Lady Gaugamole

Condiment, Dip, Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Somebody That I Used to Gold, Vegetarian

Despite the fact that she is slaying the award season game with her film debut, my dear friend Lady Gaga will always be the scrappy little recording artist that could. While I irrationally hated Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta from the first moment I saw her, I am so grateful that Tony Bennett was able to talk sense into me and allow the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I mean, 100 of my fellow celebrities had told me that I would love Gaga’s sweet, creative soul but it took just one to get through to me and for that, I will always be grateful to Tone.

But enough about Tone, this is about thrice Academy and Emmy Award nominated, six time Grammy winning and my dear friend, Gaga. As I said, my own stupidity kept me from years of friendship with Ga – as only her best friends call her – and while that often wakes me in a cold sweat, I am glad at how quickly we developed the beautiful friendship we have.

Given she is busy residenc-ing and attendee literally every single award show on the planet, I decided to swing by for a post Oscar-nominees luncheon date and, you guessed it, run the odds for the Grammys.

Given she has made a splash in the film world I bequeathed her the honour of helping me pick who will take out Best Music Film and while I see merits in Whitney winning like Ga thinks, I can’t go past Quincy. While I am a dear friend of both Jay and Bey, neither of us can see them beating Childish Gambino’s This Is America.

Obviously I couldn’t bet against Gaga for Best Pop Solo Performance or Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, so we focused on me betting the house on Tony Bennett and Diana Krall’s Love Is Here to Stay for BEst Traditional Pop Vocal Album – though Babs is my most likely spoiler – and my love for Kelly Clarkson isn’t enough to make me bet against Camila Cabello’s creatively titled Camila taking out Best Pop Vocal Album.

While running all those odds can be hungry work, I know that the Academy serves calorie rich food at the nominees luncheon – checky during awards season, no? – so I opted to keep it light with a delicious Lady Gaugamole.



Nobody loves avocados more than I – excluding Queer Eye’s Antony, obviously – however I had never tasted guac perfection until I encountered Chipotle. Oh Chipotle, how I love you so! The spicy, glorious guac bursting from a burrito and washed down with some Pibb Extreme is my idea of heaven. But this is not an add, focus on their guac – fresh and zingy, it is perfect all by itself.




Lady Gaugamole
Serves: 4.

2 ripe avocados
1 lime, zested and juiced
2 tbsp coriander
1 red onion, finely diced
1 jalapeño, roughly chopped
¼ tsp kosher salt
Tortea Leoni Chips, to serve

Cut the avocados in half, remove the pit and mash the flesh.

Fold through the remaining ingredients.

Devour, with a big bowl of Tortea Leoni Chips.


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BosTony Bennett Baked Beans

Main, Side, Snack

It is sometimes hard to go back from a series of vitriolic tweets calling for the blood of your octogenarian friend and his two-bit floozy of a duet partner using the insults 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Hagrid’s Nutsack and Supercalifragilisticexpialidickcheese (which in turn, inspired an episode of Veep), but somehow we seem to have mended another feud.

2011 was a rough time in our lives and we expected a duet, or triet, to reinvigorate our careers after a brief relapse with heroin and a scandal where we out-drank famed mess Lisa Newman at a political event in Queensland.

As we explained to Tony, his friendship with our nemesis Lady Gaga – who stole our idea to wear a meat dress – was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

We first met Tony in 1944 when we were drafted to the U.S. Army in the final stages of WWII, while I was running a scam to find myself the most strapping / biggest dish of a husband. While I failed and caused the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, Tony saw through our drama and befriended us and allowed us to ride his coattails to fame and fortune.

It was a beautiful friendship – dancing the foxtrot and the charleston with the coolest cats in Hollywood, a whirlwind stint addicted to cocaine (resulting in my regrettable and forgettable threesome with Frank Sinatra and Perry Como) and years being celebrated on the awards circuit.

And then along came old Germy-twatta …

We are ashamed of the way we lashed out at our dear friend but thankfully Tone realises that when pushing 90, it is futile to hold a grudge and has warmly embraced us back into the fold … on the condition that we have a sit down with Lady BlaBla. While the thought makes us physically sick, we will do it for Tones.

Given his age and our penchant for comfort food (and pants), we went with a nice big batch of BosTony Bennett Baked Beans.


BosTony Bennett Bakeds Beans_1


Nothing helps digestion and aids relieving yourself of gas (other than stretching to Diana Ross) quite like beans. Plus they are jam packed with fibre, protein and are low GI and in fat*, you know, the kind of shit oldies and oldies at heart love.



BosTony Bennett Bakeds Beans_2


BosTony Bennett Baked Beans
Makes: 5-6 cups … but I am terrible at estimating quantities.

500g dried navy beans, soaked overnight in plenty of cold water
1 tbsp mustard powder
1 tbsp Dijon mustard
1/2 cup golden syrup
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 large onion, diced
6 rashers streaky bacon (smoked is good but that is just me)
3 bay leaves
2 x tins chopped tomatoes
1/4 cup red wine vinegar

Drain and rinse beans. When you think they are rinsed thoroughly, rinse again, then place in a large saucepan, covering with water and bring to a slow boil. Reduce the heat and gently simmer gently over low heat for 45 minutes or until just tender (the actual cooking time will vary depending how good/old the beans are – it can take up to four hours for the beans to become tender). Drain the beans and set aside to cool.

In a small bowl, combine mustard powder, mustard (I have no idea why I mixed mustard powder and mustard, but they tasted good so who cares?), golden syrup and sugar to form a paste.

Preheat fan-forced oven to 140°C.

Add a good lug of olive oil to an ovenproof cast-iron, heavy lidded casserole dish. Add garlic, onion, bacon and bay leaves, cooking over medium heat for 5 minutes. Add tomatoes and mustard mixture and stir to combine.

Add the beans and stir. Place lid on, whack it in the oven and bake for 1½–2 hours or until beans are tender, stirring occasionally.

Remove from the oven and stir in the red wine vinegar. Cover and return to the oven for a further 30 minutes. Remove from the oven and season to taste. If they are too sweet, because lets be honest they can be, add another dash of vinegar to cut through.

* Oh and Ben literally has no idea, this is from Google Nutritionist. So yeah, don’t trust us!


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