Reality TV

J’Tiamisu

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Dessert

I’ve said it before (well, at the very least alluded to it), sometimes we are terrible people and that is how we first connected with Cagayan contestant, J’Tia Taylor.

Don’t get me wrong, while her moves with the rice were pretty cruel/amazing, J’Tia is a lovely friend…it is just that we befriended her to try to live out Annelie’s dream of going to space.

You see, while we could have used our friendship with Panama contestant Dan Barry to get on the space program, I incorrectly read her profession to be Rocket Scientist when she was on the Brains tribe (she is a Nuclear Engineer, a job I still wouldn’t understand).

You see, I convinced Annelie that J’Tia could build us a rocket and we could cut out the middleman that is NASA. After a year of awkward hints, blatant threats and blackmail, J’Tia kindly told us she couldn’t build us a spaceship, but offered her friendship as a consolation prize.

To celebrate our first Christmas as friends, we decided to catch up for a dessert of J’Tiamisu as a symbol of her sweet nature…and the fact that we all may need a boozy dish to get along/be tolerable humans.

 

J'Tiamisu 1

 

Inspired by Nigella Lawson’s Tiramisu layer cake, the dish is made of a chocolate cake base, with Tia Maria providing the coffee and the kick. We decided to serve them in individual martini glasses so that we wouldn’t have to worry about portion control (lest J’Tia thought we were going to vote her out) and as we love anything kitsch, and they looked kitsch.

Enjoy!

 

J'Tiamisu 2

 

J’Tiamisu
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
700-1000g chocolate loaf cakes (shop-bought variety is fine)
400ml (ish) Tia Maria
1 tsp cocoa and 1 tsp espresso powder combined, for dusting

Cream Filling
2 large organic eggs
75g caster sugar
500g mascarpone
250ml double cream
125ml Tia Maria

Method
Wash and dry 8 martini glasses and leave aside until assembly.

Slice the chocolate cakes thinly, and pour the Tia Maria into a shallow dish (keep the bottle handy as you may need more), ready for soaking the cake.

Whisk the eggs and sugar, mascarpone and double cream in an electric mixer (I am lazy, you can just use a whisk). Slowly add, the 125ml Tia Maria and continue whisking until light, fluffy and combined.

To assemble, dunk the slices of cake in Tia Maria and press into the base of each martini glass (it will probably be a slice per glass at the start), ensuring that the layer is firm but not too thick. Spoon a layer of cream filling over the cake (roughly 5mm thick). Continue layering, alternating between cake and cream until you have almost filled the glass.

Finish with a generous layer of the cream mixture and dust with cocoa/espresso powder mix.

I always want to add cinnamon, but I think I have an unhealthy obsession with adding cinnamon. Maybe don’t add cinnamon?

Eat straight out of the glass and pretend you’re at a festive swingers party in the eighties.

Festive Cirie Fields Mushrooms

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Side

It is a fact universally known that Cirie Fields is the greatest player to never win Survivor; in addition, she is also our personal saviour.

You see, before becoming a universal treasure on Exile Island, Micronesia and Heroes vs. Villains she worked as a nurse in one of the many rehab facilities Annelie and I frequented in the mid-nineties and can be credited as being the person to get us clean (not sober, baby steps).

We have always kept in contact with Cirie (and almost relapsed following the shock final 2 on Micronesia) and see her as a member of the family, so it is only fitting that she dropped by for a Christmas dinner complete with her signature Festive Cirie Fields Mushrooms.

 

Festive Cirie Fields Mushrooms

 

While it is a very simple dish, the garlic, chilli and parsley mingle together to create a side packed with flavour that is still festively appropriate and would go perfectly with any roast. (Or you could have the leftovers with some scrambled eggs for breakfast the next day).

Enjoy!

 

Festive Cirie Fields Mushrooms 1

 

Festive Cirie Field Mushrooms
Serves 4

Ingredients
4 large mushrooms (they don’t necessarily need to be from a field)
1 red chilli, finely diced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 tablespoon italian parsley, chopped
50g butter melted
salt and pepper, to season

Method
Pre-heat a griddle pan until very hot.

While heating, melt butter in a small saucepan. Remove from heat and mix in chilli, garlic parsley and salt and pepper.

When the griddle in hot reduce to medium heat, add mushrooms face down and cook for about three minutes. Flip mushrooms over and press down into pan to ensure even cooking. Fry for further three minutes. Flip again (I make sure the griddle lines form criss-crosses, but I am anal) and cook for a further three minutes or until they are how you like them.

Turn off heat and pour melted butter mixture over the top. Rest for a minute and serve.

Jonathan Penne Pasta Salad

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Side

Survivor three-peat, Jonathan Penner, is another person we knew before his appearances on Cook Islands, Micronesia and Philippines. (They should just cast us as opposed to our many friends).

Annelie and I were working in New York (before the ugliness in LA) and were cast as the stunt doubles for Gracie on the hit show The Nanny, where Jonathan played the role of Danny…you know, the boyfriend who kicked her out in that crushing scene.

We connected on set after Jonathan got caught in the middle of our long simmering feud with Charles Shaughnessy (it started when we were on Days, don’t ask) and we ended up as his dates when he was nominated for an Academy Award.

Nothing has changed between Jonathan and us, as you would expect of a relationship built on sarcasm and snark between three of the world’s greatest minds. We discussed future twists and themes we need Probst to bring to Survivor and a treatment for his next Academy Award nomination (a documentary on the lives and times of Annelie and Ben).

To celebrate the season and Jonathan’s visit we opted for the Jonathan Penne Pasta Salad, a dish we invented following his crushing loss at the Oscars.

 

Jonathan Penne Pasta Salad 1

 

The richness of our bond was highlighted by the creamy blue cheese, complimented by the bitterness of the rocket and his failure to win (on Survivor and at the Oscars) and the sweetness of the caramelised walnuts and knowing that he is one of the fan favourites to play.

Survivor, not with us. We wish. We would enjoy, as you should the salad!

 

Jonathan Penne Pasta Salad 2

 

Jonathan Penne Pasta Salad
Serves: 8

Ingredients
Approximately 2 cups Rocket
2 pears, quartered and thinly sliced
1/2 cup walnuts
50g butter
1tbsp muscovado sugar, heaped
2 tbsp red wine vinegar
150g blue cheese, crumbled
500g penne pasta
Olive oil, salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Heat large pot of water over high heat until boiling, once boiling add penne and cook for 10-12 minutes (until al dente). Drain, rinse in cold water and leave to cool.

Meanwhile, melt butter and sugar together in small saucepan after low heat until combined. Add walnuts and cook for 5 minutes, or until coated and caramelised.

Pour the walnuts onto a flat, lined baking tray to cool. When cooled slightly, pour vinegar over them to create the dressing.

Combine cooled penne, rocket and pear and drizzle lightly with olive oil and season with salt and pepper. Layer on large dish or transfer to large bowl, depending on how you’d like to serve.

Crumble blue cheese and walnuts over the salad and pour over the caramel/vinegar dressing.

Season and dress further, to taste.

Mulled Sandra Diaz-Twine

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Drink

Say what you will about her game play, but Sandra Diaz-Twine is hands down the greatest person to ever play the game of Survivor. Even without her perfect record, her ability to eavedrop on conversations in bushes, buddy up with other snarky/sassy contestants and her glee at burning her nemesis hat in the fire, make her the kind of TV gold that is under appreciated.

We first met Sandra while working at Outback Steakhouse between our time in New York and LA. Sandra was a regular customer with her family and overtime we developed a bond over our abilities to stalk and our general dislike for the population.

After a suspicious absence of two months, Sandra returned to our restaurant gaunt and riddled in bug bites and we knew she was about to be the greatest thing to happen to broadcast television.

Then she had to get a restraining order against us after we became obsessed with her.

We reconnected following her return from Heroes vs Villains, where a reward of Outback Steakhouse reminded her of the good times we had shared.

She dropped by last night for a bottle (or two) of Mulled Sandra Diaz-Twine, a drink Annelie and I had whilst standing in the snow looking through her windows watching her sleep.

 

Mulled Sandra Diaz-TWine 1

 

The warming spices are like one of Russell Hantz’s hats going up in flames, with the orange providing the Sandy zing. Needless to say, it is festive as fuck.

Enjoy!

 

Mulled Sandra Diaz-TWine2

 

Mulled Sandra Diaz-Twine
Serves: Well this makes 1 pitcher worth, no judgement on how many join in.

Ingredients
1 bottle of red wine
1 cinnamon stick
5 cardamon pods, cracked open
1 orange, sliced
A pinch of grated nutmeg
1/4 cup muscovado sugar
1/4 cup brandy

Method
Put all ingredients in a large pot over low heat and steep (mull, even) for thirty minutes.

That is it.

You could mix up the combination of spices in your wine however my advice would be to start basic and experiment with the flavours once you have figured out your taste. I always think cranberry, ginger and vanilla would be good additions….but trying that as your start may turn you off this glorious, festive nectar for good. You know?

Phillip Sheppard’s Pie

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Main

In the spirit of giving and in a desperate attempt to use leftover pumpkin from Thanksgiving, Ben and I decided to catch up with our ex Writing And Looking-into-things-covertly R Us (WALRUS) colleague and only known frenemy with a stomach of steel, Phillip Sheppard.

Now Sheps (yes, we are that close) and Ben worked on some pretty significant WALRUS operations in their day but ultimately were brought together through a common commitment to ending up in the bed of the Great and Holy Probst. This led to Sheps’ successful inclusion in the cast of Survivor: Redemption Island (if you’re curious why we weren’t cast, read more here).

phillip 3

While Phillip won over the hearts and minds of many (?), sadly he failed to go where only one Survivor contestant has gone before (curse you Julie Berry)

Luckily for him, we were on hand to soothe his heartbreak trample all over his broken heart while scrambling to Jeff’s side.

Regardless, Sheps was keen for a catch-up and we decided that, in the spirit of Christmas, it was time.

This pie is a revamped take on a classic, warming winter dish. Mashed pumpkin and sweet potato provide a sweet and light alternative to traditional white mash. Inside the pie awaits a rich, delicious beefy serenity full of tomatoey, peppery goodness sure to win over even the most steadfast of frenemies.

So in the spirit of Christmas AND Sheps – whip up a pie, bust out those faded red budgie smugglers/manties and have yourselves a cracking festive season in the land down under.

Phillip 1

Phillip Sheppard’s Pie
Serves: 6-8

Ingredients
1kg lean minced beef
1 brown onion, finely chopped
2-3 cloves garlic, crushed
2 red chillies, finely chopped (seeds out if you don’t want too much kick)
3 carrots, diced
1/2 bunch celery, chopped
1 cup red wine
500mL beef stock
4 tablespoons tomato paste
2 tablespoons brown sugar
Handful fresh bay leaves
1-2 tablespoons rice bran oil
Cracked pepper, to taste

Pumpkin and Sweet Potato Mash
600g pumpkin, peeled and cubed
600g sweet potato, peeled and cubed
50g butter
1/3 cup grated parmesan cheese

Method
In a large ovenproof pan, heat 1-2 tbs rice bran oil and cook the onion, celery and carrot until beginning to soften. Add minced beef and cook until browned. Mix through garlic, chilli and bay leaves.

Add red wine and cook until wine has reduced by approximately half. Stir in tomato paste, brown sugar and beef stock. Simmer, stirring occasionally on low heat until the liquid is reduced and thickened, approximately 1 hour. Add pepper to taste.

Meanwhile, place chopped pumpkin and sweet potato in a large saucepan. Cover with water and bring to the boil. Boil until tender – approximately 8-10 minutes. Drain thoroughly and mash with butter and parmesan until smooth and creamy.

Assemble the pie by arranging the mash over the mince mixture and scallop the top lightly with the back of a spoon.

Bake in 180 degree oven for 30 minutes or until set and golden.

 

 

 

Monica Culpepper Cookies

12 Days of Survivor Christmas

Monnie is another castaway we knew before her appearances on One World and Blood vs. Water. You see, Brad used to play football with Annelie and as we were running a scam that required her to have a WAG, I became her wife Lara Vandenboobin.

While Brad and Annelie came firm friends on the field, Monnie and I became firm friends and then staunch enemies…and then friends again on the sideline.

Due to our oft-tumultuous relationship (we last fell out after I sold stories about her to People magazine during One World. We are friends now though), we mutually decided afternoon tea with spiced Monica Culpepper Cookies was the perfect way to celebrate Christmas together.

 

Monica Culpepper Cookies 1

 

The cookies (another Nigella variation) turned out perfectly, with a hint of heat and spices without being overpowering like a Gingerbread. I sometimes find that the dough can be a bit wet, so just add a bit more flour until it is at your desired consistency.

Enjoy, we did! Better yet, we didn’t even get into a fight or end up covered in third-degree burns from thrown coffee.

 

Monica Culpepper Cookies 2

 

Monica Culpepper Cookies
Makes roughly 24

Ingredients
300g plain flour (plus more for dusting)
pinch of salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
¼ tsp ground cloves
2 tsp freshly ground  black pepper
100g soft  butter
100g muscovado sugar
2 large eggs (beaten)
4 tbsp maple syrup
Royal Icing, lollies, edible glitter and anything else you would want to make them festive as fuck

Method
Line 2 baking sheets with baking paper and preheat the oven to 170C.

Combine the flour, salt, baking powder, cinnamon, cloves and pepper in a large bowl.

Cream the the butter and sugar in an electric mixer with paddle attachment, then slowly add the beaten eggs and maple syrup in three parts alternating with the dry ingredients, and mix until combined.

Form 2 fat discs and put one wrapped in cling-wrap in the fridge while you get started on the other.

Dust a work surface with flour, roll out the disc (also floured), to about 5mm and cut out cookies with the cutters of your choice.

Re-roll and cut out some more, setting aside the residue from this first disc and cover, while you get on with rolling out the second. When you’ve got both sets of leftover clumps of dough, roll out and cut out again, and keep doing so till all the dough’s used up.

When you can no longer be bothered, roll the dough into a ball and flatten on the tray.

Arrange the pastry shapes on the lined baking sheets and cook for about 20 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack and leave to cool.

Ice the cold decorations with reckless abandon until they are jacked-up on sugar and festive.

Laura Amaretti Cookies

12 Days of Survivor Christmas

Ok, I have a confession to make. Ben and I only reconnected with Laura Morett to try and draw Ciera Eastin into our inner circle. Unfortunately Ciera was too busy trying to distance herself  from Blood vs Water 2’s seemingly villainous heathen Baylor Wilson, to whom she had been  compared.

While we would have been great PR for you Ciera, we understand. And Baylor – call us. We’re here for you.

Amaretti 1

Despite this cunning plot, Laura and I go way back. She was recruited to whip Ben and I back into shape after our failed attempt to join the cast of the Biggest Loser (*almost* making it onto a show for which you prepared by eating a minimum of five parmigianas per day is devastating, trust me).

We whiled away the day chatting about Sarah Palin, Shambo and other topics of significant mutual interest which enjoying a delicious amaretti biscuit or two. Laura was stern with the upper limit of two cookies per person, which was harsh but necessary – with Jill gone again  and Bob banished to crappy loser canyon, what incentive is there to power-eat our way back into Biggest Loser contention?

Despite Laura’s portion control, these biscuits are extremely easy to eat – particularly when warm. The dense, chewy almond filling heartily flips the bird to it’s somewhat posher cousin, the macaron. Plus, they are a breeze to whip up!

photo 3

Laura Amaretti Cookies
Makes 20 cookies

Ingredients
180g almond meal
50g plain flour, sifted
3/4 cup caster sugar
2 egg whites
1 vanilla bean, seeds scraped
20 almonds

Directions
Preheat oven to 170 degrees celcius. In large bowl, mix together all ingredients except whole almonds gently until a uniform dough comes together.

Line a large baking tray with non-stick paper. Roll tablespoons of mixture into balls and space evenly on the tray. Press down gently on each dough ball with an almond.

Bake 15-20 minutes, or until golden and set.

Sugar Kiper Cookies

12 Days of Survivor Christmas

Our first festive friend to visit was Survivor: Gabon and Heroes vs. Villains alum, Sugar Kiper.

We first connected with Sugar during her time playing Rory’s foil/Jess’s girlfriend on one of the greatest show of all time, Gilmore Girls.

Annelie and I were working as gophers on the set, whilst trying to break into the writing staff with our glorious missing triplets storyline (Lorelai had actually given birth to triplets and gave two up for adoption, who would have been played to perfection by Annelie and I, and forgot we existed following a bout of medically inaccurate postpartum amnesia).

While Ames and Loz both passed on the idea (apparently it was too soapy and our auditions too hammy), Sugar was a big fan and we became fast friends and have stuck together during her stints on Survivor, our stints in jail and our joint stint appearing on season five of Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew.

Sugar was briefly in town on a secret mission (hopefully auditioning us for Survivor: Blood vs. Water 3, Annelie and Ben destroy each other), but was able to stop by for an afternoon of baking Sugar Kiper Cookies and sharing coffees.

 

Sugar Kiper Cookies 1

 

Fresh out of the oven, the slightly tinkered with Martha Stewart cookies were a festive delight. That was until someone (*cough* Annelie) suggested we snort the Royal Icing and the neighbours called the police for disorderly behaviour.

It wouldn’t be Christmas without a noise complaint, I guess. Enjoy!

 

Sugar Kiper Cookies 2

 

Sugar Kiper Cookies
Makes 20-30 cookies, cutter dependent

Ingredients
2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for rolling
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
115 grams unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup raw caster sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Royal Icing, lollies, edible glitter and anything else you would want to make them festive as fuck

Directions
In large bowl, whisk flour, baking powder, cinnamon and salt. With an electric mixer, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in egg and vanilla. With mixer on low, gradually add flour mixture and beat until combined. Divide dough in half; flatten into disks. Wrap each in plastic and freeze until firm (about 20 minutes).

Preheat oven to 160 degrees. Line baking sheets with baking paper. Remove one dough disk to stand for 5-10 minutes. Roll out 1/2 centimetre thick, dusting dough with flour as needed. Cut shapes with cookie cutters. Using a spatula, transfer to prepared baking sheets. Re-roll scraps, cut shapes. Repeat with remaining dough.

Bake, rotating halfway through, until edges are golden, 10-15 minutes (depending on size). Cool completely on wire racks. Decorate as desired.

12 Days of Survivor Christmas

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

We make no secret about our love for Survivor/Jeff Probst and wish that the world would embrace Buffs as appropriate attire for all occasions, so that we can rock out our Villains Buffs to formal events.

Anyway, in our attempts to bed Probst and get on the show (in whichever order) we have ingratiated ourselves heavily in the Survivor community. Some castaways, like Penner and Sugar, we have known for sometime but others we have met by breaking into their homes and watching them sleep/tickling their feet (sorry Aras, thanks for not pressing charges).

Against all odds, or maybe because they are slightly-scared, we have become best friends with a large section of the castaway community and as such, like to spend our Christmases catching-up with them.

In honour of our intimate relationships, we decided to dedicate the blog to the Twelve Days of Survivor Christmas…as you know, we’ll be catching-up with them anyway.

What says deck our halls with your boughs of holly, Probsty?

Picture source: Today.com

Lisa Vanderpumpkin Pie

Dessert

Thanksgiving is such an appropriate time to catch up with Lisa as without her, Annelie and I would already have a Catch Me If You Can/Bonnie and Clyde-esque Lifetime TV movie made about us.

We aren’t proud of our scamming days or that we lied to Lisa about it while living in her mansion, but we are thankful that Lisa is kind enough to give us a second chance (amirite Brandi)?

Lisa and Giggy pulled up in the Bentley yesterday afternoon for a spot of tea and unlike most of the tea parties she goes to in Beverly Hills, this one didn’t end up in a brawl.

We sat down to a seasonally appropriate Lisa Vanderpumpkin Pie and talked about our resurgent fame, her relationship with Kyle and why we are so thankful that we have each other in our lives.

 

Lisa Vanderpumpkin Pie

 

The filling was all at once delicate and robust with a hint of spice on a glitzed up version of Jamie Oliver’s shortcrust pastry, with maple and pecan.

Lisa quoted her friend and party planner, Kevin Lee, to describe the pie saying it was, “Better than Beverly Hills darling, shi shi shi.”

 

Lisa Vanderpumpkin Pie 2

 

Lisa Vanderpumpkin Pie
Serves 12 people…or the three of us

Ingredients
Pastry
250g plain flour, plus more for dusting
50g icing sugar
125g unsalted butter, cubed
1 egg, beaten
1 tbsp maple syrup
50g pecans, crushed/bltized/pulverised etc.

Filling
½ butternut pumpkin, deseeded and diced (roughly 500g pumpkin)
500ml milk
200g raw caster sugar
1 vanilla pod, halved and deseeded
¼ tsp nutmeg
½ tsp cinnamon
2 eggs

Method
Pastry
Sieve flour and icing sugar into a large bowl. Using hands, work the butter into the flour and sugar until the mixture resembles wet sand. Mix through maple and pecan, add eggs and work together until it forms a ball. If the dough seems too wet, add more flour until it is at the desired consistency. Don’t overwork the flour otherwise it won’t be short, as the name demands.

Pat dough-ball into a disc, wrap in cling-wrap and place in the fridge to rest for 30 minutes.

Dust a surface and a rolling-pin with flour and roll out the pastry until it is 5mm thick. Roll the pastry over the rolling pin, then unroll it into a 25cm loose-bottom tart tin (I’d go non-stick but I am crazy lazy) and push it into the sides.

Trim off any excess dough and prick the base with a fork, cover with cling-wrap and place in the freezer to set for 30-ish minutes.

Pre-heat oven to 180C.

Filling
Place pumpkin, milk, sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon, vanilla pod and seeds into a medium saucepan, over medium heat. Keep stirring until it comes to the boil, then reduce heat to low and simmer for 15 minutes stirring occasionally. Cook for a further 15 minutes, or until pumpkin is soft/tender/flaccid.

Remove from heat, discard the pod and blitz with a stick blender until smooth. Leave aside to cool with the lid on.

Baking
While pumpkin mixture is cooling, remove pastry from freezer and line with baking paper and blind bake with baking weights/beans/rice for 10 minutes. Remove from oven, remove baking paper and weights and return to oven for further 10 minutes.

Reduce heat to 160C.

Beat the eggs for the filling (you thought we forgot, right?) and whisk through the cooled pumpkin mixture. Pour the mixture into the pastry case and bake for the 30 minutes or until it is set with a slight wobble.

Leave to cool and then serve with a sprinkle of icing sugar and fresh vanilla ice cream.