Waffadele Burger

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVII: Gold with the Wind, Party Food

So speaking of Beyonce – one woman’s curse via recipe is another woman’s gain … and that woman making the gains was none other than my dear frenemy Adele.

Uggggghhhhhhhh. And contrary to what some may think of me, that wasn’t a shady comment about weight. Glass houses and all, you know?

Also let me start by saying that firstly, I love Adele … but the slag can fucking drink me under the table and I hate to lose – particularly if said competition I am losing is based on alcohol consumption – so as such, she is more frenemy than friend.

Plus – she keeps winning things and Jesus loves winners and if she is winning, maybe sometimes that means I’m losing. Which is terrible.

Anyway the ol shagger has not only won a shit tonne of Grammys but is also the proud owner of an Academy Award for Best Original Song which is, quite possibly, my favourite category (because when I’m nominated in 7 years, I get to perform the song on stage the same night I win 15 awards).

I should probably tell you about my past with Adele though, shouldn’t I? I first met Adsy ten years ago when I stumbled upon her busking on the tube or something – I was big into bath salts at the time so don’t remember much. I do remember she had talent though and took her under my wing and decided I would one day make her a d-list star to rival Kathy Griffin (read: they are both red(ish)heads).

Halfway through my tutelage of her I sobered up and realised that she is just someone that is skilled at writing sad music and holding notes – I must remember to see Chris Martin one day soon – and told her that she should give up on her dreams, lest she wanted my forehead to chase itself into the pavement.

It inspired her hit song and gave her a career … but did I get any thanks? No. Which is another reason we are frenemies. I also inspired her Oscar winning song Skyfall – it was about balls and is meant to be part of Lil Whorephan Andy – but that is another story for another time.

As much as I’ve complained about Ads, it was such a treat to see her and her 6000 new Grammys and to discuss something she is far less skilled at, the world of celebrity and the Holy Grail of awards ceremonies.

Lucky for this year’s race for Best Original Song is a two horse-one batch of nominees race between the two nominated hits from La La Land. I mean sure, in any other year Lin Manuel would be polishing the EGOT label on his future tombstone … but La La Land was a gem celebrating old Hollywood that was also more cerebral than most people give it credit for, meaning it is pretty much unbeatable in this category above all else. And even Adele can see that.

I mean, it is a musical for christ sake – we can ignore that Another Day in the Sun and Someone in the Crowd are infinitely superior songs.

We both agreed that City of Stars is the safest bet for the gong and that a Waffadele Burger is the perfect feed for such robust debate.

And drinking.

 

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I know, I know – a waffle burger is gimmicky … but this one is pure perfection. I mean it is a copycat Big Mac, served on waffles. It is a better McGangbang than the McGangbang and dipping fries into a sundae.

I’d tell you to enjoy but I know there is no getting around it! Now off to greet my fave writer/director …

 

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Waffadele Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1/2 cup mayonnaise
2 tbsp French dressing
1 tbsp sweet gherkin relish
1 onion, finely minced – ½ for the sauce, ½ for the burgers
1 tsp white vinegar
1 tsp sugar
½ tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp garlic powder
500g beef mince
salt and pepper, to taste
12 waffle *Spoiler alert* aka 12 waffles, I don’t mind if you buy … for now
cooking oil of your choosing
iceberg lettuce, roughly chopped
8 slices American cheese
pickles, thinly sliced

Method
Combine the mayo through garlic powder in a small bowl with a good season, stir and place in the fridge to chill.

Meanwhile squeeze out excess moisture (read: blood) from the mince and transfer to a bowl. Season generously, combine with your hands and shape into eight balls and flatten to make thin patties. Leave to rest while you heat up a large skillet over high heat.

While that is happening, start toasting the waffles in a toaster and transferring to a plate.

When the skillet is nice and hot, reduce heat to medium, brush with some cooking oil and cook the patties for a minute or two each side. Transfer to a plate and repeat until they are done.

To assemble, place a waffle on a plate, smear generously with special sauce, top with a pinch of the reserved chopped onion, add the lettuce, top with a slice of cheese and a pattie, followed by the centre waffle. Then smear with sauce, top with onion, lettuce, a few pickle slices, cheese – because I believe it needs two slices – the pattie and another waffle.

Push down, grab in one hand – if you can, Ads and I have big hands like Donald Trump, obvi – and devour.

 

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KeBarbra Streisand

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVI: Gold Interrupted, Party Food, Snack

After an evening of focusing solely on the music, I wanted to make a gateway into discussing the current crop of nominated acteurs. Who better than to make that jump than the funniest girl I am friends with, the one, the only and very dear to me Barbra.

I first connected with Babs in the late 50s – Stockard Channing would have been about 68, but I digress – when we were both young up-starts living a gypsy lifestyle in NY, waiting to make it big. There is nothing quite like the bond you form on the street other than the ones you form in prison, but again, I’ve digressed.

Babs and I would surf the couches in the evening, while trying to make it big during the day until she beat me in a singing contest in a bar in Greenwich Village, where I was too busy beating people off for money. She went to Broadway and I went to prison.

While I was in the clink for the best part of the 60s, Babs was never one to shy away from visiting and even plead my case to the parole board so that I could accompany her to witness her tied-Oscar glory in 1969. I mean, you can take the girl out of the streets but you can never take the street out of the girl.

It was such a hoot catching up with my Babs – she is just so humble, down-to-earth and accessible that being around her is never intimidating, when it really should be. I mean, she is a damn legend!

Obviously we agreed that while our dear Cate again knocked it out of the park, she is likely to end up as the second coming of Mez – being always invited to the party, but rarely the guest of honour. Yep – I’ve firmed up my Best Actress pick and what better way to officially board the Brie train than with a spicy, cheesy Kebarbra Streisand?

 

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Despite being a good Jewish girl, Babs is willing to go non-kosher for these glorious snacks. Spiced lamb, haloumi and capsicum cut with a hint of lemon – you better believe a star was born when I first made these!

Enjoy!

 

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Kebarbra Streisand
Makes: 10ish.

Ingredients
400g lamb, diced
2 tbsp fresh oregano, diced
1 lemon, zested and juiced
½ tsp ground cumin
¼ tsp ground chilli
⅓ cup olive oil
1 capsicum, cut into 1(ish)cm squares
250g haloumi, cut into 1(ish)cm cubes

Method
In a large bowl, combine the oregano, lemon zest and juice, cumin, chilli and olive oil. Add the lamb, stir, cover and place in the fridge to marinate for at least two hours to help it get as freaky as possible.

Preheat the oven to 180C.

Take the meat out of the fridge, grab a handful of metal skewers and thread with the ingredients, alternating between the lamb, haloumi and capsicum until they are all gone. I found I got about 8 skewers.

My metal skewers are a bizarre size for griddles and I live in an apartment so am without a barbecue, so I go the oven baked approach however if you heat up a griddle, cook the skewers a couple of minutes each side and they will be golden.

Lay the skewers on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with oil and bake for fifteen minutes or until golden and gorgeous.

 

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