Sweet

Jeff Grand Varnier Mousse

Dessert, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance, Sweets

Over the span of four episodes Jeff Varner has been dominating the game and setting the tone of the season however that two-bit floozy slash my Survivor nemesis Tasha (she cock-blocked my attempts to woo Joe pre-game) was able to wrangle Abi for two successive votes and boot out our dear friend and biggest non-idol-owning-or-person-named-Joe threat, Varner.

We have been friends with Varner for a long time, having met during the filming of Survivor: The Australian Outback where Annelie flew plane in the opening and I supplied Kel with my beef jerky. Much to Probst’s chagrin (we were not friends yet) we loitered around Ponderosa and joined the pre-jury trip where we bonded with Jeff over our mutual hatred for Colby (he had stolen Probst’s heart, obviously).

There was a brief stint following All Stars where we lost contact (we may have leaked spoilers AND blamed it on Varner) however we reconnected while working for Martha Stewert … where Annelie and I had nothing to do with her jail sentence. Trust us and please buy it, Martha can’t know anything.

Varner really took the fan vote to heart and turned up in Cambodia to play hard and reward everyone for his votes and even in an episode with Probsty’s wet dream, aka the DILFs glistening in underwear challenge, Varner was a star, battling hard in his final tribal council and walking into our open arms in Ponderosa with his head held high.

We tried to send a bug flying into Tasha during tribal to force a medivac but sadly it was Varner we were entertaining at Loser Lodge with a big vat of our Jeff Grand Varnier Mousse; well, what Probst left us – he wandered out of the kitchen repeating his commentary from the DILF challenge, Dietz, big and long, it will take some experimenting (hopefully we can join whatever he has planned).

 

Jeff Grand Varnier Mousse_1

 

Like Varner’s short stint on the island, the mousse packs a punch with the Grand Marnier cutting through the velvety dark chocolate to woo even the staunchest of Jaffa critics over to the choc-orange side.

Enjoy – like we will when Varner gets his inevitable third chance!

 

Jeff Grand Varnier Mousse_2

 

Jeff Grand Varnier Mousse
Serves: 6(ish).

Ingredients
6 eggs, at room temperature
350g (at least) 70% dark chocolate, preferably Valrhona
75g butter, cold
75g sugar
a good dash of Grand Marnier
a pinch of cream of tartar

Method
Separate the eggs, I prefer by hand for some visceral reason about connecting with your food however do it the easiest way you know, placing the yolks in a small bowl to the side and the whites in a large clean, dry bowl for a stand mixer.

Leave the eggs just hanging out on the bench and get to work melting the chocolate using a double boiler method (aka large bowl over boiling water – just make sure to avoid the bowl touching the water or it may cook rather than melt). Once the chocolate has melted, remove it from the heat and stir in the cold butter. Once the butter is fully combined, add a good dash (about a 2 tbsp, depending ultimately on how much orange flavour you want) Grand Marnier and 4 of the egg yolks. Leave to cool slightly.

Start beating the egg whites on medium in a stand mixer, adding the sugar and a pinch of cream of tartar the egg whites when they start to foam and continue to beat the until they form stiff peaks. Add in the two remaining egg yolks and beat until combined.

When the chocolate cream has cooled slightly, fold through the egg whites in three goes, gently folding through each addition. Spoon the mousse into cups/serving dishes – I went with ceramic mugs and espresso cups –  and refrigerate overnight.

Devour and enjoy, with or without what Probst has planned with his share.

 

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Panna Cotta Paquin

Dessert, Oscar Gold

Despite being trans-Tasman neighbours, it took us a while to meet and befriend Academy Award winner Anna Paquin.

Unlike most of our celebrity friends we connected with her as fans first, while we were visiting our friend/black-market plastic surgery patient Lil Kim on the set of She’s All That. During an altercation after Lil K found out we weren’t licensed plastic surgeons or you know, doctors, Anna swooped in like a mother-goose and hid us in her trailer.

To show our appreciation, we became her personal cooks during the course of filming and our relationship developed to the deep state of love we currently share and has seen us visit and bake her treats on all of her future sets.

Well except for True Blood after I was thrown out for repeatedly draping myself naked in Alexander Skarsgård’s trailer, car, house, bedroom, etc.

She was sweet about it though and to apologise for the awkwardness I made her a batch of Panna Cotta Paquins, which I whipped up yesterday while we discussed the minimal Aus-Zealand nominees this year and our shared hope that Boyhood prevails for Best Picture.

 

Panna Cotta Paquin_1

 

The recipe is an adaptation of a Nigella classic (from Nigellissima) and is smooth, delicate and beautiful. Like Skarsgård…oh, Skarsy! Maybe Anna will be able to get through to him for me?

Enjoy, while I enjoy this.

 

Panna Cotta Paquin_2

 

Panna Cotta Paquin
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
75ml milk
425ml double cream
50g raw caster sugar
1 vanilla pod
3g gelatine

Method
Combine milk, cream and sugar in a saucepan, stirring to ensure the sugar dissolves.

Slice the vanilla pod lengthways and scrape seeds out with a spoon or (carefully) with the tip of a knife. Stir seeds into the milk mixture and then add the emptied pod.

Heat the saucepan over low heat until it is just about the come to the boil (bubbles will form around the edge). Remove move heat, remove vanilla pod and empty half of the mixture into a heatproof jug or bowl.

Vigorously whisk in the gelatine (you could whisk less vigorously if you dissolve the gelatine in water but I can never be bothered and it never turns out poorly). Pour the liquid in the jug back into the saucepan, whisking as you go until it is all combined.

Pour the mixture evenly between 4 dariole moulds or ramekins and refrigerate until set.

Four hours seems to be enough for me, but Nigella suggests overnight and I would never argue with her!

Serve with fruit, berries, caramel or by itself, it doesn’t matter.

Alicia Keys Lime Pie

Dessert

It is fitting that we caught-up with Alicia during week of the Grammys; fitting and awkward, as she iced us out of winning one with her in 2011 in favour of Blue Ivy’s dad. Thankfully she opened up with an apology, as we kindly opened up our home and hearts to her in the hopes of rekindling our friendship.

Despite the recent animosity (and ourselves), it felt like no time had passed and we were those young ingenues on the set of The Cosby Show once more. We caught each other on what has been happening since we last spoke; she had two kids, we have once again taken the world by storm and have been thrust into the limelight.

We laughed about Kanye’s idiocy at The Grammys and apparent love for Beyonce (move on Kanye, she already has a husband that ruined our lives) and discussed Bill Cosby’s recent controversy before serving Alicia with a slice of humble Alicia Keys Lime Meringue Pie.

 

Alicia Keys Lime Pie_1

 

The tart kick of lime acted as a symbol for our pain over the, well you know what, and the period in her life when she didn’t have us (baby), while the sweet, delicate meringue was an offering of hope that our friendship could continue as sweetly as it used to.

Enjoy!

 

Alicia Keys Lime Pie_2

 

Alicia Keys Lime Meringue Pie
Serves: 8

Ingredients
375g can sweetened condensed milk
4 large egg yolks
½ cup plus 2 tablespoons key lime juice

Crust
1 ½ cups digestives, crushed
2 tbsp caster sugar
5 tbsp unsalted butter, melted

Meringue
4 egg whites
1 pinch cream of tartar
2 tbsp caster sugar

Method
Preheat oven to 170°C.

Stir together digestive crumbs, sugar, and butter in a bowl with a fork until combined well, then press mixture evenly onto bottom and up side of a 9-inch glass pie plate (quiche dish will do in a pinch). Bake crust in middle of oven 10 minutes and cool in pie plate on a rack.

Increase heat of oven to 180°C.

Whisk together condensed milk and yolks in a bowl until combined well. Add juice and whisk until combined well (mixture will thicken slightly).

Place egg whites and cream of tartar in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment. Beat egg whites until soft peaks form and then gradually add sugar and continue beating until stiff peaks form, approximately 1 to 2 minutes. Use to top lime filling.

Pour filling into pie crust and top with meringue. Make sure meringue completely covers filling and that it goes right up to the edge of the crust. Bake for 10 to 15 minutes or until meringue is golden. Cool pie completely on rack (filling will set as it cools), then chill covered overnight.

Serve by fallin’ face first into the pie and devouring.

Ice(d) T

Drink

Yes, he isn’t the washing machine kid but damn Ice T is good company. Better yet, he definitely thinks we should become members of the HFPA for our contribution to the arts, Hollywood and the planet.

I think that is my favourite part about him.

We have been friends for some time, following a chance encounter on the Law & Order set where I was fired for sneezing when playing Corpse #2 (B.D. Wong over peppered my lunch after catching wind I would appear in Jurassic Park 2) and Annelie and Ice have been friends since their days hanging with 2Pac.

It was so nice catching-up, hearing about what our dear friend Coco is up to (she helped form and helped choreograph for our dance troupe, Jazz in your Face) and laughing about the time Meg Ryan caught us egging her house across the canyon…all over a refreshing glass of Iced T.

 

Ice(d) T 1

 

The rich flavour of the rooibos tea cuts through the tart lemon and raspberry, add to that the mint and sugar and you have the makings of a perfect summer drink for when you aren’t rapping or solving crimes.

Or learning to play the washing machine. Have I mentioned this kid is the greatest?

 

Ice(d) T 2

 

Ice(d) T
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
3 bags of rooibos tea
¼ cup raw caster sugar
½ cup raspberries
½ lemon
a small handful of mint leaves
ice, ice and ice

Method
Steep tea bags in a pitcher of freshly boiled water for 2-3 minutes, or to your liking. Remove tea bags, stir in sugar and leave to come to room temperature.

Once cooled, slice lemon into discs and add to tea with the raspberries and mint leaves.

Give a good stir, add ice and serve. With or without liquor, obviously.

Parvlova Shallow

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Dessert

It’s always a relief when our escapades don’t wind up with a period of incarceration/sectioning.

After a particularly unfortunate incident involving Bob Harper, several pints of Ben and Jerry’s and hundreds of cable-ties, Ben and I were ordered to deal with our court-determined ‘issues’ through a yoga retreat. Through serendipity we landed in the care of Survivor royalty and all-round legend, Parvati Shallow. Parvati allowed us to express ourselves through a combination of relaxing yoga and scrappy beat-downs (she is also a boxer).

As our kindred spirit, Parvs visits each year for an early Christmas ‘do, where we debrief the most recent season of survivor and inevitably reach consensus that nothing will ever beat her outstanding gameplay in Survivor: Micronesia.

This year we decided to greet Parvati with a distinctly Australian take on Christmas dessert – the Parvlova Shallow.

IMG_7719

Just like Parvati herself, the Parvlova shallow is sweet and enticing with it’s fresh summer berries and pillowy meringue. Also somewhat like Parvati, shortly after consumption you will find yourself rolling around with an intense, cream-induced stomach ache, wondering – how can something so sweet and delightful be such a source of buns-kicking badness?

Parvati, this is our tribute to you.

IMG_7729
Parvlova Shallow
Serves 8

Ingredients
6 egg whites
1 1/2 cups caster sugar
2 tablespoons cornflour
1 teaspoon vinegar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
500mL thickened cream
2 cups mixed berries

Method
Preheat oven to 120 degrees celsius.
In a stand mixer, beat egg whites until soft peaks form. Gradually add sugar, one tablespoon at a time, until meringue is thick and glossy. Mix in sifted cornflour, vanilla and vinegar.
Using the base of a springform pan, trace around pan onto a sheet of non-stick baking paper. Place baking paper, circle side down, on a large baking tray. Spoon meringue mixture within the lines of the baking paper circle, smoothing to make a large disk approximately 10cm high.
Bake for 2 hours, or until set. Leave to cool in oven with door ajar.
To serve: Whip cream until soft peaks form. Cover top of pavlova with cream and berries. Serve immediately.

J’Tiamisu

12 Days of Survivor Christmas, Dessert

I’ve said it before (well, at the very least alluded to it), sometimes we are terrible people and that is how we first connected with Cagayan contestant, J’Tia Taylor.

Don’t get me wrong, while her moves with the rice were pretty cruel/amazing, J’Tia is a lovely friend…it is just that we befriended her to try to live out Annelie’s dream of going to space.

You see, while we could have used our friendship with Panama contestant Dan Barry to get on the space program, I incorrectly read her profession to be Rocket Scientist when she was on the Brains tribe (she is a Nuclear Engineer, a job I still wouldn’t understand).

You see, I convinced Annelie that J’Tia could build us a rocket and we could cut out the middleman that is NASA. After a year of awkward hints, blatant threats and blackmail, J’Tia kindly told us she couldn’t build us a spaceship, but offered her friendship as a consolation prize.

To celebrate our first Christmas as friends, we decided to catch up for a dessert of J’Tiamisu as a symbol of her sweet nature…and the fact that we all may need a boozy dish to get along/be tolerable humans.

 

J'Tiamisu 1

 

Inspired by Nigella Lawson’s Tiramisu layer cake, the dish is made of a chocolate cake base, with Tia Maria providing the coffee and the kick. We decided to serve them in individual martini glasses so that we wouldn’t have to worry about portion control (lest J’Tia thought we were going to vote her out) and as we love anything kitsch, and they looked kitsch.

Enjoy!

 

J'Tiamisu 2

 

J’Tiamisu
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
700-1000g chocolate loaf cakes (shop-bought variety is fine)
400ml (ish) Tia Maria
1 tsp cocoa and 1 tsp espresso powder combined, for dusting

Cream Filling
2 large organic eggs
75g caster sugar
500g mascarpone
250ml double cream
125ml Tia Maria

Method
Wash and dry 8 martini glasses and leave aside until assembly.

Slice the chocolate cakes thinly, and pour the Tia Maria into a shallow dish (keep the bottle handy as you may need more), ready for soaking the cake.

Whisk the eggs and sugar, mascarpone and double cream in an electric mixer (I am lazy, you can just use a whisk). Slowly add, the 125ml Tia Maria and continue whisking until light, fluffy and combined.

To assemble, dunk the slices of cake in Tia Maria and press into the base of each martini glass (it will probably be a slice per glass at the start), ensuring that the layer is firm but not too thick. Spoon a layer of cream filling over the cake (roughly 5mm thick). Continue layering, alternating between cake and cream until you have almost filled the glass.

Finish with a generous layer of the cream mixture and dust with cocoa/espresso powder mix.

I always want to add cinnamon, but I think I have an unhealthy obsession with adding cinnamon. Maybe don’t add cinnamon?

Eat straight out of the glass and pretend you’re at a festive swingers party in the eighties.

Monica Culpepper Cookies

12 Days of Survivor Christmas

Monnie is another castaway we knew before her appearances on One World and Blood vs. Water. You see, Brad used to play football with Annelie and as we were running a scam that required her to have a WAG, I became her wife Lara Vandenboobin.

While Brad and Annelie came firm friends on the field, Monnie and I became firm friends and then staunch enemies…and then friends again on the sideline.

Due to our oft-tumultuous relationship (we last fell out after I sold stories about her to People magazine during One World. We are friends now though), we mutually decided afternoon tea with spiced Monica Culpepper Cookies was the perfect way to celebrate Christmas together.

 

Monica Culpepper Cookies 1

 

The cookies (another Nigella variation) turned out perfectly, with a hint of heat and spices without being overpowering like a Gingerbread. I sometimes find that the dough can be a bit wet, so just add a bit more flour until it is at your desired consistency.

Enjoy, we did! Better yet, we didn’t even get into a fight or end up covered in third-degree burns from thrown coffee.

 

Monica Culpepper Cookies 2

 

Monica Culpepper Cookies
Makes roughly 24

Ingredients
300g plain flour (plus more for dusting)
pinch of salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
¼ tsp ground cloves
2 tsp freshly ground  black pepper
100g soft  butter
100g muscovado sugar
2 large eggs (beaten)
4 tbsp maple syrup
Royal Icing, lollies, edible glitter and anything else you would want to make them festive as fuck

Method
Line 2 baking sheets with baking paper and preheat the oven to 170C.

Combine the flour, salt, baking powder, cinnamon, cloves and pepper in a large bowl.

Cream the the butter and sugar in an electric mixer with paddle attachment, then slowly add the beaten eggs and maple syrup in three parts alternating with the dry ingredients, and mix until combined.

Form 2 fat discs and put one wrapped in cling-wrap in the fridge while you get started on the other.

Dust a work surface with flour, roll out the disc (also floured), to about 5mm and cut out cookies with the cutters of your choice.

Re-roll and cut out some more, setting aside the residue from this first disc and cover, while you get on with rolling out the second. When you’ve got both sets of leftover clumps of dough, roll out and cut out again, and keep doing so till all the dough’s used up.

When you can no longer be bothered, roll the dough into a ball and flatten on the tray.

Arrange the pastry shapes on the lined baking sheets and cook for about 20 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack and leave to cool.

Ice the cold decorations with reckless abandon until they are jacked-up on sugar and festive.

Laura Amaretti Cookies

12 Days of Survivor Christmas

Ok, I have a confession to make. Ben and I only reconnected with Laura Morett to try and draw Ciera Eastin into our inner circle. Unfortunately Ciera was too busy trying to distance herself  from Blood vs Water 2’s seemingly villainous heathen Baylor Wilson, to whom she had been  compared.

While we would have been great PR for you Ciera, we understand. And Baylor – call us. We’re here for you.

Amaretti 1

Despite this cunning plot, Laura and I go way back. She was recruited to whip Ben and I back into shape after our failed attempt to join the cast of the Biggest Loser (*almost* making it onto a show for which you prepared by eating a minimum of five parmigianas per day is devastating, trust me).

We whiled away the day chatting about Sarah Palin, Shambo and other topics of significant mutual interest which enjoying a delicious amaretti biscuit or two. Laura was stern with the upper limit of two cookies per person, which was harsh but necessary – with Jill gone again  and Bob banished to crappy loser canyon, what incentive is there to power-eat our way back into Biggest Loser contention?

Despite Laura’s portion control, these biscuits are extremely easy to eat – particularly when warm. The dense, chewy almond filling heartily flips the bird to it’s somewhat posher cousin, the macaron. Plus, they are a breeze to whip up!

photo 3

Laura Amaretti Cookies
Makes 20 cookies

Ingredients
180g almond meal
50g plain flour, sifted
3/4 cup caster sugar
2 egg whites
1 vanilla bean, seeds scraped
20 almonds

Directions
Preheat oven to 170 degrees celcius. In large bowl, mix together all ingredients except whole almonds gently until a uniform dough comes together.

Line a large baking tray with non-stick paper. Roll tablespoons of mixture into balls and space evenly on the tray. Press down gently on each dough ball with an almond.

Bake 15-20 minutes, or until golden and set.

Sugar Kiper Cookies

12 Days of Survivor Christmas

Our first festive friend to visit was Survivor: Gabon and Heroes vs. Villains alum, Sugar Kiper.

We first connected with Sugar during her time playing Rory’s foil/Jess’s girlfriend on one of the greatest show of all time, Gilmore Girls.

Annelie and I were working as gophers on the set, whilst trying to break into the writing staff with our glorious missing triplets storyline (Lorelai had actually given birth to triplets and gave two up for adoption, who would have been played to perfection by Annelie and I, and forgot we existed following a bout of medically inaccurate postpartum amnesia).

While Ames and Loz both passed on the idea (apparently it was too soapy and our auditions too hammy), Sugar was a big fan and we became fast friends and have stuck together during her stints on Survivor, our stints in jail and our joint stint appearing on season five of Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew.

Sugar was briefly in town on a secret mission (hopefully auditioning us for Survivor: Blood vs. Water 3, Annelie and Ben destroy each other), but was able to stop by for an afternoon of baking Sugar Kiper Cookies and sharing coffees.

 

Sugar Kiper Cookies 1

 

Fresh out of the oven, the slightly tinkered with Martha Stewart cookies were a festive delight. That was until someone (*cough* Annelie) suggested we snort the Royal Icing and the neighbours called the police for disorderly behaviour.

It wouldn’t be Christmas without a noise complaint, I guess. Enjoy!

 

Sugar Kiper Cookies 2

 

Sugar Kiper Cookies
Makes 20-30 cookies, cutter dependent

Ingredients
2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for rolling
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
115 grams unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup raw caster sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Royal Icing, lollies, edible glitter and anything else you would want to make them festive as fuck

Directions
In large bowl, whisk flour, baking powder, cinnamon and salt. With an electric mixer, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in egg and vanilla. With mixer on low, gradually add flour mixture and beat until combined. Divide dough in half; flatten into disks. Wrap each in plastic and freeze until firm (about 20 minutes).

Preheat oven to 160 degrees. Line baking sheets with baking paper. Remove one dough disk to stand for 5-10 minutes. Roll out 1/2 centimetre thick, dusting dough with flour as needed. Cut shapes with cookie cutters. Using a spatula, transfer to prepared baking sheets. Re-roll scraps, cut shapes. Repeat with remaining dough.

Bake, rotating halfway through, until edges are golden, 10-15 minutes (depending on size). Cool completely on wire racks. Decorate as desired.

Halle Blueberry Waffles

Breakfast, Dessert

Some people are very, very forgiving.

Very forgiving.

I mean, you can’t blame the teens who threw themselves in front of your car between stints in rehab and their various arrests (fun fact, we also inspired the actual bling ring kids) but to befriend the people who caused you so much trauma, stress and a PR nightmare takes a special kind of person.

Halle dropped over for breakfast yesterday; we think she may be scared to be around us at any event that could involve alcohol, which is fair enough but realistically when is alcohol not involved? Little did she know, we had accidentally spiked the batch of Halle Blueberry Waffles when we got into a fight and knocked over the last glass of our breakfast wine.

 

Halle BlueBerry Waffles 1

 

Over brunch, we caught up on how much our lives had changed for the better since we first connected, the Oscars (she feels snubbed for not getting a nom for Catwoman) and her idea for a potential reboot of The Flintstones, set in the future (that we kindly pretended was great and not at all like The Jetsons).

Thankfully the fresh, fluffy waffles went down better than her ideas with the exploding jewels of blueberry adding some fun to the occasion. We served them with some whipped cream, cinnamon and maple syrup, however they would work just as well with some butter and maple.

Enjoy!

 

Halle BlueBerry Waffles 2

 

Halle Blueberry Waffles
Serves 4-6, greed dependant

Ingredients
2 ¼ cups spelt flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
¼  teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 cup milk
¾  cup soda water
¼  cup oil
1 cup blueberries
butter, for greasing
cream, butter, cinnamon and/or maple syrup to serve

Method
Preheat your waffle iron.

Combine all dry ingredients in a large bowl, then whisk in all wet ingredients until smooth. Fold through blueberries.

Melt butter into waffle iron to grease. Scoop the batter into the waffle iron and close. Cook for 2-5 minutes, then repeat.