Author

Someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

It is a little known fact that some of the most seminal films of our time, were actually based on our lives.

We first met our friend and Jazz in Your Face member, Gina Gershon, on the set of one such film, Pretty in Pink – I used to make a living in Hollywood in the late 70s using my Janome to turn perfectly nice dresses into complete messes, although I did it ironically, as art.

Bonding over our love of sexualised dance, we formed a quick friendship with Giny and built our dance portfolio until we were noticed by the creators of Showgirls who wanted to make a film on our lives. You do not want to know how many flights of stairs were utilised to secure our fame.

Giny is in town wanting to work on some new routines for Jazz in Your Face with the hope it could lead to a reboot-crossover film between Showgirls and Magic Mike. What says let’s shake our groove things and get us show girls back on the road?

Picture source: DVT/Star Max/FilmMagic.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Candy Apple Spelling

Carnival Week, Dessert, Sweets

High society folk like us have many ways of making friends – some admittedly more glamorous than others. While I’d love to say Ben and I met our greatest gal-pals during our prep-school education at Chilton, we actually spent our teenage years at 267th best public school in the United States – Beverly Hills High.

It was on these sacred grounds that we first met the delightful Candy Marer, more commonly known as Candy Spelling. We spent our high school days generally sass-mouthing ugly children and behaving like a self-proclaimed mean girl clique. It was glorious, and Candy was our queen.

Fast-forward a few years and Ben and I were the most dazzling bridesmaids ever as Candy Marer became Candy Spelling. Aaron was quite the handsy fellow at the wedding, a handsy-ness we enjoyed and encouraged and would ultimately mark the demise of our great friendship with Candy.

After Aaron’s death in 2006, Candy turned to her closest BFFs for comfort only to find out that we were aggressively pursuing the estate for the contents of the wrapping room. While we obtained the most luxurious gift wrap supply known to man, our relationship with Candy was destroyed.

As it turns out, we really miss Candy and it is time to make amends. What says here is a sweetener to bring you back into our lives?

 

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After all, nothing says ‘I’m sorry’ like a piece of impaled fruit covered with jaw-breaking, blood red candy.

 

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Candy Apple Spelling
Serves: 6

Ingredients
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup glucose syrup
1-2 teaspoons red food colouring
6 medium granny smith apple
6 extra thick barbecue skewers

Method
Wash and dry the apples and firmly skewer through the core with a barbecue skewer. Line a tray with non-stick baking paper.

Combine water, sugar and glucose syrup in a saucepan. Cook over medium heat, without stirring for 20 minutes or until a candy thermometer registers 150 degrees celsius (hard crack stage). Add food colouring, tipping the saucepan gently to mix.

Working quickly, dip skewered apples into candy mixture until coated. Set aside on baking paper until firm and cool.

 

We are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Arianncini Huffington

Party Food, Snack

It is pretty poor form for us to miss one of our closest friend’s birthdays but thankfully Arianna is so poised, dignified and understanding … particularly when it comes to rebooting CHiPs, which fun fact, is her favourite show of all time.

We have been close friends with Arianna and the wider Huffington family for the best part of the last three decades, with Annelie working as her campaign manager in the 2003 California recall election and while I went rogue, working pro-boner to bring down Arnie.

Sadly, I wasn’t his type and couldn’t get the right scandalous images and Arianna withdrew from the race after discovering my unethical plan but thankfully we were able to inspire her to launch the phenomenon that is The Huffington Post after a casual-power-lunch at Nobu.

While Arianna left lunch to get straight to work on building her empire, we lingered at the restaurant and commenced our long running feud with Yolanda Foster (we ended up giving her lyme disease) and quickly fled the country to avoid arrests.

Being a saint, Arianna  forgave us for our behaviour and has continue to support us publically as often as possible, most recently when I was campaigned for the non-existent role of King of Movember.

Wanting to impress Arianna during her quick jaunt to Brisbane (and make up for our tardiness), we opted to whip out our famed, noted and totally thriving Arianncini Huffington.

 

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Like dear Ari, the Arianncini are textured, complex, warm with a bit of a kick and a warm gooey centre. All in all, a delight.

Enjoy and happy belated birthday dear friend!

 

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Arianncini Huffington
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
900ml Chicken Stock
2-3 tablespoons olive oil
1 onion, finely chopped
340g marinated artichokes, drained and chopped
300g arborio rice
¼ cup dry white wine
30g unsalted butter, chopped
½ cup finely grated parmesan
squeeze of fresh lemon juice
1 tsp dried chilli flakes
100g mozzarella, cut into small cubes (you could trade out for fetta)
1 tablespoon plain flour
1 egg, lightly beaten
2 cups (200g) dried breadcrumbs

Method
Bring stock to the boil over high heat and keep at a gentle simmer.

Heat oil in a large, heavy-based pan over medium-low heat, add onion and cook for 3-4 minutes until soft. Add artichokes and rice and stir for 1-2 minutes to coat grains. Add wine and stir for 3-4 minutes until almost evaporated. Add a ladleful of stock and allow it to be absorbed. Repeat until all of the stock is used. Reduce heat and continue until rice is cooked but still firm to the bite (10-ish minutes max). Stir in butter, parmesan, lemon and chilli, and season to taste. Spread risotto in a shallow dish to cool, cover and refrigerate for at least an hour or overnight.

I find it is easy to work with if it was in the fridge for only a few hours.

Preheat oven to 200 C. Line a tray with baking paper. Place 1 tablespoon of risotto in the palm of your hand and flatten slightly. Place a piece of mozzarella in the centre, then roll up to enclose and form a smooth ball. Place on the tray. Repeat with remaining risotto, then chill balls for 10 minutes. Place flour, egg and crumbs in separate bowls. Dust risotto balls in flour, then dip in egg, roll in crumbs and return to tray.

Drizzle balls with oil and place in the oven to bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and crisp, turning halfway through baking. Yes, I am aware that is a terrible instruction, but I’m scared of frying the balls.

Best served with a spicy tomato sauce. Surely we have a recipe laying around here, somewhere?

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Thrivin’ and a jivin’

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

There is nothing we enjoy more than to help our dear friends celebrate their birthdays.

The delightful Ari-Huff aka Arianna Huffington media-conglomerate, actress, author and global demi-God had a birthday last week but we sadly were too busy working on rebooting CHiPs to catch-up, so delayed the party until this week.

We first met Ari in the mid-80s when we were judging a Gabor-sound-a-like-contest where she placed second behind Magda as we forgot she existed (this later inspired her fight with Brian in our script for Family Guy). After realising our mistake and apologising profusely, Ari took us under her wing and proceeded to mentor us and act as a(nother) surrogate mother.

While we briefly lost touch last year after she refused to include our chapter on jive, jivin’ and jive turkeys in her book Thrive, our friendship is as strong as it has ever been.

What says happy birthday, we love you, please employ us and we really need to talk about expanding our jive chapter into a sequel to Thrive … as that is obviously why you had it removed?

Picture source: Jordan Strauss / Invision / AP file.

David Sespare Ribs

Americana Week, Main

Picture it, Christmas, Macy’s, 1991. Annelie had just been cast as Santa and I had successfully made the cut as a Christmas Elf after the casting director noted that he had “never seen a man so small and light in his loafers.”

It was the same year that Dave Sedaris made his triumphant debut as Crumpet the Elf (I went by the name of Twerk and inappropriately gyrated in the back of photos, inventing twerking). The three of us quickly formed the instant, unbreakable bond that can only come from working a Christmas in retail, having to endure the true horror that is the general population.

We spent the time threatening customers, warring with rival elves and trying to woo the sexy-Santa; it was glorious.

Following our time at Macy’s, we briefly travelled around with Dave working in orchards, picking up litter and hitch-hiking, before Annelie and I left him to flourish while we headed back to LA to scam some celebrities and avoid real work.

Despite his success and penchant to work hard, he has always admired our hustle and lack of work ethic, and we in turn admire him for that.

We dropped in to New York on the way to Washington and thought we should catch up with Dave and his sister Amy, in the hope that we could steal his latest manuscript and hock it as our own and get a voice role on BoJack Horseman as our relationship with Will Arnett has soured without Ames (Poehler) constantly requesting he give us another chance.

To sweeten the deal/bribe them, we decided to make some all-American David Sespare Ribs.

 

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All together smokey, sweet and with a kick of heat, these are quite possibly the best ribs you can make … other than the ones you “made” by purchasing them from the Rammer Jammer.

Enjoy!

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Friendster, FriendFace, Myspace and YouFace coming soon.

 

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David Sespare Ribs
Serves: 4-6

Ingredients
1 x 1.5kg – 2kg rack BBQ ribs
2 cups apple juice

Dry rub
4 tablespoons smoked paprika
6 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons celery salt
2 teaspoons chipotle chilli powder
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 teaspoons ground ginger
2 teaspoons mustard powder
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon salt flakes

Grilling sauce
2 cups of your favourite barbecue sauce
2 cinnamon sticks
1 cup apple juice

Method
Combine all dry rub ingredients. Rub over rack of ribs and refrigerate, covered, for at least three hours or overnight.

When it is time to cook, preheat oven to 140 C. Place ribs in roasting tray with ½ cup of apple juice, cover tightly with foil. Roast for 3 hours, topping up apple juice every hour, until fork tender.

Meanwhile, combine cinnamon sticks and apple juice in saucepan over medium heat. Simmer gently until reduced by half. Remove cinnamon stick and stir in salt and pepper.

Generously cover ribs with barbecue sauce. Grill under high heat for 5 minutes or until dark and sticky.

George Takeios

Main

It is always difficult to maintain a friendship with someone you share an unbridled sexual chemistry with … thankfully, it has kind of become our thing.

We stayed close with George following our unplanned stint in the jungle and he and his husband Brad, have had us stay countless times (sadly, we stayed in guest rooms) and he even got us jobs as Julia Roberts’ and Tom Hanks’ stunt doubles on the film Larry Crowne.

George dropped by sulusolo however sadly he wasn’t there to share himself with us … just his congratulatory regards.

You see, buzz is building about this current catch-up project of ours in Hollywood and studios/networks are plotting to sign us any way they can! Don’t tell, but we would likely go with Netflix (unless Les is willing to give us the shared role of Probst’s on location assistants, and you know which location we will be on).

George excitedly shared what he had heard while we caught-up over a banquet of our George Takeios.

 

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The Takeios, unlike our solo retreats to our respective bedrooms, were hot, spicy and were so tasty they make you weak at the knees. Enjoy!

Now to recalibrate the time machine to go back to Shatner’s big bash …

 

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George Takeios
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1 onion, diced
1 red capsicum, diced
1 green capsicum, diced
1 tbsp olive oil
2 garlic cloves, sliced
A pinch of paprika
1½ tsp cumin
1 tablespoon chilli powder
500g minced beef
250ml beef stock
12 corn taco shells
Grated cheese and lettuce, to serve

Salsa
2 tomatoes, roughly chopped
Juice of ½ lime
1 shallot, finely sliced
1 tbsp coriander, roughly chopped

Guacamole
2 avocados
Juice of ½ lime
2 tbsp sour cream

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C. Soften the onion and capsicum in the olive oil in a large pan over a low heat. Add the garlic, paprika and cumin and cook for 1–2 minutes. Add the beef and stir until it has browned. Pour in the stock, cover and cook for 45 minutes.

Mix the tomatoes with the lime juice, shallot and coriander, then season carefully to taste.

Mash the avocados with a fork, squeeze in the lime juice, add the sour cream, season and mix it all up.

Spread the taco shells out on a baking tray and place in the oven for 3–4 minutes until crisp.

Fill the shells with the meat, salsa, guacamole, cheese and lettuce or lay everything out and let everyone help themselves.

Tina Souffle

Dessert, Easter Meggstravaganza

Step five is always a blessing and a curse. As Peter Parker famously said, with being a hero comes great power and great responsibility – so trying to pin down Teenz is always a tad difficult.

After we failed to befriend Amy Poehler through Adam Scott, we travelled back in time to the Delaware County Summer Showtime to befriend Tina in her (our?) younger years. It worked and thankfully, history was rewritten with the four of us being best friends (she totally got us in with Ames). Her love for us knows no bounds and she went on to write 30 Rock with Tracey Jordan and Jenna Maroney being based on us. We were also instrumental in the writing of Mean Girls, which was actually a thinly veiled attack at our less successful co-stars at the County Summer Showtime.

Tina was always keen as mustard to help us out with our blossoming careers. She got us auditions with Saturday Night Live, however Ben was overly keen to sleep his way in (even when this was explicitly not necessary). He peddled one junk-shot too many unfortunately and Lorne Michaels banished both of us from the studio, swearing our names would never be uttered on set again and rendering us the unofficial voldemorts of NBC.

Despite trashing the brilliant opportunities Tina generously found us, she still considers us two of her oldest friends. She is always willing to help out so jumped at the opportunity to help another person in dire straits – Meg Ryan and her pitiful, failing career.

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As Tina is the gold standard in entertainment, we needed the gold standard of desserts. Chocolatey and rich yet light and delicious like the lady herself, the Tina Souffle ticks all the boxes.

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Tina Souffle
Serves: 6

Ingredients
6 eggs, separated
180g dark chocolate
50ml cream
50g caster sugar
Butter and caster sugar, for ramekins

Method
Heat oven to 200C. Butter and sugar the ramekins.

Over a low heat, melt the chocolate and cream together and allow to cool slightly before whisking in six egg yolks.

Using a stand mixer, beat egg whites until stiff peaks form and slowly add caster sugar until a thick meringue forms.

Benjamin Slaw

Side

It is always great to catch up with Ben and even better to watch the awkward way in which non-published Ben fawns all over him. Thankfully Law is well natured enough to ignore it. Maybe he is just grateful Ben isn’t demanding to sit on his knee like when Luke visits?

Ben was in town visiting family but dropped by for a catch-up, that in retrospect I think may have actually been a welfare check. Since moving to Sydney, we haven’t seen as much of Ben with our resurgent fame keeping us busy and Ben, you know, having work to do on account of having actual talent.

To keep him on schedule for his obligations, we threw together a Benjamin Slaw as we quickly discussed our upcoming stint on Home & Away (his childhood dream), whether Germaine Greer has forgiven our feud (don’t ask and no she hasn’t) and his upcoming book (we aren’t allowed to discuss, but it will be glorious).

 

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There is no improving on perfection, so we gracefully bowed down to the Goddess Nigella and used her New Orleans Coleslaw for the Benjamin Slaw. Ben obviously lied to Ben and told him that he had invented the recipe…but don’t tell him.

Enjoy, he did…even with the side of lies!

 

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Benjamin Slaw (aka Nigella’s New Orleans Coleslaw)
Serves 6

Ingredients
1 white cabbage, about 1kg before trimming
2 carrots
2 sticks celery
4 spring onions
200 grams mayonnaise
4 tablespoons buttermilk
2 tablespoons maple syrup
2 teaspoons cider vinegar
100 grams pecan nuts, finely chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Trim and shred the cabbage, either by hand or with a food processor.

Peel and grate the carrots, and finely slice the celery and spring onions.

Whisk together the mayonnaise, buttermilk, maple syrup and vinegar and coat the shredded vegetables with this dressing.

Season, and toss through the chopped nuts.

All Our Friends Are Coming to Brisbane

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

For two antisocial people, our phones sure do seem to ring off the hook!

Benjamin Law gave us a call over the weekend to drop by for lunch while he is in town seeing family…or something. We are both antisocial and have terrible attention spans.

Ben and I first met Benjamin (who for the sake of confusion we will refer to as Ben) at different times, but because of the same series of events. You see, Ben sees Ben as a literary hero and developed the belief that by laying his head where Ben lays his head, he would absorb some greatness.

Ben came home from work one day to find Ben in his bed, madly rubbing his head into his pillow chanting “make me write goooo-ooood” like he was our close friend Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball.

(Side note: It didn’t work, clearly).

Ben being kind, generous and filled with pity called the first unlucky person in Ben’s phone (me), instead of alerting the police.

What says thanks for not alerting the police to our criminal attempts to absorb your greatness and politely returning all of our calls when Ben wanted to “catch-up” until he (evidently) Stockholm syndrome-d you into friendship?

Picture source: @mrbenjaminlaw/Twitter.