The best day of the year

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Treat Yo' Self Week

As you would no doubt be aware (and if you’re not, thanks for the support but bye Felicia), this Tuesday we will be celebrating the best day of the year.

No, you have not been blackout drunk for two and a half months (Christmas isn’t a day, it is a season), we are of course referring to Treat Yo’ Self Day.

Annelie and I initially invented the day after watching the episode of Parks and Recreation, and jumping in the time machine, getting a job as staff writers of the acclaimed sitcom and pitching the idea moments before the actual genius.

How do we top fragrances, massages, fine leather goods and the shoes Jaden Smith wears in the soon to be green-lit Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch?

Oh, just you wait …

Picture source: NBC.

 

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Peih-Gee Lawsagne

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Poor sweet, scrappy Peih-Gee – just when she felt safe, our dear friend Abi-Maria (we met after getting kicked out of the same anger management course) flipped the game and orchestrated her blindside.

Let this be a warning to all of the remaining players, do not cross the Brazilian beauty … she will boot you!

We first met our (other) dear friend Peih-Gee while working as back-up dancers during Madonna’s performance at the 1998 MTV Music Awards (where I once again displayed twerking to the masses before Miley did). A fast bond was formed upon discovering that she was heiress to a jewellery dynasty, hoping she would go full Patty Hearst and help us rob the family business following a period of brainwashing.

While that didn’t happen, on account of her superior morals and strong will, she was kind enough to keep us blinged out with her superior jewellery designs.

Going into Second Chance, we felt that Peeg (as her closest friends call her) was well placed to succeed being a lone representative from a middle season however sadly our little firecracker Abi took an immediate dislike to our pocket rocket and she was doomed to join our other (loser) friends on the pre-jury vacay while we hung out in Ponderosa with their more successful peers.

While she was bummed to go out early, she was more than ready to leave the desolate Angkor beach and devour a hearty slice of our famed and noted Peih-Gee Lawsagne.

 

Peih-Gee Lawsagne_1

 

We first made her the Lawsagne while squatting at her San Franciscan home whilst Annelie was trying to destroy George Lucas for taking away her first love Mark Hamill and I was developing my Castro based, soon to be green-lit Andy Dick Broadway musical Little Whorphan Andy (Harvey Fierstein, give me a call).

Peeg had just returned from her crushing defeat in China (could you imagine how great a Peih-Gee / Courtney finals would have been?) to discover that we had sold most of her possessions and trashed her house – the only thing we could do to apologise, was feed her our delicious, delicious comfort food.

Enjoy!

 

Peih-Gee Lawsagne_2

 

Peih-Gee Lawsagne
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
1 cup Toni Basil pesto
1 cup green peas
400g ricotta cheese
1 egg
3/4 cup Parmesan
1/2 cup mozzarella
2 cups passata
1/2 cup cream
8-12 fresh lasagne sheets

Method
Heat a large saute pan and cook chicken mince until browned all over. Add cup of peas, cup of pesto and 1/2 cup of water. Cover and simmer for 5 minutes, or until peas are cooked.

While the chicken is cooking, mix together ricotta, egg, 1/4 cup Parmesan and season with salt and pepper. In another bowl, mix passata and cream.

Preheat oven to 180C. In a rectangular baking dish, spread 1/3 of passata mixture. Lay out lasagne sheets and top with a thin layer of ricotta mixture and chicken, and roll up from the short end. Place on top of passata mixture. Continue until all filling and lasagne sheets are used.

Top roll-ups with remaining sauce and sprinkle with remaining Parmesan and mozzarella. Bake for 35 minutes, or until lasagne noodles are soft enough to eat.

 

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Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins

Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Well this week’s visit sure provided us with some shocks! We were under the impression that Hilary was just making a quick trip over to discuss collaborating on a new album and/or to do a guest stint on Younger, but her real reason was far more telenovela.

Wait for it…Annelie and I are actually Duffs!

Yes, you read that correctly – Annelie and I are both long lost Duff siblings! I have always had an inkling that I was older than I thought, given my penchant for pre-5PM dinners, but I never thought for a second that I was Haylie Duff’s seven minutes younger and far prettier twin.

I was in smug shock thinking about how glorious our debut album as Up the Duffs’  would be (probably in stores next fall) that I almost fell off my chair when Hizza dropped the bomb that Annelie was not only a Duff, but Hilary’s twin.

Hilary was so pleased to have received an anonymous tip-off that her mother gave two of her children up, and even more so when she discovered that those children were her best friends and the writer/creators of Lizzie McGuire.

So excited that she even ignored the fact we sided with Stifler’s Mom in the violent and deadly A Cinderella Story feud … and poisoned Chad Michael Murray against her during our on set fling!

Oh and that time we got Haylie fired from 7th Heaven likening her to the second coming of Shannen Doherty so that I could sleep with Simon (we thought the show was a documentary and our alcoholism was blinding our judgement when Matt was clearly the superior son).

While Annelie eventually came clean that she gave Hizza the anonymous tip-off and that she falsified the DNA results, it was so nice reconnecting as family as opposed to friends over our Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins. I don’t know we will ever be able to tell her the truth (I wouldn’t anyway, that would ruin Annelie’s long-winded scam).

 

Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins_1

 

Like Hilary the muffins are a sweet, sugar coated delight but like her and Haylie’s respective twins they have enough spice to keep it interesting.

Or that is how we sold it to her – enjoy!

 

Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins_2

 

Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins
Makes: 8.

Ingredients
2 cups plain flour
4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
250g butter, melted
1 cup brown sugar
½ cup maple syrup
4 eggs
5 granny smith apples, finely diced
2 tsp ground cinnamon, extra
½ cup caster sugar

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Sift the flour, baking powder and cinnamon in a bowl to combine, before adding the butter, brown sugar, maple syrup, eggs and apple. Mix thoroughly to combine.

Divide the mixture evenly amongst 8 Texas muffin tins and bake for 20-25 minutes or until a skewer comes out clean.

Combine the extra cinnamon and caster sugar in a bowl.

Immediately remove the muffins from the tin and toss the cakes in the sugar. Cool and devour.

 

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This is what dreams are made of

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Good news!

Just got off the phone from our dear friend Hiz – no, not future POTUS Hiz, but the Hiz with one L aka Hilary Duff.

She was all like, “hey now, hey now! I need to come over for a catch-up, it has been so long.”

Obvs our answer was sure, please hurry. I mean, this is what dreams are made of!

What do me make for America’s sweetheart aka TV and film’s erstwhile Lizzie McGuire aka the greatest singer/actress to ever walk the planet?

Picture source: Matt Sayles/Invision/AP.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Mirin Oskooi Salmon

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

It is truly lucky that Ben and I were able to comfort the devastated Shirin Oskooi after her very premature exit from Second Chance.

While many people think Ben and I only know Shirin given how extraordinarily well connected we are in the Survivor circles, the truth is we interned for her briefly at Google. Although we had been embedded in Google as spies to collect corporate secrets around Shirin’s prized Google calendar, we were both so technologically illiterate (apparently Google doesn’t accept sexual favours in lieu of intelligence) we were fired well before this was possible.

Luckily, Shirin thought we were both pretty ace on a personal level, and we’ve been catching up at the Burning Man festival ever since.

Shirin bolted out of the gates on Second Chance, and it seems as though her supreme wit and smarts was her downfall. The fact that she also turned her back on the somewhat erratic Abi-Maria likely didn’t help, as she lost her majority alliance to Deitzy’s undeniable charms.

What provides warm, tasty comfort without wreaking havoc on one’s undeniably fragile internal eco-system after subsisting on bugs and coconuts?

 

 

shirin

 

The Mirin Oskooi Salmon combines the health benefits of salmon with a fuck-load of sugar and mirin. A perfect balance of healthy and fuck you Abi and Terry.

 

shirin 2

 

Mirin Oskooi Salmon
Serves: 4

Ingredients
4 200g salmon fillets
1/4 cup mirin
1/3 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons honey
Thumb-size piece of ginger, finely grated

Method
Combine mirin, soy, sugar, honey and ginger in a large ziplock bag. Add salmon fillets and allow to marinate, refrigerated, for up to 2 hours.

Heat a large frypan with a small amount of oil. Add salmon, brushed with extra marinade, cooking for 2-3 minutes each side or until just cooked through.

Serve with steamed greens and rice.

 

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Risottis Redding

Main

I am so thankful that we successfully mastered time travel! Aside from the obvious information we get like the winning lotto numbers and who to bet on at the track on a boozy Wednesday afternoon, it is such a joy to be able to go back and reconnect with our friends that have passed … or to correct condiment catastrophes.

We first met dear Otis Redding while we were children singing in the Vineville Baptist Church choir. Otis is the first person to ever put us on the right path; Annelie and I joined the choir to get close enough to loot the collections after each service but young Otis caught us and instead of sending us to juvie, befriended us and tried to help us lead an honest life up until his untimely death (which inspired us to write the hit and then shit TV series LOST).

During our too-brief friendship, we were able to enjoy a highly successful writing partnership culminating in the hit some (Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay … which you know are not the lyrics I was suggesting while we were on a romantic working holiday in Sausalito.

Remembering the time fondly and wanting to stop Otis from getting on the plane, Annelie and I set the time machine to 1967, aka the beautiful time that we wrote the song. Obviously while there, we were also hoping to secure some Bay Area property to avoid being priced out by the tech boom, but it was mainly to see Ot.

Always the gentleman, it was such a thrill to see Otis again! Despite some annoying Hermione-with-the-time-turner logistical issues to start, we were able to talk down our past selves (by paying them off with future money to ultimately buy property. Yep, genius bribe idea) and spend some much need relaxation time with Ots.

He casually strummed his guitar (for once, this is not a euphemism) and put the finishing touches on his beautiful song while we got to work making his favourite meal Risottis Redding (with Annelie and I wishing the other wasn’t there ruining the romantic mood, and in her case, forcing me to cook in clothing).

 

Risottis Redding_1

 

Like our dearly departed friend, risotto is a homely, delicate dish with so many notes depending on how you make it. Risottis is a very simple version of the Italian classic, with a light mix of herbs and cheese creating a sweet base for the robust and salty prosciutto, topped with some leftover pork meatballs and pesto to give an added kick.

Enjoy!

 

Risottis Redding_2

 

Risottis Redding
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 ½ cups chicken stock
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
250g prosciutto
2 cups arborio rice
½ cup white wine
1 tsp salt
2 tbsp unsalted butter
½ cup grated parmesan cheese
black pepper, freshly ground
1 tbsp rosemary, finely chopped
½ batch Christopher Porken Meatballs
Toni Basil Pesto, to taste

Method
Bring the stock to boil in a large saucepan over medium heat and then reduce to a simmer.

Heat the oil in a large frying pan over medium heat and sauté the onion, garlic and prosciutto, stirring, until soft. About 5 minutes.

Pour the rice into the pan and cook, again stirring, for a further three minutes before adding the white wine and salt. Continue to stir until all of the wine has been absorbed. Add a cup of chicken stock and continue to stir vigorously as it absorbs. When it is almost all gone, add another cup and repeat the process until all of the stock is gone.

Reduce heat to low and stir in the butter, parmesan, pepper and rosemary. Season to taste.

Generously ladle into bowls and serve with freshly cooked meatballs and pesto.

 

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What you want, baby he got

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

It has been a year since we documented our first celebrity catch-up and we are feeling all nostalgic.

Despite the ups and downs, the stints in rehab and jail and grifting Hollywood’s elite in pursuit of fame, fortune and our own brand of happiness, we have managed to make some truly beautiful friendships.

Our dear friend Otis Redding may have died a very long time ago, but he is still one of the people we are closest too.

He would have recently celebrated his 74th birthday had he not been tragically taken from us, so felt we should travel back in time and celebrate with him.

What says happy birthday, we miss you and don’t trust planes?

Picture source: AP Photo.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Spicy, Sweet & Souri Cruise Soup

Main, Soup

What a difference two weeks make! I mean, we had envisioned The E.J.A.C.U.L.A.T.E. Book Club as a time for us to get together with our friend Eric Jonrosh and tear shreds of our mutual friends’ talent or lack thereof.

Suri Cruise being the talented and ferocious tween that she is got in touch when she heard we would be discussing her first book Suri’s Burn Book (originally a blog, imagine that) she decided to get in touch and, knowing our catty behaviour, get in front of the situation. Therefore, our book club will now, forever more, involve our celebrity-author friends.

Eric chose Suri’s Burn Book for its strong sense of prose and the questions it asked about society; why do we act like children when we don’t own a Ferragamo, why did the Kardashians exist before the arrival of Caitlyn Jenner and why oh why do the Garnerflecks insist upon acting poor?

Suri’s writing blisters of the page as she highlights the inherent flaws with the current crop of second generation (plus) Hollywood. Give us the Lizas, the Drews and the Carries; these women knew what privilege could get you and, where required, derailed early enough to enjoy successful careers.

I mean, you just always knew Suri was behind Katie’s emancipation (and getting rid of her half smile), didn’t you?

Suri balances her acid tongue with surprising stints of sweet empathy (free the Kardashian-Disicks, am I right?) and the kind of scathing words that burn to your core – as such, the only appropriate thing to eat during the discussion/analysis was our Spicy, Sweet & Souri Cruise Soup.

 

Spicy, Sweet & Souri Cruise Soup_1

 

Like Cruise’s work, the whack of chilli punches you in the gut like one of her barbs, the sweetness of the honey is like her public persona and the tang of the sake is representative of the tartness you feel in your soul from the existential questions Cruise’s work raises.

Five Jonrosh Goblets out of Five, for the book and the soup.

Enjoy!

For those playing at home, what did you think of Suri’s work?

 

Spicy, Sweet & Souri Cruise Soup_2

 

Spicy, Sweet & Souri Cruise Soup
Serves: 3-4.

Ingredients
3 cloves of garlic
2 red chillies
thumb-sized piece of ginger
200g shitake mushrooms, sliced
225g sliced bamboo shoots, drained
vegetable oil
3 tbsp gluten free soy sauce
¼ cup cooking sake
1 teaspoon honey
1 ½ litres vegetable stock
250g firm tofu
4 spring onions
½ bunch of chives
1 large egg
sea salt
freshly ground white pepper
sriracha

Method
Heat stock in a large saucepan before you get to work preparing everything else.

Peel the garlic, crush and finely slice, finely slice the chillies, peel and finely grate the ginger; combine all three in a bowl.

Drain the bamboo shoots and finely slice the mushrooms.

Heat a generous amount of oil in a large saucepan, over high heat; add the mushrooms, garlic, chillies, ginger and bamboo shoots and fry until softened and lightly golden.

Add the soy, sake and honey to the pan with a generous pinch of salt and pepper, stirring and cooking for a further minute. Add the stock and bring to a gentle boil, before reducing the heat and simmering for about ten minutes.

Use this time to dice the tofu into 1cm cubes, finely slice the shallots and chives, and quickly whisk the egg in a large mug.

Add the tofu, chives and shallots to the pan, stir and remove from the heat. Give the saucepan a stir and while stirring, pour in the egg to finely cook it into thin ribbons.

Add sriracha to taste and season with more soy, sake, salt and pepper until you balance the flavours to your taste.

Devour and clear out your sinuses.

 

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Vytas Baskausserole

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Poor, beautiful, rump-a-licious Vytas!

While Vytas has sadly always turned down my sexual advances, even in our time together in prison (you just know I would have made a beautiful prison wife), he did not deserve the tragedy/travesty of being the first boot on Second Chance!

Seriously people, get rid of our frenemy of beige-personality Woo!

We have been friends with Vytas longer than anyone else on the cast, after meeting in Santa Monica in the late 90s while Annelie and I were trying to grift celebrities. Unlike the Shirin and Kelley-not-Wiglesworth’s of the world, we were immediately taken with the bad boy and lured him into our web of deceit and drugs, landing us in jail.

Annelie ended up in prison with Piper Kerman, Vytas and I were lucky enough to stay together where we were bonded for life. While Vytas used the time as an opportunity to grow and better himself, Annelie and I used it to rule the prison yard until we were released.

Being so kind Vyt has never held that against us, even as we went through relapse after relapse and returned to prison to get our stale cigarette’s from the vents (yep, we inspired both Vee and Red).

In early 2006, we realised Vyt’s dreamboat brother was set to appear on our favourite program, Survivor and got to work planning a double wedding to the brother’s. (Sadly they didn’t think it was a great idea).

Going into Second Chance, we knew Vytas would have one of the largest target’s on his back as not only is he hella dreamy but he proved in his previous turn that he could charm people and would play dirty if needed.

Knowing this, we broke away from the press area after the marooning and stole our friend Abi-Maria’s bracelet (sorry Abi, we love you) to create some drama to deflect attention from Vytas long enough for Savage to suggest another naked challenge.

Sadly Vytas took the pre-game advice I gave him for wooing me and used it in game, taking a direct quote I whispered into his ear while he slept the night before the game, “Hammer that nail into me (to) Woo (me). Hammer it into me.”

It is always hard to be the first boot (am I right, Francesca?), but Vyt met us in Ponderosa with a lot of grace and humility. Obviously we were ropeable, threw out all of our rice in the Tribal Council fire (soz if you wanted Risotto after your boots, guys) and got to work making our angry and hearty Vytas Baskausserole.

 

Vytas Baskausserole_1

 

Based on a California-esque casserole we made in the early years of our friendship, the Baskausserole is filled with a kick of heat to wash away the sadness of being first boot. We also couldn’t remember if Vytas was vegetarian, so just pretend it is if he is, ok?

Enjoy – Vyt, just remember Tina was also a first boot once!

I wonder who will be joining him on the pre-jury vacation..?

 

Vytas Baskausserole_2

 

Vytas Baskausserole
Serves: 10 or one first boot and his two close friends that just damn, wish they were his lovers.

Ingredients
1kg beef mince
1 green capsicum, diced
2 onions, diced
400g can creamed corn
400g can condensed tomato soup
400g can diced tomatoes
1 cup passata
125g button mushrooms, whole or quartered (size dependent)
120g jarred pimientos, drained and chopped
hot sauce, to taste
¼ jarred olives, drained and sliced
1 tsp celery salt
½ teaspoon mustard powder
½ teaspoon chili powder
¼ teaspoon ground pepper
500g wide tagliatelle, cooked and drained
2 cups cheddar cheese, grated

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

In a large fry-pan, cook mince, capsicum and onion over medium heat until the meat is starting to brown.

Drain out any fat and stir in all remaining ingredients, except for the cheese, and pour into a large baking dish (30x20cm-ish).

Top with cheese and bake for 40-50 minutes.

Devour and plot ways to enact revenge on those who wronged our dear friend slash potential new boyfriend.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Friza Minnelli (Friza with a Z)

Main, Side, Snack

If any of our friends can hold a candle to our razzle dazzle, it is Liza. Obviously that has a lot to do with my Triple Threat Tutelage (I must copyright that name), but I do believe she could have achieved fame on the z-list without me.

I mean it is Liza with a Z, after all.

While I trained dear Liza, we have sadly never had the opportunity to work together onscreen. Well we did, but Fosse the freak fucked it up. You see, I was originally cast in the role of the Emcee in the movie version of Cabaret however was fired for refusing to wear the comparatively demure costume that Joel Grey ended up wearing in his Oscar winning turn.

After the travesty, I hit the prescription drugs pretty hard and eventually took both Annelie and Liza with me where we became bonded for life.

Liza dropped by yesterday at dusk, when thankfully lighting is kinder, and immediately found her way to the balcony to bust out an epic tune to anyone that would listen. (It was fantastic, FYI). Thankfully she has recovered from her vertigo (which was written into Arrested Development) and we didn’t lose another treasure!

After wowing the wider neighbourhood, we quickly got to work gossiping about all of our mutual nemeses – Sienna Miller really had no place being in the latest Cabaret revival on Broadway, I mean, where is her Academy Award Nomination – and whipping up a batch of our favourite bitching food, Friza Minnelli.

 

Friza Minnelli_1

 

We first had the idea fresh out of rehab in the late 70s to do an Italian take on chilli fries and bam, Friza was born. Thankfully we had some leftover Dolognese from last week’s visit, so it was nice and easy to put together with some perfectly cooked oven fries.

Enjoy! But how couldn’t you – what is better than the joining of Dolly and Liza?

 

Friza Minnelli_2

 

Friza Minnelli
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
2 cups Dolognese Parton
4 russet potatoes
extra virgin olive oil
parmesan, grated

Method
Preheat oven to 220°C degrees.

Chop potatoes into matchsticks by cutting the potatoes in half, in half again, then slicing into wedges and then into thin matchsticks. Sounds confusing, but I promise it will make sense when you’re doing it.

Line two baking sheets with greaseproof paper and add the fries with a generous drizzle of EVOO and a good whack of salt and pepper. Toss generously to coat.

Arrange fries in a single layer, avoiding too much overlap if you can. Chuck them in the oven and bake for 25-35 minutes, tossing half way to ensure even crispiness.

When the fries have about 15 minutes left, place the Dolognese Parton in a saucepan and cook over low heat until it comes to temperature.

Once the fries are done, serve evenly between the bowls. Cover with Dolognese and garnish, heavily and aggressively, with parmesan.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.