Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for – if you have any sense – is here, RuPaul’s Drag Race is back! Haven’t you missed the hell out of Michelle’s cackle? Bless her. Anyway, and I surprise myself by saying this, Mish isn’t the main reason we are here, it is to welcome the newest Ru girls, so in the words of the great bus stop lurking Roxxxy Andrews – come on through season 9, let’s get sickening!
On that note, the first queen to arrive was Peppermint, looking like the love child of T-Boz, Queen Latifah and Janet Jackson. Not wanting to leave the sweet queen solo for too long, Valentina arrived, looking delicate and snatched in drag and like a French mime as a boy. She claims to be artistic … but despite only 10 months in drag, she is better than Serena ChaCha ever dreams of being.
Despite her too much, too soon levels of sub-par shade and trying to instigate a one-sided sequel to Coco and Alyssa’s feud – which would make a great season of Ryan Murphy’s feud, no? – Eureka was able to win me over with her opening line. Because girl is serving up pure catfish, and I love it.
Following on the transatlantic redacted year old Charlie Hides arrived, making an early play for Miss Congeniality … as long as Lana del Rey doesn’t rally her troops to vote against her. From the oldest to one of the youngest, Farrah Moan arrived wearing Rose McGowan’s infamous ‘98 VMAs outfit. Thankfully she elected to wear undies.
Sasha Velour, *screams*. I have nothing more to say, other than the fact I love her.
Broadway baby Alexis Michelle egg-rolled into the werk room, reconnecting with her dear friend and fellow New Yorker Peppermint. Shea Coulee didn’t come to play, but came to slay on her minimal budget … and I didn’t even find that annoying, so she is good.
Next up Trinity Taylor, the most passionate plastic surgery advocate since Jocelyn Wilderstein arrived. Trinity is also the target of Eureka’s rage, on account of her besting her in every pageant they’ve competed together.
Continuing in the theme of pre-existing relationships, Farrah’s Vegas sister Kimora Blac arrived with her famous arse … and I can confirm that yes, Kimora Blac is everyone’s sexuality.
Not having a friend in the competition, Jaymes Mansfield BYOd and brought along a muppet which is potentially the second best non-contestant to appear in the queen’s entrances since Ornacia. If there have been any other non-people that entered, let me know in the comments and I’ll update the ranking.
Nina Bo’nina Brown worked Osama Bin Laden into the werk room, while dressed as a mouse so she is definitely my favourite. She was followed by Aja whose edges were snatched … but whose makeup was hella sloppy in Trinity’s opinion.
Rounding out the queens … hang on a minute, that isn’t Ronnie, that is Lady Gaga! Despite the fact that she made the queens name check my nemesis Derrick Barry and our relationship has always been contentious, I kind of loved Lady Gaga and appreciate the girls losing their shit.
Plus, it led to Eureka breaking her shade-spiral to break down and thank Gaga for being Gaga. Gaga then went gaga for the girls and drag. And once more, gaga.
Finally Mama Ru entered the werk room to welcome the latest queens to the competition and announce that no one would be leaving this week and that instead, they’d be competing in the Miss Charisma, Uniqueness Nerve and Talent pageant.
Since the season was filmed so long ago, I forgot all about this little twist … but thankfully, I had invited my girl – and season 4 victor – Sharon Needles over to watch the premiere with me while sitting in a pool of blood – because it isn’t a Drag Race premiere without blood – saying “hey baby” to each other like Caitlyn Jenner.
Given the fact she had a lot of offers for the premiere, Shaz – who I grew up with in Party City, where we belong – only agreed to attend my party (for two) if I whipped up her fave, my Sharonghai Noodles.
Quick, easy, slippery and fresh, this dish reminds Shaz of everything she loves about me.
Oh and to wrap-up this ru-cap, Farrah was whiny but endearingly so, Aja drops labels as often as Willam and Eureka hopefully will drop the vendetta against Trinity and continue to be likeable, since landing in the top-three over her.
Although maybe she will hold a grudge against Sasha and Nina, who both also slayed the mainstage and tied slash beat her respectively.
Side note, Nina for president. Zika or no Zika.
Other standouts were Shea’s passionate ode to a big weiner shoved between two buns and Trinity’s anal sun mural.
At the other end of the pack, Jaymes, Kimora and Aja should be thankful that the competition doesn’t start in earnest until next week – following the arrival of the not-well-hidden returning queen – as one of them was surely going home.
Why don’t you enjoy some Sharonghai Noodles while you wait for the arrival of the first eliminated queen, okkkrrr?
500g pork loin, cut into very thin strips
2 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp raw caster sugar
1 tbsp sesame oil
2 tbsp tamari
2 tsp oyster sauce
⅓ cup chicken stock
500g fresh egg noodles
500g wombok, trimmed and cut into thick-ish pieces
2 cloves garlic, minced
handful shiitake mushrooms, sliced
½ red capsicum, sliced
Combine one tablespoon of soy sauce, one tablespoon of caster sugar and the sesame oil in a bowl and toss through the pork. Cover and marinate in the fridge for an hour.
Combine the remaining sauces and sugar in a jud with the stock and leave to rest. Cook the noodles according to packet instructions, drain and leave to rest.
Once that is all sorted, heat a good lug of oil in a large pan or wok over medium-high heat. Add the cabbage, garlic, mushrooms and capsicum and stir-fry for about five minutes, or until softened. Transfer to a bowl to rest.
Add another lug of oil to the pan and stir-fry the pork for a couple of minutes, or until just cooked through. Return the veggies and add the noodles and sauce, and cook for a further few minutes.
Serve immediately and devour.