American

Dulce de Nick Lachey

Condiment, Dip, Sauce, Sweets

Remember in 2003 when Annelie and I took the world by storm as co-stars in the critically acclaimed reality series Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica?

Oh that’s right, we were edited out by the vengeful and aggressive Jessica Simpson for feeding her some of her most iconic lines to make her look stupid and undermine the legitimacy of the marriage (she actually has a PHD from Oxford and Annelie was trying to annul their marriage to get Nick all to herself, girl loves a boyband and the other Nick escaped from her basement).

While we have been embroiled in a private war with Jessica for the last decade (it has escalated to the point where she threw acid at Ben when they bumped into each other at Pump last year), our friendship with Nick and his dear, beautiful and superior second wife Vanessa couldn’t be stronger.

Nicky and Vanny were in town hoping to brainstorm ideas for a new reality format about finding the next 98 degrees, titled 39°C: So hot you’ve got a fever. It is essentially like every other reality show except it has likeable people with questionable talent.

We were so excited about our brilliant idea /  next venture, that I quickly whipped up a batch of our Dulce de Nick Lachey, which you just know was invented as a body caramel.

 

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This is literally the easiest thing in the world to make and instantly makes everything in your life better.

Enjoy!

 

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Dulce de Nick Lachey
Makes: 2 cups.

Ingredients
2 x 395g cans sweetened condensed milk

Method
Preheat oven to 220°C.

Place the condensed milk in a small baking dish and cover with a sheet of baking paper, pressing it directly on top of the condensed milk. Cover tightly with foil and place inside a large, deep baking tray so you can make a water bath. Fill the larger tray with boiling water, two-thirds up the side of the dish.

Cook for 1 ½  hours or until gold in colour. Pour the caramel into a large bowl and whisk until smooth.

Make sure you keep an eye on the water while it is cooking. If it dries out the caramel will burn and then, obviously, be ruined.

 

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BosTony Bennett Baked Beans

Main, Side, Snack

It is sometimes hard to go back from a series of vitriolic tweets calling for the blood of your octogenarian friend and his two-bit floozy of a duet partner using the insults 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Hagrid’s Nutsack and Supercalifragilisticexpialidickcheese (which in turn, inspired an episode of Veep), but somehow we seem to have mended another feud.

2011 was a rough time in our lives and we expected a duet, or triet, to reinvigorate our careers after a brief relapse with heroin and a scandal where we out-drank famed mess Lisa Newman at a political event in Queensland.

As we explained to Tony, his friendship with our nemesis Lady Gaga – who stole our idea to wear a meat dress – was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

We first met Tony in 1944 when we were drafted to the U.S. Army in the final stages of WWII, while I was running a scam to find myself the most strapping / biggest dish of a husband. While I failed and caused the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, Tony saw through our drama and befriended us and allowed us to ride his coattails to fame and fortune.

It was a beautiful friendship – dancing the foxtrot and the charleston with the coolest cats in Hollywood, a whirlwind stint addicted to cocaine (resulting in my regrettable and forgettable threesome with Frank Sinatra and Perry Como) and years being celebrated on the awards circuit.

And then along came old Germy-twatta …

We are ashamed of the way we lashed out at our dear friend but thankfully Tone realises that when pushing 90, it is futile to hold a grudge and has warmly embraced us back into the fold … on the condition that we have a sit down with Lady BlaBla. While the thought makes us physically sick, we will do it for Tones.

Given his age and our penchant for comfort food (and pants), we went with a nice big batch of BosTony Bennett Baked Beans.

 

BosTony Bennett Bakeds Beans_1

 

Nothing helps digestion and aids relieving yourself of gas (other than stretching to Diana Ross) quite like beans. Plus they are jam packed with fibre, protein and are low GI and in fat*, you know, the kind of shit oldies and oldies at heart love.

Enjoy!

 

BosTony Bennett Bakeds Beans_2

 

BosTony Bennett Baked Beans
Makes: 5-6 cups … but I am terrible at estimating quantities.

Ingredients
500g dried navy beans, soaked overnight in plenty of cold water
1 tbsp mustard powder
1 tbsp Dijon mustard
1/2 cup golden syrup
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 large onion, diced
6 rashers streaky bacon (smoked is good but that is just me)
3 bay leaves
2 x tins chopped tomatoes
1/4 cup red wine vinegar

Method
Drain and rinse beans. When you think they are rinsed thoroughly, rinse again, then place in a large saucepan, covering with water and bring to a slow boil. Reduce the heat and gently simmer gently over low heat for 45 minutes or until just tender (the actual cooking time will vary depending how good/old the beans are – it can take up to four hours for the beans to become tender). Drain the beans and set aside to cool.

In a small bowl, combine mustard powder, mustard (I have no idea why I mixed mustard powder and mustard, but they tasted good so who cares?), golden syrup and sugar to form a paste.

Preheat fan-forced oven to 140°C.

Add a good lug of olive oil to an ovenproof cast-iron, heavy lidded casserole dish. Add garlic, onion, bacon and bay leaves, cooking over medium heat for 5 minutes. Add tomatoes and mustard mixture and stir to combine.

Add the beans and stir. Place lid on, whack it in the oven and bake for 1½–2 hours or until beans are tender, stirring occasionally.

Remove from the oven and stir in the red wine vinegar. Cover and return to the oven for a further 30 minutes. Remove from the oven and season to taste. If they are too sweet, because lets be honest they can be, add another dash of vinegar to cut through.

* Oh and Ben literally has no idea, this is from Google Nutritionist. So yeah, don’t trust us!

 

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Cheeks to cheeks

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I am sick with nerves.

We have been feuding with Tony Bennett for the past four years after he chose to duet on The Lady is a Tramp with Lady Gaga over us – I mean, who is trampier than us?!

After purchasing their album last year to create a smear campaign / art installation, we realised that their collaboration wasn’t as horrid as we first thought and started to look for a way to mend our six-decade friendship.

It has taken eight months but we finally worked up the courage to apologise and Tony is graciously dropping by to reconnect. What says sorry for being offended you took up with that charlatan who may not be as bad as we first thought?

Picture source: Greg Allen / Invision / AP.

 

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Chicken ParmiGina Gershon

Main

Annelie and I pride ourselves on having our fingers on the pulse of everything celebrity, fame, entertainment and style, so you can imagine the shame we feel for not realising that a) Lifetime, the greatest film producer on the planet, made a movie about our dear friend Donatells and b) that our other dear friend Gina Gershon played her in said movie.

How on earth did we miss it?

Obviously Gina was hurt that we missed her Emmy-snubbed performance of a life…time and that we didn’t get her in touch with Telly for research, but thankfully our beautiful past and promise of some great collaborations quickly turned the visit around.

(We had to lie through our teeth about her appearance on Glee being good for her image, but you do what you’ve got to do to maintain a friendship).

Gina was very thankful she missed our Carnival Week celebrations (for peasants and hicks, she said). Being a Cali girl, she was loving the mild Brisbane winter and I must say, it really brought the best out of us creatively, both in dance (gotta be warm enough for midriffs and nipple tassels) and scripting (Magic Showgirls XXX is going to win Oscars, guaranteed – obviously if Elizabeth Berkley agrees to reprise Nomi and Annelie and I co-star as rival divas).

With such laborious and meaningful work being undertaken, a big, sentimental meal was required, so we opted for the Chicken ParmiGina Gershon. Funny story, we first made Giny the ParmiGina after getting into a brutal altercation with Jan Draboltchka on the set of Face/Off resulting in him literally losing his face, leading to a re-write of the script and a bump down to co-star for poor Gins.

She is pretty forgiving, but I guess that goes with the territory of being friends with us.

 

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Like Gina, we like our parmies to be smokin’, saucy and to leave you wanting more. We also like them to be liberal with the breast.

Enjoy!

 

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Chicken ParmiGina Gershon
Serves: 2-4, breast dependent.

Ingredients
2 large, skinless chicken breasts, halved through the middle
2 eggs
1 cup plain flour
¼ cup breadcrumbs
¼ cup polenta
2 tbsp parmesan, grated
1 tbsp olive oil
3 garlic cloves, crushed
2 cups passata
2 tsp dried oregano
8-12 slices smoked ham
small bunch fresh basil
125g ball mozzarella, sliced

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Beat eggs in a large(ish) bowl. In a second bowl, combine breadcrumbs, polenta and parmesan. Chuck the flour, or you know place it gently, in a third bowl.

Place the halved chicken breasts between cling film sheets and bash out with a rolling pin until they are about 1cm thick (don’t worry too much about this…mine generally end up looking pretty ugly anyway). Dip the fillet in flour, followed by the egg, then the breadcrumb/polenta/parmesan mix. Place in the oven to bake for 20-30 minutes, flipping halfway through.

Heat oil and cook garlic for 1 min, then tip in passata and oregano. Season, generously (even add a pinch of raw sugar if you want) and simmer for 5-10 minutes.

Remove chicken from the oven. Drizzle a thin layer of tomato sauce over the chicken, cover with a few slices of the ham, pour some more tomato sauce over the chicken, place a few basil leaves on top and covered with the sliced mozzarella. I then scatter some extra Parmesan for good measure but that is only because I love me some cheese. Return to the oven and bake for 5-10 minutes or until the sauce is bubbling and the cheese is melted and golden.

Serve with fries. Copious amounts of fries.

 

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Someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

It is a little known fact that some of the most seminal films of our time, were actually based on our lives.

We first met our friend and Jazz in Your Face member, Gina Gershon, on the set of one such film, Pretty in Pink – I used to make a living in Hollywood in the late 70s using my Janome to turn perfectly nice dresses into complete messes, although I did it ironically, as art.

Bonding over our love of sexualised dance, we formed a quick friendship with Giny and built our dance portfolio until we were noticed by the creators of Showgirls who wanted to make a film on our lives. You do not want to know how many flights of stairs were utilised to secure our fame.

Giny is in town wanting to work on some new routines for Jazz in Your Face with the hope it could lead to a reboot-crossover film between Showgirls and Magic Mike. What says let’s shake our groove things and get us show girls back on the road?

Picture source: DVT/Star Max/FilmMagic.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Candy Apple Spelling

Carnival Week, Dessert, Sweets

High society folk like us have many ways of making friends – some admittedly more glamorous than others. While I’d love to say Ben and I met our greatest gal-pals during our prep-school education at Chilton, we actually spent our teenage years at 267th best public school in the United States – Beverly Hills High.

It was on these sacred grounds that we first met the delightful Candy Marer, more commonly known as Candy Spelling. We spent our high school days generally sass-mouthing ugly children and behaving like a self-proclaimed mean girl clique. It was glorious, and Candy was our queen.

Fast-forward a few years and Ben and I were the most dazzling bridesmaids ever as Candy Marer became Candy Spelling. Aaron was quite the handsy fellow at the wedding, a handsy-ness we enjoyed and encouraged and would ultimately mark the demise of our great friendship with Candy.

After Aaron’s death in 2006, Candy turned to her closest BFFs for comfort only to find out that we were aggressively pursuing the estate for the contents of the wrapping room. While we obtained the most luxurious gift wrap supply known to man, our relationship with Candy was destroyed.

As it turns out, we really miss Candy and it is time to make amends. What says here is a sweetener to bring you back into our lives?

 

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After all, nothing says ‘I’m sorry’ like a piece of impaled fruit covered with jaw-breaking, blood red candy.

 

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Candy Apple Spelling
Serves: 6

Ingredients
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup glucose syrup
1-2 teaspoons red food colouring
6 medium granny smith apple
6 extra thick barbecue skewers

Method
Wash and dry the apples and firmly skewer through the core with a barbecue skewer. Line a tray with non-stick baking paper.

Combine water, sugar and glucose syrup in a saucepan. Cook over medium heat, without stirring for 20 minutes or until a candy thermometer registers 150 degrees celsius (hard crack stage). Add food colouring, tipping the saucepan gently to mix.

Working quickly, dip skewered apples into candy mixture until coated. Set aside on baking paper until firm and cool.

 

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Candice Burgern

Carnival Week, Main, Party Food

While most people fell in love with Candice Bergen as TV’s erstwhile queen, Murphy Brown, Annelie and I first met and befriended Candi on the set of her Oscar nominated turn in Starting Over where we were working as assistants to our close friend Jill Clayburgh.

We also got our friend Kevie Bacon a role but that is a story for another time.

We saw something special in Candi and she us, and it was only Candice who was able to mend the feud between Annelie and I on set after we realised the other was also sleeping with Burt Reynolds.

Candice was in town to commence work on a gritty-Murphy Brown reboot we envision on Netflix. While we are just in the planning stages, we know Sorkin is interested in finding a project to work on with us, so this could be the ticket.

Planning a future critically acclaimed reboot can be draining work, so we made sure to relax at the Ekka (Candi has always wanted to attend) and refuel with our famous Candice Burgern.

 

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While Australians are apparently terrible at making burgers, we would argue that Candice’s eponymous burger is a pretty simple classic elevated by a Shake Shack inspired sauce that packs a little kick.

Enjoy!

 

Candice Burgern_2

 

Candice Burgern
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 hamburger buns
500g beef mince
8 rashers shortcut bacon
8 slices of cheddar, from the block
2 tomatoes, sliced
spinach leaves, to taste
sliced gherkin, to taste

Sauce
½ cup mayonnaise
1 tbsp ketchup
1 tbsp mustard
1 dill pickle
¼ tsp garlic powder
¼ tsp paprika
Pinch cayenne pepper

Method
Place mince in a medium bowl, draining as much excess fluid as possible, and season generously with salt and pepper. Work the mince until it is coming together and form into four equal size patties. Place on a cling-lined plate and refrigerate for 30 mins to an hour.

While burgers are chilling, combine all sauce ingredients in a blender/food processor and work until smooth. Transfer to a small bowl, cover in cling and place in fridge until ready to use.

While the sauce is enjoying the company of the patties, get to work slicing your cheese, tomatoes, gherkin and washing the spinach leaves aka mise en place-ing like a boss.

Remove patties from the fridge and place a large frying pan over medium heat until it is warm. Slice buns in half and fry, face down, until lightly toasted. Transfer to a plate, repeating the process until they are all done.

Fry bacon rashers until crispy and cooked, turning mid-way through. Remove to a plate and keep warm.

Place patties in the fry pan and fry for 3-5 minutes before flipping. Once flipped, cover the cooked side of the patties with cheese and fry for a further 3-5 minutes. Remove the pan from heat.

Now to the annoying part, assembly! I always get anxious when putting burgers together as they have a tendency to fall apart, but this order seems to be less terrible than others I’ve done resulting in the top half sliding on to the floor.

Remove sauce from fridge and liberally coat. each side of the buns. Line the base with sliced tomato and top with spinach leaves. Carefully place the hot, cheesy patty on top of the spinach (this kind of wilts the spinach and helps it stay together), then the bacon and gherkin.

Then quickly close the burger and devour so that you can’t disprove my theory that this order builds a stable burger. Thanks!

Oh, obviously serve generously with freshly cooked fries.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

BanAnna Chlumsky Split

Carnival Week, Dessert, Party Food, Sweets

It is probably quite hard to comprehend, but there was once a time when Annelie and I were not on the A-List. I know, crazy.

We first met our friend Anna Chlumsky when we were all extras on Uncle Buck while we were just struggling child stars. Obviously smelling success, Annelie and I hitched our wagon to Macaulay Culkin and commenced a decade long struggle with sobriety as part of his entourage.

But now I’ve gone too far. Two years following our time working together on Uncle Buck, we were reunited on the set of My Girl and formed a close bond with Annie Chlum.

While she disapproved of our addiction and dealing, she was greatly appreciative of our vision quest inspired script re-writes killing off Mac and making her the star. Not to mention writing her the most heartbreaking moment of any movie ever (until that moment in Inside Outside, obviously).

While we wrote the script for My Girl 2, we briefly lost touch on account of our countless deportations and stints in rehab after we failed to snag our first Oscars. Thankfully fate found a way to keep us together and reunited us when we were hired to write aggressive, expletive ridden insults for Armando Iannucci’s scripts and have been extremely close ever since.

Anna thought it best to pop over and relax before the Emmy Awards and visit the Ekka, which she has heard so much about in Hollywood. (Plus, getting her picture with us in Brisbane is a sure way to snag last minute votes).

Wanting to take her back to the innocent(ish) time we shared on the My Girl sets we made our famous BanAnna Chlumsky Split, which was the only thing that could cheer her up after a harrowing day filming Thomas J’s funeral.

 

BanAnna Chlumsky Split_1

 

While splits are a pretty simple dessert to whip up, we were inspired by Magnolia Bakery’s famous Banana Pudding and found a way to make it, well, better.

We opt out of the ice cream and cream and instead go with the pudding mix two ways. Trust us, you will never go back. With that, we have kindly borrowed the recipe for the mix from Magnolia as there is no way we could ever top it.

Enjoy!

 

BanAnna Chlumsky Split_2

 

BanAnna Chlumsky Split
Serves: 4, with pudding leftover to boot.

Ingredients
4 bananas, peeled and sliced in half
¼ to ½ cup salted peanuts, roughly chopped
8 maraschino cherries
coconut oil, for frying

Pudding
1 ½ cups water
⅔ cup instant vanilla pudding mix
1 395g can sweetened condensed milk
3 cups heavy cream

Hot Fudge Sauce
⅔ cup double cream
½ cup Golden Syrup
⅓ cup dark brown sugar
¼ cup cocoa powder
¼ teaspoon sea salt
175g dark chocolate, chopped
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Method
Pudding
Mix together the water, pudding mix and condensed milk until smooth, and refrigerate for about four hours.

Four hours later, whip the double cream until soft peaks form. Fold the whipped cream into the pudding mixture in thirds, until well incorporated. Transfer half of the pudding mixture into an airtight container and freeze for about six hours, placing the remaining pudding back in the fridge. Covered with cling, obviously.

Hot Fudge Sauce
Bring the cream, syrup, sugar, cocoa, salt and half of the chocolate to boil in a small saucepan over medium-high heat. Reduce the heat to maintain a low simmer, and cook for five minutes, stirring occasionally.

Remove from the heat and stir in the remaining chocolate, butter, and vanilla extract, until smooth. Let to cool for 20 minutes.

(If you don’t use all of the fudge, which you probably won’t, store in an airtight container in the fridge for about a week).

Bananas and assembly
Preheat a griddle until nice and hot, and lightly oil the pan with coconut oil. While the pan in heating, removing the pudding from both the freezer and the fridge.

Place the banana halves on the hot pan, flat side down and fry for 1-2 minutes. Now, sometimes I ace the next part and other times I just shouldn’t bother. Using a flat spatula, flip the bananas and fry on the other side for a minute or until lightly caramelised. Repeat until all bananas are cooked.

Sometimes the banana gets soft, so don’t worry too much if you make a mess.

Now get to work on with the plating by placing two halves of the bananas in a bowl. Top with two or three generous scoops of the frozen pudding. Drizzle, again generously, with hot fudge sauce and scatter, you guessed it … generously, the peanuts on top.

Then top complete the majesty, dollop on a large scoop of the refrigerated pudding aka pudding, and top with a couple of maraschino cherries.

Devour, messily.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Snoop Daggywood Dogg

Carnival Week, Party Food, Snack

Ok, so full disclosure, we pretty much hate every aspect of a carnival aside from the food. I mean between the nature and the general public, it is terrifying. We are the people that inspired Eva Gabor’s character in Green Acres, after all.

We are more urban people, which coincidentally is where we first met our dear friend Snoop Dogg (slash Lion). Snoop shared a dealer, Nancy Botwin, with us back in the early 2000s when we were staunch supporters of MILF Weed.

As we were all crazy stoned, friendship quickly blossomed between us and were initiated into his gang after scoring him a role in Starsky & Hutch with our frenemy Stiller. We then went back in time to help him co-write his hit song Gin and Juice.

As most of our catch-ups involve having the munchies (and the fact that being stoned helps going to a carnival), we opted for a pre-Ekka meal of Snoop Daggywood Doggs.

Obviously we then stayed in and got crazy stoned and spun each other in circles. Such a better choice.

 

Snoop Daggywood Dogg_1

 

Crispy, crunchy and nothing close to something you’d consider healthy, these are best dipped generously in tomato sauce. If you’re wild, mustard is a bit of fun too.

Fun fact, the Snoop Daggywood Doggs are so delicious that they were the catalyst for the notorious gang fight / murder in ‘93. Thankfully our lawyer Johnnie Cochran was free to help Snoop out!

Enjoy!

 

Snoop Daggywood Dogg_2

 

Snoop Daggywood Dogg
Serves: 3 very stoned friends.

Ingredients
⅓ cup polenta
1 cup plain flour, plus extra for dusting
1 tsp bicarb soda
1 tsp baking powder
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
pinch of salt
2 tbsp caster sugar
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 ⅓ cups buttermilk
8 frankfurts
8 skewers
vegetable oil, to fry
tommy sauce and mustard, to serve

Method
Place polenta, flour, bicarb of soda, baking powder, cayenne pepper, sugar and ½ tsp salt in a bowl and stir to combine. Stir in egg, then, gradually stir in enough buttermilk to make a smooth, thick batter.

Fill a large saucepan one-third full with oil and heat over medium heat until a chunk of bread turns golden in about 10 seconds. Place extra flour in a shallow bowl and, working with one hot dog at a time, dust in flour, shaking off the excess, then, coat liberally in batter. Holding one end of the dog with tongs, gently drop into oil and fry for 3-5 minutes or until crisp and golden. You may need to turn them halfway through. Drain on paper towel.

Thread corn dogs onto skewers and serve immediately with tommy sauce and mustard.

For classic look, dip the tip in the tommy sauce.

The tip of the meat, obviously.

Meat as in the Snoop Daggywood Dogg, obviously.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

NCIBless

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Following our work preparing Mickey Rooney for his role in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Annelie and I became the go-to members of Hollywood’s elite for any guidance on appropriate representations of cultures and ethnicities in film, which lead to our first meeting with our dear best friend Linda Hunt.

It was 1982 and Linds was preparing to play the role of Billy Kwan in her acclaimed breakthrough performance in The Year of Living Dangerously, when our pal Mel suggested that we be brought on to coach her on representing a Chinese-Australian and help her with her dialect.

Friendship quickly blossomed during the arduous hours on set perfecting her Oscar winning performance and we eventually became best friends following an aggressive bar-fight with Sigs Weaver and her posse at the wrap party.

Linda has a late start for filming of the latest season of NCIS: LA and wanted to make the most of it and spend some time with her besties, so is dropping over for the week.

What says hey girlfriend, we miss you, love you and don’t know how you and LL survive working with Chris O’Donnell on the daily? He is just the worst.

Picture source: TVGuide.com.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.