Gin Fizz Ansari

Drink, Treat Yo' Self Week

Every Queen, like Retta and myself, must have a King and you can not celebrate Treat Yo’ Self Week without its’ King, our dear friend and kindred bling spirit, Aziz Ansari.

I first connected with Aziz when we travelled back in time to join the Parks writer’s room in 2009 where I became his pet project where he tried to make my unending confidence and love of pop culture and excess likeable – or in the likeness of Tom Haverford.

Aziz, bless him, didn’t realise how hard that task would be – what with my passion for feuding and acid throwing – but he was committed to the project and by 2012 had succeed in making me a barely functioning adult that was tolerated in society.

Following Aziz’s success in transforming my life, we had planned to take the self-improvement system/cult global and rip of millions of people however Aziz being Aziz, was too successful selling out The Garden, writing books and starring in a hit sitcom to continue with the scheme.

Oh, plus he is super nice and thought the cult aspects I was pushing were wrong. Whatevs.

Being renowned foodies, Aziz and I try to stay abreast of the best on the scene – fun fact, I was an integral part of the insemination of The Food Club, however was disbarred after I misunderstood the context of the word insemination. Thankfully is Aziz is such a champ that he never held it against me so we still catch-up to discuss the scene, generally over my renowned Gin Fizz Ansari.

 

Gin Fizz Ansari_1

 

I first took to Gin when I discovered it was the liquor of choice of all the best, depressive writers, and realised I was desperately in need of any and all help to hone my craft. Knowing this, I took my gin fizz –  all light, tart and refreshing – over to help while Aziz was writing his book and needless to say, he was a fan.

Boozing with the boys? Treat. Yo’. SELF.

 

Gin Fizz Ansari_2

 

Gin Fizz Ansari
Makes: 1

Ingredients
shot of gin (or two, no judgement)
15ml freshly squeezed lemon juice
pinch caster sugar
½ cup soda water
lemon slice, to serve

Method
Place gin, lemon juice, caster sugar and soda water in a cocktail shaker. Unlike the name and Bond’s preference stir, otherwise you may end up with an explosion and who can be bothered cleaning when you could be drinking?

Pour into a glass. Guzzle.

 

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Snickerdoodle Offerman

Snack, Sweets, Treat Yo' Self Week

Let me just start by saying that Nick Offerman is an American Hero and a Saint.

I first met Nick through his wife and on-screen ex-wife, Megan Mullally Tammy 2 – I first connected with Megsy on the set of her first credit in Risky Business where I was working as Tom Cruise’s fluffer (oh the humanity). Given our penchant for peen and love of smutty humour, we quickly became best friends and I acted as Maid of Dishonour at her wedding to Nick Offerman, American Hero.

As soon as Megs met Nick I knew he was the one for her and despite an unbridled jealousy that he wasn’t attracted to me, I was able to contain my pain, anger and arousal enough to become his pal and confidante.

After starring in a disturbing number of films with Sandra Bullock, Annelie and I became heavily involved in shaping his career, leading to him collaborating with Megsy and landing his breakout role playing my ideal man Ron Swanson. While we pushed him in the direction of Parks as part of our shameless attempt to stalk and befriend Amy Poehler, it truly was the role of he was born to play.

Nick was only able to drop in for a short visit, what with him coming back to Australia early next year, but he always makes time for his best friends particularly given our love of Treat Yo’ Self Week. Plus, a Snickerdoodle Offerman is a pretty good way to sweeten the deal.

 

Snickerdoodle Offerman_1

 

We first whipped up these sweet delights to celebrate Parks’  second season renewal in honour of Ron and the strapping man, our friend, who played him.

The richness of the dark muscovado sugar and the whisky is perfectly cut by the salty bacon, making for the perfect biscuit fit for a Pawnee Parks Director.

Whiskey bacon snickerdoodles? TREAT. YO’. SELF.

 

Snickerdoodle Offerman_2

 

Snickerdoodle Offerman
Makes: 24.

Ingredients
3 rashers streaky bacon
3 tbsps whiskey, preferably Lagavulin
⅓  cup + 2 tbsp dark muscovado sugar
1 ⅔  cups plain flour
½  tsp ground nutmeg
¾  tsp baking powder
½  tsp salt
½  cup butter, at room temperature
2 tbsp caster sugar
1 large egg
1 tbsp cinnamon

Method
Finely dice the bacon, emphasis on finely, and cook in a small frypan over medium heat until crispy. When crispy, add 2 tbsp of whiskey and 2 tbsp of the muscovado and cook off until sticky and glorious. Leave to cool for about an hour.

Preheat oven to 180C.

Sift the flour, nutmeg, baking powder and salt into a medium bowl.

In a large bowl, cream the butter with the ⅓ cup sugar in a stand mixer on medium until light in texture and caramelly in colour. With the mixer still running, beat in the egg and  remaining whiskey.

Reduce speed to low and slowly combine in dry ingredients and the sticky bacon goop until you have a smooth, coherent mixture.

Place the caster sugar and cinnamon in a large bowl and quickly mix around.

With your hands, pinch out a meatball sized piece of dough and roll into balls between the palms of your hands. Roll in the cinnamon-sugar mixture and place on a large lined baking sheet. Obviously repeating the process until they are all done. There may be some cinnamon sugar left, but leave that for later.

Place the cookies in the oven and bake for roughly 15 minutes, or until they are golden brown. Remove them from the oven and leave to rest for a minute.

I am a cinnamon fiend, so at this point I re-roll the hot snickerdoodles in the cinnamon sugar and transfer to cool on a wire rack. Or you know, just devour immediate and treat yo’ self to some third-degree mouth burns.

 

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Prettazels

Snack, Treat Yo' Self Week

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys – relax! Treat Yo’ Self Day is finally here again. Yep, that’s right everyone It’s Treat Yo’ Self Two-Thousand-Fifteen!

To mark such a wonderous occasion, we couldn’t look beyond a catch-up with the Queen of Treat Yo’ Self and in the future, the world, Re “Regal Meagle” tta.

I first befriended Retta online after joining together in a Twitter feud with Ashton Kutcher and connected in person on the Parks set when we travelled back in time to embed ourselves in the writer’s room to invent … the best day of the year!

Retta, like us, is a fan of the finer things in life and enjoys being a dominant force of awesomeness and as such, our bond was immediate as we owned the L.A. social scenes and feuded with and then befriended the Kardashians.

Retta has been quite busy since wrapping Parks and wanted to make the most of her time off from Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce (Andy, I know our relationship ended poorly but you know you want me to headline a Housewives series – Brisbane is pretty boozy) by relaxing with her closest friends and celebrating Treat Yo’ Self Week with our glorious, salty Prettazels.

 

Prettazels_1

 

Real, pretzels (you know, as genuine as one from a cart outside The Met can be) are literally the greatest thing in the world – pillowy on the inside, crisp on the outside and covered in salty, salty goodness that cures the blues of trudging through Time Square to avoid the paps on Fifth Ave.

One of the many lessons learnt from Seinfeld, is that Prettzels make you thirsty, so we made sure we had plenty of leftover Jimosas on hand.

Prettazels? Treat. Yo’. Self.

 

Prettazels_2

 

Prettazels
Makes: 6.

Ingredients
1 cup milk
7g dry yeast
3 tbsp packed light brown sugar
2 ¼ cups plain flour
30g butter, softened and diced
1 tsp fine salt
1 egg, beaten with a dash of milk
maldon salt flakes

Method
Warm the milk in a saucepan until it is roughly 50 C and pour into a large mixing bowl for a stand mixture. Sprinkle in the yeast and leave to bask in the warm milk bath for about 2 minutes before stirring in the brown sugar and 1 cup of the flour. Add the butter and stir into the mix. Add the remaining flour and the fine salt and knead in a stand mixer with dough hook for 3-5 minutes or until it is smooth yet a little bit sticky (who doesn’t love sticky buns – treat yo’ self). Shape into a ball and leave to prove, because don’t we all have something to prove, in a warm place, in a lightly oiled bowl and cover with cling wrap for about two to three hours.

While the dough is proving, preheat the oven to 220C.

Punch the dough back, in a non-aggressive manner, and divide into 6 pieces. Roll and stretch each piece with the palms of your hands into a 50cm(ish) rope shape before curling into a cirle shaping, knotting the ends over each other and pressing into the base (sorry, terrible description but just aim for a pretzel shape). I am pretty awful at the stretching process, so opted for a fatter more rustic style of pretzel, but there are videos showing you how to do it on YouTube that look like a Devo film-clip.

Place on a lined baking sheet and repeat the process until all the dough has been used. Brush with the egg wash and sprinkle generously with salt flakes. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Eat as is, or dip in a mustard mayo for ultimate treat!

 

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Jimosa O’Heir

Drink, Treat Yo' Self Week

I have to say, trying to decide which cast members of Parks to invite over for Treat Yo’ Self Week is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was, no exaggeration, my Sophie’s Choice. Thankfully we had already caught up with Adam Scott earlier in the year and always spend time with the Lowe’s in St Bart’s over Christmas, so they were out already but making the rest of the cuts hurt deeply.

After a bottle of Lagavulin and an hour of throwing acid at each other’s feet, we decided the only fair way to slice it was to catch up with those actors whose characters were paid, fully fledged workers of the Pawnee Parks Department during the first season – sorry Aubrey, Rashida and Chris, we’ll catch up at some point next year!

Despite playing Garry / Larry / Terry / Jerry Gergich, the worst person in the world, Jim O’Heir is hands down one of our top 1000 people in the world – we would rate him a solid B- if this was school!

We first connected with Jim in Chicago when we were all members of Second City, where I joined with him in trying to ban Annelie from the improv group (she was trying to woo Jim away from me). When Jim and I broke up in the early nineties, I reconnected with Annelie and moved to Hollywood to start a decade of addiction and swindling celebrities.

During that time we befriended the highly acclaimed David Spade and were on the set of his hit show Just Shoot Me! where we reconnected with Jim when he came in for a guest stint and reclaimed my heart on a casual basis.

With Parks now over, Jim wanted to take a nice long break down under (not a euphemism, I wish), so was our first choice to drop by and help us celebrate Treat Yo’ Self Week over a Jimosa O’Heir.

 

Jimosa O'Heir_1

 

While the Gergich clan are all about starting their day with eggs, bacon and toast, the O’Heir-Judd-Hailes clan are all about beginning the day, and this celebratory week, with booze.

Jimosa? Treat. Yo’. Self.

 

Jimosa O'Heir_2

 

Jimosa O’Heir
Serves: 3-4.

Ingredients
1 bottle of sparkling, preferably champagne … treat yo’ self
2-3 oranges

Method
Juice oranges.

Open bottle of sparkling.

Pour ¼ cup of orange juice in the bottom of each champagne flute.

Top with sparkling.

Drink.

Treat. Yo’. Self.

 

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The best day of the year

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Treat Yo' Self Week

As you would no doubt be aware (and if you’re not, thanks for the support but bye Felicia), this Tuesday we will be celebrating the best day of the year.

No, you have not been blackout drunk for two and a half months (Christmas isn’t a day, it is a season), we are of course referring to Treat Yo’ Self Day.

Annelie and I initially invented the day after watching the episode of Parks and Recreation, and jumping in the time machine, getting a job as staff writers of the acclaimed sitcom and pitching the idea moments before the actual genius.

How do we top fragrances, massages, fine leather goods and the shoes Jaden Smith wears in the soon to be green-lit Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch?

Oh, just you wait …

Picture source: NBC.

 

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Peih-Gee Lawsagne

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Poor sweet, scrappy Peih-Gee – just when she felt safe, our dear friend Abi-Maria (we met after getting kicked out of the same anger management course) flipped the game and orchestrated her blindside.

Let this be a warning to all of the remaining players, do not cross the Brazilian beauty … she will boot you!

We first met our (other) dear friend Peih-Gee while working as back-up dancers during Madonna’s performance at the 1998 MTV Music Awards (where I once again displayed twerking to the masses before Miley did). A fast bond was formed upon discovering that she was heiress to a jewellery dynasty, hoping she would go full Patty Hearst and help us rob the family business following a period of brainwashing.

While that didn’t happen, on account of her superior morals and strong will, she was kind enough to keep us blinged out with her superior jewellery designs.

Going into Second Chance, we felt that Peeg (as her closest friends call her) was well placed to succeed being a lone representative from a middle season however sadly our little firecracker Abi took an immediate dislike to our pocket rocket and she was doomed to join our other (loser) friends on the pre-jury vacay while we hung out in Ponderosa with their more successful peers.

While she was bummed to go out early, she was more than ready to leave the desolate Angkor beach and devour a hearty slice of our famed and noted Peih-Gee Lawsagne.

 

Peih-Gee Lawsagne_1

 

We first made her the Lawsagne while squatting at her San Franciscan home whilst Annelie was trying to destroy George Lucas for taking away her first love Mark Hamill and I was developing my Castro based, soon to be green-lit Andy Dick Broadway musical Little Whorphan Andy (Harvey Fierstein, give me a call).

Peeg had just returned from her crushing defeat in China (could you imagine how great a Peih-Gee / Courtney finals would have been?) to discover that we had sold most of her possessions and trashed her house – the only thing we could do to apologise, was feed her our delicious, delicious comfort food.

Enjoy!

 

Peih-Gee Lawsagne_2

 

Peih-Gee Lawsagne
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
1 cup Toni Basil pesto
1 cup green peas
400g ricotta cheese
1 egg
3/4 cup Parmesan
1/2 cup mozzarella
2 cups passata
1/2 cup cream
8-12 fresh lasagne sheets

Method
Heat a large saute pan and cook chicken mince until browned all over. Add cup of peas, cup of pesto and 1/2 cup of water. Cover and simmer for 5 minutes, or until peas are cooked.

While the chicken is cooking, mix together ricotta, egg, 1/4 cup Parmesan and season with salt and pepper. In another bowl, mix passata and cream.

Preheat oven to 180C. In a rectangular baking dish, spread 1/3 of passata mixture. Lay out lasagne sheets and top with a thin layer of ricotta mixture and chicken, and roll up from the short end. Place on top of passata mixture. Continue until all filling and lasagne sheets are used.

Top roll-ups with remaining sauce and sprinkle with remaining Parmesan and mozzarella. Bake for 35 minutes, or until lasagne noodles are soft enough to eat.

 

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Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins

Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Well this week’s visit sure provided us with some shocks! We were under the impression that Hilary was just making a quick trip over to discuss collaborating on a new album and/or to do a guest stint on Younger, but her real reason was far more telenovela.

Wait for it…Annelie and I are actually Duffs!

Yes, you read that correctly – Annelie and I are both long lost Duff siblings! I have always had an inkling that I was older than I thought, given my penchant for pre-5PM dinners, but I never thought for a second that I was Haylie Duff’s seven minutes younger and far prettier twin.

I was in smug shock thinking about how glorious our debut album as Up the Duffs’  would be (probably in stores next fall) that I almost fell off my chair when Hizza dropped the bomb that Annelie was not only a Duff, but Hilary’s twin.

Hilary was so pleased to have received an anonymous tip-off that her mother gave two of her children up, and even more so when she discovered that those children were her best friends and the writer/creators of Lizzie McGuire.

So excited that she even ignored the fact we sided with Stifler’s Mom in the violent and deadly A Cinderella Story feud … and poisoned Chad Michael Murray against her during our on set fling!

Oh and that time we got Haylie fired from 7th Heaven likening her to the second coming of Shannen Doherty so that I could sleep with Simon (we thought the show was a documentary and our alcoholism was blinding our judgement when Matt was clearly the superior son).

While Annelie eventually came clean that she gave Hizza the anonymous tip-off and that she falsified the DNA results, it was so nice reconnecting as family as opposed to friends over our Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins. I don’t know we will ever be able to tell her the truth (I wouldn’t anyway, that would ruin Annelie’s long-winded scam).

 

Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins_1

 

Like Hilary the muffins are a sweet, sugar coated delight but like her and Haylie’s respective twins they have enough spice to keep it interesting.

Or that is how we sold it to her – enjoy!

 

Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins_2

 

Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins
Makes: 8.

Ingredients
2 cups plain flour
4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
250g butter, melted
1 cup brown sugar
½ cup maple syrup
4 eggs
5 granny smith apples, finely diced
2 tsp ground cinnamon, extra
½ cup caster sugar

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Sift the flour, baking powder and cinnamon in a bowl to combine, before adding the butter, brown sugar, maple syrup, eggs and apple. Mix thoroughly to combine.

Divide the mixture evenly amongst 8 Texas muffin tins and bake for 20-25 minutes or until a skewer comes out clean.

Combine the extra cinnamon and caster sugar in a bowl.

Immediately remove the muffins from the tin and toss the cakes in the sugar. Cool and devour.

 

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This is what dreams are made of

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Good news!

Just got off the phone from our dear friend Hiz – no, not future POTUS Hiz, but the Hiz with one L aka Hilary Duff.

She was all like, “hey now, hey now! I need to come over for a catch-up, it has been so long.”

Obvs our answer was sure, please hurry. I mean, this is what dreams are made of!

What do me make for America’s sweetheart aka TV and film’s erstwhile Lizzie McGuire aka the greatest singer/actress to ever walk the planet?

Picture source: Matt Sayles/Invision/AP.

 

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Mirin Oskooi Salmon

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

It is truly lucky that Ben and I were able to comfort the devastated Shirin Oskooi after her very premature exit from Second Chance.

While many people think Ben and I only know Shirin given how extraordinarily well connected we are in the Survivor circles, the truth is we interned for her briefly at Google. Although we had been embedded in Google as spies to collect corporate secrets around Shirin’s prized Google calendar, we were both so technologically illiterate (apparently Google doesn’t accept sexual favours in lieu of intelligence) we were fired well before this was possible.

Luckily, Shirin thought we were both pretty ace on a personal level, and we’ve been catching up at the Burning Man festival ever since.

Shirin bolted out of the gates on Second Chance, and it seems as though her supreme wit and smarts was her downfall. The fact that she also turned her back on the somewhat erratic Abi-Maria likely didn’t help, as she lost her majority alliance to Deitzy’s undeniable charms.

What provides warm, tasty comfort without wreaking havoc on one’s undeniably fragile internal eco-system after subsisting on bugs and coconuts?

 

 

shirin

 

The Mirin Oskooi Salmon combines the health benefits of salmon with a fuck-load of sugar and mirin. A perfect balance of healthy and fuck you Abi and Terry.

 

shirin 2

 

Mirin Oskooi Salmon
Serves: 4

Ingredients
4 200g salmon fillets
1/4 cup mirin
1/3 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons honey
Thumb-size piece of ginger, finely grated

Method
Combine mirin, soy, sugar, honey and ginger in a large ziplock bag. Add salmon fillets and allow to marinate, refrigerated, for up to 2 hours.

Heat a large frypan with a small amount of oil. Add salmon, brushed with extra marinade, cooking for 2-3 minutes each side or until just cooked through.

Serve with steamed greens and rice.

 

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Risottis Redding

Main

I am so thankful that we successfully mastered time travel! Aside from the obvious information we get like the winning lotto numbers and who to bet on at the track on a boozy Wednesday afternoon, it is such a joy to be able to go back and reconnect with our friends that have passed … or to correct condiment catastrophes.

We first met dear Otis Redding while we were children singing in the Vineville Baptist Church choir. Otis is the first person to ever put us on the right path; Annelie and I joined the choir to get close enough to loot the collections after each service but young Otis caught us and instead of sending us to juvie, befriended us and tried to help us lead an honest life up until his untimely death (which inspired us to write the hit and then shit TV series LOST).

During our too-brief friendship, we were able to enjoy a highly successful writing partnership culminating in the hit some (Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay … which you know are not the lyrics I was suggesting while we were on a romantic working holiday in Sausalito.

Remembering the time fondly and wanting to stop Otis from getting on the plane, Annelie and I set the time machine to 1967, aka the beautiful time that we wrote the song. Obviously while there, we were also hoping to secure some Bay Area property to avoid being priced out by the tech boom, but it was mainly to see Ot.

Always the gentleman, it was such a thrill to see Otis again! Despite some annoying Hermione-with-the-time-turner logistical issues to start, we were able to talk down our past selves (by paying them off with future money to ultimately buy property. Yep, genius bribe idea) and spend some much need relaxation time with Ots.

He casually strummed his guitar (for once, this is not a euphemism) and put the finishing touches on his beautiful song while we got to work making his favourite meal Risottis Redding (with Annelie and I wishing the other wasn’t there ruining the romantic mood, and in her case, forcing me to cook in clothing).

 

Risottis Redding_1

 

Like our dearly departed friend, risotto is a homely, delicate dish with so many notes depending on how you make it. Risottis is a very simple version of the Italian classic, with a light mix of herbs and cheese creating a sweet base for the robust and salty prosciutto, topped with some leftover pork meatballs and pesto to give an added kick.

Enjoy!

 

Risottis Redding_2

 

Risottis Redding
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 ½ cups chicken stock
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
250g prosciutto
2 cups arborio rice
½ cup white wine
1 tsp salt
2 tbsp unsalted butter
½ cup grated parmesan cheese
black pepper, freshly ground
1 tbsp rosemary, finely chopped
½ batch Christopher Porken Meatballs
Toni Basil Pesto, to taste

Method
Bring the stock to boil in a large saucepan over medium heat and then reduce to a simmer.

Heat the oil in a large frying pan over medium heat and sauté the onion, garlic and prosciutto, stirring, until soft. About 5 minutes.

Pour the rice into the pan and cook, again stirring, for a further three minutes before adding the white wine and salt. Continue to stir until all of the wine has been absorbed. Add a cup of chicken stock and continue to stir vigorously as it absorbs. When it is almost all gone, add another cup and repeat the process until all of the stock is gone.

Reduce heat to low and stir in the butter, parmesan, pepper and rosemary. Season to taste.

Generously ladle into bowls and serve with freshly cooked meatballs and pesto.

 

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