Author: anneliehailes

Kevin SwissChardson

Backstreet's back give thanks!, Side

Second only to our love of reality TV is our love of all things Disney. It is a little known secret that Ben and I actually first met Kevin Richardson working at Disney World.

You see, Kevin was a character actor at the esteemed Walt Disney World (before they banned facial hair). And he was not just any character, he was Aladdin AND also appeared as several of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As you would know, Ben and I had previously failed to secure roles in the Lifetime straight to TV Turtles movie, with our nemesis Woo Hwang stealing the roles from under our noses.

In order to secure the coveted character parts, I was working on a machine that would ensure Kevin met a somewhat un-glamorous end. Meanwhile, Ben was moonlighting as the Little Mermaid in an attempt to get closer to Kevin and lure him into our creepy, dark and terrifying contraption. Kevin eventually took the bait, but instead of smashing his beautiful face into a million pieces he had a fantastic time. Yes – the ride now known as space mountain began as a covert mission to nix Kevsy Richardson.

Anyways, once Kevsy had experienced the thrill of space mountain, he was set on a path of enlightment and purpose. He was recruited into the Backstreet Boys shortly thereafter.

 

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For Thanksgiving, we wanted to transport Kevs back to his days as a caped green crusader. While it isn’t a pepperoni pizza, the Kevin SwissChardson is a verdant tribute to our mutual love of TMNT.

 

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Kevin SwissChardson
Serves: 4

Ingredients
1 large bunch swiss chard
2 tablespoons salted butter
4 tablespoons slivered almonds

Method
Using a sharp knife, carefully remove the stems of the chard and discard

Heat a frypan over medium heat and add butter. Once melted, add the chard and gently saute until just wilted and tender.

Mix through almonds and serve.

 

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Stew Hwang

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

When Woo Hwang was selected for a second chance, I was skeptical. He  made undeniably one of the worst final two picks in Survivor history, costing himself the million dollar win. Tony Vlachos, the winner of the season, was also massively unlikeable. So what does that say about our friend Woo? Nothing good, I’m afraid.

Naturally, watching Woo’s BvBvB failure was not the first time we’d crossed paths. Woo was auditioning with Ben and I for a lifetime backed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles telemovie. While Ben was flaunting his assets for the role of April, Woo was gunning for Leonardo. In a massive twist of fate, the casting agent was so impressed with Woo he snagged the role of April AND Splinter (Ben’s second choice) right out from underneath him. As you can imagine, there is a very long suffering grudge between the two.

To see Woo fail was massively rewarding in his first season, but I was really gunning for him in Cambodia. Despite not being one of my personal returnee choices, he seemed to really grow a backbone out there, even at the risk of copping an Abi-Maria coconut to the head.

How can we best comfort Woo for being voted out too soon?

 

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The Stew Hwang is the ultimate in sweet spicy comfort food. Slow cooked to tender perfection and served by the generous bowlful, this is the perfect non-alcoholic way to drown your sorrows.

 

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Stew Hwang
Serves: 8

Ingredients
1kg lean topside of beef, diced into 1-inch cubes
100g streaky bacon or lardons, roughly chopped
1 large brown onion, diced
4 small cloves garlic, crushed
2 cups red wine
3/4 cup plum jam
2 tablespoons minced chilli
2 400g cans diced tomatoes
2 cups beef stock
4 sprigs rosemary

Method
Preheat oven to 140°C. In a large cast iron Dutch oven, brown diced beef in batches and set aside.

In the same pan, brown lardons and onion until soft and aromatic. Add garlic and red wine and allow to simmer for five minutes or until liquid is reduced by a third.

Add jam, tomatoes, stock, chilli and rosemary. Cover with tight fitting lid and bake in oven for up to four hours, stirring hourly, until meat is very tender. Cook for final 30 minutes uncovered so sauce can reduce.

Serve with warm toasted bread or mashed potatoes.

 

We are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Monica Padilla Thai

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

While we were sad for Monica’s premature exit from second chances, it is always good to be in the company of kindred spirits.

Unsurprisingly, Monica and I both rely heavily on our exceptional looks and charm to get by in life. In our younger years, we went head to head in a college flirt-off. While Monica was shimmying, winking and pouting her way into the hearts and minds of many, my attempts were mistaken for an out-of-control epileptic episode.

While Monica may have won many years ago, I’ve been refining my technique in order to score the ultimate prize – Jeff McDreamy Dreamboat. Every post-second chances exit meal shared with our friends is another step closer to the Holy Probst (well unless Spencer’s experience being on the bottom gets in the way)! It is also a chance to bathe in the delicious irony that her love of the clam was ultimately her undoing.

How can we ensure Monica doesn’t win the great race to Probsty’s heart?  Carbs!

 

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The Monica Padilla Thai offers a delicious, spicy kick, comfortingly swaddled in an enormous pile of rice noodles.

 

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Monica Padilla Thai
Serves: 4

Ingredients
200g dried flat rice noodles
400g chicken breast, thinly sliced
2 eggs, beaten
100g bean sprouts
2 cloves minced garlic
2 tablespoons fish sauce
2 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon sesame oil
Juice of 1 lime
2 shallots, thinly sliced
1 red chilli, thinly sliced
Roasted chopped peanuts, to garnish

Method
Cook rice noodles as per packet directions and drain. Set aside.

In a hot pan, pour beaten eggs and cook until firm. Remove from pan and chop into small pieces.

Add chicken to the hot pan and stirfry until cooked through. Add garlic, fish sauce, lime juice, half of chilli, sesame oil and sugar and cook until combined.

Add noodles, egg and beansprouts and toss through chicken mixture. Serve garnished with chilli, shallots and roasted peanuts.

 

We are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Mirin Oskooi Salmon

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

It is truly lucky that Ben and I were able to comfort the devastated Shirin Oskooi after her very premature exit from Second Chance.

While many people think Ben and I only know Shirin given how extraordinarily well connected we are in the Survivor circles, the truth is we interned for her briefly at Google. Although we had been embedded in Google as spies to collect corporate secrets around Shirin’s prized Google calendar, we were both so technologically illiterate (apparently Google doesn’t accept sexual favours in lieu of intelligence) we were fired well before this was possible.

Luckily, Shirin thought we were both pretty ace on a personal level, and we’ve been catching up at the Burning Man festival ever since.

Shirin bolted out of the gates on Second Chance, and it seems as though her supreme wit and smarts was her downfall. The fact that she also turned her back on the somewhat erratic Abi-Maria likely didn’t help, as she lost her majority alliance to Deitzy’s undeniable charms.

What provides warm, tasty comfort without wreaking havoc on one’s undeniably fragile internal eco-system after subsisting on bugs and coconuts?

 

 

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The Mirin Oskooi Salmon combines the health benefits of salmon with a fuck-load of sugar and mirin. A perfect balance of healthy and fuck you Abi and Terry.

 

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Mirin Oskooi Salmon
Serves: 4

Ingredients
4 200g salmon fillets
1/4 cup mirin
1/3 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons honey
Thumb-size piece of ginger, finely grated

Method
Combine mirin, soy, sugar, honey and ginger in a large ziplock bag. Add salmon fillets and allow to marinate, refrigerated, for up to 2 hours.

Heat a large frypan with a small amount of oil. Add salmon, brushed with extra marinade, cooking for 2-3 minutes each side or until just cooked through.

Serve with steamed greens and rice.

 

We are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Andrew Turkeegan Leg

Carnival Week, Party Food

I’m ashamed to say Andrew Keegan is one of the few in hollywood that has managed to pull the wool over our eyes. Keegs contacted us while his fleeting career was spiralling into deeper irrelevance with an idea – we should join him and start a cult spiritual movement dedicated to Danny Tanner – Full Circle.

Andrew lured us in with a crimp and the next thing we know we had been given new identities – Uncle Jesse and Michelle Tanner, and became the guardians of the revered Full Circle parrot, Krishna.

Despite there being nothing Full House about this spiritual movement, we saw an opportunity to make some sly cash on the side. As a result of our entrepreneurial endeavours, were recently involved in Andrew’s legal troubles – Ben was technically in double-trouble (but not in an Olsen twins kind of way). Not only was he illegally importing SCOBY from Australia and selling it on to Full Circle, he was also representing Keegan in the media when it turned out his kombucha was more hooch than health tonic.

Obviously, our total ignorance of kombucha’s alcoholic potential (and total addiction to it) forced us back into rehab – but that is a story for another time.

Now that we are out, it is time to catch up with Keegs and do some duping of our own. While we can’t lure him in with a crimp, we can lure him in with delicious, delicious bacon and turkey.

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The Turkeegan* leg embodies the free-spirited world of Full Circle. Designed to be eaten on the run (from the cops or otherwise) it is the ideal comfort/carnie food to soothe Keeg’s soul.

*May or may not be impostor poultry. Suckaaaaaa Keegs!

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Andrew Turkeegan Leg
Serves: 4

Ingredients
4 turkey legs (or chicken, we won’t tell)
8-12 slices streaky bacon
1 cup hot sauce
4 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
Rice bran oil to fry

Method
Mix hot sauce, brown sugar and vinegar together. Coat the turkey legs and allow to marinate for at least three hours.

Preheat oven to 180 degrees celsius. Remove turkey legs from marinade. Wrap each turkey leg in 2-3 slices of streaky bacon, securing with toothpicks as you go.

Heat some rice bran oil in a hot pan. Thoroughly brown each turkey leg and place on a lined baking tray. Bake in hot oven for 30-45 minutes or until turkey leg is cooked through.

We are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Candy Apple Spelling

Carnival Week, Dessert, Sweets

High society folk like us have many ways of making friends – some admittedly more glamorous than others. While I’d love to say Ben and I met our greatest gal-pals during our prep-school education at Chilton, we actually spent our teenage years at 267th best public school in the United States – Beverly Hills High.

It was on these sacred grounds that we first met the delightful Candy Marer, more commonly known as Candy Spelling. We spent our high school days generally sass-mouthing ugly children and behaving like a self-proclaimed mean girl clique. It was glorious, and Candy was our queen.

Fast-forward a few years and Ben and I were the most dazzling bridesmaids ever as Candy Marer became Candy Spelling. Aaron was quite the handsy fellow at the wedding, a handsy-ness we enjoyed and encouraged and would ultimately mark the demise of our great friendship with Candy.

After Aaron’s death in 2006, Candy turned to her closest BFFs for comfort only to find out that we were aggressively pursuing the estate for the contents of the wrapping room. While we obtained the most luxurious gift wrap supply known to man, our relationship with Candy was destroyed.

As it turns out, we really miss Candy and it is time to make amends. What says here is a sweetener to bring you back into our lives?

 

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After all, nothing says ‘I’m sorry’ like a piece of impaled fruit covered with jaw-breaking, blood red candy.

 

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Candy Apple Spelling
Serves: 6

Ingredients
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup glucose syrup
1-2 teaspoons red food colouring
6 medium granny smith apple
6 extra thick barbecue skewers

Method
Wash and dry the apples and firmly skewer through the core with a barbecue skewer. Line a tray with non-stick baking paper.

Combine water, sugar and glucose syrup in a saucepan. Cook over medium heat, without stirring for 20 minutes or until a candy thermometer registers 150 degrees celsius (hard crack stage). Add food colouring, tipping the saucepan gently to mix.

Working quickly, dip skewered apples into candy mixture until coated. Set aside on baking paper until firm and cool.

 

We are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Mickey Rooney Cheese

Americana Week, Main

The year was 1962 and life was grand, except for the part where Mickey Rooney put a hit out on us.

Ben and I met Mickey in the late 1930s at the height of his Vaudeville days – as fellow Vaudevillians we bonded instantly. Our deep friendship allowed us to convince him to take the iconic role as Breakfast at Tiffany’s Mr Yunioshi, something he regretted but we certainly didn’t.

In addition to scouting roles for Mickey, we also managed his financial affairs, inevitably leading to his extraordinary bankruptcy in 1962. Look, we tried to tell him, Mickey – you need to lay off the alcohol, the burgers and the women – but he wouldn’t listen to his closest friends.

Time (and alcohol-riddled events) softened the rift between us, however it was only now that Ben and I decided to time-travel back to 2012 and make proper amends with our old friend.

Mickey Rooney is a true hollywood hero amongst us. Vanity Fair lauded him as the original hollywood trainwreck – something not even Ben and I have been able to top. After eight marriages (seven of which we split up), two bankruptcies and one yellow-face saga, his legacy is truly worthy of admiration. Farewell to you and your clusterfuck of a life, Mr Rooney.

 

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We needed to offer something simultaneously comforting and denture-appropriate. Something that went down well with a few cheeky beverages as we reminisced and cat-fought over days gone by. Mickey Rooney Cheese seemed the perfect option.

Also guys, as we are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Friendster, FriendFace, Myspace and YouFace coming soon.

 

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Mickey Rooney Cheese
Serves: 8

Ingredients
500g macaroni pasta
4 tablespoons butter
4 tablespoons flour
3 cups milk
1 cup cream
2 cups mixed grated cheese (we prefer cheddar, gruyere and parmesan)
2 tablespoons dijon mustard
200g stale sourdough, processed into crumbs
1/2 cup melted butter, extra

Method
Preheat oven to 180 degrees. Bring a large pot of salted water to the boil. Cook macaroni according to packet directions.

While macaroni is cooking, make a roux with butter and flour. Whisk in milk, cream and mustard and simmer until thickened. Add 1.5 cups cheese and season to taste. In a separate bowl, mix bread crumbs and additional butter.

Mix macaroni and cheese sauce together and pour into 8-cup capacity baking dish. Top with bread crumb mixture and sprinkle with 1/2 cup leftover cheese. Bake in hot oven for 20 minutes or until breadcrumbs are toasted and cheese is melted.

Empanada Stone

Main, Party Food, Snack

You know what is odd about our friendship with Emma Stone? We didn’t meet her in any kind of institution or other involuntary lock-up that normally leads to such beautiful friendships. Look, Ben did get locked up briefly after befriending two delightful old ducks from Washington and proceeding to get raucously drunk and heckle Emma during a performance of Cabaret – but Ben’s unceremonious turfing out wasn’t Emma’s fault. Despite taking out a restraining order against us, she clearly loved the fuss.

So how did we meet? Emma she had just finished filming Easy A and found that we had a mutual nemesis – the eternally smug-faced Penn Badgley. Penn attempted to steal Ben’s identity when he was majorly internet famous during the Great Moustache Cultivation of 2013. Let’s be honest, you don’t really need a reason to hate Penn Badgley, so having one was a bonus.

While our antics may have gotten Penn sectioned, Ben and I stayed out of involuntary confinement for a change – all in all a great success.

 

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Despite the Cabaret incident, Emma has fond memories of the days of sabotaging Penn. As she now has a vendetta against whoever cast her in Aloha, she wanted to come over for lunch and discuss a glorious new revenge plot. We needed a recipe that would work like our fool-proof schemes – soft and buttery and inviting on the outside, with a fiery inferno waiting within. It had to be Empanada Stones.

Also guys, as we are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Friendster, FriendFace, Myspace and YouFace coming soon.

 

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Empanada Stone
Serves: 16 empanadas

Ingredients
Dough
2.5 cups plain flour
150g butter, cold
1 teaspoon salt
1 large egg
1 tablespoon white vinegar
iced water, to bind

Filling
500g minced beef
2 eggs, hard boiled and cooled
100g chopped mixed olives
1 brown onion, finely diced
2 cloves garlic, crushed2 tablespoons tomato paste
1  cup beef stock
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon cumin
1 tablespoon dried oregano

Egg, additional for washing pastry

Method
Dough
Rub butter into sifted flour. Stir through egg and vinegar, and then add iced water until pastry binds. Knead gently until a disc is formed. Wrap in clingfilm and refrigerate for 30 mins.

Filling
Brown mince and soften onion in a large stove-top casserole dish. Add garlic, tomato paste and spices and cook until aromatic. Add stock and simmer for 30 minutes or until thick.

Stir through olives and chopped egg and allow mixture to cool to room temperature.

Assembly
Heat oven to 180 degrees C. Grease and line a large baking tray.

Roll out pastry to approximately 0.5cm thick and cut rounds of desired size. Fill with 2-3 tablespoons of mixture and press to seal, pressing with a fork along the sealed edge.Brush each empanada lightly with egg wash.

Bake 20-25 mins or until golden and crisp.

Aloha or (The Unexpected Virtue of Cultural Ignorance)

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Our famous friends always tell us that we make a great shoulder to cry on. With all the eyebrow raising and tut-tutting surrounding our old friend Emma Stone and her role in Cameron Crowe’s Aloha, we thought our friend might need just that.

While I have needed to work through my deep-seated resentment for Emma (who replaced me as Woody Allen’s latest muse), I do admit she has a fine set of pipes so we need to keep her on side for a possible Jazz In Your Face vocal cameo (we are totally making it back on Ellen).

What could we make that could soothe our ‘culturally confused’ friend?

Also guys, as we are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Friendster, FriendFace, Myspace and YouFace coming soon.

Picture source: marieclaire.com

CheeseKate Middleton

Dessert, Sweets

After spending years trying to bring down the Middleton clan through convincing Pippa to write a book/releasing James’ frat-boy nudes we were hoping some post-pregnancy pudge would finally give us the upper hand and get us into the Queen’s inner sanctum, where we belong.

It was truly disappointing to arrive at the Lindo wing only to find our friend Cath had already shed all the baby weight and waltzed herself home looking fresh-as-a-daisy less than 10 hours after birthing the delightful Princess Annelie Benita Diana Nigella Hilary Kate Winslet Vanilla Boring Pompous Traditional Blah Blah Blah. We had so hoped to arrive and capitalise on Cath’s pain and exhaustion through some kind of crazed cathartic release.

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Not to worry! With Cath coming home skinny and gorgeous, there is only one solution – stuff her full of the most calorie-dense, artery clogging food known to man. Better yet, shove her full of two of them in glorious synchronicity. Yes, we are talking about the muffin-top inducing cookie dough cheesecake.

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CheeseKate Middleton
Serves: 16

Ingredients
Cheesecake layer:
500g cream cheese, softened (we told Kate it was reduced fat but obvs wasn’t!)
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup powdered sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Base layer:
2 cups plain flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup caster sugar
1 cup dark brown sugar
180g butter, softened
1 cup mini chocolate chips

Method
Heat oven to 160C. Line and grease a rectangular brownie tray.

Beat together butter, caster sugar and brown sugar until pale and thick. Sift in flour, baking powder and salt and add chocolate chips. Mix until just combined and divide mixture into thirds.

Spoon two thirds of cookie mixture into the brownie tray and gently pat to form an even base. Bake for 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, beat cream cheese, vanilla and powdered sugar together until smooth. Stir in eggs and sour cream until combined.

Pour cheesecake mixture over cookie base and top with spoonfuls of remaining cookie dough. Bake for another 25-30 minutes or until cheesecake is set and cookie dough is golden.