Grammy Award Winner

Bernadaise Peters

Condiment, Sauce

The Oscars are just over a week away and it has had me thinking about the tragic fact that my dear, dear frenemy Bernadette Peters is yet to be nominated for one and as such, hasn’t been able to at least achieve nominations for each part of the EGOT.

To clarify, Bernie is solely classed as a frenemy on account of her supreme curls, while I am stuck with hair that most closely resembles singed pubes styled into a Ray Martin-esque dome-fro. But I have digressed …

I first met Bernie when we were both young ingenues treading the boards on the big white way, before white officially became the Oscars’ favourite colour. She went on to enjoy success in George M! with my nemesis Joel Grey and our friendship went quiet while I was busy working packing meat in the Meatpacking district during the time where both meanings of the term occurred in the area.

It wasn’t until a chance encounter in 1987 brought us back together and I joined her entourage during her run in Into the Woods, despite the lengthy, form-of-torture opening number.

Bernie was thrilled to catch up, still buzzing as she is from Mozart in the Jungle’s recent win at the Golden Globes – sadly I wasn’t there, due to my messy break-up with Gael in 2004. As she was at the Globes, she was able to provide me with some much needed industry goss to inform my Oscars betting. So knowing that her weakness lay in condiments, I quickly whipped up a nice big ol’ jug of my famed Bernadaise Peters to loosen her lips.

 

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With the perfect balance of sweetness and tang, bearnaise, and all members of the naise family, is the perfect condiment for a nice piece of steak, burgers … or as a drink, no judgement.

Now I don’t want to let too much slip, but don’t bet on Leo just yet – apparently Harvey Weinstein loves the loser Leo memes and will do anything to keep them coming.

Enjoy!

 

bernadaise-peters-2

 

Bernadaise Peters
Makes: 1(ish) cups.

Ingredients
3 egg yolks
2 tbsp champagne vinegar
250ml ghee, warmed
1 tbsp tarragon, chopped
salt
freshly ground black pepper

Method
Whisk the yolks and vinegar together over a double boiler until thick and fluffy. Slowly add the ghee, whisking continuously.

Add the tarragon and generously season.

Keep at room temperature until ready to serve … or, you know, drink up!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Tomatoni Braxton Relish

Condiment, Sauce

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it but I really dislike, nay hate, David Foster. I mean sure, he’s had to live under the tyranny of Yolanda’s lemon regime, but he truly is just the worst.

His music however, not so bad … when you aren’t forced around the piano at gunpoint after dinner. Then it is a new and particularly heinous form of torture.

Hang on, I’ve digressed before even beginning; the bad blood started with David after he got me booted from the producing team of my dear friend Toni Braxton’s signature hit Un-Break My Heart (fun fact, the hit and run wasn’t meant to be part of the film-clip).

I had been close friends with Toni for countless decades before, meeting through her mother in South Carolina where I trained to be a cosmetologist. Being overwhelmed by our burgeoning talents, Toni and I formed a life-bond over the shared experience of others’ lesser talent and society’s general mediocrity.

Sure, there was an ugly period after David’s nefarious scheme to boot me from the single after I didn’t let him grope me in the back of a car however Toni eventually saw him for a cad and all was forgiven.

Tones dropped by to help mend my feud with Tamar (she stole my role on DWTS) and discuss a potential collab between The Braxtons and I. Obviously the only thing that can help feed our souls is my famed Tomatoni Braxton Relish.

 

Tomatoni Braxton Relish-1

 

Some say that relish is a condiment but Tones and I would have to respectfully disagree. I mean, how else do you think we got voices like angels? Tart, sweet and spicy – this is everything you want a relish to be … for whatever meal you want it as.

Enjoy!

 

Tomatoni Braxton Relish-2

 

Tomatoni Braxton Relish
Makes: About 2 cups.

Ingredients
1 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tsp yellow mustard seeds
12 fresh curry leaves
1 onion, sliced
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 tsp ground turmeric
1 tsp ground coriander seeds
1 tsp ground black pepper
½ tsp ground cumin
2 whole cloves
1 cinnamon quill
2 dried bay leaves
1 cup muscovado sugar
1 cup apple cider vinegar
2 x 400g can whole tomatoes
salt, to taste

Method
Heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the mustard seeds and curry leaves and cook stirring until the mustard seeds start to pop. Add in the onion and garlic and cook, again stirring, until the onion starts to sweat before tossing through the spices and bay leaves, cooking for a further minute.

Stir through the brown sugar, apple cider vinegar and tomatoes, lower heat and reduce until thick and sticky. Season to taste and devour … or use as a condiment and store in a sterilised jar, if you’re an animal like that!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Chipotlenny Kravitz Chicken Burritos

Main

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny – oh how we love you Lenny!

While there was no offer of a seamstress position in his entourage, the fact that he just came down to catch up is just the sweetest! Plus, it proves that he is smart enough to realise we would sabotage his clothes for our own malfunction pleasure.

We first connected with Lenny via his then wife Lisa, who we worked with on The Cosby Show which led to Annelie and I being the maid of honour and best man at their ‘87 Vegas wedding.

The friendly chemistry between us and Lenny was immediate and we were instrumental in him securing his first record contract, with Annelie playing the role of his muse while I tried to find a loophole in his marriage to Lisa to further my career as a groupie.

Len has been so busy lately, with first two Hunger Games movies, his tenth album (which we also produced) and his furniture collection, it was so nice to see him take the time to relax and just hang with us.

We wanted something fun, hot, spicy and casual to set the mood of our date, that was also messy so we could see Len without his shirt – obviously that meant our Chipotlenny Kravitz Chicken Burritos were on the menu.

 

Chipotlenny Kravitz Chicken Burritos_1

 

We are Chipotle fiends and as they are sadly not in Australia, we’ve had to play around with the copycat recipes online to find something that works for us. The marinade is hot and smokey, which is beautifully countered by the zing of the guacamole and the freshness of the salsa.

I am not going to lie, this recipe is a lot of work … but Len is totally worth it. Plus, they are messy so it does become clothing optional – enjoy!

 

Chipotlenny Kravitz Chicken Burritos_2

 

Chipotlenny Kravitz Chicken Burritos
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
Corn tortillas
Sour Cream
Grated Cheese

Corn Salsa
1 cup sweet corn kernels
2 poblano chillies, finely diced
2 red chillies, finely diced
½ spanish onion, finely diced
⅓ cup coriander, finely chopped
1 tbsp lime juice
Salt and pepper, to taste

Salsa
1 large tomato, roughly diced
10g hot chilli powder
5g hot paprika
2 tbsp coriander
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp of lime juice
¼ cup red onion, quartered
1 tbsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1 tbsp hot chilli flakes

Guacamole
2 large hass avocados
½ jalapeño pepper, seeded, and diced
¼ of a red onion, finely diced
2 tbsp coriander, finely diced
¼ a lime, juiced
¼ tsp salt

Rice
1 tsp butter
2 tsp coriander, diced
⅔ cup brown rice
1 cup water
½  tsp salt
1 lime, juiced

Chipotle Chicken
200g can chipotle pepper in adobo sauce
1 tsp black pepper
2 tsp cumin powder
2 tbsp fresh oregano, chopped
6 cloves garlic
2 tsp salt
1 red onion, quartered
¼ cup oil (canola/vegetable/olive)
1kg chicken breasts

Method
Corn Salsa
Heat a lug of oil in a large skillet over medium heat, and fry the corn and diced chillies for a few minutes. Remove from the heat and add the other ingredients. Season to taste.

Salsa
Chuck all of the ingredients into a blender or food processor. Blitz. Leave to sit for an hour or two, covered, in the fridge to allow the flavours to develop.

Guacamole
Place all of the ingredients into a medium bowl and mash until smoothed. Season to taste and adjust accordingly. As you would be aware, we love to liquify our insides with hot food so advise leaving in the jalapeño seeds for an extra kick.

Rice
Heat butter in a medium, heavy-bottomed saucepan over low heat. Add the rice and lime juice, and stir for a minute before the adding water and salt. Bring to a rapid, vigorous boil. Once boiling, cover the pan and reduce heat to a simmer leave over low heat until rice is tender and the water is absorbed, about 25 minutes. I’d advise you start checking from 20, but I am highly impatient.

Chipotle Chicken
Place all of the ingredients (other than the chicken) in blender and puree until smooth.

Stab chicken with a metal skewer or fork and cover with the marinade. Place in a large bowl and refrigerate for at least one hour or overnight.

Heat a lug of oil to medium high in a large skillet and fry chicken, a few breasts at a time, for five-ish minutes each side. Remove from the heat and roughly chop into 1cm-ish chunky, shreds. Repeat until the chicken is all done and return to the pan with the remaining marinade and fry for a few minutes.

Serve heaped in wrapped warmed corn tortillas with any combination of elements and sour cream and grated cheese.

Obviously these recipes are based on those served in Chipotle and are a combination of those we’ve sourced online and tweaked over the years. Just, you know, full disclosure.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Bruce Springsteen Roll

Main, Party Food, Snack

There is nothing quite as joyous and beautiful as catching up with your best friend; while it has been about five years since we last saw Brucey, it felt like no time had passed at all!

After meeting Bruce aka Brucey, Steeny, Springo or pal, in school our bond seemed unbreakable, with he and Annelie touring the bar circuit of New Jersey while I did everything in my power to bring down their rivals via torrid affairs.

While I was successful in ruining many a career on the way to Bruce’s success (without Bruce knowing, he enjoyed competition), our relationship hit a rough patch in 1984 when he invited (then) two-bit floozy Courteney Cox (we are friends, now) up on stage during his film-clip for Dancing in the Dark.

As you would expect, I ran straight to the tabloids to punish him for this indiscretion resulting in an eight-year feud and a string of voodoo and/or arson attempts near the Jersey shorelines.

Wanting to make amends after a stint in rehab, as well as the completion of a court-ordered anger management course, I reached out to Bruce and once again became his muse … eventually leading to an Academy Award for the song The Streets of Philadelphia.

We pulled up to the airport to pick-up Bruce to see him standing out front looking all dreamy, like the cover of Born on the USA – I mean, we would have taken him home and fought to the death for him, even if he wasn’t our friend.

I don’t know what it is about reminiscing about school, but it is something that definitely needs liquor, which in turns means you need drinking snacks at the ready – obviously our delicious Bruce Springsteen Rolls made the menu!

 

Bruce Springsteen Roll_1

 

These little snacks pack the right amount of sweetness and spice and are the perfect accompaniment for an afternoon of being serenaded by your close friend over a beer.

Enjoy!

 

Bruce Springsteen Roll_2

 

Bruce Springsteen Roll
Serves: 50.

Ingredients
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 tsp sake
2 tbsp oyster sauce
freshly ground black pepper
1 tsp cornflour
2 tbsp cooking oil, aka anything with a low smoke-point
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 tsp grated fresh ginger
3 shallots, finely sliced
2 carrots, grated
½ head of chinese cabbage, shredded
1 red chilli, finely sliced
100g shitake mushrooms, finely sliced
500g chicken mince
50g vermicelli noodles, soaked in water and drained
3 tbsp toasted peanuts, crushed
1 tbsp five spice powder
50 spring roll wrappers, defrosted
extra cooking oil, for brushing

Method
Combine the soy, sake, oyster sauce, pepper and the teaspoon of cornflour in a measuring jug; leave aside.

Heat a large pan over high heat, adding in the oil and swirling when hot. Quickly add the shallots, garlic and ginger and toss for 30 seconds, taking care not to burn them. Stirring well, add in the carrots, cabbage, chilli and mushroom, before reducing the heat to medium-high. Stir fry the vegetables for 2 minutes, or until the carrots have softened.

Remove cooked vegetables to a dish and add the chicken mince to the pan, breaking up the meat as you brown it. When the chicken is done, add the soy liquid, noodles and vegetables to the pan and combine. Remove from heat and allow to cool. When cooled, drain out any liquid.

Preheat oven to 180C and line two baking sheets.

Open the packet of spring roll wrappers, covering with a just damp towel to prevent drying out. Pour some cold water into a glass for brushing.

Place a wrapper out on the bench, add a tablespoon of the mixture in the middle at one end in a cigar shape. Roll wrapper over to cover the filling, fold both sides in and roll the spring roll up (this video has another wrapping technique, if I make no sense). Brush with water and place on baking sheet, covering with another just damp cloth.

Repeat the process until you run out of wrappers or filling.

Once done, remove the cloth, brush all of the rolls with oil and bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Devour with your favourite condiment, trying to avoid flinging sriracha all over your kitchen when shaking the bottle. Unless these are for a Halloween party in which case, boom, instant bloodbath decoration!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Risottis Redding

Main

I am so thankful that we successfully mastered time travel! Aside from the obvious information we get like the winning lotto numbers and who to bet on at the track on a boozy Wednesday afternoon, it is such a joy to be able to go back and reconnect with our friends that have passed … or to correct condiment catastrophes.

We first met dear Otis Redding while we were children singing in the Vineville Baptist Church choir. Otis is the first person to ever put us on the right path; Annelie and I joined the choir to get close enough to loot the collections after each service but young Otis caught us and instead of sending us to juvie, befriended us and tried to help us lead an honest life up until his untimely death (which inspired us to write the hit and then shit TV series LOST).

During our too-brief friendship, we were able to enjoy a highly successful writing partnership culminating in the hit some (Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay … which you know are not the lyrics I was suggesting while we were on a romantic working holiday in Sausalito.

Remembering the time fondly and wanting to stop Otis from getting on the plane, Annelie and I set the time machine to 1967, aka the beautiful time that we wrote the song. Obviously while there, we were also hoping to secure some Bay Area property to avoid being priced out by the tech boom, but it was mainly to see Ot.

Always the gentleman, it was such a thrill to see Otis again! Despite some annoying Hermione-with-the-time-turner logistical issues to start, we were able to talk down our past selves (by paying them off with future money to ultimately buy property. Yep, genius bribe idea) and spend some much need relaxation time with Ots.

He casually strummed his guitar (for once, this is not a euphemism) and put the finishing touches on his beautiful song while we got to work making his favourite meal Risottis Redding (with Annelie and I wishing the other wasn’t there ruining the romantic mood, and in her case, forcing me to cook in clothing).

 

Risottis Redding_1

 

Like our dearly departed friend, risotto is a homely, delicate dish with so many notes depending on how you make it. Risottis is a very simple version of the Italian classic, with a light mix of herbs and cheese creating a sweet base for the robust and salty prosciutto, topped with some leftover pork meatballs and pesto to give an added kick.

Enjoy!

 

Risottis Redding_2

 

Risottis Redding
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 ½ cups chicken stock
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
250g prosciutto
2 cups arborio rice
½ cup white wine
1 tsp salt
2 tbsp unsalted butter
½ cup grated parmesan cheese
black pepper, freshly ground
1 tbsp rosemary, finely chopped
½ batch Christopher Porken Meatballs
Toni Basil Pesto, to taste

Method
Bring the stock to boil in a large saucepan over medium heat and then reduce to a simmer.

Heat the oil in a large frying pan over medium heat and sauté the onion, garlic and prosciutto, stirring, until soft. About 5 minutes.

Pour the rice into the pan and cook, again stirring, for a further three minutes before adding the white wine and salt. Continue to stir until all of the wine has been absorbed. Add a cup of chicken stock and continue to stir vigorously as it absorbs. When it is almost all gone, add another cup and repeat the process until all of the stock is gone.

Reduce heat to low and stir in the butter, parmesan, pepper and rosemary. Season to taste.

Generously ladle into bowls and serve with freshly cooked meatballs and pesto.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

BosTony Bennett Baked Beans

Main, Side, Snack

It is sometimes hard to go back from a series of vitriolic tweets calling for the blood of your octogenarian friend and his two-bit floozy of a duet partner using the insults 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Hagrid’s Nutsack and Supercalifragilisticexpialidickcheese (which in turn, inspired an episode of Veep), but somehow we seem to have mended another feud.

2011 was a rough time in our lives and we expected a duet, or triet, to reinvigorate our careers after a brief relapse with heroin and a scandal where we out-drank famed mess Lisa Newman at a political event in Queensland.

As we explained to Tony, his friendship with our nemesis Lady Gaga – who stole our idea to wear a meat dress – was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

We first met Tony in 1944 when we were drafted to the U.S. Army in the final stages of WWII, while I was running a scam to find myself the most strapping / biggest dish of a husband. While I failed and caused the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, Tony saw through our drama and befriended us and allowed us to ride his coattails to fame and fortune.

It was a beautiful friendship – dancing the foxtrot and the charleston with the coolest cats in Hollywood, a whirlwind stint addicted to cocaine (resulting in my regrettable and forgettable threesome with Frank Sinatra and Perry Como) and years being celebrated on the awards circuit.

And then along came old Germy-twatta …

We are ashamed of the way we lashed out at our dear friend but thankfully Tone realises that when pushing 90, it is futile to hold a grudge and has warmly embraced us back into the fold … on the condition that we have a sit down with Lady BlaBla. While the thought makes us physically sick, we will do it for Tones.

Given his age and our penchant for comfort food (and pants), we went with a nice big batch of BosTony Bennett Baked Beans.

 

BosTony Bennett Bakeds Beans_1

 

Nothing helps digestion and aids relieving yourself of gas (other than stretching to Diana Ross) quite like beans. Plus they are jam packed with fibre, protein and are low GI and in fat*, you know, the kind of shit oldies and oldies at heart love.

Enjoy!

 

BosTony Bennett Bakeds Beans_2

 

BosTony Bennett Baked Beans
Makes: 5-6 cups … but I am terrible at estimating quantities.

Ingredients
500g dried navy beans, soaked overnight in plenty of cold water
1 tbsp mustard powder
1 tbsp Dijon mustard
1/2 cup golden syrup
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 large onion, diced
6 rashers streaky bacon (smoked is good but that is just me)
3 bay leaves
2 x tins chopped tomatoes
1/4 cup red wine vinegar

Method
Drain and rinse beans. When you think they are rinsed thoroughly, rinse again, then place in a large saucepan, covering with water and bring to a slow boil. Reduce the heat and gently simmer gently over low heat for 45 minutes or until just tender (the actual cooking time will vary depending how good/old the beans are – it can take up to four hours for the beans to become tender). Drain the beans and set aside to cool.

In a small bowl, combine mustard powder, mustard (I have no idea why I mixed mustard powder and mustard, but they tasted good so who cares?), golden syrup and sugar to form a paste.

Preheat fan-forced oven to 140°C.

Add a good lug of olive oil to an ovenproof cast-iron, heavy lidded casserole dish. Add garlic, onion, bacon and bay leaves, cooking over medium heat for 5 minutes. Add tomatoes and mustard mixture and stir to combine.

Add the beans and stir. Place lid on, whack it in the oven and bake for 1½–2 hours or until beans are tender, stirring occasionally.

Remove from the oven and stir in the red wine vinegar. Cover and return to the oven for a further 30 minutes. Remove from the oven and season to taste. If they are too sweet, because lets be honest they can be, add another dash of vinegar to cut through.

* Oh and Ben literally has no idea, this is from Google Nutritionist. So yeah, don’t trust us!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Cheeks to cheeks

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I am sick with nerves.

We have been feuding with Tony Bennett for the past four years after he chose to duet on The Lady is a Tramp with Lady Gaga over us – I mean, who is trampier than us?!

After purchasing their album last year to create a smear campaign / art installation, we realised that their collaboration wasn’t as horrid as we first thought and started to look for a way to mend our six-decade friendship.

It has taken eight months but we finally worked up the courage to apologise and Tony is graciously dropping by to reconnect. What says sorry for being offended you took up with that charlatan who may not be as bad as we first thought?

Picture source: Greg Allen / Invision / AP.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Sweet Potaylor Swift Skins

Americana Week, Party Food, Side, Snack

We thought it best to start off Americana Week by dropping in with one of our closest all-American friends and who is more red…white and blue than dear Taylor Swift?

Like many of our relationships, we started off as Tay’s staunchest of enemies following an altercation at Chateau Marmont in the mid-00s.

We were all young when we first saw her, I close my eyes and the flashbacks start…we were living in Beverly Hills with Lisa Vanderpump at the time and were trying to grift Lindsay Lohan, who was staying at the Chateau when TayTay and her entourage stopped us in our tracks and defended Linds.

While it used to be bad blood between us (these songs were both written about us), the three of us now have nothing but mad love for one another after T-Swiz accepted our baked apology during one of our 12-step programs.

Little known fact, but we are actually the ones that got Tay and our Hollywood friends first hooked on baking!

We made a beeline for Taylor’s Beverly Hills cottage as soon as we landed and were greeted by a batch of cookies and freshly squeezed OJ. It goes without saying, but Ms Swift is a delightful, saint.

We spent the morning baking it (our jetlag) off, gossiping about what has been happening in Hollywood since we left (other than Jaime King erroneously snubbing Annelie and I for a co-Godparent role with Taylor) and how hilarious it is that people don’t know we went back in time to choreograph the aerobics video to Shake It Off as a laugh.

Our wider circle of friends dropped by for an early 4th of July party and at Tay’s request we whipped up a batch of our universally lauded Sweet Potaylor Swift Skins.

 

Sweet Potaylor Swift Skins_1

 

Regular potato skins are good, but if you want to really make them sing like Taylor, you’ve got to use sweet potato. The rich, sweetness is cut by sharp cheddar and a kick of chilli leaving a party in your mouth to which everyone is invited. Unlike our celebrity soirees.

Lucky we let you read about them!

Also guys, as we are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Friendster, FriendFace, Myspace and YouFace coming soon.

 

Sweet Potaylor Swift Skins_2

 

Sweet Potaylor Swift Skins
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
2-4 large sweet potatoes
6 rashers streaky bacon, diced
1 cup vintage cheddar, grated
4 shallots, finely sliced
hot sauce, to taste
pinch smoked paprika
chives, for serving
sour cream, for serving

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C. Thoroughly wash sweet potatoes and bake for 45 minutes to 1 hour, or until tender. Allow sweet potatoes to cool (leaving oven on).

Cook bacon in a small fry-pan for 5 minutes, or until crisp. Remove from heat.

Cut sweet potatoes into quarters, ensuring skin remains intact. Scoop out flesh, leaving roughly a 5mm layer of potato. If your potatoes are huge, cut them into smaller strips (like in the pictures) Place skins onto a baking tray, flesh-side down and bake for 5 minutes, or until golden. Turn over and bake for a further 5 minutes.

Sprinkle bacon, shallots and a dash of hot sauce into skins. Top with cheese and bake for 10-15 minutes, or until cheese is melted and golden.

Serve with sour cream , finely slice chives and a sprinkle of smoked paprika.