Cherries

Ivanna Drink

Drink, RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under, RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under 3, TV, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Drag Race Down Under the dolls took some erotic boudoir photos with the help of the Pit Crew. Obviously the resulting images ranged from smutty and trashy to sexy and camp, so it was a big win in my book. Ru then surprised them by announcing they were all  invited to Muriel’s Wedding, and that they’d be making their own outfits to attend. Out of the bedding they just brutalised. The outfits ranged from bad to worse, with Ivory and Rita bombing badly, while Ivanna’s well constructed dress landed her in the bottom three for being unlined and unsteamed. Which seemed harsh, comparatively. Isis meanwhile took out victory as a blushing bride, while Ivory and Rita lined up to lip sync for their lives. Only Ivory fainted and it got delayed. Though I did serve her up a little treat to help perk her back up and give her a fighting chance.

The next day after Ru swatted a fly – I assume the one that came for Flor episode 1 – Rita and Ivory took their places on the stage ready for the briefly delayed execution. And as soon as Murder on the Dancefloor kicked off, it was clear our Kiwi icon had no interest in going home. She was silly, sassy and a little slutty and while she looked like she bruised her coccyx on a split, there was no denying she was winning. So despite my culinary boost, poor Ivory was sent to sashay away. Though got paid for a third episode, like a damn icon.

The rest of the dolls were sitting in the Werk Room waiting to find out who was going home and while most of them felt Ivory wouldn’t be returning, Isis felt her redemption story could just be enough to save her. While Hollywould just wanted her to stick around so they could bond enough for her to give her one of her wigs. Ru then dropped by to confirm most of their suspicions, as Rita sashayed back into the competition. And to celebrate, this week they would be starring in an Ultimate Girls Trip reunion for the Fake Housewives of Down Under, hosted by Rhys. Which immediately filled sweet Rita with dread, given she is not an actress.

Thankfully though, she got to be a team captain – alongside Isis, as the winner of the previous challenge – so could surround herself with strong queens. Isis wisely selected Gabriella first, followed by Hollywould and Ivanna, while Rita went with Bumpa, Flor – against her wishes – and was left with Ashley. Though bless, Ashley was looking forward to proving them all wrong since nobody chose her.

After Ru departed, the groups split up to work through their outlines with Team Isis feeling super confident. Particularly Gabriella, who desperately wanted the role of Shazza but when Isis asked for it instead, she pointed out that she would slay any role and as such, she was happy to just take whatever was leftover. And oh god, she is going to slay, isn’t she? Even with the character with minimal screen time. The dolls turned their attention to the other team with everyone agreeing Flor struggles to pick up on jokes and as such, improv could be a problem for her. But TBH, I am confident she is going to be one of the stars of the team. And by one of, she will shine with Bumpa. While Rita wanted the housewife recently released from prison, given it reminds her of her family, she ultimately let it go to Bumpa and took the anchor piece. Which furthers my theory Bumpa will be unstoppable.

Team Isis were first up to set with Rhys, with Gabriella a star from start to finish, while Hollywould was bland and Ivanna was forgettable. Isis was kinda solid though? In Team Rita, Flor and Bumpa were completely demented from start to finish while Ashley took chewing up the scenery literally, chewing gum and not much else. And well, Rita’s fears were sadly realised as she bombed. Bad. Though to be fair, you’d probably describe both of the scenes that way. Producers, call me if you want an interesting acting challenge next year, ok? I mean, Gaybours is right there.

Elimination Day arrived with Gabriella admitting she is feeling rather confident about taking out the win, while Rita was pretty much at peace with lip syncing. Flor felt she well and truly did enough to be safe, while Bumpa was worried she didn’t do enough. Ivanna meanwhile split the difference, completely sure she did enough to be safe, while her sisters viewed her performance as bottom worthy. The dolls split up to beat their villainous mugs, cackling through it and just being all around delights, TBH.

Ru, Michelle and Rhys – thankfully still full of jokes – were joined on the panel by Adam Lambert as Rita kicked off the Bad Girls Gone Bad Runway looking perfect as a slutty, female Riff Raff. Bumpa served ancient queen of the damned, Flor was glorious as Ezma – iconic – Ashley gave glamour Catwoman, Ivanna gave a more basic Catwoman, Isis gave Gaga in AHS Hotel and well, it was perfection. Hollywould gave the upcycled version of Bumpa’s look and Gabriella was a stunning Harley Quinn, complete with roller skating.

Ashley and Hollywould were sent to safety before Rita was read for just being safe in the challenge, despite everyone agreeing both of her looks were stunning. Bumpa meanwhile was beloved for giving a demented yet grounded performance, Flor was praised for being absolutely bonkers, despite it annoying the shit out of Michelle. Oh and then Ru mistook her saying her villain was Ezma as It’s Mine, which had her cackling. So yeah, she is definitely safe. Ivanna meanwhile was read for being safe and forgettable in the challenge, while they loved her look but wished she gave some wig. Isis was loved for all that she did, while Gabriella was ditto ten fold, given she was the clear breakout of the episode.

Backstage Ashley was thrilled to be safe, while Hollywould was pressed given she was sure she was a top in the challenge and the best on the runway. As they speculated who would be lip syncing, the tops and bottoms rejoined them with Gabriella thrilled for her as-yet-unannounced-win, while everyone was shocked about Bumpa being in the top. Even Bumpa. Ashley was obviously pressed about it and confronted her, while Bumpa gave zero fucks, given they are both safe and just doesn’t care. Ivanna meanwhile was in her head, disappointed that she appears to be choking every time she is in front of the red light.

Ultimately Gabriella did take out the win before Bumpa, Flor and Isis were sent to safety, leaving Ivanna and Rita to battle for the final slot. And as soon as Glambert’s version of Holding Out for a Hero started, it was clear the dolls were down for a fight. Ivanna was fun and high energy while Rita was in the pocket the entire time, feeling all the emotion and hitting every letter. So despite bookending the episode in the bottom, she lived to fight another day as Ivanna was sent out the door. In eighth place. Just like Anita.

After she got off the phone to Anita, I pulled her in for a massive hug and assured her that like Anita, she left a mark on the competition. She was upbeat and fun, and frankly a little bit robbed in Week 2, which according to my calculations, almost makes her a robbed goddess and if you land in the middle of the pack, that is better than outstaying your welcome. While that was obviously a shitty peptalk, it seemed to do enough of a trick as Ivanna was giddily happy afterwards. Though maybe that had more to do with the round after round of Ivanna Drinks I served up?

Packing a glorious punch of tart raspberry and lime, this cocktail is the perfect refreshing drink for a warm spring afternoon. Or to drown your sorrows after having your dreams crushed in a reality competition series.

Enjoy!

Ivanna Drink
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
lime wedges and sea salt flakes, for rim
¾ cup frozen pitted cherries
½ cup bourbon
⅓ cup fresh lime juice
2 tbsp simple syrup
soda water, to top up

Method
Rub a lime wedge around the rim of two old fashioned glasses and dip with sea salt.

Pop the cherries, bourbon, lime juice and syrup in a blender, and blitz on high until cherries are completely blended and you’ve got a deep red drink. 

Ice the glass, pour over the cocktail and top with a dash of soda water. Then down.


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Cherry Jams Mansfield

Condiment, TV, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on All Stars fresh off her second win, Jimbo well and truly made it clear that she is the frontrunner. After the dolls kikied about the delightful Darienne’s (robbery) departure, post-bus throwing from Alexis. Sadly we didn’t get time to recover, however as the dolls were immediately thrown into the Snatch Game of Love with Matt Rogers and Brisbane’s Bowen Yang. The first group was a bit of a mess, with Kahanna bombing, Heidi reading her and Jaymes just riding above it as a sublime Jenny Coolidge. While the other panel was far better, it was still far and away Jimbo’s show with her iconic turn as Shirley Temple. As elimination day arrived, Kahanna confronted the soft and supple queen about making the experience harder for her. And while Jaymes rightly argued that is how Snatch Game is meant to be played, after Kandy joined the fray to ask why Heidi told Jimbo she was planning to eliminate her, things got very very heated. Leading to Heidi choosing to follow in Adore and DeLa’s footsteps and eliminate herself.

Alexis obviously started sobbing while everyone tried to pull things together for the runway, while Jimbo admitted to us that after hearing everything, the only person she feels she can trust anymore is herself.

Ru, Michelle and the hilarious Ross Mathews were joined by Las Cultalistas themselves Matt and Bowen from Brisbane, no doubt named after Bowen Hills which can be seen from the Birth Suites of RBWH where Bowen was born. But I digress with too much creepy information about Bowen’s nationality. Ru confirmed that Heidi had quit the competition, officially, before Jessica kicked off the Ruveal Yourself runway serving chicken to egg realness and ugh, I love it. Kahanna went from showgirl to nude, Jaymes went from a camp puppet to herself before rocking a little swimsuit and then underwear. And titties. Kandy went from housewife to vamp to sci-fi icon, Lala was stunning in a cloak to a regal bodysuit, Jimbo went from Adam to Eve and ugh, it was so good. I mean, she even popped her snake! Oh and then Alexis went witch penguin lady to sexy villainess.

Kandy and Lala were sent to safety before Jessica was praised for giving the perfect look but not enough personality. Oh and they loved the runway. Poor Kahanna was read for not bringing enough Coco to the Snatch Game and forgetting to throw out any jokes. Thankfully, her runway was stunning and they lived. Jaymes received universal praise for her Jennifer Coolidge, though was read for the runway not fitting right. Alexis too received all the love for her Bea Arthur, being on from start to finish and landing every joke. And for telling the iconic camp story of the witch from Into the Woods on the runway. And then Jimbo, obviously, was beloved for being so fucking demented and providing all the layers. In Snatch Game and the runway, so obviously she took out her third win in five weeks while Jessica and Kahanna found themselves in the bottom.

Backstage Kandy and Lala were thrilled to have survived Snatch Game, given how nervous they both were about the challenge. After sitting down, they discovered that Heidi had left a mirror message with Kandy in particular gagged by her shade. They then crunched the numbers realising they’d be going from 8 to 6 within the day – Kandy is the accountant, after all – before the tops and bottoms joined them. Kandy directed their attention to Heidi’s farewell message before Alexis reminded them that this isn’t her first struggle in the contest, and as such she is hardly shocked. Jimbo meanwhile said that she knows she is a threat – I mean, three wins in five weeks – so knows people would want her gone but she’d just rather everyone addressed it on camera, given it is what they signed on for.

Talk turned to the bottoms with everyone agreeing Jessica wouldn’t have been in the bottom if Heidi hadn’t quit. Even Kahanna, while I apparently am the only one that would beg to differ. But alas, they still had to kiki with Jimbo pulling Jessica aside and her reiterating that she doesn’t feel like she was that bad this week and as such, does not deserve to go home. Though Jimbo also knew that she was the bigger threat moving forward. Kahanna meanwhile told the dolls that she was so in her head in the challenge that she couldn’t have fun, but reminded them that she is a fighter. The dolls traded places with Jessica just calmly telling them she knows she deserves to stay, while Kahanna simply told Jimbo it felt right that she was in the bottom as she did the worst, right is right.

Oh and then Matt and Bowen – who was born in Brisbane, if you hadn’t heard – dropped by for a kiki and I love them like I love the dolls.

With that the dolls voted and Jimbo took her place on the mainstage as the iconic Jasmine Kennedie was revealed as this week’s victor. As Dula Peep’s Hallucinate kicked off Jasmine Jasmined though once again, Jimbo served a strong show, giving a wig reveal so seamless I gasped. But Jasmine was spinning and flipping into a split as she served sex and all the damn moves. So yeah, while Jimbo was strong, she kept her streak going 0 from 6 in lip syncs. With that she took her place at the back of the stage before Ru decided against eliminating anyone else tonight after Heidi’s quit and ugh, I love it. As does Kahanna, who backstage was gagged to learn that literally every queen had voted for her to go. Well, gagged but also fully ok with it, given she had been in the bottom before.

Jimbo meanwhile was thrilled to have dominated at Snatch Game and to take out her third win, though was starting to feel super embarrassed about the fact she just chokes in every lip sync. She started to break down, feeling like while she is a sickening performer, she isn’t cutting through when it counts. Though she also admitted that Heidi’s departure also got in her head. Kandy meanwhile was worried about people coming for her based on what Heidi said and while Alexis agreed it was dramatic, it is clear that Kandy saying what Heidi said she did wasn’t really a gag – I mean, no one is beating Jimbo, that is as clear as Jinkx and Sasha’s multiple crowns – but the fact she just wouldn’t cop to it which is odd. Making me feel like she isn’t lying.

The next day the dolls were shocked to see that all the Ru portraits had been removed from the wall and replaced with Mommy Dearest herself, Joan Crawford. And Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford, obvi. Which made sense after Ru dropped by to announce that for this week’s Maxi Challenge the dolls would be starring in Joan: The Unauthorised Rusical. Which honestly, werk. Each doll would be playing a different Joan from throughout her life with the dolls immediately sitting down to listen to the show to pick out their versions. Jaymes took Mommy Dearest, Lala got Mildred Pierce, Jimbo – duh – went Baby Jane, Kahanna snatched MGM queen, Alexis went don’t fuck with me fellas while Kandy refused to take anything but no wire hangers Joan, knowing she needs to slay, given she was almost eliminated in the rusical in Season 13. 

Sadly for her, Jessica also wanted the role and as such, the duo had to audition. Jessica couldn’t stay on beat however, as Kandy hit all the notes and well, she easily snatched it. Though she knew that also meant she desperately needed to prove herself.

The dolls caught up with Leland on the mainstage to record their vocals with Kahanna struggling to find a key – where is Mama when we need her – Jaymes was perfection from start to finish, Lala was an iconic raptress before going operatic, Kandy needed to add the character, Jimbo gave rocker and well, Jessica was a delight, which should be obvious, no? While Alexis appeared to struggle, I have a sneaking suspicion it is a fakeout. Leland traded out with Adam Shankman so the dolls could learn the choreography with Kahanna struggling with technique, despite having fun. Lala was all charm, Jaymes meanwhile couldn’t get the choreo but who cares when she is that much fun, Jessica gave all the drama and Alexis was polished as hell. Poor Jimbo, however, was stuck in her head while Kandy was in hers too and struggled.

Elimination Day arrived with everyone thrilled to turn the show, Alexis in particular as the token theatre kid. Kandy was ready to just cream her face as everyone got into their iconic Joan looks. Jimbo was nervous given she went home on her last ruscial, while Jaymes was confident given she was able to inject herself and comedy into the role. Alexis obviously was ready to serve character before Lala turned the attention to the upcoming Grace Jones runway, excited to be serving in honour of her inspiration. Oh and then the dolls realised that after tonight, there will only be six dolls remaining, leading to talk about how they will vote moving forward with everyone admitting track records are now less of a focus and how they go in the individual challenge will start to count more and more.

Ru, Michelle and TS were joined on the panel by Adam Shankman for the opening and closing of Joan: The Unauthorised Rusical. And ugh, it was perfect from start to finish. Kahanna was a stunning vixen, Jaymes was a menacing, camp delight, Kandy was a feisty pop diva, Jessica served full rocker drama, Lala was iconic from the voguing to the slapping on beat, Alexis had all the star quality as she dosey doed through the Pepsi years before Jimbo closed the show as a moody Baby Jane. And yeah, this is far and away the best rusical we’ve had in a while. On the Night of 1000 Grace Joneses runway, Kahanna gave a stunning showgirl version of her rosebud-rocker look, Jaymes slayed as the Little Edie version of her fox fur look, Kandy Muse gave Grace does dragometry, Jessica served purple princess in her hooded gown, Lala was stunning in the moon mask look, Alexis was gorgeous as the black hatted Grace while Jimbo was stunning in the smaller iconic black-hatted look.

Alexis and Jimbo were sent to safety – somehow for the former – before the judges praised everyone for nailing the rusical. Kahanna was read for lacking presence while hitting all the choreography, while they lived for her look. Jaymes’ performance was beloved despite missing some of the choreo, while the look was read for being ill-fitted. Kandy received wall-to-wall praise for the rusical and the runway, while Jessica was equally beloved for slaying the rusical though her look was only just loved, not beloved. And then Lala also received all the love, for nailing the rusical and slapping her way into our hearts, though her look was read as safe. Ultimately it was Kandy that took out victory while Kahanna and Jaymes, sadly, were up for elimination.

Backstage Jimbo was on cloud nine to be safe given she went home during the UK vs The World rusical. Alexis meanwhile was rightly feeling a little disappointed given she did that in both the challenge and the runway, before she praised Grace for being an icon. Talk turned to who would be in the top with them agreeing Lala, Kandy and Jessica were clearly the top, meaning Jaymes and Kahanna must be forming the bottom. Despite doing well at one thing each. The tops and bottoms joined them to confirm they were right about placements, with Kandy being the one to take out the ultimate win. Kahanna was in her feels to have bottomed once again, crying as she told the girls she simply felt defeated.

Kandy pulled her in for a hug before pulling her aside to talk about how tough it is to win when one of her besties is in the bottom. Kahanna opened up about feeling like this is a challenge she thought she was good at and as such, it is super disappointing to be in the bottom. Jaymes meanwhile was telling the other dolls that she felt she does well in the challenge each and every week and as such, doesn’t feel it is time for her to go. Trading places, Jaymes told Kandy that while Kahanna has had a win she has also bottomed more and then heaped Kandy with praise as she asked her to ignore her friendship and instead vote on who has been doing the best all around. After Jimbo nearly fell while reclining on the edge of the couch, Adam dropped by to praise the queens and while Alexis didn’t get the flowers she deserved, she was thrilled to geek out with a hero and I’m so happy for her.

With that the dolls voted before Kandy took her spot on the mainstage before Angeria was revealed as her lip sync assassin. As soon as Grace’s I’m Not Perfect but I’m Perfect for You kicked off, both dolls gave us the drama however it was clearly Kandy’s show as she served all the sex. Which was enough for her to take out the win, the $30K cash tip and the chance to eliminate, tragically, the iconic Jaymes Mansfield.

In my opinion, for being the bigger threat, which is what I told her as she found me backstage. Which wasn’t hard as I was scream-sobbing in an aggressively shrill manner. Once found, she pulled me off the floor and pulled me into her ample bosom – only just more ample than her meaty tuck – and told me how grateful she is for my support. You see, when she went home first on a damn cheerleading challenge, I was equally irate and promised her that should she return, All Stars seasons play to her strengths and as such, I knew she would slay. And she kept that in her head throughout the competition as she, like Angela Bassett before her, did the thing. Which was more than worthy of being celebrated with a jam, this time Cherry Jams Mansfield.

There is something so rich and moody about cherry jam. The tart nature of cherries is perfect in the sickly sweet embrace of a jam, balancing with ease and leaving you with a preserve that has you wanting more and more.

Enjoy!

Cherry Jams Mansfield
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
2kg cherries, pitted
1kg raw caster sugar
1 lemon, zested and juiced

Method
Combine the cherries and sugar in a large saucepan, stir to combine, cover and leave to rest for three hours.

Once they are well and truly infused, add the zest and juice and pop the saucepan over medium heat. Cook, stirring occasionally, for an hour and a half, or until thickening and glossy.

While still hot, ladle into sterilised jars and leave to cool before sealing. Or you know, spreading straight on a scone or some toast and devouring.


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Hazeleynut Leake Bark

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Heroes V Villains, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor despite having the worst luck of the entire cast – including Jackie, who literally injured herself in the first challenge and was evacuated – Simon somehow managed to snatch himself a car and ugh, he was loving it. As was I, given he has become so hapless you can’t help but root for him. After being invited on his celebratory reward, Hayley outed George’s $60K win at the auction to Simon, Nina and a very loyal Matt. And she was ready to destroy George at the earliest opportunity. While he was back at camp dressing as Shonee to win back Liz. After Nina became the first Twine to win individual immunity, George set his sights on finally putting Simon out of his misery. That is until Hayley told him to split the vote, allow her to protect her little puppy for another round and send Shaun from the game.

On the way back to camp George was seething about Nina flipping on him, telling Hayley his reads are spot on and that he will get rid of her ASAP as revenge. While Hayley praised him for his skillful reads, knowing how wrong they were. She on the other hand was nervous about getting to the end without moves, so wanted to get a big scalp on her resume, though didn’t want to appear like she screwed everyone to get there. After George berated Nina for flipping, she continued to deny it before pulling Hayley aside to praise her for the move and assuring her that whatever she says won’t change his mind, so Hayley at least is all good. And well, if she goes next, it is another name Hayley can claim. In reality though, she wanted revenge against Hayley – who she thinks is actually in control – and as such, got to work turning George against Hayley. She pulled him aside and told him that Hayley told her about the $60K he won at the auction and that he best beware, leading to a rare moment of humility where the king apologised.

Oh and then he pulled Liz aside to let her know that Hayley is out for him, so everyone needs to turn on her. Which apparently is logic.

The next day George was still filled with rage against Hayley, though tried to pretend he wasn’t aware she was after him. Simon meanwhile proved himself to be quite aware, thanking Hayley for saving him while she just wanted him to realise she actually wants him around. George meanwhile was catching up with Liz to talk more shit about Hayley under the guise of being worried about Matt, while he admitted that Hayley took the real world into the game and as such, he needed to get rid of her ASAP.

The tribe joined JLP in the jungle for an epic challenge for an overnight spa reward where all they would have to do is build a tower using blocks while standing on a balance beam. TBH, it was a pretty straight forward challenge with Hayley, Simon and Liz all powering along until the girls dropped out of nowhere, followed by Simon, opening things up again. It went back and forth as the wind picked up and screwed each and every one of them until Queen Liz got her eye in and scored herself the reward. Jonathan obviously let her choose someone to come with, selecting George since they still had drama to work through before Liz chose girl power, dooming Hayley and giving Princess Nina some glam time.

The trio arrived at the spa, delighted to smash all the food in sight while Liz assured us the duo were only invited to reward to get her to the end and not because she likes them. As Nina questioned how she could pay her back for the kindness, Liz promised she had a few different ways. Talk turned to the game with the trio strong in the fact they want to get to the end together, with Hayley their first target. Oh and then George modelled his buff skirt and showed off his foreskin, and again, my basement is far more flooded than it should be. They then shaved off, getting their stories straight for Hayley and while I want to warn her, maybe she should have turned on George rather than Shonee last week. But whatever, I’m not bitter.

Back at camp meanwhile Simon and Hayley were nervous about the trio on reward and how it could impact their games. Hayley was obviously nervous for her own longevity, while Simon was concerned about getting George out. Annoying Hayley, given Gerry and Matt are clearly in his pocket and that is near impossible. Matt, bless him, asked Simon to explain why getting rid of George is best for them, with Simon clearly articulating that George is a threat to everyone and as such, they all at least need to try to open things up for themselves. While Matt agreed George is definitely more likely to win, he reiterated that now is just not the right time for him to make a move. That night Simon got creative in his pursuit of securing some power, emptying out half the rice so that everyone would be fatigued so he had a better shot at the immunity challenge. And while, sure, that makes sense, why, Simon? That could easily backfire on you.

Over at the spa, the trio woke up early the next morning to work through their stories ahead of blindsiding Hayley, should she not win immunity. While back at camp Simon was nourished for the challenge ahead while everyone else complained about being starving. Speaking of said challenge, the tribe reconnected by the beach where they would race to build a fire in a drum and then fill a hole riddled bucket with water from the ocean to raise it until it burns through a flag. Matt and Haley were first to get flames, before Hayley’s just as quickly went out. Simon then got to work on his fire as Matt got to work filling his drum, confident in the fire’s strength. As Simon made a break, Liz decided to abandon her own chances and opted to help Matt to raise his flag and while she well and truly helped, his fire was a bit of a bust as Simon closed the gap and snatched immunity just ahead of Matt. Which feels poetic as a newfound Simon stan, TBH.

Back at camp George was thrilled by Simon taking out immunity, ready to blindside Hayley. Given her passion for a split, George was ready to tell her to split the vote on Liz and Nina, when in actuality, the vote was against her. Liz meanwhile filled Gerry in on the plan before dropping by George and Hayley to pretend she was super annoyed by George and Nina for ruining her reward. As Nina scurried around pretending to look for an idol to sell the story, Hayley realised that they could in fact blindside George if she, Nina and Simon worked together. And well, can they pull this off? Because I love it. Hayley pretended to follow Nina idol hunting, floating the idea with her and just like that, Nina holds all the power to decide who goes home between the King and Queen. Oh and then the duo caught up, assuring each other they are in it to the end, while both dropped some secretive hints that they’re about to get rid of each other.

At tribal council Liz spoke about her spa being a transformative experience, allowing her to reset and refocus on the task at hand. She admitted she invited George to clear the air, while she simply wanted to block Nina from finding an idol. Nina meanwhile played her part dutifully, pointing out George was out to get her after the previous tribal council before George warned everyone that they need to be careful about making a move, because if they bomb, they are next on his hit list. Oh and he just wants people to own their moves, rather than hide in the shadows. Liz spoke about being comfortable with those left behind at camp, while Simon was just desperately trying to find friends, despite the fact people clearly don’t want to work with him. Ever.

Gerry meanwhile just wasn’t interested in hearing anyone’s plans as he is comfortable with his place in the game. While Simon was grateful to be immune, he doesn’t have power and as such, he needs people to be willing to work with him. Like Nina, who is clearly tonight’s target. George argued it is a balance of finding people that want to work with you, though also having friendships. Hayley pointed out that friendships and alliances are different, agreeing that she prioritises alliances while George was hoping to ride his alliance all the way to the end of the game. And as such, is wanting to target people that go rogue and punish them for deviating from his plan. Essentially. Hayley meanwhile planned to vote out someone she doesn’t want to see at the end, while Liz was focused on getting rid of a silent threat.

With that the tribe voted as Queen Hayley was blindsided from the game, holding her head high as she congratulated them on a killer move. Wishing and hoping that exile would not be around to save her again. As she arrived at the Jury Villa, I pulled her in for a massive hug and praised her for proving herself to be the most skillful winner to return to the game. In Australia, at least. Despite being the biggest target on her tribe, she managed to lay low and work her way into a position of power until she reunited with George. Which should have been something both tribes were nervous about, since when they did come back together they dominated and made it deep. Sadly though, George wasn’t interested in losing a second time and as such, had to dethrone the queen. So to dull the pain, I toasted her run with a delicious Hazeleynut Leake Bark.

There is nothing quite like a chocolate bark and while this one is rather simple, it is super tasty and oh so good. A little bit nutella-y, a little fruit and nut, it is the perfect gift to congratulate your bestie, or cheer you up when you need to eat your feelings.

Enjoy!

Hazeleynut Leake Bark
Serves: 2 queens.

Ingredients
200g milk chocolate
¼ cup dried cherries
1 ½ tsp kosher salt
¾ cup toasted hazelnuts, roughly chopped

Method
Melt the chocolate in a double boiler until shiny and smooth. Fold through the dried cherries and salt and pour out on a lined baking sheet before sprinkling with the hazelnuts.

Transfer to the freezer to set for an hour before breaking into shards and packaging. Or devouring.


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Karla Cruz Godoy Rogers

Drink, Survivor, Survivor 43, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor the top six faced off for reward where Owen led himself, Karla and Cody to victory for a much needed pep in the form of coffee and pastries. Sadly for them, while enjoying said spoils, the losers were back at camp where Gabler was calmly pointing out both Cassidy and Jesse need to take out their closest allies if they want a shot at winning. After Cassidy took out immunity, it became a battle for the duo to make their allies the target. The initial plan revolved around getting Karla out by lulling her into holding on to her idol, though eventually it landed on Jesse playing Cody’s idol to spook Karla into burning hers while everyone else blindsided Cody himself. Which happened and was oh so brutal. But oh so glorious to watch.

The next day Jesse was still thrilled that his plan went perfectly, blindsiding Cody and flushing Karla’s idol in a delightful show for the jury. That being said, he and the rest of the final five awoke on a new beach and had to start everything from scratch and well, that is just exhausting. So win some and lose some, I guess. Gabler was confident in his chances of taking out the win given he has been hiding in plain sight all season. Owen was shocked to have made it to the end, despite starting on the absolute bottom and being blindsided over and over. Jesse knew he now had a massive target on his back, while Cassidy was proud of having voted perfectly all game, though knew that she needed a big move to take out victory. While Karla was just grateful to still be alive given her body is straight up shutting down. But trust, our Queen is ready to FIGHT.

As the final five hunted for food in the jungle, they stumbled upon a clue each for the final advantage. They would have to unscramble words for directions to the phrase, with Cassidy just focused on making sure that Karla is not the one to get it given booting her will be her big move. Jesse meanwhile knew nobody intended to take him to the end and as such, was just as desperate. Despite Owen whipping through the phrase, Karla was the first to solve it and ran off to find it. Sadly for her, he ended up hot on her trail and overtook her as she limped to the rocks, before realising it had to be hidden in a tree. As the other trio struggled with the phrase, Karla and Owen hunted through trees with Queen Karla snatching it just ahead of Owen. Like, by a matter of centimetres.

Which obviously pissed him off. Karla meanwhile was obviously giddy as she learnt that the advantage would give her a leg up in the next immunity challenge. And given she is so beat up, this is an advantage she truly needs.

Right on cue Jeffrey appeared for said immunity challenge where the final five would race a buoy through a series of obstacles before walking blocks over a balance beam between two rods and then solve a word puzzle. Oh and in addition to immunity, they would get an epic steak reward. And since Karla won the advantage, she would only have to carry two thirds of her blocks to the puzzle table which is arguably a huge advantage, not a slight one. Everyone was neck and neck with the buoy, with Jesse slowly falling out of the challenge. Owen took a slight lead as the girls nipped at his heels as Jesse worked to close the gap. The balance beam proved to be the great equaliser, making Karla’s advantage all the more powerful as everyone raced to solve the word puzzle. Despite Karla thinking she had the phrase, it proved wrong allowing Owen enough time to step in and jag himself immunity.

As is tradition, Owen was given the power to take someone on reward with him, selecting Cassidy with zero hesitation as the other trio sadly returned to camp. But first, at the Sanctuary Owen and Cassidy were delighted to see a massive plate of food with Owen thrilled to have a guaranteed place in the final four. The duo started to talk through who would be the better person to eliminate tonight, given both Karla and Jesse are major threats, though they couldn’t really land on who was the most important to get out now. Owen felt like Jesse’s move at the previous tribal council made him unbeatable, while Cassidy was concerned about Karla’s ability to talk her way out of trouble. And say, into a million dollars. Plus Cassidy, like Mrs. Loomis, loves some good old fashioned revenge on people coming for her, so Karla would be her preference.

Back at camp Gabler – who the victors felt had no shot at final tribal council – was disappointed that Owen didn’t take him on reward, particularly since he was so damn fatigued. Karla and Jesse meanwhile were busy trying to figure out a way to avoid going out due to their threat levels, with Karla suggesting they loop in Gabler to get rid of Cassidy instead. Sadly for Jesse – or Karla, TBH – Karla actually was coming for Jesse after the Cody move and as such, wanted to lull him into a false sense of security. While Gabler wanted to stick with Cassidy and Owen, given he is fairly confident he would be able to beat them at the final tribal council. Begging the question, is he going to beat them at the final tribal council?

Owen and Cassidy returned to camp with Karla quickly pushing the importance of them banding together to get rid of Jesse first. While Owen was convinced, when it came to Cassidy she fought back as Karla explained how much better a game Jesse has played and how he will destroy her. Oh and then when that didn’t work, she straight up threatened Cassidy with smearing her name to the jury and guaranteeing she doesn’t win. Enraged, Cassidy pulled Jesse aside to tell him that Karla had been throwing his name out all afternoon and while he wanted to stick with the majority, his head told him that Cassidy was a bigger threat in the final immunity challenge. And that could cost him.

At tribal council Jesse spoke about the importance of throwing other people under the bus to reduce their threat level, specifically throwing out Karla’s name. She then pointed out that the last tribal council proves just why everyone needs to get rid of him. He then gagged literally everyone by announcing that none of it matters to him, given he is also immune since he is currently in possession of Jeanine’s idol. After Owen confirmed it looked legit, Karla immediately pivoted to suggesting getting rid of Cassidy and Gabler are also options. Cassidy downplayed it as nothing but a last ditch attempt, until Jesse and Karla got up to talk about another big move they could pull off. Eventually everyone was up and whispering as Karla pretended to not be coming for Cassidy, though when everyone sat back down, she admitted she knew Karla was still coming for her. While Gabler was just confused about which of the plans going around made the most sense.

With that the tribe voted and despite the theatrics of tribal council, Jesse stood firm and played the idol on himself as the tribe banded together to eliminate Queen Karla in fifth place. As she made her way to Ponderosa she was a little disappointed, though mainly just proud of how well she played and how much of a threat she had become. And while that threat level is what cost her, it totally guarantees her a second shot at the game and once I reminded her of that, she was positively joyous. Though maybe she just loves a Karla Cruz Godoy Rogers.

Yeah yeah, a Roy Rogers doesn’t have alcohol but it has all the sugar, which is sometimes better. Sweet cola mixed with joyous cherry-esque – despite the fact grenadine is pomegranate – flavour? Sign. Me. Up.

Enjoy!

Karla Cruz Godoy Rogers
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
90ml grenadine
600ml cola
2-4 maraschino cherries, to garnish

Method
Divide the grenadine between two tall glasses and fill them with ice. Top with cola, stir and then garnish with a cherry or two.

Then down, obviously.


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The Blacaforenast Cake

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Drag Race España, Drag Race España 1, Snack, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

While it feels like a nearly weekly occurrence since the start of the pandemic, the establishing shots of a new Werk Room fill me with so much joy. Particularly when they’re as bright and fun as our newest iteration to join the franchise, Drag Race España. 

Side note, remember when there was such a time as off season? Gagged.

But anyway, on to what you’re waiting for! We first met Arantxa Castilla La Mancha in full technicolour delight and given she is a passionate fan of Hannah Montana, I live for literally everything she stands for. Particularly since she has such a fun and stupid energy. She was joined by Sagittaria who looked like Else and Aquaria’s baby, though I’m fairly certain that is the point. Next up was Hugáceo Crujiente who looked like a work of bloody art – complete with frame – and I live for everything about her weird artsy vibes. Carmen Farala arrived serving muscle Joslyn Fox with a Jersey tan and Teresa Guidice’s wig and I hate how flooded my basement got. 

Oh and please note, her name is Farala not Farala – just to get the pronunciation correct. 

Pupi Poisson yodelled her way into the Werk Room and my heart and already, I know she is an icon. As well as Arantxa’s auntie and the most charming, shady queen in the bunch. Killer Queen was up next serving superhero realness and is a literal doctor, so I’m ready to get married because she is stunning. But then I’d need to keep Dovima Nurmi as a side piece as he is hot and in drag, a sexy vamp. Oh and she has a history with Sagittaria that didn’t end well, but they chose to hang out in the Werk Room because it is always better the devil you know. You know?

Inti made an iconic entry in all red, carrying your dad’s underwear and I live. Particularly since she has such a cool vibe which hits the exact Indigenous futuristic notes she is wanting too. Drag Vulcano looked like a glamorous, warrior porcupine and could choke me out of drag. And rounding out the cast is The Macarena who is just so delightfully positive, camp and wacky, so she too has me absolutely living. Particularly since she arrived with a tupperware container of pork rinds and some vegan snacks if the queens were that way inclined.

Their getting to know you was interrupted by Supremme de Luxe, welcoming her queens to the competition and introducing the dolls to the first two members of the oversized, gorgeous Pit Crew as they were challenged to a photoshoot while riding a mechanical bull. Last in was first up as The Macarena kissed the bull and fell off immediately before serving glamour in the pillowed floor. Sagittaria fought to stay on before getting into a rhythm and serving pure sex. Dovima was awkward, Inti was one with the bull (and was lucky enough to have long enough legs to keep them firmly on the ground). Carmen popped her balls, and that is enough to snatch the win in my eyes. Pupi had the time of her damn life, Killer Queen wisley needed the Pit Crew to ‘assist’ mounting the bull, Hugáceo was thrown around like a ragdoll and Vulcano shockingly didn’t pop the air mats with her headpiece, which Arantxa desperately needed as she ungraciously flipped around the arena. While having the best time, obviously. Ultimately Supremme is as big a fan of balls as I am, handing Carmen victory before dismissing the girls to de-drag.

As the queens removed their entry looks, we learnt that Dovima superglued stuff to her face while Sagittaria just completely got naked in the background. The dolls were gagged by Arantxa’s boy look while we uncomfortably watched The Macarena seemingly give birth while removing her tucking tape. Back with Arantxa we learned that she doesn’t tuck and instead uses an intricate system of tight panties, while Macarena was having a deep and meaningful with Inti and Vulcano about how she used to be very self-conscious but learnt to love herself and now lives for being naked. 

And well, let’s just say I love all the queens already.

Supreme returned to the Werk Room with some more of the Pit Crew to announce that this week’s Maxi Challenge would required the girls to serve glamour using wagons of trash and as Carmen won the mini challenge, she would be able to pick her box of trash before the rest of the queens fought it out for theirs. Quite literally. More importantly we learnt that Killer Queen only runs for drag and buffets and honestly, I feel we connect on a deep level.

The queens split up to start prepping their looks with everyone playing around with their junk, while Killer Queen straight up whipped out the sewing machine and immediately started assembling her outfit like a damn icon. Supremme arrived to talk to the less organised dolls, with Carmen talking about how confused she is about everything and is struggling to even think, overwhelmed by having to  make an outfit in front of fashion designer Ana Locking. Sagittaria was hiding her nerves a bit better, while Dovima was straight up stressed. Until they started talking about their fight over a man and damn, I need all the details immediately.

Día de Eliminación arrived with the queens all upbeat despite the fact one of them would be going home by the end of the day. Macarena was hoping to just not to shit her pants before they were distracted with talk about plastic surgery – shading Carmen as the most silicone of the group. Macarena shared that they identify as non-binary, with Arantxa, Hugaceo and Inti shared that they too are non-binary. Carmen spoke about making dolls out of random objects as a child, Inti shared their mum identified them as an artist, rather than queer while Sagittaria and Hugacaeo shared touching stories about their mothers too. And well, Macarena ran her mouth a lot, much to Carmen’s chagrin. Oh and Pupi was going the Monet route and covering her shows in sponges, knowing that her look is definitely going to be a mess. And Sagittaria, Hugaceo and Arntxxa were kikiing, with the latter admitting that she has already learnt the lip sync, unsure whether she should trust her instincts with the look she pulled together.

Supreme was joined by Ana Locking, Javiers Ambrossi and Calvo and guest judge and my dream boyfriend, Jon Kortarjaren for the first runway de España. Inti slayed in a monochromatic drape number with pink and purple tassels around her hair. Arantxa was a bright, mod delight complete with bubble guns. Hugaceo was breathtaking in a blue and white gown with her face blending into the fabric of her look. Killer Queen was pretty, floral perfection, with an ode to Marie Antoinette. Sagittaria was breathtaking in a gown of black balls and hoops, serving space age sexbomb. The Macarena was a bright confectionary delight with a flamingo nesting on her shoulder. And carrying a rubber ducky just because. Dovima was a black and green furry sea creature bondage dream. Pupi Poisson was a hot mess with her cleaning products look, but her polish and humour on the runway was charming. Carmen once again looked full woman, ready for a casual lunch with the cast of RHONJ down by the Shore. While Drag Vulcano was a shimmering silver delight in a bodysuit with pinwheel flower embellishments.

Drag Vulcano, Arantxa, Killer Queen and Inti were sent to safety before the judges gushed about everything that Hugaceo did, with Ana in particular living for her fashion aesthetic. Sagittaria too received universal praise before the judges read Macarena for being a little basic and unfinished. Dovima was read for her runway walk, with Jon reminding her to not go so far that she ends up making her life too hard. Pupi was praised for turning up on the show given her legacy, though the judges didn’t like anything about her outfit. Oh and Carmen too received universal praise, with the judges loving her energy.

Backstage the safe queens celebrated not being the first boot before trying to guess who would be joining Carmen in the top. Inti suggested that Macarena would be joining her while Killer felt Pupi would definitely be at the bottom. But as you know, we’re all bottoms. The other dolls joined them with Hugaceo suggesting Carmen will win, while Pupi acknowledged she’d be in the bottom, as did Dovima. For not being able to get out of her head. And then Macarena gagged the girls by pointing out that she is probably in the bottom too.

Ultimately Carmen was sent to safety, handing Hugaceo the first win of the season to their adorable delight. Sagittaria was deemed safe before Supremme gagged us all by saving Pupi, leaving Macarena to battle Dovima to I Will Survive but not that I will Survive. The Monica Naranjo version. In any event, both of the queens immediately felt every lyric and worked overtime to avoid being the first one sent home. Then Dovima pulled out a damn whip, Macarena lost her wig and it was all over. Though I feel that the lip sync was a very hard fought draw, Dovima’s better outfit clearly managed to save her as The Macarena became the first queen eliminated.

I was so heartbroken to see my dear friend The Macarena walk back into the Werk Room and immediately pulled her in for a hug. And gave her the usual first-boot-of-a-franchise pep-talk. You know, the one where I tell them that as THE Porkchop, they will always be remembered while everyone else will fade into obscurity. Plus, if you speak about your penchant for nudity on camera, the world is going to love you. Particularly if you are nude while eating a The Blacaforenast Cake. There is a massive market for it.

Rich and fudgy, tart and sweet; a black forest cake is one of the greatest inventions. Like a slab of fruit and nut chocolate, this cake has it all. And what it lacks in nuts, Carmen is willing to flash hers. And well, so is my nude friend The Macarena.

Enjoy!

The Blacaforenast Cake
Serves: el español Porkchop y their also nude friend.

Ingredients
1 ½ cups raw caster sugar
125g unsalted butter, diced
⅓ cup cocoa powder
½ tsp bicarb soda
400g dark chocolate, chopped
1 ½ cups flour
1 tbsp baking powder
2 eggs, whisked
600ml thickened cream
2 tbsp kirsch
400g pitted sour cherries, drained but saving the ju-uice, buuuddddy
1 tbsp arrowroot
1 tbsp icing sugar
maraschino cherries, to top

Method
Preheat oven to 160C.

Combine the caster sugar, butter, cocoa and bicarb with 60g of the chocolate and a cup of water in a large saucepan. Place over medium heat and cook, stirring, until it boils. Reduce to low and simmer for a couple of minutes, or until it is homogenous and combined. Remove from the heat and let it cool for a couple of minutes.

Whisk in the flour, baking powder and eggs until well combined. Pour into a lined 22cm cake tin and bake for about 30 minutes, or until an inserted skewer comes out clean. Once rich but cooked, removed from the oven and allow to cool slightly in pan before transferring to a wire rack to finish the job.

To make the ganache, bring half the cream in a saucepan over medium heat and once shimmeringly hot, remove from heat and whisk through the chocolate until smooth and silky.

While that rests, combine the cherry juice with the arrowroot in a small saucepan and cook, stirring, for a couple of minutes or until viscose and shiny. Then leave that to rest.

Finally, beat the remaining cream with the icing sugar until stiff peaks form. And when one of us is nude, the peaks are definitely stiff.

To assemble, cut the cake into four layers. Place the bottom on a plate, drizzle with a third of the kirsch, followed by the syrup and whipped cream. Sprinkle with cherries and repeat layering process until you’ve got the last piece of cake on top. Spread with the ganish until covered and smooth. 

Top with maraschino cherries and devour, triumphantly, in the nude. Like a damn icon.


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Parphaedra Parks

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

There is nothing more soothing than having a sassy catch-up with my dear friend Shade-ra Parks. Particularly after her stellar performance on this week’s housewives, letting Porsha plant herself directly under a bus whilst chugging back wine.

This, my friends, is peak Phaedra and this is why we are the absolute best of friends. Wine and shade.

I first met Phaedra while she was in law school. As you can probably guess, I was running a scam pretending to be a lecturer – fun fact, my lawyer lecturer persona inspired Annalise Keating. Phaedra, as my brightest and shadiest student uncovered my duplicity and forced me out of the profession.

Being such a sweet christian girl however, Phaedra took me under he wing and taught me to lead a good, southern christian life whilst also being hella sexy.

Given Phae has been so busy lately with the boys, her business and general feuding with her Atlanta friends, I haven’t seen her since Apollo went to priz. It was such a treat to reconnect, catch-up and most importantly talking about the remainder of the season over a delicious Parphaedra Parks.

 

parphaedra-parks-1

 

Being as Phaedra is literally the sweetest thing in the world, I first whipped this up to show my appreciation and make up for the fact that I am not as kind as her. That said, she is sweet but she is also great at throwing shade and is a little nutty, so I had to include some cherry and almonds to get the point across.

And to elevate the flavour – enjoy!

 

parphaedra-parks-2

 

Parphaedra Parks
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
500ml cream
150g dark chocolate
1 gelatine leaf
2 egg yolks
75g caster sugar
100g almonds, chopped and toasted
100g pitted cherries, halved

Method
Bring half a cup of cream to the boil in a small saucepan over medium heat. Once boiling over like an international holiday of a housewives franchise, remove from the heat and whisk through the chocolate and gelatine leaf until smoothy and glossy. Set aside to get chill.

Whisk the remaining cream in a large bowl until the ribbon stage. In another bowl – I know, another – mix the eggs and sugar in a stand mixer until light and fluffy.

Fold the chocolate mix into the eggs until smooth, then fold in the cream, almonds and cherries. Transfer to a lined 25cm square cake tin, smooth the top, cover and freeze overnight.

The nek day – as the kids said a few years back – cut into portions. Serve … and devour.

 

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