Joe Del Campho

Yeah, yeah – previously on Survivor, Jason couldn’t pull off the impossible and was sent to Ponderosa despite everyone in the alliance trying to turn on each other. But this episode, seriously? Again! Another freaking medevac!?

Poor little Joey, Joe-Joe aka Rudy 2.0 found himself experiencing some severe #GastrointestinalDistress and was swiftly pulled from the game in fifth place. Confirming to Tai that, despite his fears, he goes home with his idol in his pocket.

Game, set, match editors – well played!

Anyway, let’s rewind. We got back to camp and again Joe spoke, before Michelle and Tai butted heads over Tai’s late-game villain turn after he once again flipped on his alliance for the third time.

We then headed straight to reward where Joe shocked everyone and won the reward, proving that slow and steady wins the race, and ended his anti-Anglim streak in the process.

Damn straight he #GetsItDoneAt71!

I first connected with Joe about four decades ago when we worked for the FBI together. Joe is an absolute gentleman and acted like a mentor to me, despite my questionable relationship with the law.

We stayed close throughout the years – despite my many scandals, arrests and stints in rehab – and Joe has remained a constant in my life and has always tried to help me be the best version of me. Could you imagine how bad I would have been without him?

Anyway, poor little Joe overindulged in the delicious meat at his Hef reward, despite not being a big meat guy, and sadly that was his downfall.

We heard all about Cydney upping her game (by downplaying the fact that she could literally crush everyone left in the game), Joe, Cyd and Aubry formed a final three alliance, Tai and Michelle joined forces, Aubry and Tai reconnected while Michelle and Cydney solidified their bond … all for nothing after Joe was done in, I assume, by an extreme case of meat sweats!

Having zero respect for the fact that he was just medically evacuated for stomach issues – and the fact that he is 71, to boot – I decided to go with a (potentially) digestively aggressive Joe Del Campho to welcome him to post-hospital Ponderosa.

In my defense, pho was Joe and my go to meal after cracking a case / defeating the bad-guys / whatever it is we did in the FBI back in the day (I was way too high to remember those days) – it was to us, what shawarma is to the avengers, you know?

So yeah, onion, par cooked-meat and chilli isn’t a good thing on paper – but it was the ultimate comfort food for my dear old friend. Despite that, the fresh flavours, delicately cooked meat and the kick of heat and lime work together to bring you a pho that dances in your mouth.

Plus, ginger is good for you … so there is that, right? Enjoy!

Joe Del Campho
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
5 cups beef stock
3cm piece ginger, finely grated
2 star anise
1 tsp fennel seeds
cinnamon quill
1 tbsp fish sauce
2 tsp soy sauce
dried pho noodles, softened in boiling water for a couple of minutes
250g beef sirloin, finely sliced across the grain
1 onion, finely sliced
4 shallots, green part only, finely sliced
⅓ cup chopped coriander
black pepper
lime wedges, to serve
sliced chillies, to serve
Thai basil leaves, to serve
bean sprouts, to serve
sriracha sauce

Method
Place stock, ginger, spices, fish sauce, soy sauce and 2 cups of cold water in a large saucepan over high heat. Cover, bring to the boil and then reduce the heat to low and simmer uncovered for 5 minutes.

Place a handful of pho noodles in a large bowl and cover with boiling water. Allow to rest until cooked through or about fifteen minutes, drain and leave to rest.

Thinly slice the steak – it helps if you freeze it for about 20 minutes before.

Remove the spices from the stock mixture with a slotted spoon.

To serve, place pho noodles in the bottom of a bowl, layer the raw steak and onion over the top and cover generously with the piping hot stock. Season generously and sprinkle on some coriander.

To eat, season to taste with lime juice and chilli and add in some basil and sprouts. As I like heat and disregard Joe’s health, I topped it up generously with some sriracha.

The heat may have got things moving?

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Shannen Doughertynuts

Baking, Dessert, Donna Martin graduates, Party Food, Snack, Sweets

I know what you’re thinking, how do you celebrate Donna Martin’s graduation without Donna herself, Tor-Spell? A) We’ve caught up recently, b) she was busy walking her goat around the Hills and c) you can’t celebrate with the 90210 cast without a famed Don-Da book-end, and yes I mean emotionally and sexually.

You may also be concerned about the lack of Cataractis however in my defense, she is busy leading the Screen Actor’s Guild – we’ll catch-up again soon (I need to find a way to sucker her into getting my membership reinstated).

So despite mentioning I met Helen Hunt on the set of Twister, that is wrong / a bald-faced lie. I had a job working as SJP’s assistant (after meeting on Annie) on Girls Just Wanna Have Fun but connected with Shan over our extremely volatile tempers. She was feuding with Hells at the time, so I pretended not to know her when we “met” on the set of Twister.

Like me, Shan is a girl with a bad, angry, aggressive reputation … but deep down, she is human and she needs to be loved. And to me, she is just an absolute sweetheart! Given our rage blackouts we felt it was a no-brainer for us to join together to help each other through anger management.

After sorting out her rage in the mid-80s (despite what the tabloids and cast changes of Bev Hills and Charmed would have you believe), I introduced her to my #1 shopping buddy Winona Ryder leading to her role in Heathers. And then, obviously, 90210 – seriously Spelling estate, where is my cut of the cash money?

It has been a few of years since I last caught up with Shan, after we feuded over her appearing in my nemesis’ Ryan Murphy’s extended PSA The New Normal. Given that she was always – quite literally – caught in the middle of Annelie and my on-set brawls, Shan knew that this was bigger than our egos and accepted my olive branch in the hope of triggering her memory. Maybe her cancer – which I shamefully didn’t support her through – gave her some perspective on what is truly important.

While sadly Annelie is still suffering from her cage-fighting injuries, Shan and I really relished the opportunity to reconnect, plot some downfalls, get into a bar fight and honour the monumental pop culture event that was Donna Martin graduates!

And nothing says reconnected friendship / celebration like a Shannen Doughertynuts!

I’ve been very open about my fear of frying oil, so you know these babies are baked – but is that a crime? If it is, lock me up with a batch and throw away the key!

The dough is soft and fluffy, the cinnamon sugar delicious meaning these baked babies certainly hit all the right notes for a doughnut. All in all, these are the perfect way to celebrate Donna Martin graduates!

23 years later, congrats on the protest crew and Don, for graduating – enjoy!

Shannen Doughertynuts
Serves: 2 angry friends.

Ingredients
100g butter
¼ cup caster sugar
3 eggs
1 cup milk
½ tsp vanilla essence
3 ¼ cups plain flour
4 tsp baking powder
pinch of salt

Cinnamon sugar
1 cup caster sugar, extra
1 tbsp ground cinnamon

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

In a large bowl of an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar together until light, pale and fluffy. With the mixer still on, add the eggs, one at a time allowing to mix after each addition, and the milk and vanilla, mixing until combined. Still mixing, add in the baking powder and salt until just combined – it may look a bit curdled, but relax.

Remove from the mixture and fold in the flour until just combined. Do not overmix, ok? That is very important and you don’t want to upset Shannen or I!

Transfer batter into a piping bag and pipe into a doughnut pan. If you don’t have a pan you can try and pipe them into circles – they may not look perfect, but they’ll taste it! Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until golden and fluffy.

While they are baking, combine the extra sugar and cinnamon on a tray.

Remove the doughnuts from the oven, immediately toss in the cinnamon sugar and transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Repeat the process until the batter is done. Good luck not devouring them while you’re baking the rest. These are pretty amazing with Dulce de Nick Lachey too, FYI.

To Donna Martin and the student protest that saved her graduation!

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Peter Baklavenstos

Baking, Dessert, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng, Sweets

Running into an ex is always awkward, but when it is seeing the person that broke your heart after getting them on the show … after they were just voted out is kinda satisfying.

Scrap that, it is fucking glorious.

This week we started with Petey trying to woo Tai into his third showmance in six episodes while over on Chanloh, part-time model Debbie and her adonis Nick engaged in, what on the island was, the filthiest and most explicit romance since Ozzy and Amanda in Micronesia.

Love, however, isn’t what we watch for … it is all about Probst making a series of ball puns while people were bobbing for them during the reward challenge. Once again, Aubrey continued to be the challenge beast of the season.

Peter spent most of the episode putting a target on his back and being paranoid, before a block almost took out Biden at the challenge. Thankfully he wasn’t evacuated, giving Aubrey another chance to shine when she literally crossed out Julia’s name and changed her vote to Peter.

I don’t know if it was due to budget cuts or they are trying to be green, but I’m thankfully there are limited pieces of parchment for drama’s sake.

I first met Petey on the impersonating circuit where he, obviously, was a Time Square Obama and I was any misc-dark haired celebrity with curls, but was most often recognised as Fred Savage, Ray Martin or aggressive Andy Samberg.

Pete and I, again obviously, fell into a torrid love affair bathed amongst the lights of Bro-ad-way (right near where, I assume, Reed cheated on Josh). Our loving relationship was so strong, he convinced me to don blackface (to upset my nemesis Harry Connick Jr. – he always refused my advances/to whisper my name) and play the Michelle to his Barack.

Mich (who I am also friends with) loved the idea and thankfully deemed my arms perfect enough to play her … lucky I invented that workout system with her in 2014. I must look at releasing it soon, if only I paid Todd Tucker for his work filming it.

Anyway, when I found out Pete was officially going to be on Survivor I quickly tried to call Probst and try to help pre-game for my lover, but his attitude got in the way (I’m team Biden on the circuit, not on the island) and we sadly went our separate ways.

While you may assume that I would handle a break-up with expletives, lighter-fluid and booze, that wasn’t the case when I reconnected with Pete in loser lodge … probably as I was so smug to see him just before the merge, meaning my break-up, once again proves that Kat Mr. Edorsson is a genius – who wants to date someone that doesn’t make the merge?

Thankfully I am very mature and rational and was kind enough to whip ~~it out~~ him up a nice batch of my (usually post-coital) Peter Baklaventos.

Baklava, while time consuming, is one of the easiest sweets you can make but still looks impressive. Obviously this is my favourite kind of recipe – one that gives you the most bang for your buck … particularly if it is for a post bang meal.

Between the pastry, rosewater and sticky nuts dripping in a sweet, moist glaze … this is something you need to have in and around your mouth. ASAP.

Enjoy!

Peter Baklavenstos
Makes: About 24 pieces.

Ingredients
250 gm each pistachios and walnuts, finely chopped
100 gm caster sugar
3 tsp ground cinnamon
200 gm butter, coarsely chopped
500 gm filo pastry
Honey syrup
300 gm caster sugar
125 gm honey
1 lemon, finely grated rind and juice only
1 cinnamon quill
4 drops rosewater

Method
Combine nuts, sugar and cinnamon in a bowl and set aside. Melt butter over low heat in a small saucepan, set aside and keep warm. Brush a 24x34cm baking dish with butter. Cut filo sheets to fit tray snugly and cover with a damp tea towel.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Layer one-third of the filo pastry in tray, brushing butter between each layer. Yes this can be annoying and I generally avoid this set when making filo pies … but this is the one dish you kind of can’t avoid this step, sorry.

Spread half the nut mixture on top, repeat the process with the next third of filo, top with the remaining nuts and do the filo again. Once more, with feeling and refrigerate for about 20 minutes.

Remove from the fridge and cut the dish into 4cm diamonds with a sharp knife, making sure to get through all layers of filo and bake until golden and crisp, about 50 minutes. Cover loosely with foil if the top browns too quickly.

While in the oven, get onto the honey syrup by combining the sugar, honey, lemon rind, cinnamon and 300ml water in a saucepan over medium heat, stirring until the sugar dissolves. Reduce heat to low, simmer for 20 minutes and the flavours have gloriously steeped in the liquid. Remove from heat, strain and stir through the lemon juice and rosewater and set aside.

Cool baklava for about 5 minutes and pour the syrup evenly over the pastry. Set aside at room temperature to cool completely … if you can. Then go crazy and devour it.

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Banana Khait Muffins

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng, Sweets

Again, seriously?! I don’t know how I am going to pay off all my bookies – once again, one of my top winner picks heading into the season was sent to loser lodge (and I am looking to start another ponzi scheme). Poor Anna was dealt a dud hand in the swap and her tribe opted not to hold her but to fold her and let her run away into my arms.

It all started innocently with Obama capitalising on last week’s drama by opening up the Chan Loh trauma centre, lancing potential (and likely, judging from the rusty hook) future medivac Sexy Rudy’s finger, before my frosty dandy got his hand-ys on the hidden immunity before the aforementioned switch up.

After exiling poor Julia to hell beach, with nothing but Darnell’s brown-trout for company, the members of the new tribes jostled for position … or something – let’s be honest, all I heard was something about Obama’s low hanging fruit.

Yep.

I first met Anna a couple of years ago, when I hired her to be my poker coach. You see, I had created a strip-poker group with my celebrity crushes / hot friends and needed to learn to play to get them as naked as possible, as quickly as possible. Anna is an absolute card shark and after helping me find abs-olute pleasure with my friends, she was instantly welcomed to my inner circle.

Fun fact: I actually used time-travel to go back and co-write The Gambler with Kenny Rogers.

After the tribes convened to go fishing and witness a puzzle laying down for Debbie like a lover, a target was firmly set on Anna or Tai’s back … and since Tai has managed to take another island (non-puzzle) lover, Anna was royal flushed from the tribe.

She was very hurt to have made her way to loser lodge this soon but was thrilled to be able to help me make money off the rest of the pre-merge boots in a high stakes game of Cambrodian Fame Hungry Poker (it is aggressive, sexual and involves also winning the opportunity to be Tai’s next bro-mance).

She was even more thrilled to see my Banana Khait Muffins, which I used as currency to pay her when I was her student … which inspired the old rapping meatball lady from my hit movie The Wedding Singer.

Banana muffins are quite possibly the easiest thing to make but since I originally used these as currency, I had to dress them up a bit so caramelised the bananas first and added some nuts … because who doesn’t love a bit of caramel and nut action to up the stakes? The caramel gives you sticky pockets of goodness that leave your stomach feeling like it’s got a very satisfied full house. Or black jack, probably.

Enjoy!

Banana Khait Muffins
Serves: 8-12.

Ingredients
200g caster sugar
1 tbsp sea salt
2 bananas, sliced
½ cup walnuts, chopped
350g plain flour
3 tsp baking powder
½ tsp bicarbonate of soda
½ tsp ground cinnamon
135ml grapeseed oil
3 eggs, lightly beaten
100g natural yoghurt

Method
Preheat oven to 170°C, fan-forced.

Pour the sugar into a very clean, medium-sized frying pan over medium heat and leave to melt until a caramel begins to firm. As hypocritical as I may sound, don’t stir it … be patient and let it gloriously melt by itself. Once it is molten, add the salt, banana and walnuts, stirring until they are coated.

Place the dry ingredients in one bowl and the wet … ingredients in the other. Add the caramel/banana mix to your wet ingredients (saving a teaspoon of caramel for each muffin to drizzle on top after they are baked, if you want).

Stir the wet ingredients into the dry until just combined, making sure you avoid overworking it. A) if you do, it makes them dense and b) why put in my effort than you have to?

Spoon the mixture into lined muffin pans and bake for 40 minutes. Cool and drizzle with reserved caramel, if you didn’t eat it while they were baking … which full disclosure, I did.

What can I say, Probst makes me hungry!

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Cinnamonica Seles Apples

Condiment, Side, Snack, Sweets

Straight up, I would like to dispel your knee-jerk assumptions from earlier in the week – I was not involved in the stabbing of Monica Seles … despite being a close friend of Steffi Graf. There is no proof, so don’t even try. I mean, the glove does not fit etc.

That being said, the tragically senseless and violent crime is what led to my first meeting with Monnie. You see, I was serving a community service term as a Candy Stripper (yes, stripper) in the German hospital where she was recuperating after the attack (I was drunk and disorderly at the same tournament the previous year as part of Steffi’s entourage, when I got into a premature fight with Brooke Shields).

Anyway, being a total sports fanatic I took Monnie under my wing and acted as her chief security and support. Plus, she also had great meds which I swapped out for placebos … thus her extended break to recover.

Despite the theft of the drugs being discovered (Monnie forgave me knowing I was an addict and supported me through rehab), we’ve been the closest of friends ever since, with me ghostwriting her memoir and advising her to make fantastic career choices like her forays into television with The Nanny and DWTS.

Monnie and I hadn’t seen each other in a couple of years so it was such a delight to catch up with her and participate in my personal favourite past-time, hitting tennis balls off the roof of my building at unsuspecting pedestrians below.

Let me just say, Mon still has it!

After such rigorous exercise, we were definitely in need of some simple sugars that we could pretend were healthy – enter my Cinnamonica Seles Apples.

Cinnamon and sugar as quite possibly the greatest culinary combination, with apples and walnuts being a close second. Obviously when you chuck all the keys into a bowl at the kitchen swingers party and instead end up with a flavour orgy, things can’t go wrong.

Enjoy!

Cinnamonica Seles Apples
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 royal gala apples
100g walnuts, chopped
1 lemon, juiced
2 tbsp butter
⅓ cup brown sugar
½ tsp ground cinnamon

Method
Core and thickly slice apples, leaving skin on. Toss in lemon juice.

Melt butter in a non-stick pan over a medium heat, add apples and walnuts. Cook, stirring until lightly golden, about 5 minutes.

Add brown sugar and cinnamon, cook until thickened, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat and cover to keep warm.

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Spiced PumpKen Todd Muffins

Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Ken is such a doll – you have no idea!

While I had the pleasure of catching up with Ken for drinks at PUMP just after seeing Lisa last year, poor Annelie wasn’t able to attend and, I think, has been struggling with missing our Hollywood father-figure a little more than I do.

As fans would know, Ken is kind, thoughtful and loving man and despite being solo (he didn’t want Giggy to end up in a Pistol and Boo scenario) he filled our house with so much heart!

Ken regaled us with spoilers from the upcoming season of RHOBH (you’ll never guess who Rinna glasses this year), while we gave thanks for our achievements over the last year and brainstormed ideas for the next venue in the Vanderpump-Todd dining dynasty.

Given that our date was to celebrate an early thanksgiving, and Ken is such a sweetie, we had to go with our Spiced PumpKen Todd Muffins.

Pumpkin is probably one of my favourite ingredients, the sweetness mixed with the earthy, rich, woodiness is so versatile and so delicious.

Add it to a cinnamon coated muffin and you’re in heaven. Enjoy!

Spiced PumpKen Todd Muffins
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
small butternut pumpkin, baked and blitzed into a puree (you’ll need 1 ¼ cups puree)
140g unsalted butter, room temperature
3 cups plain flour
2 ½ tsp baking powder
¼ tsp baking soda
1 tsp coarse salt
½ tsp ground nutmeg
¼ tsp ground allspice
⅓ cup buttermilk
¾ cup dark brown sugar
2 large eggs
¾ cup raw caster sugar
2 ½ tsp ground cinnamon

Method
Preheat oven to 200°C. Place the pumpkin on a lined tray and baking for about 50 minutes. Remove from the oven, slice in half, seed and leave to cool for about half an hour. Once cooled blitz into a puree in a blender or food processor.

Reduce the heat of the oven to 170°C.

Whisk the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, nutmeg, and allspice together in a medium bowl. In a separate bowl, whisk together the buttermilk and pumpkin puree.

In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar on medium speed of an electric mixer until fluffy and pale brown. Beat in the eggs, one at a time. Reduce the mixer to low and add a third of the flour mixture, then add half the buttermilk-puree hybrid, followed by another third of flour, the rest of the buttermilk-puree and then, you guessed it, the last of the flour.

Divide the mixture evenly amongst 8 lined Texas muffin tins and bake for 30 minutes or until a skewer comes out clean. Let muffins cool for 10 minutes on a wire rack in the pan.

While they are cooling, combine the caster sugar and cinnamon in a small bowl.

One at a time, remove the muffins from the pan and toss in the sugar mixture until coated and place on the wire rack. Repeat until they are done.

Devour.

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