Apple

Zendgria

Drink

As you know – well should, I’m sure I’ve mentioned it … I got Susan Lucci inducted too – I am a Disney Legend and as part of that honour, I am required to mentor young Disney stars.

I don’t if that is a blanket rule for the legends but Walt asked me on his deathbed, so I kind of feel obliged.

After releasing dear Miley Cyrus into the wild, I was lost trying to find a replacement until Zendaya came along. As soon as I laid eyes on Z, I knew she would become my new mentee as she is the only person that possessed even half of my talent.

That isn’t a dig, it’s just that I’m amazing.

Anyway my tutelage has led to Z’s career blossoming from Disney starlet, to DWTS runner-up and more importantly a starring role in the upcoming Spider-Man movie.

While I would normally relish the opportunity to destroy someone reaching my dream – Spider-Man can shoot his web on me any day – Z is just such a sweet girl, that it makes me happy to see her succeed.

Plus, she owes 99% of it to me.

Like there is a rule to not wear white after Labour Day, I have a rule to not be sober after Halloween. Now before you get all grumpy, yes Zendaya is under 21 but she was visiting Australia so she can participate in my post-Halloween drinkstravaganza.

Particularly when it doubled as a meeting to finalise the signature cocktail for her 21st next year which we decided will be a Zendgria.

 

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We wanted something that adequately highlighted the fruity influence I’ve had on her life but also had a depth and a richness, like her many talents.

Our decision really was a no brainer – enjoy!

 

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Zendgria
Serves: 6. Lol – nope, 1.

Ingredients
2 apples
2 oranges
1 lemon
750ml red wine aka a bottle
½ cup brandy
¼ cup cointreau
1 tbsp raw caster sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
2 cups soda water, chilled

Method
Core and dice the apples, and add them to a large pitcher.

Slice the oranges and lemon, and add them to the pitcher.

Pour the wine, brandy and cointreau into the pitcher, sprinkle in the caster sugar and cinnamon. Stir, cover and refrigerate for a couple of hours, preferably overnight.

When you’re ready to serve, add soda water, give and quick stir and down. Greedily.

 

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Kristie Belette

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Say what you will about Kristie’s game, her journey from a paranoid Abi-Maria-lite meltdown on day two, to Samoan sea-witch that laid low to dodge the vote at twenty tribal councils is an impressive feat.

I mean sure, a game littered with big moves is far more exciting for the audience at home – amirite Ciera? – but Kristie was playing with a group largely dominated by castaways like Lee who had barely seen the show and labelled anyone that was actually playing a snake and immediately turned on them. Her only real option was to ride it out being underestimated for as long as should could before making the moves she needed to end up in the Final Two.

And given that she ended up in the Final Two, you’ve got to give her credit despite the large amount of luck involved in her game.

Plus, what she did with her slot in the finals was fascinating to watch. As Lee fumbled and was unsure of what to do, Kristie put her 16 years of watching the show to good use and took responsibility for her game and was assertive and eloquent in explaining why she played the best game given the cards she was dealt.

And thankfully the jury – minus El, obviously – rewarded her for the effort as she was crowned Sole Survivor.

Obviously I have been friends with Kristie for a couple of years, after meeting at an occult convention and eventually starting a wildly unsuccessful witches coven. But maybe that is because I was serving us ritualistic Kristie Belettes which are far more fitting as a victory dessert, rather than an offering to the gods.

 

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Like island living, this dessert is the perfect, rustic treat to serve to someone who would need to acclimate back into real life. You can pretty much make this using any combination of fruit you like or switching out the nuts but there is something I love about the earthy pecans, working with the sweet apple and tart blueberry.

It almost feels, triumphant – enjoy!

 

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Kristie Belette
Serves: 1 Sole Survivor, or 6-8 normal peeps.

Ingredients
½ cup pecans, lightly toasted
1 cup plain flour
2 tsp raw caster sugar for dough, ¼ cup for fruit mixture, plus more for dusting
½ tsp salt
¼ tsp cinnamon
½ cup chilled unsalted butter, cut into pieces
2 cups blueberries
1 apple, peeled, cored and finely diced
1 tbsp cornflour
1½ tsp lemon juice
2 tbsp milk

Method
Blitz pecans in a food processor to make a coarse meal. Add in the flour, 2 tsp sugar, salt and cinnamon and blitz briefly to mix. Then add butter and you guessed it, blitz again until it resembles wet sand. Kinda like Aganoa after the wave washed out their camp on night one?

Transfer the mixture to a bowl, add in some ice cold water – a tablespoon at a time – and mix until it just comes together. Form the dough into a disc, wrap in cling wrap and chill for at least an hour.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

While the oven is adding some heat to your life, combine the blueberries, apple, cornflour, lemon juice and ¼ cup sugar in a large bowl. Set aside.

Roll out the dough between two layers of baking paper until it is about a half a centimetre thick disc. Transfer to a lined baking sheet – or you know, flip one of the baking sheets you used to roll the dough over onto said sheet – mound the blueberry-apple mixture in the centre of the dough, leaving a 5cm edge which you then fold over in a rustic fashion, to ensure Kristie isn’t too uncomfortable by the high class of my baking after just escaping the jungle.

Brush said rustic fold with milk, sprinkle with sugar and bake until it is browned and crisp, with a molten berry centre aka 40 minutes. And I say browned, rather than golden because I clearly burnt this. What are you gonna do when you’re sipping mai tais while baking every other day in paradise?

Allow to cool slightly and devour. If it is warm, devour with ice cream – why not, she is our winner after all?

 

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Cinnamonica Seles Apples

Condiment, Side, Snack, Sweets

Straight up, I would like to dispel your knee-jerk assumptions from earlier in the week – I was not involved in the stabbing of Monica Seles … despite being a close friend of Steffi Graf. There is no proof, so don’t even try. I mean, the glove does not fit etc.

That being said, the tragically senseless and violent crime is what led to my first meeting with Monnie. You see, I was serving a community service term as a Candy Stripper (yes, stripper) in the German hospital where she was recuperating after the attack (I was drunk and disorderly at the same tournament the previous year as part of Steffi’s entourage, when I got into a premature fight with Brooke Shields).

Anyway, being a total sports fanatic I took Monnie under my wing and acted as her chief security and support. Plus, she also had great meds which I swapped out for placebos … thus her extended break to recover.

Despite the theft of the drugs being discovered (Monnie forgave me knowing I was an addict and supported me through rehab), we’ve been the closest of friends ever since, with me ghostwriting her memoir and advising her to make fantastic career choices like her forays into television with The Nanny and DWTS.

Monnie and I hadn’t seen each other in a couple of years so it was such a delight to catch up with her and participate in my personal favourite past-time, hitting tennis balls off the roof of my building at unsuspecting pedestrians below.

Let me just say, Mon still has it!

After such rigorous exercise, we were definitely in need of some simple sugars that we could pretend were healthy – enter my Cinnamonica Seles Apples.

 

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Cinnamon and sugar as quite possibly the greatest culinary combination, with apples and walnuts being a close second. Obviously when you chuck all the keys into a bowl at the kitchen swingers party and instead end up with a flavour orgy, things can’t go wrong.

Enjoy!

 

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Cinnamonica Seles Apples
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 royal gala apples
100g walnuts, chopped
1 lemon, juiced
2 tbsp butter
⅓ cup brown sugar
½ tsp ground cinnamon

Method
Core and thickly slice apples, leaving skin on. Toss in lemon juice.

Melt butter in a non-stick pan over a medium heat, add apples and walnuts. Cook, stirring until lightly golden, about 5 minutes.

Add brown sugar and cinnamon, cook until thickened, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat and cover to keep warm.

 

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Fiona Apple Pie

Americana Week, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Annelie and I love Chipotle – nearly as much as In-n-Out Burger, definitely more than Five Guys. So when Chipotle contacted us to find a suitable set of pipes for their advertisement on YVAN EHT NIOJ factory farming, we gravitated toward our old friend Fiona Apple. Despite our deep-seated love for meat and Fiona’s passionate veganism, we were united by the most important of causes – Chipotle’s commercial success. I suppose animal rights were somewhat important too.

As you can imagine, our history with Fiona is checkered and colourful. In the mid 1990’s Annelie was busy trying to convince David Blaine he was her biological father in the hope he would write her into his will, as it would only be a matter of time that one of his stunts went horribly wrong. Fiona, Annelie’s stepmother-to-be, didn’t want to split the inevitable fortune and instead indoctrinated Annelie and Ben into her pagan religion, Wicca-ty Wak.

Despite the odd human sacrifice, the maintenance of Fiona’s gigantic gemstone collection and the excessive daisy chain making, life in Wicca-ty Wak wasn’t all bad. In 1999, Annelie and Ben were chosen to title Fiona’s upcoming studio album as a thank you for their devotion to Wicca-ty Wak. Logically,  they went with When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He’ll Win the Whole Thing ‘fore He Enters the Ring There’s No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might so When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right with Ben and Annelie as your friends as they are the greatest human beings of all time.

For some reason, Fiona exhiled us from Wicca-ty Wak shortly thereafter. She also chose to break up with David Blaine just as he was planning another potentially-life-ending stunt thus confirming her insanity.

Fiona has just released a new album and is keen to catch up with her old friends, no doubt due to our A-lister status. What can we make that will bring her back down to earth and realise that we are the true success story in this friendship? A good old slice of humble pie perhaps.

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The Fiona Apple pie is like an edible hug. The filling is sweet yet tart and spicy, and is enclosed in perfectly flaky, buttery pastry.

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

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Fiona Apple Pie
Serves: 8

Ingredients
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, spooned and leveled
1 tsp salt
1 tsp sugar
230g cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1/4 to 1/2 cup ice water

Filling
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup golden syrup
20g butter
1/3 cup plain flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
10 medium granny smith apples, peeled, sliced
2 tsp caster sugar
1 egg, lightly beaten

Method
In a large bowl, combine flour, salt, and sugar. Add butter and rub into the dry ingredients between your fingertips until the mixture resembles wet sand.

Sprinkle with 1/4 cup ice water and mix together with your hands until it holds together when squeezed with fingers (if necessary, add up to 1/4 cup more water, 1 tablespoon at a time). To help ensure a flaky crust, do not go overboard.

Transfer half of dough onto a piece of plastic wrap. Form dough into a disk 3/4 inch thick and wrap tightly in plastic. Refrigerate until firm, about an hour. Repeat with remaining dough to make two disks.

Meanwhile, place brown sugar, syrup and butter in a large saucepan. Stir on low until melted and smooth. Simmer for 2 mins. Place flour and spices in a large bowl. Add apple, toss to coat. Add to syrup. Stir to coat. Simmer for 20 mins stirring occasionally until apples are just tender.

Preheat oven to 180°C or 160°C fan. Roll out one of the disks between two sheets of baking paper until roughly 5mm thick, place in pie dish and trim edges. Line shell with baking paper, fill with baking weights and blind bake for 15 mins. Remove weights and baking paper and bake for a further 5 mins.

Spoon apple mixture into the pastry shell.

Roll out remaining disk of pastry an cut into 1-1.5cm strips. Carefully place strips in parallel lines about 1-1.5cm apart. Now it get tricky. Fold every second strip of pastry half-way down and lay a strip of pastry across the pie, perpendicular to the other strips.

Unfold the folded strips, fold back the other strips and lay a another strip of pastry to form a lattice. Confused? Same. Just go here and follow this process as it is what I follow!

Trim the strips and join to the edge of the pie (this can be difficult following the blind baking so you can skip that step, but I’m always too scared it will be soggy so deal with the lattice coming off here and there). Brush pastry lightly with beaten egg and sprinkle over caster sugar. Bake for 30-40 mins until golden and crisp.

Serve pie with ice cream or cream or whatever, really. Ice cream while it is still warm is amazing though.