Massamanda Peet Curry

Main, Poultry

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but for the second week running I’ve put an end to one of my most vicious and longest running feuds with Amanda Peet. I also can’t believe I’m saying this, but it turns out Mandy never actually did anything wrong and we’ve been feuding for five decades for no reason.

Well actually, not even five decades. Just the one.

You see, our feud started in 1966 after I was Harvey Weinstein-ed out of our joint company, Peet’s coffee after we time travelled back to build our empire. Only it never actually happened and *gasp* Peet’s Coffee has absolutely nothing to do with Mandy or I.

While time travel exists and Annelie and I most definitely invented it, gloated about it to Michael J. Fox and had our lives turned into the Back to the Future series, time travel had nothing to do with this saga.

I should have first been tipped off to the fact that it wasn’t time-travel related, is because Mandy and I were catching up for coffee at Peet’s Coffee near Haight-Ashbury fifteen years ago joking about the company being hers and how we should fight them for ownership. I then had a dickload of mushrooms and dropped some acid, before hallucinating our entire journey back to the sixties. I probably should have also been tipped off by the fact my memories looked like the Yellow Submarine and Annelie and I had vowed to never time travel with anyone else, which is a promise would never break. It also explains why Mandy spoke about her concerns for my mental health in the press and her fear that her ‘best friend’ was losing his mind.

Given the absurdity of what she was saying, I wasn’t quick to believe her but gurl, knowing me so well, had receipts. She pulled the Peet’s security footage and played me my entire breakdown and hallucinated feud, before pulling me in close and crying, telling me how much she has missed me.

We spent the afternoon laughing and crying – she said Dave had actually wanted to cast me as a gender flipped Khaleesi, given how beautiful Jon Snow and my babies would look – as we plotted the perfect end to our feud, making her the face of Peet’s Coffee. Which sounds like the most perfect marketing move for them, though that could be the Massamanda Peet Curry.

 

 

Warming, spicy and full of kick, this curry ticks all the boxes and leaves you feeling happy and fulfilled. Plus – it is the perfect thing to represent the fiery rage of our one-sided feud, and the hearty, nutty nature of our love.

Enjoy!

 

 

Massamanda Peet Curry
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
coconut oil
1 onion, thinly sliced
a chunk of ginger, grated
5 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp tamarind paste
2 red chillies, sliced
1 stalk lemongrass, minced
1 tsp turmeric
1 tsp ground coriander
1 tsp ground cumin
pinch of ground cardamom
3 bay leaves
⅓ cup roasted cashews, roughly chopped plus extra to garnish
500g chicken thighs, roughly diced
1 cup chicken stock
400ml can coconut milk
2 potatoes, roughly diced
1 capsicum, thinly sliced
1 tomato, diced
2 tbsp fish sauce
1 tbsp palm sugar, grated
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Heat a lug or large dollop – depending on your current temperature – of coconut oil in a large frying pan over medium heat and sweat the onion for a couple of minutes. Add the ginger, garlic, tamarind, chillies and lemongrass and cook for a further minute, or until nice and fragrant. Add the dry spices, bay leaves and cashews and cook for a further minute.

Add the chicken to the deliciously stanky pan, and lightly brown before slowly adding the stock while stirring until well combined before adding in the coconut milk. Add the potatoes, capsicum and tomato, bring to the boil, reduce heat to a simmer and cook, uncovered for about half an hour or so.

Remove from the heat and stir through the fish sauce, palm sugar and a whack of salt and pepper. Serve immediately with rice, preferably of the coconut variety, topped with coriander and/or extra cashews. Then devour, of course.

 

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Coffee and tea or be with me

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

After Tara graciously agreed to end a feud that I was wholly responsible for, I felt that it was time for me to extend the courtesy to one of my dearest ex-friends slash Tar’s former co-star Amanda Peet.

Who is completely and utterly responsible for the mess our friendship is in.

While you probably assumed that our feud was caused by her not convincing her husband to cast me as a gender flipped Khaleesi to allow me to bed Khal Drogo and Jon Snow, that is not the case.

Way back in 1966 – I had shown Mands the wonder of time travel, which Annelie and I invented – we created the great Peet’s Coffee business together … before I was removed from the company “due to a scandal” – now known as Harvey Weinstein style – and lost the coffee fortune I would have accumulated in the preceding 50 years.

I mean, sure, I was caught up in a scandal but she should have protected me. What says I am finally willing to forgive you for abandoning me and costing me my fortune?

Image source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Steak Diane Keaton

A decade of saying so, Main

Some would say that Because I Said So is a tragic fall from grace for my dear Academy Award winning friend Diane Keaton. To them I say – and you should probably know where this is going as we’ve hit day three of our decade of saying so celebrations – fuck you.

Saying Because I Said So is a terrible movie or a fall from grace is nothing more than an alternate fact and frankly, fake news. To be honest, it should have won a million, million and a half Oscars.

Anyway, Di jumped at the chance to drop by and hang out – she was chomping at the bit to be included in my last two Oscar Gold celebrations – to celebrate her underrated gem.

I first met Di in the early ‘70s while working on The Godfather – as you know, I’m very close with the Coppola-Cage-Schwartzman Dynasty. I mistakenly thought that  it was a documentary – let’s put it down to the chilling performance rather than casual racism –  and was drawn to Di as she appeared to be the least likely to kill me.

What ensued is a beautiful friendship that has lasted ever since, with only one hiccup – she broke the girl code and played Keanu’s love interest. Thankfully she is so delightful and kind that  she grovelled adequately enough to nip our feud in the bud at seven days, four hours and thirteen minutes.

Like me, Di is a big fan of Because I Said So and her work in it. As such, we spoke at length discussing why the media was so against the clear classic and how to bring about its renaissance a decade on.

So yeah, deep conversation with a lot of work, meaning we earnt every piece of our Steak Diane Keaton.

 

steak-diane-keaton-1

 

Despite what you may think, I’m not a huge meat eater. I mean sure, I love me some meat, but I never really got into the culinary equivalent until I had my wisdom teeth removed. After ten days of not eating anything but yoghurt, any chicken loving, white-man-diet enjoying would turn to a steak.

Particularly if is drowned in some delicious diane sauce – enjoy!

 

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Steak Diane Keaton
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
4 shallots, trimmed and sliced
150g button mushrooms, sliced
1 tbsp salted butter
3 garlic cloves, peeled and crushed
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp Dijon mustard
⅓ cup brandy
1 cup double cream
handful of flat-leaf parsley, roughly chopped
4 sirloin steaks, excess fat removed, size depending on your appetite

Method
Heat a lug of olive oil in a medium skillet and cook the shallots for a minute before adding the mushrooms, butter and garlic and cook for a minute. Stir through the Worcestershire and mustard for a couple of minutes before adding the brandy. Turn up the heat, bring to the boil, then reduce the heat, stir through the cream and simmer for a couple of minutes, or until reduced. Remove from the heat and stir through the parsley.

Season the steaks on both sides and heat a lug of olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Sear the steaks on both sides for about three minutes, more or less depending on how you like steak. Just make sure to only flip it once. Remove from the pan to rest for a minute or two before serving, drowned in sauce with some *spoiler alert*.

 

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Keanachu Reeves

Main

I tell you, Keanu is like a fine red wine – and no I don’t mean he stains my teeth if I’m dehydrated – he just gets better and better with age.

While he has had more misses than hits since The Matrix saga concluded, Keanu has never once held that against me despite the fact I am his closest, unpaid advisor. That being said, he decided to co-star again with Sandy fucking Bullock against my judgement and that is definitely his worst film of the 00s and obviously I argue that is the reason for the slowing of decent offers.

I guess it is hard to hold my other terrible advice against me, given I’ve been making questionable choices for the entire duration of our friendship. From getting him expelled, to forcing him into taking pay cuts to bump up the wages of my other friends Gene and Al or robbing banks with Lori Petty and inspiring both Point Break and her stint in Orange is the New Black, my choices have never been great.

But Keanu always stands behind me, although only figuratively after Speed.

Despite our love affair ending after the meddling of Bitchy McBullfuck, I always try to keep my options open with him by keeping the spice in our relationship … which is where my Keanachu Reeves comes into play.

 

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I’ve oft spoken about my love of spice and melt your insides hot chilli – and if you’ve missed it, your homework is to re-read every article. Actually, while you’re there can you proof all my past posts and point out all my sausage-finger typos and drunken grammatical errors – I just, kind of can’t be bothered doing it myself but know that I should, you know?

Anyway … way off course. Keanachu is a gangbang (I wish) of my George Takeios, Chilli con Kim Carnes, Chipotlenny Kravitz Burritos and Candace Cameron Bure-ito Bowls because, full disclosure, I just throw any and all spices, chillis and beans into a pot when cooking Mexican and hope for the best.

It is yet to fail me, so enjoy – Keanachu is as delicious as its namesake.

 

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Keanachu Reeves
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, finely diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
500g beef mince
½ red capsicum, diced
½ green capsicum diced
1 tbsp chilli powder
1 tbsp ground cumin
1 tsp oregano
½ tsp cayenne pepper
2 chipotles in adobo, finely minced
400g can crushed tomatoes
400g can kidney beans, drained and rinsed
salt and pepper, to season
1 cup grated cheddar cheese
f-loads of corn/tortilla chips
guac, to serve – you don’t have to pay extra though
sour cream, to serve

Method
Heat the oil in a large pan over medium heat. Reduce to low and add the onion and the garlic, sweating until they are soft, translucent and smell glorious. Add the mince, breaking up with the back of a spoon, until it is starting to brown.

Increase to a medium heat and add the capsicum and spices, stirring to combine and release the flavours. Add the chipotles, tomatoes, kidney beans and a good whack of salt and pepper and, again, stir to combine. If it is too thick, add a bit of water and reduce to a low heat, again, and leave to simmer, half-cockedcovered for 15-20 minutes.

Preheat oven 180°C.

Layer chips, be them corn or tortilla, on the base of a large baking dish, top with balls-hot chilli and a good layer of cheese and bake in the oven for about ten minutes, or until the cheese is golden and bubbly … and hot enough to give third degree burns.

Serve generously or eat from the dish with copious amounts of guac and sour cream.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

My Own Private Guytablow

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Talk about a blast from the past! I was heading back from rigging the Rip Curl Pro for Matty Wilkinson in Bells Beach, when I thought, damn my life has been lacking drama lately so I picked up the phone and called my dear friend Keanu Reeves.

As you would be aware, Keanu is 100% pure adrenaline meaning, obviously, we had a torrid love affair which may or may not have lead to his expulsion from the Etobicoke School of the Arts. While he was bummed to be expelled from ESA, the incident bonded us for life and loosely inspired three of his latter films: Speed, My Own Private Idaho and The Devil’s Advocate.

While to commoners it may appear that Keanu has fallen off the face of the earth in recent years, we try to stay in touch every couple of months when we get together to read scripts and make smart career decisions … like avoiding working with my nemesis / evil shrew, Sandra Bullock.

Yep – sorry Jason Patric, I’m the reason Speed 2 became available.

What says thanks for finally letting me share our beautiful love story?

Picture source: Screen cap from Point Break.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.