Prettazels

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys – relax! Treat Yo’ Self Day is finally here again. Yep, that’s right everyone It’s Treat Yo’ Self Two-Thousand-Fifteen!

To mark such a wonderous occasion, we couldn’t look beyond a catch-up with the Queen of Treat Yo’ Self and in the future, the world, Re “Regal Meagle” tta.

I first befriended Retta online after joining together in a Twitter feud with Ashton Kutcher and connected in person on the Parks set when we travelled back in time to embed ourselves in the writer’s room to invent … the best day of the year!

Retta, like us, is a fan of the finer things in life and enjoys being a dominant force of awesomeness and as such, our bond was immediate as we owned the L.A. social scenes and feuded with and then befriended the Kardashians.

Retta has been quite busy since wrapping Parks and wanted to make the most of her time off from Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce (Andy, I know our relationship ended poorly but you know you want me to headline a Housewives series – Brisbane is pretty boozy) by relaxing with her closest friends and celebrating Treat Yo’ Self Week with our glorious, salty Prettazels.

Real, pretzels (you know, as genuine as one from a cart outside The Met can be) are literally the greatest thing in the world – pillowy on the inside, crisp on the outside and covered in salty, salty goodness that cures the blues of trudging through Time Square to avoid the paps on Fifth Ave.

One of the many lessons learnt from Seinfeld, is that Prettzels make you thirsty, so we made sure we had plenty of leftover Jimosas on hand.

Prettazels? Treat. Yo’. Self.

Prettazels
Makes: 6.

Ingredients
1 cup milk
7g dry yeast
3 tbsp packed light brown sugar
2 ¼ cups plain flour
30g butter, softened and diced
1 tsp fine salt
1 egg, beaten with a dash of milk
maldon salt flakes

Method
Warm the milk in a saucepan until it is roughly 50 C and pour into a large mixing bowl for a stand mixture. Sprinkle in the yeast and leave to bask in the warm milk bath for about 2 minutes before stirring in the brown sugar and 1 cup of the flour. Add the butter and stir into the mix. Add the remaining flour and the fine salt and knead in a stand mixer with dough hook for 3-5 minutes or until it is smooth yet a little bit sticky (who doesn’t love sticky buns – treat yo’ self). Shape into a ball and leave to prove, because don’t we all have something to prove, in a warm place, in a lightly oiled bowl and cover with cling wrap for about two to three hours.

While the dough is proving, preheat the oven to 220C.

Punch the dough back, in a non-aggressive manner, and divide into 6 pieces. Roll and stretch each piece with the palms of your hands into a 50cm(ish) rope shape before curling into a cirle shaping, knotting the ends over each other and pressing into the base (sorry, terrible description but just aim for a pretzel shape). I am pretty awful at the stretching process, so opted for a fatter more rustic style of pretzel, but there are videos showing you how to do it on YouTube that look like a Devo film-clip.

Place on a lined baking sheet and repeat the process until all the dough has been used. Brush with the egg wash and sprinkle generously with salt flakes. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Eat as is, or dip in a mustard mayo for ultimate treat!

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Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins

Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Well this week’s visit sure provided us with some shocks! We were under the impression that Hilary was just making a quick trip over to discuss collaborating on a new album and/or to do a guest stint on Younger, but her real reason was far more telenovela.

Wait for it…Annelie and I are actually Duffs!

Yes, you read that correctly – Annelie and I are both long lost Duff siblings! I have always had an inkling that I was older than I thought, given my penchant for pre-5PM dinners, but I never thought for a second that I was Haylie Duff’s seven minutes younger and far prettier twin.

I was in smug shock thinking about how glorious our debut album as Up the Duffs’ would be (probably in stores next fall) that I almost fell off my chair when Hizza dropped the bomb that Annelie was not only a Duff, but Hilary’s twin.

Hilary was so pleased to have received an anonymous tip-off that her mother gave two of her children up, and even more so when she discovered that those children were her best friends and the writer/creators of Lizzie McGuire.

So excited that she even ignored the fact we sided with Stifler’s Mom in the violent and deadly A Cinderella Story feud … and poisoned Chad Michael Murray against her during our on set fling!

Oh and that time we got Haylie fired from 7th Heaven likening her to the second coming of Shannen Doherty so that I could sleep with Simon (we thought the show was a documentary and our alcoholism was blinding our judgement when Matt was clearly the superior son).

While Annelie eventually came clean that she gave Hizza the anonymous tip-off and that she falsified the DNA results, it was so nice reconnecting as family as opposed to friends over our Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins. I don’t know we will ever be able to tell her the truth (I wouldn’t anyway, that would ruin Annelie’s long-winded scam).

Like Hilary the muffins are a sweet, sugar coated delight but like her and Haylie’s respective twins they have enough spice to keep it interesting.

Or that is how we sold it to her – enjoy!

Apple Cinnamon Hilary Duffins
Makes: 8.

Ingredients
2 cups plain flour
4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
250g butter, melted
1 cup brown sugar
½ cup maple syrup
4 eggs
5 granny smith apples, finely diced
2 tsp ground cinnamon, extra
½ cup caster sugar

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Sift the flour, baking powder and cinnamon in a bowl to combine, before adding the butter, brown sugar, maple syrup, eggs and apple. Mix thoroughly to combine.

Divide the mixture evenly amongst 8 Texas muffin tins and bake for 20-25 minutes or until a skewer comes out clean.

Combine the extra cinnamon and caster sugar in a bowl.

Immediately remove the muffins from the tin and toss the cakes in the sugar. Cool and devour.

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Friza Minnelli (Friza with a Z)

Main, Side, Snack

If any of our friends can hold a candle to our razzle dazzle, it is Liza. Obviously that has a lot to do with my Triple Threat Tutelage (I must copyright that name), but I do believe she could have achieved fame on the z-list without me.

I mean it is Liza with a Z, after all.

While I trained dear Liza, we have sadly never had the opportunity to work together onscreen. Well we did, but Fosse the freak fucked it up. You see, I was originally cast in the role of the Emcee in the movie version of Cabaret however was fired for refusing to wear the comparatively demure costume that Joel Grey ended up wearing in his Oscar winning turn.

After the travesty, I hit the prescription drugs pretty hard and eventually took both Annelie and Liza with me where we became bonded for life.

Liza dropped by yesterday at dusk, when thankfully lighting is kinder, and immediately found her way to the balcony to bust out an epic tune to anyone that would listen. (It was fantastic, FYI). Thankfully she has recovered from her vertigo (which was written into Arrested Development) and we didn’t lose another treasure!

After wowing the wider neighbourhood, we quickly got to work gossiping about all of our mutual nemeses – Sienna Miller really had no place being in the latest Cabaret revival on Broadway, I mean, where is her Academy Award Nomination – and whipping up a batch of our favourite bitching food, Friza Minnelli.

We first had the idea fresh out of rehab in the late 70s to do an Italian take on chilli fries and bam, Friza was born. Thankfully we had some leftover Dolognese from last week’s visit, so it was nice and easy to put together with some perfectly cooked oven fries.

Enjoy! But how couldn’t you – what is better than the joining of Dolly and Liza?

Friza Minnelli
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
2 cups Dolognese Parton
4 russet potatoes
extra virgin olive oil
parmesan, grated

Method
Preheat oven to 220°C degrees.

Chop potatoes into matchsticks by cutting the potatoes in half, in half again, then slicing into wedges and then into thin matchsticks. Sounds confusing, but I promise it will make sense when you’re doing it.

Line two baking sheets with greaseproof paper and add the fries with a generous drizzle of EVOO and a good whack of salt and pepper. Toss generously to coat.

Arrange fries in a single layer, avoiding too much overlap if you can. Chuck them in the oven and bake for 25-35 minutes, tossing half way to ensure even crispiness.

When the fries have about 15 minutes left, place the Dolognese Parton in a saucepan and cook over low heat until it comes to temperature.

Once the fries are done, serve evenly between the bowls. Cover with Dolognese and garnish, heavily and aggressively, with parmesan.

Devour.

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Charros

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

I tell you, Charo is an absolute miracle worker on the soul!

After a tumultuous month with Annelie engaged in a legal battle with Brandi Glanville after giving her the information which lead to Fish-Cooch-gate, foiling Kelly Rutherford’s attempts to gain back custody of her children and blocking Bryan Adam’s next album from seeing the light of day, and where I was involved in a non-deliberate-or-scam-related hit and run (the car hit, I ran … to a bar), we have been feeling a bit down, despondent and in need of a lift. Charo, petite as she may be, had us soaring higher than her flamenco riffs at the end of our catch-up.

Charo is a rarity amongst our friendships, in that we have never once been engaged in a fight, legal battle or had an ill word to say of one another in our five decade friendship. Some would argue that the mutual secrets of our actual ages make us scared to cross each other, but I would argue that her Spanish charm is too infectious. I mean, come on, she’s Charo!

Even during our time working on The Love Boat, where Annelie and I were heavily addicted to crack cocaine and invented the drug Bath Salts in the Captain’s Suite with Shirley Jones, Charo embraced us with warmth and tried to help us achieve our best.

Charo walked into Annelie’s place and could tell we were both down (Bryan’s album still had a release date and I realised I forgot to get the details of the man who legitimately ran me down), immediately breaking into an epic four and a half hour flamenco guitar solo about hope, despair and perseverance which turned our frowns upside down.

The only way to repay our dear friend, mentor and role-model and celebrate her multiple birthdays, was to whip up the biggest batch of Charros possible, while we plotted ways that Ben could win back JVDB’s love after he ruined a Beek Jeans event three years ago.

While Charros are good with a nice thick, chilli chocolate sauce our personal favourite accompaniment is Dulce de Nick Lachey. It is thick, sweet and makes you want to smack your hands/face in it until Charo can teach you the sign language for it / work you out of your funk.

Enjoy!

Charros
Serves: 3 friends plotting to woo back JVDB.

Ingredients
¼ cup caster sugar
2 tsp ground cinnamon
1 cup plain flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp olive oil
1 cup boiled water
corn or vegetable oil, for-a deep-fryin’

Method
Mix the sugar and cinnamon in a wide, shallow dish and place aside (this is for the coatin’).

In a large, heatproof bowl combine the flour and the baking powder, and then beat in the olive oil and boiled water. Keep mixing until the dough comes together, it will be warm and sticking so don’t let that scare you. Leave the dough to rest for 10 minutes, while you heat the oil over low/medium heat in a medium saucepan (the oil should come up a third of the way, remember I am pretty scared of deep fryin’).

When the oil appears hot enough, toss in a cube of bread and see if it sizzles and browns. If it browns in about 30 seconds, you’re good to go. Keep watch on the hot oil pan at all times, you never know when it can go nuts.

Preheat the oven to 80°C.

Load up a piping bag with a large star shaped nozzle (if you don’t have a star nozzle, like me, a plain one won’t matter. They will just look like strange little nuggets that taste delicious) and fill it with the dough. Squeeze lengths, about 6-8cm long, of dough into the hot oil, snipping them off with a pair of scissors as you go. You could do them long, but that would require some serious deep-fryin’ which I am just not emotionally ready to commit to. Cook about 3 or 4 at a time. Once they are browned, remove to paper towels with a slotted spoon and then place on a lined baking sheet. While you work through cooking all the churros, keep them in the oven to retain their heat.

Once all done, keep in the warm oven for about 10 minutes to help them finish cooking through before coating in the cinnamon sugar and serving with a generous amount of Dulce de Nick Lachey, preferably on Nick Lachey.

This may be all about Charo, but she isn’t the only one bringing the spice, no?

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Chicken & Jamie LeeKurtis Pies

Main, Party Food, Snack

After scaring us half to death with the prospect of a private, confidential catch-up, Jamie was on her best behaviour when she dropped by and she was proud of it.

We have been friends with Jamie since our childhood when I appeared as Kyle Richard’s stunt double in Halloween and Annelie was directing films under the pseudonym of John Carpenter.

Given the basis of our first meeting, scaring and pranks formed the basis of our relationship.

While we have occasionally gone too far, what with the anthrax incident and the time we had her quarantined for Ebola, we’ve only had one serious fight after I was arrested for stalking her godson. I mean, the whole ugliness could have been avoided had she just consented to introducing us/allowing us to trap him in our home.

Despite this setback, we have always enjoyed a close working relationship with Jamie; getting her jobs on Roadgames, My Girl and the critically acclaimed Beverly Hills Chihuahua (although sadly, we couldn’t negotiate for her to keep her role in the sequels) and she keeps us with a bountiful supply of yoghurt and patented diapers.

James was in fine spirits, and surprisingly a shirt, when she dropped over, gushing over her upcoming role in Scream Queens (we know who the killer is, but obvs can’t say anything … other than the fact Billie Lourd is a saint, but look at her mother/grandmother) and how Jake was willing to meet up for mediation.

A return to fame for us and look who comes crawling back!

Wanting to focus on the boozing while she was here, we opted for a generous batch of our famous Chicken & Jamie LeeKurtis Pies.

Decidedly low on yoghurt content, these pies still keep you feeling regular. Obviously “regular” for you needs to mean happy and content with a stomach filled with love.

Enjoy! Also, fun fact, don’t use the line “a stomach filled with love” if you’re on trial for stalking.

Chicken & Jamie LeeKurtis Pies
Serves: 36.

Ingredients
¾ cup chicken stock
½ cup dry white wine
500g chicken breast, diced
20g butter
1 leek, chopped finely
1 stick celery, chopped finely
1 tbsp plain flour
2 tsp fresh thyme leaves
½ cup cream
1 tsp Dijon mustard
salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 sheets shortcrust pastry
4 sheets butter puff pastry
1 egg yolk, beaten lightly
extra thyme leaves

Method
Melt butter in the pan and brown diced chicken for 1-2 minutes. Add the leek and celery and cook, stirring, until soft.

Stir in thyme and flour until bubbling. Add white wine, stirring to combine until slightly thickened before adding the stock, cream and mustard, until mixture boils and thickens. Season to taste with salt and black pepper and remove from heat, cool slightly.

Preheat the oven to 200°C. Grease 3 x 12-hole muffin tins. Cut 36 squares from the shortcrust pastry. Press into prepared pans. Spoon 1 tablespoon of chicken mixture into each pastry case. Cut 36 squares from the puff pastry. Top chicken mixture with the pastry lids, brush with egg yolk and sprinkle with extra thyme leaves.

Bake on the lowest shelf for 15 minutes or until browned.

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

BosTony Bennett Baked Beans

Main, Side, Snack

It is sometimes hard to go back from a series of vitriolic tweets calling for the blood of your octogenarian friend and his two-bit floozy of a duet partner using the insults 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Hagrid’s Nutsack and Supercalifragilisticexpialidickcheese (which in turn, inspired an episode of Veep), but somehow we seem to have mended another feud.

2011 was a rough time in our lives and we expected a duet, or triet, to reinvigorate our careers after a brief relapse with heroin and a scandal where we out-drank famed mess Lisa Newman at a political event in Queensland.

As we explained to Tony, his friendship with our nemesis Lady Gaga – who stole our idea to wear a meat dress – was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

We first met Tony in 1944 when we were drafted to the U.S. Army in the final stages of WWII, while I was running a scam to find myself the most strapping / biggest dish of a husband. While I failed and caused the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, Tony saw through our drama and befriended us and allowed us to ride his coattails to fame and fortune.

It was a beautiful friendship – dancing the foxtrot and the charleston with the coolest cats in Hollywood, a whirlwind stint addicted to cocaine (resulting in my regrettable and forgettable threesome with Frank Sinatra and Perry Como) and years being celebrated on the awards circuit.

And then along came old Germy-twatta …

We are ashamed of the way we lashed out at our dear friend but thankfully Tone realises that when pushing 90, it is futile to hold a grudge and has warmly embraced us back into the fold … on the condition that we have a sit down with Lady BlaBla. While the thought makes us physically sick, we will do it for Tones.

Given his age and our penchant for comfort food (and pants), we went with a nice big batch of BosTony Bennett Baked Beans.

Nothing helps digestion and aids relieving yourself of gas (other than stretching to Diana Ross) quite like beans. Plus they are jam packed with fibre, protein and are low GI and in fat*, you know, the kind of shit oldies and oldies at heart love.

Enjoy!

BosTony Bennett Baked Beans
Makes: 5-6 cups … but I am terrible at estimating quantities.

Ingredients
500g dried navy beans, soaked overnight in plenty of cold water
1 tbsp mustard powder
1 tbsp Dijon mustard
1/2 cup golden syrup
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 large onion, diced
6 rashers streaky bacon (smoked is good but that is just me)
3 bay leaves
2 x tins chopped tomatoes
1/4 cup red wine vinegar

Method
Drain and rinse beans. When you think they are rinsed thoroughly, rinse again, then place in a large saucepan, covering with water and bring to a slow boil. Reduce the heat and gently simmer gently over low heat for 45 minutes or until just tender (the actual cooking time will vary depending how good/old the beans are – it can take up to four hours for the beans to become tender). Drain the beans and set aside to cool.

In a small bowl, combine mustard powder, mustard (I have no idea why I mixed mustard powder and mustard, but they tasted good so who cares?), golden syrup and sugar to form a paste.

Preheat fan-forced oven to 140°C.

Add a good lug of olive oil to an ovenproof cast-iron, heavy lidded casserole dish. Add garlic, onion, bacon and bay leaves, cooking over medium heat for 5 minutes. Add tomatoes and mustard mixture and stir to combine.

Add the beans and stir. Place lid on, whack it in the oven and bake for 1½–2 hours or until beans are tender, stirring occasionally.

Remove from the oven and stir in the red wine vinegar. Cover and return to the oven for a further 30 minutes. Remove from the oven and season to taste. If they are too sweet, because lets be honest they can be, add another dash of vinegar to cut through.

* Oh and Ben literally has no idea, this is from Google Nutritionist. So yeah, don’t trust us!

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Snoop Daggywood Dogg

Carnival Week, Party Food, Snack

Ok, so full disclosure, we pretty much hate every aspect of a carnival aside from the food. I mean between the nature and the general public, it is terrifying. We are the people that inspired Eva Gabor’s character in Green Acres, after all.

We are more urban people, which coincidentally is where we first met our dear friend Snoop Dogg (slash Lion). Snoop shared a dealer, Nancy Botwin, with us back in the early 2000s when we were staunch supporters of MILF Weed.

As we were all crazy stoned, friendship quickly blossomed between us and were initiated into his gang after scoring him a role in Starsky & Hutch with our frenemy Stiller. We then went back in time to help him co-write his hit song Gin and Juice.

As most of our catch-ups involve having the munchies (and the fact that being stoned helps going to a carnival), we opted for a pre-Ekka meal of Snoop Daggywood Doggs.

Obviously we then stayed in and got crazy stoned and spun each other in circles. Such a better choice.

Crispy, crunchy and nothing close to something you’d consider healthy, these are best dipped generously in tomato sauce. If you’re wild, mustard is a bit of fun too.

Fun fact, the Snoop Daggywood Doggs are so delicious that they were the catalyst for the notorious gang fight / murder in ‘93. Thankfully our lawyer Johnnie Cochran was free to help Snoop out!

Enjoy!

Snoop Daggywood Dogg
Serves: 3 very stoned friends.

Ingredients
⅓ cup polenta
1 cup plain flour, plus extra for dusting
1 tsp bicarb soda
1 tsp baking powder
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
pinch of salt
2 tbsp caster sugar
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 ⅓ cups buttermilk
8 frankfurts
8 skewers
vegetable oil, to fry
tommy sauce and mustard, to serve

Method
Place polenta, flour, bicarb of soda, baking powder, cayenne pepper, sugar and ½ tsp salt in a bowl and stir to combine. Stir in egg, then, gradually stir in enough buttermilk to make a smooth, thick batter.

Fill a large saucepan one-third full with oil and heat over medium heat until a chunk of bread turns golden in about 10 seconds. Place extra flour in a shallow bowl and, working with one hot dog at a time, dust in flour, shaking off the excess, then, coat liberally in batter. Holding one end of the dog with tongs, gently drop into oil and fry for 3-5 minutes or until crisp and golden. You may need to turn them halfway through. Drain on paper towel.

Thread corn dogs onto skewers and serve immediately with tommy sauce and mustard.

For classic look, dip the tip in the tommy sauce.

The tip of the meat, obviously.

Meat as in the Snoop Daggywood Dogg, obviously.

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Arianncini Huffington

Party Food, Snack

It is pretty poor form for us to miss one of our closest friend’s birthdays but thankfully Arianna is so poised, dignified and understanding … particularly when it comes to rebooting CHiPs, which fun fact, is her favourite show of all time.

We have been close friends with Arianna and the wider Huffington family for the best part of the last three decades, with Annelie working as her campaign manager in the 2003 California recall election and while I went rogue, working pro-boner to bring down Arnie.

Sadly, I wasn’t his type and couldn’t get the right scandalous images and Arianna withdrew from the race after discovering my unethical plan but thankfully we were able to inspire her to launch the phenomenon that is The Huffington Post after a casual-power-lunch at Nobu.

While Arianna left lunch to get straight to work on building her empire, we lingered at the restaurant and commenced our long running feud with Yolanda Foster (we ended up giving her lyme disease) and quickly fled the country to avoid arrests.

Being a saint, Arianna forgave us for our behaviour and has continue to support us publically as often as possible, most recently when I was campaigned for the non-existent role of King of Movember.

Wanting to impress Arianna during her quick jaunt to Brisbane (and make up for our tardiness), we opted to whip out our famed, noted and totally thriving Arianncini Huffington.

Like dear Ari, the Arianncini are textured, complex, warm with a bit of a kick and a warm gooey centre. All in all, a delight.

Enjoy and happy belated birthday dear friend!

Arianncini Huffington
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
900ml Chicken Stock
2-3 tablespoons olive oil
1 onion, finely chopped
340g marinated artichokes, drained and chopped
300g arborio rice
¼ cup dry white wine
30g unsalted butter, chopped
½ cup finely grated parmesan
squeeze of fresh lemon juice
1 tsp dried chilli flakes
100g mozzarella, cut into small cubes (you could trade out for fetta)
1 tablespoon plain flour
1 egg, lightly beaten
2 cups (200g) dried breadcrumbs

Method
Bring stock to the boil over high heat and keep at a gentle simmer.

Heat oil in a large, heavy-based pan over medium-low heat, add onion and cook for 3-4 minutes until soft. Add artichokes and rice and stir for 1-2 minutes to coat grains. Add wine and stir for 3-4 minutes until almost evaporated. Add a ladleful of stock and allow it to be absorbed. Repeat until all of the stock is used. Reduce heat and continue until rice is cooked but still firm to the bite (10-ish minutes max). Stir in butter, parmesan, lemon and chilli, and season to taste. Spread risotto in a shallow dish to cool, cover and refrigerate for at least an hour or overnight.

I find it is easy to work with if it was in the fridge for only a few hours.

Preheat oven to 200 C. Line a tray with baking paper. Place 1 tablespoon of risotto in the palm of your hand and flatten slightly. Place a piece of mozzarella in the centre, then roll up to enclose and form a smooth ball. Place on the tray. Repeat with remaining risotto, then chill balls for 10 minutes. Place flour, egg and crumbs in separate bowls. Dust risotto balls in flour, then dip in egg, roll in crumbs and return to tray.

Drizzle balls with oil and place in the oven to bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and crisp, turning halfway through baking. Yes, I am aware that is a terrible instruction, but I’m scared of frying the balls.

Best served with a spicy tomato sauce. Surely we have a recipe laying around here, somewhere?

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Fiona Apple Pie

Americana Week, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Annelie and I love Chipotle – nearly as much as In-n-Out Burger, definitely more than Five Guys. So when Chipotle contacted us to find a suitable set of pipes for their advertisement on ~~YVAN EHT NIOJ~~ factory farming, we gravitated toward our old friend Fiona Apple. Despite our deep-seated love for meat and Fiona’s passionate veganism, we were united by the most important of causes – Chipotle’s commercial success. I suppose animal rights were somewhat important too.

As you can imagine, our history with Fiona is checkered and colourful. In the mid 1990’s Annelie was busy trying to convince David Blaine he was her biological father in the hope he would write her into his will, as it would only be a matter of time that one of his stunts went horribly wrong. Fiona, Annelie’s stepmother-to-be, didn’t want to split the inevitable fortune and instead indoctrinated Annelie and Ben into her pagan religion, Wicca-ty Wak.

Despite the odd human sacrifice, the maintenance of Fiona’s gigantic gemstone collection and the excessive daisy chain making, life in Wicca-ty Wak wasn’t all bad. In 1999, Annelie and Ben were chosen to title Fiona’s upcoming studio album as a thank you for their devotion to Wicca-ty Wak. Logically, they went with When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He’ll Win the Whole Thing ‘fore He Enters the Ring There’s No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might so When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right with Ben and Annelie as your friends as they are the greatest human beings of all time.

For some reason, Fiona exhiled us from Wicca-ty Wak shortly thereafter. She also chose to break up with David Blaine just as he was planning another potentially-life-ending stunt thus confirming her insanity.

Fiona has just released a new album and is keen to catch up with her old friends, no doubt due to our A-lister status. What can we make that will bring her back down to earth and realise that we are the true success story in this friendship? A good old slice of humble pie perhaps.

The Fiona Apple pie is like an edible hug. The filling is sweet yet tart and spicy, and is enclosed in perfectly flaky, buttery pastry.

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Fiona Apple Pie
Serves: 8

Ingredients
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, spooned and leveled
1 tsp salt
1 tsp sugar
230g cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1/4 to 1/2 cup ice water

Filling
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup golden syrup
20g butter
1/3 cup plain flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
10 medium granny smith apples, peeled, sliced
2 tsp caster sugar
1 egg, lightly beaten

Method
In a large bowl, combine flour, salt, and sugar. Add butter and rub into the dry ingredients between your fingertips until the mixture resembles wet sand.

Sprinkle with 1/4 cup ice water and mix together with your hands until it holds together when squeezed with fingers (if necessary, add up to 1/4 cup more water, 1 tablespoon at a time). To help ensure a flaky crust, do not go overboard.

Transfer half of dough onto a piece of plastic wrap. Form dough into a disk 3/4 inch thick and wrap tightly in plastic. Refrigerate until firm, about an hour. Repeat with remaining dough to make two disks.

Meanwhile, place brown sugar, syrup and butter in a large saucepan. Stir on low until melted and smooth. Simmer for 2 mins. Place flour and spices in a large bowl. Add apple, toss to coat. Add to syrup. Stir to coat. Simmer for 20 mins stirring occasionally until apples are just tender.

Preheat oven to 180°C or 160°C fan. Roll out one of the disks between two sheets of baking paper until roughly 5mm thick, place in pie dish and trim edges. Line shell with baking paper, fill with baking weights and blind bake for 15 mins. Remove weights and baking paper and bake for a further 5 mins.

Spoon apple mixture into the pastry shell.

Roll out remaining disk of pastry an cut into 1-1.5cm strips. Carefully place strips in parallel lines about 1-1.5cm apart. Now it get tricky. Fold every second strip of pastry half-way down and lay a strip of pastry across the pie, perpendicular to the other strips.

Unfold the folded strips, fold back the other strips and lay a another strip of pastry to form a lattice. Confused? Same. Just go here and follow this process as it is what I follow!

Trim the strips and join to the edge of the pie (this can be difficult following the blind baking so you can skip that step, but I’m always too scared it will be soggy so deal with the lattice coming off here and there). Brush pastry lightly with beaten egg and sprinkle over caster sugar. Bake for 30-40 mins until golden and crisp.

Serve pie with ice cream or cream or whatever, really. Ice cream while it is still warm is amazing though.

Buffalec Baldwin Chicken Meatball Poppers

Americana Week, Main, Party Food, Side, Snack

While our relationship with Alec Baldwin is volatile (let’s be honest, do any of the three of us have a non-volatile relationship?), it can not be denied that the man is an American icon and as such earns his place on our Americana Week celebrations.

We first met Alec on the set of Beetlejuice where we were his sworn enemies, but were won over while working together on Working Girl (we were script advisors) and it is this up and down between love and hate that has defined our relationship over the decades.

After we got him the role of The Shadow, he vowed to never turn away from us again and it was following its horrific release when he first used the term cocksucking faggot. The second time was after we called him useless in our lauded film, Team America.

Following years feuding and feeding information to Kim Basinger (we leaked the conversation with Ireland) and the paps, our dear friend Teens got in touch on his behalf, hoping that she can help mend our fences once and for all.

While the 30 Rock years were dreamy for our relationship, it has been strained ever since when he, again, referred to me as a cocksucking faggot to reporters. How dare he not mention that I was also beautiful? I do not tolerate sub-standard compliments (I don’t see how being a cocksucking faggot, isn’t a good thing).

Alec heard that we were in the country at the behest of Barack and wanted to try and win me back following his thoughtless oversights and as such, we dropped by.

To say Alec was laying on the charm is a major understatement, complimenting our high-Hollywood-society return (we assume he wants a career boost) and was hoping to get an invite to White House (please).

The only consolation we could offer was a batch of (his favourite) Buffalec Baldwin Chicken Meatball Poppers!

Like Alec, the balls are fiery and really pack a punch. If you’re not a fan of blue cheese, you could leave it out and ignore the stuffing steps.

Obviously Alec wanted me to leave in the cheese, he never could resist the creamy ooze from my balls popping in his mouth.

Enjoy!

Also guys, as we are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Friendster, FriendFace, Myspace and YouFace coming soon.

Buffalec Baldwin Chicken Meatball Poppers
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
2 tablespoons olive oil
¼ cup unsalted butter
⅓ cup hot sauce, plus more for serving
500g chicken mince
1 egg
½ cup celery, minced in food processor
½ cup carrot, minced in food processor
¾ cups dried breadcrumbs
1 teaspoons coarse salt
150g (ish) blue cheese, broken into small shards

Method
Preheat oven to 180 C.

Place butter and hot sauce in a small saucepan and cook, whisking, over low heat until butter is melted and hot sauce is well incorporated. Remove from heat and transfer to a bowl to cool until room temperature (about 10 minutes).

Add chicken, eggs, celery, carrot, breadcrumbs and salt to bowl with the butter/hot sauce mixture and mix until well combined. Roll chicken mixture into large walnut sized round balls, flatten and place a piece of blue cheese in the centre, closing the meat around it.

Place balls on a lined prepared baking sheet, arranging in rows so that they are touching. Transfer to oven and bake until cooked, about 15 minutes.

Take out of oven and leave to stand for about 5 minutes before serving platter. Drizzle with extra hot sauce if desired, otherwise just devour.

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Buffalec Baldwin Chicken Meatball Poppers