Meryl Streeped Fruits

The festive season is right around the corner and more importantly, our festive spectacular commences on Monday however being festive as fuck, we just knew that we had to catch up with our girl Meryl before we get blackout drunk and put on 50kgs.

For anyone desperate to claim fame for themselves by befriending and swindling celebrities (like how we originally started, now we’re indifferent to our fame/infamy), Meryl is your white whale; thrice awarded by The Academy, one time love interest to Rick Springfield and Allison Janney and lucky enough to have starred opposite the incomparable Roseanne Barr.

Plus she is so talented, that you couldn’t even tell that she was in excruciating pain listening to Pierce screech in Mamma Mia!

Meryl is a global treasure and the greatest thing to happen to the thespian community ever (well until my film debut in the film adaptation of my Tony Award winning Little Whorephan Andy: The Musical) and we are so honoured to be able to call her our friend.

We first met Meryl in rehab while she was researching her role in Postcards from the Edge – thanks to our advice, Mez was lucky enough to earn her ninth Academy Award nomination and our relationship was cemented by her eternal thanks. She didn’t realise it at the time but we had also inspired our girl Carrie to write Postcards from the Edge while in rehab together, giving us unparalleled perspective on the characters, as they were based on our numerous personalities.

Throughout the years, Meryl has stood by us; supporting us when we were in and out of jail/rehab/anger management, helping connect us with countless friends to help get our stories on the silver screen and letting us hang with her hundreds of awards, despite the fact we generally put them on eBay.

We haven’t seen Meryl in about a year due to the post traumatic stress disorder we got from watching the sixteen hour song that opened her rare flop, Into the Woods. (Seriously though, just get in the fucking woods and stop running your mouths). But Christmas is the time for forgiving and forgetting, and we are so glad Meryl was willing to drop by and help us with this year’s edible gift Meryl Streeped Fruits … and to move past the trauma.

Meryl is so down to earth and is a live wire, meaning her namesake needed to be something boozy, fun, earthy and little bit wild.

Trust us, this fits the bill – enjoy!

Meryl Streeped Fruits
Makes: Enough to fill a 500ml jar.

Ingredients
250g mixed dried fruit, I went with cherries, craisins, currants and raisins
250ml Grand Marnier, plus an extra 100ml

Method
Sterilise your jar/s – the dishwasher is probably your easiest route.

Once they have cooled, place the fruit in the jar and top with the 250ml of Grand Marnier. Seal the jars tightly and place in a cool dark place to steep for about four-five days.

The fruit, like me, will gobble up most of the booze so top it up with the extra Grand Marnier if needed after this time.

Then you’re free to go all Oprah and your loved ones. YOU get a jar! YOU get a jar! YOU get a jar!

We’re going to get BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZZYYYYYY!

Oh and if your filling multiple smaller jars, just spread your fruit and booze evenly amongst the jars. Yes, it is obvious and I’m sure you could figure that out – but what if you couldn’t?

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Abi-Maria GoMezze Plate

Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Let us all pause and have a moment silence as our dear, sweet, feisty Abi-Maria was once again booted a week before the finale. Albeit this time, in an episode marked by dueling golden showers and Demon Tasha aka DT.

Speaking of DT, she has had many moments of insufferability however it was the callous way she cut our beautiful friend Abi AND mocked the dreamiest castaway of the season Keith, that finally cemented her status as the most dislikable cast member. Probably ever.

And before you even start rumours, no, we had nothing to do with her “near” drowning.

Either way, welcome back to the fold, Dr Joe! What a shame Wigles couldn’t secure as much screen time in her triumphant return.

But I’ve digressed.

As you could easily assume, our history with our close friend Abi-Maria pre-dates her appearances on Survivor after meeting in our Nicki Minaj led anger management. Nicki saw the brilliant, calm natures we all possessed and bonded us like a sisterhood, thankfully without a weird pair of pants for us all to share.

We spent the following years being zen and hanging out before deciding that one if not all of us should compete on Survivor to get closer to Probst’s bed. As Abi was the only one eligible, we through all of our resources behind getting her on the show and rigging a cast of clowns for her to dominate.

Then Annelie and I met Malcolm and tragically for Abi (but wonderfully for us), we fell into bed with him and went about rigging the season with him in mind. We could go on but long story short, we went into court ordered sex therapy, were treated by Denise who then weaseled her way on to the season and stole the win from our true friends by whispering our names to Malcs during final immunity to spook him.

It was a rough few months after the truth came out to Abs, but we felt it only fair that we be dead to her for all the pain and heartache we had caused. Thankfully her kind heart shone through and she forgave us during the Anti-RC AGM.

Going into Second Chances, Abi had the odds stacked against her but thanks to her plucky determination and general charm, she was able to weave her way through the pre-merge game and a horror stint on Angkor to sit pretty behind her witch shield at the merge.

Sadly her sterling resume and on point voting record got the better of her and she was sent to our open arms in Ponderosa as a jury threat to devour our Abi-Maria GoMezze Plate!

Like Abi, the plate is spicy, sweet and everything you need in life and more. Well done sweet angel – we can’t wait to rig Heroes vs. Villains 2 for you!

Enjoy!

Abi-Maria GoMezze Plate
Serves: 6-8, or 1 blindsided juror, her emotionally unstable friends and Savage’s teen headwear.

Ingredients
Hummus
400g can of chickpeas, reserving some of the liquid
2 tsp tahini
1 garlic clove, crushed
½ tsp crushed sea salt
3 tbsp quality extra virgin olive oil
2 tbsp freshly squeezed lemon juice
Smoked paprika, to garnish
Parsley leaves, to garnish

Meatballs
1 kg beef mince
1 large red onion, grated
½ bunch dill, finely chopped
2 tbsp dried spearmint leaves
1 tbsp dried chilli
1 tsp cumin
1 cup short grain rice
1 tsp salt
50 ml olive oil
2 cups passata
1 lemon, juiced

Dolmades (thanks SBS, I had no idea)
220 grams long-grain rice (rinsed)
2 tsps ground allspice
1 tsp chili flakes (dried)
1/2 tsp chili powder
1 tsp dried oregano
1 bunch mint leaves (chopped)
1/2 bunch Italian parsley leaves (chopped)
3 tomatoes (roughly chopped)
1 purple onion (finely chopped)
2 lemon (1 zested, 2 juiced, plus extra wedges, to serve)
80 vine leaves (soaked in cold water for 30 minutes)
185 ml olive oil
4 garlic cloves (peeled)

Lemon & Chili Potatoes
3 small potatoes
clove of garlic, crushed and chopped
1 tbsp chilli flakes
juice of one lemon
2-3 tbsp oil

Haloumi
500g haloumi
Olive oil, for frying
Lemon wedges, to serve
Salt and pepper

Roasted peppers, stripped
Olives
Pita, toasted and cut into strips

Method
Hummus
Rinse the chickpeas in cold water and blitz in a food processor with the tahini, crushed garlic, salt, lemon juice and a generous dash of the reserved chickpea liquid, slowly pouring oil in as you go.

When smooth and at the desired consistency, place into a serving dish. Drizzle with some more extra virgin olive oil and sprinkle with paprika or finely chopped parsley leaves, for colour.

Meatballs
Preheat oven to 180C.

Combine the mince, onion, dill, spearmint, chilli, cumin, rice, salt and olive oil and roll into fat walnut sized balls and placing into a large baking dish.

Cover with the passata and bake for about 40 minutes until meat is cooked.

Remove from the oven and pour over the lemon juice and serve with some of the cooking liquid.

Dolmades
Cook rice in boiling salted water for 8 minutes or until par-cooked. Drain, refresh under cold running water, then drain again. Cool slightly.

Place rice, allspice, chilli flakes and powder, oregano, mint, parsley, tomatoes, onion and lemon zest in a bowl and mix to combine.

To assemble, place 2 heaped teaspoons of rice mixture in centre of a leaf (leaves should be 12 cm x 12 cm; layer 2 leaves if necessary). Fold in sides and roll up to enclose filling, then place upright in a saucepan. Repeat with remaining rice mixture and leaves, ensuring dolmades are snugly packed in pan.

Whisk lemon juice and oil in a bowl and pour over dolmades. Stuff garlic in between dolmades, then cover and cook over low heat for 1½ hours or until rice and leaves are tender (add extra oil or water if liquid has evaporated). Cool to room temperature, then refrigerate for at least 3 hours or until cold. Serve with extra lemon wedges.

Lemon & Chilli Potatoes
Preheat oven to 200C.

Finely slice potatoes into 5mm half-moon discs, coat in oil and bake in the oven for 15 minutes.

Sprinkle with garlic and chilli and bake for a further 5 minutes. Remove from the oven, pour over the lemon juice and add a good whack of salt and pepper.

Devour.

Haloumi
Cut haloumi into 5mm slices. Heat frying pan up and drizzle with olive oil. Cook haloumi for around 3 minutes, turning just once.

Serve and season with salt and pepper, squeezing lemon juice over the top.

Plating
Roasted peppers, stripped
Olives
Pita, toasted and cut into strips

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Roasted Chickpeter Dinklage

Party Food, Snack

Pete is just such a delightful, delightful man.

As I mentioned earlier, Annelie and I caused a major scene on the Game of Thrones set during season one which had a highly negative impact on Dinkie’s relationship with the rest of the cast.

The incident? Obviously Annelie and I were both competing to mother Khal Drogo’s dragon, found out about the other’s advances and had an epic Dynasty style fight that would go on to inspire Viserys’ death scene. Let’s just say, I now wear a wig.

Anyway, Dinkie had vouched for us to get us the job and tried to stop us during the altercation, resulting in the premature beheading of our dear friend Dead Stark. He was painfully hurt by our indiscretion and vowed that the Master of Coin would never talk to the Masters of Bate again.

It was tragic, but we deserved it.

Thankfully, fate knew that our friendship was too important and intervened when I ran into Dinkie at Clement Clarke Moore Park in Chelsea. Impressed by my niece’s charm and the fact that I was, for some reason, trusted to keep a two-year-old alive, he reached out and extended his forgiveness and renewed friendship.

We spent the last festive season wandering the High Line, brunching at the Standard and (much to his chagrin) heckling commoners from the top of the Flatiron Building – the only thing missing, was Annelie.

Wanting to make up for missing out, Dinkie requested that our catch-up be absolutely perfect, which to us means plenty of booze and a batch of Roasted Chickpeter Dinklage.

Roasted chickpeas are super simple and can pretty much be seasoned with anything (lemon, pepper and Parmesan is pretty delicious) so play around until you get the taste you want. Obviously we went for something spicy, like you would expect in King’s Landing.

Enjoy!

Roasted Chickpeter Dinklage
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
400g can chickpeas
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp sriracha sauce
½ tsp honey
dash cumin
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Preheat oven to 200°C.

Drain the chickpeas and rinse thoroughly for a minute to clean off the beans. Drain off the extra water and pour out onto a tray lined with paper towel and dry, again, thoroughly. Discard any skins and paper towels and lay the chickpeas back out over the tray.

Drizzle the olive oil, sriracha, honey and spices over the chickpeas and use your hands to coat.

Roast for 30-40 minutes until the beans are golden and crunchy, keeping an eye on them to avoid burning.

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Nicki Spinaj and Cheese Triangles

Main, Party Food, Side, Snack

Like us, our close friend Nicki was always destined for fame and I would argue, that is what first drew us together at the anger management facility.

While we have a strong friendship with Nickers’, based on trust, respect and non-physical rage, there have been notable feuds in our past. I mean, who can tolerate Sophia-Grace and Woesie. Eye-roll emoji.

Despite questionable taste in hangers-on like them, I guess we are proof that sometimes they can turn out alright, and knowing that, always helps bring us back together.

After leaving the facility – thanks to Nickers’ glowing recommendation – we convinced her that her talents were wasted helping people and that she needed to do something truly meaningful like rapping and feuding with Mariah.

(The only good thing Mariah can do is a Christmas album, let’s be honest).

Nek minute, Nicki was flying high like a starship and became a global sensation with us by her side to help her scheme, feud and throw some glorious side eye. Fun fact, the what’s good phrase is Annelie’s go to throwdown line if I eat the last piece of cake.

Such a spicy, exciting bond can only be summed up by one thing – our Nicki Spinaj and Cheese triangles.

Cheese is literally the best thing to ever happen to the planet (aside from us and wine) and well, any receptacle that helps get hot, gooey cheese from a plate to my mouth is a win. Throw in the freshness of spinach and dill and you’ve got a heavenly, creamy-sharp orgy happening in your mouth.

Enjoy!

Nicki Spinaj and Cheese Triangles
Makes: 24.

Ingredients
375g frozen spinach, thawed
125g Greek feta, crumbled
125g ricotta, crumbled
1 tablespoon dill, chopped
2 eggs, lightly beaten
salt and pepper, to taste
375g pack filo pastry
oil, for brushing

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Drain all of liquid from the spinach and mix in a medium bowl with the feta, ricotta, dill, eggs, salt and pepper, until combined.

Brush oil between three layers of pastry and place on top of each other. Cut pastry into three long strips.

Place about a tablespoon of the mixture in a corner of each strip. Fold diagonally to form a triangle and then repeat with remaining filo and spinach mixture until all used up.

Place parcels (join-side down) on a baking tray and brush with oil, and bake for 15 to 18 minutes until crisp.

Serve with sweet chili, a spicy tomato sauce or aioli. Or by themselves.

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Kelly Piglesworth In Blankets

Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly – we barely knew thee!

While Kelly Wiglesworth was the poster-child for the concept of the entire Second Chances season, it has widely been noted that after the first episode she disappeared – ladies and gentlemen that is because, we are 63% sure, she did.

You see, being out on location we were privy to a lot of behind the scenes content and rumours and there were definitely times when it appeared Wiggity was replaced by a hologram or a cardboard cut-out, so that she could practice yoga and avoid fielding Probsty’s questions.

We first met our dear friend Wiggity in Mexico, when we were at an exclusive health retreat (aka rehab). Wigs was the Rafting Activities Director of the retreat and fell for us because opposites attract (she loved our animated stair dancing too).

She was living far of the grid at the time, and still is, but found our passion for technological interconnectedness intriguing, arousing and mildly terrifying – our passionate devotion to her as the first, first-loser of Survivor probably helped the bond a little too.

Despite having what felt like one confessional during the entire nine episodes, Kelly will always be a star to us … despite forming a very close bond with our future lover, Joe. As an aside, how glorious was Joe’s shower scene?

Anyway, we were thrilled she was away from our man, but sad that once again she failed to join the winner’s circle – thankfully we had our Kelly Piglesworth in Blankets to cheer us up (slash soak up the alcohol from Kass and Savage’s continuing bender)

We’ve always been honest about our love of trashy, tasty food and our Piglesworth in Blankets definitely fit the bill – pillowy, cheesy dough, hugging a sausage? Delicious. Not dignified, but delicious.

It makes me miss Joe …

Enjoy!

Kelly Piglesworth in Blankets
Makes: 48 … which is enough for one disinterested castaway who got their torch snuffed for the first time after 15 years on the bench and two boozey co-jurors that are falling in love.

Ingredients
2 ½ cups plain flour
5 tsp baking powder
1 heaped tsp salt
2 tbsp grated Parmesan
1 cup milk
1 egg
3 tablespoons olive oil
48 pork chipolatas
1 egg whisked with a dash of milk, to glaze

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C.

Place 2 cups of flour in a bowl with the salt and parmesan, combining with a fork. Beat the milk, egg and oil to combine and add to the dry ingredients, mixing as you go. Trust your gut, if the dough seems dry, add more milk, too wet, add more flour.

Split the dough into two pieces. Roll one on a lightly floured surface to make a 5mm thick rectangle. Cut the dough into 5cm-ish strips and then each strip into 7cm(again ish) lengths.

Working a chipolata at a time, wrap the dough around the sausage, squeezing the overlap together to complete the sausage-snuggie and place on a lined baking sheet. Repeat the process until the dough is gone, roll out the second sheet of dough, slice it up and repeat the wrapping.

You’ll probably need two large baking sheets.

Using a pastry brush, glaze the dough; place them in the oven and bake for 12 to 15 minutes.

Remove from the oven, leave to cool for ten/fifteen minutes and then devour … preferably with wine, Kass, Savage and a cut-out/hologram of Wiggy.

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

(Oh and hi Reddit, we love you – particularly /u/Shuberto, this is for you)

Spiced PumpKen Todd Muffins

Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Ken is such a doll – you have no idea!

While I had the pleasure of catching up with Ken for drinks at PUMP just after seeing Lisa last year, poor Annelie wasn’t able to attend and, I think, has been struggling with missing our Hollywood father-figure a little more than I do.

As fans would know, Ken is kind, thoughtful and loving man and despite being solo (he didn’t want Giggy to end up in a Pistol and Boo scenario) he filled our house with so much heart!

Ken regaled us with spoilers from the upcoming season of RHOBH (you’ll never guess who Rinna glasses this year), while we gave thanks for our achievements over the last year and brainstormed ideas for the next venue in the Vanderpump-Todd dining dynasty.

Given that our date was to celebrate an early thanksgiving, and Ken is such a sweetie, we had to go with our Spiced PumpKen Todd Muffins.

Pumpkin is probably one of my favourite ingredients, the sweetness mixed with the earthy, rich, woodiness is so versatile and so delicious.

Add it to a cinnamon coated muffin and you’re in heaven. Enjoy!

Spiced PumpKen Todd Muffins
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
small butternut pumpkin, baked and blitzed into a puree (you’ll need 1 ¼ cups puree)
140g unsalted butter, room temperature
3 cups plain flour
2 ½ tsp baking powder
¼ tsp baking soda
1 tsp coarse salt
½ tsp ground nutmeg
¼ tsp ground allspice
⅓ cup buttermilk
¾ cup dark brown sugar
2 large eggs
¾ cup raw caster sugar
2 ½ tsp ground cinnamon

Method
Preheat oven to 200°C. Place the pumpkin on a lined tray and baking for about 50 minutes. Remove from the oven, slice in half, seed and leave to cool for about half an hour. Once cooled blitz into a puree in a blender or food processor.

Reduce the heat of the oven to 170°C.

Whisk the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, nutmeg, and allspice together in a medium bowl. In a separate bowl, whisk together the buttermilk and pumpkin puree.

In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar on medium speed of an electric mixer until fluffy and pale brown. Beat in the eggs, one at a time. Reduce the mixer to low and add a third of the flour mixture, then add half the buttermilk-puree hybrid, followed by another third of flour, the rest of the buttermilk-puree and then, you guessed it, the last of the flour.

Divide the mixture evenly amongst 8 lined Texas muffin tins and bake for 30 minutes or until a skewer comes out clean. Let muffins cool for 10 minutes on a wire rack in the pan.

While they are cooling, combine the caster sugar and cinnamon in a small bowl.

One at a time, remove the muffins from the pan and toss in the sugar mixture until coated and place on the wire rack. Repeat until they are done.

Devour.

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Cherry Deitz Pie

Dessert, Pie, Snack, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance, Sweets

OK guys, we have to start by saying this week’s episode was pretty tragic and was an absolutely horrible way for our dear friend Terry Deitz to leave the game.

A game he waited close to ten years to return for.

As you would’ve seen, Probst woke up Deitz with any sane person’s dream line “hey, it’s me Probst” (albeit clothed and not looking for intimacy), to advise Terry that his son was in hospital needing a heart transplant. While the story has a happy ending, in that his son has had a successful transplant and is doing well, the agony that Terry must have been feeling during his journey home was something we knew that even our cooking could not fix.

With that in mind, we got out our time machine and whipped up the pie before the season started and swore Tez to secrecy with the lie that production wanted him well fed and to succeed. Being kind and naive enough to ignore the historical proof of our duplicitous behaviour, he bought it.

We’ve known Terry a long time, having met while he was in the Navy, after Annelie and I decided during a bender that we needed to find ourselves strapping men in uniform. While I took the term ‘in the navy’ too literally for general liking, Terry saw us for the lost kids that we were and helped us become the people we are today.

Just imagine how much worse we could have been.

As Survivor’s Captain America, there was no other option than our Cherry Deitz Pie for his pre-game, retconned boot party. Between the tragic way his Second Chance came to an end and Varner just being amazing, we can expect Third Chance pretty soon, right?

The tartness of the cherry and acid of the lemon work together to make a pie is sharp and sweet all at once. The irony being, you can’t stop at one piece.

Join us tomorrow when we hang with our friend (who became our nemesis and then friend again) and latest boot, Woo – enjoy!

Cherry Deitz Pie
Serves: 8-10.

Ingredients
2 ½ cups plain flour, plus extra for rolling out the dough
1 tsp salt
1 tsp sugar
225g cold unsalted butter, diced
½ cup ice water
1kg cherries, pitted and halved
½ cup raw caster sugar
2 tbsp tapioca flour
2 tbsp fresh lemon juice
1 large egg, beaten
1 tbsp raw sugar

Method
Combine flour, salt, and sugar in a large bowl. Add butter and using your fingers, rub the butter with the flour until it resembles breadcrumbs/wet sand.

Add in half the cold water and combine; you want the dough to be crumbly aka short but to hold together when squeezed. If it is still dry, add water a few tablespoons at a time until it reaches the right consistency.

Split the dough in half and form into roughly 2cm discs. Wrap in cling wrap and refrigerate for about an hour. Preheat oven to 190°C.

On a floured bench, roll out a disc of dough (leave the second one in the fridge) under non-stick paper until about 3mm thick. Carefully place the dough into a 22cm pie dish, fitting into the bottom and sides without stretching the dough. Trim the dough, leaving about a 3cm overhang and place in the fridge while you prepare the filling.

Combine cherries, caster sugar, tapioca flour and lemon juice in a large bowl, stirring to coat the cherries. Remove the dish from the oven and fill with the cherry mixture.

Take the remaining disc of dough out of the fridge and repeat the rolling out process. When done, slice into long, 3cm wide strips. Carefully weave the strips over the filling to form a lattice (like with the Fiona Apple Pie), leaving about a centimetre of overhang at each end. Fold the edge of the pie over the ends of the lattice and crimp with a fork around the edge, discarding any excess pastry.

Brush the top with beaten egg and sprinkle with the raw sugar. Bake for about an hour until the pastry is crisp and golden and the filling is bubbling, reducing the heat until 160°C after about 40 minutes.

Remove from oven and allow to cool for a few hours before devouring.

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Bruce Springsteen Roll

Main, Party Food, Snack

There is nothing quite as joyous and beautiful as catching up with your best friend; while it has been about five years since we last saw Brucey, it felt like no time had passed at all!

After meeting Bruce aka Brucey, Steeny, Springo or pal, in school our bond seemed unbreakable, with he and Annelie touring the bar circuit of New Jersey while I did everything in my power to bring down their rivals via torrid affairs.

While I was successful in ruining many a career on the way to Bruce’s success (without Bruce knowing, he enjoyed competition), our relationship hit a rough patch in 1984 when he invited (then) two-bit floozy Courteney Cox (we are friends, now) up on stage during his film-clip for Dancing in the Dark.

As you would expect, I ran straight to the tabloids to punish him for this indiscretion resulting in an eight-year feud and a string of voodoo and/or arson attempts near the Jersey shorelines.

Wanting to make amends after a stint in rehab, as well as the completion of a court-ordered anger management course, I reached out to Bruce and once again became his muse … eventually leading to an Academy Award for the song The Streets of Philadelphia.

We pulled up to the airport to pick-up Bruce to see him standing out front looking all dreamy, like the cover of Born on the USA – I mean, we would have taken him home and fought to the death for him, even if he wasn’t our friend.

I don’t know what it is about reminiscing about school, but it is something that definitely needs liquor, which in turns means you need drinking snacks at the ready – obviously our delicious Bruce Springsteen Rolls made the menu!

These little snacks pack the right amount of sweetness and spice and are the perfect accompaniment for an afternoon of being serenaded by your close friend over a beer.

Enjoy!

Bruce Springsteen Roll
Serves: 50.

Ingredients
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 tsp sake
2 tbsp oyster sauce
freshly ground black pepper
1 tsp cornflour
2 tbsp cooking oil, aka anything with a low smoke-point
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 tsp grated fresh ginger
3 shallots, finely sliced
2 carrots, grated
½ head of chinese cabbage, shredded
1 red chilli, finely sliced
100g shitake mushrooms, finely sliced
500g chicken mince
50g vermicelli noodles, soaked in water and drained
3 tbsp toasted peanuts, crushed
1 tbsp five spice powder
50 spring roll wrappers, defrosted
extra cooking oil, for brushing

Method
Combine the soy, sake, oyster sauce, pepper and the teaspoon of cornflour in a measuring jug; leave aside.

Heat a large pan over high heat, adding in the oil and swirling when hot. Quickly add the shallots, garlic and ginger and toss for 30 seconds, taking care not to burn them. Stirring well, add in the carrots, cabbage, chilli and mushroom, before reducing the heat to medium-high. Stir fry the vegetables for 2 minutes, or until the carrots have softened.

Remove cooked vegetables to a dish and add the chicken mince to the pan, breaking up the meat as you brown it. When the chicken is done, add the soy liquid, noodles and vegetables to the pan and combine. Remove from heat and allow to cool. When cooled, drain out any liquid.

Preheat oven to 180C and line two baking sheets.

Open the packet of spring roll wrappers, covering with a just damp towel to prevent drying out. Pour some cold water into a glass for brushing.

Place a wrapper out on the bench, add a tablespoon of the mixture in the middle at one end in a cigar shape. Roll wrapper over to cover the filling, fold both sides in and roll the spring roll up (this video has another wrapping technique, if I make no sense). Brush with water and place on baking sheet, covering with another just damp cloth.

Repeat the process until you run out of wrappers or filling.

Once done, remove the cloth, brush all of the rolls with oil and bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Devour with your favourite condiment, trying to avoid flinging sriracha all over your kitchen when shaking the bottle. Unless these are for a Halloween party in which case, boom, instant bloodbath decoration!

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Amy Poehlenta Chips

Party Food, Side, Snack, Treat Yo' Self Week

While she may have never participated in the joy and wonder of treat yo’ self day on screen (I would argue Leslie felt her life was a treat anyway), we could look no further than Parks star, Emmy Award snubee, victim of our stalking (rewritten thanks to time travel) and co-best person in the world, Amy Poehler, to finish off Treat Yo’ Self Week.

We have documented our long struggles with trying to secure Ames’ friendship; when stalking / catfishing as Hollywood heavyweight Anneljamin Juddailes via Adam Scott didn’t work, we opted to rewrite history and join her BFF (now one of her BFFs) Teens at the Delaware County Summer Showtime.

After connecting with Ames via Teens at Second City (our nefarious plot worked), we immediately became best friends and have been living the good life with the Queens of Comedy ever since! Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar that we were heavily involved in the successful reshaping of Leslie Knope, all of Amy’s Award Show gags and generally controlling her life like a Momager – she is Kim to our Kris!

While Amy was present for our ugliness with Lorne Michaels and the subsequent lifetime ban at 30 Rock, she was kind enough to base Parks out of L.A. so we could still be involved in her life and members of her entourage. Who else is going to beat the shit out of Edie “Mrs. Soprano” Falco when she crosses her? Exactly.

Ames’ is on a break from filming and between press circuits for the world’s saddest, most soul crushing movie Inside Out and the upcoming Oscar winning, box-office breaking hit Sisters so dropped by to relax and treat herself to our glorious Amy Poehlenta Chips.

Between the sharp cheese, the whack of herbs and the hint of chilli, I have nothing to say other than the fact these are just as glorious as their namesake – love you Ames!

Amy Poehlenta Chip? Treat yo’ self. Treat yo’ self, indeed!

Amy Poehlenta Chips
Serves: 6

Ingredients
2 cups chicken stock
1 cup instant polenta
1 cup parmesan, grated
25g butter
½ cup rosemary leaves, chopped
sea salt and cracked black pepper
200g ricotta
2 tbsp chilli flakes
olive oil
1 tbsp sea salt flakes
1 tbsp sage, chopped

Method
Place the stock in a large saucepan and bring to the boil over medium heat.

Reduce heat to low and while whisking, gradually add the polenta – continuing for a couple of minutes before removing from the heat.

Throw in the parmesan, butter, rosemary and season with salt and pepper, generously with the pepper, and give a good stir. Cover with cling and leave to cool for 15-20 minutes.

Once cooled, fold through the ricotta and place the cheesy, polenta-y goodness in a lined small (20cm-ish) square cake tin and refrigerate until set, about six hours.

Preheat oven to 180C.

Remove the baking paper, and obviously the polenta with it, and slice into 2cm square matchsticks. Layer the chips on a lined baking sheet, drizzled with olive oil and bake for 50-20 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

While the chips are baking, combine the sage and salt. When the chips are done, allow the cool for 5 minutes before coating in the sage salt and devouring. Preferably with some Coolaioli.

You know Amy would like that.

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Snickerdoodle Offerman

Snack, Sweets, Treat Yo' Self Week

Let me just start by saying that Nick Offerman is an American Hero and a Saint.

I first met Nick through his wife and on-screen ex-wife, Megan Mullally Tammy 2 – I first connected with Megsy on the set of her first credit in Risky Business where I was working as Tom Cruise’s fluffer (oh the humanity). Given our penchant for peen and love of smutty humour, we quickly became best friends and I acted as Maid of Dishonour at her wedding to Nick Offerman, American Hero.

As soon as Megs met Nick I knew he was the one for her and despite an unbridled jealousy that he wasn’t attracted to me, I was able to contain my pain, anger and arousal enough to become his pal and confidante.

After starring in a disturbing number of films with Sandra Bullock, Annelie and I became heavily involved in shaping his career, leading to him collaborating with Megsy and landing his breakout role playing my ideal man Ron Swanson. While we pushed him in the direction of Parks as part of our shameless attempt to stalk and befriend Amy Poehler, it truly was the role of he was born to play.

Nick was only able to drop in for a short visit, what with him coming back to Australia early next year, but he always makes time for his best friends particularly given our love of Treat Yo’ Self Week. Plus, a Snickerdoodle Offerman is a pretty good way to sweeten the deal.

We first whipped up these sweet delights to celebrate Parks’ second season renewal in honour of Ron and the strapping man, our friend, who played him.

The richness of the dark muscovado sugar and the whisky is perfectly cut by the salty bacon, making for the perfect biscuit fit for a Pawnee Parks Director.

Whiskey bacon snickerdoodles? TREAT. YO’. SELF.

Snickerdoodle Offerman
Makes: 24.

Ingredients
3 rashers streaky bacon
3 tbsps whiskey, preferably Lagavulin
⅓ cup + 2 tbsp dark muscovado sugar
1 ⅔ cups plain flour
½ tsp ground nutmeg
¾ tsp baking powder
½ tsp salt
½ cup butter, at room temperature
2 tbsp caster sugar
1 large egg
1 tbsp cinnamon

Method
Finely dice the bacon, emphasis on finely, and cook in a small frypan over medium heat until crispy. When crispy, add 2 tbsp of whiskey and 2 tbsp of the muscovado and cook off until sticky and glorious. Leave to cool for about an hour.

Preheat oven to 180C.

Sift the flour, nutmeg, baking powder and salt into a medium bowl.

In a large bowl, cream the butter with the ⅓ cup sugar in a stand mixer on medium until light in texture and caramelly in colour. With the mixer still running, beat in the egg and remaining whiskey.

Reduce speed to low and slowly combine in dry ingredients and the sticky bacon goop until you have a smooth, coherent mixture.

Place the caster sugar and cinnamon in a large bowl and quickly mix around.

With your hands, pinch out a meatball sized piece of dough and roll into balls between the palms of your hands. Roll in the cinnamon-sugar mixture and place on a large lined baking sheet. Obviously repeating the process until they are all done. There may be some cinnamon sugar left, but leave that for later.

Place the cookies in the oven and bake for roughly 15 minutes, or until they are golden brown. Remove them from the oven and leave to rest for a minute.

I am a cinnamon fiend, so at this point I re-roll the hot snickerdoodles in the cinnamon sugar and transfer to cool on a wire rack. Or you know, just devour immediate and treat yo’ self to some third-degree mouth burns.

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

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