Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

Sail Away

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Call it the luck of the irish but Enya has finally reached out to end our long simmering feud. I won’t go into too many details at the moment, mainly because I was completely at fault, but I am so thankful that she can see I’m the pot of gold at the end of her rainbow.

Honestly, I’m not even trying to make that sexual.

I first met Enya after bamboozling her parents into hiring me as a beer wench – my chosen job title, not theirs – at their pub in the mid 70s.

Having a keen eye for talent … that I can ride the coat-tails of, I was immediately drawn to Ens and played an integral part in her successes.

What says I (guess I) am sorry for the trauma I caused and I want the pain you feel to just sail away?

Sail away.

Sail away.

Picture source: Unknown.

 

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Cookiki Dee

Baking, Dessert, Sweets

I’ve always said that once you’ve forced someone to administer at home, self-designed electroshock therapy, you truly are bonded for life. Keeks, obvs, being my case-in-point.

After meeting as part of Dusty’s entourage, Kiki took me in and my gratitude lead to 96.7% of her successes. We left the back-up singer scene as I groomed her for greatness by acting as her image consultant, coining her stage name, writing her songs and giving her extensive albeit un-required  vocal coaching (amongst many other tasks), leading to her signing by Motown records in the 70s.

Then Elton happened and they couldn’t break my heart, even if they tried.

At the time I was pioneering colonic procedures and Elton, who I had taken as a part-time lover / songwriting partner, after being hired to manage the percentage of sequin and sparkle on his clothing, was one of my first clients. Maybe he found a qualified technician and that caused our feud – who knows?

Either way, Elty begged me to introduce him to Keeks and allow him to take the male vocals of their hit duet Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart and, being cock whipped, did. Birthing the world’s greatest duet … behind Doll and Ken.

Keeks and I have lost touch a bit in the late 90s when I, and I’m sorry to say this, forgot she existed. Thankfully Singstar happened and we reconnected.

Keeks is thankfully doing great and is just as effervescent as she was when we first met – we even dueted on my roof top for my irate neighbours. At least we had some excess Cookiki Dees to throw out as a reward / use as weapons against any critics.

 

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I have probably mentioned it before – and if I haven’t, I am very disappointed in myself – but I fucking love me some Milk Bar. It is somewhere that I would (and literally have) trudge through a blizzard to get to for a bagel bomb, cereal milk and crack pie. If you are within 50km – or whatever the equivalent in miles is – run, go there now and devour one of everything … EVERYTHING, in my honour.

As someone that worships at the altar of Christina Tosi and David Chang, I routinely try to emulate their creations with mediocre-at-best success to delicious success (see: Alexander Smarsbård Cake). These chocolate, pretzel and peanut delights, thankfully, fall toward the latter end of the spectrum; salty, milky and chewy … they are delicious.

And make me miss Elts – enjoy!

 

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Cookiki Dee
Makes: 12-16.

Ingredients
225g unsalted butter, room temperature
1 ¼  cups raw caster sugar
⅔ cup packed muscovado sugar
1 large egg
½ tsp vanilla extract
1 ½ cups flour
1 ¼ tsp coarse salt
½ tsp baking powder
¼ tsp baking soda
⅔ cup mini chocolate chips
⅓ cup peanut butter chips
1 cup mini marshmallows

Pretzel peanut crunch
2 cups pretzels
1 cup peanuts, roughly chopped
⅓ cup milk powder
3 tbsp caster sugar
1 tsp coarse salt
130g butter, melted

Method
Preheat the oven to 135°C and get cracking on the crunch.

Place the pretzels in a medium bowl and crush with your hands until they are small 1cm-ish chunks, this is particularly great if you sit near a chatty Cathy, friendship-rapist at work and need to work through your rage.

Add the milk powder, sugar and salt and give a good toss to combine. Again, missing Elts right now. Stir through the butter until it comes together into crumbs.

Place cornflakes in a medium bowl. Using your hands, crush to one-quarter of their original size. Add peanuts, milk powder, sugar, and salt; toss to combine. Add butter and toss to form small clusters.

Spread the mixture in an even layer on a large, lined baking sheet and bake until the clusters are toasted, crisp and buttery, about 20 minutes. Remove from oven and leave to cool completely.

Once the clusters are cool, get to work creaming the butter and sugars in the large bowl of an electric mixer, using the paddle attachment, for about 3 minutes on medium-high speed. Scrape down the sides, add the egg and vanilla and return to medium-high speed for a further 8 minutes.

Yes, 8 … and it makes all the difference.

Once the butter is fluffy and glorious, turn the mixer off and add the flour, salt, bakings powder and soda. Remove the paddle and mix until it is combined enough not to go all over the kitchen.

Return the paddle to the mixer and turn on to the lowest setting, add the crunch, chocolate and peanut butter chips and marshmallows and mix until combined. About a minute.

Line a couple of large baking sheet with greaseproof paper. Using a ⅓ cup measuring … cup, portion the  dough out onto prepared baking sheet, leaving about 10cm between each dollop. Pat the top of the dough flat, wrap tightly with cling and refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Trust me from experience/the photos, do not bake the cookies from room temperature or they will not hold their shape and you carve them out of the pan. Still delicious, but not as sexy.

Preheat oven to 190°C.

Once the dough has netflixed and chilled, transfer to the oven and bake until puffed, cracked, spread and lightly browned on the edges, about 18 minutes … but keep watch anywhere after 10, ok?

Remove from the oven and leave to cool completely on baking sheets. If you can.

 

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The music in me

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

As you should know by now, I was once a dear friend of Elton’s … until he coined the term vile pig to describe me. We’ve now been viciously feuding for 20 years, give or take (I really should contact him to celebrate our anniversary soon).

Anyway, I’m not here to talk more about my ongoing feud – Kiki Dee is dropping by and I could not be happier!

I first met Keeks in the early 60s – fun off-topic fact, I convinced the creators of The O.C. to give Kirsten the nickname Kiki due to our bond, but I’ve digressed … but when don’t I.  We were both singing backing vocals for Dusty Springfield at the time.

Kiki could see that I was making poor choices (which rubbed off on Dusty), took me in and helped me detox, which at the time involved a lot of electroshock therapy which we did at home using a fork and power points. Sure it wasn’t safe, but the 60s hold my record for most days sober.

What says thanks for getting me on the straight-as-I-could-ever-be and narrow, more than orchestrating the majesty of Don’t Go Breaking My Heart?

Picture source: BBC.co.uk

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Keanachu Reeves

Main

I tell you, Keanu is like a fine red wine – and no I don’t mean he stains my teeth if I’m dehydrated – he just gets better and better with age.

While he has had more misses than hits since The Matrix saga concluded, Keanu has never once held that against me despite the fact I am his closest, unpaid advisor. That being said, he decided to co-star again with Sandy fucking Bullock against my judgement and that is definitely his worst film of the 00s and obviously I argue that is the reason for the slowing of decent offers.

I guess it is hard to hold my other terrible advice against me, given I’ve been making questionable choices for the entire duration of our friendship. From getting him expelled, to forcing him into taking pay cuts to bump up the wages of my other friends Gene and Al or robbing banks with Lori Petty and inspiring both Point Break and her stint in Orange is the New Black, my choices have never been great.

But Keanu always stands behind me, although only figuratively after Speed.

Despite our love affair ending after the meddling of Bitchy McBullfuck, I always try to keep my options open with him by keeping the spice in our relationship … which is where my Keanachu Reeves comes into play.

 

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I’ve oft spoken about my love of spice and melt your insides hot chilli – and if you’ve missed it, your homework is to re-read every article. Actually, while you’re there can you proof all my past posts and point out all my sausage-finger typos and drunken grammatical errors – I just, kind of can’t be bothered doing it myself but know that I should, you know?

Anyway … way off course. Keanachu is a gangbang (I wish) of my George Takeios, Chilli con Kim Carnes, Chipotlenny Kravitz Burritos and Candace Cameron Bure-ito Bowls because, full disclosure, I just throw any and all spices, chillis and beans into a pot when cooking Mexican and hope for the best.

It is yet to fail me, so enjoy – Keanachu is as delicious as its namesake.

 

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Keanachu Reeves
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, finely diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
500g beef mince
½ red capsicum, diced
½ green capsicum diced
1 tbsp chilli powder
1 tbsp ground cumin
1 tsp oregano
½ tsp cayenne pepper
2 chipotles in adobo, finely minced
400g can crushed tomatoes
400g can kidney beans, drained and rinsed
salt and pepper, to season
1 cup grated cheddar cheese
f-loads of corn/tortilla chips
guac, to serve – you don’t have to pay extra though
sour cream, to serve

Method
Heat the oil in a large pan over medium heat. Reduce to low and add the onion and the garlic, sweating until they are soft, translucent and smell glorious. Add the mince, breaking up with the back of a spoon, until it is starting to brown.

Increase to a medium heat and add the capsicum and spices, stirring to combine and release the flavours. Add the chipotles, tomatoes, kidney beans and a good whack of salt and pepper and, again, stir to combine. If it is too thick, add a bit of water and reduce to a low heat, again, and leave to simmer, half-cockedcovered for 15-20 minutes.

Preheat oven 180°C.

Layer chips, be them corn or tortilla, on the base of a large baking dish, top with balls-hot chilli and a good layer of cheese and bake in the oven for about ten minutes, or until the cheese is golden and bubbly … and hot enough to give third degree burns.

Serve generously or eat from the dish with copious amounts of guac and sour cream.

 

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My Own Private Guytablow

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Talk about a blast from the past! I was heading back from rigging the Rip Curl Pro for Matty Wilkinson in Bells Beach, when I thought, damn my life has been lacking drama lately so I picked up the phone and called my dear friend Keanu Reeves.

As you would be aware, Keanu is 100% pure adrenaline meaning, obviously, we had a torrid love affair which may or may not have lead to his expulsion from the Etobicoke School of the Arts. While he was bummed to be expelled from ESA, the incident bonded us for life and loosely inspired three of his latter films: Speed, My Own Private Idaho and The Devil’s Advocate.

While to commoners it may appear that Keanu has fallen off the face of the earth in recent years, we try to stay in touch every couple of months when we get together to read scripts and make smart career decisions … like avoiding working with my nemesis / evil shrew, Sandra Bullock.

Yep – sorry Jason Patric, I’m the reason Speed 2 became available.

What says thanks for finally letting me share our beautiful love story?

Picture source: Screen cap from Point Break.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Keri Brussell Sprouts Salad

Salad, Side

Yep, apologies Felicity fans – I was the one that not only encouraged her haircut but the one that drunkenly took blunt scissors to it, after a bender in the meatpacking district or West Hollywood (I can not remember where it was filmed, just that I was hustling, off the wagon and loving it) and left Kez and the WB hairstylist to try and find a way out of the mess.

Thankfully Kez is as sweet and understanding as dear Felicity and didn’t hold it against me.

I first met Keri in 1995 when she had a guest stint on Married … with Children – my torrid affair with David Faustino was coming to an end after he (correctly) accused me of having an affair with Ed O’Neill, a down-to-peg Sagal and Marcy. Yes, Marcy – I am not attracted to Mandy unless she is in character.

As you could imagine, it was a very tumultuous time and dear Keri (incorrectly) saw me as a victim and quickly rescued me from the hell (of my own creation). You know how the story goes by now; celeb meets boy, boy pretends he isn’t toxic and tricks up and coming celeb into being his friend, boy relapses/is involved in scandal/is incarcerated and celebrity stands by him through thick and thin.

Even when he takes her hair from thick, to thin. Yeah … I am aware of how lucky I am to have found such supportive A-listers.

Despite hairgate, Kez has been on the up-and-up, which I like to attribute to her critically applauded turn in Waitress, which I financed out of guilt (I also funded a PSA called August Thrush but it was recut to make a poignant movie – I’m pretty kind). Now instead of her success depending on the length of her hair, she is being overlooked for Emmy Awards and battling whichever animal Andy Serkis most recently played.

It was such a treat catching up on the good old days and to see that her hair is as luscious as the world wants it to be (aside, must secure a shampoo commercial for Connie Britton and Kez). We laughed about Scott Foley’s obsession with me, Jeremy Sisto’s obsession with me … and, who could forget, Andy Serkis’ obsession with me, before sitting down to a light Keri Brussell Sprout Salad.

 

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Oh, I forgot … Cheryl Hines was also obsessed with me, but I’ve digressed.

While most people either hate or simply tolerate brussel sprouts, they would have to be my favourite vegetable. Even when steamed to within an inch of its life and the water is gone out the pan and now tastes smoked, slather on a knob of butter and those little balls have my heart.

Don’t even go there.

Anyway, it is autumn in Australia and despite still having sweat dripping of my balls on the daily, that means lettuce is now for suckers. Shred these little bad boys with some fried, salty bacon, sharp cheese and some nuts and you have a testicular inspired, culinary delight.

Enjoy!

 

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Keri Brussell Sprouts Salad
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 rashers streaky bacon, roughly diced
350g brussels sprouts
¼ cup red wine vinegar
1 clove garlic, crushed
3 tbsp olive oil
60g parmesan cheese, grated
¼ cup almonds, roughly chopped and toasted
¼ cup flat leaf parsley

Method
Heat a small frying pan over medium heat and cook bacon for a couple of minutes, until golden and crisp. Remove to drain on a paper towel.

While the bacon is chilling out, roughly shred the sprouts and transfer to a bowl. Add the remaining ingredients, bacon included, and toss well to combine.

Devour and remind yourself to always think through your haircuts.

 

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Short and curly

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Can she become
Can she become
My new favourite celebrity date?

New week
New month
A new celeb dropping by my home
I don’t remember (why we haven’t seen each other in so long)

Ne-ew time spent with you
I ne-ed time for me (to plan what to make)

What fo-od can I serve you
Keri, what can I cook that best reflects the close friendship you once shared with me

Fuck – I just remembered why we lost touch …

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

The Visit of Dibley

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

After a busy week focusing on the ritual to rebirth Meg Ryan’s career, I started to crave a religious experience and since I’ve been blacklisted from six niche religions I felt the smartest move would be to reach out to my dear friend, the Vicar of Dibley herself – Dawn French.

Obviously I met Frenchie in the 70s while attending the Central School of Speech and Drama with Jenny Saunds, obviously we became the best of friends (they are part of my European best friend trio – the British equivalent of Amy and Teens), obviously I inspired numerous of the characters they created on French & Saunders and obviously they have stood by during my countless scandals.

It has been a few years since last catching up with Frenchie. You see, Dawn had tried to assist me in rigging Australia’s Got Talent but when I realised that I actually had no talent that could transfer to TV, I orchestrated the show’s second axing. Feeling awkward, I’ve kept a low profile with Dawn, JIC she holds it against me.

Given some of the other things she has forgiven though, I doubt she will.

What says sorry I got AGT axed for a year resulting in you spending time with Timomatic for no real reason?

Also, what is a Timomatic?

Picture source: BBC.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Iron woman, hear me roar

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

When I get into something, I really get into it, don’t I?

Last week I dipped my toe back into the athlete pool and I decided that this week is another perfect opportunity to work on my fitness … with you as my witness.

I first met my dear friend Lisa Curry (Kenny) in the early 80s when two of my older siblings recorded a hit demo about her wedding to Grant, over one of our eldest sister’s cassettes. As the youngest, I knew that I was the best person to be their manager and went into bat for them to negotiate their record contract and the overarching Curry-Kenny rights.

Obviously I had an affair with Grant (inspiring Tania’s wedding in Muriel’s Wedding) and blew … the deal, but thankfully Lisa accepted my apology when I reached out during a 12-step program and we’ve been friends ever since.

What says long live Lisa Curry-Kenny. Curry-Kenny. Curry-Kenny, Curry-Kenny, Curry-Kenny?

Picture source: Unknown, but I need them to do my next headshot.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

The game of deuces to set my love match

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I’ve been so focused on Hollywood and my entertainment industry peers, that you would be forgiven for thinking that I am a one trick pony. But I’m not.

In addition to turning tricks, running scams and schemes and enjoying list on Hollywood’s A-List I am also a scholar, the brains behind all of Stephen Hawking’s works, a yogi, the Dalai Lama’s most trusted advisor, a political pundit often referred to as the democratic version of Stacey Dash but more so than anything else, I am an accomplished athlete and total sports nut.

Obviously my passion commenced as a locker-room fantasy akin to an all male version of Porky’s, but eventually I discovered I am quite the jock reaching dizzying heights of multiple sports. If there was a cent-athlon, I’d win … every time.

Given my love for overtly sexual sounds at inappropriate times, I have long been drawn to tennis … which Andy’s acclaimed turn in 7 Days in Hell reminded me. Wanting to reconnect with my roots (i’m not even touching that), I decided to give my dear friend Monica Seles a call to catch-up.

What says ahhhhh, eh, aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, humpf, ah, ergh?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.