Singer

Impeach my bush

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

So I thought I’d be celebrating my 250th recipe / catch-up this Thursday, so decided to accept the invite of my dear friend Peaches, who wanted to reconnect and help me celebrate.

It feels like only yesterday that I was getting berated by Kanye in honour of my 200th documented date – those were the days!

Obviously, Australian Survivor then opted to have a pointless twist take over an episode, delaying a boot and ruining my plans.

As you know, I’ve been crazy busy with my culinary, commiserations coverage of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars – condragulations KatyaAlaska! – the marathon that is Australian Survivor and the OG with my main man Jiffy Pop, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X (aka the worst title in the history of the show), so it was up to my dear friend Peaches to give me the required respite to adequately celebrate my 250th249th catch-up with a low key, filthy party for two.

What says, in near-milestone speak, shake your tits /shake your dick?

Image source: Unknown.

 

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Kenny Rogerk Chicken

Main, Poultry

You have no idea the sense of absolute calm and serenity that has washed over me after seeing Kenny – obviously I was not shocked! Ever since I met him, I have felt peace unknown.

He is such a doll – no pun intended – and even though we never got to experience a lengthy love affair, we’ve been friends for such a long time that I never held that against him or tried to absolutely destroy his life. You know, like I usually do.

To catch you up, as I didn’t go into much detail when sharing my relationship with Kim, I was a part of The New Christy Minstrels. I wrote the classic song This Land Is Your Land in the 40s – obvs Stockard Channing was 50 – so I was kind of a big deal in the group and seeing their talent, took young Kenny and Kim under my wing and mentored their early careers.

We lost touch for a decade or so – when they both achieved more fame than me – but were thankfully reunited by Dolly who wanted us (read: me) to bury the hatchet. The rest is now history – we made up, wrote The Gambler and have remained friends ever since.

I have been so busy lately with my reality TV coverage. Between the time spent in LA for RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, Samoa for Australian Survivor and Fiji for Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, I am almost running on empty so just having the chance to spend time with such a close friend gives me the strength to persevere.

What a hero, amirite?

Anyway, Ken surprised me with a big proposal – no, not marriage – that we collaborate with Dolly and Kim to record his tenth Christmas album. While we probably won’t get it into stores this year, I immediately said yes – stay tuned for next year and got to work whipping up a celebratory Kenny Rogerk Chicken

 

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Like Ken, this is hot, spicy and fills even the most insatiable of holes. The succulent chicken, the sweet cinnamon and fiery chillies dance together and really sing – think the culinary equivalent of Islands in the Stream.

Add in some Condoleezza Rice and Beans and a Michael Flatley Bread and you have true majesty – enjoy!

 

kenny-rogerk-chicken-2

 

Kenny Rogerk Chicken
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 tbsp sea salt
2 tsp black pepper
2 onions, diced
2 tbsp fresh thyme, chopped
3 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp allspice
2 tsp ground cinnamon
½ tsp ground nutmeg
thumb of ginger, finely grated
2 tsp muscovado sugar
⅓ cup lime juice
¼ cup rice vinegar
3 habanero chillies, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
4 chicken breasts
lime wedges and natural yoghurt, to serve

Method
Start by blitzing everything but the chicken – and obviously the lime and yoghurt for serving – in a food processor until it forms a paste. Decant it into a large bowl, add the chicken and coat generously – make sure to avoid touching it, habaneros are hot, yo.

Cover and place in the fridge to marinade for a couple of hours, take it out to come to temperature for ten minutes before you want to cook it.

Heat a griddle over high heat, reducing to medium when searingly hot, brush the pan with a bit of extra olive oil and fry for about 20 minutes, flipping once, or until cooked through.

Remove, allow to rest for five minutes and devour with lime wedges, yoghurt and a shit tonne of rice and beans.

 

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… that is what we are

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Breaking news guys! No Donald Trump didn’t grab me by the pussy like the misogynistic turd that he is, my dear, dear, dearest friend Kenny Rogers called to see if I was free to catch-up and find some peace unknown.

But seriously, how adorable – my door is always open to Kenny! Back included.

Now while you probably assume I met Kenny via my best friend in the entire world, Dolly Parton, it was actually Kim Carnes who introduced us.

However it was Doll who convinced me to gamble on winning his heart.

It didn’t lead to true love, but still gave us a couple of passionate nights and inspired us to co-write his classic song The Gambler.

So what says know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run … culinarily speaking, of course?

Picture source: Still from a GEICO commercial.

 

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Alanis Morecchiette

Main, Pasta

First connecting with Alanis in the early 90s truly was like winning the lottery, thankfully sans dying the next day.

It should really come as no surprise that I’m a dear friend of Dave Coulier – who I really should see sometime soon – after the extended period of time Annelie and I spent on the set of Full House.

Dave was dating Alanis at the time and introduced us to her, knowing that our musical ability would be a real help to her then fledgeling career. While they broke up soon after, we continued to work with Alanis and birthed her opus, Jagged Little Pill.

Fun fact, we even co-wrote You Oughta Know about Dave.

While there was a period of ugliness after she started dating the man who should have rightfully been mine, Ryan Reynolds, we found our way back together after they ended their engagement and have been close ever since. And before you even try to speculate, the police have never been able to prove I was involved in the stalking and threats that lead to their break-up.

Aside from helping me celebrate the milestone, Alanis wanted to drop by as she needed to reconnect with her muse – me – to help produce her next album. While I have been really busy, I knew that taking the time to reconnect was all that we would need to start the journey to create more beautiful music together.

The Alanis Morecchiette also provided a whole lot of inspiration, obviously.

 

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Despite orecchiette making me feel like I’m sitting down to a meal with Mike Tyson or Van Gogh, there is a certain something about the texture of these babies that elevate them from a conchiglie. Obviously this is me being crazy, maybe it is the sauce – the spiced sausage, chilli, mustard, peppers and basil cut through the creamy wine sauce to give you a comforting meal that packs a punch.

Enjoy!

 

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Alanis Morecchiette
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g orecchiette
600g spiced Italian sausages, meat removed from casings into small meatballs
2 cloves garlic, crushed
¾ cup white wine
3 tbsp wholegrain mustard
1 tsp chilli flakes
¾ cup double cream
1 cup basil, thinly sliced
zest of one lemon
¼ cup shaved parmesan

Method
Cook the paste in a large pot of salted water, as per packet instructions.

Heat a large pan over medium heat and fry the sausage, stirring, until browned, about five minutes. Add the garlic and cook for a further minute.

Add the wine and simmer for a couple of minutes, deglazing the pan. Add the mustard, chilli and cream, reduce the heat to low and simmer for a couple of minutes. Remove from the heat and stir through the basil, zest, parmesan and orecchiette. Serve, slathered in further parmesan and some additional basil.

Devour.

 

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A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I was wandering around this weekend – you know that the body looks best while taking a turn around the room, no? – when I put one hand in my pocket to discover my phone was vibrating.

I also discovered a shit tonne of jagged little pills but that is not necessary to this story.

Anyway, ironically, it was my dear friend Alanis on the other end – but you oughta know –  wanting to congratulate me on reaching my two year blogiversary (which is TODAY, yay!) … and to see if she was able to drop by and catch-up.

Alanis is crazy busy so being her friend you learn to jump in head over feet when a chance to reconnect pops up.

What do I make before washing my hands clean of this date?

Picture source: REUTERS/Marcos Brindicci.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Frijoley Fisher Dip

Condiment, Dip

It is so hard being a close friend of celebrity dynasties. I mean, you catch up with one of your dearest friends and next thing you know, their kid half-sister is calling begging to reconnect as well!

Sure I would consider Joely Fisher a dear friend but just because I needed some soul affirming love from Carrie doesn’t mean I need to field over 100 missed calls a day from Jo, begging to catch-up.

After a quick call from my service provider begging me to just take the damn calls and free up their network, I relented and offered her a quick weekend slot to tide her over and help me soften up after the infuriating desperation of her calls.

As you can probably guess, I first met Jo through Caz after connecting in rehab and like the rest of the broader Reynolds-Fisher Dynasty, is a complete triple threat. Obviously being the youngest that I’m friends with, our duelling talents led to a friendly rivalry that would go on to inspire the hit movie Drop Dead Gorgeous.

Despite this, we have always remained close so I didn’t verbally assault her for the incessant calls.

Joels hasn’t be overly busy recently – aside from a guest stint on Tim Allen’s show and Drag Race U – so honestly, I was wary that this catch-up was an attempt to get back in the spotlight. Thankfully I was wrong and bless her heart, she truly just wanted some down time with a dear friend.

After learning that, I threw out my laxative-laced treat and quickly whipped up our favourite from our old vegas days, my Frijoley Fisher Dip.

 

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Beans and by extension, bean dip, often get a bad rap for the music the oft inspire – which is not a probs if you’re singing and dancing 8 shows a week in Vegas – but this dip is killer. Maybe that has something to do with the shit tonne of cheese?

Warm, creamy and spicy – it is the perfect accompaniment to reconnecting with a friend.

Enjoy!

 

frijoley-fisher-dip-2

 

Frijoley Fisher Dip
Makes: 2 cups.

Ingredients
800g canned pinto beans
⅓ cup cream cheese
1 cup cheddar cheese, grated
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp chili powder
2 tbsp diced pickled jalapeños
1-2 shallots, finely sliced
extra cheddar and/or sour cream, to garnish

Method
Chuck beans and cream cheese in a food processor. Blitz.

Transfer to a small saucepan over medium heat, add other ingredients, stir to combine and heat until until all combined.

Top with shallots, grated cheese and/or a dollop of sour cream.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Yuzu Aduba Chicken

Emmy Gold, Main, Poultry

Holy snub, batman!

Finally I’m catching up with a past winner who isn’t going for a gong this year, but really, at what cost. How in the world does the queen of chocolate and vanilla swirls, erotica and small buns not score a third consecutive nom/win?

But seriously. Crazy-eyes, no nomination? Crazy.

Despite what would obviously be disappointment, Uzo is such an absolute treasure that she hasn’t taken me up on any offers to send anthrax to the nominees that stole her place and nor does she want me to pull a Kanye dressed as Bob the Drag Queen dressed as Uzo as Crazy-Eyes in Snatch Game.

Honestly though, that is just classic Uzo. She has always had the sweetest heart and is arguably the kindest person I’ve ever met.

We first connected while attending Boston University and quickly grew to be the best of friends. As the only two people to be studying classical singing on the track and field team, that was kind of bound to happen.

After graduation, we packed up and farewelled Boston to try her luck on the big white way. It became abundantly clear that my chequered past was going to stand in the way of her success, so I wished her luck and fled – only finding joy in watching her career flourish in my absence.

Fast forward to 2012 and I started developing a little show for Netflix under the pseudonym Jenji Kohan – Benji/Jenji, I’m surprised no one has twigged before – and I knew there was nobody else that could play the role of Crazy Eyes.

I was reticent to bring up the odds for this year’s nominees but sweet Uzo knows how important gambling is to me – I mean, she hosted six of my nine gambling addiction interventions – so felt it was her duty to assist me. Yes it is questionable given my past, but she is too damn nice and didn’t want to upset me further after I found out her plus one was already taken.

With that, we agreed that Lena would snag Supporting Actress in a Drama Series for her bad-ass ascension to the throne and celebrated Ames and Teens taking out the Guest Actress in a Comedy win.

We also agreed that my Yuzu Aduba Chicken is an absolute must.

 

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There is nothing better than chicken with a bit of citrus up the butt. I know there is a science – well assume but want to sound like I know what I’m talking about, which I won’t if it is actually wrong – behind the citric acid, steam and the chicken cavity that makes it so tender and juicy, but do we care about science? I mean, I’ve slept with Bill Nye but beyond that I’ve got no interest in science.

No matter where you stand on the caring-about-science-spectrum, this chicken is fucking delicious. Add in a cheeky little slaw and it almost makes up for the most egregious snubbings of 2016.

Enjoy!

 

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Yuzu Aduba Chicken
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 large chicken
1-2 yuzu, size dependent
2 garlic cloves, crushed
2 tsp ginger, grated
25g unsalted butter, melted
2 tbsp light soy sauce
½ tsp sesame oil
1 tbsp peanut oil
½ tsp caster sugar
black sesame seeds, to serve
yuzu/lemon/lime wedges, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C.

Place the chicken in a large roasting dish, pierce the yuzu with a skewer and shove square up the butt/cavity. Rub with a bit of peanut oil, season and chuck in the oven for an hour and twenty minutes.

Meanwhile, combine garlic, ginger, butter and half the soy sauce in a bowl. After the chicken has been in the oven for twenty minutes, baste with the marinade and continue every fifteen minutes or so to get crispy, sticky skin. If it starts to get too blackened, cover in foil.

Once the chicken is done, remove from the oven, cover with foil and then a tea towel and rest for fifteen minutes. After it has steamed in its juices, uncover, carve and serve with a light asian salad and a sprinkling of why-they-gotta-be-black-sesame-seeds (spoiler: they taste better) and a wedge of yuzu (or lemon or lime).

 

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Potato Jems

Party Food, Side, Snack, Vegetarian

Oh my goodness it is so great to finally be out of my Olympics trance. I know I am crazy sporty and won countless Olympic gold medals (which were all stripped away after Lance and I were found to be drug cheats) but damn, thank god they only happen every four years.

I mean, I can only handle so much thirst, you know?

Thankfully I have such sweet friends like Jem who drop everything – realistically I’m not sure how much she currently has going on, but anyway – when I call to come and help me through my dark hours and bring joy back to my life.

I first met Jem in the early 80s when we both attended the Stanwell School, where we bonded over a mutual love of music – she wanting to write and perform and me wanting to become the most prolific groupie of all time.

Needless to say, we both succeeded.

While life took us in different directions – and continents after I was deported for throwing too many of my knickers at Tom (his wife pressed charges, wench) – we always maintained a close bond and were really cute pen pals.

There aren’t many other communication options when you’re in prison, don’t hate me.

Anyway, after helping Jem break into the US market by suggesting her for The OC soundtrack we reconnected in person and started collaborating. The pinnacle of those collaborations being an appearance on the Sex and the City movie soundtrack. Girl loves a soundtrack.

Oh and her new album.

There was only one thing I could serve as we gabbed about life and celebrated the release of our/her new album and that is a big ole batch of my Potato Jems.

 

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Let’s be honest, potato is probably the greatest food known to man.

Seriously pause and think about it for five minutes – potato.

Welcome back! How great is potato? Exactly.

Now picture it, grated and bound together with a kick of spice and fried to perfection. Crispy and fluffy, these babies are delicious.

Enjoy!

 

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Potato Jems
Serves: I say one, you say 4.

Ingredients
1 kg potatoes, peeled
1 tbsp flour
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp onion powder
¼ smoked paprika
¼ tsp dried oregano
pinch ground chilli
salt and pepper, to taste
vegetable oil

Method
Place the potatoes in a large pot of water and parboil for about 5-10 minutes, size dependent. Drain and allow to cool.

Once they have cooled enough to avoid third degree burns, grate the potatoes into a paper towel (or something clean and absorbent) and drain the potato, removing as much of the liquid as possible.

Transfer the potatoes to a large bowl, combine with the herbs and spices, season generously and form into gem/tot shapes. Obviously I am not committed on the shaping part of this exercise.

Heat a very generous lug of oil over high heat in a large frying pan and fry the tots 4-5 at a time  and cook until golden and crisp all over – a couple of minutes should be sweet. Remove to paper towel to drain and repeat until they are done.

Then devour.

 

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Just a ride

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

What a ride the last few weeks have been!?

The Australian Olympic team have spent a large portion of the competition choking, I spent a large portion of my viewing pleasure choking the chicken and then dove straight into the launch of Australian Survivor.

Obviously I’m exhausted but like a Kardashian, I am committed to forcing myself upon any audience I can get and can finally talk about this week’s guest. You didn’t think I’d forgotten about our regularly scheduled programming, right?

Given my fatigued state, I was in desperate need of someone kind and relaxing with a good singing voice to pander to my every demand for the measly payment of one meal. As such, I got Jem straight on the blower.

I first met Jem in the mid-00s while filming the second greatest TV wedding of all time The OC’s Cooper-Nichol extravaganza – Scott and Charlene’s is obvs number one. I worked as a writer, showrunner, body and stunt double for Seth and Marissa, Kirstin’s drinking coach, musical producer and Sandy’s brow stand in at the time. I had been listening to a shit tonne of Jem, which was the style at the time and we connected after an extensive period of stalking to woo her on to the show.

It has been a while since we’ve seen each other but Jem couldn’t refuse the man who was the self-proclaimed reason she hit fame. Maybe I’m more like Kanye than I thought.

What do I make to say your welcome, now help me re-Cooper-ate?

Get it. Classic! Julie would have hated that joke.

Picture source: Daily Post Wales.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Mint Julie Delpy

Drink

I was sitting on my balcony, melancholic after Caz’s departure and knowing that the swim events are nearly over and my basement will be dried up.

As the tears streamed down my face, the afternoon sun caught my eye as the cold August – remember, I live in Australia, mate etc. – winds hit my face and brought me back to reality. I need a drink and I need to share it with my second favourite Jujubee.

I reached for my phone as the sun continued to set and conveniently saw a message from the divine Julie Delpy.

Turn around, it read.

Like Liza in SaTC 2, had I manifested her?

“Darling,” (because all European people say darling, right Zsa Zsa / Arianna) “I know how depressed you get with the end of the swim events at the Olympics, so I knew that you needed me.”

Despite being extremely concerned about the fact she so easily broke into my house with me sitting five meters from the door without noticing AND the fact she broke in by using an axe to break down the door, she is an Academy Award nominee, French and I love her, so I ran into her arms and cried about the less skin I will be seeing in week two of the games.

I first met Delps in the 1990s while filming Before Sunrise. I was dating Ethan Hawke at the time, hoping that having a relation of Tennessee Williams inside me would make me great. While it made me feel great, our relationship wouldn’t last as I was too busy running scams / being deported.

Unable to return to the US with Ethan, Delps took me in and cured my heartache as we bonded over a mutual love for day drinking.

While it took Delps a while to pull me out of my latest funk, she reminded me that the 100m sprint was still coming up, Bloom and Bieber may continue their peen off and there were drinks to be made. With a sense of duty, I made my way to the bar to whip us up a Mint Julie Delpy while she ran me through the remaining events with scantily clad men.

 

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Like Delps, these delights are sweet and all at once delicate and strong … but maybe that is my heavy handedness with the shots?

Either way – enjoy!

 

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Mint Julie Delpy
Makes: 1.

Ingredients
8 mint leaves, plus a sprig for garnish
1 ½ teaspoons superfine sugar
2 shots bourbon
soda water
ice

Method
Another one of those tough recipes to master today guys!

Place the mint and sugar in the bottom of the glass and muddle together until the leaves are breaking up and releasing their flavour. Add a bit of soda water, add the ice and top with bourbon and soda water to taste. Give it a stir, garnish with a sprig of mint and down.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.