Australian Survivor (2017)

Pake Bowl

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Main, Side, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor, Ben and Henry were warmly welcomed after opting to swap to Samatau. Well Henry was liked, making him a threat while poor Ben continued to be a non-entity. At the reward challenge, Asaga came from behind to win a trip to the Survivor ice cream parlour where Anneliese found a clue for an idol. Sadly for her, it was hidden at the next immunity challenge. Luckily, kinda, Asaga completely bombed the challenge allowing her to snatch the idol while feigning heartache while Henry slipped Jericho an idol clue which I assumed is dead. After a heated tribal council between Michelle and Kent, my speedo loving god couldn’t sway anyone over to his side and found himself exiting the game.

Asaga returned from tribal council where Luke was feeling very confident about how things played out, while Odette was feeling mega-shitty … only exacerbated by their lack of fire at camp. While she put herself to bed, Michelle dropped by and saw Luke’s confidence and raised him with arrogance.

Things were looking up the next day when Luke tried to outdo Locky by catching not one, but two sharks. Speaking of Locky, he and his Samatau tribe mates were struggling without fire or a flint to make one. While he, Ben and Tessa tried to get a fire going, ol’ arrogant AK continued to lay back and do nothing to try and bait Locky into snapping at him to further isolate him from his tribe mates.

Back at Asaga, Luke noticed his mate Jericho running off down the beach to find the idol that Henry and Jacqui found episodes ago, thanks to the clue Henry handed him at the last immunity challenge. Please, please, PLEASE – tell me they hid a fucking stick in the tree. Meanwhile at Samatau, Henry was reclining – literally like a healthy, friendly AK – in the hammock where he filled us in that yes he gave Jericho a dead clue to try and woo him back to his side come the merge.

Odette returned to our screen to finally let us know who she is. Given the fact Henry’s plan to switch has left her without any allies, she was feeling extremely sorry for herself and missing her son back at home. Right on queue, she and Luke arrived at treemail to discover that they all got gifts from home to celebrate making it to day 25. Luke was likeable, Odette’s story broke my heart, Ben got a Thomas the tank engine, Locky got me hot by getting a jersey that inspired some NFL fantasies before Henry brought the house down by getting a necklace from his mum who died six weeks before the game began. I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.

Also … I know I talk about Locky a lot, but Henry is hella bangin’.

Wanting to quell my thirst, JLP finally made an appearance for the next immunity challenge where Henry discovered he lost another ally. Not wanting to dwell on his loss, Samatau arrived with every reward they had won thus far to barter for a flint. The challenge required three people to jump off a platform to collect keys to unlock a chest of puzzle pieces. Two people then had to build the puzzle before the remaining two knock it down with some bag. But turns out, it isn’t for immunity but for the winning tribe to attend tribal council where they will vote for someone to get the chance to snag a massive reward. Aka the super idol – thanks ads!

Samatau got out to a huge lead thanks to Ziggy’s experience in the olympic pool and Michelle’s general ineptitude. Despite that, AK completely choked the puzzle portion, allowing Asaga to take the lead … then Jericho and Tara struggled to knock pieces off allowing Samatau to close the gap and Ben – BEN – to secure victory for the tribe. That my friends, was a nail biting challenge.

Back at camp Samatau were feeling good about their win and to find a flint attached to a pot. Despite it feeling like they wouldn’t actually snag fire, Locky eventually got the fire going allowing them to eat some rice and switch their brains back on as they commenced scrambling to figure out a) how tribal council can be a win, b) what said win could mean and c) how they convince people to vote for them to get the reward.

AK, obviously, was annoyed when people tried to suggest themselves for the prize, despite also trying to convince people to give him the reward. I mean, it may be my boner talking, but Locky’s logic that if it is a tribal reward, they’re better off voting for the strongest guy there to snatch it for them.  I mean, at least he’s trying to appear altruistic?

Putting us out of our misery, they arrived at tribal where JoJo continued to be very vague about the details of the reward. The tribe tried to get information as to what the “ultimate reward” could be, and how it would benefit them and/or the tribe. All they did get is that the person would not be returning to camp with them that night, though they would still be a member of the tribe.

After a lot of passive aggressive back-and-forth with AK and his alliance trying to put Locky down, while Locky tried to fight for himself as the best person to secure victory for the tribe – and I truly believe that is what he thinks it will be – they deemed Ziggy to be the best all-rounder / trustworthy enough to send. The tribe then filed out of tribal council, leaving Ziggy to be handed a map to the mangroves where she learnt that a super idol – as predicted by Ben – was hidden amongst the trees and she had until sunrise to find it. Despite what Ben thought that meant, the idol split in two allowing one half to cancel out a hidden immunity idol at tribal, while the second half could be played as normal. She meandered all over the swamp for close to five hours before finally laying eyes on the super idol, leaving her with the dilemma of what to do next.

Zigs awoke on a pedestal near the swamp to find a bountiful breakfast while she pawed the super idol. With that, came a great deal of confidence bordering on arrogance begging the question, is it actually the start of a winner’s edit or the beginning of her downfall. She then returned to Samatau with the dilemma of trying to decide what to share with her tribe mates. She then told everyone a very confusing story to cover up what her advantage was, which became so convoluted I almost started to believe it. As did Jarrad and Tessa. Locky then threw some hella shade, which was glorious, while AK was not buying anything she was selling.

Over at Asaga Tara was feeling proud to have made it beyond the halfway point of the game. She then reminded everyone that she harbours will will towards Samatau, none more so than AK. Luke then spoke about being the king of the jungle and made me wish for his downfall as quickly as possible.

Hopefully in a prophetic manner, JLP arrived to lord over the next reward challenge … but wait a minute, everyone is dropping their buffs and switching up the tribes. JoJo meandered around the tribes offering up platters of concealed buffs for them to select their news tribes. AK and Peter ended up switching to new Asaga, with the former’s nemesis Tara while new-Samatau welcomed Anneliese back, this time with Michelle. AK tried to downplay the magnitude of shit he just walked into, before Jonathan introduced the actually reward challenge, where each tribe would select one person at a time to battle balancing an idol on a paddle … for a taste of home and everything Samatau gave up for flint.

Ziggy and Tara were first to face off, with Ziggy grabbing Tara’s tit on the way to victory. Sarah easily defeated Anneliese, a sadly clothed Locky was bested by AK, Henry took out Odette, Luke took out Jarrad, Pete destroyed Ben and Michelle, obviously, was bested by Jericho. Once again, Ziggy beat Tara, Anneliese even things up with Sarah, Locky got one up on AK, , Henry – again – took out Odette before Luke tied things up over Jarrad. Match point came down to Pete and Ben, with Pete, obviously, taking out victory for new Asaga.

Despite being gutted by the loss, Locky – being the babe that he is – was seeing the bright side with AK now screwed on the new tribe and hopefully about to be kicked to the kerb by Ta-tas. On that note, AK and Pete arrived at their new tribe where AK was shitting himself … though hoping to turn things around on Tara. While they devoured their favourite treats AK was trying to work overtime making friends … and then tried to show he had a heart by talking about his girlfriend, proving to Tara that her feelings towards him were more than founded.

Over at new Samatau, Locky was feeling great to no longer have to deal with AK. On the flipside, Anneliese was feeling uneasy to be back with the jerks that voted her off a few days ago. Michelle was also hating life, given the fact she went from top to bottom – it’s called vers, babes – though she quickly got to work connecting with people and gossiping, knowing Ziggy’s friend Jono outside of the game. That obviously annoyed Locky, who missed the sound of silence, who tried to pull numbers to take her out ASAP.

Back at Asaga 3.0 AK continued his faux-charm offensive, emphasis on offensive, playing hard to try and save himself. He and Pete then went for a walk to discuss how best to save themselves, agreeing that Sarah and Odette were their best chances for survival. Thankfully Odette emerged as a queen, dismissing his attempted sweet-talking before Sarah too, didn’t see through his bullshit. That being said, Tara was watching it like a hawk leading her to approach Luke and Jericho to assure their allegiance slash get her revenge. Luke however had very little sympathy, thinking the entire thing is hilarious … leading him to approach AK to form an all boys alliance to take out Tara. Which he was obviously faking about, making him fractionally more likeable.

That obviously lead into the immunity challenge which Samatau are obviously winning given all the focus has been on Asaga. AK continued to sound confident ahead of the challenge, which involved one man and woman to hold a barrel, while the other tribe tried to fill it with water to make them drop it. Locky and Ziggy were in charge of the barrels at Samatau, while nemeses Tara and AK had to carry Asaga. Asaga focussed on taking out Locky, making him glisten in the sea water before AK became the first to drop out of the challenge, leaving a half-full barrel for Tara to hold while Ziggy was still empty. Out of nowhere, Henry threw a huge bucket of water into Tara’s barrel, handing Samatau immunity – shock – and sending AK and Tara to tribal for their latest showdown.

Back at camp Tara confirmed that once again, she would be voting for AK, which annoyed the shit of AK who feels he is entitled to outlast her. He and Luke went for a walk, with Luke lying that Tara was annoying him and she wanted her out next. Luke then approached Sarah to tell her that the plan is still to get rid of AK. Everyone started to get quite confident about the plan to blindside AK, making me anxious given that there is half an hour left in the episode.

Almost like I manifested it, AK started to feel concerned about Luke and Tara tending the fire together leading to AK and Pete meeting up by the well to try and come up with a safety plan, which lead them to Sarah. While Sarah knows that he is a snake, she rightly pointed out that she needs to stick with bottom-feeders and humour AK that she was willing to flip to the old Samatauns to take out Tara. He then approached Odette to firm up numbers, with her simply gloating about being the swing vote. While it seemed like she was kicking him while he was down, I do have a sinking feeling that AK and Luke are both about to survive tribal.

JoJo quickly got to work zeroing in on the ‘AK is fucked and is feuding with Tara narrative,’ with the feuders walking us through the brief history of their drama. Luke then brought up the fact that they are low on strength and need to focus on keeping people that can win challenges, spooking Tara that she may actually lose the battle. Odette then mentioned that she was starting to question what she was doing tonight, making AK equally as nervous. After everyone mentioned that they were now quite confused about how the votes would go down, said votes went down and AK became the tenth person voted out of the game.

As much as I’ve verbalised my rage for AK, we used to be dear friends … until he refused to fly himself to New York to DJ my wedding at his own expense. Despite the fact that that is clearly disgusting behaviour on his part, I decided to take the high road and whip him up a comforting Pake Bowl.

 

 

Spicy and fresh, this is the perfect dish to work through the pain of a brutal, swap-fucked blindside. And, obviously, rub in the pain a little … we all know I’m not nice enough to just kindly whip up a comfort meal for a frenemy.

Enjoy!

 

 

Pake Bowl
Serves: 2-4.

Ingredients
300g firm tofu, cut into 2cm dice
1 tbsp sesame oil, plus extra for frying
2 tbsp gochujang
200g udon noodles
1 capsicum, thinly sliced
2 bok choy, halved
250g mushrooms, sliced
4 shallots, sliced
2 tbsp tamari
1 tsp honey
1 tbsp sesame seeds

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Combine the tofu, sesame oil and gochujang in a bowl and toss to cover. Spread the tofu over a lined baking sheet – leaving the sauce in the bowl – and place in the oven for fifteen minutes, or until crisp.

While the tofu is in the oven, cook the noodles as per packet instructions.

Get three skillets on the flame over medium heat with a lug of sesame oil. Place the bok choy, cut side down, in one pan, and cook for a couple of minutes each side. In pan two, add the capsicum and toss them for a couple of minutes, or until bright, fragrant and cooked. Then, in pan three, add the mushrooms and cook until softened. Add the white of the shallots, tamari and honey and cook for a further minute. Add the sesame seeds and then cook for a further, further minute.

Drain the noodles and toss them through the saucy bowl.

To serve, place some noodles in a bowl and add each element on top, finishing with the fresh greens of the shallots and let it get fresh with you. Ak … a devour it.

 

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Kent Nelsonion Rings

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Side, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor, Tara and Anneliese were voted out of Samatau and were saved by the game’s first twist, switching tribes instead. As there must be balance, Ben and Henry volunteered to switch from Asaga, leaving the Jac of Jacry all alone. After losing immunity, Luke then finally claimed the upper hand, pulling in the new Asagans and booting my dear Queen Jacqui.

Returning to camp, Luke was feeling hella confident after blindsiding Jacry and taking control of Asaga … which feels more like pride cometh before the fall. Michelle was also thrilled, as was Tara who pointed that each of the original tribes were eight and eight, making me feel like she isn’t all Asaga strong. Poor Kent on the other hand, was feeling on the outs and was desperately trying to keep his feelings in check.

We returned to Asaga the next day where Anneliese and Tara were feeling up, surviving against all odds. Sarah then pointed out a rainbow and made my heart swell. On the other end of the mood spectrum, Kent was still feeling pretty crummy though hoped that being underestimated could help him dodge yet another vote. Anneliese, Tara, Sarah and Michelle then gossiped about Kent, with the latter saying that Odette and Kent were behaving like the children she nannies. Though she DGAF that he is against her, since she is playing harder. Do I have a Jacs replacement already?

Over at Samatau, Ziggy was fanging for a swim while we finally heard from Bern? Ben, who said that as the youngest, he was missing being doted on by his parents though was glad to be on Samatau, where people were respecting him. We were then treated to Jarrad trying to woo him over, which my gut is saying is going to end up like Ziggy flipping to Tara and Locky. Ben agreed to get rid of Henry to get further, though I reiterate, the conversation seemed more about seeing if Ben knew about an idol rather than aligning.

On the Henry note, he was feeling extremely confident in his charm, and the majority he left back at Asaga … which was destroyed at the last tribal council. Shit is gonna be awkward in a few minutes!

As expected, JoJo arrived for reward where my little Henny arrived to discover that his girl was booted at the last tribal council, leaving Luke and Tara with the biggest shit-eating grins imaginable. He tried to act like it didn’t hurt, but you could tell it really did. Locky then spoke about how good it was to see both Tara and Anneliese, which started painting the target back on their backs. Jonathan then explained the rules for an ice-cream reward, where the tribes had to push a cart of puzzles up a course before building a palm tree.

Kent was inexplicably removed from the challenge for medical reasons, before Ziggy and Locky completely dominated Luke and Jericho to get Samatau out to a huge lead. Ben being Ben, he then struggled with some knots before the combination of Henry, AK, Ben and Tessa tried to maintain their lead with Anneliese, Sarah, Odette and Jericho on their tails. Close to the end, Samatau discovered they had made some mistakes, allowing Asaga to claim a come from behind victory. Which is obvi my favourite kind.

Arriving at their ice cream reward, Jericho seemed to cream his shorts while the rest of the tribe were feeling pretty damn good. Just not cream in your shorts good, you know. He then devoured a shit tonne of ice cream before pointing out his lactose intolerance. They then started throwing hella shade at AK – which I can always get behind – before Anneliese stubbled upon a clue which led her to another, which she got sprung trying to find.

Before we could see if Anneliese had just screwed herself, we returned to Samatau where Henny was smarting over Jacqui’s boot while the OG Samatauns were thrilled – or angry, I don’t know – to discover Tara and Anneliese survived. While Henry was shook, Ben tried to use it to his advantage by pointing out to AK that he has no options left without Jacqui.

Back at reward, Anneliese was still removing husks from the palm pretending that she was looking for firewood where she finally found the clue without anyone noticing. It instructed her that the idol was hidden at the next immunity challenge, as such, she decided it was important to share the clue with someone to run cover, choosing Naomi Campbell’s mate Sarah. Thankfully Sarah was thrilled with the news, as she could use said news to extricate from her newly formed alliance of Luke and Jericho … filling me with equal parts hope and pride.

Things were still not looking up for Henry on Samatau where he spoke to Locky about how he was royally screwed without Jacs. He obviously then decided that creating his own beach-drawn game would be the best way to ingratiate himself with the tribe, which won over Ziggy and made Ben look like an absolute moron. That being said, Tessa and AK knew that his likability was a problem for their games and because of that, he needs to go ASAP.

Anneliese and Sarah awoke on day 24 to plot how best to snatch the idol at the upcoming immunity. Given the fact Anneliese is becoming the puzzle queen, she couldn’t actually snatch it for herself and instead handed over the clue and responsibility to Sarah to snatch.

On that note, JoJo returned for said immunity challenge where Jericho gloated about the previous reward before Henry pointed out that he and Ben were on the outs and in desperate need of a win. The challenge involved the tribes transporting disc along a rope challenge before releasing them, pushing them up a ramp, into a barrel and then up a shoot – where the idol was hidden – to release the puzzle pieces. As seems to be the case, Samatau got out to an early led with Ben – shockingly – turning in a strong performance, while poor Sarah was left to untangle the discs for Asaga solo. Will Sarah even make it to the idol before Samatau finish? It isn’t looking good.

Samatau continued to extend their lead, getting the puzzle pieces before Sarah – finally joined by Jericho – had even finished the first obstacle. Anneliese then paces the course, desperate to snatch the idol while Samatau snatched immunity. After successfully taking the idol, Anneliese joined her tribe before Henry handed an idol clue over to Jericho out of nowhere making me hopeful that he planted a fake idol where he found the old one and I forgot. Did that happen and we’re about to see Luke or Jericho humiliated? Please.

The defeated Asaga returned to camp, trying to make themselves feel better about their loss. While everyone was upset, Luke was loving it since he was in control … which feels like he is being set up for a fall. Anneliese and Sarah disappeared to discuss their alliance, with Sarah continuing her strong gameplay by confirming she Anneliese’s idol is hers alone and she wanted to work with her as best as she could.

Sensing he is next to go, Kent opened up his strategy shop down the beach hoping to lure people over to discuss options with him. After an awkwardly long period of sitting lazily at the end of the beach, Tara approached Kent to see if he was open to getting rid of Michelle which is what he was hoping anyway. Tara then approached Anneliese to get rid of Michelle, which the latter wasn’t keen on given the fact Sarah wouldn’t be keen on it. Tara then approached Luke about keeping strength, with Luke suggesting Odette – who is the strongest woman left in the game – instead of Kent.

Michelle, Anneliese and Sarah discussed the upcoming vote by the fire, where Michelle started to drink the overconfidence kool aid which appears to have rubbed Sarah the wrong way. She then approached Kent to discuss the fact he and Odette were next to go, which he countered that the options were actually Michelle and Kent. Given that Sarah is aligned with Michelle, she tried to sway the vote to Luke or Jericho instead to lock in a majority and take control.

They arrived at tribal council where JLP was quick to rub in the fact they completely bombed the immunity challenge, with Jericho and Luke  explaining the loss in an extremely basic manner. Michelle spoke about how difficult the challenge was, before Anneliese admitted that they are kinda screwed given the fact that Samatau was stacked with athletic members. Michelle then raised some eyebrows talking about getting rid of threats and keeping people she can trust, rather than strength. Odette, Jericho and Luke debated which was the right option, before Michelle and Kent were outed as causing most of the disharmony in the tribe. After talking about not really getting on, Kent offended Michelle by pointing she doesn’t contribute much at camp. She then challenged him to point out how he does any better, which he struggled with. Sarah then spoke about the fact there is a clear majority, though those on bottom should be working hard to claim back the majority. Despite signalling that she was on the precipice of flipping, Sarah stuck with current majority to take out my speedo loving daddy Kent.

Since he is the Chief Financial Officer of a Government Department, I have long known to keep my dear friend Kent on my good side. How do I do that, you ask? By whipping up a big batch of my Kent Nelsonion Rings.

 

 

Despite the fact it is bleedingly obvious that you can’t go past fried food when looking for comfort, I figure I should do my best to sell you on these babies. Though the crisp batter, sweet, melting onion and whack of salt kinda do that for me, no?

Enjoy!

 

 

Kent Nelsonion Rings
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 large onions
125ml milk
1 egg
70g flour
2 tbsp cornflour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp muscovado sugar
½ tsp salt
½ tsp paprika
oil, for fryin’

Method
Slice the onions into 1cm wide rings and heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat until 180°C.

Whisk the wet and dry ingredients together, separately – aka wet together, dry together – before whisking them all together.

Dip the onions in the batter and fry a few pieces at a time for a couple of minutes, or until golden and crisp. Transfer to some kitchen towel and repeat the process until the onion is all gone.

Season with salt and pepper and devour, in a melancholic yet accepting manner.

 

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Jaquiche Patterson

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Main, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor, AK and Tessa had taken control of Samatau putting Tara on the outs alongside my furry-bunned dreamboat Locky. Meanwhile over at Asaga, Henry finally threw an immunity challenge to boot Sam, pissing off Mark. After losing yet another immunity challenge, Mark tried to bring Luke and Jericho over to his side to break up the true Asaga power-couple Jacry. Thankfully he failed and quickly followed his lady-love out the door, giving us another week of killer Jacqui facial expressions.

Asaga returned to camp where Henry was pissed that Mark had outed he and Jacs as the power couple, though could appreciate how well he spoke at tribal. After the tribe retired to sleep, Jericho pulled a low-rent Queen Sandra Diaz-Twine/on-par Tai Trang and put out the fire to avenge Mark’s boot. Given the fact that there was torrential rain, it kind of seemed like the most redundant revenge, but you do you boo.

The next day things were looking up at Samatau where Locky was feeling excited to be playing Survivor and relishing the opportunity to go for an early morning fish. He then spoke about being on the bottom, which is something he isn’t used to? Girl, that’s a waste. He returned to camp with a small fish, and then proceeded to work, providing for the tribe while King AK just chilled. This obviously pissed him off, once again approaching Ziggy about the possibility of getting rid of AK … which she agreed should be a priority, since he cannot be trusted.

Things were still gloomy over at Asaga where they were without fire thanks to Australia’s Tai, Jericho. Luke then bitched to Jericho about the tribe wanting him to rebuild the fire that Jericho put out. I’m going to be honest, they annoy me.

Sensing my rage building, JLP arrived for the reward challenge where Samatau were shocked to discover Mark was booted at the last tribal council. Jericho then did a terrible job at hiding the fact that he was pissed about the decision, painting an even bigger target on his back. Jericho, goodbye. The challenge involved six people balancing a ball on a disc while traversing an obstacle course, before two cast members shoot their ball at four targets for a luxury reward involving wine, cheese and waterfalls – I assume to chase. While Samatau got out to an early lead, Asaga caught up and overtook on final obstacle before Kent and Henry secured Asaga’s first reward of the game.

They arrived at the reward where they were ecstatic to see the waterfall shower, and a table full of booze, cheese and cake. Luke and Henry were the first to brave the showers where they discovered each table had a note. Assuming it was an idol clue, they both shoved them down their pants before later discovering they were actually just a pouch of scissors and tweezers. Obviously that wasn’t discovered until after Ben stared at himself in the mirror for an exorbitant amount of time and Luke felt it necessary to shave his balls. Why couldn’t have Locky won this one and given us another steamy nude scene? It’s been weeks!

Speaking of our island stud, Locky reminded us that he was in a very shit spot in the tribe. He and Ziggy were once again the only ones working hard, trying to keep the fire alight during even more torrential rain. They had a big old bitch about AK being lazy before Ziggy finally cracked and got Locky to promise that AK would be the next to go, when they go to tribal.

The next day Asaga were back to feel hungry despite a huge reward just 24 hours prior. Despite vowing not to get the fire started, Luke decided that being the provider would actually be a good idea, got it going and decided that he was the new power player of the tribe. Jacry noticed that Luke was stepping it up and trying to play the game, so decided that he needs to go ASAP, particularly over the useless pair of Michelle – who is actually a goddess – and Ben. But seriously, make this happen ASAP.

Given that each tribe had lined up a target, JLP returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes had to split into pairs and run through an obstacle course, untying a series of knots to open a gate, dismantling a bamboo wall to build a bridge, complete a vertical peg maze and pulled a sled with a lit torch to the other end of the course and light a cauldron. Poor Jacs struggled big time on the knots, giving Samatau an early lead which Luke and Ben almost closed, had Luke not struggled horrifically, allowing Ziggy and Pete to almost complete the third obstacle before the boys finished the second. Turns out the puzzle was far harder than I’d assumed as a spectator, as Henry and Jericho managed to catch-up and release their keys first. Asaga then pulled their sled past a still-struggling Pete and Ziggy and secured Asaga immunity.

Back at Samatau, Tara was feeling extremely nervous about tribal council and was putting all of her eggs in Ziggy’s basket. Everyone disappeared to discuss the vote, leaving Locky and Tara alone at camp. AK was feeling extremely confident, which he should, given the fact his alliance is made up of five people in an eight person tribe. He then floated the idea of bringing Anneliese in to split the vote between Locky and Tara, in case of an idol. Anneliese then proved that she is playing better than we’ve been shown, knowing that she is better off letting them think she is splitting the votes with them, so they can get rid of AK without having an actual majority. AK then slinked – slunk? – around in the bushes, Ziggy and Anneliese agreed to get rid of AK and Locky and Tara tried to pretend that they aren’t getting another potential lifeline.

At tribal, JLP was quick to rub some salt in Samatau’s wounds, pointing out the fact Peter and Ziggy completely blew the challenge. Tara then spoke about being shocked by Aimee’s blindside and how she was sure that she’s the one to go tonight. Locky jumped on the pretending we’re down and out bandwagon, and spoke about how he was trying to show his worth (note: get nude again, that may help). He then pointed out that AK was in charge, which he obviously denied, before Tessa was very arrogant about the fact she took back control of the game, despite the fact she owed it all to Tarzan as Locky, the shadiest queen of all, kindly pointed out.

After Locky’s last ditch effort to point out that he works hard and does it for the benefit of the tribe, while AK is only out for himself – which, yes, is the game … but it’s AK – the tribe headed to vote where a couple rolled in for Locky, before resulting in a tie between AK and Tara. The tribe then voted again where Tara was voted out … but not alone, as JoJo announced that they’d be voting out a second person.

One by one the tribe voted again with Tara watching on, before Ziggy, Tessa and AK got petty/iconic and screamed their votes for Anneliese, sending her out of the tribe with Tara … though not out of the game. Yes, peeps – we’ve got a surprise faux-tribal tribe swap! Instead of exiting the game, the girls were to spend a night on exile before joining Asaga the next day.

I’d just like to mark the end of the non-elimination episode and beginning of episode nine by pointing out that it has now been seven episodes since Locky’s cakes writhed around in the sand.

#neverforget

We quickly checked in with the outcasts of exile island where Tara and Anneliese were feeling all around shitty. The were hungry, cold and Tara had cried herself to sleep starting to think about what she is missing out on back at home. Thankfully Anneliese gave her a much-needed pep-talk and got her head back in the game, both vowing to make the most of their second chances, not to be confused with second chances.

Meanwhile an oblivious Asaga were not loving life, resorting to ogling a slimming Kent. In her defense, my girl Jacs was loving life, despite missing booze and her husband – same girl – and has to put up with some extremely annoying people. Given that she holds all the power, she is tolerating it. Ben, Michelle, Luke and Jericho then sat in the shelter and bitched about Jacs for not delivering their rice, despite the fact they were just bitching about her. Michelle, don’t push me.

Finally, JLP returned with Tara and Anneliese as Asaga arrived at a beach expecting a reward challenge. Instead, they were told that they had to pick two people to swap to Samatau to replace the girls. Ben, who is completely on the outs anyway, offered to go … followed by Henry. Henry. HENRY?! Breaking Jacs and my hearts, and shocking Tara and Anneliese who believe it to be a death sentence. On the flipside, they are now in the driving seat at Asaga in the middle of the two warring factions.

Testing out Tara’s psychic ability, Henry and Ben arrived at Samatau where the tribe were surprisingly thrilled to see them. Except AK, obvi, who was (rightfully) confused as to why Henry would volunteer to go over to Samatau where he has no control, or even an ally. While Henry laid on the charm as thickly as possible, AK sat in the corner of the camp and pouted like a rich school kid that has finally realised money can’t buy you friends. Or class. Feeling threatened, AK tried to lie and say that he is in danger to lull Henry into a false sense of security. Further proving he isn’t as smart as Locky thinks, Henry approached Locky and they quickly unravelled his lies filling me with hope that they’ll align and get rid of my nemesis AK.

Meanwhile Anneliese was quick to upset things at Asaga, asking how they really feel to have her and Tara as replacements for their best and worst challenge performers. While Jacs was hoping to get rid of one of the ex-Samatauns, Tara and Anneliese made quick work of distancing themselves from the tribe that just voted them out and to spill as much tea as they needed to, to win friends. Despite Jacs’ assurance that Asaga didn’t have any clear alliances, Luke and Michelle took Tara for a walk to tell her otherwise and swing the girls to the minority to take control. As exciting as that flip would be, I don’t want to see it happen at the expense of Jacs. Particularly when it benefits Jerichoke, my new name for the insufferable Jericho/Luke alliance.

After so much excitement, JLP returned for an immunity challenge allowing fair contact, breaking my heart that Henry and Locky are now on the same side and won’t battle to the nudity. The tribes had to fight for a ball before passing it off to a person on the platform who then had to kick the ball in a goal. Kent quickly tried to become my favourite in the first round, tugging at the front of Locky’s pants (like me in my dreams) before AK scored the first goal for Samatau. Luke and Henry battled it out in the second round before Luke took the ball and passed it to Samatau’s Ben, who obvi missed on his first go. Thankfully he redeemed himself after Henry took out Kent, giving Samatau a 2-0 lead. Odette dominated Jarrad in the third round before Luke missed the kick, Jericho then passed the ball to AK who sadly missed before Luke got the ball back from Jericho again and got Asaga on the board. In the fourth round, Henry dominated Luke, Locky dominated Kent and Sarah and Ziggy made straight men’s dreams come true before AK finally secured victory for new-Samatau on his fourth kick.

Sadly, no nudity. What the actual fuck.

Things were looking bleak back at new-Asaga, with Tara and Anneliese sure that they’ll be voted out for realsies. Jacs too was feeling nervous, though was hoping to push the Asaga strong line via Kent, to avoid looking like she is in control. While it all looked locked after Kent’s quick walk around, Michelle approached Jerichoke to talk about joining with Tara and Anneliese to snatch control and get rids of Jacs … which was literally planned a par ago. Sarah joined the fray to make things interesting, approaching Jericho and Michelle to see what the plan is and agreed to get rid of Jacs. The conversation however went on a little too long, making Jacs and Kent nervous enough to switch the vote to Sarah, another tragedy. Kent then approached Anneliese and Tara to get them onboard and retain control of the tribe.

Jonathan was quick to ask about Henry and Ben deflecting to the other side, which Jericho was quick to point out it could have been a great, selfish move for either of them. Jacs used it as an opportunity to point out that she and Henry mustn’t be a power couple if he was willing to flip, before Michelle rightly pointed out that maybe he went over because he felt so safe that he wanted to make more friends. Anneliese pointed out that she and Tara have no other options, so they are good allies to take forward. JoJo then spoke to Sarah, which seemingly opened up a can of worms, with everyone talking in riddles about who they’d be targeting to convince the newbies to join them.

The tribe then voted and tragedy struck, as Queen Jacs found herself booted from the game as the eighth boot. Let’s take a moment’s silence and remember her classic one-liners and killer side eye. As a fan of champagne and sass, it should come as absolute no shock that Jacs and I are the best of friends. Fun fact: after the plebishite bullshit is done in Australia, Jacs has offered to oversee my vow-renewal as she is the only person as sassy as the woman that married my husband and I.

Anyway – when she walked into loser lodge, I honestly couldn’t tell you who was more distressed. Though I will, it was me. After playing such a dominant first half of the game, one selfish, miscalculated move from Henry became her undoing and the only thing I could do was whip her up her favourite Jacquiche Patterson.

 

 

Creamy custard, bubbling egg, molten tomatoes and the constant unchanging nature of corn – it literally can not be broken down by our bodies, thus it appearing in every vom and shit you have – are the perfect combination to help you eat your feelings for our fallen goddess.

Bet you’re hungry after the shit and vom talk, right? Enjoy!

 

 

Jaquiche Patterson
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 sheets frozen shortcrust pastry, defrosted
6 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1 cup milk
salt and pepper, to taste
a couple of sprigs fresh thyme leaves
1 cup frozen corn kernels, defrosted and drained
a small handful of cherry tomatoes, halved
½ cup grated vintage cheddar cheese

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C and roll the sheets of pastry together with a pin to form a single, slightly thicker but way bigger piece of pastry.

Press the pastry into a quiche dish, line with baking paper, fill with baking weights and blind bake for fifteen minutes. Remove the weights and baking paper and cook for a further five minutes. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

Reduce the heat of the oven to 160°C.

Meanwhile whisk the eggs, sour cream, milk, salt and pepper and thyme to combine in a large bowl. Scatter the corn and tomatoes inside the quiche dish, top with the cheese and pour over the egg mixture. Return to the oven and bake for 45 minutes, or until browned and just set.

Allow to rest for fifteen minutes before devouring.

 

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Marktini Wales

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Drink, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, Tara flipped out on Peter for flipping after weeks of Tessa calling her a flipper, leaving Tara and Locky on the bottom with AK in control. Meanwhile Sam suffered a near drowning before Henry finally succeeded in throwing the immunity – after a four episode build-up – sending her out of the game as the sixth boot.

As Asaga returned to camp Henry and Queen Jacqui were feeling confident after pulling off their big move, while Mark skulked around silently like a predator. Not the predator, but a predator … like a lion, you know? We then heard from him where he shared that he was indeed pissed, would be holding a grudge, and hot damn, doesn’t anger look good on him?

Things were still looking bleak for Mark the next day – his rage level going from pissed to livid – before cornering Kent to find out what the hell happened at the last tribal council. While Kent was quick to cover for Jacqui and her involvement in the plot, though distanced himself a bit from Henry. All of it was for nought though, as Mark knew that they were definitely the ones pulling the strings. Jacs and Henny gurl then caught up while Jacs shared the intel from Kent’s walk, and Henry vowed to get rid of Markie Mark at the next opportunity.

Meanwhile things were looking up over at Samatau where we finally heard a bit more from Ziggy who likened the game to waterpolo, the sport she competed in at the olympics. Twice. Tara and Locky decided that the Olympic athlete was their best chance for survival, approaching her by the water to flip on AK a rejoin with them. While Ziggy agreed that AK is a threat that definitely needs to be dealt with, she wasn’t sure if the time was right … but knew that she holds the power and helping them could get her some favours down the track.

The rains returned , as did Locky’s glistening torso and the shark he’s been attempting to catch since before Henry started throwing immunity challenges. Like the great Tom Westman and Amanda Kimmel before him, Locky finally caught said shark with a machete and helped bring the tribe back together. The only thing that could have made the moment better was him being naked, but sadly, I can’t always get what I want. Which is fucked.

Back at Asaga Luke thought he’d hit the jackpot when a fresh coconut fell from the sky … which turned out to be a wasp nest, biting the shit out of him and making me worry that he won’t actually live to see day 55. Thankfully he survived the attack and decided to play it forward, pulling Mark aside, fuelling his Jacs/Henny rage and trying to plot splitting up my favourite power couple by knocking out Jacqui.

IF THAT HAPPENS, I WILL COME FOR YOU BOTH.

Finally JLP and his guns returned to our screens for, and I know I say this a lot, one of my favourite Survivor challenges – sumo! While Samatau were shocked to see Sam had been voted out, Asaga were equally shocked to hear about Locky’s fishing abilities. But that is not what we’re here to enjoy – each tribe had to send a person up to battle on a sumo platform and avoid falling into the mud moat. First up, Ziggy made quick work of my queen Jacs, before Jarrad was sent in by Mark despite a valiant effort. Odette gave Asaga the lead over Tara before Locky tied things up for Samatau, pushing Luke in before it even began. Anneliese then defeated Sarah, Tessa made quick work of Michelle, Kent took out Pete and Henry tied things up by beating AK.

Ziggy once again defeated Jacqui before Jarrad put up the biggest fight against Mark, despite losing again. Odette once again defeated Tara, Locky tied things up by defeating Luke, meaning it came down to a battle between Anneliese and Sarah. After a long, hard battle, Sarah showed why she survived Naomi Campbell putting up a huge fight, despite losing the battle and sending Asaga tribe back to tribal council.

Back at camp Henry was feeling the pressure after losing again, though was glad to have the opportunity to take out Mark before he can get revenge for the Sam vote. While he seemed to have the numbers, with Jacs, Kent, Odette, maybe Jericho, Sarah and Ben in a pinch, Mark got to work trying to pull people over to his side. He and Luke cleaned up the mud in the shore and tried to fashion a plan to take out Jacs, where junky Luke reappeared, give me zero hope for their success.

Luke then approached Jericho and Michelle to join them in voting Jacs, where Michelle uttered the immortal words of the one true Survivor queen Sandra. Luke and Michelle then tried to get Sarah on side, where the model showed how good at the game she is, pointing out that Mark will easily get the power back if they let him. She then agreed that she was with them, before telling us that once again she was in the driver’s seat at tribal. We then heard from Odette again, after Luke told her that everyone had switched to his side and were voting out Jacqui. And met Ben, who I believe bombed the last reward challenge, who said that Luke is Mr. Boombastic and would screw his game sooner, rather than later.

At tribal rubbed salt in Sarah’s wounds for losing the challenge before praising her for her effort – good boy JoJo. Henry then alluded to get rid of Mark, as did Odette, with both of them saying that keeping the strongest wasn’t always the best idea. Jericho then stopped the proceedings to say that basing the vote on vengeance is not a good idea and they need to come together, which Sarah kind of agreed with, saying that consistency was the key. Sensing he is on the way out the door, Mark pointed out that Jacry are in the power position and need to be split up, and get rid of Jacs. While Luke loved it based on his shit eating grin, Jacqui was well pissed, giving some killer side eye.

Everyone appeared to be going back and forth in their mind, making Henry very nervous, though he was smart enough to mention that he trusts the people he trusts for a reason before Jericho once again tried to lobby to get rid of one of the liabilities. Based off Jacs abs, I assume he isn’t insinuating that is her, making me wonder who he thinks is voting with him for Ben or Michelle? After Henry didn’t whip the idol out for Jacqui, the votes started rolling in evenly for Jacs and Mark, filling me with anxiety before they (thankfully) started piling up on Mark, sending him from the game and saving my favourite power couple.

While it may come as a shock since he has morals and I am aggressive slash unhinged, Mark and I have been dear friends for years having met when I was consulting with the army. Hey, my aggression is a tactically asset sometimes? While I was never able to convince him to go AWOL with me, we did bond as he took me under my wing and tried to make me a better person. I knew that he’d be gutted to be voted out, but too nice to really let rip, so plied him with liquor to add some excitement, in the form of my Marktini Wales.

 

 

While he didn’t spill any good tea – and I didn’t want to hear it, if it was about Jacry – I did get him drunk enough to pluck up the courage to ask out Sam. Maybe I should have shaken it, like bond?

Eh – enjoy!

 

 

Marktini Wales
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
ice
2 shots gin
1 shot dry vermouth
twist of lemon

Method
Combine the ice, gin and vermouth in a cocktail shaker and stir to combine … because despite what Bond would have you believe, shaking is barbaric.

Pour the liquid – aka not the ice – into a martini glass, add a twist of lemon and devour, gladly.

 

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Salmontha Hashcakes

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Main, Seafood, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, Sam and Mark W tried to become the second coming of the most boring showmance – El and Lee – while Jacqui and Henry formed the second version of great survivor duo – Denise and Malcolm. But that’s all we know about Asaga – other than cookies – as Samatau lost four straight immunities, sending Adam, Kate and Tarzan out of the game, before Tessa and AK were finally able to make a move, blindsiding Locky’s alliance and sending Aimee out of the game. Ay …

Things were nice and awkward as Samatau returned to camp following Pete’s flip, with Locky and Tara well and truly on the outs after tribal. Locky tried to lay on the charm – and my pants spontaneously fell off – as a storm rolled in, while Tara went the opposite route and let her rage fly, yelling at Pete for flipping on her. This obviously made AK a very happy boy, which I still don’t know if I’m onboard with just yet. Are we meant to like AK?

The next day we checked in with Asaga where Kent was doing handstands in the water, making me question my dick-togs fetish. We were reacquainted with Sarah who spoke about the joy of not having to attend tribal … though she was starting to hope that the winning streak would end. Echoing the sentiment, Henry was going stir-crazy waiting to make some moves and play the actual game. Slash get rid of episode one villain Sam.

It was still bleak in the cold light of day over at Samatau where Tara was sulking in a hammock, trying to avoid Pete who she and Locky are not ready to forgive just yet. Pete however was feeling proud of making his move and signalling to the others that he is a player, not a number. Though given how Australian Survivor normally goes, I don’t actually see that as a good thing.

Wanting to keep things exciting, JoJo arrived for the reward challenge where Asaga were shocked to discover Aimee was eliminated at tribal. The challenge, another homoerotic favourite of mine – why couldn’t Henry and Locky be on the same tribe – requires the tribes to stand on a log and navigate around each tribemate and get to the other side. Given it is for a barbie and booze, the stakes – lol – were high. Odette and Ben struggled big time for Asaga which allowed Samatau to take the lead with Tessa, Ziggy and Anneliese finishing the course before Sam finally got a point on the board for Asaga. Sadly it was all for nought as Samatau continued to widen the gap, ultimately putting their issues behind them and  taking out a much needed victory.

Sam was well pissed to have missed out of the barbie and vowed that Ben is not an asset and would be the next person out when they lose immunity. Which given the fact we’ve seen something other than the Jericho/Luke cookie sitcom at Asaga, a trip to tribal council feels imminent.

Samatau returned to camp to discover a table completely laden with food, instantly dissipating the various feuds as Tara and Locky got to work whipping up their feast. While everything was going peachy, AK quickly turned it all to shit while pondering aloud where the idol clue could be hidden.

Meanwhile back at Asaga, Sam spoke about struggling with not winning any rewards so far, though quickly pointed how confident was being in the majority alliance. Mother nature then decided it was time to bring her down a peg, sweeping her out into the ocean while fishing with Luke and Mark before Luke swam to her rescue.

Anneliese and Tara got together by the beach to talk about the new alliances on Samatau, both agreeing that AK will self-destruct before getting the chance to make it to the end. Tara continued to wallow in her fall from grace, breaking down with Locky and crying about how awful AK is and how hard the game is. Making him less and less likeable, AK bitched about her tears to Tessa and saying that she should be fighting. While yes, it is true, maybe don’t say it while she is mid-breakdown.

Back at Asaga, Henry spoke about his life outside of the game and reminded us about his continuing fauxgi lie. Sam and Sarah however are not buying the fact he is a yogi with the former trying to out him in front of the tribe. While he danced his way out of the lie, Sam and Sarah were more sure than ever that it was a lie. Henry realised that Sam was starting to question his career and vowed to throw the next challenge and get rid of her. For realsies, this time.

Right on cue JoJo returned for the immunity challenge where Henry’s v-lines plant me firmly on his side in the looming Henry/Sam feud. Given the fact that Locky is sure that Asaga’s continued victories all come down to Henry, I am starting to think he make actually get his way with the challenge. Each tribe started on a platform in the ocean before one-by-one diving into the water, climbing up and over an obstacle, running over a net and back to the shore. Once the entire tribe was in, one person from each tribe was required to cut through a rope to release puzzle pieces. While Locky got Samatau out to a strong lead, Michelle overtook Anneliese before Tessa dominated Kent and reclaimed the lead. Luke then overtook AK handing-back Asaga’s lead. Henry and Sarah had a nice headstart on the puzzle however Henry finally succeeded in throwing the challenge, moving at a snail’s pace allowing Tessa and Anneliese to overtake Asaga and take out their second immunity challenge.

Back at camp Henry was quick to apologise for blowing the puzzle while quietly thrilled his plan worked, vowing to get rid of Sam. He then approached Sam to talk the plan for tribal, where they agreed to split the vote between Michelle and Ben. He then did the walk around, getting everyone to agree to get vote out Sam. Sarah however, was not so sure.

While Sam tried to confirm the split between Michelle and Ben, she and Mark were feeling nervous about tribal and felt that something was up. Mark then used his army training to try and get some information out of Sarah, which she skillfully danced around. She however wasn’t feeling great and now wanted Mark out. He then continued to alienate people, approaching Jacqui and Kent to confirm the Michelle/Ben vote with Kent also wanting to get rid of Mark. Not to be outdone, Sam then approached people in the shelter and was so intense that I have no idea who they’re actually going to boot.

We arrived at tribal council where JLP’s guns were on point, as usual, while welcoming Asaga back. Kent spoke about his joy at avoiding tribal for so long, though was glad to finally put his brain to use again. Mark tried to play the diplomat, talking about the challenge being close and everyone pulling their weight at camp. Henry continued to play defeated for blowing the challenge before Luke joked that Henry and Sarah were responsible for them losing. Sam through some shade on people not pulling their weight, before Michelle and Ben jumped in to defend themselves and say that while they have no idea how to camp – preach – they are trying, in their own way.

Talk quickly turned to people overplaying, with Sarah pointing out that someone going too hard too soon creates too much tension. This made Sam nervous, as she quickly tried to defend herself and get people to see the game her way. Michelle once again jumped in, knowing that Sam’s way involves her torch getting snuffed. Queen Jacqui then gave the perfect analogy for the game, saying that while you play Monopoly with your friends, you still buy Mayfair, build hotels and try to wipe them out. Sam spoke loyalty, before Michelle mentioned she was feeling confident that she would see day 17, earning a smirk from Sam.

Sadly that smirk was quickly wiped off her face as Henry’s plan came to fruition and she became the sixth boot. While she was super intense in the game – which is ultimately how I think I would play – Sam took her boot in her stride and showed a whole lot of class – which is not something people would ever say about me. I’ve known Sam for years, both being huge deals on the running circuit (actual footage of me running at the end of the pack). While I did consider Tonya Harding her to give myself a chance, I knew that ultimately I would be terrible in prison and vowed to support her career and ride her coattails. My way to her heart was via a batch of my Salmontha Hashcakes.

 

 

While I have a passionate hate for seafood, I knew that these semi-healthy – fish = healthy, ok – treats were the only way to win her over after my threats. I then tried them and was pleasantly surprised by how good they were – hot, zesty and light, they are the perfect thing to help you work through the pain of having your tribe flip on you. Or Mondayitis, which has similar symptoms.

Enjoy!

 

 

Salmontha Hashcakes
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
600g potatoes, cut into a 1cm dice
½ frozen peas, defrosted
400g tinned (skinless and boneless) salmon
½ a bunch of fresh chives, finely chopped
1 lemon
1 tbsp chilli
2 tbsp flour
salt and pepper, to taste
1 egg, lightly whisked
olive oil

Method
Bring a pot of salted water to the boil over high heat. Once rollicking like the Samoan surf, add the potatoes, reduce heat to medium and simmer for around 10 minutes. Add the peas and cook for a further minute before draining in a colander. Mash the potatoes and peas, and leave to cool completely.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Once cooled, add the chunks of salmon, chives, zest of the lemon, chilli, flour, a good whack of salt and pepper and the egg. Combine with your hands and divide into 8 balls. Flatten into cakes, place on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with some olive oil and bake for about twenty minutes, or until golden, crisp and cooked through.

Serve immediately with some lemon wedges and a salad, or just with the wedges if it’s a snack.

 

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Aimiso Stanton Soup

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Main, Side, Snack, Soup, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor, Jericho gave into temptation and took a jar of cookies to build his own army, which I still feel is not going to end well for him. On the other hand Tarzan couldn’t bring himself to deceive the tribe. After Asaga took out yet another immunity challenge, Tarzan continued his streak of selflessness by finding and gifting an idol to Tessa, who used it at tribal council, sending Tarzan out of the game as the fourth boot instead of their planned target Locky, who AK told to split the vote.

Back at camp, Tessa was feeling sad about Tarzan going out in the process of saving her, though things quickly turned smug when she realised that she survived the second tribal she shouldn’t have. While everyone tried to stay warm by the fire, AK confirmed that he was planning to flip on the mega-alliance as soon as he could, and intended to use the one person tribe that is Tessa.

Meanwhile at Asaga, Jericho continued to gorge on cookies while everyone slept, like a slightly more likeable version of Taylor Stocker. He then decided that he needed to expand his cookie army beyond Luke and Henry, pulling Sarah into the fold under the guise that she is the only one he could tell. Again, this will come back and bite him in the arse – mark my words!

The next day Samatau struggled to catch fish, while Tessa struggled to make friends. Given the fact that Locky is universally beloved, both AK and Tessa spoke about needing to take him out as quickly as possible. As the weather started to deteriorate, AK approached Ziggy and Jarrad to confirm that they are still tight, and vowed to pull Tessa in to make a move. Tessa, obvi was thrilled to get a second (third, or fourth) chance in the game.

That night Luke and Jericho returned to eating cookies in front of camp while everyone slept, finishing them off and sadly proving my prediction that he’s get screwed wrong. I mean, fuck, even when he went and threw crumbs on his sleeping tribe mates, it didn’t bloody backfire. I was wrong … and I will never say that ever again.

Back at Samatau, AK reminded us that he wants Locky gone at the next possible opportunity. Though Locky wasn’t 100% falling for the stories AK was telling him, he knew it was important to agree with AK before running straight over to Tara to fill her in on AK’s supposed plans. Tara then pulled Aimee aside before AK seemingly got anxious, and joined the girls to confirm he still wants Tessa gone which made Tara start to think that AK needed to go.

It shouldn’t really be a surprise when Samatau lose the next immunity, given the fact Asaga has had two scenes of cookie eating and Samatau has been complete and utter bedlam.

Wanting to see if my predictions have gotten any better, JoJo returned for the next immunity challenge where Asaga were shocked to see Tarzan booted at the last tribal council. The challenge required each tribe to form a chain while holding up discs between the hands of each tribe member, the last tribe with a single disc standing being the winner.

Once again, Henry played his fauxgi role well, coaching his tribe to breathe before Sarah and Kent became the first disc to drop. Peter and Anneliese dropped Samatau’s first disc, followed by Sam and Mark, and Jarrad and Locky, before a rapid chain of drop-outs led to a showdown between Ziggy and AK, and Henry and Mark. After more than an hour and a half of absolute struggle from AK, he and Ziggy finally dropped their disc, handing Asaga immunity and Samatau to their fourth tribal council in a row.

Before even leaving the cliff, Jarrad whispered to Tessa that they had to make a move tonight, making me extremely nervous for my thirst trap Locky. Arriving back at camp did nothing to lessen my fear, as the tribe all locked in their vote for Tessa before AK approached Tessa to float the idea of getting rid of Aimee, with Jarrad and Ziggy.

Thinking that Pete would be the best possible option to get rid of Aimee, Jarrad pulled him aside to float the idea of getting rid of Aimee. Going one further he floated the possibility of getting rid of his friend Tara, who he could see was getting very close with Locky and Aimee. Not to be outdone, Tara then pulled Tessa aside while eating to dinner to float the idea of getting rid of AK at tribal. Seeing AK’s scheming coming together, Tara, Aimee and Locky started to get more and more anxious about the numbers and approached Anneliese to lock her in to help them get rid of him.

At tribal council AK continued to feel bad about losing yet another immunity challenge before Locky pointed out that he was proud of both he and Ziggy for fighting so hard for their tribe. Putting an end to the lovefest, Tessa was asked if she still felt on the outs which she confirmed, she did … though this time, she was strangely quiet about it. The rest of the tribe all danced around how tight the alliance was before Aimee had it with the bullshit and said that the eight wasn’t as tight as they thought.

The reactions ranged from shock, delight and anxiety as the truth floated around tribal before AK tried to get the performance back on track, saying that their are eight people in the alliance and one person to vote for. Tara then decided to join in the truth bomb action, saying that they do need to start thinking of what comes next. Everyone threw out some suitable vague comments before they headed off to vote, while I popped an aspirin to get rid of my confusion induced headache.

The votes quickly started to pile up on AK, before Locky, Tara and Aimee were shocked to see them roll in for the latter, sending her out of the game as the fifth boot. Given the fact she was spewin’ and I had a headache from all the confusion, I thought I’d whip up something soothing for me and my dear friend – and personal plumber – to help us recuperate. Something like my Aimiso Stanton Soup, for instance.

 

 

I mean, sure, it isn’t a pot and a parmie at the local pub like se wanted, but I took her spewin’ comment literally, and felt it my duty to make something nourishing and spicy to help perk her up. Plus – how can you go past miso soup? It is super fresh and tasty. I’ll make you a parmie for All Stars, ok Ames?

Enjoy!

 

 

Aimiso Stanton Soup
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 tbsp sesame oil
1 tbsp dried wakame seaweed
1L vegetable stock
1 tbsp fish sauce
1 tsp oyster sauce
100g mushrooms, thinly sliced
1 tbsp sriracha
300g silken tofu, cut into 2cm dice
¼ cup white miso
1 shallot, very thinly sliced

Method
Heat the sesame oil in a pot over medium heat. Add the wakame and fry for a minute, or until fragrant. Add the stock, fish and oyster sauces, mushrooms and sriracha, reduce heat to low and cook for twenty minutes.

Add the tofu and miso and cook until miso dissolves.

Ladle into bowls, sprinkle with shallots and down, down, ay.

 

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Mark Herlaaroumi Fries

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Party Food, Side, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor, Locky and Tarzan had a post-challenge twist while Tara and Tessa faced off, I assumed to become the dominant T lady of the tribe. At Asaga, Jacry were controlling the tribe and plotted to throw the challenge, to get rid of Sam. Despite Henny’s best efforts, they ended up winning immunity, sending Samatu back to tribal where Tessa dug her hole so deep, I’m still shocked Kate was booted.

Samatau returned to camp where Tessa was completely shocked to still be alive in the game, thought was thankful slash confused to Tarzan, who saved her despite her aggressive performance at tribal. While she apologise to the tribe for her harsh words, she was sorry not soz and gave me serious Kat Dumont vibes and I am LIVING for it. Tara on the other hand, was not living for it.

The next day Jericho awoke confused as to what day it was before Luke spoke about how skinny he was, desperate for some luxury and or food. Wanting to cut Lukey’s grass, Sam tried to bond with Jericho, who spoke about his religion and the fact his Christian morals are not something he brought with him.

Over at Samatau Tessa was still shocked to still be in the game, with Tarzan confessing to her and Locky that he felt she deserved to stay and said she owed him nothing, seemingly genuinely, showing he is far more shrewd than people seem to believe. On the flipside – geddit? – Tara was still seething about the blow up, though approached Tessa by the shore to clear the air, knowing that she may need her one day soon. While it shows she is more aware than people give her credit for, Tessa was not buying it.

Not wanting to rehash the post drama any longer, JoJo arrived to lord over the reward challenge where he would release a shit tonne of coconuts into the ocean, where the tribes would have to race and collect them, ferry them back to the beach, collecting two tribe members along the way and shoot them at three targets. Given the fact it was for tea, coffee and spices, it was a serious challenge.

Both tribes strategised hard pre-game before Kent tried to win me over in his dickies. While Mark got out to an early lead for Asaga, Ziggy’s water polo skills shone, making extremely quick work of tossing the coconuts. Sadly Locky wasn’t great at balancing on the board, while fauxgi Henry’s balance allowed Asaga to overtake and pull away. Thankfully for my babe Locky, Samatau managed to close the gap while Asaga were getting their eye in and took out reward.

Back at camp, Samatu were on a high anticipating all the flavour to come. Wanting to put some icing on the cake that is their victory, Tarzan went out searching for fish when he stumbled across an option a temptation for cookies and firewood. While he battled with the weight of the dilemma, we checked in with Asaga where Luke was feeling guilty for losing the challenge where Jericho stumbled upon the same dilemma while searching for firewood. While his nips were on point, his reasoning was not, electing to take the secret food which is never a good option when it can so easily be found out, given the other tribe will obviously have the same option.

On the flipside, Tarzan continued to show his aptitude for the game, bringing firewood back to camp, showing them the note and pointing out what he gave up. Well played Tarzan, good luck navigating out of that Jericho. While his plan seemed ok in theory – using the cookies to build alliances – I don’t see it ending well offering Henry some cookies, and not Jacqui.

Over at Samatau, Tessa was still stressed out about being on the bottom of the alliance and approached Locky and Ziggy about saving her, which they felt wasn’t an option. Out of nowhere, Tarzan appeared to throw out the fact they need to target the weakest player, which is Anneliese, rather than Tessa. While they still weren’t receptive, Tessa knew that pushing it wasn’t a good idea and instead went idol hunting.

Jericho continued to act obnoxious about his cookie haul at Asaga, pulling Henry aside under the cover of darkness before enjoying a second round in the bushes with Luke. While he seemingly got away with the sneakiness, he did bury the jar in his shirt which you just know is going to be discovered. Hopefully.

Lil JoJo returned to the screens for the immunity challenge, where I’m hoping that Samatau can end their losing streak … and Locky can end his now two episode clothing streak, streaking and showing us his end. The challenge involved the tribes splitting into two teams, one finalising an obstacle course while the others ran the course without touching the ground. Samatau got out to an early lead with a rolling technique over the makeshift net obstacle. They then took a leaf out of the Parvati walking on two poles book, carrying each member across while balancing on only one. While Asaga caught up carrying the sandbags over the ladder, Samatau managed to close the gap just before Henry secured the third straight immunity for Asaga.

Tessa was not feeling confident arriving back at camp, so immediately darted off to search for an idol while the mega alliance of eight plus Tarzan reconfirmed that she was next to go. While she was having zero luck finding the idol, Tarzan went searching for it himself and quickly came up with the goods. He then approached Locky to let him know that he would join them in voting Tessa, making sure that they didn’t have a backup boot for a split vote. Locky found the exchange a bit awkward, though I’m not sure if he found it awkward enough for me to feel secure.

Continuing to work hard for Tessa, Tarzan approached AK and showed he and Tessa that he had the idol and wanted to take out one of the bigwigs of the alliance. Aka nude angel, Locky. After passing the idol straight on to Tessa, she got extremely emotional and grateful while Tarzan continued to work on AK to join them.

They arrived at tribal council where Jonathan was quick to point out that Ziggy and AK let the team down, before rubbing salt in Tessa’s bottom-of-the-alliance wounds. While Tessa pointed out that the mega-majority would eventually have to turn on themselves, Locky was quick to deflect the fact that he is in charge. Tessa once again gave an aggressive tribal council performance, while Jarrad kind of bumbled through the questions. Tara pointed out that Tessa chastised her for playing the game but is now imploring people to do the same, Anneliese felt Tessa and Tarzan wouldn’t be loyal to her if she flipped, Tarzan spoke about being loyal which Locky disagreed with, while AK tried to avoid giving away which way he would go, before hinting that Tessa may knock someone out that is not expecting it.

While it got a very smug reaction from Peter and Anneliese, their smiles quickly turned to frowns when Tessa pulled out the idol. The votes rolled in for Tessa, before Locky was startled to receive a vote … which thankfully was the only one he received, as the tribe rightfully split the votes between Tessa and Tarzan, sending the latter from the game like Rohan last year who gave up his idol to save Phoebe, only to get the boot.

While I love Tarzan, that is well played AK. As a lime farmer, Tarzan and I have been dear friends for years on account of the fact I used to be heir to the greatest fruit dynasty of Porpoise Spit inspiration, Tweed Heads.

I wasn’t sure how to feel to see Tarzan at loser lodge – I was disappointed in him for giving his idol to Tessa, thankful Locky lives to get nude another day, sad that he couldn’t work with my wet dream to go all the end … but ultimately thankful to smash some Mark Herlaaroumi Fries.

 

 

Fries are amazing, as is halloumi. Fries made out of halloumi? Well, that is a more of a wet dream than Locky.

Enjoy!

Oh, and the sauce is yoghurt, so don’t panic.

 

 

Mark Herlaaroumi Fries
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
½ cup Greek yoghurt
1 lemon, zested, then cut into wedges for serving
1 tbsp harissa
¼ cup mint leave, cut
75g plain flour
500g halloumi, cut into fries
olive oil

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the yoghurt, zest, harissa and half the mint in a bowl. Stir to combine, cover and place in the fridge to cool.

Place the flour in a bowl, toss through the halloumi and place on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with oil and bake for fifteen minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Remove from the oven, transfer to a dish, top with fresh mint and serve with the harissa yoghurt and lemon wedges. Devour, dripping in sauce.

 

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Mochate Temby Ice Cream

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, 24 strangers were marooned in Samoa with Locky continuing to buck my trend of only backing middle-aged women to be my firm favourite. Emphasis on firm, given his second straight episode of nudity. Tara, Jacqui and Henry were also amazing, the latter two finding the Asaga idol together. At Samatau Adam wasn’t so lucky on his idol hunt, with AK snatching it from under his nose, questionably playing it on Jarrad, and Adam becoming the second boot.

Back at camp Samatau congratulated AK on his move slash surviving tribal and it seems the plan to secure Jarrad’s loyalty was paying since Jarrad is too nice to turn on him. Sadly Locky kept his pants on for the entire pre-credits scene. Should we start a prayer circle? Dearest RuPaul … sorry, wrong show.

Just like that, Luke and Jericho had some nocturnal cuddles through the night at Asaga and my belief in RuPaul, gay god, was reconfirmed. On the hetero end of the spectrum, Sam and Mark snuggled through the night and made themselves targets. Isn’t it nice that Survivor is the one game where being a heterosexual couple is considered an issue?

The next day, Locky and Jarrad spoke about Tessa and Kate being on the out, finally introducing us to Dr Tessa … who was well pissed about Tara flipping on their alliance. The boys were feeling very confident in their misfits alliance – I love living in a world where someone that looks like Locky is a misfit – while Tessa and Kate cornered Tara to find out where they stood, and we learnt that Tara is more across everything that is going on than her tribe mates give her credit for.

Over at the couples retreat that is Asaga, Mark W spoke about having a crush on Sam, though acknowledged she was dangerous. Michelle was jealous to not have that kind of love on the outside – it is day seven Mich and this is not The Bachelor – while Henry and Jacqui discussed the possibility of using their idol to get rid of Sam and break them up. Side note: wouldn’t that be an amazing twist on The Bachelor? Jacry entering the mansion to sabotage budding couples?!

Wanting to putting an end to my corporate cross-promotion of the Bachelor, JLP arrived for the reward challenge where Jacs thought getting rid of Adam was a dud move on Samatau’s part. Anneliese tried to defend the decision, but her umming and ahhing wastn’t overly convincing. Continuing in the killer challenge tradition, the tribes had to push a giant balls through obstacles, push it over a bridge, have two tribe members mount and ride it between two platforms, toss some rings to drop a ramp and allow the remaining tribe mates to push it up an incline and into a hole, for comfort and a tarp. Which is pretty much what I do with my balls for comfort, so it all makes perfect sense.

Asaga got out to an early lead with the obstacle before Jarrad dominating riding the balls, overtaking Jacqui and giving Samatau the lead. Despite Jericho’s best efforts to catch-up, Samatau took out victory … and almost Ziggy, as she followed the ball into the hole. Locky was not happy – swoon – about the her almost injury and told Mark H he needs to listen and pull it back, setting up a feud that I’d rather not witness as I kinda dig Australia’s Tarzan. Plus if anyone needed to be yelled at, it is Locky … for keeping his pants on.

Back at camp Mark H – who henceforward I will agree to called Tarzan – spoke about Locky feeling threatened by him and decided to have some fun, throwing shade at Locky’s shelter building ability. It may be my rose coloured glasses, but I feel like Locky still came off as the good guy in this sitch.

Meanwhile over at Asaga, Sam started to realise that being a coupled up control freak isn’t the best in this game. She then proceeded to approach literally every person in the tribe about whether they have heard her name thrown around, which Odette, Jacqui and Kent handled with ease and Sarah went up in my books by telling her straight up, that running around talking to everyone is making her look paranoid.

Kate and Tessa were still scrambling over at Samatau, plotting about which crack to target to get an in with the tribe – enter AK, stage right! Kate pulled him aside to point out that he is on the bottom of the current majority and should flip, which is completely logical except she was kinda patronising about it, so I don’t know if he’ll actually listen. While this went down, Tarzan and Locky brooded at opposite ends of the beach, post-fight, which Tessa used to her advantage, seeing if Tarzan was feeling ok and seamlessly transitioned into propositioning him to go idol hunting with her later on, as people wouldn’t question him poking around the jungle.

Back at Asaga, Sam continued to act extremely paranoid and pulled Henry and Jacqui aside to reconfirm their alliance by the fire. While it was hardly a success, she was perceptive enough to notice that Henry and Jacqui are closer than people think. Playing the role of guard dog well, Mark W followed Jacry to the well to make sure they weren’t plotting against them. They then returned to camp and were greeted by Kent informing them Mark was definitely sent on Sam’s behalf, firmly planting the target on her back for Jacqui and Henry vowing to throw the challenge. Mark – no pun intended – my words, don’t cross Jacry.

On that note, JLP returned for said immunity challenge where Henry reconfirmed that he will be throwing the challenge, Ziggy and Peter pointed out their reward tarp was quite small and Michelle mentioned she hates roughing it, which I get, but it’s a terrible thing to say before an immunity challenge. Said challenge, required the tribes to row a raft out around crates, diving into the water to retrieve keys, returning to the shore, releasing wood and working the wood into a bigger tower than a guide pole.

Samatau got out to an early lead thanks to Locky’s lead, while Asaga fell behind thanks to Henry’s deliberately awful leadership. Despite poor Kent’s best efforts with the knots Samatau returned to the beach well before Henry left Asaga tethered to the mooring and then acted as a brake on the row back to the beach. Asaga returned to the beach while Samatau’s tower was well above the height of people, but miraculously caught up and took home immunity, much to Henry’s dismay.

A defeated Samatau returned to camp to commence scrambling, with Tessa and Kate clearly on the outs as the mega-alliance of eight decided to get rid of Tessa at tribal. As soon as they broke up, Tessa pounced on AK and Jarrad and got to work trying to convince them to flip and get rid of Tara with she, Kate and Tarzan. Not wanting to rest on their laurels, they then approached Locky to try and get him to flip for shits and giggles. Tara and Tessa got together to acknowledge they were both targeting each other, with Tara rightfully pointing out that she told Adam she was out and didn’t actually flip and the tension kind diffused … which obviously meant it was time for tribal.

Jonathan started off by rubbing salt in their wounds, pointing out they have a habit of blowing early leads. Aimee was too focused to notice Asaga catching up, aye, while Tarzan pointed out that it sometimes is just the luck of the day and that the tribe definitely needs to come together as a single tribe. AK agreed, which got some laughs from JLP since he was on the bottom last episode, before Tessa launched into an attack on Tara which backfired completely, with her allies coming to her defense. While Kate played the situation quite well, Tessa continued to attack Tara for flipping which Peter pointed out is ironic, since that is what she wants AK to do to save her.

The votes quickly piled up on Tessa and Kate, with Tessa somehow surviving the vote and Kate sent out of the game as the third boot. I’ve known Kate for years, meeting in Västervik in Sweden while she was working as an investment banker. While she deemed me and my plan to sell naked images of my boyfriend Skarsy a bad investment (something about needing his consent, which was not part of the business plan), she did appreciate me trying to sweeten the deal with some Mochate Temby Ice Cream.

 

 

This no-churn ice cream is the perfect dessert, requiring minimal effort for maximum gain. The intense coffee flavour smacks you in the face, while the chocolate biscuits soften the flavour and give some much needed crunch. And, well, the entire mocha element I guess.

Enjoy!

 

 

Mochate Temby Ice Cream
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
600ml double cream
395g condensed milk
¼ cup instant espresso powder
¼ cup cooled espresso or Tia Maria
250g chocolate biscuits, crushed

Method
Whisk the double cream, condensed milk, espresso powder and coffee or Tia Maria until soft peaks form. Do not over whip or it will become too firm.

Fold through the chocolate biscuits, decant into an airtight container and freeze overnight.

Then, if you were able to wait, devour.

 

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Adam Pumpkin Spiced Latte

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Drink, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor JLP marooning 24 new castaways on Samoa where Locky quickly became my favourite by taking off his clothes, with Tara a close second for her relatable thirst and AK a distant twenty-fourth for being insufferable. After an epic immunity challenge – where not-military man Mark W dominated on the very military rope obstacle – targets were firmly painted on Joan and Kent’s back after losing the puzzle. Despite a last ditch effort from Luke to flip the script on control-freak Sam, Joan became the first boot of Survivor and Kent lived to see another day.

Back at camp Kent got to work winning everyone over telling them there were no hard feelings and he wouldn’t kill them in their sleep that night. After that faux pas, Sam quickly confirmed that she was pissed off about the votes not falling how she was expecting and Luke continued to look like some that’s been drinking heavily since lunch but is trying to play it cool in front of the in-laws.

Over at the triumphant Samatau, a sadly clothed Locky was feeling the love and basking in the glow of the fire while AK realised he screwed up within the first few days and broke down on the beach by himself. Secret poker player Adam went to see if he was ok, though didn’t actually care which makes Adam a tad more likeable.

Meanwhile Sam was still seething back at Asaga, despite being in an almost-majority alliance with Mark W, Henry, Sarah and Jacqui. Meanwhile Michelle, the one that Sam trusts the least, is spearheading a counter alliance with skittish Luke, Odette, Jericho and Ben, leaving Kent in the middle like Malcolm. Side note: he kind of looks like an old man version of Frankie Muniz, no?

Giving up on pursuing Sharks, Mark decided to go fishing while Adam went fishing for the Samatau majority, pulling in Tara, Kate, Peter and Ziggy, which makes my boner for Locky concerned despite five does not equal a majority. Feeling screwed, AK decided to try and fool Jarrad into believing that he had a – and I quote – chicken idol, which for some reason Jarrad bought, spreading it to Anneliese, Aimee, Locky, Tara and Adam spooking literally everyone.

I think sensing my growing anger at AK, JLP returned for the first reward challenge of the season – for fishing gear and an outrigger canoe – requiring tribe members to square off against each other greasing up like Willie and racing down a slide to grab a ball and stick it in a hole.

First up were Locky and Mark W where Locky quickly scored the first point for Samatau, Adam quickly scored over Luke, Jericho beat Peter followed by Queen Jacqui tying things up against Anneliese. Mark H quickly won my heart, dacking Ben and giving us our first bum of the challenge. Shocking no one, waterpolo champion Ziggy scored for Samatau, Jarrad smoke Kent and Aimee extended their lead before AK used his walk up to the start with Henry to tell him how badly he is doing, before getting salt rubbed in the wounds with Henry dominating. Sam and Sarah continued to catch Asaga up before Locky and Mark W arrived for their second battle where the latter became my second favourite castaway, quickly pulling Locky’s pant completely off, leaving him to dive for victory in uncensored glory.

Praise Channel 10 not pixelating! I’ll be back in five, bare … with me. Seriously, this is two episodes from two with Locky’s arse and I am LIVING FOR IT.

Back at Samatau, Locky was glad to have secure the win despite losing some dignity. But seriously Locky, NO, dat ass – YAS GAWD. Never apologise for that. While going through their loot, AK noticed an idol clue hidden in the outrigger, as did Adam, leading to Adam getting his allies to distract AK to take it for himself. He quickly shared the clue with Kate, discovering that the idol was hidden on an island off their beach, securing them only AK rage.

Meanwhile over at Asaga, Luke continued to act skittish and therefore decided it was a great idea to channel Tony and build a spy shack. Thankfully Jacqui brought some dignity and excitement to the affair, snatching the idol clue from the well with Henry which the latter hid down his pants, making me realise that I’d really like Mark W to dack him sometime soon. After a quick search around camp, Henry and Jacqui secured the Asaga idol and became the improved Australian Survivor power couple – move El and Lee, I think we’ve found our Romber!

Over at Samatau, we finally met Peter where he spoke about hating nature which is in an instant win in my book. Adam quickly took the attention, searching unsuccessful for the idol – which was directly under his hands – in plain sight of the remaining tribe members who were busy building their house. AK then went over to search for the idol while Adam started threatening Queen Tara, Kate and Ziggy, saying that if they don’t help, they are against him. The girls quickly shut him down, correctly pointing out shelter is more important that proving their loyalty to one person of the twelve person tribe.

Ziggy and Locky went with Adam to try and put a stop to AK finding the idol, where Locky quickly discovered the string to the immunity idol wrapper. Assuming that Adam either found the idol from the very obvious clue or is a completely moron, Locky and Ziggy kindly went with the former. Wanting to continue painting a target on his back, Adam then decided to threaten them to vote him out. Seriously, he and AK should align to get booted back-to-back.

After all the idol excitement, JLP returned for a downright dirty – hopefully in a Locky writhing around naked in the sand kind of way – immunity challenge where the castaways had to race through a mud pit, through some bamboo, then through a wall, play an island version of whack-a-mole and knock down tiles with a club. Samatau got out to an early lead with (a sadly clothed) Locky dominating the obstacles for his tribe, while Asaga was held back by Kent who was the polar opposite to my lover, Lock.

Samatau continued to dominate with the pegging section, before Adam blew a fraction of their lead not knowing how to open a draw. Despite throwing the clubs with an Olympic water polo player, AK quickly knocked out Samatau’s first three idols before Henry and Jacqui finally got in the game. Being the power couple we all deserve, Jacry quickly caught up and took out immunity for Asaga.

A defeated Samatau returned to camp where Anneliese was feeling nervous after choking in the challenge. Adam was also feeling anxious after his earlier idol faux pas, which was confirmed as Locky – again, sadly clothed – told the girls while washing the mud off his torso that if AK doesn’t play an idol tonight, Adam is guaranteed to have the idol.

AK continued to pretend he had the fake chicken idol, which nobody was buying at all which I think is a ploy to attract votes so he can play his real idol and get rid of a threat. Anneliese, Peter, Locky, Aimee and Jarrad plotted to split the vote between Adam and Kate, while Adam tried to win back Tara and secure some numbers. Thankfully for him, AK continued to act hella sketchy and made Jarrad uncomfortable just before leaving for tribal council.

Jonathan quickly got to work needling the tribe with Aimee, mate, talking about how much the rain was hurting them, mate. Ziggy and Tara spoke about trust, the latter quite awkwardly trying to avoid the truth, before quickly doing an about face and explaining that AK and Adam were acting paranoid and crazy the day before. AK and Adam had a little back and forth arguing about who has the idol before Aimee finally became likeable, roasting AK for his shitty attempt at a fake idol and confirming Adam is playing way too aggressively.

Adam tried to backpedal – off topic, but I think Peter and I have the same glasses – before he and AK fought a bit more and Anneliese announced that she felt expendable as they headed off to vote. Oh and nope, Peter and I do not have the same glasses. Proving my two-pars-ago theory correct, AK pulled the actual idol out of the bag – where do you think he got the string for his chicken idol? – and then PLAYED IT FOR JARRAD. The votes rolled in for AK, Anneliese and Kate, before piling up on Adam and sending him out of the game as the second boot. Despite feuding aggressively on the Queensland poker circuit, I couldn’t be too cruel to my frenemy, low-rent-Parko, so took him in a tepid embrace and whipped him up a kind, yet non-committal-date-esque Adam Pumpkin Spiced Latte.

 

 

The Pumpkin Spice Latte is probably Starbucks’ most famous holiday flavoured beverage and for good reason, it is sickly delicious (and coffee in America sucks, so you need syrup). While my version isn’t as sweet, it is just as amazing with the delicate hint of vanilla, whack of pumpkin and spices perfectly mingling with the coffee to make me consider supporting Christmas in July as a thing.

Enjoy!

 

 

Adam Pumpkin Spiced Latte
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
1 cup milk
1 tbsp pumpkin puree
1 tsp muscovado sugar
½ tsp vanilla
pinch of cinnamon and nutmeg
2 shots freshly brewed coffee

Method
Combine the milk, puree, sugar, vanilla and spices in a small saucepan over low heat and whisk until piping hot. I mean, it doesn’t get too foamy like a latte should, but it will do.

Pour the shots of coffee into a latte glass, slowly pour in the milk, sprinkle with cinnamon and devour.

Well down, but devour is kinda my thing.

 

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Breakfast Joan Caballnaro

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Breakfast, Main, Pasta, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor – hang on a minute, this is the premiere. Why am I getting recap vibes? I mean, yas yas yas for the Samoan sea witch tribute … but we’ve got new castaways to meet, greet and roast.

After an epic yet strangely rushed intro from JLP, we opened on the new castaways sitting on a boat in the pouring rain at night before legit meeting our first castaway military Mark W, my potential new boyfriend Locky, who is feeling very confident about his upcoming victory. We then met Jacqui who is an absolute queen and I am desperately hoping actually pulls out the win. We then met Sarah – who survived Naomi Campbell, so is a definite frontrunner – followed by Mark H aka good Des who is, well, the duck’s nuts.

We then met Aimee the plumber – not a hairdresser, a plumber (and a bogan) – Henry the faux yogi – fauxgi? – the pious Jericho who is planning on dragging people to hell with him, Jarrad the freak and weirdo who is prettier than he is giving himself credit for, shady Joan who is proudly better than last year’s cast and AK the DJ. Just let those four letters sit with you, AK. DJ.

JLP arrived to put me out of my AK misery and welcome the new castaways, congratulating Mark H on his killer beard and introducing us to Sam who was shitting herself, and not appearing to endear herself to her fellow castaways. We then heard from Luke who rambled and confused the hell out of me before JLP lost interest and checked in with our fauxgi who Sarah is thrilled to be on Samatau with, while Luke and his Asagan were feeling super confident that they would dominate.

Given his rambled introduction, I’m going to assume they will not in fact dominate.

With that, JLP kicked off the game telling the castaways that they could loot the barge for supplies, fill up an floating net before diving off the ship and racing the other tribe to a bag of rice on the shore. JLP being JLP had a twist up his sleeve, with the first tribe to the rice getting to keep everything in their raft while the losers had to set up camp with nothing.

I mean, it isn’t the winner takes it all but it sure is brutal.

Both tribes scrambled about the boat and quickly got to work pushing their nets to shore. Poor, confused Luke kinda flopped off the side of the boat, while Locky decided it was best for Samatau to throw some of their supplies into the water to lighten their load and speed up their swim to the beach. Given the fact the loser gets nothing, it kind of made sense.

Asaga struggled when they arrived at the beach allowing Samatau to catch-up, dump pretty much everything else in their net, pick it up on their shoulders and run to the mat. Jarrad then climbed on his tribes’ shoulders to grab the bag of rice, before Asaga caught up and threw Sam into the fray. The two battled it out, hanging on to the hook before Sam fell off and handing Jarrad the victory.

Samatau arrived at their beach, feeling rightfully cocky before we met my other favourite Tara aka the first good barrel racer to play Survivor. The tribe then did their introductions where we also met Adam the gym owner slash secret poker player. Despite not wanting to, Locky took the lead and got the tribe working on building their shelter which Tara was living for because he is an absolute babe.

We then met Anneliese who was also thirsty, but not as charmingly as Tara. Tara is me, I am Tara, I am a queen, Tara is queen … you hear?

AK pulled himself … aside trying to make alliances with everyone starting with Mark H, followed by Peter – who he wanted to clarify was gay before locking anything in – Tara and Jarrad. I mean I shouldn’t be shocked since he can only muster two letters, but I find him insufferable.

Meanwhile over at the decidedly less affluent Asaga, Sarah was feeling positive despite the fact they have absolutely nothing. The tribe quickly got to work trying to figure out what the hell they would do, with Joan taking the lead, tasking her tribe mates to build a shelter. They then wandered around for hours before settling on a location, which you just know is not a good sign for their longevity.

Sam confessed to being a control freak before Luke returned to try and win me over by talking about his family, though there is just something so insufferable about him. Mark then returned to talk about the fact he was hiding his military past to appear less threatening, though Jacqui was loving his skills.

We then met Kent who is a dickhead, his word.

Back at Samatau we got some skinny dipping from Locky and  … I dunno, I’m moister than an oyster. Night fell – with Locky sadly clothed – and in rolled the rain, which AK was loving as he was mentally prepared for it. My queen Tara then started to fall ill, leaving the shelter to vomit. AK quickly followed to see how she was … no wait, he was seeing if they were good, not if she was good.

AK, forget you, go home, goodbye.

The next day Samatau awoke to the reality that sleeping in the rain was not all that enjoyable before treemail arrived for the first challenge, requiring each tribe to send two people to compete for fire. Mark H and Adam competed for Samatau, the latter of who tried to tell Jacqui and Mark W how great things were at their camp. Thankfully Mark H – dare I say it, my king – quickly shut him down, admitting that they had nothing and really needed the win.

The challenge involved each tribe starting a fire on a station and building it high enough to burn through a rope aka the final four tie breaker. Samatau got out to an early lead with Mark H building a strong, smoky flame, while young Mark and Jacqui scrapped the magnesium off the flint and stood around. That being said it was a winning strategy, with old Mark and storytelling Adam’s fire quickly dwindling and young Mark and Jacqui’s slowly building to burn through the rope.

Jacqui and Mark W returned to camp victorious, bringing Joan to tears and making Kent look awkward. While Jacs was loving the positive attention, Mark was concerned that winning the challenge exposed his mad skills … which is a good point, but I think people are more concerned about fire at the moment to worry.

Over at Samatau, Locky and Mark H tried and failed to kill a shark. That is literally it.

The next day Asaga awoke to Joan gloating about her glorious night’s sleep before she got everyone motivated for the first immunity challenge. Being an escape room owner, she is confident in her puzzle skills which makes me feel extremely anxious about her bombing the puzzle and therefore the challenge for her tribe.

My dear JLP returned for the immunity challenge where Joan spoke about how well their tribe was going, while Tara mentioned that Samatau was struggling due to having rice but no fire to cook it. With that, JLP explained the first immunity challenge, requiring the tribes to crawl under an obstacle, climb up ropes to release a cargo net, push crates to build a staircase, climb over a wall and then … a puzzle.

Asaga got out to an early lead with Mark H’s rope climbing skills, before Peter caught Samatau up. The tribes were neck and neck pushing their boxes down to build a staircase before Samatau opted not to build the entire staircase and instead have dreamy, skinny-dipping Locky push everyone up to the top of the wall, before Adam, Mark H and Peter pulled the stranding Locky over the wall.

Despite Locky’s hero performance, Asaga caught up leaving Jarrad and Luke to battle it out releasing the puzzle pieces leaving Anneliese and AK and Joan and Kent to secure victory with the puzzle. After struggling with the knots, Joah managed to pull out in front before hitting a dead end giving Samatau time to remove all the pieces, start again and take out immunity.

Back at camp Joan was feeling rightfully anxious about tribal, while Kent likened himself to a star footballer stumbling at the last hurdle. Kent joined with Sam and Jacqui, the former of whom wanted Joan gone while Jacs was happy to just go with the flow. Not wanting to lay down and get voted out, Joan pulled everyone aside and tried to put the target on Kent.

Meanwhile Odette rallied Ben, Michelle and Jericho to target Joan, while Sam loitered in the bushes like a low rent Sandra Diaz-Twine. Sam then pulled Sarah aside to talk about getting rid of Joan, decided to tell Joan it was Kent, which Joan bought.

Kent hung in his dickies in the ocean with Jacs and Henry before Sam decided to overcomplicate the vote, splitting it 6-4 on Joan and Kent. Shocking no one, that aroused suspicion in Sam, leading Luke to try and flip the vote to Kent … which obviously lead into our first tribal of the season.

JLP quickly got to work asking Michelle how the tribe were going, with Luke adding that he would continue to tinker with the shelter until it was perfect and the tribe were comfortable. Joan then jumped in to say she was probably on the block for having a good sleep the night before. We then circled back to Luke who said that he would base his vote on challenge performance, making Kent and Joan even more nervous. Kent then tried to defend himself, saying it was the best place for the old fella … which Sam correctly pointed out meant he couldn’t do anything else. Joan then tried to throw more shade on Kent for being the worse of the two, before the tribe cast their votes.

Luke then asked how to spell Henry while casting his vote, which I will begrudgingly admit was funny.

The votes quickly piled up, one by one, on Joan and Kent, resulting in a 6-6 tie. Everyone but Joan and Kent then went to vote again, Ben looking extremely confused about the entire ordeal as the votes rolled in for them both, before Joan took out the lead and became the first person booted from the game.

I’ve known Joan for years, having met at an escape room owners convention in 2013, before they were a thing, and knew that dear Joan would be feeling shitty about being cut from the game. That is, until she lay her eyes on my Breakfast Joan Caballnaro.

 

 

Rich, creamy, a little bit salty, chock full of meat and completely comforting, the breakfast version – hey, fried eggs make anything a breakfast version – of a classic carbonara is the ultimate post-boot comfort meal.

Enjoy!

 

 

Breakfast Joan Caballnaro
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
300g linguine
300g pork sausages, broken up into meatballs
4 shallots, roughly chopped
6 eggs
zest of a lemon
small handful of parsley, roughly chopped
200g parmesan
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Heat a pot of salt water over high heat and cook the pasta as per packet instructions.

While the pasta is getting al dente, heat a frying pan over medium heat and cook the sausage until browned. Add the shallots and cook until you can no longer smell the three-days Joan was on the island.

Combine four eggs, zest, parsley, parmesan and salt and pepper in a jug and whisk until combined. Drain the pasta, reserving some cooking water.

In a medium frying pan, fry the remaining eggs until the whites are just cooked.

Add the pasta to the sausage / shallot mix, and toss to coat. Remove from the heat and stir through the cheesy egg mixture, adding a little bit of the past water to loosen the mixture.

Serve immediately, topped with a fried egg, and eat your first boot feels.

 

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