Saanapu

Nick Iadanzipasto Platter

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, the minority alliance once again tried to overcome the supermajority, El won immunity and Kate put in a dominant tribal council performance before ultimately being eliminated as the final pre-jury player.

Can we agreed that losing the last four boots just plain sucked?

We opened back up with the three leaders – El, Brooke and Flick – irritated by Sam for stepping out of line at last night’s tribal before Nick tried to throw himself a pity party, annoying Sam and Lee further. The next day Nick continued to drown in his self-pity while Flick continued to stew in her rage. So yeah, they’re really fun this episode.

Thankfully Brooke was more rational and spoke to Sam – oh wait, she too is not over it – before the El comforted Nick who was now painting tribal council as a series of personal attacks.

After a brief and – at the risk of sounding out of character – sweet, genuine emotional display from Nick, we then arrived at a reward challenge involving a series of rings and pegging – no joke – for letters from home.

Despite squandering the lead for his team, Nick secured victory before Kristie and El gave up their reward for Matt and Flick respectively. Kristie made sense, given she is playing the middle to perfection … and considering the fact that she won her letter simply by backing the winning team but El’s selflessness seemed pointless as Flick would stick with her anyway.

The victors then arrive at their reward for a cup of tea and their love where Sam started out by sounding like he was reading for the first time ever, Matt was endearing, Flick sweet, Kylie heartwarming, Lee babin’ / heartbreakin’ and Nick – again, shudder – genuine.

Guess I’ll keep waiting for that damn blindside, right?

They then joined the losers where Matt pledged to stick by Kristie due to her kindness – well played Kristie. Nick then approached Lee to sort through their issues, finishing with Lee apologising, while Nick then confronted Sam who seemed less into buying what Nick was selling.

Finally we made our way to the much touted record breaking challenge, made famous by Ozzy Lusth, where they all had to hold onto a big pole. Seriously, are they just trying to win me over with challenges with smutty connotations?

Anyway after almost six hours on the pole, Brooke bartered with JoJo for her letter from home before stepping off and giving Kylie immunity … sending Nick into panic mode.

They returned to camp where Brooke took the opportunity to read her letter, giving off a hint of a winner edit … meaning I’ve now claimed a winner edit for most of the people left in the game meaning I should be correct, once. Maybe.

After the brief emotional interlude, the scrambling began with Nick telling Matt and Kylie to split the vote between Sue and Kristie, while Sam again lead the charge to get rid of Nick before confusing everyone with who would be throwing votes on Sue in case of an idol.

The tribe then arrived at tribal confused as to what their plans were before JoJo made Brooke feel awkward for proclaiming she was 90% safe, then Matt offered up that he was feeling 99% confident making Nick paranoid enough to call out his closest allies before Sam once again started laying into Nick … and then Nick commenced echoing Kate, calling out the alliance and outlining the hierarchy. Like Kate, it was all for nought as Nick was booted from the tribe to become the first member of the jury.

Now I know I have been hard on Nick these last couple of weeks but he is actually a dear, dear friend of mine after we met at university where – you guessed it – I was running a scam as a lecturer. Fun fact, my teaching methods actually inspired the character of Mr G.

Nick could see through my scam and worked with me to sort out my life. He is a really great guy and despite being labelled a snake on the show, he couldn’t be sweeter – he was playing hard and it was easier for people to label him as a villain to get ahead.

While he was disappointed to exit the game, making the jury was more than enough for him to get down celebrating over a big Nick Iadanzipasto Platter.

 

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Less a recipe and more of a guide, an antipasto should be packed full of delicious meats, cheeses and vegetables that you love, eaten greedily with a generous glass of wine.

Or bottle. Enjoy!

 

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Nick Iadanzipasto Platter
Serves: 4-6, greed dependent.

Ingredients
buffalo mozzarella balls, torn in chunks
sliced prosciutto
jarred – not judgement – roasted artichokes, drained
sundried tomatoes, drained
chargrilled peppers, drained
mixed olives
cherry tomatoes, quartered
fresh basil, leaves picked
clove garlic, cut in half
ciabatta, sliced
chilli flakes

Method
Place the ingredients around the board based on your preferred aesthetic, sprinkle with the basil leaves and chilli.

Toast the ciabatta, rub with the cut garlic and drizzle with oil.

Add the toast to the board and devour. Or you know, just devour.

 

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Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Poultry, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor – yes, I have to stipulate that now – Vavau neared extinction after the tribes absorbed resulting in major casualties in sweet, angel Craig and Aganoan goddess Phoebe.

We opened up right on schedule with the melancholic Vavau tribe, now down to three comparing their level of skeletal-ness. I literally can not pick a winner of this competition though.

Thankfully the tribes convened for what they thought was their next challenge where the Vavauns were surprised to discover they’ve been saved from themselves as the tribes actually merged and were treated to the Survivor Auction.

Conner walked away with the first two items, blowing all his money in the process, Sam bought some mediocre looking nachos, Brooke got a very cheap bath – why did no one bid against her? – while Lee got the ultimate prize – an advantage – for only $80, before Nick paid $440 for a covered item … which also turned out to be an advantage in the game.

The tribe arrived at their new camp, the former Vavau tribe, which made the old Saanapuans wistful for their days of opulence over at their camp. Instead they were stuck in the Survivor slums which Kristie and Phoebe attempted to burn to the ground but a week ago.

They immediately got to work scrambling as one tribe, with Flick leading the charge against Conner while Sue rallied the counter alliance to topple Saanapu. I’m not sure who should tell them the immunity challenge hadn’t even occurred yet?

Lee then disappeared to the well to discover his advantage, which is to block someone voting at tribal council.

Nick then disappeared to the well, at a different time, where he discovered he paid $360 more than Lee for an idol clue rather than a guaranteed advantage. Thankfully he found the idol … however sadly it was just after being sprung by Lee who is now wary of him.

The dominant alliance then found a pink piece of cloth and decided friendship bracelets were the best way to highlight the pecking order before they arrived at their first individual immunity challenge.

Sadly I was not competing as I would have dominated, I’ve never met someone that grips a pole quite like me!

After what seemed like an eternity, the poles got wet and slippery – according to JoJo, I didn’t actually see rain and think he was just feeling inspired by Probsty – before Kylie’s memory lapsed and Brooke took out immunity.

We returned to camp for the actual scrambling where we were reintroduced to Flick who seems to struggle with pronunciation before Nick got to work over-explaining a vote split, Sam worked his way into my good books by trying to turn it on Nick and Sue got to work dominating with a plan to screw Nick’s split vote.

The tribe – oh did I mention they called themselves Fia Fia? They did – arrived at tribal with me quite confused as to what would happen. Flick was confident, Nick was quietly confident and Conner was trying his best to throw the target on to someone else.

Anyone.

JoJo then opted to call out the friendship bracelets and attempted to throw them all under the bus as we headed into the vote, however poor Conner ran out of luck and found himself voted out.

While I’m sad that Sue’s plan didn’t come to fruition just for Nick’s tantrum alone, Conner was a legitimate threat and made sense however telling him how much of a scrappy underdog he was, isn’t what he wanted to hear as he stepped out of the game.

I’ve recently been teaching law in Canberra which is where I connected with Conner – seriously, why universities continue to hire me is beyond puzzling. As you can tell from the game, Conner is perceptive and could pick up on the fact I was not a qualified lawyer or professor. Despite this, his kind heart got in the way and we started a friendship despite his better judgement.

Thankfully for him though, that friendship meant I knew exactly what he needed as he exited the game – his favourite, my Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune.

 

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Hearty, warm, spicy and soothing – this dish is the epitome of comfort food while also packing a punch. Delicate saffron, a kick of cumin and the tart olives? Enjoy!

 

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Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
½ cup white wine, or as much as your drinking allows
pinch of saffron threads
6 chicken thighs fillets, diced
1 onion, finely diced
5 garlic cloves, minced
salt and pepper
olive oil
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground sweet paprika
400g can diced tomatoes
1 tbsp tomato paste
2 dried bay leaves
1 ½ cups short-grain rice
3 cups chicken stock, plus more if needed
1 cup pitted green olives, rinsed and drained
½ cup chargrilled capsicum, drained and roughly chopped
¼ cup parsley, roughly chopped

Method
Combine the wine and saffron in a bowl and allow to steep.

Heat a good lug of oil in a large dutch oven over medium heat and add the onion and garlic and sweat for a couple of minutes before adding the chicken with a good whack of salt and pepper and cook until browned.

Reduce the heat to low and add the tinned tomatoes and paste and cook stirring for a minute. Add the wine/saffron and bay leaves and cook until reduced slightly, about five-ten minutes.

Stir in the rice and stock, bring to a simmer, reduce the heat to low and cover, cooking for about half an hour stirring occasionally. Or until the liquid has all absorbed.

Remove from the heat, stir through the olives and capsicum and leave to stand for about ten minutes.

Then serve and devour.

 

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Banh Gan Haining

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor, new Saanapu and new Vavau got to know each other before Aganoa stunned Vavau and the Australian public by staging an epic comeback, sending new-Vavau to tribal council and dear Baz to loser lodge.

We opened up at Vavau where Jennah Louise assures us that they are still OG strong, despite Barry’s axing. I mean, I love Baz but you can’t play with a question mark so I get it. Contrast that with Conner’s pity party misdirect and Andrew and Kate swooping on the old Saanapus and we know that Jennah Louise is clearly wrong and we are witnessing the beginning of the end of old Vavau.

Meanwhile over on Saanapu, Nick was working overtime to prove his worth while Tegan commenced sharpening the knife for his back. Nick continued in the tradition of Australian Survivor and started to overplay and scared the rest of his tribe before we finally got to hear something meaningful from Tegan. I almost miss her invisible edit.

Off topic but did Aganoa get wiped out by the waves from the first episode and I missed it?

Seriously, we’re back at Vavau? Congratulations Aganoa, you’re clearly not attending tribal any time soon! Neither may Kate as her armpit has developed a boil to rival Mt St Neal and I’m praying for a medevac just so I can stop looking at it.

Finally Jonathan gave us proof that Aganoa are alive before a tough barrel racing reward for corporate sponsorship Hungry Jacks. I mean, fucking delicious…but there was no mention of onion rings, so not worth it. Despite a massive come from behind, Aganoa were unable to pull off the win returning to their losing ways and a whopper-less camp.

I assume that after downing their reward – particularly Saanapu with the soft drinks – they all blew-out their rectums pretty hardcore, so really the heartbroken Aganoa tribe are the true winners.

As are we for getting to experience Lee sharing his heart with us. Benjamin Carseldine sounds nice, doesn’t it?

The whoppers disappeared – off topic, but couldn’t they spring for the star HJs burger the Bacon Deluxe – and we went straight into immunity where a member from each tribe had to suspend another over water until someone dropped. Writing the jokes for me, Matt the magician made Brooke disappear sending Saanapu back to tribal, meaning Aganoa finally got to experiencing outnumbering another tribe.

Well, that is if Kate isn’t taken out by the monster boil/infection under her armpit. After what was probably the most disturbing scene I’ve seen, Dr Briony – not as good as the vintage US doctors (I want to say her name was Ramona circa Samoa/Heroes vs. Villains) but will do – was able to drain the boulder and keep Kate in the game for another few days to see how it heals.

Back at Saanapu, the scrambling commenced with Tegan and Nick trying to throw the target onto Kylie, while the OG girls focused on getting rid of Nick and Matt turned his attention to getting rid of Tegan. Needless to say, by the time they walked off to tribal I was horrifically confused and in need of some booze.

After some very basic and obviously maths from Jonathan, Nick and Tegan scrambled hard and Kylie played her idol before Tegan made her way to loser lodge and my loving arms.

Of course I am close friends with Tegan, after meeting at Beckingham Palace when she was David’s personal trainer and I was the kids au pair, surrogate momager and lil Vicky’s BFF.

Despite having a rocky start to the relationship after she was employed by David to replace the naked Greco Roman wrestling regime I was training him, we eventually grew close (after I discovered she would never be able to usurp my place in Dave’s heart) and I knew that my face and a big Banh Gan Haining.

 

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To be fair, I’d never made these before my time in Samoa but I knew these were her fave from our time with the Beckhams, where she’d demand their chef make them thrice daily. But with the strong whack of lime, cutting through the silky, sweet coconut, who could blame her? Obviously feel free my violent criminal style of decanting – yes they look bad … but don’t hold it against them.

Enjoy!

 

bahn-gan-haining-2

 

Banh Gan Haining
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1 cup caster sugar
⅓ cup water
400ml coconut milk
1 ½ cups milk
6 eggs, lightly whisked
½ cup firmly packed muscovado sugar
1 tsp vanilla bean paste
zest of a lime

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Combine the caster sugar and the water in saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring, for a couple of minutes or until the sugar has dissolved. Crank the heat up to high and bring to the boil. Cook, this time sans stirring for a couple of minutes or until golden. Remove from the heat and pour into 6 ramekins. Set aside to set.

While they are hardening up, whisk the milks, egg, brown sugar, vanilla and lime zest in a large bowl until combined. Strain through a fine sieve and pour into each ramekin.

Place the ramekins in a baking dish, fill the baking dish with boiling water so it comes half up the edges of the ramekins and bake for half an hour, or until just set.

Remove from the water bath and transfer to a wire rack to cool for an hour. Transfer to a baking sheet, cover with cling and refrigerate overnight to chill.

When you’re ready, remove the ramekins from the fridge half an hour before serving, run a warmed knife around the edge and carefully transfer to a plate. Obviously I ignored the careful part of the process.

Devour.

Recipe adapted from Taste.com.au

 

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Bluebarry Lea Muffins

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor dear, sweet #gastrointestinaldistress sufferer / hunger striker Pete quit the game, saving an ailing Aganoa from themselves. Then after a back and forth of which Aganoa would be the next to go, they won immunity and escaped the double tribal, tribal swap which sent Conner to Vavau and Nick to Saanapu with very hurt feelings.

Thankfully they were each able to throw someone under the bus with them and taking Sam and Tegan respectively.

Yep – believe the hype, this was one of the biggest episodes of Survivor I’ve ever seen. The worst part is I was so blackout drunk trying to woo the crew, that I completely forgot it was a non-elimination ep and tried to madly recap the episode for no reason.

Embarrassing.

Anyway, we opened back back at Vavau and Saanapu where the swap victims acclimatised to their new tribes. While I understand the bitterness, the other option was getting booted … so if it was me (Jon Jon, call me for 2017), i’d just be happy to get another chance rather than going home.

I mean, a second chance changed a legacy for Wentworth!

Meanwhile back with the former reigning losers Aganoa, the clouds rolled in ominously but they woke up on day 13 with triumphant music, confusing the crap outta me. Then I saw Lee, thanked God for Father’s Day (#daddy) and understood the creative choice.

Ok Lee, you’re wearing me down and will soon join my all female dream finale, OK?

Back on Vavau the shade was heavy and that is ignoring the clouds, Jennah-Louise and Craig were thrilled to be free of Nick and his tricks. While poor Sam was feeling screwed, rightfully but not in the right way, you know?

Over on his former home, Flick struggled to enunciate the word “new” before the English teacher nick arrived to spew some understandable vitriol and use some biblical references.

Do not make me Tyra you Nick. No.

Then Brooke happening and worked her way back into my heart and Nick out of Tegan’s. Or vice versa, to be honest there are a lot of brunette females and I’m struggling to tell them apart between lecherous glances at the men.

Bring back my Lee.

After Nick found a crack and Barry had a meaningful confessional, Jon Jon returned to the screen for a classic immunity challenge building rods and penetrating things before getting the fire going. BRING ON SMUTTY PROBST PUNS!

Saanapu first on their pole. Vavau now working their pole.

Hello heaven, I live here.

After having a good crack at it, stretching it further and further Vavau and Sannapu’s long sticks won out in penetrating the wall before and Saanapu were able to secure immunity after getting their wood out.

Then Aganoa had an amazing come from behind win – seriously this challenge wrote itself – sending Vavau to their first legit tribal council.

They returned back to camp and immediately got back to work scrambling amongst old tribal lines, with Kate leading the charge to get some screen time while acting as the runner between old Saanapu and OG Vavau.

Then Conner happened and Barry and Craig found their way on the block before a blistering tribal council where Barry announced his arrival to the game, Kate ominously announced she had made her way into the majority and Barry found his way to loser lodge as the fifth boot as soon as he started to play.

Obviously I knew Baz from my rugby days where we played on the field together until my lewd acts forced me to play solely off field. Thankfully Baz never held that against and took me under his wing – which spoiler alert, is a lot nicer than being under Kate’s.

The least I could do, was whip him up a batch of my Bluebarry Lea Muffins to dull the pain of his loss.

 

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Sweet, tart and hot when fresh, these fluffy delights are everything that Baz loved about me back in the day. Enjoy!

Who will join us tomorrow?

 

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Bluebarry Lea Muffins
Makes: 12 small, 6 Texan.

Ingredients
75g unsalted butter,
200g plain flour
½ tsp bicarb of soda
2 tsp baking powder
75g caster sugar
pinch of salt
200ml buttermilk
1 large egg
zest of one lemon
200g blueberries

Method
Preheat oven to 180C and line a 12 hole muffin tray with cases.

Melt the butter in the microwave and set aside to cool.

Combine all the dry ingredients in a bowl and whisk together the buttermilk, egg, zest and melted butter in another.

Using a wooden spoon, add the wet ingredients to the dry and lightly together until just combined. Like me, the mixture fucking hates to be overworked.

Fold in the blueberries, with minimal effort and spoon the mixture amongst the muffin cases.

Chuck them in the oven and bake for about 20 minutes, or golden, firm and standing tall.

Obvs penetrate them with a skewer to see if it comes out clean. Just let that wording marinate a little. Beautiful, no?

 

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Peter Friegands

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor we welcomed Mr G to the loser lodge room after all tribe’s volunteers chose to deceive their tribes for a clue to the hidden immunity idol and Rohan – again, the swimsuit model – lost the clue amongst his own idol.

We once again opened on the ailing Aganoa where Kat – again, spokesmodel for Resort Report – was thankful to once again escape the boot. Thankfully she knew where to place the praise, on my new Kween Phoebe.

After a run down of the web Pheebs is spinning, we dropped by the OG Kween Kylie’s tribe where Peter was once again firmly on struggle street. We quickly checked in on Vavau where Craig was organising Yum Cha for lunch where Nick was trying to get himself back into Craig’s good graces. Hint Nick, give him a pork bun and a wonton and I think he’d forgive you.

Back on Aganoa, Rohan continued to wear more clothes than most underwear models while looking for the idol. Needless to say, this was making me very sad. Thankfully he found the idol and I can live in hope that we’re in for a tonne of bulge discussion like the US version.

Either way, Pheebs is also growing tired of Rohan. I assume for the same reasons, the thirst is real.

Meanwhile over at Saanapu, Peter’s Osten Taylor arc took a turn for the Janu where he committed to finding the idol for Kylie before falling on his sword before we were treated to my favourite editing move, highlighting how close the castaways are to the hidden immunity idol while desperately searching. It gives me life.

Back on Vavau we got a bit more context as to why Craig was ordering out as they haven’t had fire for three days, after destroying their flint. Knowing that I was close to turning on the tribe and laughing hysterically at their flailings, Kate opened up about her near death experience, emerging as my latest favourite. For those playing along, I really like a strong female castaway.

My previous new favourite castaway – Phoebe – was meanwhile struggling with Rohan’s potential betrayal after keeping the idol for himself, despite agreeing to give it to her.

After so much drama, my Jojo made his way back to the screen for the immunity challenge where Vavau experienced a massive come from behind to once again win immunity – well came in second – sending Aganoa back to their second home, tribal council.

Once back at camp Phoebe got to work playing the role of the godfather, filling me with both pride and giddiness as she threatened Rohan, threw him under the bus with Lee and lulled him into a false sense of security before…

Oh wait, now we’re at Saanapu begging the question – Miley, what’s good? As far as Peter was concerned, absolutely nothing and after being sick and not eating for two weeks, he quit the game leaving Kylie as an island sans idol.

We quickly bounced back to Aganoa at tribal council where after stirring the pot, Jonathan announced that with Petey’s quit they didn’t have to go through with the vote meaning we won’t know who’s throat Phoebe was going to cut next. I am not as confident as Kat that she would have gone – oh well, we’ll find out tomorrow when they lose the next immunity challenge, right?

I was very shocked to see Pete arrive at Loser Lodge while it was still daylight outside and I was well into my afternoon drinking session – where Jojo feeds me grapes before he has to dart off to tribal. I first met Pete in the 90s while working as an air traffic controller together, I was quickly fired when it was discovered that I neither had the required skills for the job nor the care for focussing on the public’s safety.

While I was cast out of the community, Pete took me under his wing and has tried to encourage me to live a better life. He may not have had much success with making me a better person but he clearly did enough for me to pick up on the fact he was desperate for my Peter Friegands after his quit.

 

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Sour, sweet and a delicately robust, these babies are the perfect thing to bring you back to health after two weeks shuttling towards death on an island. So obviously, enjoy!

 

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Peter Friegands
Makes: 12.

Ingredients
160g unsalted butter, melted and cooled, plus extra to brush
100g plain flour, plus extra
200g icing sugar, plus extra to dust
125g almond meal
6 egg whites
1 lemon, zested finely
1 cup raspberries

Lemon icing
180g icing sugar, sifted
juice of the aforementioned lemon

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Prepare the friand pan by brushing it with a little melted butter, dust with a little flour and shake out the excess.

Sift the dry ingredients together into a large bowl.

Meanwhile place the egg whites in a small bowl and lightly whisk with a fork until frothy. Fold through the dry ingredients, followed by the melted butter and lemon zest and then finally the raspberries.

Divide the batter evenly amongst the holes and bake for about 20 minutes, or until golden and an inserted skewer comes out clean – you know the drill! Allow them to cool in the pan for about five minutes before turning out onto a wire rack to cool.

While they cool, mix together the icing sugar and the juice. When the friands are hella chill, drizzle generously with the icing and devour, happily.

 

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Pizza Bianca Anderson

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Party Food, Snack, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor, we were introduced to the 24 castaways including Kat brand rep for Trent Resort, while Conner mistook The Hunger Games for a period piece rather than a film set in the dystopian future and Des offended everyone on his tribe on his way out the door for a cafe latte.

We opened back up after Aganoa’s first tribal council where Kristie decided to channel Abi-Maria and accuse the entire tribe of theft. As yet though, no one is dead to her.

Over on Saanapu aka Kylie and the lessor people, Bianca used her intelligence experience to break down the relationships on the tribe and I think alluded to throwing the challenge. So using Survivor logic, see you later Bianca?

Off topic though, wouldn’t Kylie and Sue be the best possible final two? The answer is yes, even though the question is rhetorical. Back at Aganoa, Kristie continued her play for Australia’s Abi-Maria before El stepped in, comforted her and took her under her wing and worked her way into my heart/dream final three with Sue and Kylie.

When we finally checked in with Vavau where Craig introduced us to Barry – who may or may not have been present in the premiere – and we learnt that like Des they aren’t fans on lattes, preferring flat whites instead.

Also they are still struggling to get fire with flint. Somewhere Becky and Sundra were crying into a pile of used matches.

Back with Kylie’s Krew we discovered that Peter was on struggle street and making a play to be the Osten Taylor of Australian Survivor, before zigging when I thought he would zag and slipping on the rocks like Day 39 Aras.

Seriously, Ten … unpredictable.

We then checked in with Jon Jon at the immunity challenge where sadly there was still a decided lack of sexual innuendo. I mean, bring us some balls and Probst-esque smut if you want a hit Ten!

It was a tight fought race but after a major comeback from Lee channeling Boston Rob in Heroes vs Villains and the girls on Vavau channeling Lee playing cricket, Saanapu lost the challenge and wound up at tribal council.

While there was a bit of a misdirect with Petey trying to fall on his sword, we were thankfully treated to our first blindside of the season with Bianca making her way off the island as the second boot.

Poor Bianca was victim of trying to make a move too soon, sadly not utilising the tactical training we both completed while working as intelligence operatives. Did you really think i’d know her any other way?

Binks was crazy upset to be the first one out of her tribe but having a dear old friend like me there to comfort her dulled the pain. Admittedly my Pizza Bianca Anderson probably had a whole lot to do with that.

 

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Despite being the perfect definition of biege, this pizza is anything but – the woodiness of the rosemary and sweetness of the onion meld perfectly with the sharp cheeses. So simple, yet so perfect – enjoy!

 

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Pizza Bianca Anderson
Serves: 1 despondent second boot.

Ingredients
1 pizza base, use Zsa Zsa’s recipe darling
125g ricotta cheese, crumbled
75g mozzarella cheese, cubed
75g provolone cheese, cubed
⅓ cup grated parmesan cheese
2 garlic cloves, thinly sliced
1 tbsp finely chopped fresh rosemary leaves

Method
Preheat oven to 200°C.

Prepare the base as per the recipe and then smear it with the ricotta and top with the mozzarella, provolone, parmesan, garlic and rosemary.

Whack it in the oven and bake for 15-20 minutes or until it is golden and molten. Devour quickly to eat your feelings.

 

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Desmopolitan Quilty

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Drink

After a decade long hiatus, Australian Survivor finally made a return to the our screens.

Channel 10 bravely took up the mantle hoping to make an improvement on the dismal seasons produced by 9 and 7 … which isn’t hard given that the first season’s first boot voted herself out in blatant disregard of the rules and the second robbed its rightful final two of a win.

Anyway, rant over … for now.

We started with my ex-lover’s little brother welcoming the contestants to the island with a rugged, island sex appeal second only to Jeff Probst – obviously Skarsy as Tarsy counts as jungle in this ranking. So at this point, the season is off to a good start.

Team that with the beautiful production value, interesting challenges – who could forget the first season’s nail biting guess the time challenge! – and the use of Ancient Voices and I am quietly confident in the season, even without my on location support.

My little Jon Jon didn’t waste time putting that sensuality to test, throwing the tribes straight into their first challenge harkening back to the days of snakes, rats, nudity and casual homophobia in Borneo with a quest for fire … which also included my challenge wet dream – a mid game choice for supplies before going for the fire.

We spent a lot of time bouncing around between the tribes getting to know the castaways starting with Aganoa where Kat, my favourite of the first twenty minutes, took her island wardrobe seriously in head-to-toe Resort Report much to the chagrin of my walking stereotype Des.

Over on Vavau they weren’t exactly sure what was happening, leaving the poor high school teacher to corral the tribe to keep them all alive. While on Saanapu they were concerned about making fire, despite having just won it. Thankfully we were introduced to Kylie who made the shame of their misguided concern disappear. (Kylie FTW).

We spent the remainder of the episode watching the many failings of Aganoa with Des refusing to help, their camp being washed out by a wave and then a disaster in the challenge – again involving Des – leading to their unsurprising trip to tribal council.

Once there Des and Kat’s feud intensified resulting in Des’ strategy to be useless for the first two days and to become helpful the morning of tribal council to backfire, resulting in him being the first person voted off the island.

I first met Des about five years ago when I ran a courier parcel theft scam in Brisbane, stealing items out of other courier’s trucks and holding them ransom. While I was quite successful, it was Des who ended up catching me and getting me sent to prison.

As you know, I am reticent to hold a grudge when someone dobs me in – it comes with the territory of a scam filled life – and Des was so sweet, visiting me in prison and working to help me get my life back on track.

Despite him really having no one else to blame after not letting his tribe see that softer side, I still felt the need to  – probably because I was being housed in luxury digs on Channel Ten’s purse – whip him up a Desmopolitan as he ran into my loving, drunken embrace.

 

desmopolitan-quilty-1

 

While he was a bit annoyed that his drink is better suited to Kat and the rest of the cafe latte set in Manly, he appreciated the joke … and the generous way I pour my booze.

Enjoy! Who will be joining me tonight?

 

desmopolitan-quilty-2

 

Desmopolitan Quilty
Makes: 1.

Ingredients
2 shots vodka
1 shot Cointreau
1 tsp lime juice
½ cup cranberry juice
crushed ice, to serve

Method
Shake vodka, Cointreau, lime and cranberry juice in a cocktail shaker. Strain into an iced glass. Garnish with a segment of lime. Devour and go again … responsibly, obvs.

 

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Keep on survivin’

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

You sleep with one LaPaglia when trying to get a role in Looking for Alibrandi (why they didn’t agree to gender flip the lead and make it a teen version of Brokeback is beyond me) and it seems you’re constantly doing favours for the family.

I can finally announce that yes, I will be covering Australian Survivor!

Jon gave me a call a few months back after landing the plum gig, hoping that I’d hook him up with Probsty in preparation for the hosting role. While I was outraged that Channel 10 hadn’t given me the job, I graciously helped Jon as part of a plea deal I took after he caught me trying to torch his car.

Jon and the network are really hoping to make the show a hit, so of course asked me to head out on location and cook for the castaways. While I normally don’t like people using my fame to further themselves – that is my schtick – I agreed as I am a close personal friend of all of the contestants. Can you believe it?

Check back the day after each episode for my exclusive culinary, coverage!

Picture source: Publicity shot from Channel 10.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.