Sauce

Bob Harpersimmon Jam

Condiment, Sauce

Have you all recovered from my culinary disaster the other day?

I was feeling very disappointed in myself after Miley went on her way – I mean, how often do I fail (the answer is never, FYI)? Not knowing what to do following my cooking cock-up, I decided to reach out (not around) to my dear friend Bob Harper to help me cheer up and have a culinary win.

And, who am I kidding, he will likely get my cock up, but that’s probably an overshare and you know I have more class than to say something crass like that.

Anyway, I first met Bob after bungling my way off the third season of Australian Biggest Loser. Taking a fellow trainwreck under her wing, Ajay reached out to the recently departed Bobby to see if he could train me privately.

And oh did he train me on that private ranch of his!

As the wise Michael Bolton once said, how can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? Which is proven – in a roundabout kind of way – by the fact our friendship quickly blossomed into a romance until the Feds tracked me down and had me deported.

While my chequered past ruined our romance, we have remained close friends ever since … even since he became a crossfit fan (Survivor Sally is the only person I want to see in knee socks, thank you).

I hadn’t caught up with Bob since his promotion taking over from (another dear friend) Alison Sweeney as the host of TBL, so it was great to hear his take on my frenemy Hatch and discuss his strategy for summer, swimmer selfies. Obviously I was very pushy about him saturating the market – you know I love a tall, pale, strawberry blond!

I always struggle feeding my fit friends, given their penchant for specialty diets, so instead of offering him the wrong thing and having to lie (no Linda McCartney, this is definitely not steak … relax – we’ve all been there, right?), I went with the safer option of my Bob Harpersimmon Jam.

 

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I mean sure, it is pretty much pure sugar … but there is fruit in there, so that counts for something.

And cinnamon is good for you too.

Plus, it is delicious. So enjoy, Bob did …

 

bob-harpersimmon-jam-2

 

Bob Harpersimmon Jam
Makes: 500ml.


Ingredients
500ml pulp of ripe persimmons
350g brown sugar
rind of a lemon and juice of ½ lemon
1 cinnamon quill
½ tsp nutmeg
100ml water
1 tsp vanilla extract

Method
Steralise a 500ml capacity jar – I just pour boiling water in a sink and let them sit in there for a bit. This is probably not correct but I don’t have kids so don’t care to learn about steralising bottles. I am yet to get the trots from this method, so I consider this a win?

Combine all the ingredients – except the vanilla – in a heavy bottomed saucepan and bring to the boil over high heat. Cook, stirring occasionally, for about 15 minutes, or until the jam has thickened slightly.

Remove from the heat, discard cinnamon quill, stir through the vanilla and cool for about 10 minutes.

Pour the jam into the steralised (depending on your definition of steralised) jars, seal tightly with the lid. Flip upside down and all to cool. Flip the jars back up, open the lids to release the air and then close them again. Store in a cool, dark dry place for a month … and then devour.

Obvs keep them refrigerated once open, you hear?

 

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The Croque Madame

12th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza, Easter Meggstravaganza, Main

Yes, The Rock is now more widely known as a movie star but let’s be honest he will always be the acclaimed televisual faux-athlete of the WWE … making him, obviously, the perfect fit for the successful TV star of the Meggstravaganza.

Oh, plus he has Ballers that is currently on HBO, so he is firmly in the TV legend realm. Fun fact: Ballers was originally conceived as a romantic comedy about my sexual exploits in the late 90s / earlier 00s, just before he hit the big time.

I first met The Rock while attending the non-shit version of William McKinley High School, where we quickly bonded over being man-children and having to shave in kindergarten. Our love for wrestling also bonded us, although he was less enthusiastic about my Ancient Greece inspired naked/sexy Greco-Roman Wrestling, called Dicko Roman.

While the style didn’t reach the mainstream, I did parlay it into a beautifully scripted porno that, to be honest, should have crossed over to mainstream … like a gay, hardcore Debbie Does Dallas.

The Rock has long been a fan of Meg Ryan’s work (we used to spend our Friday night slumber parties play wrestling and watching her rom-coms), so he was thrilled to be given the opportunity to help her re-ascend to greatness.

He is very busy, what with him currently filming Babe-watch with my on again-on again fling, Zeffy, but was able to take some time out to snack on a rich The Croque Madame.

 

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While this isn’t the most ideal meal to serve someone busy being shirtless and oozing sex appeal like the OG Mitch Buchannon, The Rock just can’t go past the quintessential French brunch version of the grilled cheese. Between the rich white sauce (which admittedly I am very heavy handed with to avoid waste … despite the risk it poses to my heart), the gruyere (which smells like SJP looks, a foot), the whack of dijon and the perfectly fried egg, you can’t help but be there to devour it.

Before a slow-mo run into the water to burn of the extra calories – enjoy!

 

the-croque-madame-2

 

The Croque Madame
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
30g unsalted butter
1 tbsp flour
1 cup milk
¼ tsp salt
Freshly grated nutmeg
1 cup Gruyere, grated
4 slices sourdough
Dijon mustard
4-6 thin slices of deli ham
2 large eggs
pepper, to taste

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

In small saucepan, melt the butter over high heat until it starts to foam. Whisk in the flour and cook until it is golden and viscose, before adding the milk and salt, whisking constantly until the mixture thickens. Remove from the heat and stir in a pinch of nutmeg and half the cheese.

Lay the slices of bread on a baking sheet, spread with dijon and top with the ham and remaining cheese. Divide half of the bechamel over the top and close the sandwiches.

Melt a lug of unsalted butter in a frying pan over medium heat, add the sandwiches and fry on both sides until golden brown and the cheese is melted and gooey.

Place the sandwiches on the baking sheet, top with remaining bechamel and bake in the oven until it crisps and browns. About ten minutes.

While the sandwiches is becoming gloriously golden, wipe out the frying pan and heat over high heat. When nice and hot, reduce the heat to low and fry the eggs, sunny side up, until the white is gloriously cooked and the yolk soft.

Remove the sandwiches from the oven, plate, top with the fried eggs, season, devour, regret eating so much and run slow-mo into the water, obviously after waiting 15 minutes.

Or you could run in straight away and hope that you hit some trouble and need Zeffy to save you. Which coincidentally is one of our top ten role play situations!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Bernadaise Peters

Condiment, Sauce

The Oscars are just over a week away and it has had me thinking about the tragic fact that my dear, dear frenemy Bernadette Peters is yet to be nominated for one and as such, hasn’t been able to at least achieve nominations for each part of the EGOT.

To clarify, Bernie is solely classed as a frenemy on account of her supreme curls, while I am stuck with hair that most closely resembles singed pubes styled into a Ray Martin-esque dome-fro. But I have digressed …

I first met Bernie when we were both young ingenues treading the boards on the big white way, before white officially became the Oscars’ favourite colour. She went on to enjoy success in George M! with my nemesis Joel Grey and our friendship went quiet while I was busy working packing meat in the Meatpacking district during the time where both meanings of the term occurred in the area.

It wasn’t until a chance encounter in 1987 brought us back together and I joined her entourage during her run in Into the Woods, despite the lengthy, form-of-torture opening number.

Bernie was thrilled to catch up, still buzzing as she is from Mozart in the Jungle’s recent win at the Golden Globes – sadly I wasn’t there, due to my messy break-up with Gael in 2004. As she was at the Globes, she was able to provide me with some much needed industry goss to inform my Oscars betting. So knowing that her weakness lay in condiments, I quickly whipped up a nice big ol’ jug of my famed Bernadaise Peters to loosen her lips.

 

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With the perfect balance of sweetness and tang, bearnaise, and all members of the naise family, is the perfect condiment for a nice piece of steak, burgers … or as a drink, no judgement.

Now I don’t want to let too much slip, but don’t bet on Leo just yet – apparently Harvey Weinstein loves the loser Leo memes and will do anything to keep them coming.

Enjoy!

 

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Bernadaise Peters
Makes: 1(ish) cups.

Ingredients
3 egg yolks
2 tbsp champagne vinegar
250ml ghee, warmed
1 tbsp tarragon, chopped
salt
freshly ground black pepper

Method
Whisk the yolks and vinegar together over a double boiler until thick and fluffy. Slowly add the ghee, whisking continuously.

Add the tarragon and generously season.

Keep at room temperature until ready to serve … or, you know, drink up!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Tomatoni Braxton Relish

Condiment, Sauce

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it but I really dislike, nay hate, David Foster. I mean sure, he’s had to live under the tyranny of Yolanda’s lemon regime, but he truly is just the worst.

His music however, not so bad … when you aren’t forced around the piano at gunpoint after dinner. Then it is a new and particularly heinous form of torture.

Hang on, I’ve digressed before even beginning; the bad blood started with David after he got me booted from the producing team of my dear friend Toni Braxton’s signature hit Un-Break My Heart (fun fact, the hit and run wasn’t meant to be part of the film-clip).

I had been close friends with Toni for countless decades before, meeting through her mother in South Carolina where I trained to be a cosmetologist. Being overwhelmed by our burgeoning talents, Toni and I formed a life-bond over the shared experience of others’ lesser talent and society’s general mediocrity.

Sure, there was an ugly period after David’s nefarious scheme to boot me from the single after I didn’t let him grope me in the back of a car however Toni eventually saw him for a cad and all was forgiven.

Tones dropped by to help mend my feud with Tamar (she stole my role on DWTS) and discuss a potential collab between The Braxtons and I. Obviously the only thing that can help feed our souls is my famed Tomatoni Braxton Relish.

 

Tomatoni Braxton Relish-1

 

Some say that relish is a condiment but Tones and I would have to respectfully disagree. I mean, how else do you think we got voices like angels? Tart, sweet and spicy – this is everything you want a relish to be … for whatever meal you want it as.

Enjoy!

 

Tomatoni Braxton Relish-2

 

Tomatoni Braxton Relish
Makes: About 2 cups.

Ingredients
1 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tsp yellow mustard seeds
12 fresh curry leaves
1 onion, sliced
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 tsp ground turmeric
1 tsp ground coriander seeds
1 tsp ground black pepper
½ tsp ground cumin
2 whole cloves
1 cinnamon quill
2 dried bay leaves
1 cup muscovado sugar
1 cup apple cider vinegar
2 x 400g can whole tomatoes
salt, to taste

Method
Heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the mustard seeds and curry leaves and cook stirring until the mustard seeds start to pop. Add in the onion and garlic and cook, again stirring, until the onion starts to sweat before tossing through the spices and bay leaves, cooking for a further minute.

Stir through the brown sugar, apple cider vinegar and tomatoes, lower heat and reduce until thick and sticky. Season to taste and devour … or use as a condiment and store in a sterilised jar, if you’re an animal like that!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Sloppy Joe Anglim

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Let me start by saying there is nothing sloppy about our dear friend, aspirational love, yoga enthusiast, challenge-beast and Survivor Macgyver 2.0 (sorry, nothing beats Peih-Gee smuggling supplies in her clothing) Joe-gel Anglim.

Our pants after we see him however…but I digress.

We first met Joe at Northern Arizona University where Joe was playing volleyball and we were trialling a supplements program with the football team which would later go on to get us a job working on Lance Armstrong’s medical team.

While Joe was disappointed in our dishonest and highly illegal conduct, our undying love and devotion (which went on to inspire the film Fatal Attraction) was too intoxicating for him and we have remained close ever since.

Going into Second Chances Joe arguably had one of the biggest targets on his back, but was able to survive by generally being a boss, a babe and, well, immune for the first four weeks. He sadly made his way out of the game and over to the jury after a crushing collapse/fainting spell at the end of what feels like the first non-ball related immunity challenge – if only he had more experience holding on to a rapidly extending pole!

Well that is what it looked like, at least!

We are pleased to confirm that Joe didn’t really need any smelling salts, but instead realised he was too good for the game and didn’t want to continue embarrassing people so opted to fake a faint, take himself out of the game and celebrate with a delicious Sloppy Joe Anglim with his forced concubine (which sadly included an uninvited Savage).

 

Sloppy Joe Anglim_1

 

Like Joe, these delightful, meaty treats can fix all of your problems, solve world peace and can (give you sustenance to) build literally anything useful out of mediocre objects.

Obviously, we made them extra sloppy – just how he likes them! Enjoy!

 

Sloppy Joe Anglim_2

 

Sloppy Joe Anglim
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
1 onion, diced
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 green capsicum
350ml passata
¼ cup tomato ketchup
1 tsp american mustard
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
a few drops to a lug of hot sauce, to taste
1 tbsp dark brown sugar
125ml of cold water
a good whack of salt & black pepper, to taste

Method
Cook off the mince and onion in a heated frying pan, ensuring that the meat is browned and broken up as you go.

Add the minced garlic and capsicum, cooking for a further few minutes.

Add the passata, tomato ketchup, mustard, Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, brown sugar and water, stirring to combine.

Bring the mixture to the boil. Once it is bubbling away like a Ponderosa sauna, turn the heat right down and leave it to simmer for about half an hour.

If it looks dry, add a bit of water or passata and heat. Otherwise, serve on soft burger rolls with plenty of cheese and a pickle.

Obviously we waited until after the meal for our pickle.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Harissa Oleynik

Condiment, Sauce

If there is one person that epitomised the nineties (excluding our friends in West Beverly, obviously) and my brief self-perceived heterosexuality, it is our close friend Larisa Oleynik.

Larisa, the queen of hats and turning herself in to puddles of goop, was the biggest star of the nineties for the after school TV set with her blistering portrayal of Alex Mack and her struggles to rebuild her life after a crippling accident where she was doused by a secret chemical.

Annelie and I were hired by Nickelodeon as scientific advisors on the show and quickly bonded with Larisa as, let’s be honest, no one else on set could match our beautiful, beautiful minds.

Believing myself to be straight, I quickly tried to woo Larisa by getting her a part in our film The Baby-Sitters Club (Annelie and I wrote the script … as well as the book series it was based on) during a break between our seasons – she noticed my searing chemistry with Austin O’Brien, whom we had met on the set of My Girl 2, and helped me come to terms with my penchant for peen.

This in turn led to her casting in 10 Things I Hate About You where I enlisted her help in wooing Andrew Keegan – we were part of Allison Janney’s entourage, after her casting in a role that we campaigned our dear friend Heath to get included, which was based on us.

We have hung out with Larisa in a while, she reached out upon hearing we were trying to scam Andrew Keegan and wanted in on our revenge plot and to have a documented catch-up.

While I discovered Larisa couldn’t light my fire back in the nineties, the Harissa Oleynik that we used to put on everything we ate sure could!

 

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The North African chilli paste is versatile (like … nevermind, I don’t Keegs and tell); adding a kick to a tajine or *gasp* soup (you know we love heat here), or even just mixed with some natural yoghurt to garnish kofte.

See, versatile. Enjoy!

 

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Harissa Oleynik
Makes: ½ a cup (ish)

Ingredients
10 large red chillies
3 garlic cloves, peeled
½ lemon, juiced
1 tbsp red wine vinegar
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp salt

Method
Halve the chillies, discarding the seeds from half and discard.

Place all the ingredients in a small food processor and blitz until a smooth paste forms.

Alternately you can use a mortar and pestle and pound it, hard, until a paste forms … but who can be bothered unless they are working through some anger or trying to woo someone using a naked chef seduction technique.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Spicy TomaJones Sauce

Condiment, Sauce

International sex-bomb, past-TB sufferer and rugged love beast are but a few of the ways to describe our dear friend and saucy ex-lover, Tom Jones.

We first met Sir Tom when he was jonesing for us after we invented the knicker-throw at his gig at the Copacabana in 1968. Infatuated (and clearly driven wild by my man musk), we developed and deep and passionately love affair for the following decades.

It ended after I found out he was also bedding Annelie. We were both able to move past the pain and the hurt with a series of catfights, which led to us collaborating on the hit show Dynasty. It was hella cathartic.

While neither of us has felt able to rekindle that special relationship with Tom, we have grown closer in our mutual disdain for the Cardigans (they burned bridges with Tom, as well as houses).

Tom was in town for the night to work on a spin off for Theme Song Guy and start work on the sequel to What’s new pussycat? tentatively titled, What’s even newer pussycat? He was flying off to have a meat pie with Jessie J on the set of The Voice today, so we quickly whipped him up a batch of our Spicy TomaJones Sauce to take with him.

 

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Like most things, we like to add a kick of heat to our tommy sauce. If for no other reason than Tommy gives a kick to our pants. In a good way.

Enjoy! Hopefully this can start to mend our feud with Jessie J?

 

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Spicy TomaJones Sauce
Makes: 1-2 cups.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
2 cloves garlic, peeled and whole
1 small onion, finely diced
1 tsp chilli flakes
2 tbsp vermouth
2 x 400g cans chopped tomatoes
1 tsp sea salt flakes
1 tsp muscovado sugar
2-4 sprigs thyme

Method
Heat oil in a large saucepan/deepish frying pan over medium heat and fry off the garlic, onion and chilli flakes for a couple of minutes. Add vermouth and cook off for a minute.

Reduce heat to low and add the tinned tomatoes, salt, sugar and thyme and simmer for 10-15 minutes or until slightly reduced. (Note: trust your gut, not my timings as I’m not the best judge of time or temperature on the stovetop).

Once reduced, remove from heat and leave to cool for about half an hour. Blitz and ready to devour. If you feel the sauce is too runny, return to the heat and reduce further until at your desired consistency.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Salsa Struthers

Dip, Sauce, Side

I know what you’re thinking, “didn’t they just post a recipe two days ago?”

Yes, that is true but having so many friends wanting to catch-up means we have to find new ways to burn through the list and keep people happy. Popularity can truly be a curse sometimes!

Sally Struthers has been emailing us for the last few months asking for help in fixing one of her past culinary disasters at a cast party for Gilmore Girls. Since we were eventually, and tragically, blacklisted from the set by ASP after our failed triplets storyline, Sally convinced us that going back in time would help rectify her shame and stop us from pitching the storyline.

We have known Sally for a long time, working as her PAs / chariots around the set of All In The Family (which is where we first met Bea) and remained friends throughout her career and travelled with her to Africa for philanthropic work. She even convinced ABC to create the character of Baby Sinclair as an ode to young Annelie!

While we still pitched the storyline (and stand by its brilliance) and got ourselves banned, we did help Sally shine with a simple and delicious Salsa Struthers for the party.

It was so great catching up with our 00s friends and getting to re-live the joy of being on the Gilmore Girls set … and we used the opportunity to make bets with the cast about future shows that would film on the Stars Hollow lot (we made a killing off the Hart of Dixie “prediction”).

 

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While most people associate those thick, rich jarred sauces as salsa, the only truly glorious salsa is made with nice ripe tomatoes and is generously seasoned with a kick of lime.

Sally is now a believer – enjoy!

Also guys, as we are so social and so technologically advanced we have gone nuts on the social medias. You should follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Friendster, FriendFace, Myspace and YouFace coming soon.

 

Salsa Struthers_2

 

Salsa Struthers
Makes: 1(ish) cup.

Ingredients
2 tomatoes, roughly chopped
Juice of ½ lime
1 shallot, finely sliced
1 tbsp coriander, roughly chopped
1 tbsp pickled jalapeño, roughly chopped

Method
Mix the tomatoes with the lime juice, shallot, coriander and jalapeño, then season carefully to taste.

Coolaioli

Condiment, Easter Meggstravaganza, Sauce

Step two is always a bit difficult, what with our friends not wanting to identify as a struggling musician. Did we not mention that was part of the ritual? Well it is.

Anyway, after much coercing (that briefly reunited us with our frenemy Michelle Pfeiffer) we were able to convince our dear friend Coolio that he was no longer really spending most if any of his life, living in a gangsta’s paradise and as such, he needed to help Meg reach redemption and hope she wants to help his re-ascent.

While Annelie was a close friend of Ice T growing up, I was a confidante and pseudo manager of Coolio and encouraged him to expand into film and television, helping him find employment on The Nanny and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and got him the gig/co-wrote the inspirational love theme of Dangerous Minds.

After my countless disappearances to prison and rehab, Coolio just kind of disappeared from the A-list but being the kind, warm man he is, he never held it against me.

He dropped by hoping to reconnect professionally and write the next It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp/Let It Go and eventually came around to helping us with Meg first before working on our Oscar winning song (I mean, we were always destined for one so why not give him that).

Plus, Coolio goes crazy for his condiments and the promise of our famous Coolaioli was enough to snag his help.

 

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I love an aioli that smacks you in the face with garlic and this one doesn’t disappoint. Seriously, I have the bruise to prove it. Enjoy…and be careful!

 

Coolaioli_2

 

Coolaioli

Ingredients
1 clove garlic, peeled
1 tsp sea salt, plus more to season
freshly ground black pepper, to season
1 large egg yolk
1 tsp Dijon mustard
500-575ml olive oil
lemon juice, to taste

Method
Smash up the garlic and salt in a pestle and mortar.

Place the egg yolk and mustard in a bowl and whisk together, then start to add your oils bit by bit (this is when you fall in love with your stand mixer all over again as your arm isn’t exhausted). Once you’ve blended in roughly half the oil, you can add the rest in a quicker, steady stream.

When the mixture thickens, add lemon juice. When the texture seems right (or all the oil is gone), add the garlic.

Season to taste and add more lemon juice if needed.