Australia

Mattrioska Tarrant

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Drink, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, Lee and Sam’s highly masturbatory relationship was given the greatest cock-block of all by El, when she slayed her love rival and sent Sam to the jury. We also got a nice recap of all the good characters we’ve lost, from – who would have thought – Andrew, to Craig, to Phoebe and to shudder again  Nick, leading to or final five of beige, magic, sassy, bulge and Queen Kristie.

The tribe woke up celebrating day fifty, where Lee was giving good crotch in a confessional and Matt was – again, who would have thought – oddly likeable in his, while complaining about the girls booting Sam. Although he wasn’t too pissed, I assume because deep down he realises, on paper, it is the best move for him. Even if he didn’t make it.

El then opted to have a chat with Flick, I assume over a cuppa as El is legit the most ocker/bogan person I’ve ever seen on TV … that is including Alf Stewart. Flick then affirmed that she wanted to go to the finals with El, while she said she wanted to go with daddy. Well played El, well played.

Eye roll emoji, etc.

Flick was well pissed as she is one of the two people remaining that isn’t a moron. Maybe three if Matt’s redemption arc is going to be a thing. El then pulled a Jolene and took Lee, my man, away, giving Matt a chance to continue his narrative and bring the girls back to his side.

Meanwhile over in the rocks, Jolene and Lee spoke about booting Matt which doesn’t bother me … particularly when he said how the turntables, rather than how to turn the tables. What is with the cast butchering colloquialisms?

We were quickly treated to our first JLP aka Lil JoJo sighting, with immunity back up for grabs where the tribe each had to stand on a big fat log and balance balls on their dickdisc.

Funnily enough El’s balls were the first to drop, while Lee proved why he could do better by outlasting the competition, winning the challenge and going on record as a champion at ball play.

The tribe arrived back at camp where I’m 30% sure that Matt said Lee pitched him at the post. While Lee is always making me pitch a tent in my pants, that is not a saying. Thankfully Flick and Kristie still had their eyes on the prize, though sadly Flick decided now was the time to jump on the #Mateship bandwagon, telling El they’d vote her out tonight.

Thankfully El decided now was the time to get a backbone/personality, firing back and worked to woo Kristie back to her side while throwing Flick far, far, far under the bus.

Yes, it was dislikable but damn El finally has game again.

Kristie then went back to camp and confronted Matt to see if that villainous Flick had promised him a spot in the final two. Thankfully, he said no. Though sadly El and Lee still felt the need to be sanctimonious to the tribe and patronise a Kristie for believing them when they took her down to the beach for a good old fashioned chastising. While they laid the guilt on thick, it didn’t look to be getting anywhere causing Lee to threaten to win challenges before threatening the tribe to leave Kristie alone, like she isn’t an intelligent adult.

Matt and Lee then started butting heads where Lee’s halo started to drop and – again shudder – Matt made a shit tonne of valid points while calling out their crap. Meaning, once again, I was very confused by the time they arrived at tribal.

JLP then rehashed the rules, while Matt sidestepped with a stupid comment despite wooing me back all episode. El then spoke about having to compartmentalise before Kristie danced around the questions and said nothing. But not in a good way.

El then butchered syntax and the English language in calling out Flick before Matt finally started to slay, calling out El and her inability to identify an alliance that carried her through to day 51 … which obviously meant that despite him being the most pointless person to vote off in fifth place, Matt found his way to my bipolar arms at loser lodge.

Now yes, I’ve been pretty vocal about Matt making terrible moves … but hear me out, I blame my nemesis George Clooney. “Clooney?! That fuck,” I hear you exclaim. Yep, douche face McCloon is the reason. You see, I expect all magicians to be as seamless as a heist Cloon-Town would pull off in the Oceans franchise … and well, Matt didn’t exactly pull a rabbit out of his hat during the game. To be honest, I don’t even know if he has seen a rabbit.

Despite his pulling out the sass and spilling the tea in his final tribal, which seems to be a hallmark of Australian Survivor, it was too little too late and the poor thing had to be chastised by me, like he were Kristie to my Lee / El over a seemingly neverending Mattrioska Tarrant.

 

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To be honest, alcohol is beautiful no matter how you dress it up. Though, again to be honest, maybe I’m just an alcoholic – but there is something so sweet about, vodka, soda, lime and mint. Sweet, subtle and perfect – kind of like how winning would have felt for Matt, if he were successful.

Enjoy!

 

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Mattrioska Tarrant
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
½ lime
1 teaspoon brown sugar, or to taste
60ml vodka
ice
a couple of mint leaves
soda water

Method
Cut the lime into segments and place in a cocktail shaker with the sugar. Muddle them together while working through your anger, add the vodka and ice and shake.

Poor into a glass, garnish with mint and top up with soda. Drink your feelings like a responsible adult.

 

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Ham Webb & Pineapple Pizza

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, the alliance annoyed the shit out of Australia for a couple of weeks before Flick dominated, won back my heart and joined with OG Aganoa to vote out Brooke and bring some drama back to the game. Then, of course, we had a non-elimination episode which brought back the boredom. Oh and apparently Sam enjoyed watching El and Lee fall in love on exile and Matt, Flick and Kristie enjoyed the luxury spa reward, though I legit don’t think that was shown.

Anyway, we opened back at the aforementioned spa where the trio plotted the exile crew’s downfall over bruschetta. Considering I made Brookechetta but a few days ago, I assume they are leftovers.

Matt thankfully made himself disappear, allowing Kristie and Flick to cement their twosome and plot the best way for them to play the middle and snag the win. Honestly, how awful would any of the others be as winners? Exactly.

Over on exile, Sam and Lee were very wet before Lee then grabbed Sam’s butt. I mean I hate them as players, but this is the love story I want to see slash would pay a lot of money to watch on the internet.

Sadly they took a break from forcing El to third wheel and went to the seventeenth straight reward challenge where the exile throuple were completely fine having slept on the sand in the rain, thanks for asking and Kristie felt strange about waking up in a bed.

Thankfully the challenge was a smutty dream, with the castaways split into teams and having to pour coconut water into each other’s mouth and spit it into a jar. As you’d expect, Sam was able to fill Lee’s hungry mouth, time and time again, with him never wasting a drop of Sam’s sweet nectar … securing them and El an advantage at the next immunity challenge.

The tribe returned to camp where Lee and El started talking about their relationship, breaking both my and Sam’s heart in the process. I’m obviously not bitter but El is dead to me. I just can’t. Not even. No.

While they were off canoodling, Matt decided to make himself useful and spoke to Sam about voting out one of the duo. Which if Sam is as jealous as I am, and we know he is, he will. After the Bachelor segment ended, we checked in with Kristie who was confused and anxious about who to go with, without realising she would beat anyone left at final tribal. She then broke down and got the pep talk Lee gives me in my dreams. Flick then channelled Kylie by spilling all the goss to El and Lee, however unlike Kylie, Flick was using this as leverage rather being a pawn.

Again, she or Kristie need to win.

We then dropped by the immunity challenge where the castaways had to balance on a triangle in the ocean, with Sam and the lovers getting to start the challenge ten minutes later after winning reward. After a lengthy battle – well, excluding Queen Flick – Lee was able to outlast his ex-boyfriend and current squeeze to win immunity.

They returned to camp where Matt continued to display a lack of awareness but at least knew to target El, Sam continued to quietly follow Matt’s lead – I assume trying to process what exactly the plan was. Meanwhile Lee and El plotted to split the vote with the girls to get out Sam, while the girls then tried to weigh up which was their best option. Kristie and Lee then went for one of their delightful odd couple discussions, where she threw Flick and Matt under the bus, spooking Lee and causing him to – can it truly be – play the game a little bit.

Lee then ran to El, who ran to Flick confusing me as they headed off to tribal where Brooke was looking well pissed from the jury. Matt then opened up tribal giving JoJo a rundown of the schedule for the rest of the game before El stepped up and announced that she would be voting for Sam, who then briefly touched on the fact he had finally started to do what he voted that villainous Nick out of the game for.

After a lengthy back and forth, Lee finally realised he still had his advantage and blocked Sam’s vote – once and for all ending their romance – before the girls ultimately stuck with Leel / Ellee and sent Sam out of the game.

While I question whether Sam had any idea about the game he was playing, we are actually close friends in the real world … where I obviously take advantage of his good nature and skim money from his charity.

The one upside of him not have a great understanding of Survivor, is that he arrived at the Jury Villa with a positive mood. So positive I wasn’t sure if he understood that he had been voted out. Thankfully I had a fresh Ham Webb & Pineapple Pizza on hand for us to devour while I explained to him that he was no longer in the competition.

 

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You may draw conclusions from the fact that I’ve made Sam a pizza that is usually the favourite of children and his intelligence in the game – but we are friends, so I won’t make that inference … just leave you to make it.

At the end of the day though, ham and pineapple pizza is pretty damn amazing, particularly with the addition of chilli. If this is what you get for being dim, sign me up for a lobotomy.

Enjoy!

 

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Ham Webb & Pineapple Pizza
Serves: 1, maybe 2 in a pinch.

Ingredients
1 pizza base, use Zsa Zsa’s recipe darling
4 pineapple rings
1 tbsp chilli flakes
250g leg ham, roughly sliced
½ cup grated mozzarella

Method
Preheat oven to 200°C.

Heat a skillet over high heat and fry the pineapple rings on both sides until caramelised, a couple of minutes maximum. Remove from heat and roughly chop up into caramelised chunks of wonder.

Prepare the base as per the Zsa Zsa recipe, sprinkle over the chilli flakes and top generously with the ham and pineapple. Sprinkle over the cheese and bake for 15-20 minutes or until it is golden and molten. Devour quickly to eat your feelings.

 

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Brookechetta Jowett

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Party Food, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, we continued to be told there were divisions in the tribe only for the alliance to stick together and boot our latest queen JL, leaving Kristie as our last remaining hope.

Thankfully the tribe arrived back at camp where my JL’s comments finally seemed to be making headway, with Flick starting to seriously talk about turning on her allies. Could today be our lucky day? Could it?! An episode with actual gameplay, where people don’t just ride out their time accepting the status quo?!

They awoke the next morning with Flick still seething, immediately making her my second favourite person as she talks about turning on Brooke. TBH, how Flick hasn’t been my favourite thus far given her killer deathies is beyond me.

Queen Kristie then dropped by to remind me why, giving a kookie confessional and clearly articulating her game while channelling Crazy Eyes.

Wanting to give me some excitement for when the alliance doesn’t splinter, JLP arrived for the reward challenge which required the boneheaded men to stand shirtless and flex their pecs. I zoned out on some nip and before I knew it, Dim Sam won reward and opted to share his reward – a bed – with Lee.

Boys, you sure know how to win me back! Brooke, however, wasn’t as titillated.

Matt and Brooke then watched as the boys tried out their bed, played around with their skimpy new undies and spooned. I used to hate them for being stupid and so-dominant-that-the-game-was-boring respectively, now I hate them as I wish I was them watching that.

While the boys relaxed post coitus – let me dream – Brooke then got in on the flipping act and pulled Flick aside to discuss voting out Lee and El. Anywho, Brooke then made her riskiest move of the game and spoke to Sam about voting off his lover or El. Sam, surprisingly, made the smart point that booting El was the best option, as Lee would still be around to take the target off them.

That or he’d turn on them. I’m just proud that Sam seems to be thinking. Or just trying to keep his snuggle buddy – which if that is the case, I’m ok.

Not wanting to be outdone, Flick went back into attack mode and approached El about blindsiding Brooke which would actually be a major blindside and the thought makes me so happy. Like Craig and Phoebe still being here, happy.

Lee then gave us an amazing filler clip, modelling his new jocks while Sam spoke wistfully about not wanting to break up their relationship before they stripped off and got into bed together. They then gave each other permission to pursue other options. Seriously, this isn’t even my erotic novelisation of the episode – THIS IS HAPPENING.

Imaging if Kengel was here?!

Jealous El then whisked Lee away to break the news that the man he just woke up next to and Brooke were planning on taking him out, making him invoke his favourite word mateship like he is Mel Gibson in Gallipoli. Thankfully he reminded himself that this is a game that only one person can win, jumped on board and went to Queen Kristie to secure the numbers. Obvs, she was keen.

The editors can’t be leading me that far astray right? Something is actually happening tonight?!

We finally arrived at the immunity challenge where Sam gloated about bedding my man and Brooke was cocky about winning again. Thankfully JLP then introduced what is quite possibly the hardest house of cards challenge, with the stacks having to be built on a rotating platform they had to told steady with a rope. Continuing in the episode’s tradition of the men finally competing, Lee won the challenge, foiling Brooke’s plan in the process.

The tribe returned to camp where they actually commenced scrambling again, with Flick relishing her role as the swing vote, Brooke confident the jury would love watching El get voted out before Matt got scared Flick was playing them and then arrogant that El would be going. The OG Aganoans then went for a walk to discuss the chances of Flick actually voting with them before rehearsing for tribal council and how to hide their blindside from LaPaglia.

We finally arrived at tribal where JoJo worked hard to test Lee’s rehearsal before Brooke threw herself under the bus with her brutal talk. Flick continued to well and truly win me back over, while Matt continued to be a snivelling fail, El was sick of beating around the bush and Kristie was just glad that she didn’t have friends so they couldn’t turn on her.

Everyone was confident heading into the vote where the impossible happened, the alliance cracked and my dear friend Brooke – we’re both v. important in the social media world, remember when I went viral? – was blindsided.

While I’ve had a lot to say – quite aggressively – about how boring the last few episodes have been, it truly came down to how dominantly Brooke was playing the game – she kept her numbers tight and sadly, the boots obvious.

So yes, I’ve been angry with her for my boredom’s sake, but I still welcomed her to the Jury Villa with open arms – hiding my joy that someone else started to play the game – and a plate full of my famous Brookechetta Jowett.

 

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Like the feeling you get when you watch an episode with actual strategy after suffering through a series of obvious boots, bruschetta is a beautiful palate cleanser. Fresh, a little tart, sweet and crunchy, it is the perfect argument for why toast – which let’s be honest, this is – should never be discounted.

Kind of like Kristie – enjoy!

 

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Brookechetta Jowett
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
6 very ripe roma tomatoes
¼ cup basil leaves
2 tsp champagne vinegar
¼ teaspoon caster sugar
olive oil
loaf of sourdough, sliced into thick slices
2 garlic cloves
Salt and pepper

Method
Cut the ends off the tomatoes, squeeze out the pips and roughly chop into a small dice – trust your judgement / personal preferences on the size.

Mix the tomato, basil, vinegar and sugar in a small bowl with a tablespoon of oil. Season generously and leave to stew.

Meanwhile toast all of the bread – either under the grill or obviously in the toaster. As soon as it toasted to your preferences, slice the cloves of garlic in half and rub the open side onto the toast and drizzle lightly with oil.

Spoon the tomato mixture on top. Devour.

 

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JL Salkeld Caramel

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Condiment, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, the alliance continued to be led by a dominant trio while Matt lacked the self awareness/respect to see that JL was speaking the truth and that he was well and truly on the bottom – not in a good way – before poor Sue found her way out of the game and into the jury.

We arrived back at camp where Matt continued to be deluded, JL scared for her ever more precarious position and Kristie pissed to have received 4/9 votes. Surely that means we are in for a blindside tonight, right?!

Lol – the ads said it, so no.

In the words of my dear Celine Dion, a new day has come and we opened up with the contingent who have never seen an episode going fishing before Lee opened up to Kristie that he was forced to write her name down because that is what his alliance wanted. Thankfully Kristie is aware that this is a game for half a million dollars and knew that this was a possibility and stayed quiet.

At this point, if anyone other than Kristie wins (or Brooke, as the most likeable of the trio), the season is a waste.

Kristie then approached JL, knowing that since they are the only two – outside of Brooke – with a brain, that they need to make a move and convince the idiots to do something – ANYTHING – to save what started out as a promising season.

Thankfully the power trio then started talking to JL about the fact that they would have to start turning on people – aka the basic premise of Survivor – giving me hope. Misplaced hope probably, but hope nonetheless.

Sam then decide to take a leaf out of that evil snake Nick’s book and commenced plotting the downfall of El and Lee, aka two of his four closest allies … leading to old Saanapu proclaiming that literally doing the bare minimum, is the biggest move of Survivor in all time.

Remember when Craig, Phoebe and even – I hate myself – Andrew were in the game? Who would have thought Andrew was part of the gold old days era?!

We arrived at the immunity challenge where Flick acknowledged that they have to vote people out and JL noted she is fucked if she doesn’t win. So obviously, she didn’t win – Brooke did – but more shockingly Dim Sam was smart enough to do well in an intelligence/memory challenge.

Sam.

Sam Webb with a half-sleeve tattoo of a web like it is witty.

Yep.

The tribe arrived back at camp to commence scrambling, however considering the dominant alliance all applauded and congratulated Brooke upon her victory, it was looking more likely that JL’s promise to not go down without a fight, will still end up with her going down.

Aside, remember Kat? So great. Her hat was more strategic than half the remaining cast.

Two that were smarter than her hat, JL and Kristie, went to find a way out of their hole by playing up their pawn status, Flick and Brooke were feeling bad about having to turn on El and Lee to win – although highly likely, NOT TODAY – and JL told El that she needed to do something if she wants to win.

We then arrived at tribal where JL continued to call out the tribal dynamics and position herself as a valuable number. Lee and Brooke then scoffed at the money, begging the question why the hell do you play if you don’t want to win? Matt then pretended he knows about strategy, El made me pray for that blindside and Lee edged towards losing my love completely and Flick took JL’s bait and announced that their is a smaller alliance within the boring alliance, hopefully waking up El and Lee.

Sadly, despite all of her hard work and Flick’s massive misstep, JL found her way out of the game and into my loving arms.

As we are both Queensland based writers, JL and I have enjoyed a close relationship for many years after meeting at law school where I was mock Annalise-ing my way through a scam. Yes I was found out, but JL is kind, loyal and knows that building friendships with story generators is good for a writer, so we remained very close. The only thing sweeter than our friendship is my Jennah-Louise aka JL Salkeld Caramel … which is coincidentally, what I made her to dull the pain of joining the jury and celebrate her status as the last remaining Vavau.

 

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There is truly nothing better than a salted caramel. I mean, pause, think about it …

Welcome back! How amazing is it? Sweet, salty and smooth – it is life affirming and delicious and uplifts everything it touches.

Hyperbole? Never – try it and see for yourself. Enjoy!

 

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JL Salkeld Caramel
Makes: 500mL … ish. Well technically I guessed the size of the jar, it could be a tablespoon given my spacial awareness.

Ingredients
2 cups raw caster sugar
180g unsalted butter, at room temperature and diced
1 cup heavy cream, at room temperature
1 tbsp maldon salt

Method
Melt the sugar over medium-high heat in a medium, heavy bottomed saucepan, stirring minimally. Every recipe calls for something different at this stage, but I get too paranoid it will burn if I don’t stir, so do what feels right?

Once the sugar has dissolved, let it bubble away until it turns an amber colour, at which point add the butter and whisk like crazy. It will steam, spit and get angry – kind of like me at any given moment – but in the words of Dory, just keep whisking … until all the butter is combined.

Remove the caramel from the heat, slowly adding the cream – again while whisking, avoiding the rage of the caramel. Stir until combined before whisking in the salt.

Set aside to cool for about half an hour before decanting into a jar / your mouth.

No judgement.

If you refrigerate, you’ll need to heat it – very carefully – before use.

 

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Tomato Soup Clarke

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Side, Snack, Soup, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, the tribe were paranoid after Nick pointed out the bleedingly obvious except for Kylie who blindly followed Brooke and Flick who got more cocky by the second and JL returned from her six week absence to win immunity before Kylie found her trust misplaced and herself out of the game.

To the joy of everyone, who did not miss her despite the fact she was a loving lapdog for the last 40 days.

Thankfully JL is making the most of her return and is reiterating what Kate and Nick said on their way out days ago – it is time to make a move and fight the power. Or something, I’m not getting my hopes up as the last six episodes have been about someone fighting the dominant alliance … only for nothing to happen.

The next day the unholy trinity met in the water for Flick and Brooke to strategise about getting rid of the boys while El did her thing and agreed with everything that was said. JL, meanwhile continued to make the most of her second chance and went to Kristie to turn the tide against the girls and actually play for herself. Then – wait for it – she approached Sue and Sam in front of everyone at camp, while Flick stared at her with more anger than my resting bitch face.

While I was hopeful that with Kylie gone the girls wouldn’t have a snitch, Matt took everything that JL had then told him – which was true and he knew it – back to Brooke. After such a triumphant episode yesterday, I’m back to hating him. Obviously this annoyed the girls and they set their sights on JL, but more importantly Brooke allowed El to tell the story and feel like she was contributing to life. Their arrogance then went overboard and I’m back to wishing for their downfalls, even though they’re the only people that have played consistently the entire game.

I’m looking at you, disappearing JL.

Finally JoJo arrived to give us some more ball action for a spitSunday roast. Sue was given the joy of sitting out of the reward and gambling for the win. Given one team had an ex-cricketer who is also experienced with my balls, she rightfully backed the winning team and got to reap the rewards of their hard work.

While the cool kids and Sue were enjoying their reward, JL got to work on wooing the sole cool kid left at camp, Flick, to consider booting Brooke, who let’s be honest will beat both her and El. The next day, JL was further on the outs with the girls now straight up ignoring her after Matt continued his assault on my sanity after telling the girls everything she had said to Flick while they were away on reward. Seriously Matt, your actions make me feel bipolar – stop.

We arrived at the next immunity challenge where the tribe had to stand on their toes and keep a block balanced between their head and a plank above – sounds boring, looks boring, genuinely difficult. Thankfully JL, the one most in need of immunity won the challenge meaning the girls had to find a new target heading into tribal.

The tribes returned to camp with the absolute shits due to JL’s victory before focusing on voting out their alliance member Matt, while JL and Sue took the time to talk smack about Matt and mock his game. Sadly, obviously, making him safe. Right on cue, the alliance then had a change of heart and decided, quite rightfully, that Sue was the next biggest threat and needed to go, and opted to split the vote between her and Kristie.

Matt then continued to show his mentalist abilities and pressed his alliance to split the vote, repeatedly, in front of Kristie … despite knowing that they were splitting the vote on her. Unless we later learn this was his move to save Kristie, this was moronic. Thankfully JL and Sue continued to show that they were the true brains, planning to throw their votes on Kristie in the hope that split happens and they can force her out of the game.

We finally made it to tribal for JoJo to put us out of our misery. Well JL actually did the job, when she opened tribal by reading Matt for absolute filth and then berated him in front of the entire tribe, impressing the jury and making him look like a dweeb.

Yes, I say dweeb now.

Wanting in on the action, JoJo then jumped on the bandwagon and started to help JL twist the knife in and rub his face in it. JLP, you beautiful bastard – finally your heavy handed approach to tribal is paying off. Flick then admitted she would need to flip to get to the end, then said she doesn’t want anyone to flip, then Sue jumped in and commenced reading the trio of girls, pointed out the entire pecking order and questioned their every refute. Thankfully Sam was still around to make no sense and not understand the game. Sadly his presence was to the detriment of Sue’s game, who made her way out of the game into my loving/frustrated arms.

I first met Sue while she was working in customs – she broke up my budgie smuggling ring and sent me to prison for a decade. Being kind, Sue responded to my prison letters and we developed a bond while she tried to help me get my life back on track.

Obviously that all occurred over a piping hot bowl of Tomato Soup Clarke, my prison weapon of choice.

 

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While I’m a huge fan of some Big Red, I’d always wanted to try making my own tomato soup and thankfully the warmth of Sue’s kitchen showed me the light and gave me the confidence to try. Warm, rich and everything Big Red isn’t, in the best way possible.

No shade to Big Red though, I love it and would be their spokesperson in a heartbeat. Enjoy!

 

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Tomato Soup Clark
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1.5kg Roma tomatoes, halved
pinch of raw caster sugar
olive oil
1 punnet of cherry tomatoes
50g unsalted butter
2 onions, roughly diced
2 carrots, roughly chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped, roughly
4 garlic cloves, bruised and chopped in half
400g can – chopped – tomatoes, how much do I love chopped things in this recipe
2 tbsp sundried tomato paste
2 bay leaves
small bunch of basil, leaves removed with some kept aside to garnish
4 cups vegetable stock
handful small buffalo mozzarella, torn

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

Place the Roma tomatoes, cut-side up, on a baking tray like they are going to sunbake in the oven, rather than die. Top with sugar, drizzle with oil and season with a good whack of salt and pepper before roasting for half an hour or so, or until softened and starting to caramelise.

Remove from the oven and add their children  – aka cherry tomatoes – to the tray and bake for a further 15 minutes to ensure you’ve wiped the entire family from existence. Remove from the oven and allow to cook.

While the tomato corpses are chilling, melt the butter over medium heat in a large pan with a good lug of olive oil. Cook the remaining vegetables for a couple of minutes, until softened. Stir through the canned tomatoes and paste before adding the bay leaves, basil, stock and cooked – read, dead – tomatoes.

Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for half an hour or until tender.

Remove from the heat and allow to cool slightly before blitzing. Once as smooth as Santana feat. Rob Thomas, return to the heat and cook  for a couple of minutes before adjusting the seasoning.

Generously serve amongst the bowls and top with the torn mozzarella and reserved basil. Devour.

 

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Gnokylie Evans

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main

Previously on Australian Survivor, the editors finally made Nick likeable again just in time for the ‘good guys’ to convince his alliance to slit his throat, while they – the people who have never seen an episode of Survivor – lived to see another day and fight the good fight.

Sam, you’re meant to be hot and I should forgive you, but you’re not and I’m now annoyed by you. Lee, you’re hot so I’ll suffer through this with you. Anyway, the editors have opted to return Matt to the realm of the likeable meaning he is likely out by the end of the episode.

After tribal, Kylie finally lost the last shred of respect I had for her while grovelling to the cool girls – who let’s admit are playing hard and deserve to win if they make it to the end – while Brooke continued to play low key, downplaying tribal and trying to move forward and throw the attention off her.

The next day JL returned to the tribe after a seven week absence to comfort Matt after he was told he was on the bottom the day before – how that is a bad thing, i’ll never know. Matt continued his assault on my heart though, making me even sadder that he is likely going home at the end of the episode. Right?

Flick then escorted Queen Sue down to the shore to wash the pans and convince her that the truth from Nick’s tribal, was a lie. While Sue clearly saw it was bullshit, she played along and adopted the Sandra Diaz-Twine strategy. While it isn’t as big of a move as the ads had us believe, it is a successful one.

Again, Sue. Queen. YAS.

Brooke and Flick then went for a walk – which I would mock given they were called out for being so close, however their competition doesn’t seem to be very aware of anything so what do they have to lose? – discussing the merits of cutting Matt or Kylie’s throats.

Queen Sue then stated the obvious to the tribe, saying that Nick finally made everyone extremely paranoid leading to another emotional Matt monologue, making me even more anxious for his safety.

The tribe then arrived at immunity where I was about to say JL had returned to the game, already forgetting she returned ten minutes ago.

As an aside, can we just reiterate that JoJo wears a tee to challenges but a button through at tribal? It is like my nephew dressing up for Christmas Day and I love it. Give him a side part, and I’ll buy this kid some Lego for being so adorable.

Anyway, there was a whole lot of balancing, suspended ladders and ball play, because this is Survivor and the challenges are legally required to seem smutty. After a tough battle, shockingly coming down to three women, JL proved skilled with her balls and won immunity while Matt, Sue, Flick and Lee were sent to exile islandbeach until tribal council.

While sending almost half the tribe away to exile makes it kind of redundant, we were treated to double the scrambling … so win for the audience?

Over on exile, they were offered the chance of finding a hidden immunity idol however listened to Flick – who is in charge and safe – to not look for it, before locking in the vote for Matt. Well, two of them at least. Meanwhile back at camp, Brooke pushed to lock in the vote for Kylie. While Kylie, obviously, believes Sue is going home. And Matt believes he is going home, heartbreak.

Thankfully we arrive at tribal council – where Nick was looking very skinny on the jury and Sam, I assume, kept cursing him in parseltongue for being a snake – where JoJo could ask some aggressively leading questions to clear up what is happening and to call out Flick’s cover. Kylie was loving Flick’s story that the majority was progressing together, while Sue tried to play the middle with a non-committal response and poor Matt was forced to rehash the fact that he just wants to be loved.

Is that too much to ask?

Kylie then went in hard on believing in the people she trusted meaning, obviously, she was the next person heading to the jury … thankfully saving Matt 2.0.

As you’ve probably guessed, I first connected with Kyls whilst completing basic training. Is that a fire fighting thing? I have no idea on account of being quickly fired, no pun intended, from the fire service for my debilitating drug habit.

While Kylie had zero game for the latter half of the season, she did take me under her wing while I was struggling, meaning I well and truly owed her a big batch of my Gnokylie Evans as she made her way to – shudder – the jury villa. #Pounderosa for life.

 

gnokylie-evans-1

 

Full disclosure, I hate – because I suck at it – making gnocchi. Hate, hate, hate-ity, hate. It probably has a lot to do with the fact I’ve burnt my hands every time I’ve attempted it because I forgot it is a long process and end up trying to form the dough with searing hot potato.

I bet you’re thinking, why the fuck did this guy think a food blog was a good idea? Relax – I can cook, sometimes, when I’m not making moronic choices.

Choices, you know?

Anyway, I trust Valli Little with my life – whether she knows it/me or not – so have used her gnocchi recipe and it works, without burning the skin from your hands if the instructions are followed. Enjoy!

 

gnokylie-evans-2

 

Gnokylie Evans
Serves: 6 normal people, 4 in my house.

Ingredients
1.5 kg floury potatoes, peeled and chopped into a generous dice (larger pieces, less water absorbed)
large pinch freshly grated nutmeg
2 eggs, beaten
350g plain flour, plus extra to dust
250g pancetta, roughly chopped
2 garlic cloves, chopped
500ml double cream
zest of a lemon
1 tsp chilli flakes, optional
1 cup frozen peas, defrosted and drained
shaved parmesan, to serve

Method
With that, place the potatoes in a pan of cold water – this is important – bring to the boil and cook until just tender. Drain the potatoes, return to the pan and cook over low heat, stirring, for a minute or two to ensure they are dry husks aka without moisture.

Allow to cool. Say it with me and remind me if you ever hear me mention gnocchi, allow to cool completely.

Pass through a ricer or mash aggressively until smooth and your rage sorted. Add a pinch of nutmeg, eggs, a pinch of salt and flour and gently bring together with your hands. Emphasis on gentle, the dough is like shortcrust pastry – you want to work it only as much as you need to.

Once it has come together, dust the bench and your hands with flour and take about a quarter of the dough, roll into a 1.5cm thick log. Slice into 2cm lengths, use the back of a fork to roll the gnocchi to give you the imprint – press the fork down into the length and pull towards you – and place on a floured baking sheet to rest. Repeat the process until all done and allow to rest for an hour or so.

Bring a large pot of salted water to the boil.

Meanwhile heat a large pot over high heat and fry the pancetta until crisp, add the garlic and cook for a minute. Reduce heat to low, stir through the cream, lemon, chilli (if you’re partaking) and cook for about five minutes. Add the peas and cook for a further minute or two. Turn off the pan but keep on the heat.

Cook the gnocchi in batches until they rise to the surface, remove with a slotted spoon to a colander and repeat until they’re done.

Once they’ve drained completely, stir through the creamy sauce and serve, generously topped with parmesan. Devour.

Also yes, the parmesan looks crap – the shop was out of shaved and I am lazy, ok shady ladies of the Drag Race Reddit?

 

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Nick Iadanzipasto Platter

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, the minority alliance once again tried to overcome the supermajority, El won immunity and Kate put in a dominant tribal council performance before ultimately being eliminated as the final pre-jury player.

Can we agreed that losing the last four boots just plain sucked?

We opened back up with the three leaders – El, Brooke and Flick – irritated by Sam for stepping out of line at last night’s tribal before Nick tried to throw himself a pity party, annoying Sam and Lee further. The next day Nick continued to drown in his self-pity while Flick continued to stew in her rage. So yeah, they’re really fun this episode.

Thankfully Brooke was more rational and spoke to Sam – oh wait, she too is not over it – before the El comforted Nick who was now painting tribal council as a series of personal attacks.

After a brief and – at the risk of sounding out of character – sweet, genuine emotional display from Nick, we then arrived at a reward challenge involving a series of rings and pegging – no joke – for letters from home.

Despite squandering the lead for his team, Nick secured victory before Kristie and El gave up their reward for Matt and Flick respectively. Kristie made sense, given she is playing the middle to perfection … and considering the fact that she won her letter simply by backing the winning team but El’s selflessness seemed pointless as Flick would stick with her anyway.

The victors then arrive at their reward for a cup of tea and their love where Sam started out by sounding like he was reading for the first time ever, Matt was endearing, Flick sweet, Kylie heartwarming, Lee babin’ / heartbreakin’ and Nick – again, shudder – genuine.

Guess I’ll keep waiting for that damn blindside, right?

They then joined the losers where Matt pledged to stick by Kristie due to her kindness – well played Kristie. Nick then approached Lee to sort through their issues, finishing with Lee apologising, while Nick then confronted Sam who seemed less into buying what Nick was selling.

Finally we made our way to the much touted record breaking challenge, made famous by Ozzy Lusth, where they all had to hold onto a big pole. Seriously, are they just trying to win me over with challenges with smutty connotations?

Anyway after almost six hours on the pole, Brooke bartered with JoJo for her letter from home before stepping off and giving Kylie immunity … sending Nick into panic mode.

They returned to camp where Brooke took the opportunity to read her letter, giving off a hint of a winner edit … meaning I’ve now claimed a winner edit for most of the people left in the game meaning I should be correct, once. Maybe.

After the brief emotional interlude, the scrambling began with Nick telling Matt and Kylie to split the vote between Sue and Kristie, while Sam again lead the charge to get rid of Nick before confusing everyone with who would be throwing votes on Sue in case of an idol.

The tribe then arrived at tribal confused as to what their plans were before JoJo made Brooke feel awkward for proclaiming she was 90% safe, then Matt offered up that he was feeling 99% confident making Nick paranoid enough to call out his closest allies before Sam once again started laying into Nick … and then Nick commenced echoing Kate, calling out the alliance and outlining the hierarchy. Like Kate, it was all for nought as Nick was booted from the tribe to become the first member of the jury.

Now I know I have been hard on Nick these last couple of weeks but he is actually a dear, dear friend of mine after we met at university where – you guessed it – I was running a scam as a lecturer. Fun fact, my teaching methods actually inspired the character of Mr G.

Nick could see through my scam and worked with me to sort out my life. He is a really great guy and despite being labelled a snake on the show, he couldn’t be sweeter – he was playing hard and it was easier for people to label him as a villain to get ahead.

While he was disappointed to exit the game, making the jury was more than enough for him to get down celebrating over a big Nick Iadanzipasto Platter.

 

nick-iadanzipasto-platter-1

 

Less a recipe and more of a guide, an antipasto should be packed full of delicious meats, cheeses and vegetables that you love, eaten greedily with a generous glass of wine.

Or bottle. Enjoy!

 

nick-iadanzipasto-platter-2

 

Nick Iadanzipasto Platter
Serves: 4-6, greed dependent.

Ingredients
buffalo mozzarella balls, torn in chunks
sliced prosciutto
jarred – not judgement – roasted artichokes, drained
sundried tomatoes, drained
chargrilled peppers, drained
mixed olives
cherry tomatoes, quartered
fresh basil, leaves picked
clove garlic, cut in half
ciabatta, sliced
chilli flakes

Method
Place the ingredients around the board based on your preferred aesthetic, sprinkle with the basil leaves and chilli.

Toast the ciabatta, rub with the cut garlic and drizzle with oil.

Add the toast to the board and devour. Or you know, just devour.

 

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Stuffed Kate Campbell Peppers

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, the tribes merged forming the new Fia Fia tribe before Brooke dominated at the first individual immunity challenge and Sue told her fellow minority members that they’d be safe if they stuck together. They then all literally voted for a different person and Conner went home.

We opened back up with Flick and Brooke feeling confident after tribal thanks to being in the mega-majority of nine – let’s hope you’re on the right side within that group … and the group within that one, girls – while Kate and Sue were rightfully feeling screwed.

To quote Keith Nale, maybe you should have stuck to the plan and Kylie/Sam may have switched?

The next day the tribe opted to undertake some camp renovations, I assume to eat into the audience of their rival – the terrible – The Block.

Either way, sweet Kate then cornered Kylie and tried to commence a good old fashioned battle between good and evil, deciding that the key to her safety was pulling in the kind, good sports. Yeah it could be boring, but wouldn’t another Nick blindside be delightful?

To help thicken the plot, Brooke and Flick dragged El into their confidence as they plotted the downfall of the minority. Just putting it out there, 9 vs. 3 shouldn’t really call for this much plotting. While Kate continued her fight, going to Sam and Lee and became a less arrogant version of Spencer and drew out the hierarchy in the sand in the hope they’ll buy that they are at the bottom and will flip.

Sorry, where was I? I just said Sam, Lee, bottom and flip, and now I’m distracted.

Anyway, we were then treated to a delightful display of gender stereotyping while the girls primped and preened before Sam and Lee finally started earning their keep and got to work wooing Kristie to their side to blindside Nick. Meanwhile out in the water Nick, Flick, JL and Brooke continued plotting to get out Kate. Though is it plotting if that is the plan every time we check in? I guess it takes time to get to your entire alliance when it is most of the tribe.

Finally JoJo arrived for the next immunity challenge to change the narrative. While it is good that it is about balls, it looks really difficult and has a menacing sound and is making me anxious. After a surprisingly long and gripping challenge – shit, am I Probst? – El continued the female dominance, taking out the ball challenge over a former professional cricketer.

Back at camp, shit started to hit the fan in earnest with the majority applauding El’s immunity win before they quickly locked in their votes on Kate and Sue while Sam’s winner edit finally kicked in as he worked hard to axe Nick and take control of his own game.

Then Kylie happened and spilled all to Brooke … who ran to Flick, turning the girls against Sam. While I truly want Nick out, that is a surprisingly good move on Kylie’s part. The girls then confronted Sam – changing their mind from earlier – before storming away from the conversation as they headed out to tribal.

JoJo had barely started to question the castaways before all hell started to break loose with Flick calling out the scrambling, Kate calling out the majority, Kylie trying to diffuse the situation and Kate taking a leaf out of Ciera’s book, calling out the majority and telling the passive players to start playing the game … before ultimately calling out Nick. Then Sam jumped on board, calling Nick a snake, Nick was passive aggressive about people being pious while Lee started groaning and was over the drama.

After all the drama, Kate had a shit eating grin as they headed out to vote however after everyone laid into Nick, he played his idol and guaranteed that is was Kate going out of the game and just missing the jury.

I’ve known Kate for years – as you can probably guess, I was involved in the boating accident so can’t really talk about the early days of our friendship – and she has always had such a wonderful attitude and never gives up. Despite not getting to experience the joy of making the jury – like a young, female Andrew Savage – she did get to experience my Stuffed Kate Campbell Peppers, and that was a win for her.

 

stuffed-kate-campbell-peppers-1

 

Spicy, sweet and hearty – these babies are everything you need to eat through the pain of just missing the final stage of the game.

Enjoy!

 

stuffed-kate-campbell-peppers-2

 

Stuffed Kate Campbell Peppers
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 large red capsicums
extra virgin olive oil
1 onion, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, crushed
500g lean beef mince
1 tbsp dried oregano
1 tbsp chilli flakes
2 tsp cumin
½ cup fresh parsley, roughly chopped
½ cup fresh mint, roughly chopped
400g can chopped tomatoes
½ cup long grain white rice
200g feta, crumbled

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Cut the tops off the capsicums – reserving for later – and remove the seeds and membrane, and stand on a baking paper-lined baking dish.

Heat a good lug of oil in a large frying pan, add the onion and cook, stirring, until softened – about five minutes. Add the garlic and cook for a minute or so and it is nice and fragrant.

Add the mince and cook for five minutes, breaking up with a wooden spoon as you go. Add the herbs, tomato, rice, ½ cup of cold water and a good whack of salt and pepper. Bring to the boil, reduce to low and simmer for 5 minutes or until the sauce starts to thicken. Remove from heat and stir through the feta.

Divide the mixture between capsicums, top with the capsicum lids, drizzle with oil and bake for 45 minutes or until capsicums have softened and skins start to get rich and blistered.

 

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Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Poultry, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor – yes, I have to stipulate that now – Vavau neared extinction after the tribes absorbed resulting in major casualties in sweet, angel Craig and Aganoan goddess Phoebe.

We opened up right on schedule with the melancholic Vavau tribe, now down to three comparing their level of skeletal-ness. I literally can not pick a winner of this competition though.

Thankfully the tribes convened for what they thought was their next challenge where the Vavauns were surprised to discover they’ve been saved from themselves as the tribes actually merged and were treated to the Survivor Auction.

Conner walked away with the first two items, blowing all his money in the process, Sam bought some mediocre looking nachos, Brooke got a very cheap bath – why did no one bid against her? – while Lee got the ultimate prize – an advantage – for only $80, before Nick paid $440 for a covered item … which also turned out to be an advantage in the game.

The tribe arrived at their new camp, the former Vavau tribe, which made the old Saanapuans wistful for their days of opulence over at their camp. Instead they were stuck in the Survivor slums which Kristie and Phoebe attempted to burn to the ground but a week ago.

They immediately got to work scrambling as one tribe, with Flick leading the charge against Conner while Sue rallied the counter alliance to topple Saanapu. I’m not sure who should tell them the immunity challenge hadn’t even occurred yet?

Lee then disappeared to the well to discover his advantage, which is to block someone voting at tribal council.

Nick then disappeared to the well, at a different time, where he discovered he paid $360 more than Lee for an idol clue rather than a guaranteed advantage. Thankfully he found the idol … however sadly it was just after being sprung by Lee who is now wary of him.

The dominant alliance then found a pink piece of cloth and decided friendship bracelets were the best way to highlight the pecking order before they arrived at their first individual immunity challenge.

Sadly I was not competing as I would have dominated, I’ve never met someone that grips a pole quite like me!

After what seemed like an eternity, the poles got wet and slippery – according to JoJo, I didn’t actually see rain and think he was just feeling inspired by Probsty – before Kylie’s memory lapsed and Brooke took out immunity.

We returned to camp for the actual scrambling where we were reintroduced to Flick who seems to struggle with pronunciation before Nick got to work over-explaining a vote split, Sam worked his way into my good books by trying to turn it on Nick and Sue got to work dominating with a plan to screw Nick’s split vote.

The tribe – oh did I mention they called themselves Fia Fia? They did – arrived at tribal with me quite confused as to what would happen. Flick was confident, Nick was quietly confident and Conner was trying his best to throw the target on to someone else.

Anyone.

JoJo then opted to call out the friendship bracelets and attempted to throw them all under the bus as we headed into the vote, however poor Conner ran out of luck and found himself voted out.

While I’m sad that Sue’s plan didn’t come to fruition just for Nick’s tantrum alone, Conner was a legitimate threat and made sense however telling him how much of a scrappy underdog he was, isn’t what he wanted to hear as he stepped out of the game.

I’ve recently been teaching law in Canberra which is where I connected with Conner – seriously, why universities continue to hire me is beyond puzzling. As you can tell from the game, Conner is perceptive and could pick up on the fact I was not a qualified lawyer or professor. Despite this, his kind heart got in the way and we started a friendship despite his better judgement.

Thankfully for him though, that friendship meant I knew exactly what he needed as he exited the game – his favourite, my Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune.

 

arroz-conner-pollo-bethune-1

 

Hearty, warm, spicy and soothing – this dish is the epitome of comfort food while also packing a punch. Delicate saffron, a kick of cumin and the tart olives? Enjoy!

 

arroz-conner-pollo-bethune-2

 

Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
½ cup white wine, or as much as your drinking allows
pinch of saffron threads
6 chicken thighs fillets, diced
1 onion, finely diced
5 garlic cloves, minced
salt and pepper
olive oil
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground sweet paprika
400g can diced tomatoes
1 tbsp tomato paste
2 dried bay leaves
1 ½ cups short-grain rice
3 cups chicken stock, plus more if needed
1 cup pitted green olives, rinsed and drained
½ cup chargrilled capsicum, drained and roughly chopped
¼ cup parsley, roughly chopped

Method
Combine the wine and saffron in a bowl and allow to steep.

Heat a good lug of oil in a large dutch oven over medium heat and add the onion and garlic and sweat for a couple of minutes before adding the chicken with a good whack of salt and pepper and cook until browned.

Reduce the heat to low and add the tinned tomatoes and paste and cook stirring for a minute. Add the wine/saffron and bay leaves and cook until reduced slightly, about five-ten minutes.

Stir in the rice and stock, bring to a simmer, reduce the heat to low and cover, cooking for about half an hour stirring occasionally. Or until the liquid has all absorbed.

Remove from the heat, stir through the olives and capsicum and leave to stand for about ten minutes.

Then serve and devour.

 

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Phoebe Gratimmins

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Side, Snack, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor, Phoebe and Kristie pulled off a killer blindside on Craig – for which Kristie was robbed of an Emmy – before Phoebe attempted to throw her only ally under the bus after Vavau lost immunity. Again. Thankfully for our budding actress instead of voting out a tribe member in front of a Saanapuan, their rival was able to kidnap a tribe member, making the battle now four to ten after Brooke took Sue.

We opened up back at Saanapu where Brooke filled the tribe in on all the Phoebe intel – which JoJo kindly threw out there at tribal – while Sue tried to find her footing despite knowing she was the taken to be an easy boot if they lost.

Remember the good old days of triumphant, happy Vavau? The feels. Current flailing, sad Vavau arrived back from tribal where Kristie was relieved to still be in the game thanks to the twist, though lacked the awareness to know that Phoebe well and truly does not have her back.

The next day Phoebe checked in with Kristie to make sure she was buying her loyalty before the camp literally caught on fire. Kristie – this is a sign from the island. Surprisingly it was Kristie that put it out, despite the fact she is oft edited to appear like a serial killer.

Over on Saanapu poor Sue woke up to her new reality, hanging clothes and clearing the air with her fellow ex-Vavauns. Well, Nick – she and Jennah-Louise didn’t have beef. Nick had his cranky pants on and Sue tried to calm him but didn’t seem to really give a shit about his tude. She may not be very visible but I love her.

The tribes then reconvened with JoJo for the immunity challenge where Vavau were emulating the great Aitu Four, mainly due to the fact that they are grossly outnumbered and soon to become Twolong.

In addition to immunity, the tribes were competing for the Hungry Jack’s breakfast menu by a waterfall.

After a tight battle – where the tribes had to rub (around) a pole, navigate a beam, tease another pole and work some hard stumps – Sam hurt his pole but not his pride with Saanapu pulling out a come from behind victory.

While at this point we are normally treated to a dejected Vavau, we trundled off to reward with Saanapu to ensure that we all knew that the burgers truly are better at Hungry Jack’s. Now with real coffee. Corporate sponsorship aside, Sue was happy, so I’m happy. Of course Nick continued to play the loudest, tiny violin and promised her downfall. Which obviously ain’t happening.

Finally we get to see Vavau return to camp for their annual scramble where Conner and Kate mixed things up and exchanged trust. Despite the scene being extremely corny, it warmed my cold heart and makes me want them to become the Australian Romber.

With the pleasantries out of the way, they connected with Phoebe and reconfirmed last night’s plan to boot Kristie. Obviously that gave Phoebe the opportunity to once again attempt to keep Kristie from getting paranoid, except this time it made her paranoid. She then approached Kate who threw Phoebe under the bus, igniting a fire in Kristie like the one she and Phoebe lit at camp earlier.

After working Kate and Conner to her side and giving another award winning performance with Phoebe, Kristie cryptically danced around JoJo’s questions at tribal before taking out – finally – Phoebe.

I first connected with Phoebe while she was attending Law School where I was, obviously, in the midst of one of my institutional lecturing scams. Despite running the course like a young, less interesting – and surprisingly, less murdery – Annalise Keating, Phoebe and I grew close.

I assume she was fascinated by my complex mind and she is treating me like a study, but alas, that is a story for another time. Phebs was in good spirits upon arriving at loser lodge, despite just being the victim of a blindside AND just missing the actual merge and now risks losing her boyfriend.

I don’t want to oversell it now, but I completely put her positive mood down to my Phoebe Gratimmins.

 

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Creamy, warm and soothing, it is everything you need to lift your spirits after exiting the game you’ve dominated – completely – for a month.

Well played Phebs, you’ll be missed while on the loser vacay.

Enjoy!

 

phoebe-gratimmins-2

 

Phoebe Gratimmins
Serves: 4-6, as a side. 1 after finding out you just missed the merge.

Ingredients
1kg potatoes, washed
300ml milk
300ml double cream
4 garlic cloves, peeled and sliced
2 sprigs of fresh thyme, leaves removed
1 onion, finely diced
pinch of freshly grated nutmeg
⅓ cup parmesan cheese, freshly grated

Method
Preheat the oven to 160C.

Combine the milk and cream in a large saucepan, add the garlic, thyme and onion, and slowly cook over low heat. When it is about to reach boiling point, remove it from the heat, add the nutmeg and keep warm.

Thinly slice the potatoes and layer in a medium baking, slightly overlapping around the edges. Lightly season and repeat until half the potato is gone. Top with half the fragrant dairy mix, spreading out the chunks of garlic and herbs as you go.

Layer the rest of the potatoes, top with the rest of the cream/milk, scatter over the cheese and bake for an hour or so. Or until the potatoes are golden and tender.

Leave to stand for five/ten minutes before devouring.

 

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