English

Why can’t we be friends?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I’ve been very vocal about my hatred for Benedict Cumberbatch.

Very. Vocal.

Now I don’t want to get too far into our colourful history, but he worked with my frenemy Keira Knightley – multiple times – and took my role in 12 Years a Slave, but the final blow to our potential friendship was when he lent his name to a superior blog with superior recipes, a matter of weeks before our launch.

I mean, that Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch recipe is on point and My Name is Yeh is a beautiful blog that makes this little patch of cyberspace look even more amateurish … but how could he treat us with such disrespect?!

A vicious war was raged on our end and I vowed to end Benedict, rather unsuccessfully.

Then he was cast in a Marvel movie.

So yeah, things are very awkward between us but as a key player in Marvel Studios, I’ve decided to reach out to Benedick Cumberbitch Benedict, make amends and finally score myself a starring role in the MCU – maybe as a love interest for Star Lord, for instance. Obviously Deadpool would be ideal, but damn 20th Century Fox own the rights.

With that in mind, what says I half-heartedly want to make amends for the drama I’ve caused and to increase my standing with Marvel?

Picture source: Jordan Strauss / Invision / AP.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Jackie (Tom) Collins

Drink

It is was my pal Joanie’s birthday earlier in the week and it reminded me about the rapidly approaching anniversary of her sister, and my dear friend, Jacs’  death. It has been making me feel melancholic and left me unable to adequate celebrate for Jo-Jo, so instead of drowning my sorrows – my go to coping mechanism – I decided to whip out the time machine to say my goodbyes.

As you know, Jac kept her illness secret, even from her two closest confidantes – Joanie and myself – and we only found out a few weeks before she passed and sadly I didn’t make it over in time to say goodbye, which has haunted me ever since.

I first met Jac in the 40s, after working with her big sister in a production of A Doll’s House. Seeing my star turn as Nora Helmer, Jacs was inspired to follow in Joan’s footsteps and become an actress.

Despite a brief falling-out in the 60s when we had a simultaneous affair with Marlon Brando, Jacs and I have enjoyed a close bond, with my mentorship of her acting and later her mentorship of my erotic writing career (to be published, for some reason).

Wanting to get closure, I didn’t travel far back in time to just before her passing so that we could enjoy a last hurrah. While she was so close to the end, Jacs was still so full of life and was as witty and sharp as ever, which just warmed my heart to be able to see and know that she was ready.

As I said, I wasn’t going to drown my sorrows, so instead we joined together to toast a life well lived and a career full of scintillating writing over our drink of choice – a Jackie (Tom) Collins.

 

jackie-tom-collins-1

 

As great as it is to witness the Collins girls banter back and forward, I couldn’t risk Joanie throwing a drink in my face and wrestling me in a pool – as we are known to do – so I just kept it to the two of us.

But when you’ve got a raspberry and lemon, gin soaked delight – do you really need anything else (or to be soaked by pool water)?

Enjoy!

 

jackie-tom-collins-2

 

Jackie (Tom) Collins
Makes: 1.

Ingredients
ice cubes, to serve
raspberries
2 thin lemon slices, halved
30ml gin
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
chilled mineral water, to serve

Method
Place ice, a couple of raspberries and the slices of lemon in the base of your glass. Add the gin and lemon juice and top up with mineral water.

Swizzle and down. Simple and delicious.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Cookiki Dee

Baking, Dessert, Sweets

I’ve always said that once you’ve forced someone to administer at home, self-designed electroshock therapy, you truly are bonded for life. Keeks, obvs, being my case-in-point.

After meeting as part of Dusty’s entourage, Kiki took me in and my gratitude lead to 96.7% of her successes. We left the back-up singer scene as I groomed her for greatness by acting as her image consultant, coining her stage name, writing her songs and giving her extensive albeit un-required  vocal coaching (amongst many other tasks), leading to her signing by Motown records in the 70s.

Then Elton happened and they couldn’t break my heart, even if they tried.

At the time I was pioneering colonic procedures and Elton, who I had taken as a part-time lover / songwriting partner, after being hired to manage the percentage of sequin and sparkle on his clothing, was one of my first clients. Maybe he found a qualified technician and that caused our feud – who knows?

Either way, Elty begged me to introduce him to Keeks and allow him to take the male vocals of their hit duet Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart and, being cock whipped, did. Birthing the world’s greatest duet … behind Doll and Ken.

Keeks and I have lost touch a bit in the late 90s when I, and I’m sorry to say this, forgot she existed. Thankfully Singstar happened and we reconnected.

Keeks is thankfully doing great and is just as effervescent as she was when we first met – we even dueted on my roof top for my irate neighbours. At least we had some excess Cookiki Dees to throw out as a reward / use as weapons against any critics.

 

cookiki-dee-1

 

I have probably mentioned it before – and if I haven’t, I am very disappointed in myself – but I fucking love me some Milk Bar. It is somewhere that I would (and literally have) trudge through a blizzard to get to for a bagel bomb, cereal milk and crack pie. If you are within 50km – or whatever the equivalent in miles is – run, go there now and devour one of everything … EVERYTHING, in my honour.

As someone that worships at the altar of Christina Tosi and David Chang, I routinely try to emulate their creations with mediocre-at-best success to delicious success (see: Alexander Smarsbård Cake). These chocolate, pretzel and peanut delights, thankfully, fall toward the latter end of the spectrum; salty, milky and chewy … they are delicious.

And make me miss Elts – enjoy!

 

cookiki-dee-2

 

Cookiki Dee
Makes: 12-16.

Ingredients
225g unsalted butter, room temperature
1 ¼  cups raw caster sugar
⅔ cup packed muscovado sugar
1 large egg
½ tsp vanilla extract
1 ½ cups flour
1 ¼ tsp coarse salt
½ tsp baking powder
¼ tsp baking soda
⅔ cup mini chocolate chips
⅓ cup peanut butter chips
1 cup mini marshmallows

Pretzel peanut crunch
2 cups pretzels
1 cup peanuts, roughly chopped
⅓ cup milk powder
3 tbsp caster sugar
1 tsp coarse salt
130g butter, melted

Method
Preheat the oven to 135°C and get cracking on the crunch.

Place the pretzels in a medium bowl and crush with your hands until they are small 1cm-ish chunks, this is particularly great if you sit near a chatty Cathy, friendship-rapist at work and need to work through your rage.

Add the milk powder, sugar and salt and give a good toss to combine. Again, missing Elts right now. Stir through the butter until it comes together into crumbs.

Place cornflakes in a medium bowl. Using your hands, crush to one-quarter of their original size. Add peanuts, milk powder, sugar, and salt; toss to combine. Add butter and toss to form small clusters.

Spread the mixture in an even layer on a large, lined baking sheet and bake until the clusters are toasted, crisp and buttery, about 20 minutes. Remove from oven and leave to cool completely.

Once the clusters are cool, get to work creaming the butter and sugars in the large bowl of an electric mixer, using the paddle attachment, for about 3 minutes on medium-high speed. Scrape down the sides, add the egg and vanilla and return to medium-high speed for a further 8 minutes.

Yes, 8 … and it makes all the difference.

Once the butter is fluffy and glorious, turn the mixer off and add the flour, salt, bakings powder and soda. Remove the paddle and mix until it is combined enough not to go all over the kitchen.

Return the paddle to the mixer and turn on to the lowest setting, add the crunch, chocolate and peanut butter chips and marshmallows and mix until combined. About a minute.

Line a couple of large baking sheet with greaseproof paper. Using a ⅓ cup measuring … cup, portion the  dough out onto prepared baking sheet, leaving about 10cm between each dollop. Pat the top of the dough flat, wrap tightly with cling and refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Trust me from experience/the photos, do not bake the cookies from room temperature or they will not hold their shape and you carve them out of the pan. Still delicious, but not as sexy.

Preheat oven to 190°C.

Once the dough has netflixed and chilled, transfer to the oven and bake until puffed, cracked, spread and lightly browned on the edges, about 18 minutes … but keep watch anywhere after 10, ok?

Remove from the oven and leave to cool completely on baking sheets. If you can.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

The music in me

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

As you should know by now, I was once a dear friend of Elton’s … until he coined the term vile pig to describe me. We’ve now been viciously feuding for 20 years, give or take (I really should contact him to celebrate our anniversary soon).

Anyway, I’m not here to talk more about my ongoing feud – Kiki Dee is dropping by and I could not be happier!

I first met Keeks in the early 60s – fun off-topic fact, I convinced the creators of The O.C. to give Kirsten the nickname Kiki due to our bond, but I’ve digressed … but when don’t I.  We were both singing backing vocals for Dusty Springfield at the time.

Kiki could see that I was making poor choices (which rubbed off on Dusty), took me in and helped me detox, which at the time involved a lot of electroshock therapy which we did at home using a fork and power points. Sure it wasn’t safe, but the 60s hold my record for most days sober.

What says thanks for getting me on the straight-as-I-could-ever-be and narrow, more than orchestrating the majesty of Don’t Go Breaking My Heart?

Picture source: BBC.co.uk

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Dawn French Toast

Breakfast, Main

To be blunt, a TV comedy vicar is quite possibly the best person to go to for spiritual guidance and emotional sustenance.

The Meggstravaganza really takes a lot out of me, not even taking into account the post ritual peyote withdrawals I suffer. I really needed something to provide me with support and love, and thankfully Dawny is always up to act as my human bra. Both literally and figuratively.

She likes soft pecs, that’s for sure.

But I’ve digressed – it was such a thrill to see Dawn and recharge the batteries with such a close friend.

We gossiped over the upcoming Ab Fab movie  in which we both have cameos and my ongoing feud with Ruby Wax (she knows what she did and a saint like Dawn won’t change my mind – this girl is going to stay on top), before she begged me to pass on a script she had worked on to star in alongside Judi Dench.

While I told her I would, I am clearly going to doctor the script, re-write her role to be for me and pass it off as my own work before Judi’s deteriorating eyes never get a chance to see it.

I’ll write in a cameo for her though, as I am such a bloody delight.

We all know that Dawny has a very well publicised obsession/love for pasties and as much as I enjoy being antagonistic with my friends, I just couldn’t bring myself to make one based solely on carrots. Plus, they act like whoopee in my guts and that would just be a disgusting disaster … thus I went with her second favourite meal, my Dawn French Toast.

 

dawn-french-toast-1

 

This may come as a shock but sweet breakfasts aren’t really my thing, as who can go past bacon. Now I know that bacon goes well with sweet things, like French Toast, but I generally opt for haloumi and/or mushroom and/or (who am I kidding … they are all ands) hash browns.

Once again, I’ve digressed. Given that Dawn is one of my sweetest friends and she starred in an hilarious and underrated comedy named after a Marie Antoinette misquote that should have referenced brioche, I felt it was appropriate to dip my toe in the sweet breakfast pool and slather the fluffy, custardy bread in a good, hearty dollop of Cinnamonica Seles Apples.

Oh, and carrots … but I don’t think she actually noticed them. Enjoy!

 

dawn-french-toast-2

 

Dawn French Toast
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
2 eggs
⅓ cup cream
1 tsp vanilla essence
1 tbsp brown sugar
4-6 thick slices Briocher Bünsberg (but in loaf form, ok?)
30g butter

Method
Whisk the eggs, cream, vanilla and sugar together in a large, flat bowl.

Melt the butter in a large non-stick pan over medium heat until it is foamy and beautiful.

Dip the brioche into egg mixture, flip over and allow excess to dip off before placing into the hot pan. Cook for a minute or so, flip and cook for a further minute, or until golden and crisp.

Serve and slather with the condiments of your choosing, bacon and some maple is good … but the Cinnamonica Seles Apples are better.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

The Visit of Dibley

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

After a busy week focusing on the ritual to rebirth Meg Ryan’s career, I started to crave a religious experience and since I’ve been blacklisted from six niche religions I felt the smartest move would be to reach out to my dear friend, the Vicar of Dibley herself – Dawn French.

Obviously I met Frenchie in the 70s while attending the Central School of Speech and Drama with Jenny Saunds, obviously we became the best of friends (they are part of my European best friend trio – the British equivalent of Amy and Teens), obviously I inspired numerous of the characters they created on French & Saunders and obviously they have stood by during my countless scandals.

It has been a few years since last catching up with Frenchie. You see, Dawn had tried to assist me in rigging Australia’s Got Talent but when I realised that I actually had no talent that could transfer to TV, I orchestrated the show’s second axing. Feeling awkward, I’ve kept a low profile with Dawn, JIC she holds it against me.

Given some of the other things she has forgiven though, I doubt she will.

What says sorry I got AGT axed for a year resulting in you spending time with Timomatic for no real reason?

Also, what is a Timomatic?

Picture source: BBC.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Tim Rice Paper Rolls

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVI: Gold Interrupted, Side, Snack

After being reminded of my once close relationship with Elton – yep, you know we went there – I thought I would reach out to one of our favourite outside-the-boudoir collaborators, Tim Rice.

Yeah, I should have also won for Can You Feel the Love Tonight but Elton had my name struck from the record – maybe that is why our feud started?

My friendship with Timmy pre-dates Elty, having first met working as law clerks in London in the 60s. Our mutual love of music and my passion for theatrics, meant writing musicals was something we were born to do culminating in our first collab with David Gest’s doppelgänger ALW on Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat.

While I got into huge feud with ALW after he refused to focus on Doll’s coat over Joseph’s – our feud inspired the rivalry between Sheff and ALW in The Nanny – my close relationship with Tim was unbreakable and has lasted through all of my later feuds.

Timmy had far fewer aggressive opinions about this year’s Original Song nominees, wanting them all to win(!), but eventually caved to agree with me that Lady Gaga and Sam Smith are the absolute worst and have no place on the Oscars stage … and that Fifty Shades of Grey was a film full of nuance, that was understated, elegant and cerebral.

Needing to fuel such a spirited conversation (to help me firm up my bets), I opted for my Tim Rice Paper Rolls.

 

tim-rice-paper-rolls-1

 

Fresh, delicate and delicious – these rice paper rolls hit all the right notes without making you feel like death afterwards. I mean, Mac and Cheese is great but it is hard to focus on your gambling, on such a full stomach.

Good luck nominees – hopefully Gaga doesn’t rob someone more deserving again (K-Dunst forever)! How good would it be for The Weeknd to do something that his ex-future-father-in-law D-Bag Foster hasn’t been able to?!

Enjoy!

 

tim-rice-paper-rolls-2

 

Tim Rice Paper Rolls
Makes: 12.

Ingredients
500g chicken breast
1 lime, zested and juiced
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 tbsp olive oil
1 cup wombok, finely shredded
1 small red capsicum, thinly sliced
1 carrot, grated
2 shallots, sliced
1 lebanese cucumber, cut into matchsticks
¼ cup mint leaves
¼ cup crushed peanuts
1 tsp fish sauce
1 tbsp sweet chilli sauce, plus extra, to serve
12 rice paper rounds

Method
Heat the oil in a non-stick frying pan over medium heat. Add the chicken breast, cooking for five minutes on each side or until cooked through. Remove from the heat and mix the garlic and lime juice through the still hot pan and stand to until it is cool enough to handle, then shred the meat.

Place the shredded chicken, lime zest, wombok, capsicum, carrot, shallots, cucumber, mint, nuts fish sauce and sweet chilli sauce into a large bowl aka everything excluding the wrappers, and mix to combine.

To assemble the rice paper rolls, soak a sheet of rice paper in warm water for 30 seconds, until it softens.

Place the rice paper onto a flat surface and place about ⅓ cup of the mixture halfway between the bottom and the centre, then turn up the bottom of the wrapper to cover the filling. Holding the filling in place, fold in the two sides, then roll up. Repeat until you’re out of wrappers. Any leftover filling goes alright as a salad.

Devour slathered in sriracha, hoisin or soy.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Basil Gnudi Dench

Main

Dame Judi ‘J-dawg’ Dench is an absolute, deadset legend of a person and is, quite frankly, the best gambling partner a young chap could ask for.

After working through her rage of being egged in the late 60s, Jude worked on fulfilling her My Fair Laddy fantasy by turning me into an upstanding citizen who wore pants that covered his arse. Sadly my powers were too strong for her and we went through a reverse of the tale, where I systematically worked through making Jude as debaucherous, raucous and offensive as possible.

That is where her love of black-market gambling first came about.

While some may argue that the awards season are an excuse for famous people to either turn up to receive trophies from aging journalists and critics that want a good photo-op or for them to masturbate about their gripping performances, Judes and I are firmly of the belief that aside from being more important than Nobel prizes etc. they are a fantastic betting opportunity.

Yes, we will always be team Cate, Kate and Fassy – for obvious (NSFW) reasons, with the last one – we have to follow the money during awards season and spent most of our catch-up discussing the pros and cons of each nominee and whose bookie had the better odds.

Obviously we needed serious sustenance for such a consequential discussion, enter stage left my Basil Gnudi Dench.

 

basil-gnudi-dench-1

 

Gnudi is gnocchi’s easier to make cousin, being that you don’t have to bother with mashing any potatoes … because let’s be honest, you never leave the potatoes to cool long enough and end up with third degree burns when rolling them. Or is that just me?

Either way, they were perfect for our catch-up as nothing says illegal gambling quite like a delicate dish with fresh basil, tangy lemon and creamy cheese.

Enjoy!

 

basil-gnudi-dench-2

 

Basil Gnudi Dench
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 large bunches of basil, leaves picked
250g ricotta
125g grated parmesan
2 large eggs, plus 1 eggstra yolk
100g plain flour, plus a little extra
Semolina, for dusting
15g butter
1 lemon
2 tsp chilli flakes
30g grated pecorino, to serve

Method
Heat a pan over a low heat and add a splash of water with two-thirds of the basil leaves and heat until wilted. Remove from the heat and allow to cool, squeezing out any excess water.

Chuck the leaves in a blender with about a quarter of the ricotta and blitz to a purée. Empty into a large bowl and combine with the remaining ricotta, parmesan and eggs, and whisk vigorously, until light and fluffy.

Fold the flour into the ricotta mixture using a large, metal spoon until it is soft and moist. If it is too wet (nothing suss), add a bit more flour and relax. Trust your judgement.

Meanwhile, spread a layer of semolina over a baking tray and fill a piping bag with a 1.5cm opening with the ricotta mixture. Pipe long strips of the gnudi the length of the tray, leaving about a centimetre in between.

Dust the strips with a thick layer of semolina, cut them into 2–3cm pieces, making sure they are well coated in the flour. Cover the tray with cling film and pop it in the fridge for a few hours or ideally overnight, but who ever remembers to do that?

To cook your gnudi, remove the tray from the fridge and let it to come up to room temperature.

While nature is heating things up again, melt the butter in a pan over a low heat and the reserved basil leaves. Cook for 1–2 minutes, until the butter starts to foam and the leaves have crisped up. Finely grate in the zest of the lemon, add the chilli flakes and season well. Remove from the heat to rest.

Bring a large pan of salted water to the boil over a medium heat and gently place the gnudi into the pan. When they float to the surface, they’re cooked.

Drain the gnudi and gently toss in the chilli lemon basil butter. Divide between bowls and serve with grated pecorino with lemon halves on the side to squeeze over.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Notes on a scandalous friendship

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Awards season is now in full swing, with Giuliana desperately combing her scripts to avoid racially offensive jokes and Brad Goreski commandeering all loafers in the Southern Cali area while Gary attempts to make him witty. As such, it is well and truly time for me to start connecting with some of my fellow lauded friends.

FYI, I win an Academy Award in 2036.

The Baftas are this weekend, so I thought it best to make a quick jaunt across the pond and catch up with my dear friend, Academy Award winner and survivor of co-starring with Gwyneth, Dame Judi Dench.

I first met Judes in the late 60s where I suffered my first crushing rebuke at playing a highly sexualised version of the Emcee, in the original West End production of Cabaret. While I am sure constantly being pummeled by eggs when entering or exiting the theatre wasn’t fun, Judi was a good sport and took me under her wing and tried to teach me to tone down my sexuality.

While it clearly didn’t work, we’ve remained close for the last half century and are the first to be there for each other whenever there is a milestone to celebrate or an awards season to gossip about.

What is worthy of a Dame while we run the odds of the upcoming Academy Awards?

Picture source: Anthony Harvey / Getty Images.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Impossible Quiche Richards

Easter Meggstravaganza, Main

In amongst all the frivolity and grandeur that marking the torturous death of a religious figure brings upon us, Ben and I decided that for the good of humanity, and in line with our peyote induced visions, we would honour someone who, by divine intervention or other means, miraculously keeps on kicking.

Yes, Keith Richards is the perfect candidate for step four of our Meggstravaganza ritual.

A pal of ours since our days in the boys soprano trio (aka a barbershop quartet minus one) at Dartford Tech, Keith Richards was undeniably the talentless hack of the group. Ben and I had no choice but to force him out of the prestigious trio and lo and behold he landed directly in the arms of Mick Jagger.

Our relationship with Keith was rocky in the years that passed from the glory quartet-minus-one days. We comforted him after his survivor-esque fall from a coconut tree. We connected over the death of his father, and encouraged him to find comfort in the snorting of his ashes. Yet, he never truly forgave us for ruining the happiest days of his life at Dartford.

How is he still alive? In order to find out the secret to his longevity and give him the opportunity to piggyback off our resurgent fame and Meg’s soon-to-occur-comeback, we decided to invite Keith over for a hearty and nourishing, eggy dinner.

quiche 2

Our choice of meal was, like its namesake, a miracle of modern science – the Impossible Quiche Richards.

quiche 5

Impossible Quiche Richards
Serves: 6

Ingredients

6 eggs
300ml cream
½ cup self raising flour
¼ cup finely chopped chives
400g butternut pumpkin, diced into 1cm cubes
125g smoked ham, roughly chopped
½ cup green peas
1 ½  cups grated cheddar, divided

Method

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees celsius. Line a large baking tray with greased baking paper and roast diced pumpkin for 20 minutes or until tender and golden.

Whisk together eggs, cream, flour and one cup cheese and season to taste. In the bottom of a large quiche dish, scatter half the pumpkin, ham and peas. Pour over half of egg mixture and repeat with remaining dry ingredients and remaining egg mixture. Top with cheese.

Bake for 35-40 minutes until set and golden.