Singer

Céline Dijon Chicken

Main, Poultry

Oy Céline, the way you break my heart (serious Toni, unbreak it for me)!

It was the first time I’ve seen Céls since René’s funeral and the way she is powering through is just so inspirational. We had had a decade long estrangement in the lead up to his passing after I sold a story about them to the tabloids in 2001 but thankfully her kind heart knew that he deserved closure before his death and she reached out to help us clear the air and reconnect.

I first met Céline in the early 80s while competing against each other – and Bryan Adams, but that is another story for another time – in the 1982 Yamaha World Popular Song Festival. Against type, I never held her superior performance against her … because I knew that it was smarter to buckle in and ride her coattails to fame.

Thankfully Céllo recognised the  talent I possessed and we went on to enjoy a successful period of co-writing songs, culminating in her 1988 Eurovision Song Contest winning song Ne partez pas sans moi – if only my fellow Brisbane girl Dami had taken me up when I offered to write her song!

After winning such a prestigious competition, I went off to Hollywood to diversify my portfolio (to open up some options to snag my EGOT) while Céllo returned home to Canada to commence work on her first English language album. Obviously her album was a success, so when Jim asked if I knew of anyone that could sing vocals on my song for his film Titanic – oh yeah, I’m friends with Jim Cameron – I knew she was perfect!

Sadly she didn’t listen to my fashion advice on Oscar night … and James Horner had my name struck from the song’s credit!

Despite the fact that she is such a trooper, we stayed up most of the night – while the wind was so cold – talking while I helped her work through her grief, process all the turmoil that started her year and plan the next steps of her career.

Given how much we achieved together, you just know we had to have eaten something substantial, comforting and invigorating – yep, I made my famous Céline Dijon Chicken!

 

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As a good ole Quebec girl, Céline loves herself some delightfully French dijon (culminating in us snorting it together like a party drug in Tokyo in 82)! After the mustard started to wear away my septum, I knew I had to come up with a healthier way for us to indulge our addiction so I added in some chicken, brandy and mushrooms, and that mustard really started to sing.

Beautifully! Like Céline – enjoy!

 

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Céline Dijon Chicken
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
4 chicken breasts, with skin
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 onion, sliced
200g mushrooms, sliced
3 tbsp dijon mustard
1 tbsp fresh tarragon, chopped
500ml white wine
splash of brandy

Method
In a pan, heat a lug of olive oil in a large pan over high – when as hot as CD’s career, reduce heat to medium-low. Season the chicken breasts and fry, skin-side down, for about 5 or until golden and crisp. Turn over and seal the meat for a minute or two. Remove from the pan and leave to rest.

Sweat the garlic and onion to the pan and cook until soft. Add the mushrooms and fry until they are soft and silky. Stir in the mustard, tarragon, white wine and a splash of brandy, then reduce for 2 minutes.

Reduce heat to low, add the chicken, skin-side up, cover and simmer/steam for 10 minutes. Remove the lid and cook, uncovered, for a further 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the sauce is your desired consistency.

Slice the chicken and serve on a bed of fresh, creamy mash, lashings of the sauce and garnish with some fresh tarragon leaves.

Enjoy the new day that has come … in your mouth.

 

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In the flesh and the fantasy

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Near, far, wherever you are, gather round – do I have some exciting news for you!

Yep, my dear friend Céline Dion is coming back to me for dinner this week and I couldn’t be happier.

As you know, Céline had a very rough start to the year – sadly, I assume after a very feliz navidad – so I’m hoping that the power of love is enough to remind her that a new day has come.

What says the power of the dream brought you here so I can help make you happy?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

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LasEnya

Baking, Main, Pasta

It has been a rough decade not having Enya in my life. Kind of like being on the trains, in the winter rains … but emotionally, not literally. You know?

Picture it, Middle Earth 2001. I had just gotten Enya the job writing a song for the first Lord of My Ring (that’s what I thought it was called when I, helped, Peter Jackson to secure her job).

I was working my way through the Elfen extras to try and claim the Holy Grail of Orlando, watering my bloom. Long story short, I mistook Ens for an elf, she was upset I stopped when I realised it was her and was distraught that once again, I missed Orlando. Mud was slinged, words were said and I had my name removed from the co-writing credit and was robbed of another Oscar nomination.

Angry and hurt, I toured the most reputable and rational Hollywood publications PerezHilton and TMZ spewing vitriol and campaigning heavily against her winning the Oscar. It worked and sadly cost me our friendship.

Until she called.

You see, like me, Ens had tried to stay up-to-date on how the other was doing and lament the state of our friendship. Seeing my current success (and likely sensing the future plaudits and film adaptation she could score), Ens reached out to bury the hatchet and thankfully she was serious when she assured me it wouldn’t be in my back.

Ens is such an absolute doll and it breaks my heart that we fought so viciously for such a long time. She dropped over at the top of the morning yesterday and despite some initial awkwardness as we apologised and each took the sole blame for our issues while secretly blaming the other for all of them, it was like nothing had changed for the relationship we had in the 70s while I mentored her to success.

We gabbed and gabbed for hours, discussing our mutual disgust for Bono and our hope to collaborate on the melancholic, Opera adaptation of my future hit musical Little Whorephan Andy. Thankfully I had a huge batch of my LasEnya as we were worn out from all the planning!

 

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Lasagne is the ultimate comfort food – gooey cheese, rich sauce and a whack of herbs, it is life affirming, truly – and thankfully it is almost cold enough in Brisbane for me to pretend it is weather appropriate.

I mean, pasta? Amazing. Cheese? Even more amazing. Add in some pesto and hot damn you have a holy trinity of ingredients that instantly ends all feuds AND is a lovely shade of green for some cultural celebration.

Enjoy!

 

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LasEnya
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
handful button mushrooms, finely sliced
1 onion, roughly diced
1 zucchini, grated
1 carrot, grated
1 stalk celery, finely sliced
3 garlic cloves, crushed
500g lean beef mince
700g bottle tomato passata
2 cups beef stock
250g dried instant lasagne sheets
1 ½ cup grated mozzarella
250g tub smooth ricotta
300ml thickened cream
2 eggs, lightly beaten
¼ cup Toni Basil pesto
fresh basil leaves, to garnish

Method
Heat the oil in a large pan over medium heat and cook the mushrooms, onion, zucchini, carrot, celery and garlic until very soft, about 10 minutes. Add the mince and break up with the back of a wooden spoon, as it browns. Stir in the stock, passata and a good whack of salt and pepper, bring to the boil and then reduce the heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes and starting to thicken.

Preheat oven to 160°C.

Spread 1 ½ cups of the mince mixture over the base of a deep 22x30cm baking dish. Top with ¼ of the lasagne sheets. Top with ⅓ of the remaining meat mixture and ⅓ mozzarella. Repeat layers twice more aka the remaining ⅔ of each, finishing with a layer of lasagne sheets.

Whisk the ricotta, cream, eggs and pesto together in a bowl, season and pour mixture over the lasagne.

Now this is important and I would normally completely ignore this step, but don’t be like me, be a winner; cover the baking dish with tented foil. Tented? You want the foil to cover the dish, but not come into direct contact with it and leave you with a deliciously crisped piece of foil cheese and a mutilated lasagne … but anyway.

Bake for 40 minutes. Un-tent and bake for a further 10 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Stand for 10 minutes and then serve. Again, don’t be a Ben – allow it to stand. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

 

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Sail Away

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Call it the luck of the irish but Enya has finally reached out to end our long simmering feud. I won’t go into too many details at the moment, mainly because I was completely at fault, but I am so thankful that she can see I’m the pot of gold at the end of her rainbow.

Honestly, I’m not even trying to make that sexual.

I first met Enya after bamboozling her parents into hiring me as a beer wench – my chosen job title, not theirs – at their pub in the mid 70s.

Having a keen eye for talent … that I can ride the coat-tails of, I was immediately drawn to Ens and played an integral part in her successes.

What says I (guess I) am sorry for the trauma I caused and I want the pain you feel to just sail away?

Sail away.

Sail away.

Picture source: Unknown.

 

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Cookiki Dee

Baking, Dessert, Sweets

I’ve always said that once you’ve forced someone to administer at home, self-designed electroshock therapy, you truly are bonded for life. Keeks, obvs, being my case-in-point.

After meeting as part of Dusty’s entourage, Kiki took me in and my gratitude lead to 96.7% of her successes. We left the back-up singer scene as I groomed her for greatness by acting as her image consultant, coining her stage name, writing her songs and giving her extensive albeit un-required  vocal coaching (amongst many other tasks), leading to her signing by Motown records in the 70s.

Then Elton happened and they couldn’t break my heart, even if they tried.

At the time I was pioneering colonic procedures and Elton, who I had taken as a part-time lover / songwriting partner, after being hired to manage the percentage of sequin and sparkle on his clothing, was one of my first clients. Maybe he found a qualified technician and that caused our feud – who knows?

Either way, Elty begged me to introduce him to Keeks and allow him to take the male vocals of their hit duet Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart and, being cock whipped, did. Birthing the world’s greatest duet … behind Doll and Ken.

Keeks and I have lost touch a bit in the late 90s when I, and I’m sorry to say this, forgot she existed. Thankfully Singstar happened and we reconnected.

Keeks is thankfully doing great and is just as effervescent as she was when we first met – we even dueted on my roof top for my irate neighbours. At least we had some excess Cookiki Dees to throw out as a reward / use as weapons against any critics.

 

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I have probably mentioned it before – and if I haven’t, I am very disappointed in myself – but I fucking love me some Milk Bar. It is somewhere that I would (and literally have) trudge through a blizzard to get to for a bagel bomb, cereal milk and crack pie. If you are within 50km – or whatever the equivalent in miles is – run, go there now and devour one of everything … EVERYTHING, in my honour.

As someone that worships at the altar of Christina Tosi and David Chang, I routinely try to emulate their creations with mediocre-at-best success to delicious success (see: Alexander Smarsbård Cake). These chocolate, pretzel and peanut delights, thankfully, fall toward the latter end of the spectrum; salty, milky and chewy … they are delicious.

And make me miss Elts – enjoy!

 

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Cookiki Dee
Makes: 12-16.

Ingredients
225g unsalted butter, room temperature
1 ¼  cups raw caster sugar
⅔ cup packed muscovado sugar
1 large egg
½ tsp vanilla extract
1 ½ cups flour
1 ¼ tsp coarse salt
½ tsp baking powder
¼ tsp baking soda
⅔ cup mini chocolate chips
⅓ cup peanut butter chips
1 cup mini marshmallows

Pretzel peanut crunch
2 cups pretzels
1 cup peanuts, roughly chopped
⅓ cup milk powder
3 tbsp caster sugar
1 tsp coarse salt
130g butter, melted

Method
Preheat the oven to 135°C and get cracking on the crunch.

Place the pretzels in a medium bowl and crush with your hands until they are small 1cm-ish chunks, this is particularly great if you sit near a chatty Cathy, friendship-rapist at work and need to work through your rage.

Add the milk powder, sugar and salt and give a good toss to combine. Again, missing Elts right now. Stir through the butter until it comes together into crumbs.

Place cornflakes in a medium bowl. Using your hands, crush to one-quarter of their original size. Add peanuts, milk powder, sugar, and salt; toss to combine. Add butter and toss to form small clusters.

Spread the mixture in an even layer on a large, lined baking sheet and bake until the clusters are toasted, crisp and buttery, about 20 minutes. Remove from oven and leave to cool completely.

Once the clusters are cool, get to work creaming the butter and sugars in the large bowl of an electric mixer, using the paddle attachment, for about 3 minutes on medium-high speed. Scrape down the sides, add the egg and vanilla and return to medium-high speed for a further 8 minutes.

Yes, 8 … and it makes all the difference.

Once the butter is fluffy and glorious, turn the mixer off and add the flour, salt, bakings powder and soda. Remove the paddle and mix until it is combined enough not to go all over the kitchen.

Return the paddle to the mixer and turn on to the lowest setting, add the crunch, chocolate and peanut butter chips and marshmallows and mix until combined. About a minute.

Line a couple of large baking sheet with greaseproof paper. Using a ⅓ cup measuring … cup, portion the  dough out onto prepared baking sheet, leaving about 10cm between each dollop. Pat the top of the dough flat, wrap tightly with cling and refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Trust me from experience/the photos, do not bake the cookies from room temperature or they will not hold their shape and you carve them out of the pan. Still delicious, but not as sexy.

Preheat oven to 190°C.

Once the dough has netflixed and chilled, transfer to the oven and bake until puffed, cracked, spread and lightly browned on the edges, about 18 minutes … but keep watch anywhere after 10, ok?

Remove from the oven and leave to cool completely on baking sheets. If you can.

 

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The music in me

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

As you should know by now, I was once a dear friend of Elton’s … until he coined the term vile pig to describe me. We’ve now been viciously feuding for 20 years, give or take (I really should contact him to celebrate our anniversary soon).

Anyway, I’m not here to talk more about my ongoing feud – Kiki Dee is dropping by and I could not be happier!

I first met Keeks in the early 60s – fun off-topic fact, I convinced the creators of The O.C. to give Kirsten the nickname Kiki due to our bond, but I’ve digressed … but when don’t I.  We were both singing backing vocals for Dusty Springfield at the time.

Kiki could see that I was making poor choices (which rubbed off on Dusty), took me in and helped me detox, which at the time involved a lot of electroshock therapy which we did at home using a fork and power points. Sure it wasn’t safe, but the 60s hold my record for most days sober.

What says thanks for getting me on the straight-as-I-could-ever-be and narrow, more than orchestrating the majesty of Don’t Go Breaking My Heart?

Picture source: BBC.co.uk

 

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Lemon Kurd Cobain

12th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza, Condiment, Dessert, Easter Meggstravaganza, Snack, Sweets

Let me tell you, when the lights were off I entertained Kurt Cobain … but that isn’t the point of today’s catch-up. It was all about Meggy.

As you’ve probably figured out thanks to basic deduction and the process of elimination, Kurty is this year’s hero in the meggstravaganza process and I’m hoping through the power of my time machine, he is able to give a posthumous-yet-still-alive-in-the-past boost to Meg’s career.

Kind of like how I brought him back to life, technically, through the use of my scientific brilliance.

It would come as no surprise to anyone, that I enjoyed (and still do with the latter) a very close friendship with Kurt and Courtney in the late 80s and 90s. Fun fact: I actually introduced the two after meeting Courtney in the gay clubs of Portland where I was turning tricks at the time. While in the later years of his life we shared an addiction to heroin, our friendship, first and foremost was built on trust, unconditional love and a passion for ELO.

As is the case with a lot of my friends, I ended up being Nirvana’s chief muses most famously inspiring Smells Like Teen Spirit with a love-letter I wrote to Kurt when I misunderstood his kindness.

Using the time machine to catch-up with my deceased friends is always bittersweet, but being able to see Kurt and Courtney at their happiest while she was pregnant with little Frances Bean was a true joy. Kurt was a bit confused as to why I was reviving Meg’s career, given that it was at her height in the early 90s and he assumed she would stay at the top of the A-list, but was very happy to be able to help out.

Proving, once again, why the reluctant voice of a generation is my hero.

After delicately explaining the situation with her poor 00s choices, I needed something nice and sweet to avoid any awkward butterfly effects from my stint in the past. Although I did attempt to thwart the future release of the abhorrently awful The Butterfly Effect. Thankfully I had a batch of my Lemon Kurd Cobain on hand to bring the fun!

 

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Lemon curd is quite possibly one of my favourite things, particularly when it is super tart and added to a pie. I was concerned about how meringue would hold up in the time-travel, so had to stick with eating it straight out of the jar with a spoon. And slathered on bread … but sadly not our bodies. Once again, I ruined my chance of forming a Love-Judd-Cobain throuple.

Enjoy!

 

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Lemon Kurd Cobain
Makes: About 2 cups.

Ingredients
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp finely grated lemon zest
⅔ cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
8 large egg yolks
¼ tsp maldon salt
140g unsalted butter, diced into 1-2cm cubes

Method
Whisk together, sugar, zest, juice, yolks and salt in a medium saucepan. Place over medium heat and stir constantly until it thickens and can coat the back of a spoon. A couple of minutes.

Remove from heat and add butter, piece by piece, stirring well after each addition until melted, combined, smooth and thickened.

Pour curd through a fine sieve into a jar and cover with cling wrap directly on the top to avoid a skin forming. Refridgerate until cool before devouring.

 

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Axl Rosewater Meringues

12th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza, Dessert, Easter Meggstravaganza, Snack, Sweets

As I’ve said, step two is always one of the trickiest aspects to complete of the Meggstravaganza. I mean, no want wants to be classed a struggling musician … unless they are like pre-Usher Bieber. When you’ve enjoyed a successful career however, struggling is quite a down-grade.

Thankfully my dear friend Axl Rose doesn’t let his pride get in the way of helping to reignite careers. Particularly those of the star of his three favourite movies, You’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle and *cringe* The Women.

I first met Axl in the 80s outside The Troubadour in West Hollywood. I was turning tricks, trying to net myself a musician lover to fund my addiction and my adicktion. While Axl wasn’t interested, he loved my rock and roll attitude and we quickly became friends with me playing an integral part in the ‘85 merger that formed Guns N’ Roses.

We grew apart while I was away in prison and running scams, but I always played an integral part in inspiring the group acting as the Chief Groupie Advisor and muse.

As I said, Axl is a huge Meg fan and was very eager to get into the ritual arriving with a bandana/headress hybrid, some peyote and various useful percussion instruments. Maybe I should have mentioned a KitchenAid Mixer and a dry bowl was all I really needed to make the egg-white sacrifice known as my Axl Rosewater Meringues.

 

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Crusty bakery meringues in the 90s turned me off the treat, until I realised they weren’t meant to have the texture of asbestos powder with similar health benefits.

These little treats are sweet, crusty, gooey and everything you want out of a good meringue. Now with pistachios!

I’m off to the hen house to pick up some more eggs before my TV star friend drops by – enjoy!

 

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Axl Rosewater Meringues
Serves: 8-12.

Ingredients
600g caster sugar
300g egg whites
2 tsp rosewater
Finely chopped pistachios, to garnish

Method
Preheat oven to 110°C.

Place sugar in a small pan over medium-low heat and cook until it starts to dissolve. When it reaches 115°C on a thermometer, place the egg whites in a large mixing bowl and whisk on high speed until the whites just begin to foam like an OD outside the Viper Room in the 80s … aka around a minute.

When the syrup reaches 121°C turn off the heat, increase the mixer to high and with motor running, gradually pour the syrup into meringue. Reduce the speed to medium and continue to beat until cooled to room temperature and thick and glossy.

This takes about 15 minutes, be patient. You want to be hypnotised by its beauty, like Skarsky peen-scene.

Line two trays with baking paper. Use two spoons, shape the meringues into generous, rough quenelles. You can make these as large or as small as you like, Axl for instance loves my little friendship-kisses sized domes, other lovers friends like them realround, thick and juicy. The only three second rule I have is to space them well apart to allow for the growth as they get hard and hot.

Sprinkle meringues with the chopped pistachios and leave to bake for about 2 hours, or until set – firm on the outside and just soft in the centre.

Remove from oven and allow to cool. Devour.

 

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Andy Sambergers

Main, Party Food, Snack

Given the fact we both have dark, curly hair and well, that is it (but hey, it was enough to get me the job as his body-double), my torrid love affair with Andy Samberg is the closest I’ve ever come to twincest but that isn’t the greatest thing our love bore – Dick in a Box.

Originally co-written as a celebratory post-coital jam Dick in a Box, in the previous timeline, would have gone on to be a gay anthem that we likely would have submitted to Eurovision to be sung by Engelbert Humperdinck in the UK. Instead, I had to give up our love affair when travelling back in time but knew that the world needed that song so dropped hints for Andy to include a different version during his time on SNL.

While Andy sometimes doesn’t believe our past affair in the alternate timeline, we have always been close friends and collaborators with him insisting my personality inspired the best aspects of both Jake Peralta and Gina Linetti on his current hit show, Brooklyn Nine Nine.

Being close friends with his wife in this timeline (I taught her harp and encouraged Melbourne to use her song for their infamous ad), I always try and catch up with the first couple I ever married when I get the chance. Don’t tell them I’m not actually allowed to officiate marriages, I wanted to keep my options with Andy open …

Sadly Jo was out of town – how strange that Andy forgot to mention that tidbit – so it was just a good old fashioned sausage fest. While our ideas of a good old fashioned sausage fest differ greatly, I was able to whip up a batch of my Andy Sambergers to get us off for us to enjoy.

 

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Sweet, soft round buns with a thick piece of hot, spicy meat covered in a nice creamy load of bernaise, you’d be forgiven for thinking we were in the OG timeline but with onions.

I would explain to you the laws of our time-travel but I need to go cool myself down – enjoy!

 

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Andy Sambergers
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
750g good quality beef mince
1 cup flat-leaf parsley, chopped
2 tbsp capers
1 tbsp hot pickled peppers, chopped
2 cloves garlic
salt
black pepper
3 large onions, sliced
3 tbsp butter
dijon mustard
Briocher Bünsberg
Tomatoni Braxton Relish
Bernadaise Peters

Method
Place parsley, capers, peppers and garlic in a food processor and blitz to create a rough paste. Add to a large bowl with the beef mince and a good whack of salt and pepper. Mix together and form into 6-8 evenly sized patties, place on a plate lined with cling, cover and refrigerate for an hour or so.

While they are sitting in their juices and becoming delightful, get to work on the onions. Place a medium saucepan over low heat and melt butter until it starts to foam before adding the onions. Cook slowly until soft, caramelised and sweet … or about half an hour. Turn off, cover and leave to rest.

Once the onions are sweet and glorious, heat a large griddle over high heat. When it is nice and hot, toast the halved buns and remove to serving plates. Reduce the temperature to low and brush with oil before added all of the patties. Cook for a few minutes either side until they’re at the desired ‘doneness’, making sure you only flip them once.

Now to get building, smear some dijon on the top of the bun and spread a generous dollop of relish on the bottom. Top with some caramelised onion, then the patty and top with some fresh Bernie.

Lucky I’d conveniently caught up with the whole gang recently!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Brooklyn Nine-Fine

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

What the what are we doing posting our week’s schedule a day late, you ask?!

For those who may have been living under a rock, yesterday was the most wonderful day of the year, Oscar Day, and as such, I was muy muy busy, co-hosting the red carpet for E, Bravo, ABC, Retirement Living and four other networks while attending as a major Hollywood A-lister’s date, seat-filling AND live blogging the whole thing for you, and was unable to post this week’s tease as planned.

Never fear! I am back to work with a killer hangover to let you know that I am catching up with my dear friend Andy Samberg before I jet back to Australia.

I first connected with Andy in the early teenies when I was doing a lot of work as a body double, on account of my low-esteem and desire to be adored in place of famous people. During this time an up and comer called Andy Samberg crossed the ditch to headline a series called Cuckoo and a beautiful friendship began.

Through the use of time-travel, I went back to 2005 and gave him pointers to avoid pissing off Lorne Michaels at the SNL auditions and thus, this timeline was born and I saved him from a failed career and savage cocaine addiction. See, I’m not that horrible! I do make positive contributions to society!

What says how do we fix the egregious striking of you name from last year’s Best Original Song nominee, Everything is Awesome?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.