Schmearus Holmes

Breakfast, Condiment, Snack, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Return of the Outcasts, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa with Tania gone, the target on Pinty’s back was briefly reduced. Though given she continued to upset people on her tribe, it quickly grew back bigger than ever. After Yontau lost another immunity challenge, it looked like the tribe were going to send her from the game. That is until Phil and Dino hatched a plan to blindside Tevin from the game for being too powerful. Oh and to make Pinty feel super loyal to them. They went person to person until they had enough numbers, leaving Seamus, Shona and Killarney on the outs as Tevin exited the game.

The next day Seamus was disappointed to find himself on the outs with his tribe, despite not really caring that his buddy Tevin left. To try and fix things, he approached Dino to clear the air and see why he was left out. Dino admitted to us that he never knew where he stood with Seamus, though he apologised to him and said they can work together moving forward. Phil meanwhile was thrilled by how everything went down, glad to have built trust with a majority AND have Pinty’s undying loyalty. Shona meanwhile was also feeling disappointed, worried that once again her tribe was underestimating her. Though she assured us it would be at their peril. And well, werk Queen Shona.

Over at Masu Dante was busy removing the symbols from the trees as they all anticipated a swap. He then moved over to Toni and assured her that he is always willing to work with her and come swap, he wants her to know he can be trusted.

The tribes met up with Nico for the next reward challenge where they were gagged to remain on their OG tribes. Anyway, one person would sit in a crate and be wheeled and carried through an obstacle course by the rest of the tribe before solving a puzzle at the end. First tribe to finish getting to spin a wheel to decide their reward. Despite a slower start, Dino’s untying – with burnt hands, no less – got Yontau out to an early lead. Finishing in a blow-out, despite a late-breaking burst from Meryl on Masu, as once again they struggled to work as a team. After spinning the wheel Yontau were less than thrilled to discover they won a bag of lentils. They were thrilled, however, to get the chance to invite two people from Masu to join them, who will also get a chance to spin the wheel. And just like that, Toni and Tejan locked in mac and cheese for them. Well Toni, but Tejan got to go for the trip too so let’s give him some credit.

Back at camp Marian, Dante and Steffi worried about how much shit Toni will talk about while on the reward. Palesa meanwhile was busy working her way back in with her tribemates, speculating who was the biggest threat on the other tribe, with Dante identifying Dino and boy was he laser focused on getting him out ASAP! Speaking of Dino, he and the Yontau tribe were joyously smashing their mac and cheese as Toni warned everyone about how threatening Dante is. Particularly for the men. And while she was running her mouth, poor Tejan just looked on, worried about how to navigate her mouth moving forward.

They returned to the Masu camp with Toni feeling the welcome was frosty and therefore chose to hold back sharing most of the information. And sadly for her, everyone knew it. As such, Shane went for a walk with Tejan, where he admitted how much information Toni gave the rival tribe and he was now willing to join the rest of the tribe to vote her out.

The next day Seamus was still busy making new friends to take control over at Yontau, doing some yoga with Killarney. While she wanted to work with Dino, Seamus suggested he was only wanting to protect the strong men to help him come merge. And while she was open to all plans, she ultimately just wanted to stick with the numbers until after the merge. Seamus then tried his luck with Shona where things went far more poorly, as she didn’t buy anything he was saying and as such, was ready to turn on him instead. Over at Masu, Steffi and Marian continued to bond, with Steffi going so far as to share the fact she found the hidden immunity idol.

Zaddy Nico made his triumphant return for the immunity challenge where the tribes would have to solve a puzzle to release a key, unlock a gate and climb through some obstacles before solving another, giant slide puzzle. While Masu generally struggles with the challenges where they have to work together, they managed to get out to an early lead. Well, until Yontau caught up at the final puzzle as Masu struggled to listen to one person. While Yontau started to pull ahead, Masu managed to get things together, overtake them and secure immunity once again.

Back at camp Shona quickly got to work scrambling, approaching Phil to float the idea of getting rid of Seamus before he could turn things on Dino. Killarney soon joined them and the trio locked in the vote, but Killarney was quite confused so it could get cooked like Cara before her. Seamus meanwhile was busy approaching Pinty about getting rid of Dino, worrying that a swap is imminent and not wanting to face off against him during a puzzle challenge. After locking in Pinty, he approached Thoriso to join what he felt was their final number. Thoriso meanwhile was not keen, immediately approaching Pinty about getting rid of Seamus too. Much to her absolute delight.

Unaware everyone else was already down to get rid of Seamus, Shona approached Dino to fill him in on everything that had been going on around camp. And while Dino had wanted to protect Seamus in the game, he was happy to pivot and turn on him instead. With him quickly looping in Felix, as he delighted in everyone working for him and essentially doing his dirty work. Oh and he was going to throw a vote on Killarney JIC Seamus had an idol.

At tribal council Shona spoke about the tribe generally being unified, despite being left out of the loop on the last vote. Phil agreed that while that will happen, the tribe collectively wanted to get as many people to merge and that is unwavering. Thoriso stopped Nico from pulling apart the argument, saying that unity is about sticking together in the face of differences and not a sign of any larger problem. Like a damn boss. Killarney explained how the votes have been based on a number of reasons, while Dino just wanted to play the game without being malicious and always wanted to be fun and friendly. While Seamus said it would be silly to trust everyone, though he was trying not to be paranoid and trust is all about taking a leap of faith. Which Felix agreed with.

With that the tribe voted and poor Seamus found he lept in the wrong direction, as the tribe banded together to boot him from the game. While Seamus spoke about the trauma of being voted out first in the Philippines, it forced him out of his shell and to address things that were bothering him. And that introspection, led to him being an absolute delight this go around and while I was sad to see him go so soon, I am proud about how he had grown. Which is word-for-word what I told him as we smashed Schmearus Holmes in Loser Lodge.

Yeah yeah, bagels and cream cheese are a match made in heaven. But if you really want to elevate your breakfast experience, a good schmear is where it’s at. And this one is glorious. Salty bacon, sweet shallots and a hint of paprika work together to start your day right.

Enjoy!

Schmearus Holmes
Serves: 1 person with a spoon, TBH.

Ingredients
100g bacon, diced
250g cream cheese, softened 
4 spring onions, finely sliced
1 tsp paprika
salt and pepper, taste

Method
Place a frying pan over medium heat and cook the bacon for a few minutes, or until crisp. Remove and drain on a paper towel until cool.

Once chill, combine everything in a bowl – less salt, more pepper is my advise – or using the paddle attachment in a stand mixer if you’re feeling lazy. Transfer to a serving bowl and leave to chill for half an hour or so before schmearing on a bagel. Or devouring with a spoon. Because it is good.


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Janey Ducké Dumplings

Main, RuPaul's Drag Race: UK vs the World, RuPaul's Drag Race: UK vs the World 1, Snack, Street Food, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race: UK vs the World, the top six were finally tasked with playing Snatch Game. Now, in a Family Feud format! While Ru encouraged her to go with the riskier character, Janey missed the opportunity and shrunk away. Pangina meanwhile gave a full Mariah illusion, though wasn’t very funny. Though that be because she was on a panel with Juju giving the most demented Cher ever and Baga who gave an acting masterclass as Kathy Bates in Misery. She ultimately landed in the top with Blu, who gave a hilarious one-two Mike Myers punch before she won her first ever solo challenge after demolishing the lip sync. Then things took a hard pivot as she went full Naomi Smalls, eliminating Pangina who then sobbed with heartache. While Blu was literally shaking with shock based on her actions.

Backstage the dolls were well and truly shell shocked about Pangina’s elimination and her reaction to it, while Blu apologised and admitted even she didn’t think it would go like that. While Blu worried about whether she will have a career ever again, Mo encouraged her that she will and people will move on since it is a game, after all. While Baga meanwhile was focused on wanting some of Pangina’s outfit, with Mo joking she won’t fit into it.

The dolls sat down to kiki and congratulated both the girls on their lip sync before Juju questioned why Blu did what she did, with her admitting that she voted Pangina for being the biggest competition. Since that is what she did with Jimbo, and her now being a winner left her at risk should Pangina win another challenge. Baga then gagged the dolls with the news that she was also going to get rid of Pangina, with her motive being like Scream 2’s Mrs Loomis, good old fashioned revenge. As Mo and Blu caught up, Mo admitted that she would probably have done the same thing if she was in the top. And assured her that she will still be honouring their alliance should she make it to the top this week.

The girls had processed their trauma the next day with Blu proudly reminding the girls it was her first solo win ever. While Juju assured them that while Thailand would have been rooting for Pangina and they will be super disappointed, they still have a sister in Pangina. While Blu admitted that being a little villainous was quite fun and she didn’t really feel bad anymore. Talk turned to whether the final five is what everyone was expecting with Mo admitting that she is not surprised she is there, though is still shocked Janey made it past day one. Oh and promised them that it is finally time for the US girls to shine.

Ru dropped by to announce this week’s Maxi Challenge, where the dolls would rework Ru’s song Living My Life (in London), putting a spin on the verse in honour of their hometowns. And after writing their verses, will join Little Mix’s Jade Thriwall to record their songs. And then choreograph a routine and perform it on the mainstage.

The dolls sat down to talk about their towns with Juju doing Boston while Baga will focus on Soho. And then did a Toni Braxton impersonation, which was a vibe. Mo then suggested that to decide the order of verses, they should go alphabetically meaning Baga goes first, Blu next, followed by Janey, Juju and then Mo. Which Juju correctly identified as a smart move, given it guaranteed Mo could be the closer to the end and leave a lasting impression with the judges. They moved on to writing their lyrics with Mo going the heart route about growing up poor and seeing the world thanks to Ru, while the girls dragged Juju for her lyrics. Which I thought were good?

When it came time to record their verse with Jade Thirwell, Baga was praised for being 100% her and absolutely knocking it out of the park. Blu continued to feel her oats for eliminating Pangina, and was solid in her record while poor Janey admitted she is not the strongest singer. But bless her, she tried. To quote Coco, find a key girl. As Jujubee was busy knocking it out of the park, Janey was whispering with her sisters, worried about how bad she was while sweet Mo just encouraged her to do some sick choreography.

Oh and trust and believe, Mo was also near perfection.

The group moved on to choreographing their performance with Mo terrified by the very different skill levels amongst her sisters. As such, she took control and told Janey she could do the end and she’d take the start. But while both of the dolls were trying to keep things simple, Baga already looked like she was ready to throw up. Until Blu asked when she would be contributing to the moves, leading to Juju suggesting they invent the Baga Chipz, much betta, move to help out. Poor Juju tried to get Mo and Janey to simplify the choreo, but given they only managed one verse in rehearsal, this is either going to be one big mess or a glorious triumph, and this is all a fake out.

Elimination Day arrived with Baga exhausted after a night working through the choreography before she and Juju caught up, with Baga admitting that Drag Race saved her life because she was an alcoholic before cutting back when on the show. When she admitted to drinking litres of gin a day, Juju noticed a lot of parallels in their journeys. Baga admitted that she can still have a drink but no longer considers herself an alcoholic while Juju opened up about needing to be completely sober. She explained that sobriety changed her entire life, leading to her leaving a 13 year relationship and completely changing her life for the better. And is this the beginning of Juju winner’s edit?

Yeah, yeah – insert the butterfly meme. I’m desperate for her to become Drag Race’s Boston Rob. I mean, she is from Boston after all.

Blu meanwhile was opening up about how much she loves her hometown despite how conservative it is, with Janey opening up about also growing up in a very conservative village and her parents sending her to school in Amsterdam to let her live freely. Because as she said, she was a very, very gay child. Which, relatable. Mo opened up about her very religious upbringing, conversion therapy and even a stint as a Minister. She spoke about how they are all constantly taught to be ashamed, before reminding all of them and us, that we are enough. And ugh, I love them all. 

Ru, Michelle – fresh from Party City, where she belongs – and Graham were joined on the judges panel by Jade Thirwell for the premiere of the Living My Life (In London) rumix. And damn, they were good. Even with Baga’s old lady dancing. The engineer did wonders with Janey’s record, Baga was fun, Blu was feisty but as predicted, this was truly the US girls time to shine. Juju was pitch perfect and looked absolutely stunning while Mo was spitting fire and giving absolute rockstar vibes.

On the Work of Art runway, Baga Chipz looked cute as Vincent Van Gough’s sunflowers but in a plot. Blu was perfection as a Picasso, Janey was Warhol’s Marilyn brought to life, and was stunning from head to toe. Juju looked gorgeous in a nude gown, channelling a stunning Miami art deco building, geddit. While Mo stole the show as a Dali rose and bleeding heart.

Baga received praise for bringing herself to the performance despite her lack of ability and for giving a glammed up version of a Baga look on the runway. Blu was praised for taking the shot at Pangina by Michelle while everyone loved her performance but felt her runway was a bit overwhelming. Ru then questioned Blu’s decision, who doubled down on only doing what Pangina did the week before which Ru congratulated her on. Janey was then read for blending into the background throughout the performance despite looking like a star. Both in the challenge and especially on the runway. Juju was praised for completely arriving, knocking the challenge out of the park and looking like perfection both times. Despite Graham not appreciating the art deco vibes on the runway. And well, the judges all lived for everything Mo did this week because she is a star. And her runway is just beautiful.

Ultimately and very deservedly, Juju and Mo were named the top two queens, meaning the remaining girls were all up for elimination. Backstage the dolls grabbed their drinks and toasted to Mo and Juju finally jagging a win, with Mo opening up about how good it feels to get that well earned praise. She then admitted it feels like a tougher choice than last week, given Mo would have totally cut Pangina if she survived. Baga asked about their judging criteria with neither being sure, making Blu nervous her alliance with Mo won’t stand. And she was worried about skiddies.

Mo pulled Baga aside with the latter telling her how much she loves Mo and wants to compete against her, quickly charming Mo into saving her. Blu meanwhile reminded Juju that she wasn’t the weakest in the challenge and as such she should be saved, using Juju’s criteria for Blu saving her the week before, against her. While she admitted Pangina’s wails are playing on a loop in her head and as such, she was tempted to take out a threat. Janey assured Mo she wants to be here and she feels she has grown throughout the competition and been given the opportunity to succeed. Baga assured Juju she wouldn’t be sending her home if the tables were turned before suggesting Juju should just eliminate her, given everyone did well and deserves to be there. With Juju admitting she knows what Baga is doing by downplaying herself as a threat. But isn’t even mad. Mo assured Blu their alliance stands while Janey and Juju spoke about the fact Janey had pulled her lip stick once but also saved her the time earlier.

Mo and Juju took their places on the mainstage, assuring us we were in for a show and well, a show they did give us. As soon as Toy by Netta kicked off, both of them gave it their all. Juju was cute and demented, Mo was all energy and fierce and well, it was definitely a fight. Ultimately though it was Juju who finally jagged her second win of the franchise, before she tearfully eliminated the iconic Janey Jacké.

Given Janey is just iconic and totally down to earth, she was totally fine with her elimination, accepting that she did the worst in the challenge. That being said, it is easier to feel zen when you know you were one of the three people to dominate the season, none of which are in the final. Meaning she also joined the robbed goddess club! I fell in love with Janey while watching her on Holland, so I was thrilled to be able to catch up with her and finally give her the culinary comfort she deserves, in the form of Janey Ducké Dumplings.

I feel like I’m on a bit of a dumpling kick at the moment and honestly, when they taste this good, I don’t even care. The rich duck is sweetly spiced by a little bit of hoisin to create the easiest, most decadent dump’ you could think of.

Enjoy!

Janey Ducké Dumplings
Serves: 2 dear friends, who I guess could now be lovers. Because as they say, how can we be lovers if we can’t be friends.

Ingredients
300g duck breast, minced
3 spring onions, sliced
1 tsp minced ginger
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 tbsp hoisin sauce
½ tsp sriracha
½ tsp salt
¼ tsp white pepper
40 gow gee wrappers

Method
Combine the duck minced, spring onions, garlic, ginger, hoisin, sriracha, salt and pepper and mix until well combined. Cover and pop in the fridge to chill for a good half an hour or so.

When the flavours have come together like the queens from across the globe, place the wrappers on a clean board and cover with a damp cloth. Working one-by-one, spoon a teaspoon of mixture into the centre of your dumpling wrappers and crimp or fold as desired. You know I go for the old easy pleat option to cover my bad joins.

Once they’re all done, heat a lug of oil in a large frying pan with a lid over medium heat. Cooking 6-8 at a time, pop the dumplings in the hot oil to fry on the bottom and cook for a few minutes. Add about ½ a cup of water and immediately pop on the lid, cooking for a further five minutes or until cooked through.

Repeat the process until they are all done – they can be frozen uncooked, but I am greedy – before devouring. With either some Nam Jimbo or extra hoisin. Or sriracha. Pretty much, you do you boo!


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Cheddar, Sour Cream and Orion Story Mash

RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 14, Side, TV, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race a new batch of queens were put through their paces while the pandemic raged on around them. But that sure as hell didn’t stop them from turning a show. From Symone charming from start to finish – and all the way to crown – to Mik’s iconic Snatch Game, Utica’s kindness saving her from the Pork Chop, Kandy living her best life, Lala Ri’s bag look and Rosé being, well, professional, the dolls served. Good and bad. But thankfully, with a new year, a new batch of dolls are ready to charm their way into our hearts.

First up was my dear Alyssa Hunter looking like the love child of Serena ChaCha and Rosé out of drag – in a swoon way – and like Lady Gaga as an old timey witch in American Horror Story when in drag. She was quickly joined by Bosco looking like Sasha Velour does the devil in drag, in the best way possible. And girl, she is very competitive and ready to fight. Up next was the iconic Kornbread giving Silky in the lip-sync episode levels of perfection – energetic, charming and so damn likeable. Up next was Willow Pill as an extra from Jawbreaker, giving totally vapid delight and ugh, I love her already. I mean, the shirt said ANGLE!

Though not as much as I love Kornbread’s shade for her comfort couture shoes.

Kerri Colby came in looking like an absolute angel – not angle – in full trans flag eleganza. And damn, she was ready to be the Aunty of the season with her good Judy, Kornbread. June Jambalaya was up next and once again, she has history with Kornbread and since she likens herself to Megan Thee Stallion and Phaedra Parks, you KNOW I have no choice but to stan. Rounding out the first group of queens with a screech was Orion Story, complete with an entry paragraph and looking like a star in boudoir glam.

The dolls were gagged by Ru’s arrival welcoming them to the competition and, you know, confirming that they are but half of the dolls to feature this season. And speaking of feature, they would immediately have to compete in the first mini challenge, posing for a photoshoot on the lip sync for the crown spinning wheel with the returning Bryce and Bruno of the Pit Crew who still make me swoon-o. Alyssa was up first and hit every damn angle while June managed to serve sex despite her nerves. Willow was up next serving fully demented and charmed Ru with her name. Orion went from glamour to smut, Bosco was fierce and focused while Kerri got a stunning shot despite nearly drowning in fabric while Kornbread and Ru had the best time ever with Kornbread spinning herself around the place.

Despite Ru’s early love for WIllow and Kornbread, it was ultimately Kerri who took out the win before Ru announced that for this week’s Maxi Challenge, the dolls would be putting on a cheeky Charisma, Nerve and Talent Show to show off all of their mad skillz.

But before we could get to that, the dolls split up to find a workstation and get out of drag. With everyone gagged by Bosco and Willow’s transformation out of drag while Kornbread and June spoke for all of us by thirsting after Alyssa. Everyone turned their attention to Willow, questioning her age, which thankfully is something she is happy about, because she is ready to prove to them she is a star despite the fact they’re all underestimating her.

Oh and it adds nothing to the plot, but Kornbread convinced her new sisters that her talent would be eating hot dogs. And they believed her.

Ru dropped by to get to know the dolls with Kerri admitting her house name was inspired by Dynasty and that she is hoping to live up to the talent and showmanship of her family. Oh and she will be skipping her way through the first challenge. Literally. And again, literally, she learnt to skip at Shady Shores Elementary School. June was up next describing her looks as classy-ratchet to Ru, though when it comes to the talent show, she plans to perform an African dance. Orion admitted to being a shy reserved kid, though would be flipping the script and performing a comedy skit. Ru was still vibing with Willow Pill’s name before we learnt that she is a dear friend of Yvie Oddly’s before sharing that she has cystinosis, which is a kidney disease that causes problems with her eyes, throat and muscles. But most importantly, she described her talent as a lip sync, self-help hybrid. And again, I love her.

Oh and then Ru announced that Lizzo would be this week’s guest judge, delighting – and terrifying – her self-appointed #1 impersonator in L.A., Kornbread.

Elimination Day rolled around with Kornbread smudging her area before Alyssa shared she would be playing guitar, while Bosco will be Wagon Wheel Watusi-ing her way through a Burlesque. Kerri and Kornbread meanwhile were gabbing away while beating their mug, sharing how much they love each other and bonding over their traumatic experiences in the church. Which Kornbread dealt with by straight up farting on a priest like the damn icon she is.

CROWN KORNBREAD NOW.

The dolls were interrupted from beating their mugs by Lizzo who escaped the Green Room to give them some love and a cheeky pep talk. After she left, the dolls were fired up and ready to snatch the first win while all the girls continued to be confused about all things Willow. Which makes me sad because I love lil-low Willow already. 

Oh and then Ru performed a song from her new album and well, there were men in tight, white pants with their nips out, so I am happy. So we’ll let it slide, alright?

June Jambalaya opened up the talent show and while she slayed the performance, her headband kept falling over her face and you know Michelle will focus on that. Bosco was sultry as she stripped down, petal by petal, from her beautiful rose gown until she showed her rose bud. Alyssa confused Lizzo with her metal rocker performance and the dolls with the fact she was just air guitaring on an actual guitar. Kerri meanwhile was iconic, serving slutty schoolgirl as she lip synced before her skipping performance kicked into gear and just made me smile. Like Kornbread, just give her the damn crown, ok?

Orion was a trashy mess aerobics instructor and while I love that she went for something different, it went nowhere, until she joked about taking a massive dump which I obviously found hilarious. Kornbread meanwhile came out of the gate ready to make herself the frontrunner, nailing her performance to her own, hilarious, catchy song. Oh and she had a bag of groceries featuring a missing Merle Ginsberg on the milk carton. And that was before she even started eating her fried chicken necklace and intensely looking at the judges. Willow closed out the show and while her sisters were confused, her Enya lip sync around a bath before eating meatballs, tipping them in a bath and jumping in with a slice of toast was ICONIC.

And damn, did she finally have her sisters gagged.

On the Signature Drag runway, June served golden goddess realness while Bosco was a horny, black devil and Alyssa was a pageant-y, feathered delight. Kerri wore a stunning lion coat with a sexy bodysuit made of Ks. Orion was a red and white mushroom delight, complete with three titties. Kornbread meanwhile came out serving full Lizzo, serving eyes, face and swagger and I fucking love her. While Willow closed things out as a neon ugly-glamour mean girl.

June received praise for her performance while Michelle read her for not securing her headband and wearing control tops. Bosco’s performance was universally beloved for all that she did, while Alyssa was praised for doing something different, despite it being one note. Though the judges lived for her runway, despite the fact none of them understand who she is based on the variety she showed in the first episode. Kerri meanwhile received universal praise, despite the fact Ross wished she started skipping earlier and Michelle wanting her to lean into the stupid. Orion made Lizzo uncomfortable, and while the judges loved that she tried something different, they felt she needed more ‘funny’ in her skit. Michelle read Kornbread’s look for needing more polish, though everyone lived for her performance, none more so than Lizzo. Meanwhile Willow’s look was read for being weak, though they unanimously agreed that her talent was demented and PERFECT.

Backstage the dolls were gooped to finally be competing in the competition, talking about how wild it was to be on the mainstage. Kornbread was particularly thrilled to have made such an impression on Lizzo, while Bosco was thrilled that the judges got her. And to live up to her fellow Seattle queens, Jinkx and DeLa. Kerri meanwhile felt she would ultimately be safe which was enough for her in the first episode. The dolls all admitted that they were judging Willow for her entry look, though were gagged by how entertaining she was in her performance and praised her for being so talented as they gladly ate slice after slice of humble pie. 

Willow shared that during the performance, she didn’t think the judges were getting her and as such, got into her head and was so negative on the runway. Leading to Kornbread pointing out that she now sees her as her biggest competition and she needs to start believing in herself. June opened up about feeling like she messed up her shot by messing up some of the details. She spoke about not normally wearing tights, though worried about being judged for her body on TV and now regretting letting those fears win. Alyssa then brokedown about the pressure of feeling like she is performing for her people and didn’t want to let anyone down. Leading to a huge pep talk from all the girls AND, obviously, some flirting from Kornbread.

Orion meanwhile felt she got far and away the worst critiques and knew she’d be in the bottom, opening up that she was going to do an original song, though ran out of time due to life and as such, had to pull something together and was glad she got to show off her brand of weird. Which this time led to a pep talk from Bosco. Kornbread asked the dolls who they thought would be in the bottom with everyone kinda agreeding June will likely be joining Orion in the bottom, though Kerri assured them that because there are so few girls in the competition, the judges had to be harder on all of them and as such, they shouldn’t be hard on themselves if they do have to lip sync.

Ultimately Bosco and Willow Pill were sent to safety while Kornbread rightly snatched her first victory of the season. Kerri too was deemed safe, followed by Alyssa Hunter who narrowly avoided the bottom, leaving June and Orion to lip sync for their lives to Water Me by Lizzo. June connected with the lyrics and gave all the Lizzo swag while Orion gave campy, comedy and despite being charming and putting on a hell of a show, there was no way June was going home with that fire. As such, poor Orion became the first doll to exit the competition.

Poor Orion was heartbroken to be the first one to leave but I pulled out my old faithful pep talk, reminding her that first boots are always more memorable than the girls that go in the few weeks after and as such, she now joins the legendary group. I mean, fierce Broc-ally, Kahmora Hall, Jaymes Mansfield? There is enough talent in this group to fill an entire All Stars season!

With that wonderful reminder, Orion was ready and invigorated to go out and take on the world again. As such, we laughed, we cried – did I mention I’m a dear friend and the talent show was based around me? Because it was – and then sat down to a big, comforting bowl of Cheddar, Sour Cream and Orion Story Mash.

While I know it may feel like this isn’t an epic enough meal to be dishing out to someone post-boot, I counter that this is honestly the perfect salve. Cheese? Check. Potato? Check. Punch Flavours? Check. I mean, c’mon, sign me up.

Enjoy!

Cheddar, Sour Cream and Orion Story Mash
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4-6 washed potatoes, cut into 2cm dice
salt and pepper, to taste
4 spring onions, trimmed and thinly sliced
¼ cup sour cream, plus extra if required
½ cup vintage cheddar cheese, grated

Method
Pop the cut potato in a large pot and rinse with water. Fill with enough water to cover with about 2cm to cover, salt like the dead sea and pop on the hob over medium-high heat. Cook for about five-ten minutes, or until tender when pierced with a fork.

Drain, return to the hot pot over the hob with the heat off and leave for the moisture to evaporate for a minute. Season to taste, add the spring onions and sour cream and mash until the potatoes are smooth. Stir aggressively, fold through the cheese and return to the lowest heat possible and cook, stirring, for a minute.

Then devour, piping hot, with your favourite protein. Or, you know, in a bowl.


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Chillian AnderCon Queso Dip

Condiment, Dip, Party Food, Snack

Full disclosure, I have never seen an episode of The X-Files.

Yes, I spent a lot of time on the set due to my friendship and subsequent affair with David Duchovny and to gather intel for the script of the porn parody I was working on, which was obviously called The Sex-Files.

Despite being quite busy being … occupied by David and my research, I was able to connect with the delightful, elegant and downright badass Gillian Anderson.

Gills and I connected over our shared Chicago heritage – she was born there, I inspired the role of Velma Kelly – and she quickly took me under her wing, I assume to “fix” me. Clearly she didn’t know who she was dealing with!

Either way, I continued to be an obnoxious, hyper-sexual, alcoholic, junky, felon and G loved me, either in spite of or because of my flaws.

G has been very busy lately, what with The X-Files reboot, her creepy turn in Hannibal and starring in the critically acclaimed The Fall, which she won’t let me near. Yes, Jamie Dornan does have a restraining order out against me, but I know that if she just got me close enough I’d be able to explain why I was caught rubbing his hair while he slept. I mean, it was only the one time after all.

Obvs I would then get a role as Christian’s lover in 50 Shades of Gay … which is what he will demand the sequels become to celebrate both our love and our kinks.

Anyway, it has been ages since we last caught up so I made sure I blocked out some time in her calendar months ago so that we could reconnect and I could work on the Jamie sitch, and nothing says reconnection quite like a big ol’ bowl of Chillian AnderCon Queso Dip.

 

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I make no secret of my unbridled love of cheese: cottage, gouda, roquefort, camembert, pamesan, feta, dick, cheddar, philly, swiss – you name it, I’ll gobbleeat it. Add my other fave, chilli, and you’ve got a warm, thick white liquid that you want to take straight in the mouth … on a chip, right?

Either way, enjoy!

 

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Chillian AnderCon Queso Dip
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
225g vintage cheddar cheese
125g colby cheese
100g queso quesadilla
340g  cream cheese
3 fresh tomatoes, chopped
6 spring onions, finely chopped
6 jalapeños, chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced
½ cup fresh coriander, chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Melt cheeses together in a saucepan over low heat.

Stir in all other ingredients.

Devour, warm, with corn chips. Or even better, Tortéa Leoni Chips?

 

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