Trainwreck

Lentilda Swinton Patties

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold XCI: Call Me By Your Gold, Vegetarian

While I started Call Me By Your Gold with a very musical inspired trio, I decided to hunker down on some of the other categories. Ultimately the Oscars are about very serious movies that are oft a little bit weird – RIP Best Popular Movie – so I decided to reach out to my dear friend. Serious actress Tilda Swinton.

I mean sure, Tilda, has played a string of outlandish roles throughout her career – opposite my girl Ames is one of the more notable turns – whenever I think of Tilda, I think of serious, meaningful films and roles.

I first met Tild way back in 2000 while working together on The Deep End. I was coaching Jonathan Tucker how to play a horny closeted kid, and Tilda took me under her wing given I made him play the role so convincingly.

A beautiful friendship was formed and I encouraged her to continue taking risks, play diverse roles and ultimately pushed her into Michael Clayton, which landed her her first Oscar.

Fun fact: I was actually the one who encouraged her to take on Trainwreck too, which is probs her most iconic role.

Given the fact she is probably my most cultured guest this season – no offense guys! – I employed her to tackle the creative categories. For Foreign film we agree Roma will take it, though Capernaum is stunning and deserves it given Roma will take Best Picture. For Makeup and Hairstyling we both don’t see anyone but Vice getting the gong. Costume Design will go to Black Panther, while Production Design will go to Fiona Crombie for The Favourite.

While it seemed like we settled on the winners quite easily, our discussions were robust and passionate. And needed something light and hearty all at once, which is where my Lentilda Swinton Patties came into play.

 

 

Are these really an appropriate dish to serve at the premiere pre-Oscars event? Probably not. But are they insanely delicious? Obvi. Sweet, sweet potato, earthy lentil and a tonne of spice work together to fill you with joy. And let you be smug since they’re pretty healthy.

Enjoy!

 

 

Lentilda Swinton Patties
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g sweet potato, peeled and steamed
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground chilli
½ tsp ground coriander
400g canned brown lentils, rinsed and drained
small handful coriander, roughly chopped
⅓ cup breadcrumbs

Method
Preheat oven to 180C.

Mash the sweet potato in a large bowl and combine with the spices, lentils, coriander and breadcrumbs. Scrunch to combine with your hands. Shape in eight patties and place on a lined baking sheet. Transfer to the oven and bake for half an hour, or until golden and crisp.

Devour. With or without salad.

 

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Turkey and Brie Larson Pizza

Main, Party Food, Snack

Seriously – is there anyone sweeter than Brie Larson?

Obviously that question is rhetorical since I’m her friend and you’re not, but I swear Brie Larson is a damn saint. I mean, just look through her post-Trumpotus-elect Instagram feed – she is a damn angel that we don’t deserve.

Brie and I have been close friends for more than a decade after meeting on the set of 13 Going on 30. I could tell immediately that she was destined for greatest and made it my life’s work to help her succeed … which I have, so look at me being a success!

Anywho, I contacted my friend Toni and got Brie cast in the hit show United States of Tara, which led to Short Term 12 which, of course, led to Room … and her Oscar. As you can imagine, I haven’t let her forget that I am integral to all her success.

Given the post-Oscar spike – not enjoyed by my friend Halle Berry or frenemy Nicole Kidman – Brie and I haven’t been able to get together to celebrate her victory / discuss my involvement in the Captain Marvel movie (or as a love interest for Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy – I’m not picky).

It was so wonderful to be able to join together to celebrate our – yes our – wonderful achievements in Room over a rich, festively appropriate Turkey and Brie Larson Pizza.

 

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This pizza originally came about due to me needing to work through an over abundance of post-Thanksgiving turkey but after training myself to become a competitive eater, it grew into its own delightful, meatbally delight.

That is a word.

Spicy, tart and a little bit decadent, this is the perfect meal for bridging the gap between holidays and / or eating your feelings.

Enjoy!

 

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Turkey and Brie Larson Pizza
Serves: 2-6.

Ingredients
pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)
passata or tomato paste, with a combination of herbs
500g turkey mince
1 tsp cinnamon
2 cloves garlic, minced
olive oil
½ cup cranberry sauce
a couple of sage leaves, roughly chopped
100g(ish, no judgement if you want more) brie, roughly sliced

Method
Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Combine the mince, cinnamon and garlic in a bowl, and heat a lug of olive oil in a large frying pan over medium heat. Pinch out small chunks of meat and add to the pan, not worrying too much about forming them into perfect balls, and cook until completely browned. Add in the cranberry sauce and cook for a further minute and remove from heat.

Once you’ve rolled out the dough and covered it in your herby passata, sprinkle with sage leaves, top generously with meatballs and top with brie.

Pop it straight into the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until the cheese is melted and crisp.

Devour.

 

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Enough room at the inn

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

The holidays truly do bring everyone together.

After seeing me spend time with the Gilmore gang over the past couple of weeks, my dear friend Brie Larson reached out to see if I was free for a little post-Thanksgiving / pre-Christmas catch-up.

Now I know I’m peaking too early for my annual Oscar Gold celebrations – what with one of the most newly minted winners being in demand during the festivities – but Brie is such a doll and how can I say no to such a  sweetie?

Exactly.

So what says happy holidays / congrats on your Oscar / please finally get me cast in a Marvel movie?

Image source: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP.

 

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Amy MuSchumer

Emmy Gold, Main

Ok – so again, we’re catching up with another current Emmy nominee but I promise, this is the last one. Rightly or wrongly, but I’ll get to that tomorrow.

Amy and I are just way too similar for me to not include her in such an important occasion. I mean, both of us are praised as brave for posing nude (I’d argue that it is the photographer that is brave in my case, but I’ve digressed), have a penchant for smut and swearing and have felt the disappointed gaze of Michael Caine.

Plus she is a killer friend and is sure to take me as her date, right? Well wrong … but all is forgiven as she too agrees that Kit and I should go together.

I first met Ames in the early 00s when we both became involved in a shoplifting scheme, resulting in grand larceny charges. While she was able to plead down the charges thanks to her cousin, I bought my way out of my problems and fled back to Lisa Vanderpump’s mansion.

While we didn’t speak for a few years, we reconnected during her stint on Last Comic Standing. I was heavily involved in rigging reality television programs and was desperately trying to get my hands on NBC’s stable after my dear friend Bethenny/any/eny/annie/infghtsmjfjf lost on Martha Stewart’s Apprentice, so spent a lot of time on set.

The decade that followed will go down as arguably the greatest friendship either has ever had and the best creative partnership known to mankind.

Like Bryan, Ames has a breadth of nominations under her belt so thankfully was able to run a shit tonne of odds with me. Our choices, are as follows:
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series, Key and Peele
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series, JLD
Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, Tig Notaro

Notably – but not surprisingly – she only backed her show when she wasn’t listed as a nominee. I however back her when she isn’t up against JLD (and was right to back Teens and Ames in the Guest category). Adjust your betting accordingly.

After such a lengthy discussion, we were absolutely famished by the time it came to plotting the best way for me to get to Kit that I had to stop everything and whip up a huge batch of my Amy MuSchumer.

 

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Like Ames, the muschumer packs a punch, has a little bite and fills you with absolute joy. Coincidentally those are all aspects of my plan to woo Kit.

Enjoy!

 

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Amy MuSchumer
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ cup plain flour
2 tbsp cornflour
¼ cup water
¼ cup milk
6 eggs
2 tbsp butter, melted
1 tbsp chilli flakes
peanut oil
600g pork, cut into strips
¼ cup soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
2 tbsp oyster sauce
thumb of ginger, peeled and minced
1 large carrot, julienned
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
100g shiitake mushrooms, sliced
6 shallots, sliced on the angle and one whole for the pancakes
2-3 cups shredded wombok
hoisin sauce, to serve

Method
Combine the flour, cornflour, water, milk, 2 of the eggs, half the butter, chilli flakes and rough chopped additional shallot and blitz in a food processor until smooth. Cover and stand while you make the pork.

Heat a lug of peanut oil in a wok/large frying pan over high heat and stir-fry the pork, in two batches, until browned aka about a minute. Transfer to a bowl and stir through the soy, sake, oyster sauce and ginger.

Clean out the wok/frying pan, add another lug of oil and stir-fry the carrot, capsicum and mushrooms for a minute. Add the shallots, wombok and pork and stir-fry for a couple of minutes, the liquid has reduced and the vegetables bright but tender. Remove from heat.

Meanwhile heat another lug of peanut oil in a small frying pan over high heat. When blisteringly hot, add the remaining eggs, lightly beaten, reduce heat to low and stir the eggs over themselves to form a delicate omelette.

Remove from the heat, roughly chop and stir through the pork mixture and keep warm while you fry the pancakes.

Heat a small frying pan over medium heat and brush with the remaining butter. Add about a tablespoon worth of batter to the frying pan, spread it out to form a thin pancake and cook for a minute or two. Flip and cook for a further minute. Transfer to a plate and repeat until the batter is done.

Once the pancakes are sorted, dish up the pork, garnishing with some extra slice shallots, and serve with the pancakes.

I wouldn’t worry too much about presentation as you inhale them pretty quickly!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.