Rapper

Imma let you reach 200

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Make no mistakes, Kanye is not happy that it has taken 199 dates for me to finally reach out and invite him over for a catch-up.

Oh, did I mention Kanye is coming over this week?

Well he is, despite the fact that he is so offended it took so long.

“Kanye, you keen to come and help me celebrate the 200th recipe on my anthropological, online study.”

“200th? Are you kidding me? Why did it take so long? You had Kim and the rest of the Kute Kardashian Klan drop by almost 100 ago – bitch, I made you famous!”

“I’m sorry Kan…”

“Imma let you finish … but Beyonce has the best personalised recipe you used to make her and you haven’t even had the decency to invite her over. In 199?”

“So…”

“Imma let you finish … but you had Taylor over. Taylor?! We are feuding!”

“S…”

“Imma let you finish. Ok I’m finished.”

…

So yeah, Kanye was not happy but he eventually agreed to turn up and help me celebrate.

What do I make to sweeten him up a bit?

Picture source: Screenshot from 2009 MTV VMAs.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Jay Zucchini Bake

Main, Snack

Gol-ly! You have no idea how much I have missed my boy Jay Z.

As you know, I’m a very close friend of the Knowles-Z clan having met both Jay and Bey in the 90s, suggesting they collaborated in the 00s and leading to the birth of the first family of music. You’re welcome.

Now – full disclosure – my relationship with Jay hasn’t always lead to positive things. Obviously.

We first met in the mid 90s when I tried to jack the car he was selling his CDs out of. While I regret trying to rob him – it was the 90s and I needed to by coke to stay thin while I worked on Models Inc. – the ensuing media coverage of our bitter trial grabbed the attention of Priority Records and lead to the release of his first album.

It was the guilt I felt about my failed robbery that lead to me stabbing Lance Rivera for him in ‘99. Obviously, I expect you to respect my privacy / not tell the authorities the truth. Thanks.

Anyway, after the wild years and a couple of stints in rehab, I introducing Jay and Bey and the rest, is history.

JayBey have been all over the news following the release of her latest opus, Lemonade but thankfully I was able to shy away from the negative publicity despite being Becky and threw that shrew Rachael Ray – she knows what she did – under the bus.

Given the tragic hate-crime that occurred in Orlando over the weekend, our catch-up was a little more somber than usual as it truly hit home to both of us, as we understand what it is like to be persecuted for simply being.

So with hope that America may finally release their balls from the vice-like grip of the NRA / Charlton Heston’s ghost and that everyone across the planet could just learn to be a little bit kinder and let people live, even simply, without fear of judgement or persecution, we sat down to a comforting meal of Jay Zucchini Bake.

 

jay-zucchini-bake-1

 

Like the human race, the bake is a mish mash of vibrant, unique veggies, sharp cheese, delicate eggs and salty bacon that when combined forms a perfectly fluffy dish that proves, once and for all I say, that joining together because of our differences is when magic truly happens.

Enjoy – I promise to not be so heavy next week.

 

jay-zucchini-bake-2

 

Jay Zucchini Bake
Serves: 4-6 for dinner, 8-10 for lunches or snacks.

Ingredients
6 rashers bacon, diced
1 cup corn kernels, fresh or frozen, it doesn’t matter
2 zucchinis, grated
1 large carrot, grated
1 onion, diced
½ red capsicum, diced
250g goat’s cheese
1 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
6 eggs
⅓ cup oil
⅓ cup freshly grated parmesan

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C.

Heat a skillet over medium heat and fry the bacon until it is just starting to get crispy. Add the corn and cook for a further couple of minutes before removing it from the heat. You can avoid frying the corn if you can’t be bothered, this is more important if you’re using frozen corn as you need to remove as much liquid as possible.

While the bacon and corn are resting, combine the zucchini, carrot, onion and capsicum in a large bowl. Crumble in the goat’s cheese and mix through the cooled bacon / corn mix, flour and baking powder.

At this point I should probably mentioned that the order of this recipe really doesn’t matter at all, but I am kind of anal and this is how I do it … always. Just because.

Anyway, aside over. Whisk the oil and eggs together in a measuring jug or something of the ilk, and add it to the bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper and stir to combine.

Pour the mix into a large baking dish, cover with the parmesan and bake for about 30 minutes, or until golden and set.

 

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He got 99 problems but this bitch ain’t one

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

When I was in the U.S. for memorial day, I was out in Brooklyn but then went down to Tribeca to see if my dear friends Bey and Jay were free to catch-up and help them work through their Becky related issues.

Full disclosure: the song is about me. Becky = Benny.

Sadly they were busy – I think Jay was scared I was wanting to put him in his place for discussing fight club way back when – so told them to drop by and visit me when they get a chance. Cut to last week when Hiz secured the nomination and Jay called to say he’d fly down to hang, knowing I was best placed to keep them on the Oval Office speed-dial during the next term.

Blue Ivy, my god-daughter, and Bey are busy selling Lemonade on their stoop to quench the thirst of New Yorkers, so Jay is flying solo. They are truly saintly. But of course, I’ve digressed.

What do I make when Jay catches me in the kitchen like Simmons’ whipping pastry?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Japharrell Cake

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Sweets

Full disclosure, I had zero idea why Pharrell was so burnt out and in need of a catch-up. I assumed being a Grammy Award winning, Academy Award nominee was enough to be exhausted?

Turns out, it wasn’t the entire story.

Pha-Pha, as I call him, arrived straight off the plane from LA late last night completely spent after a gruelling season on The Voice. After two hours of him explaining to me that he wasn’t talking about the Australian version and that I needed to put down the knife and relax, he fell into my arms, exhausted and looking for the comfort of a true friend.

I first met Pharrell in the 1700s in the 90s as a founding member of N*E*R*D. Despite being ejected from the band after it was discovered I thought it was a fetish dating site, Pha-Pha took me under his wing as his immortal business protege before I eventually became a muse. Fun fact, the drawing scene from Titanic was inspired by the moment I entered into his … muse-dom?

Needless to say, I’ve played a crucial part in all of Relly’s future successes and have been his go to person. I’m the Yang to his Grey, if that is still a thing – I don’t know, I gave up after Izzie cut the damn LVAD and Snow Patrol became a thing in the mainstream.

Also, is Snow Patrol a band or a barbershop quartet consisting of Mr Plow and the Plow King?

But I’ve digressed.

Rel dropped by after wrapping the US version of The Voice (produced by my dear pal Mark Burnett) where – I shit you not / *spoiler alert* – Curly Sue took the crown. Sadly his contestant, Hannah … Horvath (? – I assume it is a characters of fiction edition) could only snag third, despite a stellar finale performance.

Needless to say, he is a sensitive soul and was taking the loss very hard meaning the only thing that could cure his mood and turn his frown upside down, was my Japharrell Cake.

 

japharrell-cake-1

 

While Jaffas are the worst coated chocolate treat, this cake is off the hook. Maybe it is the inclusion of blood orange oil – rather than its generic sibling orange oil – but the moist, bitter chocolate cake combined with the tang of the citrus is something to behold. Plus, it melts in your mouth and quite literally, is dripping in ganache (if you’re too lazy to let it set/cool, like I am).

Enjoy!

 

japharrell-cake-2

 

Japharrell Cake
Serves: 1-12.

Ingredients
200ml blood orange oil
70g valrhona cocoa powder (sifted)
165ml boiling water
2 ½ tsp vanilla extract
200g almond meal
¾ tsp bicarbonate of soda
pinch of salt
265g caster sugar
4 large eggs

Ganache
225g dark chocolate, 70% solids or more
1 cup heavy cream
pinch of salt

Method
Preheat the oven to 170°C and grease a 20cm springform pan with some olive oil and the base with baking paper.

Place the cocoa powder in a small bowl and whisk with the boiling water until smooth. Add in the vanilla extract and leave to cool.

Combine the almond meal, bicarb and salt in a large bowl.

In the large bowl of an electric mixer, combine the sugar, oil and eggs and mix with the paddle attachment on high speed for about 5 minutes. Reduce the speed and pour in the cooled cocoa mixture. When combined, add the almond meal in slowly.

Scrape down the sides, pour the mixture into the pan and bake for 45 minutes or until the cake is set but with a nice moist centre.

Moist – I love that word.

When it is ready, allow to cool on a wire rack for about 10 minutes before removing the sides from the pan. Then leave to cool completely (unless you can’t like me).

While the cake is cooling, start on the ganache by bring the cream to the boil over medium heat. While the cream is getting all hot and bothered, break up the chocolate in a medium bowl.

When the cream is hot, pour it over the chocolate, add a pinch of salt and leave to stand for five minutes.

Five minutes later – and I mean that – whisk the cream and chocolate until combined and smooth. Allow to stand for a further 15 minutes, stirring ocassionally, before pouring over the cake and smoothing it out.

Obviously I didn’t wait for either to cool or set, resulting in the puddle cake … which was still delicious, FYI.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Happy clappy chappy

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

My oldest and most dearest friend and rumoured vampire Pharrell called last night to ask if he could drop by and rejuvenate after having such a busy few years. Obviously this made me very happy – feel free to clap along – and I agreed instantly.

He’ll come so far, to be fed something blah.

So let’s raise the bar and fill my plate with a star!

He’ll fill up-a his tum, I’ll be up to feed hum.
We’ll be up all night catching-up, I just can’t wait to say sup’?

(But seriously, if you have a better rhyming word for up, i’ma let you finish).

Picture source: Kevin Winter / Getty Images for NARAS.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Andy Sambergers

Main, Party Food, Snack

Given the fact we both have dark, curly hair and well, that is it (but hey, it was enough to get me the job as his body-double), my torrid love affair with Andy Samberg is the closest I’ve ever come to twincest but that isn’t the greatest thing our love bore – Dick in a Box.

Originally co-written as a celebratory post-coital jam Dick in a Box, in the previous timeline, would have gone on to be a gay anthem that we likely would have submitted to Eurovision to be sung by Engelbert Humperdinck in the UK. Instead, I had to give up our love affair when travelling back in time but knew that the world needed that song so dropped hints for Andy to include a different version during his time on SNL.

While Andy sometimes doesn’t believe our past affair in the alternate timeline, we have always been close friends and collaborators with him insisting my personality inspired the best aspects of both Jake Peralta and Gina Linetti on his current hit show, Brooklyn Nine Nine.

Being close friends with his wife in this timeline (I taught her harp and encouraged Melbourne to use her song for their infamous ad), I always try and catch up with the first couple I ever married when I get the chance. Don’t tell them I’m not actually allowed to officiate marriages, I wanted to keep my options with Andy open …

Sadly Jo was out of town – how strange that Andy forgot to mention that tidbit – so it was just a good old fashioned sausage fest. While our ideas of a good old fashioned sausage fest differ greatly, I was able to whip up a batch of my Andy Sambergers to get us off for us to enjoy.

 

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Sweet, soft round buns with a thick piece of hot, spicy meat covered in a nice creamy load of bernaise, you’d be forgiven for thinking we were in the OG timeline but with onions.

I would explain to you the laws of our time-travel but I need to go cool myself down – enjoy!

 

andy-sambergers-2

 

Andy Sambergers
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
750g good quality beef mince
1 cup flat-leaf parsley, chopped
2 tbsp capers
1 tbsp hot pickled peppers, chopped
2 cloves garlic
salt
black pepper
3 large onions, sliced
3 tbsp butter
dijon mustard
Briocher Bünsberg
Tomatoni Braxton Relish
Bernadaise Peters

Method
Place parsley, capers, peppers and garlic in a food processor and blitz to create a rough paste. Add to a large bowl with the beef mince and a good whack of salt and pepper. Mix together and form into 6-8 evenly sized patties, place on a plate lined with cling, cover and refrigerate for an hour or so.

While they are sitting in their juices and becoming delightful, get to work on the onions. Place a medium saucepan over low heat and melt butter until it starts to foam before adding the onions. Cook slowly until soft, caramelised and sweet … or about half an hour. Turn off, cover and leave to rest.

Once the onions are sweet and glorious, heat a large griddle over high heat. When it is nice and hot, toast the halved buns and remove to serving plates. Reduce the temperature to low and brush with oil before added all of the patties. Cook for a few minutes either side until they’re at the desired ‘doneness’, making sure you only flip them once.

Now to get building, smear some dijon on the top of the bun and spread a generous dollop of relish on the bottom. Top with some caramelised onion, then the patty and top with some fresh Bernie.

Lucky I’d conveniently caught up with the whole gang recently!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Brooklyn Nine-Fine

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

What the what are we doing posting our week’s schedule a day late, you ask?!

For those who may have been living under a rock, yesterday was the most wonderful day of the year, Oscar Day, and as such, I was muy muy busy, co-hosting the red carpet for E, Bravo, ABC, Retirement Living and four other networks while attending as a major Hollywood A-lister’s date, seat-filling AND live blogging the whole thing for you, and was unable to post this week’s tease as planned.

Never fear! I am back to work with a killer hangover to let you know that I am catching up with my dear friend Andy Samberg before I jet back to Australia.

I first connected with Andy in the early teenies when I was doing a lot of work as a body double, on account of my low-esteem and desire to be adored in place of famous people. During this time an up and comer called Andy Samberg crossed the ditch to headline a series called Cuckoo and a beautiful friendship began.

Through the use of time-travel, I went back to 2005 and gave him pointers to avoid pissing off Lorne Michaels at the SNL auditions and thus, this timeline was born and I saved him from a failed career and savage cocaine addiction. See, I’m not that horrible! I do make positive contributions to society!

What says how do we fix the egregious striking of you name from last year’s Best Original Song nominee, Everything is Awesome?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Nicki Spinaj and Cheese Triangles

Main, Party Food, Side, Snack

Like us, our close friend Nicki was always destined for fame and I would argue, that is what first drew us together at the anger management facility.

While we have a strong friendship with Nickers’, based on trust, respect and non-physical rage, there have been notable feuds in our past. I mean, who can tolerate Sophia-Grace and Woesie. Eye-roll emoji.

Despite questionable taste in hangers-on like them, I guess we are proof that sometimes they can turn out alright, and knowing that, always helps bring us back together.

After leaving the facility – thanks to Nickers’ glowing recommendation – we convinced her that her talents were wasted helping people and that she needed to do something truly meaningful like rapping and feuding with Mariah.

(The only good thing Mariah can do is a Christmas album, let’s be honest).

Nek minute, Nicki was flying high like a starship and became a global sensation with us by her side to help her scheme, feud and throw some glorious side eye. Fun fact, the what’s good phrase is Annelie’s go to throwdown line if I eat the last piece of cake.

Such a spicy, exciting bond can only be summed up by one thing – our Nicki Spinaj and Cheese triangles.

 

Nikki Spinaj and Cheese Triangles_1

 

Cheese is literally the best thing to ever happen to the planet (aside from us and wine) and well, any receptacle that helps get hot, gooey cheese from a plate to my mouth is a win. Throw in the freshness of spinach and dill and you’ve got a heavenly, creamy-sharp orgy happening in your mouth.

Enjoy!

 

Nikki Spinaj and Cheese Triangles_2

 

Nicki Spinaj and Cheese Triangles
Makes: 24.

Ingredients
375g frozen spinach, thawed
125g Greek feta, crumbled
125g ricotta, crumbled
1 tablespoon dill, chopped
2 eggs, lightly beaten
salt and pepper, to taste
375g pack filo pastry
oil, for brushing

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Drain all of liquid from the spinach and mix in a medium bowl with the feta, ricotta, dill, eggs, salt and pepper, until combined.

Brush oil between three layers of pastry and place on top of each other. Cut pastry into three long strips.

Place about a tablespoon of the mixture in a corner of each strip. Fold diagonally to form a triangle and then repeat with remaining filo and spinach mixture until all used up.

Place parcels (join-side down) on a baking tray and brush with oil, and bake for 15 to 18 minutes until crisp.

Serve with sweet chili, a spicy tomato sauce or aioli. Or by themselves.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Miley, what’s good (eating)?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

After a week gorging on delicious Thanksgiving food and a weekend treating Black Friday sales like a cage-fight, Annelie and I knew there was only one celebrity we would want to spend time with this week – our dear friend Nicki Minaj.

We first met our dear friend Nickster six years ago in court-ordered anger management, just as she was about to make it big. She had been working at the anger facility as a counselor for their more extreme patients and thus far, has been the only person to get through to us.

That probably has more to do with the fact that she allows us to continue with fight-club and is a firm believer in verbal beat-downs and non-physical feuding. Plus, she hates customers.

What says, thank you for being such a strong, rational role-model to us both?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Snoop Daggywood Dogg

Carnival Week, Party Food, Snack

Ok, so full disclosure, we pretty much hate every aspect of a carnival aside from the food. I mean between the nature and the general public, it is terrifying. We are the people that inspired Eva Gabor’s character in Green Acres, after all.

We are more urban people, which coincidentally is where we first met our dear friend Snoop Dogg (slash Lion). Snoop shared a dealer, Nancy Botwin, with us back in the early 2000s when we were staunch supporters of MILF Weed.

As we were all crazy stoned, friendship quickly blossomed between us and were initiated into his gang after scoring him a role in Starsky & Hutch with our frenemy Stiller. We then went back in time to help him co-write his hit song Gin and Juice.

As most of our catch-ups involve having the munchies (and the fact that being stoned helps going to a carnival), we opted for a pre-Ekka meal of Snoop Daggywood Doggs.

Obviously we then stayed in and got crazy stoned and spun each other in circles. Such a better choice.

 

Snoop Daggywood Dogg_1

 

Crispy, crunchy and nothing close to something you’d consider healthy, these are best dipped generously in tomato sauce. If you’re wild, mustard is a bit of fun too.

Fun fact, the Snoop Daggywood Doggs are so delicious that they were the catalyst for the notorious gang fight / murder in ‘93. Thankfully our lawyer Johnnie Cochran was free to help Snoop out!

Enjoy!

 

Snoop Daggywood Dogg_2

 

Snoop Daggywood Dogg
Serves: 3 very stoned friends.

Ingredients
⅓ cup polenta
1 cup plain flour, plus extra for dusting
1 tsp bicarb soda
1 tsp baking powder
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
pinch of salt
2 tbsp caster sugar
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 ⅓ cups buttermilk
8 frankfurts
8 skewers
vegetable oil, to fry
tommy sauce and mustard, to serve

Method
Place polenta, flour, bicarb of soda, baking powder, cayenne pepper, sugar and ½ tsp salt in a bowl and stir to combine. Stir in egg, then, gradually stir in enough buttermilk to make a smooth, thick batter.

Fill a large saucepan one-third full with oil and heat over medium heat until a chunk of bread turns golden in about 10 seconds. Place extra flour in a shallow bowl and, working with one hot dog at a time, dust in flour, shaking off the excess, then, coat liberally in batter. Holding one end of the dog with tongs, gently drop into oil and fry for 3-5 minutes or until crisp and golden. You may need to turn them halfway through. Drain on paper towel.

Thread corn dogs onto skewers and serve immediately with tommy sauce and mustard.

For classic look, dip the tip in the tommy sauce.

The tip of the meat, obviously.

Meat as in the Snoop Daggywood Dogg, obviously.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.