American

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I was wandering around this weekend – you know that the body looks best while taking a turn around the room, no? – when I put one hand in my pocket to discover my phone was vibrating.

I also discovered a shit tonne of jagged little pills but that is not necessary to this story.

Anyway, ironically, it was my dear friend Alanis on the other end – but you oughta know –  wanting to congratulate me on reaching my two year blogiversary (which is TODAY, yay!) … and to see if she was able to drop by and catch-up.

Alanis is crazy busy so being her friend you learn to jump in head over feet when a chance to reconnect pops up.

What do I make before washing my hands clean of this date?

Picture source: REUTERS/Marcos Brindicci.

 

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Frijoley Fisher Dip

Condiment, Dip

It is so hard being a close friend of celebrity dynasties. I mean, you catch up with one of your dearest friends and next thing you know, their kid half-sister is calling begging to reconnect as well!

Sure I would consider Joely Fisher a dear friend but just because I needed some soul affirming love from Carrie doesn’t mean I need to field over 100 missed calls a day from Jo, begging to catch-up.

After a quick call from my service provider begging me to just take the damn calls and free up their network, I relented and offered her a quick weekend slot to tide her over and help me soften up after the infuriating desperation of her calls.

As you can probably guess, I first met Jo through Caz after connecting in rehab and like the rest of the broader Reynolds-Fisher Dynasty, is a complete triple threat. Obviously being the youngest that I’m friends with, our duelling talents led to a friendly rivalry that would go on to inspire the hit movie Drop Dead Gorgeous.

Despite this, we have always remained close so I didn’t verbally assault her for the incessant calls.

Joels hasn’t be overly busy recently – aside from a guest stint on Tim Allen’s show and Drag Race U – so honestly, I was wary that this catch-up was an attempt to get back in the spotlight. Thankfully I was wrong and bless her heart, she truly just wanted some down time with a dear friend.

After learning that, I threw out my laxative-laced treat and quickly whipped up our favourite from our old vegas days, my Frijoley Fisher Dip.

 

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Beans and by extension, bean dip, often get a bad rap for the music the oft inspire – which is not a probs if you’re singing and dancing 8 shows a week in Vegas – but this dip is killer. Maybe that has something to do with the shit tonne of cheese?

Warm, creamy and spicy – it is the perfect accompaniment to reconnecting with a friend.

Enjoy!

 

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Frijoley Fisher Dip
Makes: 2 cups.

Ingredients
800g canned pinto beans
⅓ cup cream cheese
1 cup cheddar cheese, grated
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp chili powder
2 tbsp diced pickled jalapeños
1-2 shallots, finely sliced
extra cheddar and/or sour cream, to garnish

Method
Chuck beans and cream cheese in a food processor. Blitz.

Transfer to a small saucepan over medium heat, add other ingredients, stir to combine and heat until until all combined.

Top with shallots, grated cheese and/or a dollop of sour cream.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Rachel Akorean BBQ

Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X

Previously on Survivor – I know, isn’t this the premiere? – we were given the answer to the age old question, what could kaôh rōng? Specifically, kind of, for Aubry with the season resembling Game of Thrones and killing off three people, two of which were her closest allies. But that is another story from another time – seriously, click the link above if you want to hear about it – we’re off to Fiji for the battle of the ages.

A Survivor first … previously seen in both Panama and Nicaragua!

With that, we’re off. Then the game is off due to a cyclone and recommenced a day later before gen x learnt that taking both shortcuts – something they’d accuse the millennials of doing in real life – doesn’t work, heading to tribal and voting off the first of my competing friends.

Thankfully – spoiler alert – it wasn’t Ken, meaning he lives to see another day to inherit a blur in his tight, tight undies.

Jeff got to work making introductions, with high schooler Will admitting to the fact he was competing in addition to his homework, Paul described milk delivery as now the work of drones – not sure that is the case, but yay – and Michaela stole my heart by giving eye rolls that would make Sandra Diaz-Twine and Courtney Yates proud.

After an opportunity to scramble for supplies and making choices, old-Jessica grabbed an advantage in the game and Taylor opted to choke (I wish), sorry take, the chickens.

Jiffy then dropped the bomb that a large storm was expected in the coming days, scaring everyone shitless and warned them to build a shelter. Obviously the millennials then opted to go for a swim, rather than focus too hard on building a shelter as the aforementioned storm rolled in.

Thankfully Zeke spoke directly to my soul and admitted that being 28 but feeling 80 is a beautiful thing.

Over on gen x, Ken then started dominating like a boss given his experience living off the grid and old-Jessica introduced us to her Legacy Advantage which is vague, ominous and I’ll forget about it by the time she gets it.

Then Jeff sent them a love letter – which isn’t a good sign – to offer them a tarp for the cyclone. When it didn’t blow over, he visited and took them to share his hotel room with us to ride out the storm.

The tribes reconvened after the cyclone with the millennials rewarded for their previous lack of shelter by not having to rebuild, only build, before heading off to the immunity challenge, where – as I previously mentioned – gen x lost after taking all the shortcuts and my dear friend Rachel became the first person voted off the island.

Obviously I first met Rach while working for Heff, when she modelled for Playboy. I was immediately drawn to her intelligence and mentored her as writer, leading to her becoming a #1 Best Selling Author on Amazon.

Fun fact my mum rates me as the #1 Never Sold Non-Author in her heart. Same same.

Anyway, Rachel and I have been close for a long time and as such a knew that only my Rachael Akorean BBQ would be able to cheer her up.

 

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Like Rachel the BBQ is spicy and keeps it real. The delicately cooked – albeit haphazardly cut – meat is simple and delicious, the mushrooms sweet and the onion salad brings the kick. Combining to create a delicious meal leaving you wanting more, like we are left wanting more of Rachel on the island.

Enjoy!

 

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Rachel Akorean BBQ
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ onion, thinly sliced
1 bunch shallots, cut into thin batons
1 tbsp chilli powder
1 tbsp caster sugar
1 tsp salt
½ tsp black pepper
1 tsp white vinegar
handful shiitake mushrooms, roughly chopped
⅓ cup tamari
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
600g(ish) piece of brisket
ssam sauce, to serve
vegetable oil, to grill
short grain rice, to serve – cooked per packet instructions

Method
Freeze the brisket until solid through, overnight is perfect – then allow to defrost for a couple of hours while you’re doing the salad and mushrooms.

Place the onions and shallots in a bowl of iced water and chill for about half an hour, or until the shallots are curled.

While they are chilling, combine the chilli, sugar, salt and pepper with a tablespoon of water in a medium bowl until the sugar is dissolved.

Drain the onion and shallots and transfer to a bowl with the chilli sauce, add the vinegar and season again to taste.

Meanwhile, add the mushrooms to a small saucepan over medium heat with the tamari and muscovado sugar. Cook stirring for 15 minutes or so, or until the mushrooms are soft, sweet and glossy.

Finally, get to work on the meat by slicing it as thinly as possible, a few millimetres maximum.

Heat a griddle over high heat, brush with oil and grill the meat until lightly cooked, a minute or so each side.

Serve together on a platter as a snack or with rice as a main.

 

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Crepe Susan Lucci

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Say what you want about Susan Lucci – and fuck knows I do – she is one of the brightest, kindest and most generous people I’ve ever been lucky enough to call my friend.

Whether it is taking my acidic barbs like a champ, losing DWTS or more importantly losing the Emmy year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year – break to win – after year, after year, Suze accepts it all and laughs it off knowing that she is a wonder.

I first met Suze in the 70s when I was hired as a soap-fight consultant on All My Children, the success of which led to me being hired by Az in the 80s when Dynasty started. Despite only working together briefly, Suze and I became fast friends and I was always first on hand after her Emmys losses to provide her with love and comfort in the form of cripplingly aggressive humour.

So Rami & I were getting ready to leave Kit’s house, and I L.A. when I gave Suze a buzz to see if she wanted to catch-up. Chuckling, she agreed – knowing the roast she was about to ensue.

“Suze – I just dropped Rami off after we celebrated his Emmy win. Can you believe winning an Emmy on the first go … let alone a Primetime one?!”

“Sarah Paulson broke her streak – she only took six losses before converting one!”

“You know how you lost the Emmy 20 times? Tatianna Maslany won on her second go for playing twenty characters. I guess she is almost as bad as you, right?”

Obviously I actually got cruel and made off colour jokes, but I’d rather keep our aggressive relationship. It truly is way too special to us.

Either way, it truly was a great opportunity to reconnect and provide my commiserations for the axing of Devious Maids and end of her career. Well, until I launch the soap idea I’ve been playing around with.

Oh and get Little Whorephan Andy: The Andy Dick Story on Broadway – I know she’ll be perfect for the role of Andy’s mother.

Anyway, the sweetness wasn’t just relegated to our bond but my famed Crepe Susan Lucci which – fun fact – were the only thing that could cheer her up after her numerous Emmy losses.

 

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Like Suze herself, the crepes are lithe, delicate and humble, and the sauce is hot and full of zest, leaving you happy, content and full of love – can’t wait to see you next Emmys, Suze.

Enjoy!

 

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Crepe Susan Lucci
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
100g plain flour
salt
2 eggs, 1 whole, 1 yolk only
300ml milk
1 tbsp unsalted butter, melted plus extra to fry

Sauce
100g caster sugar
35g unsalted butter
150ml orange juice
1 orange, zested
3 tbsp Grand Marnier
2 tbsp brandy
ice-cream, to serve

Method
Place all of the crepe ingredients in a jug and blitz with a stick blender until combined and forms a smooth, thin batter. Cover and allow it to sit for 30 minutes.

Once the batter is nice and rested, heat a small frying pan over medium heat, melt a small dob of butter and pour in enough batter to cover the base. Cook for a minute or so, carefully flip and transfer to a plate. Repeat until the crepes are done.

Meanwhile, in another small frying pan over low heat, melt the sugar with a tablespoon of water. Add the butter, increase the heat and cook for about five minutes, or until it is golden brown. Add the juice, zest, liqueur and brandy and simmer for a couple of minutes, stirring. Remove from heat.

Once it has cooled slightly, dip each crepe into the sauce, fold it in half and in half again – aka quarters. Layer a couple on a plate, top with ice cream and devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

All her losses

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Let’s be honest, there was never going to be anyone I’d rather catch-up with and roast after the Emmys than my dear friend and perennial loser – it is hard to beat a 1 from 21 record – Susan Lucci.

Yes, I know that herses were in the Daytime Categories but if you can’t roast your friends at any opportunity, what is the point of life?

Obviously Suze was free and very keen to hang – she loves a good roast and is angling for me to help her get one on Comedy Central – so I’ll drop in somewhere between In’n’Out and LAX – what do I make that is sweet enough to cut through my acidic barbs?

Picture source: Unknown but it makes me so happy.


As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

We just need to work through the ika bula title, ok?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X

Let’s all agree, calling the season Millennials vs. Gen X is probably the worst season naming since One World, World’s Apart or the questionable label of favourites – and fans for that matter – in Caramoan.

But we can work through that because (U.S.) Survivor is finally back and once again Probsty begged me to fly out to a tropical location to entertain him during his days off and comfort the cast as they roll through Loser Lodge.

Will the season continue the winning ways of Cambodia and Kaôh Rōng? Well I can’t spoil but I’m confident you’ll survive the wait to find out!

Join me Friday (and sometimes Saturday) after the episodes as  I comfort the losers and provide you with unprecedented post-boot coverage!

Picture source: Monty Brinton / CBS Entertainment.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Megan Marshmallys

Dessert, Emmy Gold, Snack, Sweets

We’ve made it – day five of my Emmy Week celebrations is finally here and there is no one I’d rather catch-up with than the dear Megan Mullally.

As you know, Megsy and I have been close friends for close to 30 years since my fluffer days in the 80s, through my role as her Maid of Dishonour and even survived my feud with Debra Messing during Will & Grace, which shut down the set more than 200 times and advising her to be in You, Me and the Apocalypse.

The only thing Megsy loves more than partying with Nick and I, is black market gambling so was hella keen to run the  odds for the remaining categories – we felt that we had well and truly covered off on the Comedy odds.

Oh Master of None will win Best Comedy and Actor, FYI.

In addition, Sarah Poulson will pip K Dunst, Game of Thrones will win drama, Rami Malek will win my heart / Best Actor, Viola will rob Tatiana and My Girl Chlumsky will finally bag herself an Emmy and that is as far as I can remember on account of our boozy ways.

I do remember, however, that my Megan Marshmallys were the perfect sweetener to the sting that she wasn’t attending – thank god I’ve got Kit!

 

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Marshmallows – dry, powdery and sickeningly sweet? Yes. But freshly made, these babies truly sing – delicately melting in your mouth and filling your heart with joy.

Who will take home the gongs? Join me Sunday/Monday – timezone dependent – as I live blog the event while hosting the E! Red carpet, finalise the script for Jim, attend with Kit, Idris and Tom and act as the results auditor.

Enjoy!

 

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Megan Marshmallys
Makes: 48.

Ingredients
⅔ cup icing sugar, sifted, plus extra for dusting
1kg caster sugar
2 tbsp liquid glucose
¼ cup gelatine powder
4 egg whites
1 tbsp vanilla bean paste
⅔ cup cornflour

Method
Full disclosure, these make an absolute shit-tonne … but they are good (and Megsy and I use them, well, let’s just say there is a fetish) and will get eaten. Quickly.

Line a couple of lamington pans/baking trays with baking paper and generously dust each with icing sugar.

Meanwhile combine the caster sugar and glucose with 400ml of water in a saucepan and stir over low heat until the sugar dissolves. Crank up the heat to medium and bring to the boil, cooking for 3-5 minutes or until a sugar thermometer reaches 110-120°C.

While that is cooking, combine the gelatine with 400ml of freshly boiled water and allow to stand for five minutes, or until glossy and clear. Once ready, whisk through the sugar syrup and remove from the heat.

Now get to work on the meringue and beat the eggwhites until stiff peaks. And I mean stiff peaks. I once peaked too soon, in that I didn’t have stiff peaks, resulting in a marshmallow that has meringue on top and a layer of what looked like aspic or lard below.

Anyway, with the mixer still on, gradually – and again, gradual is the key part of this step – add the sugar syrup until all combined. Beat for a further 10 minutes, until the mixture is thick and glossy. Remove from the mixer, fold through the vanilla, spread amongst the pans and chill until firm, an hour or two.

Combine the cornflour and icing sugar in a shallow dish.

Remove the marshmallow from the fridge, cut into squares and roll in the powdery mixture. Stand to dry on a metal rack for an hour or so before devouring.

Store any extra in an airtight container, though storing them scares me. Mainly because I don’t understand not gorging.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Yuzu Aduba Chicken

Emmy Gold, Main, Poultry

Holy snub, batman!

Finally I’m catching up with a past winner who isn’t going for a gong this year, but really, at what cost. How in the world does the queen of chocolate and vanilla swirls, erotica and small buns not score a third consecutive nom/win?

But seriously. Crazy-eyes, no nomination? Crazy.

Despite what would obviously be disappointment, Uzo is such an absolute treasure that she hasn’t taken me up on any offers to send anthrax to the nominees that stole her place and nor does she want me to pull a Kanye dressed as Bob the Drag Queen dressed as Uzo as Crazy-Eyes in Snatch Game.

Honestly though, that is just classic Uzo. She has always had the sweetest heart and is arguably the kindest person I’ve ever met.

We first connected while attending Boston University and quickly grew to be the best of friends. As the only two people to be studying classical singing on the track and field team, that was kind of bound to happen.

After graduation, we packed up and farewelled Boston to try her luck on the big white way. It became abundantly clear that my chequered past was going to stand in the way of her success, so I wished her luck and fled – only finding joy in watching her career flourish in my absence.

Fast forward to 2012 and I started developing a little show for Netflix under the pseudonym Jenji Kohan – Benji/Jenji, I’m surprised no one has twigged before – and I knew there was nobody else that could play the role of Crazy Eyes.

I was reticent to bring up the odds for this year’s nominees but sweet Uzo knows how important gambling is to me – I mean, she hosted six of my nine gambling addiction interventions – so felt it was her duty to assist me. Yes it is questionable given my past, but she is too damn nice and didn’t want to upset me further after I found out her plus one was already taken.

With that, we agreed that Lena would snag Supporting Actress in a Drama Series for her bad-ass ascension to the throne and celebrated Ames and Teens taking out the Guest Actress in a Comedy win.

We also agreed that my Yuzu Aduba Chicken is an absolute must.

 

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There is nothing better than chicken with a bit of citrus up the butt. I know there is a science – well assume but want to sound like I know what I’m talking about, which I won’t if it is actually wrong – behind the citric acid, steam and the chicken cavity that makes it so tender and juicy, but do we care about science? I mean, I’ve slept with Bill Nye but beyond that I’ve got no interest in science.

No matter where you stand on the caring-about-science-spectrum, this chicken is fucking delicious. Add in a cheeky little slaw and it almost makes up for the most egregious snubbings of 2016.

Enjoy!

 

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Yuzu Aduba Chicken
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 large chicken
1-2 yuzu, size dependent
2 garlic cloves, crushed
2 tsp ginger, grated
25g unsalted butter, melted
2 tbsp light soy sauce
½ tsp sesame oil
1 tbsp peanut oil
½ tsp caster sugar
black sesame seeds, to serve
yuzu/lemon/lime wedges, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C.

Place the chicken in a large roasting dish, pierce the yuzu with a skewer and shove square up the butt/cavity. Rub with a bit of peanut oil, season and chuck in the oven for an hour and twenty minutes.

Meanwhile, combine garlic, ginger, butter and half the soy sauce in a bowl. After the chicken has been in the oven for twenty minutes, baste with the marinade and continue every fifteen minutes or so to get crispy, sticky skin. If it starts to get too blackened, cover in foil.

Once the chicken is done, remove from the oven, cover with foil and then a tea towel and rest for fifteen minutes. After it has steamed in its juices, uncover, carve and serve with a light asian salad and a sprinkling of why-they-gotta-be-black-sesame-seeds (spoiler: they taste better) and a wedge of yuzu (or lemon or lime).

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.