Sugar

Megan Marshmallys

Dessert, Emmy Gold, Snack, Sweets

We’ve made it – day five of my Emmy Week celebrations is finally here and there is no one I’d rather catch-up with than the dear Megan Mullally.

As you know, Megsy and I have been close friends for close to 30 years since my fluffer days in the 80s, through my role as her Maid of Dishonour and even survived my feud with Debra Messing during Will & Grace, which shut down the set more than 200 times and advising her to be in You, Me and the Apocalypse.

The only thing Megsy loves more than partying with Nick and I, is black market gambling so was hella keen to run the  odds for the remaining categories – we felt that we had well and truly covered off on the Comedy odds.

Oh Master of None will win Best Comedy and Actor, FYI.

In addition, Sarah Poulson will pip K Dunst, Game of Thrones will win drama, Rami Malek will win my heart / Best Actor, Viola will rob Tatiana and My Girl Chlumsky will finally bag herself an Emmy and that is as far as I can remember on account of our boozy ways.

I do remember, however, that my Megan Marshmallys were the perfect sweetener to the sting that she wasn’t attending – thank god I’ve got Kit!

 

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Marshmallows – dry, powdery and sickeningly sweet? Yes. But freshly made, these babies truly sing – delicately melting in your mouth and filling your heart with joy.

Who will take home the gongs? Join me Sunday/Monday – timezone dependent – as I live blog the event while hosting the E! Red carpet, finalise the script for Jim, attend with Kit, Idris and Tom and act as the results auditor.

Enjoy!

 

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Megan Marshmallys
Makes: 48.

Ingredients
⅔ cup icing sugar, sifted, plus extra for dusting
1kg caster sugar
2 tbsp liquid glucose
¼ cup gelatine powder
4 egg whites
1 tbsp vanilla bean paste
⅔ cup cornflour

Method
Full disclosure, these make an absolute shit-tonne … but they are good (and Megsy and I use them, well, let’s just say there is a fetish) and will get eaten. Quickly.

Line a couple of lamington pans/baking trays with baking paper and generously dust each with icing sugar.

Meanwhile combine the caster sugar and glucose with 400ml of water in a saucepan and stir over low heat until the sugar dissolves. Crank up the heat to medium and bring to the boil, cooking for 3-5 minutes or until a sugar thermometer reaches 110-120°C.

While that is cooking, combine the gelatine with 400ml of freshly boiled water and allow to stand for five minutes, or until glossy and clear. Once ready, whisk through the sugar syrup and remove from the heat.

Now get to work on the meringue and beat the eggwhites until stiff peaks. And I mean stiff peaks. I once peaked too soon, in that I didn’t have stiff peaks, resulting in a marshmallow that has meringue on top and a layer of what looked like aspic or lard below.

Anyway, with the mixer still on, gradually – and again, gradual is the key part of this step – add the sugar syrup until all combined. Beat for a further 10 minutes, until the mixture is thick and glossy. Remove from the mixer, fold through the vanilla, spread amongst the pans and chill until firm, an hour or two.

Combine the cornflour and icing sugar in a shallow dish.

Remove the marshmallow from the fridge, cut into squares and roll in the powdery mixture. Stand to dry on a metal rack for an hour or so before devouring.

Store any extra in an airtight container, though storing them scares me. Mainly because I don’t understand not gorging.

 

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Yuzu Aduba Chicken

Emmy Gold, Main, Poultry

Holy snub, batman!

Finally I’m catching up with a past winner who isn’t going for a gong this year, but really, at what cost. How in the world does the queen of chocolate and vanilla swirls, erotica and small buns not score a third consecutive nom/win?

But seriously. Crazy-eyes, no nomination? Crazy.

Despite what would obviously be disappointment, Uzo is such an absolute treasure that she hasn’t taken me up on any offers to send anthrax to the nominees that stole her place and nor does she want me to pull a Kanye dressed as Bob the Drag Queen dressed as Uzo as Crazy-Eyes in Snatch Game.

Honestly though, that is just classic Uzo. She has always had the sweetest heart and is arguably the kindest person I’ve ever met.

We first connected while attending Boston University and quickly grew to be the best of friends. As the only two people to be studying classical singing on the track and field team, that was kind of bound to happen.

After graduation, we packed up and farewelled Boston to try her luck on the big white way. It became abundantly clear that my chequered past was going to stand in the way of her success, so I wished her luck and fled – only finding joy in watching her career flourish in my absence.

Fast forward to 2012 and I started developing a little show for Netflix under the pseudonym Jenji Kohan – Benji/Jenji, I’m surprised no one has twigged before – and I knew there was nobody else that could play the role of Crazy Eyes.

I was reticent to bring up the odds for this year’s nominees but sweet Uzo knows how important gambling is to me – I mean, she hosted six of my nine gambling addiction interventions – so felt it was her duty to assist me. Yes it is questionable given my past, but she is too damn nice and didn’t want to upset me further after I found out her plus one was already taken.

With that, we agreed that Lena would snag Supporting Actress in a Drama Series for her bad-ass ascension to the throne and celebrated Ames and Teens taking out the Guest Actress in a Comedy win.

We also agreed that my Yuzu Aduba Chicken is an absolute must.

 

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There is nothing better than chicken with a bit of citrus up the butt. I know there is a science – well assume but want to sound like I know what I’m talking about, which I won’t if it is actually wrong – behind the citric acid, steam and the chicken cavity that makes it so tender and juicy, but do we care about science? I mean, I’ve slept with Bill Nye but beyond that I’ve got no interest in science.

No matter where you stand on the caring-about-science-spectrum, this chicken is fucking delicious. Add in a cheeky little slaw and it almost makes up for the most egregious snubbings of 2016.

Enjoy!

 

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Yuzu Aduba Chicken
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 large chicken
1-2 yuzu, size dependent
2 garlic cloves, crushed
2 tsp ginger, grated
25g unsalted butter, melted
2 tbsp light soy sauce
½ tsp sesame oil
1 tbsp peanut oil
½ tsp caster sugar
black sesame seeds, to serve
yuzu/lemon/lime wedges, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C.

Place the chicken in a large roasting dish, pierce the yuzu with a skewer and shove square up the butt/cavity. Rub with a bit of peanut oil, season and chuck in the oven for an hour and twenty minutes.

Meanwhile, combine garlic, ginger, butter and half the soy sauce in a bowl. After the chicken has been in the oven for twenty minutes, baste with the marinade and continue every fifteen minutes or so to get crispy, sticky skin. If it starts to get too blackened, cover in foil.

Once the chicken is done, remove from the oven, cover with foil and then a tea towel and rest for fifteen minutes. After it has steamed in its juices, uncover, carve and serve with a light asian salad and a sprinkling of why-they-gotta-be-black-sesame-seeds (spoiler: they taste better) and a wedge of yuzu (or lemon or lime).

 

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Kat Dumonte Cristo

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Craig got a clue … to the idol before a pair of downright sexually explicit challenges led to Vavau heading to tribal council. Somewhere in that time Rohan secretly slipped Phoebe his idol, saving her and sending him out of the game.

We opened at Vavau where Phoebe was left all alone swearing the death of Kat – and I assume the entire resort wear category – while Craig tried to perk her up and congratulate the play, despite him now being the only physically strong person left on the tribe.

The next day Andrew continued to rapidly outgrow his britches and gloated about his perfectly executed game. Shame he can’t perfectly execute the phrase shooting fish in a barrel.

He is the smartest person here, remember.

After Craig had an unsuccessful jaunt down the beach to find the idol, Kat approached Phoebe to rub salt in the wounds as the vultures – literally (… well maybe, all birds look murderous to me) – circled.

Finally we got a Saanapu proof of life where Lee and Sam continued with last night’s homoeroticism and celebrated their bromance, while the tribe enjoyed the life of luxury – making me wish Kat had lucked her way on to this tribe – and El appeared to be the only person thinking about the game started work on finding the cracks within the OG Saanapu.

Back at Vavau, Phoebe knew she was screwed so went searching for the idol with far more success than Craig. While Phoebs was enjoying a high point, the rest of the tribe were feeling dejected and defeated heading into the immunity challenge. While they are right to be scared, I feel Saanapu’s arrogance offers them hope for the future.

Though not today, they totally lost the challenge. Thanks to Andrew – self-proclaimed smartest person in the game – who struggled to recognise a large cartoon octopus in the puzzle and then completely gave up, leaving Kate to struggle on by herself.

We returned to Vavau where Andrew continued to sound like the NRA and focus on the need for guns and shooting, arrogantly assumed he was in control and continued to butcher phrases whilst throwing the target on Kat with nine lives.

Kate continued to win me over by talking to Craig about flipping the vote on Andrew who is as useful in challenges as he is with colloquialisms. The rest of OG Aganoa also realised that Andy was complete and utter dead weight, and turned their attention on him.

Then Phoebe shared the fact she found an idol with the girls forcing Kristie’s resting bitch face to work overtime.

We arrived at tribal council where JoJo gave a little bit of sass and some snide remarks about the poor decision to send Rohan home. Once again, Phoebe played hard at tribal, Sue showed her fire and Andrew professed his puzzle prowess, despite the fact he literally gave up during one in the last immunity challenge.

Then Kat happened, made Phoebe and Kristie shit their pants and confused the hell out of me as they went to the vote.

Sadly it was all for nothing as Kat made her way out of the game, hopefully taking Andy’s bastardisation of the English language with her.

As you’ve probably been able to guess, Kat and I first connected while modelling together for Trent Resort and Resort Report. We travelled the country, making in store appearances in DJs and becoming the best of friends.

I knew that Kat would only want one thing after arriving at loser lodge, my famed Kat Dumonte Cristo.

 

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After a hard morning on the shop floor wooing rich octogenarian women, this little beauty was the only thing we could stomach. Decadent, rich and altogether delicious, it was everything those old ladies told us we weren’t. Perfect too, when you’ve just be voted out of your tribe.

Enjoy!

 

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Kat Dumonte Cristo
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
4 thick slices of sourdough
Dijon mustard
mayonnaise
1 cup gruyere cheese, grated
4-8 slices ham, size and preference dependent
2 large eggs
¼ cup milk
good whack of salt and pepper
pinch ground nutmeg
2 tbsp butter
icing sugar
4-6 cornichons

Method
Lay out the bread on a chopping board, spread mustard on two slices and mayonnaise on the others. Layer some gruyere, ham and some gruyere again on two of the slices and top with the others. I know it goes without saying, but make sure each sandwich has both a mayo slice and the mustard. I KNOW but lower common denominator, you know?

Meanwhile whisk together the egg, milk, salt and pepper and nutmeg in a large shallow bowl, and dip each sandwich in the egg mixture, turning once or twice to ensure they are adequately coated.

In a large frying pan, melt the butter over medium-low heat until foamy and beautiful – is there anything more beautiful than foamy butter? Reduce heat to low and add the sandwiches and fry for a about five minutes a side, turning only once, until they are golden and beautiful on both sides.

Serve piping hot with a dusting of icing sugar and a couple of little cornichons. I mean, we aren’t animals!

 

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Banh Gan Haining

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor, new Saanapu and new Vavau got to know each other before Aganoa stunned Vavau and the Australian public by staging an epic comeback, sending new-Vavau to tribal council and dear Baz to loser lodge.

We opened up at Vavau where Jennah Louise assures us that they are still OG strong, despite Barry’s axing. I mean, I love Baz but you can’t play with a question mark so I get it. Contrast that with Conner’s pity party misdirect and Andrew and Kate swooping on the old Saanapus and we know that Jennah Louise is clearly wrong and we are witnessing the beginning of the end of old Vavau.

Meanwhile over on Saanapu, Nick was working overtime to prove his worth while Tegan commenced sharpening the knife for his back. Nick continued in the tradition of Australian Survivor and started to overplay and scared the rest of his tribe before we finally got to hear something meaningful from Tegan. I almost miss her invisible edit.

Off topic but did Aganoa get wiped out by the waves from the first episode and I missed it?

Seriously, we’re back at Vavau? Congratulations Aganoa, you’re clearly not attending tribal any time soon! Neither may Kate as her armpit has developed a boil to rival Mt St Neal and I’m praying for a medevac just so I can stop looking at it.

Finally Jonathan gave us proof that Aganoa are alive before a tough barrel racing reward for corporate sponsorship Hungry Jacks. I mean, fucking delicious…but there was no mention of onion rings, so not worth it. Despite a massive come from behind, Aganoa were unable to pull off the win returning to their losing ways and a whopper-less camp.

I assume that after downing their reward – particularly Saanapu with the soft drinks – they all blew-out their rectums pretty hardcore, so really the heartbroken Aganoa tribe are the true winners.

As are we for getting to experience Lee sharing his heart with us. Benjamin Carseldine sounds nice, doesn’t it?

The whoppers disappeared – off topic, but couldn’t they spring for the star HJs burger the Bacon Deluxe – and we went straight into immunity where a member from each tribe had to suspend another over water until someone dropped. Writing the jokes for me, Matt the magician made Brooke disappear sending Saanapu back to tribal, meaning Aganoa finally got to experiencing outnumbering another tribe.

Well, that is if Kate isn’t taken out by the monster boil/infection under her armpit. After what was probably the most disturbing scene I’ve seen, Dr Briony – not as good as the vintage US doctors (I want to say her name was Ramona circa Samoa/Heroes vs. Villains) but will do – was able to drain the boulder and keep Kate in the game for another few days to see how it heals.

Back at Saanapu, the scrambling commenced with Tegan and Nick trying to throw the target onto Kylie, while the OG girls focused on getting rid of Nick and Matt turned his attention to getting rid of Tegan. Needless to say, by the time they walked off to tribal I was horrifically confused and in need of some booze.

After some very basic and obviously maths from Jonathan, Nick and Tegan scrambled hard and Kylie played her idol before Tegan made her way to loser lodge and my loving arms.

Of course I am close friends with Tegan, after meeting at Beckingham Palace when she was David’s personal trainer and I was the kids au pair, surrogate momager and lil Vicky’s BFF.

Despite having a rocky start to the relationship after she was employed by David to replace the naked Greco Roman wrestling regime I was training him, we eventually grew close (after I discovered she would never be able to usurp my place in Dave’s heart) and I knew that my face and a big Banh Gan Haining.

 

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To be fair, I’d never made these before my time in Samoa but I knew these were her fave from our time with the Beckhams, where she’d demand their chef make them thrice daily. But with the strong whack of lime, cutting through the silky, sweet coconut, who could blame her? Obviously feel free my violent criminal style of decanting – yes they look bad … but don’t hold it against them.

Enjoy!

 

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Banh Gan Haining
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1 cup caster sugar
⅓ cup water
400ml coconut milk
1 ½ cups milk
6 eggs, lightly whisked
½ cup firmly packed muscovado sugar
1 tsp vanilla bean paste
zest of a lime

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Combine the caster sugar and the water in saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring, for a couple of minutes or until the sugar has dissolved. Crank the heat up to high and bring to the boil. Cook, this time sans stirring for a couple of minutes or until golden. Remove from the heat and pour into 6 ramekins. Set aside to set.

While they are hardening up, whisk the milks, egg, brown sugar, vanilla and lime zest in a large bowl until combined. Strain through a fine sieve and pour into each ramekin.

Place the ramekins in a baking dish, fill the baking dish with boiling water so it comes half up the edges of the ramekins and bake for half an hour, or until just set.

Remove from the water bath and transfer to a wire rack to cool for an hour. Transfer to a baking sheet, cover with cling and refrigerate overnight to chill.

When you’re ready, remove the ramekins from the fridge half an hour before serving, run a warmed knife around the edge and carefully transfer to a plate. Obviously I ignored the careful part of the process.

Devour.

Recipe adapted from Taste.com.au

 

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Bluebarry Lea Muffins

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor dear, sweet #gastrointestinaldistress sufferer / hunger striker Pete quit the game, saving an ailing Aganoa from themselves. Then after a back and forth of which Aganoa would be the next to go, they won immunity and escaped the double tribal, tribal swap which sent Conner to Vavau and Nick to Saanapu with very hurt feelings.

Thankfully they were each able to throw someone under the bus with them and taking Sam and Tegan respectively.

Yep – believe the hype, this was one of the biggest episodes of Survivor I’ve ever seen. The worst part is I was so blackout drunk trying to woo the crew, that I completely forgot it was a non-elimination ep and tried to madly recap the episode for no reason.

Embarrassing.

Anyway, we opened back back at Vavau and Saanapu where the swap victims acclimatised to their new tribes. While I understand the bitterness, the other option was getting booted … so if it was me (Jon Jon, call me for 2017), i’d just be happy to get another chance rather than going home.

I mean, a second chance changed a legacy for Wentworth!

Meanwhile back with the former reigning losers Aganoa, the clouds rolled in ominously but they woke up on day 13 with triumphant music, confusing the crap outta me. Then I saw Lee, thanked God for Father’s Day (#daddy) and understood the creative choice.

Ok Lee, you’re wearing me down and will soon join my all female dream finale, OK?

Back on Vavau the shade was heavy and that is ignoring the clouds, Jennah-Louise and Craig were thrilled to be free of Nick and his tricks. While poor Sam was feeling screwed, rightfully but not in the right way, you know?

Over on his former home, Flick struggled to enunciate the word “new” before the English teacher nick arrived to spew some understandable vitriol and use some biblical references.

Do not make me Tyra you Nick. No.

Then Brooke happening and worked her way back into my heart and Nick out of Tegan’s. Or vice versa, to be honest there are a lot of brunette females and I’m struggling to tell them apart between lecherous glances at the men.

Bring back my Lee.

After Nick found a crack and Barry had a meaningful confessional, Jon Jon returned to the screen for a classic immunity challenge building rods and penetrating things before getting the fire going. BRING ON SMUTTY PROBST PUNS!

Saanapu first on their pole. Vavau now working their pole.

Hello heaven, I live here.

After having a good crack at it, stretching it further and further Vavau and Sannapu’s long sticks won out in penetrating the wall before and Saanapu were able to secure immunity after getting their wood out.

Then Aganoa had an amazing come from behind win – seriously this challenge wrote itself – sending Vavau to their first legit tribal council.

They returned back to camp and immediately got back to work scrambling amongst old tribal lines, with Kate leading the charge to get some screen time while acting as the runner between old Saanapu and OG Vavau.

Then Conner happened and Barry and Craig found their way on the block before a blistering tribal council where Barry announced his arrival to the game, Kate ominously announced she had made her way into the majority and Barry found his way to loser lodge as the fifth boot as soon as he started to play.

Obviously I knew Baz from my rugby days where we played on the field together until my lewd acts forced me to play solely off field. Thankfully Baz never held that against and took me under his wing – which spoiler alert, is a lot nicer than being under Kate’s.

The least I could do, was whip him up a batch of my Bluebarry Lea Muffins to dull the pain of his loss.

 

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Sweet, tart and hot when fresh, these fluffy delights are everything that Baz loved about me back in the day. Enjoy!

Who will join us tomorrow?

 

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Bluebarry Lea Muffins
Makes: 12 small, 6 Texan.

Ingredients
75g unsalted butter,
200g plain flour
½ tsp bicarb of soda
2 tsp baking powder
75g caster sugar
pinch of salt
200ml buttermilk
1 large egg
zest of one lemon
200g blueberries

Method
Preheat oven to 180C and line a 12 hole muffin tray with cases.

Melt the butter in the microwave and set aside to cool.

Combine all the dry ingredients in a bowl and whisk together the buttermilk, egg, zest and melted butter in another.

Using a wooden spoon, add the wet ingredients to the dry and lightly together until just combined. Like me, the mixture fucking hates to be overworked.

Fold in the blueberries, with minimal effort and spoon the mixture amongst the muffin cases.

Chuck them in the oven and bake for about 20 minutes, or golden, firm and standing tall.

Obvs penetrate them with a skewer to see if it comes out clean. Just let that wording marinate a little. Beautiful, no?

 

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Peter Friegands

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor we welcomed Mr G to the loser lodge room after all tribe’s volunteers chose to deceive their tribes for a clue to the hidden immunity idol and Rohan – again, the swimsuit model – lost the clue amongst his own idol.

We once again opened on the ailing Aganoa where Kat – again, spokesmodel for Resort Report – was thankful to once again escape the boot. Thankfully she knew where to place the praise, on my new Kween Phoebe.

After a run down of the web Pheebs is spinning, we dropped by the OG Kween Kylie’s tribe where Peter was once again firmly on struggle street. We quickly checked in on Vavau where Craig was organising Yum Cha for lunch where Nick was trying to get himself back into Craig’s good graces. Hint Nick, give him a pork bun and a wonton and I think he’d forgive you.

Back on Aganoa, Rohan continued to wear more clothes than most underwear models while looking for the idol. Needless to say, this was making me very sad. Thankfully he found the idol and I can live in hope that we’re in for a tonne of bulge discussion like the US version.

Either way, Pheebs is also growing tired of Rohan. I assume for the same reasons, the thirst is real.

Meanwhile over at Saanapu, Peter’s Osten Taylor arc took a turn for the Janu where he committed to finding the idol for Kylie before falling on his sword before we were treated to my favourite editing move, highlighting how close the castaways are to the hidden immunity idol while desperately searching. It gives me life.

Back on Vavau we got a bit more context as to why Craig was ordering out as they haven’t had fire for three days, after destroying their flint. Knowing that I was close to turning on the tribe and laughing hysterically at their flailings, Kate opened up about her near death experience, emerging as my latest favourite. For those playing along, I really like a strong female castaway.

My previous new favourite castaway – Phoebe – was meanwhile struggling with Rohan’s potential betrayal after keeping the idol for himself, despite agreeing to give it to her.

After so much drama, my Jojo made his way back to the screen for the immunity challenge where Vavau experienced a massive come from behind to once again win immunity – well came in second – sending Aganoa back to their second home, tribal council.

Once back at camp Phoebe got to work playing the role of the godfather, filling me with both pride and giddiness as she threatened Rohan, threw him under the bus with Lee and lulled him into a false sense of security before…

Oh wait, now we’re at Saanapu begging the question – Miley, what’s good? As far as Peter was concerned, absolutely nothing and after being sick and not eating for two weeks, he quit the game leaving Kylie as an island sans idol.

We quickly bounced back to Aganoa at tribal council where after stirring the pot, Jonathan announced that with Petey’s quit they didn’t have to go through with the vote meaning we won’t know who’s throat Phoebe was going to cut next. I am not as confident as Kat that she would have gone – oh well, we’ll find out tomorrow when they lose the next immunity challenge, right?

I was very shocked to see Pete arrive at Loser Lodge while it was still daylight outside and I was well into my afternoon drinking session – where Jojo feeds me grapes before he has to dart off to tribal. I first met Pete in the 90s while working as an air traffic controller together, I was quickly fired when it was discovered that I neither had the required skills for the job nor the care for focussing on the public’s safety.

While I was cast out of the community, Pete took me under his wing and has tried to encourage me to live a better life. He may not have had much success with making me a better person but he clearly did enough for me to pick up on the fact he was desperate for my Peter Friegands after his quit.

 

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Sour, sweet and a delicately robust, these babies are the perfect thing to bring you back to health after two weeks shuttling towards death on an island. So obviously, enjoy!

 

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Peter Friegands
Makes: 12.

Ingredients
160g unsalted butter, melted and cooled, plus extra to brush
100g plain flour, plus extra
200g icing sugar, plus extra to dust
125g almond meal
6 egg whites
1 lemon, zested finely
1 cup raspberries

Lemon icing
180g icing sugar, sifted
juice of the aforementioned lemon

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Prepare the friand pan by brushing it with a little melted butter, dust with a little flour and shake out the excess.

Sift the dry ingredients together into a large bowl.

Meanwhile place the egg whites in a small bowl and lightly whisk with a fork until frothy. Fold through the dry ingredients, followed by the melted butter and lemon zest and then finally the raspberries.

Divide the batter evenly amongst the holes and bake for about 20 minutes, or until golden and an inserted skewer comes out clean – you know the drill! Allow them to cool in the pan for about five minutes before turning out onto a wire rack to cool.

While they cool, mix together the icing sugar and the juice. When the friands are hella chill, drizzle generously with the icing and devour, happily.

 

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Kanyebullar

Baking, Bread, Cake, Dessert, Sweets

In the wise words of my dear friend Kanye and I, that that that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger. Oh, haven’t I mentioned I co-wrote Stronger? Well I did but then Kans changed it to be more his style and stole it for himself – I leant my version to Lena Dunham (who I must catch-up with soon) for Marnie’s triumphant performance after crashing Charlie’s party.

Anyway, documenting 200 celebrity catch-ups has been hard work – what with the jetting around, traveling through time and the emotional drain of making so many amends – but it has been so rewarding and has only made me stronger.

If that is possible.

I am so thankful that you’ve joined me in this journey. I mean, I’m not at all surprised by my success given the fact that my friends are A-list and I am arguably more talented than Boomer Phelps’ is cute / successful at the 2032 Olympic Games but I am thankful that you’ve taken the time to support me.

Better start talking about Kanye, lest I want to start a new feud.

To mark my momentous 200th catch-up, I gave Kan a call knowing that no one – living or dead – would be as self-important enough to help me celebrate such an honour! I mean, after banging Skarsy for my 50th and gossiping with the best Knowles (sorry Kanye) for my 100th, I really needed to up the ante, spectacle-y speaking.

I first met Kanye in the 80s while running a professor scam at Nanjing University. Kans’ mum was teaching at the uni and offered her son to act as my language tutor. While I generally don’t respond well to authority figures, I quickly bonded with Kanye over our love of music.

Despite being run out of Nanjing after the uni learnt that I wasn’t a teacher and nor could I speak Chinese, we stayed in contact and have been making beautiful music ever since.

While Kanye was still a bit sore about it taking so long to catch-up, I was able to quickly win him back with the reminder that I introduced him to his dear wife Kimmy.

Oh and he is an absolute fiend for a big ole Kanyebullar.

 

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Now I know that technically these beauties aren’t pronounced like Kanye, the spelling and grandeur of the man and the rolls mean that you have to overlook that fact. Ok?

And yes, that is a threat.

It is a fact universally acknowledged/assumed that Kanye is a man that loves a big ole bun (see Kim breaking the internet and the fact I am referred to as Benny from the Block) and these treats prove it. Spicy, soft and oh-so-sweet, they melt in your mouth and leave you wanting more.

More, more … which is what we’ll give you – thanks for the support these last 200 catch-ups!

Enjoy!

 

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Kanyebullar (adapted from an SBS recipe)
Makes: a shit tonne (aka 24-32, depending on how you chop it … literally).

Ingredients
175g unsalted butter, chopped
2 cups milk
7g sachet active dry yeast
125g caster sugar
1 tsp salt
2 tsp ground cardamon
6 cups plain flour

Cinnamon butter
150g unsalted butter, chopped at room temperature
⅔ cup caster sugar
2 tbsp ground cinnamon
2 eggs
pearl or raw sugar, to sprinkle

Method
Melt the butter in a saucepan over low heat. Remove from the heat, add the milk, stir to combine and leave to cool to just under 40°C. Stir in the yeast, sugar, salt and cardamon, and leave to foam for about five minutes.

Transfer the liquid to a large bowl of an electric mixer and slowly add the flour, stirring by hand with the dough hook. When it is starting to come together, attach the dough hook and turn the mixer on medium speed until smooth, a couple of minutes.

Remove the dough to an oiled (second) large bowl, cover with a tea towel and leave to prove until doubled in size, about an hour and a half.

While it is proving, mash the butter in a bowl and combine with the sugar and cinnamon until smooth.

Preheat the oven to 225°C.

Once the dough is ready, knock it back, turn it out onto a floured bench and roll it out until it is a large ½cm rectangle. Smear – who doesn’t love a good smear, amirite – the cinnamon butter very liberally over the top and roll the dough lengthways to form a long cylinder.

Slice the cinnamon, doughy sausage in half, half again … and half again, and half again (or just evenly, depending on how tall you want them to be) until you reach the magic number – I prefer mine to be fat, so cut the 8 into 3 to make 24.

Place each disc in a flattened paper cupcake and leave them to sit, a couple of centimetres apart on baking sheets. When they are all lined up, cover with a tea towel and allow to prove a further 30 minutes.

When they are ready to roll – pun obviously intended – whisk the eggs and brush the buns before coating liberally with sugar.

Bake for 10 minutes or until golden and glorious. Then devour, they are amazing warm.

And thanks again for the support!

 

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Mint Julie Delpy

Drink

I was sitting on my balcony, melancholic after Caz’s departure and knowing that the swim events are nearly over and my basement will be dried up.

As the tears streamed down my face, the afternoon sun caught my eye as the cold August – remember, I live in Australia, mate etc. – winds hit my face and brought me back to reality. I need a drink and I need to share it with my second favourite Jujubee.

I reached for my phone as the sun continued to set and conveniently saw a message from the divine Julie Delpy.

Turn around, it read.

Like Liza in SaTC 2, had I manifested her?

“Darling,” (because all European people say darling, right Zsa Zsa / Arianna) “I know how depressed you get with the end of the swim events at the Olympics, so I knew that you needed me.”

Despite being extremely concerned about the fact she so easily broke into my house with me sitting five meters from the door without noticing AND the fact she broke in by using an axe to break down the door, she is an Academy Award nominee, French and I love her, so I ran into her arms and cried about the less skin I will be seeing in week two of the games.

I first met Delps in the 1990s while filming Before Sunrise. I was dating Ethan Hawke at the time, hoping that having a relation of Tennessee Williams inside me would make me great. While it made me feel great, our relationship wouldn’t last as I was too busy running scams / being deported.

Unable to return to the US with Ethan, Delps took me in and cured my heartache as we bonded over a mutual love for day drinking.

While it took Delps a while to pull me out of my latest funk, she reminded me that the 100m sprint was still coming up, Bloom and Bieber may continue their peen off and there were drinks to be made. With a sense of duty, I made my way to the bar to whip us up a Mint Julie Delpy while she ran me through the remaining events with scantily clad men.

 

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Like Delps, these delights are sweet and all at once delicate and strong … but maybe that is my heavy handedness with the shots?

Either way – enjoy!

 

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Mint Julie Delpy
Makes: 1.

Ingredients
8 mint leaves, plus a sprig for garnish
1 ½ teaspoons superfine sugar
2 shots bourbon
soda water
ice

Method
Another one of those tough recipes to master today guys!

Place the mint and sugar in the bottom of the glass and muddle together until the leaves are breaking up and releasing their flavour. Add a bit of soda water, add the ice and top with bourbon and soda water to taste. Give it a stir, garnish with a sprig of mint and down.

 

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Peppermint Patti Smith

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Despite the fact that Pats and I created the punk scene in 70s NYC, a wild and rebellious genre in the time before Giuliani cleaned up the streets – I would say when the world was more dangerous … but let’s be honest, the world is fucked – we’ve always had a calm and almost ethereal nature to our friendship.

Think Cate Blanchett and Julie Anne Smith.

Thank fuck for that because we had some shit we needed to work through and if it was any other friend, we likely would have had a public spat and taken Lohan out of the news cycle.

Pats was hurt that – despite admitting singing with Bono was horrifically wrong – she was always willing to forgive me for making mistakes, I couldn’t give her the same respect.

Obviously my first impulse would normally be to burn my building to the ground and vow to never speak to her again … probably calling for a plague on her house in the process, but that calming force she has over me made me see sense and accept that what she was saying, was the truth.

Plus, I was still walking in the clouds, albeit gingerly, from my catch-up with Bob.

Anyway, we did some poetry slam, worked through the pain I caused by stealing Mapplethorpe, wrote some music and resolved all of our issues – even the disgusting Bono slight – over a tonne of Peppermint Patti Smith.

 

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Like their namesake, these treats are effortless, sweet and oh so cool, while balancing the dark and light to fill you with contentedness.

And let’s be honest, what more can I say? Enjoy!

 

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Peppermint Patti Smith
Makes: 24.

Ingredients
200g condensed milk
1 tbsp mint extract
4 cups icing sugar, sieved plus extra
100g dark chocolate

Method
Combine the condensed milk and mint extract in a bowl and place in a stand mixer on low to combine.

With the mixer still on, slowly and gently, add the icing sugar – I cannot stress slowly and gently enough, lest you want the kitchen to look like a combined party of an 80s model, Hitler and the KKK – and stir until combine.

Dust a bench with icing sugar and knead the mixture until smooth and pliable … like Gumby, or me when trying to woo back Skarsy.

Line a couple of baking sheets with baking paper, remove golf ball sized chunks from the sugary ball and flatten into a disc. Repeat until the ball is gone and refrigerate until set, aka a couple of hours.

When they are almost done, bring a small pot of water to the boil and break the chocolate into a just larger than the saucepan sized glass bowl. Without the bowl touching the water, place/hold it over the heat and gently melt the chocolate until thick and glossy. Leave to cool for about five minutes.

Once cooled, remove the minty discs from the fridge and brush/rub with the chocolate. Once complete, return to the fridge and leave to set for a couple of hours.

Then devour and let the coolness wash over you. U2 are still the worst, but let the cool, calm mint wash the rage away.

 

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Bob Harpersimmon Jam

Condiment, Sauce

Have you all recovered from my culinary disaster the other day?

I was feeling very disappointed in myself after Miley went on her way – I mean, how often do I fail (the answer is never, FYI)? Not knowing what to do following my cooking cock-up, I decided to reach out (not around) to my dear friend Bob Harper to help me cheer up and have a culinary win.

And, who am I kidding, he will likely get my cock up, but that’s probably an overshare and you know I have more class than to say something crass like that.

Anyway, I first met Bob after bungling my way off the third season of Australian Biggest Loser. Taking a fellow trainwreck under her wing, Ajay reached out to the recently departed Bobby to see if he could train me privately.

And oh did he train me on that private ranch of his!

As the wise Michael Bolton once said, how can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? Which is proven – in a roundabout kind of way – by the fact our friendship quickly blossomed into a romance until the Feds tracked me down and had me deported.

While my chequered past ruined our romance, we have remained close friends ever since … even since he became a crossfit fan (Survivor Sally is the only person I want to see in knee socks, thank you).

I hadn’t caught up with Bob since his promotion taking over from (another dear friend) Alison Sweeney as the host of TBL, so it was great to hear his take on my frenemy Hatch and discuss his strategy for summer, swimmer selfies. Obviously I was very pushy about him saturating the market – you know I love a tall, pale, strawberry blond!

I always struggle feeding my fit friends, given their penchant for specialty diets, so instead of offering him the wrong thing and having to lie (no Linda McCartney, this is definitely not steak … relax – we’ve all been there, right?), I went with the safer option of my Bob Harpersimmon Jam.

 

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I mean sure, it is pretty much pure sugar … but there is fruit in there, so that counts for something.

And cinnamon is good for you too.

Plus, it is delicious. So enjoy, Bob did …

 

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Bob Harpersimmon Jam
Makes: 500ml.


Ingredients
500ml pulp of ripe persimmons
350g brown sugar
rind of a lemon and juice of ½ lemon
1 cinnamon quill
½ tsp nutmeg
100ml water
1 tsp vanilla extract

Method
Steralise a 500ml capacity jar – I just pour boiling water in a sink and let them sit in there for a bit. This is probably not correct but I don’t have kids so don’t care to learn about steralising bottles. I am yet to get the trots from this method, so I consider this a win?

Combine all the ingredients – except the vanilla – in a heavy bottomed saucepan and bring to the boil over high heat. Cook, stirring occasionally, for about 15 minutes, or until the jam has thickened slightly.

Remove from the heat, discard cinnamon quill, stir through the vanilla and cool for about 10 minutes.

Pour the jam into the steralised (depending on your definition of steralised) jars, seal tightly with the lid. Flip upside down and all to cool. Flip the jars back up, open the lids to release the air and then close them again. Store in a cool, dark dry place for a month … and then devour.

Obvs keep them refrigerated once open, you hear?

 

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