Author: Benjamin Woodley Judd

Michael Flatley Bread

Baking, Bread, Side, Snack

While I know this may shock a lot of you but Michael Flatley is the best Irish dancer in the world (Sharon Strzelecki is a character and therefore ineligible).

Well was.

As you know, Flats broke all of his bones or something – surprisingly I wasn’t involved in anything to cause it – and had to hang up the dancing shoes.

I want to call them clogs, I know they aren’t clogs, but I so desperately want them to be clogs. Could you imagine an Irish dance with people wearing clogs – majestic! Like Bootmen, but less boges.

With Flats off his feet, I decided to reach out and surprisingly he took my call despite the years of smearing his name and character in the tabloids.

(And Heather Mills thought she had bad press).

Anyway, Flats said he only took my call as retirement was making him feel nostalgic for the good old days – when hair was big, we were friends and the dance fiery.

It took a while to warm Flats up to me again but it is always hard to ignore my epic, extended apologies … particularly when they involve dance and end with it raining Michael Flatley Bread.

 

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Like our relationship once was, these breads are warm, soft, spicy and comforting. It is bread, need I say anything more? Delicious!

Enjoy!

 

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Michael Flatley Bread
Makes: 8.

Ingredients
3 cups plain flour
2 ⅓ tbsp baking powder
3 cups natural yoghurt
1 tbsp chilli flakes
zest of 1 lime

Method
Mix all the ingredients together in a bowl with a good pinch of salt.

When it comes together, remove to a floured surface and knead for a couple of minutes. Divide the dough into eight pieces and roll into 2mm thick circles.

Place a skillet over medium heat, brush with olive oil and cook each for 2-3 minutes, turning once or until they are golden and crisp. Devour … alone with something. But what ..?

 

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Lord of the dance

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Picture it, Eurovision, Ireland, 1994.

After years spent lording the dance world with Toni Basil, Nigel & BonBon *spoiler alert* Lythgoe, Candis Cayne,  and Ms. Abdul, I got wind that the ‘94 Eurovision was looking to host a dance break during the show.

Assuming – as a past Eurovision contestant/songwriter – that I would get the job, I travelled over and was shocked to find Michael Flatley on the floor in my place.

Obviously I flew into a jealous rage, obviously I tried to call in a bomb threat (the police knew I was a serial pest and ignored the obviously fake calls) to stop the performance and obviously I feuded with Flatley for over two decades.

But then I heard that he was having bone issues last year and reached out to make amends, now that he wasn’t a threat to my dance dynasty.

What says sorry for the years of bitterness I’ve thrown your way?

Picture source: AP Photo / Henny Ray Abrams, File.

 

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Hickory Clinton Smoked Ribs

Amer-she-can Week, Main

There are no prizes for people that guessed HRC – my fave triple-barrel – is the culmination of Amer-she-can Week. I mean, it was a week celebrating her historic nomination AND independence day after all.

But I was here on official duties – and again, no prizes if you guessed … because I’m too selfish/ a hoarder and wouldn’t give them out if I had any – I’m taking over from Nigella the wonder dog as HRC’s campaign manager AND, wait for it, will be appointed her Chief of Staff after she wins the election in November.

Now don’t worry, Nige and I haven’t fallen out – Annelie is still suffering from her cage-fight induced amnesia and despite excelling in her studies in medicine to cure her ailment, Nigella feels she is needed at home to offer Annelie more support and kindly shoulder tapped me to take over the campaign.

Hizza, Annelie and I have long been friends, having met in Yale in the ‘70s. Annelie was helping me run a scam while I worked as the Executive Vice Dean Chancellor – Hizza knew something odd was up, discovered the scam and got us sent to prison.

While you would think that going back to prison would be the worst, I knew that we’d spend our lives in and out of jail and had prepared for my return by stashing cigarettes around all prisons I had attending thus far, to use as a bartering tool if and when I returned – yes people, I am the person that inspired the character of Vee in OITNB.

Fun fact, I also faked my death by getting run over during an escape too. THIS IS NOT MY REAL NAME.

Anyway, back to Hiz.

We fully expected to go to priz again, so were more impressed by the fact that we were brought down by someone smarter than us and sought her out upon our releases. She was kind enough to take pity on those two junkie grifters she caught all those years before.

Seriously – wouldn’t my life make a killer movie on Lifetime?

Anyway, HRC saw our intelligence shine through our oft scummy behaviour and called upon us to assist in vetting and selecting most of Billy’s high-level positions, running her Senate campaign in the early noughties and acting as unofficial advisors during her time as Secretary of State.

Since we’ve been busy – what with her campaigning and me experiencing resurgent fame – it has been hard to be able to have a physical catch up. Thankfully when I got the call to replace Nigella, I quickly cleared my schedule and am ready to focus on the campaign.

But don’t worry guys, I’ll be able to keep up this anthropological endeavour thanks to time-travel!

Anywho, HRC has this renewed energy after finally securing the nomination and we spent our cook-up plotting the best way to bring down Trump – other than simply letting his mouth end his chances, obviously – and her preferred look for the sequel Clinton White House.

Remember, I’m also her interior designer.

So given the breadth of important topics we had to cover, I needed to make something hearty enough to fuel our beautiful minds and my Hickory Clinton Smoked Ribs are the only thing worthy of the honour.

 

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While yes HRC had requested an international take on the celebratory week, I had to go with something all American for the next POTUS!

Smoky, sweet and a just damn delicious, the pork just falls of this slow-cooked ribs and into your salivating mouth. Seriously, these are amazing and smoking liquid is my new favourite thing.

You get smoked flavouring, you get smoked flavouring – EVERYONE GETS SMOKED FLAVOURING.

Anyway, happy Fourth of July / Amer-she-can Week – you’ll be seeing me whispering in HRC’s ear for the next few months like a hybrid of Gary and Amy. Enjoy!

 

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Hickory Clinton Smoked Ribs
Serves: 4-6, dependent on sides and greed.

Ingredients
2 long racks of pork belly ribs
2 tbsp hickory smoking liquid
100ml orange juice, freshly squeezed
5-10 rosemary stalks

Dry rub
2 tbsp ground fennel seeds
5 cloves, ground
2 tsp ground cumin
2 tbsp smoked paprika
3 sprigs thyme, leaves removed
2 sprigs rosemary, leaves removed
5 cloves garlic, crushed
Salt and pepper, to season

BBQ sauce
½ cup ketchup
1 tsp hot sauce
¼ cup molasses
3 tbsp apple juice
2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp balsamic vinegar
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp sage leaves, finely chopped
1 tbsp hickory smoking liquid

Method
Get out your glorious ribs and baste them on either sides with the smoking liquid, cover and refrigerate for about an hour.

Preheat the oven to 160°C.

Combine all the ingredients for the dry rub, remove the ribs from the fridge and rub the spices into the ribs – again on both sides. Spread some rosemary on the base of a large baking tray that will just fit the ribs and pour over the orange juice and any of the remaining hickory smoke you used the basting. Yes, it seems like a lot but I want the smoke to really hit me. Plus … it seems stronger before the cooking.

Anyway, cover the baking tray tightly with a couple of layers of foil – really tightly –  and bake in the oven for about 4 hours. You’ll know they are done when you try and lift the rack and they start to fall apart and make you salivate.

While the ribs are making your kitchen smell amazing, get to work on the BBQ sauce – which is super difficult – by combining all of the ingredients in a measuring jug.

When your ribs are done, remove from the oven and turn on the grill. Baste the ribs, liberally, with some barbecue sauce and grill – watching the entire time to avoid setting off the fire alarm and getting a massive fine – for about ten minutes or until they are brown, caramelly and sticky.

Devour with chips and slaw and any extra barbecue sauce.

 

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Ruth Bader Gingersbread

Amer-she-can Week, Baking, Cake, Dessert, Sweets

So my Amer-she-can Week celebrations are about to reach their crescendo, so I needed to up the stakes as I made my way to the finish line … and there is no one more bad ass than my second favourite triple-barrel – RBG.

Yep – yesterday I caught up with the dominant force of nature who just so happens to be a close personal friend, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

I first connected with RBG in the ‘60s while I was working at Lund University. She was in town learning Swedish and researching for a book on civil procedure, while I was in town trying to woo myself a Swedish husband and fell into my first academia scam.

Despite only knowing the Swedish equivalent to the lyrics to Lady Marmalade, I took RBG under my wing and was able to teach her enough to write the book and for that, she has always been grateful.

RBG has been super busy lately dominating Texas’ moronic abortion laws, so it was such a treat for her to take the time out and catch up over a big fat piece of Ruth Bader Gingersbread.

 

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While I’m not exactly sure of where to geographically place this delightful cake, it was inspired by a recipe I made from Nigella’s Kitchen so I sold it to Hizza as a firmly, pre-Brexit British dessert.

I used to hate ginger and gingerbread, probably due to the awkward combination of my child tastebuds in the ‘90s and a bad experience with a hard, gross bakery gingerbread. Either way, Nige opened my eyes to the wonders of ginger with this soft, spiced cake.

Then I tinkered with it, slathered on some cream cheese icing and made something as beautifully notorious as RBG.

Enjoy!

 

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Ruth Bader Gingersbread
Serves: 8-12. Or two hardcore pals.

Ingredients
150g butter, plus some for greasing
1 cup golden syrup
1 heaped cup muscovado sugar
1 cup Guinness
1 tbsp ground ginger
2 tsp ground cinnamon
¼ tsp ground cloves
2 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
1 ¼ cups sour cream
2 eggs

Icing
225g cream cheese, at room temperature
150g icing sugar, sieved
80ml thickened cream
½ tsp vanilla extract

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C and grease a large square pan (about 25cm x 25cm).

In a large pan over low heat, melt the butter, syrup, sugar Guinness and spices together. Remove from the heat and whisk through the flour and baking soda thoroughly.

In a small bowl, whisk the sour cream and eggs together before whisking through the spicy, liquored batter.

Pour the batter into the cake pan and bake for about 45 minutes, or until risen, dark and starting to come away from the sides. When done, move the cake to a cooling rack.

While it is cooling, whisk the cream cheese in a large bowl and beat with an electric mixer until smooth and creamy, about a couple of minutes. Beat in the icing sugar, in three parts until fluffy and smooth. Add the cream and vanilla, beating a further minute and cool in the fridge until the cake is completely cooled.

Then, you know the drill, cover the cake with a thick smear of icing and devour.

 

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Colin Kung Powell Chicken

Amer-she-can Week, Main, Poultry

I know what you’ve been thinking, my relationships with all of my recent guests have been strangely harmonious for someone as terrible as me! Don’t worry, I was an absolute jerk to poor Colin Powell when we first met.

You see I was working closely protesting with Jane Fonda during the Vietnam War and Colin invited me for a sit down so that we could discuss his experience. Being young, strung out and generally dislikable, I spent the time abusing Colin.

About a decade later, during a stint in NA, I reached out to Colin in an effort to make amends and given his kind heart, he agreed and we were able to work through all of the problems and trauma I caused for him.

It has been a couple of years since I was last able to catch up with Colin, given how busy and important we both are, so it was great to be able to take some time out, reconnect and discuss the current political landscape and how best to tackle the campaign.

Shit, I might be saying too much – bait your breath, ok?

Anyway in continuing with HRC’s request for a multicultural theme Independence Week celebration, we opted for a big serving of my Colin Kung Powell Chicken.

 

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So you know how I love chilli? This dish makes me pretty damn happy.

While I don’t feel like my insides are liquefying from the heat – which I admit, does disappoint me a bit – it has the perfect balance of sweet and sour rumbling under the strong heat. And that sweet/sour combo makes up for me retaining my organs.

Enjoy!

 

colin-kung-powell-chicken-2

 

Colin Kung Powell Chicken
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
3 tbsp Szechuan peppercorns
¼ cup flour
500g chicken thighs fillets, roughly chopped
vegetable oil
5 cloves of garlic, peeled and minced
1 thumb-sized piece of ginger, peeled and minced
4 shallots, cleaned and finely sliced on an angle
6 dried red chillies
2 tbsp tamari
1 tbsp rice wine vinegar
1 tbsp honey
50g unsalted peanuts, roughly chopped
coriander leaves, to garnish

Method
Heat a large frying pan over high heat and toast the Szechuan peppercorns until golden and fragrant. Pour the peppercorns – can you just call them corns? – into a mortar and pestle and grind until you get a rough powder. Mainly cause they are tough and I’m weak though?

Anyway, pour the ground corns – I’m going with corns – into a large bowl and mix with the flour. Toss through the chicken until it is coated.

Pour a good lug of vegetable oil into the frying pan and return it to a hot hot heat. Add the chicken and fry for 5 minutes, or until crisp, browned and cooked through.

Add the garlic and ginger, the shallots and the dry chillies and fry for a couple of minutes before adding the tamari, vinegar and honey, and cook until reduced and sticky.

Remove from the heat, stir through peanuts, garnish with coriander and devour with a shit tonne of rice.

 

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Madeleines Albright

Amer-she-can Week, Baking, Cake, Dessert, Sweets

If there is anyone that can follow up my date with POTUS, it is Mads All-right. She may be very small, but my girl Madeleine has the biggest heart and legacy I know.

As the first woman to become the Secretary of State – I pushed BC to give her the job on account of the fact that she is a damn saint – Maddy is a pioneer and has long been someone I’ve admired.

We first met on Ellis Island in the ‘40s when she emigrated to America. I had recently arrived from Australia and was trying to be adopted by a kind emigrant family who could fund my pursuit of stardom thinking I had no one. Despite seeing through my sham the Korbelovás were so kind that they took me in anyway and Mads and I quickly formed a close sibling-esque bond.

While I made my way from Long Island to Broadway, I always stayed in contact with Mads and she supported me despite the myriad of crimes and misdemeanours I racked up.

I haven’t seen Mads since the New Hampshire Primary, where I played an integral role in her inclusion of her quote that Taylor Swift likes to lift when feuding with the Poehler-Feys. As you know, it didn’t go down well so I’ve tried to lay low until things blew over.

Thankfully my dear, sweet Mads isn’t one to hold a grudge and we spent yesterday afternoon gabbing – in French, which is the only language we speak together – over a tray of my delightful Madeleines Albright.

 

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Like Mads, these delicate little cakes really pack a punch with the sweet vanilla hitting all the right notes. And then some.

Enjoy!

 

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Madeleines Albright
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
2 cups flour
1 tsp baking powder
salt
6 large eggs, room temperature
1 cup raw caster sugar
2 tbsp muscovado sugar
225g unsalted butter, melted, plus extra for the pan
2 tbsp vanilla extract
icing sugar, for dusting

Method
Whisk the flour, baking powder and a teaspoon salt together in a bowl.

In the large bowl of an electric mixer, whisk the eggs and caster and muscovado sugars on high speed until they are pale and fluffy or about ten minutes.

Remove the bowl from the mixer and fold through the flour in two additions, broken up by folding through half the butter and vanilla.

Cover and refrigerate for a couple of hours while you preheat the oven to 180°C. Remove the batter from the fridge and leave to rest for fifteen minutes.

Butter the madeleine pans with the extra butter and spoon the batter into the pans and bake in the middle of the oven for 8-10 minutes, or until golden and crisp. Remove from the oven and flip them out onto a cooling rack.

Rebutter the moulds and repeat the process until the batter is done.

Dust with icing sugar and devour.

 

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Barack O’lamba

Amer-she-can Week, Main

Happy Fourth of July!

Go big or go home, has long been my motto. Originally in my ads for a sugar daddy in ‘80s West Hollywood – it originally read, go big and I’ll go home – but I’ve digressed.

Since it is his final Fourth in office, Barack has relaxed his stance on the privacy of our annual Fourth cook-out celebration and is letting me take our friendship public. I guess he figures he needs to make the most of his final months.

As I work as HRC’s interior designer – amongst other jobs – I needed to drop in on the White House and take some measurements for the renovations I have planned to make the second Clinton White House the biggest and best sequel ever produced. So this visit – soz Barack – helped me kill two birds one stone.

Well three, considering Michelle and I will be able to release her workout DVD next year, Michelle’s Ob-arm-a-rama System © – a collection of arm workouts set to the classic music of Bananarama.

Anyway, I really need to learn to stay on topic – amirite?

So, I’ve been friends with the Obamas for about thirty years now after meeting Barack in Harvard where I was running a scam as a Law Professor. Despite the fact that I was unqualified, I somehow taught his cohort enough for them to attain their qualifications and pass the bar – I assume that you pick up a thing or two when you’ve spent a life in the courts defending your various crimes – so thankfully Barack never held my indiscretion against me.

Despite not having an official role in the administration, Barack has relied on me to provide advice during his presidency and it is such a thrill to finally be able to share our White House bond with the world.

It was such a joy to be able to sit down – for what will likely be our last time together in the White House – and reminisce about our past and his future, following Michelle and our booming fitness empire (watch your back Bridges).

We needed something hearty and robust to be able to stand up to our deep conversations, so I opted for my (very Australian) Barack of O’lamba.

 

barack-olamba-1

 

Yes, Amer-she-can Week is all about celebrating America, HRC’s upcoming presidency and Independence Day (not the terrible movie and – I assume – its terrible sequel), Barack wanted our final Fourth together in the White House to be more like a state dinner – celebrating the culture of his foreign guest.

Plus, HRC wanted the week to celebrate culinary diversity … unlike any week Trump would have me host. Thankfully we are feuding … and you thought he hated Rosie O?!

And anyway, who can go past succulent lamb on a bed of sharp goat’s cheese, creamy potatoes and blistered tomatoes? Exactly.

Enjoy!

 

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Barack O’lamba
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
6-10 small chat potatoes
1 punnet cherry tomatoes
8-bone rack of lamb
olive oil
1 handful pitted kalamata olives
a bulb of garlic cloves
sea salt
freshly ground black pepper
a few sprigs rosemary
150g feta
olive oil

Method
Preheat the oven to 190°C.

In a large pot of salted water, parboil the potatoes until tender.

Heat a couple of tablespoons of olive oil in a large frying pan over high heat and sear each side of the lamb until golden. Remove from the pan.

Reduce the heat to low and add the potatoes, smash with a spatula and fry each side until crisp. Remove from the heat.

Squeeze the tomatoes to break them and add to the pan with the olives, the leaves of the rosemary and garlic. Empty into a large roasting pan, chuck the lamb on top and cook for about 30-40 minutes, depending on the size of the lamb / whether they’ve devoured roids.

When done, rest the lamb for five minutes and slice into pairs. Serve, crumbling the feta over the garlicky, tomato, potatoes.

Then devour.

* Adapted from a Jamie Oliver recipe.

 

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Amer-she-can!

Amer-she-can Week, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Guys guys guys, relax – Fourth of July is tomorrow and I am in the mood to shake that Conga.

Again.

I was heading over to the grand U S of A to discuss a very exciting job that I’m about to commence – which I’ll announce Friday, so stay tuned – so decided to round up some of my best friends to celebrate Amer-she-can Week in honour of my dear friend (and … TBC) Hizza finally clinching her historic presidential nomination!

Given that it is an election year, I’m sticking to my friends in D.C. so get prepared for a week with gastronomic, governmental gravitas. I want you, to get excited – Amer-she-can Week starts tomorrow!

Now who is stately enough to start off my Hizza celebration?

Picture source: Still from Drop Dead Gorgeous (New Line Cinema Productions, Inc.).

 

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Philly Collins Cheesesteak

Main, Party Food, Snack

It was always going to be an awkward start to my peace feast with Phil, what with the viral infection injection thing. Oh, and the whole gag I sold to South Park about his obsession with his Oscar – FYI, that was totally true and I’m 30% sure he had it on him when he dropped by – and well, I can’t talk about everything else I’ve done to him due to the lingering lawsuits and payouts.

Just trust me when I say that Phil was on the receiving end of one of my top ten most vicious moments.

But then it wasn’t awkward, not even at all. Time apparently heals all wounds as Phil took me in his arms as soon as he walked into the house. I cried, he cried, then he sobbed, I pretended to sob to avoid it being awkward and then I apologised.

Literally two minutes in and my epic apology monologue – it rivalled Cersei’s revenge monologue for epicness – wasn’t even needed. Thankfully I’ve burnt a lot of bridges so I’ll be able to use it again, I’m sure.

Phil has been super busy since coming out … of retirement early last year, remastering his old albums, writing new material and planning a tour. Oh and he signed a book deal and will be releasing his autobiography in October … and when I heard that, everything became clear – he wants me to ghostwrite the book.

While I’m pretty pissed he expects me to plug it out in a mere matter of months, given the countless ways I ruined his life I really couldn’t say no. Plus, at least I can manage my image in the story, you know?

Either way, Phil got a ghostwriter, I got some undeserved forgiveness and we both rekindled our friendship over my famed – and his favourite – Philly Collins Cheesesteak.

 

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I’ve made no secret of my love for warm meat, slathered in creamy cheese … but these really get me salivating. I mean, tender slices of steak on a soft pillowy bun and cheese, my favourite, cheese – it doesn’t get any better. Oh yeah, it does – sweet onions, earthy mushrooms, hot mustard and peppers.

It really does get better – enjoy!

 

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Philly Collins Cheesesteak
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 hoagie rolls
6-12 slices provolone
1kg loin steaks, trimmed and sliced into thin strips
olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tbsp worcestershire sauce
hot english mustard

Sauteed mushrooms
2tbsp unsalted butter
500g button mushrooms, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Caramelised onions
2 tbsp unsalted butter
2 large brown onions, thinly sliced
salt and pepper, you guessed it – to taste!

Peppers aka capsicum
2 tbsp olive oil
1 green capsicum, thinly sliced
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
1/16 tbsps of salt and precisely 6.3g freshly ground black pepper, but seriously … to taste

Method
Place the steak in the freezer for about half an hour while you get to work on all of the other elements.

Start with the mushrooms and melt the butter in a frying pan over high heat until foamy. Reduce heat to medium, add the mushrooms and cook until they are soft, silky and browned.

Then move to the onions and start again by melting the butter over high heat until foamy. Reduce the heat, this time to low, and cook the onions slowly until they are soft and caramelised – about half an hour. Keep an eye on the onions, but move on to the peppers now, ok?

In another pan – how many pans do I expect you to own? Maybe decant the mushrooms to a dish and keep warm, wipe out the mushroom pan and heat, this time the oil, over high heat. Add the capsicums and stir-fry for a minute or so, or until they are soft and vibrant.

Now that they are sorted, remove the steak from the freezer and slice very thinly. Heat a griddle over high heat, brush with oil and cook for about a minute per side. Remove to a dish, pour over the worcestershire, season and keep warm.

Now for the fun to start – split the hoagies, butter generously (if you like heat) with hot english mustard, spoon in mushrooms, onions and peppers, top with the piping hot meat and layer with cheese. Hopefully your cheese will melt from the heat more than mine did, but hey it is cold for Brisbane at the moment.

Then, don’t think twice – devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Coming back to me, against all odds

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

So I’ve been seeing a lot of buses promoting the upcoming Legend of Tarzan movie and in addition to being wildly aroused, it got me feeling all nostalgic about my dear frenemy Phil Collins.

While we started off as close friends after co-writing In the Air Tonight in ‘81, we haven’t spoken after a period of ugliness in the late 90s/early 00s – he deemed my contribution to You’ll Be in My Heart non-existent and had my name struck from the credit (losing me yet another Oscar) and in revenge I injected a virus into an ear causing him to become partially deaf.

Don’t worry, sadly the wonders of 00s medicine cured the deafness … so really, I don’t get why he chose to hold a grudge?

Anyway, if OITNB taught me anything it is that life is too short and knowing that I’ll be seeing a couple of hours of Skarsy’s naked torso in a matter of weeks, I decided to reach out and spread my preemptive joy with Phil, and finally end our feud.

Shockingly, he agreed to drop by!

What says sorry I tried to ruin your career and end your passion by making you deaf in revenge for removing my name from the credit of our Oscar winning song that I didn’t contribute to in the slightest?

Picture source: AP Photo/Alan Diaz.

 

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