Tomato

Chicken Cacciatori Amos

Main, Poultry

It was such a treat to have Tori drop by – I forgot how deep a connection we share and how robust the conversation is between us.

I first connect with Tori in the mid/late 70s while (I was) turning tricks in the cubicle of a Maryland gay bar.  Torz was working at the club as a singer – under the watchful eye of her father who sadly had no interest in my advances – and was drawn to my creative albeit debauched spirit.

While most Pastors would advise against their children befriending vagrant, attempted hookers Mr. A knew that I was a good guy deep down and supported what has become a four decade friendship.

Obviously there was a period of estrangement, after I lashed out at her for not properly thanking me for helping her rework her breakthrough album Little Earthquakes but thankfully we were able to work through the ish pretty quickly and I continued to be her closest confidante.

I hadn’t seen Torz since getting kicked out of her orchestra concert at the Opera House in 2014 – apparently the skin flute isn’t an instrument that establishment likes you to play to an audience – so I was paranoid she may have been annoyed at me.

Thankfully she wasn’t and we quickly got down to catching up and working on music for her next album. I mean, I am her muse after all, so she couldn’t pass up that opportunity.

But anyway, you know that one of the main reasons she travelled over those 1000 Oceans was to try the flavor sensation that is my Chicken Cacciatori Amos. Which obviously is her favourite meal.

 

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The catch to a good cacc is all in the simmer. Like me in a feud, you want the chicken to sit and stew in its rage until it either boils over in a mess/tabloids dream or softens up and falls off the bone. The meat obviously, you know I wouldn’t fall off.

Enjoy!

 

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Chicken Cacciatori Amos
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
2 kg chicken drumsticks and thighs (with bones in … you know I love that)
2 tbsp flour
1 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, chopped
3 garlic cloves, crushed
2 celery sticks, chopped
2 carrots, peeled, chopped
150g pancetta, diced
125g button mushrooms, sliced
100ml white wine
2 x 400g cans diced tomatoes
150ml chicken stock
⅓ cup kalamata olives, pitted
2 bay leaves
2 sprigs fresh rosemary

Method
Dust chicken with flour, heat a lug of oil in a casserole dish – le creuset, obviously – on high and fry the chicken for a couple of minutes each side, in batches. Remove and set aside.

Reduce the heat and sweat the onion, garlic, celery, carrot and pancetta until soft, sweet and the pancetta rendered – a couple of minutes should suffice. Return chicken to the pan and add the mushrooms and wine. Bring to boil and reduce heat to simmer for a couple of minutes, or until the wine has almost evaporated.

Add bay leaves, rosemary, tomatoes and a tin full of water, cover and simmer for 25-30 minutes, or until cooked through. Stir through the olives and devour with a shit tonne of mash.

 

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Barack O’lamba

Amer-she-can Week, Main

Happy Fourth of July!

Go big or go home, has long been my motto. Originally in my ads for a sugar daddy in ‘80s West Hollywood – it originally read, go big and I’ll go home – but I’ve digressed.

Since it is his final Fourth in office, Barack has relaxed his stance on the privacy of our annual Fourth cook-out celebration and is letting me take our friendship public. I guess he figures he needs to make the most of his final months.

As I work as HRC’s interior designer – amongst other jobs – I needed to drop in on the White House and take some measurements for the renovations I have planned to make the second Clinton White House the biggest and best sequel ever produced. So this visit – soz Barack – helped me kill two birds one stone.

Well three, considering Michelle and I will be able to release her workout DVD next year, Michelle’s Ob-arm-a-rama System © – a collection of arm workouts set to the classic music of Bananarama.

Anyway, I really need to learn to stay on topic – amirite?

So, I’ve been friends with the Obamas for about thirty years now after meeting Barack in Harvard where I was running a scam as a Law Professor. Despite the fact that I was unqualified, I somehow taught his cohort enough for them to attain their qualifications and pass the bar – I assume that you pick up a thing or two when you’ve spent a life in the courts defending your various crimes – so thankfully Barack never held my indiscretion against me.

Despite not having an official role in the administration, Barack has relied on me to provide advice during his presidency and it is such a thrill to finally be able to share our White House bond with the world.

It was such a joy to be able to sit down – for what will likely be our last time together in the White House – and reminisce about our past and his future, following Michelle and our booming fitness empire (watch your back Bridges).

We needed something hearty and robust to be able to stand up to our deep conversations, so I opted for my (very Australian) Barack of O’lamba.

 

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Yes, Amer-she-can Week is all about celebrating America, HRC’s upcoming presidency and Independence Day (not the terrible movie and – I assume – its terrible sequel), Barack wanted our final Fourth together in the White House to be more like a state dinner – celebrating the culture of his foreign guest.

Plus, HRC wanted the week to celebrate culinary diversity … unlike any week Trump would have me host. Thankfully we are feuding … and you thought he hated Rosie O?!

And anyway, who can go past succulent lamb on a bed of sharp goat’s cheese, creamy potatoes and blistered tomatoes? Exactly.

Enjoy!

 

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Barack O’lamba
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
6-10 small chat potatoes
1 punnet cherry tomatoes
8-bone rack of lamb
olive oil
1 handful pitted kalamata olives
a bulb of garlic cloves
sea salt
freshly ground black pepper
a few sprigs rosemary
150g feta
olive oil

Method
Preheat the oven to 190°C.

In a large pot of salted water, parboil the potatoes until tender.

Heat a couple of tablespoons of olive oil in a large frying pan over high heat and sear each side of the lamb until golden. Remove from the pan.

Reduce the heat to low and add the potatoes, smash with a spatula and fry each side until crisp. Remove from the heat.

Squeeze the tomatoes to break them and add to the pan with the olives, the leaves of the rosemary and garlic. Empty into a large roasting pan, chuck the lamb on top and cook for about 30-40 minutes, depending on the size of the lamb / whether they’ve devoured roids.

When done, rest the lamb for five minutes and slice into pairs. Serve, crumbling the feta over the garlicky, tomato, potatoes.

Then devour.

* Adapted from a Jamie Oliver recipe.

 

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Chillian AnderCon Queso Dip

Condiment, Dip, Party Food, Snack

Full disclosure, I have never seen an episode of The X-Files.

Yes, I spent a lot of time on the set due to my friendship and subsequent affair with David Duchovny and to gather intel for the script of the porn parody I was working on, which was obviously called The Sex-Files.

Despite being quite busy being … occupied by David and my research, I was able to connect with the delightful, elegant and downright badass Gillian Anderson.

Gills and I connected over our shared Chicago heritage – she was born there, I inspired the role of Velma Kelly – and she quickly took me under her wing, I assume to “fix” me. Clearly she didn’t know who she was dealing with!

Either way, I continued to be an obnoxious, hyper-sexual, alcoholic, junky, felon and G loved me, either in spite of or because of my flaws.

G has been very busy lately, what with The X-Files reboot, her creepy turn in Hannibal and starring in the critically acclaimed The Fall, which she won’t let me near. Yes, Jamie Dornan does have a restraining order out against me, but I know that if she just got me close enough I’d be able to explain why I was caught rubbing his hair while he slept. I mean, it was only the one time after all.

Obvs I would then get a role as Christian’s lover in 50 Shades of Gay … which is what he will demand the sequels become to celebrate both our love and our kinks.

Anyway, it has been ages since we last caught up so I made sure I blocked out some time in her calendar months ago so that we could reconnect and I could work on the Jamie sitch, and nothing says reconnection quite like a big ol’ bowl of Chillian AnderCon Queso Dip.

 

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I make no secret of my unbridled love of cheese: cottage, gouda, roquefort, camembert, pamesan, feta, dick, cheddar, philly, swiss – you name it, I’ll gobbleeat it. Add my other fave, chilli, and you’ve got a warm, thick white liquid that you want to take straight in the mouth … on a chip, right?

Either way, enjoy!

 

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Chillian AnderCon Queso Dip
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
225g vintage cheddar cheese
125g colby cheese
100g queso quesadilla
340g  cream cheese
3 fresh tomatoes, chopped
6 spring onions, finely chopped
6 jalapeños, chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced
½ cup fresh coriander, chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Melt cheeses together in a saucepan over low heat.

Stir in all other ingredients.

Devour, warm, with corn chips. Or even better, Tortéa Leoni Chips?

 

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Pie-an Ziering

Donna Martin graduates, Main, Party Food, Pie, Snack

Like David Silver / B.A.G., poor Steve Sanders / Ian Ziering was not the guy you had plastered over your wall, but like a fine wine that man aged into the beautiful Chippendale / shark slayer that I am lucky enough to call my friend.

While I obviously tried to woo Ian countless times on the set of 90210, our relationship never became a fully fledged affair which, I hate to admit, did wonders for our relationship. That being said, that realisation won’t stop my lecherous behaviour with my beautiful friends – sorry Skarsy!

Despite what some members of the D-list would have you believe, Ian is an absolute sweetheart and is every bit as kind and determined as the national treasure he portrays in the Sharknado franchise.

I first met Ian in the late 80s when he was auditioning for a guest stint on Married … with Children before the ugliness of my own creating. Knowing that he had the perfect combination of confidence, charm and uniqueness, I snatched him away from the show and gave him the star making role of S squared.

Give the runaway success of the critical maligned Sharknado masterpieces, Ian has been super busy … and sadly thanks to my ongoing feud with slash the restraining order Tara Reid has out against me, I cannot visit him on set. Thankfully he was able to drop by despite of his busy shark dropping schedule to celebrate the pop culture anniversary to trigger Annelie’s memory.

Obviously that calls for my Pie-an Ziering.

 

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Pies are in my top fifteen comfort food – probably sitting at around fourth. Add in two of my other faves, cheese and bacon, and you’ve got yourself a party worthy of Steve Sanders / a Chippendale / a shark slayer / someone that feuds with Brandi Glanville.

While most cheese and bacon pies are something you devour with equal parts shame and joy, these babies, with their salt streaky bacon and sharp blue cheese bring you no shame and are just so damn good.

They are also a little bit posh. Like Sanders Manor or stripping in Vegas – enjoy!

 

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Pie-an Ziering
Makes: 8.

Ingredients
2 tbsp oil
1 brown onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 stick of celery, finely chopped
1 carrot, grated
600g beef mince
6 rashers streaky bacon, diced
2 tbsp plain flour
400g canned crushed tomatoes
1 cup beef stock
2 tbsp tomato paste
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce
125g soft blue cheese
2 sheets shortcrust pastry
2 sheet puff pastry
1 egg

Method
Heat the oil in a large pan, over medium-high heat. When as hot as Ian’s Vegas outfit, reduce the heat and add the onions and garlic and sweat for a couple of minutes. When they are fragrant and translucent, add the celery, carrot, beef and bacon, stirring to break up the mince as it starts to brown.

When the meat is cooked, add the flour and give a good stir. Then add the tomatoes, stock, tomato paste and worcestershire sauce, stir and simmer half-covered for about 20 minutes, stirring a couple of times.

Remove from the heat and allow to cool for an hour or two.

Preheat oven to 180°C and remove the pastry from the freezer (I was lazy and there is no shame – puff is a total bitch) to defrost.

When the pastry is ready, divide each sheet into four equal square. Press the shortcrust into individual pie moulds (about the size of the circumference of a fist … probably should have mentioned that sooner). Spoon the mixture equally amongst the lined moulds, crumble the blue cheese evenly over the top and fold over any shortcrust excess. Top with the squares of puff, pressing at the edges to seal the pie and crimp any excess pastry around the edges. I mean, why waste it?

Whisk the egg in a mug and brush the tops of the pies. Give them a stab in the top for steam to escape, place the pie moulds on a lined baking tray (simply for ease of getting them in and out of the oven) and bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Devour. Surprisingly, I advise avoiding tommy sauce. That blue cheese is glorious!

Obviously I strongly encourage mash.

 

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LasEnya

Baking, Main, Pasta

It has been a rough decade not having Enya in my life. Kind of like being on the trains, in the winter rains … but emotionally, not literally. You know?

Picture it, Middle Earth 2001. I had just gotten Enya the job writing a song for the first Lord of My Ring (that’s what I thought it was called when I, helped, Peter Jackson to secure her job).

I was working my way through the Elfen extras to try and claim the Holy Grail of Orlando, watering my bloom. Long story short, I mistook Ens for an elf, she was upset I stopped when I realised it was her and was distraught that once again, I missed Orlando. Mud was slinged, words were said and I had my name removed from the co-writing credit and was robbed of another Oscar nomination.

Angry and hurt, I toured the most reputable and rational Hollywood publications PerezHilton and TMZ spewing vitriol and campaigning heavily against her winning the Oscar. It worked and sadly cost me our friendship.

Until she called.

You see, like me, Ens had tried to stay up-to-date on how the other was doing and lament the state of our friendship. Seeing my current success (and likely sensing the future plaudits and film adaptation she could score), Ens reached out to bury the hatchet and thankfully she was serious when she assured me it wouldn’t be in my back.

Ens is such an absolute doll and it breaks my heart that we fought so viciously for such a long time. She dropped over at the top of the morning yesterday and despite some initial awkwardness as we apologised and each took the sole blame for our issues while secretly blaming the other for all of them, it was like nothing had changed for the relationship we had in the 70s while I mentored her to success.

We gabbed and gabbed for hours, discussing our mutual disgust for Bono and our hope to collaborate on the melancholic, Opera adaptation of my future hit musical Little Whorephan Andy. Thankfully I had a huge batch of my LasEnya as we were worn out from all the planning!

 

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Lasagne is the ultimate comfort food – gooey cheese, rich sauce and a whack of herbs, it is life affirming, truly – and thankfully it is almost cold enough in Brisbane for me to pretend it is weather appropriate.

I mean, pasta? Amazing. Cheese? Even more amazing. Add in some pesto and hot damn you have a holy trinity of ingredients that instantly ends all feuds AND is a lovely shade of green for some cultural celebration.

Enjoy!

 

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LasEnya
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
handful button mushrooms, finely sliced
1 onion, roughly diced
1 zucchini, grated
1 carrot, grated
1 stalk celery, finely sliced
3 garlic cloves, crushed
500g lean beef mince
700g bottle tomato passata
2 cups beef stock
250g dried instant lasagne sheets
1 ½ cup grated mozzarella
250g tub smooth ricotta
300ml thickened cream
2 eggs, lightly beaten
¼ cup Toni Basil pesto
fresh basil leaves, to garnish

Method
Heat the oil in a large pan over medium heat and cook the mushrooms, onion, zucchini, carrot, celery and garlic until very soft, about 10 minutes. Add the mince and break up with the back of a wooden spoon, as it browns. Stir in the stock, passata and a good whack of salt and pepper, bring to the boil and then reduce the heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes and starting to thicken.

Preheat oven to 160°C.

Spread 1 ½ cups of the mince mixture over the base of a deep 22x30cm baking dish. Top with ¼ of the lasagne sheets. Top with ⅓ of the remaining meat mixture and ⅓ mozzarella. Repeat layers twice more aka the remaining ⅔ of each, finishing with a layer of lasagne sheets.

Whisk the ricotta, cream, eggs and pesto together in a bowl, season and pour mixture over the lasagne.

Now this is important and I would normally completely ignore this step, but don’t be like me, be a winner; cover the baking dish with tented foil. Tented? You want the foil to cover the dish, but not come into direct contact with it and leave you with a deliciously crisped piece of foil cheese and a mutilated lasagne … but anyway.

Bake for 40 minutes. Un-tent and bake for a further 10 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Stand for 10 minutes and then serve. Again, don’t be a Ben – allow it to stand. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

 

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Tagene Hackman

12th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza, Easter Meggstravaganza, Main

You know that friend you have that every time another close friend dies you think, damn I miss Mr/Ms X so much, they went too soon … only to Google them to be reminded of their death information and discover they aren’t actually dead?

Yep, that is my dear friend and ex-lover Gene Hackman … making him the perfect candidate for phase four of the Meggstravaganza … and a welfare check.

I first connected with Gene Genie in the 40s through our (well his brother and mine) mutual friend, Dick Van Dyke. While I had a falling out with Dick after using his name during my brief stint in porn in the 60s, Gene and I have enjoyed a close, continuing friendship for the past 70-odd years.

Gene’s passion for my porn career probably helped.

Gene and I enjoyed a brief open relationship in the late 60s, probably due to the social climate at the time, and as such, he was lucky to avoid having me as a scorned ex. This helped in him securing his Oscars, as I am one of the top award season smear-campaigners working in Hollywood.

Gene was so thrilled to see me and I him – mainly out of relief that he isn’t dead. Gene was very excited to be able to share a meal and help his former co-star return to fame (he thinks French Kiss and The French Connection franchise are the same thing). I do get the feeling he was more excited to have a nice homecooked Tagene Hackman though?

 

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But who wouldn’t be?

I mean, a big kick of spice, the majesty of lamb, the trashiness addition of frozen peas and a rich, spicy tomato sauce to delicately cook eggs – what more could you want?

That’s right, nada – enjoy!

 

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Tagene Hackman
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g lamb mince
2 onions, very finely chopped
3 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cumin
½ tsp chilli powder
1 tsp paprika
¼ cup finely chopped coriander leaves
¼ cup finely chopped flat leaf parsley
5 eggs
salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp tomato paste
2 tbsp chilli flakes
400g can chopped tomatoes
2 tsp honey
200g frozen peas
Chopped parsley, to garnish

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C.

In a large bowl combine the lamb, half the onion, garlic, ginger, cumin, chilli powder, paprika, coriander, parsley and an egg. Season and mix well, before rolling out into balls just smaller than golf balls. Cover with cling and leave to rest in the fridge for a couple of hours.

When you’re ready to cook, heat the olive oil in a tagine over medium heat and sweat the onions with the chilli flakes until sweet and translucent.

Scrape the onion to one side of the tagine and add the meatballs, cooking until lightly browned. Add the can of tomatoes, paste and honey, stirring carefully to combine. Reduce the heat to low, cover and simmer for ten minutes.

Remove from the heat, uncover, sprinkle the peas over the top and stir. Crack the eggs onto the top of the stew. Return the lid and place into the oven for up to ten minutes, until the eggs are cooked to your liking.

Remove from the lid, garnish with feta, parsley and serve, generously, with couscous.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Tomatoni Braxton Relish

Condiment, Sauce

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it but I really dislike, nay hate, David Foster. I mean sure, he’s had to live under the tyranny of Yolanda’s lemon regime, but he truly is just the worst.

His music however, not so bad … when you aren’t forced around the piano at gunpoint after dinner. Then it is a new and particularly heinous form of torture.

Hang on, I’ve digressed before even beginning; the bad blood started with David after he got me booted from the producing team of my dear friend Toni Braxton’s signature hit Un-Break My Heart (fun fact, the hit and run wasn’t meant to be part of the film-clip).

I had been close friends with Toni for countless decades before, meeting through her mother in South Carolina where I trained to be a cosmetologist. Being overwhelmed by our burgeoning talents, Toni and I formed a life-bond over the shared experience of others’ lesser talent and society’s general mediocrity.

Sure, there was an ugly period after David’s nefarious scheme to boot me from the single after I didn’t let him grope me in the back of a car however Toni eventually saw him for a cad and all was forgiven.

Tones dropped by to help mend my feud with Tamar (she stole my role on DWTS) and discuss a potential collab between The Braxtons and I. Obviously the only thing that can help feed our souls is my famed Tomatoni Braxton Relish.

 

Tomatoni Braxton Relish-1

 

Some say that relish is a condiment but Tones and I would have to respectfully disagree. I mean, how else do you think we got voices like angels? Tart, sweet and spicy – this is everything you want a relish to be … for whatever meal you want it as.

Enjoy!

 

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Tomatoni Braxton Relish
Makes: About 2 cups.

Ingredients
1 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tsp yellow mustard seeds
12 fresh curry leaves
1 onion, sliced
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 tsp ground turmeric
1 tsp ground coriander seeds
1 tsp ground black pepper
½ tsp ground cumin
2 whole cloves
1 cinnamon quill
2 dried bay leaves
1 cup muscovado sugar
1 cup apple cider vinegar
2 x 400g can whole tomatoes
salt, to taste

Method
Heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the mustard seeds and curry leaves and cook stirring until the mustard seeds start to pop. Add in the onion and garlic and cook, again stirring, until the onion starts to sweat before tossing through the spices and bay leaves, cooking for a further minute.

Stir through the brown sugar, apple cider vinegar and tomatoes, lower heat and reduce until thick and sticky. Season to taste and devour … or use as a condiment and store in a sterilised jar, if you’re an animal like that!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Abi-Maria GoMezze Plate

Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Let us all pause and have a moment silence as our dear, sweet, feisty Abi-Maria was once again booted a week before the finale. Albeit this time, in an episode marked by dueling golden showers and Demon Tasha aka DT.

Speaking of DT, she has had many moments of insufferability however it was the callous way she cut our beautiful friend Abi AND mocked the dreamiest castaway of the season Keith, that finally cemented her status as the most dislikable cast member. Probably ever.

And before you even start rumours, no, we had nothing to do with her “near” drowning.

Either way, welcome back to the fold, Dr Joe! What a shame Wigles couldn’t secure as much screen time in her triumphant return.

But I’ve digressed.

As you could easily assume, our history with our close friend Abi-Maria pre-dates her appearances on Survivor after meeting in our Nicki Minaj led anger management. Nicki saw the brilliant, calm natures we all possessed and bonded us like a sisterhood, thankfully without a weird pair of pants for us all to share.

We spent the following years being zen and hanging out before deciding that one if not all of us should compete on Survivor to get closer to Probst’s bed. As Abi was the only one eligible, we through all of our resources behind getting her on the show and rigging a cast of clowns for her to dominate.

Then Annelie and I met Malcolm and tragically for Abi (but wonderfully for us), we fell into bed with him and went about rigging the season with him in mind. We could go on but long story short, we went into court ordered sex therapy, were treated by Denise who then weaseled her way on to the season and stole the win from our true friends by whispering our names to Malcs during final immunity to spook him.

It was a rough few months after the truth came out to Abs, but we felt it only fair that we be dead to her for all the pain and heartache we had caused. Thankfully her kind heart shone through and she forgave us during the Anti-RC AGM.

Going into Second Chances, Abi had the odds stacked against her but thanks to her plucky determination and general charm, she was able to weave her way through the pre-merge game and a horror stint on Angkor to sit pretty behind her witch shield at the merge.

Sadly her sterling resume and on point voting record got the better of her and she was sent to our open arms in Ponderosa as a jury threat to devour our Abi-Maria GoMezze Plate!

 

Abi-Maria GoMezze Plate_1

 

Like Abi, the plate is spicy, sweet and everything you need in life and more. Well done sweet angel – we can’t wait to rig Heroes vs. Villains 2 for you!

Enjoy!

 

Abi-Maria GoMezze Plate_2

 

Abi-Maria GoMezze Plate
Serves: 6-8, or 1 blindsided juror, her emotionally unstable friends and Savage’s teen headwear.

Ingredients
Hummus
400g can of chickpeas, reserving some of the liquid
2 tsp tahini
1 garlic clove, crushed
½ tsp crushed sea salt
3 tbsp quality extra virgin olive oil
2 tbsp freshly squeezed lemon juice
Smoked paprika, to garnish
Parsley leaves, to garnish

Meatballs
1 kg beef mince
1 large red onion, grated
½ bunch dill, finely chopped
2 tbsp dried spearmint leaves
1 tbsp dried chilli
1 tsp cumin
1 cup short grain rice
1 tsp salt
50 ml olive oil
2 cups passata
1 lemon, juiced

Dolmades (thanks SBS, I had no idea)
220 grams long-grain rice (rinsed)
2 tsps ground allspice
1 tsp chili flakes (dried)
1/2 tsp chili powder
1 tsp dried oregano
1 bunch mint leaves (chopped)
1/2 bunch Italian parsley leaves (chopped)
3 tomatoes (roughly chopped)
1 purple onion (finely chopped)
2 lemon (1 zested, 2 juiced, plus extra wedges, to serve)
80 vine leaves (soaked in cold water for 30 minutes)
185 ml olive oil
4 garlic cloves (peeled)

Lemon & Chili Potatoes
3 small potatoes
clove of garlic, crushed and chopped
1 tbsp chilli flakes
juice of one lemon
2-3 tbsp oil

Haloumi
500g haloumi
Olive oil, for frying
Lemon wedges, to serve
Salt and pepper

Roasted peppers, stripped
Olives
Pita, toasted and cut into strips

Method
Hummus
Rinse the chickpeas in cold water and blitz in a food processor with the tahini, crushed garlic, salt, lemon juice and a generous dash of the reserved chickpea liquid, slowly pouring oil in as you go.

When smooth and at the desired consistency, place into a serving dish. Drizzle with some more extra virgin olive oil and sprinkle with paprika or finely chopped parsley leaves, for colour.

Meatballs
Preheat oven to 180C.

Combine the mince, onion, dill, spearmint, chilli, cumin, rice, salt and olive oil and roll into fat walnut sized balls and placing into a large baking dish.

Cover with the passata and bake for about 40 minutes until meat is cooked.

Remove from the oven and pour over the lemon juice and serve with some of the cooking liquid.

Dolmades
Cook rice in boiling salted water for 8 minutes or until par-cooked. Drain, refresh under cold running water, then drain again. Cool slightly.

Place rice, allspice, chilli flakes and powder, oregano, mint, parsley, tomatoes, onion and lemon zest in a bowl and mix to combine.

To assemble, place 2 heaped teaspoons of rice mixture in centre of a leaf (leaves should be 12 cm x 12 cm; layer 2 leaves if necessary). Fold in sides and roll up to enclose filling, then place upright in a saucepan. Repeat with remaining rice mixture and leaves, ensuring dolmades are snugly packed in pan.

Whisk lemon juice and oil in a bowl and pour over dolmades. Stuff garlic in between dolmades, then cover and cook over low heat for 1½ hours or until rice and leaves are tender (add extra oil or water if liquid has evaporated). Cool to room temperature, then refrigerate for at least 3 hours or until cold. Serve with extra lemon wedges.

Lemon & Chilli Potatoes
Preheat oven to 200C.

Finely slice potatoes into 5mm half-moon discs, coat in oil and bake in the oven for 15 minutes.

Sprinkle with garlic and chilli and bake for a further 5 minutes. Remove from the oven, pour over the lemon juice and add a good whack of salt and pepper.

Devour.

Haloumi
Cut haloumi into 5mm slices. Heat frying pan up and drizzle with olive oil. Cook haloumi for around 3 minutes, turning just once.

Serve and season with salt and pepper, squeezing lemon juice over the top.

Plating
Roasted peppers, stripped
Olives
Pita, toasted and cut into strips

 

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Sloppy Joe Anglim

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Let me start by saying there is nothing sloppy about our dear friend, aspirational love, yoga enthusiast, challenge-beast and Survivor Macgyver 2.0 (sorry, nothing beats Peih-Gee smuggling supplies in her clothing) Joe-gel Anglim.

Our pants after we see him however…but I digress.

We first met Joe at Northern Arizona University where Joe was playing volleyball and we were trialling a supplements program with the football team which would later go on to get us a job working on Lance Armstrong’s medical team.

While Joe was disappointed in our dishonest and highly illegal conduct, our undying love and devotion (which went on to inspire the film Fatal Attraction) was too intoxicating for him and we have remained close ever since.

Going into Second Chances Joe arguably had one of the biggest targets on his back, but was able to survive by generally being a boss, a babe and, well, immune for the first four weeks. He sadly made his way out of the game and over to the jury after a crushing collapse/fainting spell at the end of what feels like the first non-ball related immunity challenge – if only he had more experience holding on to a rapidly extending pole!

Well that is what it looked like, at least!

We are pleased to confirm that Joe didn’t really need any smelling salts, but instead realised he was too good for the game and didn’t want to continue embarrassing people so opted to fake a faint, take himself out of the game and celebrate with a delicious Sloppy Joe Anglim with his forced concubine (which sadly included an uninvited Savage).

 

Sloppy Joe Anglim_1

 

Like Joe, these delightful, meaty treats can fix all of your problems, solve world peace and can (give you sustenance to) build literally anything useful out of mediocre objects.

Obviously, we made them extra sloppy – just how he likes them! Enjoy!

 

Sloppy Joe Anglim_2

 

Sloppy Joe Anglim
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
1 onion, diced
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 green capsicum
350ml passata
¼ cup tomato ketchup
1 tsp american mustard
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
a few drops to a lug of hot sauce, to taste
1 tbsp dark brown sugar
125ml of cold water
a good whack of salt & black pepper, to taste

Method
Cook off the mince and onion in a heated frying pan, ensuring that the meat is browned and broken up as you go.

Add the minced garlic and capsicum, cooking for a further few minutes.

Add the passata, tomato ketchup, mustard, Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, brown sugar and water, stirring to combine.

Bring the mixture to the boil. Once it is bubbling away like a Ponderosa sauna, turn the heat right down and leave it to simmer for about half an hour.

If it looks dry, add a bit of water or passata and heat. Otherwise, serve on soft burger rolls with plenty of cheese and a pickle.

Obviously we waited until after the meal for our pickle.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.