Side

Appelly Bishop Salad

Oy with the turkeys already!, Salad, Side, Snack, Vegetarian

Make no mistake, Emily Gilmore – and well, Paris too – is the true heart and aggressive soul of Gilmore Girls, and that all comes down to the exquisite (too much? Never!) performance of my dear friend Kell.

As you could probably guess, I first met Kell in the mid-70s during my stint trolling Broadway for fame, stardom and studs. While I couldn’t lock down the latter – or either of the former, for that matter – I did connect with Kell, which is the ultimate win.

She was starring in her Tony Award winning role of Sheila in A Chorus Line at the time, and I was working as a fluffer / male’s costume cleaner. Obviously I was going through a man-musk fetish at the time but somehow Kell worked her way into my heart and we quickly formed a close bond.

While we didn’t speak for a decade after she didn’t thank my fluffing skills in the speech – “But you were only interested in positioning the men in their tights” – we were eventually brought back together on the set of Dirty Dancing.

Again obviously, I was involved in a torrid affair with Swayze at the time.

I don’t know if I was swayed by the love of Swayz or having a rare moment of rational thought but I apologised to Kell for my behaviour and we built the strong, beautiful friendship that we both hold so dear.

When ASP and I were trying to find a sparring partner for Lorelai, that could equal Ed’s majesty, while providing the emotional backbone of the show and instilling fear maids globally, I knew that Kell was the only person for the job … and the rest, as they say, is history.

I sadly haven’t been able to spend much time with Kell since Bunheads was axed – what with her being a reminder of two beautiful shows axed before their time – so I was elated to be able to finally see her again thanks to the revival.

Which obviously called for my famed Appelly Bishop Salad.

 

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I know I say it pretty much every damn time I post, but this recipe truly is the perfect representation of Kell … well, Emily Gilmore at least. Sweet, robust and complex, the flavours work together to provide a salad that works both as a support dish or a star.

Enjoy!

 

appelly-bishop-salad-2

Appelly Bishop Salad
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp natural yoghurt
1 tbsp maple syrup
1 garlic clove, crushed
2 green apples, unpeeled and thinly sliced
2 red apples, unpeeled and thinly sliced
100g gruyere, peeled into thin slices
a sprig of rosemary, leaves removed and chopped
stalk of celery, finely sliced
½ cup walnuts, toasted and roughly chopped
sea salt and black pepper

Method
Place cider vinegar, oil, yoghurt, maple syrup and garlic in a jug and stir to combine.

Combine everything else in a bowl, pour over the dressing and toss thoroughly.

Devour.

 

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Scottch Carrotterson

Oy with the turkeys already!, Side, Vegetarian

Like how ASP gave the Gilmore girls my passionate love of caffeinated beverages, she bequeathed Luke my lovably cantankerous spirit.

I remember sitting in casting with her and having her beg me to take on the role, thinking there was no one else who could possibly do the role I inspired justice … but I knew of a man, my dear friend – obviously – Scott Patterson. I introduced her, they bonded over a passion for headwear and the Luke you know and love was born.

I had met and befriended Scotty when he guested on an episode of Seinfeld, but it wasn’t until his appearance on Will & Grace that we truly became the best of friends while having dranks with Megsy. Bros even.

It has been a while since I’ve been able to catching up with Scott, given how busy I am with this little anthropological endeavour, travelling the globe providing support to reality TV cast-offs and – unsuccessfully – managing HRC’s campaign, so it was such a treat to be able to hang with my dear friend and celebrate his return to the diner.

Given our rugged nature – we both love flannel – I needed something festively appropriate that still packed a punch, which conveniently is the best way to describe my Scottch Carrottersons.

 

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Like Scott, these babies are the perfect accompaniment to any Thanksgiving and / or Friday night dinner … and / or Gilmore. Earthy, sweet and altogether sweet they, quite simply, fill you with joy.

Enjoy!

 

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Scottch Carrotterson
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
80g butter
6-8 large carrots, peeled and sliced into discs
½ cup scotch, or other whiskey … but Scott would be offended
½ cup muscovado sugar
salt and pepper, to taste.

Method
Melt the butter in a large frying pan over high heat. When it is starting to foam, reduce heat to medium low and add the carrots. Cook stirring for a couple of minutes.

Add the scotch to the pan and cook stirring for a minute before melting in the sugar and cooking for about five minutes or so.

Season generously and cook until the glaze has thickened to your liking.

Serve / devour.

 

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Yanic Bluesdale Mash

Oy with the turkeys already!, Side, Vegetarian

I was feeling so emotionally drained after going back to visit my dearly departed Ed, that I didn’t think it was possible to experience joy again.

Then I remembered that I was catching up with my close pal Yanic and I could force him to repeatedly say Lorelai as Michel until I was happy.

I tried to find a supercut to really drive home its wonder but alas, you miss out.

Anyway – after an hour of Lorelai-ing me back to happiness, Yanic and I quickly got to work on catching up on everything since we last got together in 2011 to open his spin studio SpinEnergie. Needless to say, he has been hella busy but thankfully could take some time out to star in the revival … was looking bangin’ / camera ready to boot.

Now I know what you may be thinking – why are we getting Michel, when you aren’t celebrating the revival by catching up with Rory’s boyfriends.

Well in response, a) two out of the three men have restraining orders out against me – I’ll let you guess who – while the other is busy with a new hit show. And b) Michel was around for the entire series and was a dependable, lovely force.

Kinda like my Yanic Bluesdale Mash.

 

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There is nothing more dependable or lovely than mashed potato, is there? Seriously – let’s pause and really think about mashed potato for two minutes …

Welcome back, isn’t it delicious? Now think about adding in some tart blue cheese and you’ve got a soothing side with a deceptive kick.

Which is totally how I describe Yanic / Michel – enjoy!

 

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Yanic Bluesdale Mash
Serves: 6 as a side. 1 for someone self-loathing about to enter a spin class.

Ingredients
1kg potatoes
knob of unsalted butter
milk, to preference
150g blue cheese, crumbled
very generous whack of salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Peel potatoes and cut into large, 4 cm-ish chunks. Rinse thoroughly with cold water.

Place the potatoes in a large saucepan of salted water and bring to the boil. Once boiling, reduce the heat to a simmer and cook for about ten minutes … but checking frequently as you don’t want the potato too cooked lest you want soggy mash.

Drain the potatoes and return to the pan over the off-but-still-hot hob and stir for a minute to dry out any excess liquid.

Transfer the potatoes into the bowl of a stand mixer and beat them using a paddle attachment for a couple of minutes with a generous knob of butter and the blue cheese. Remove from the mixer and stir through enough milk to get the consistency you like and season to taste.

Top with some blue cheese crumbles and devour.

 

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Sataylor Stocker Pizza

Main, Party Food, Poultry, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, three became one, like in the throuple positive version the hit Spice Girls song where the old folks banded together with the nerd brigade – well all except maybe Adam – and sent Michelle out of the game … to the jury!

Back at camp, Jay got to work throwing a tantrum about Adam, Hannah and Zeke banding with the parents … despite the fact he turned on his previous ally Michaela. Taylor then jumped on the wagon, starting talking about legal warfare and I got very, very confused.

Did I mention Adam started yelling in confessionals again? Yeah, ride on dude.

Anyway, Taylor then sat down for an extended feasting segment praising himself for having more dirt on Adam than Adam does on him. Because, you know, finding an advantage that anyone could have found is far worse than stealing food and hiding it from the tribe in buried mason jars.

I will give our dim friend one thing though, it was pretty smart.

The next morning Jay and Hannah caught up about the previous vote where Hannah’s winner edit started as she calmly articulated why she turned on Jay and how she was loving her new play to win attitude as she built her resume.

Jiffy Pop dropped by to lord over the reward challenge where they were broken up into teams to win cocktails and burgers by the pool which is literally my dream date with Ken, though clothing optional.

Which reminds me, Ken looked insanely bangin’ while helping his team to victory (seriously, the heaving in the back during the bola throwing? Love heart eye emojis – he huffed and he puffed and he blew my pants down) – let’s hope I’m a profit!

Surprisingly – or not considering his questionable choices of late – Adam didn’t opt to steal the reward from Taylor, despite the fact it would have rendered his knowledge of the advantage moot and be acceptable considering everyone is aware of Taylor’s theft.

On reward, party-Bret emerged and chugged down a shit tonne of cocktails while Ken sunbaked. It didn’t provide much narrative wise but damn it was beautiful.

Back at camp Adam decided to take a leaf out of the Abi-Maria playbook and kick Jay while he was down. Thankfully Zeke and – who would have thought – Hannah were a bit more self-aware and tried to woo Jay and James Earl Jones back to their side.

Oh and Sunday is concerned Jessica wants to vote her out and talked to Jay about getting her out. Either I missed something big, or this came out of nowhere.

J-Pop returned for immunity where he was feeling nice and offered up some sandy-j’s and chips for those feeling safe or defeatist by their ball handling ability. Yep, that’s right, another challenge where they needed to be handy with balls … which was won by my potential new boyfriend Kengel. But that wasn’t a surprise to me, obviously.

The tribe arrived back at camp where the super-majority – who luckily for them have a far less likable rival than the Witches Coven – got together for a pow-wow and confirmed to split the vote between Jay and Taylor. Sunday however was still focused on getting rid of Jess.

Meanwhile Jay and Taylor got together for snacks where Taylor vowed to avenge Figgy’s boot … which is awkward considering he is about to have a baby with someone else.

At tribal, Jay and Taylor continued their assault on Adam forcing the kindly version of dear Abi to have a minor meltdown as he watched his game slowly fall apart in front of his eyes thanks to a hardcore mindfuck from the perceived dim-wit Taylor.

Sadly for the latter, it couldn’t save him and my totally rad friend Taylor was booted from the game. Did I not mention we met shredding the slopes together? We totally did.

While he was totally bummed to find himself out of the game, he was psyched to destroy Adam’s game on the way out. And obviously to see me and a fresh Sataylor Stocker Pizza.

 

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Given it was freezing in the snow and Tayls was too busy impregnating girls to keep me warm, I had to come up with something warm and spicy to bring our souls back from a hard day on the slopes.

And I totally thought it would work to cure post-boot pain too.

Which it did. Enjoy!

 

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Sataylor Stocker Pizza
Serves: 2-4.

Ingredients
pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)
passata or tomato paste, with a combination of herbs
2 chicken breasts, chopped into small pieces
½ cup satay sauce
1 onion, finely sliced
bunch spinach, roughly chopped
mozzarella cheese, grated

Method
Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

While that is getting totally sicky-sicky, nar-nar, fry chicken over medium heat and when nearly browned, add the satay sauce – you may want to use more and I am totally rad with that bro – and continue cooking for another five minutes.

When the dough is fresh out of the hidden mason jar, roll out two bases and slather each with the herby passata. Top generously with spinach and onion and place the reduced satay chicken on top. Cover with cheese – obviously I am quite liberal – and bake in the oven for about fifteen minutes, or until golden and bubbly.

And then, you guessed it, devour while doing something totally millennial, dude.

 

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Edward Berrcann Pull Apart

Dip, Oy with the turkeys already!, Party Food, Side, Snack

Oy, how my heart is breaking.

I was watching Kate McKinnon’s SNL cold open over the weekend, thinking I couldn’t possibly sob harder this week. Then I went back to visit Ed Herms one last time – I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to hurt as much as it did.

I’ve known Ed since the 70s, after meeting on the set of The Great Gatsby where I was involved in an affair with a strapping young chap by the name of Sam Waterston – fun fact, our relationship inspired his later show Grace & Frankie.

When the relationship ended in disaster, I caused a massive scene on set and it was Ed who stepped in, stopped me from getting kicked out and took me under his wing. That my friends, was the beginning of a beautiful friendship that lasted until his final breath.

Not wanting to arouse … suspicion and let him know how the future turns out – butterfly effect and all that … and by that, I hope that by not telling him the movie will be erased from history – I travelled back to the GG set during filming of the classic A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving.

It was such a treat to spend that little bit more time with him and celebrate filming a special episode for our favourite holiday together – I was an extra in Jackson’s family – and be reminded of the kind, loving presence he brought to set and, more importantly, my life.

Despite me worrying about how it would impact his health, I opted to stick with our old favourite for when he’d sit me down for a scotch to offer life advice, my Edward Berrcann Pull Apart.

 

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So yes, there is more than enough cheese in this little beauty to clog your arteries and bowel, and send your cholesterol through the roof. Well … maybe. I mean, I may be a doctor, but I am definitely not qualified. But how can you go past a shit tonne of cheese and bacon to simultaneously dull the pain of losing your friend and celebrate his beautiful life.

Exactly. Give thanks. Enjoy!

 

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Edward Berrcann Pull Apart
Serves: 1 Gilmore. 4-6 normals.

Ingredients
250g smoked bacon, diced
2 onions, diced
2 cloves of garlic, finely minced
1 tsp dried chilli flakes, optional … because you’re probably sick of me constantly using
chilli
115g butter, at room temperature
1 tbsp thyme leaves
1 cup vintage cheddar, grated
1 cup mozzarella, grated
cob loaf
handful chopped fresh parsley, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C.

Heat a large frying pan over medium heat and cook the bacon, stirring, until golden and crisp, or about five minutes. Add the bacon, garlic and chilli flakes and cook for a further five minutes. Reduce heat to low and gently cook, stirring for a further fifteen minutes, or until soft and juicy. Remove from the heat.

Add the thyme, butter and a good whack of salt and pepper to the frying pan, stir and leave to sit for about fifteen minutes.

Meanwhile, carve a 3 cm cross-hatch pattern into top of the loaf, stopping about half a centimetre from the base. Transfer the loaf to a lined baking sheet.

Stir the cheeses – leaving some for the top – through the bacon mixture and spoon generously into all of the slits. Push it back together as tightly as possible, despite it being a losing battle, top with the reserved cheeses and bake for about twenty minutes, or until golden and bubbly.

Garnish with parsley, you know, to make it healthy and devour.

 

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Lauren Graham Crackers

Baking, Oy with the turkeys already!, Side, Snack, Sweets

I honestly cannot believe I am sitting down to write about catching up with Lauren Graham in this context. I mean, a Gilmore Girls reunion has long been my dream but after the short lived wonder that was Bunheads, I feared that ASP wouldn’t be able to bequeath the only TV revival I ever wanted.

Outside of Golden Girls, obviously.

Don’t get me wrong, such a positive and hopeful person like me always dreamed that it would one day happen … I just thought Lauren and I would be catching up to celebrate the seminal movie Because I Said So’s tenth anniversary, before experiencing this wonder.

It is a fact universally acknowledged that 2016 has been absolute balls, but not in a good way, but (the horrifically named) Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life is something we can all take some time to be thankful for, which really makes it’s release so convenient for me and my Thanksgiving plans.

As you know, Annelie and I used to work as gophers on the set of the OG series until we were blacklisted for not letting go off our adopted triplets amnesia storyline – which *spoiler alert* was left unused in the revival.

While you may have assumed that is how we met and fell in love with Loz, we actually connected on the set of Caroline in the City whilst part of Lea Thompson’s entourage – our story inspired the teen movie, Heathers. Seeing a star on the rise, we jumped to join Loz’s far less angry clique and guided her to greatness.

Loz has been so busy in recent years, what with keeping Kleenex afloat via Parenthood – which to confess, I couldn’t watch as it just felt like she was cheating on Rory, Richard and Emily – so it has been a while since we’ve been able to take the time to get together and celebrate everything that makes our friendship as beautiful as it is.

Thankfully not a thing has changed in our time apart, Loz is still such a beautiful soul and she is still more than willing to spill some secrets to her best friend – I know the final four words guys! – over a batch of her favourites, my Lauren Graham Crackers.

 

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I know what you’re thinking – oy, with the grahams? / they shoot bloggers, don’t they? – but bare with me, graham crackers are insanely delicious … and festively appropriate given they are the basis of all the best cheesecake / pie crusts.

Thankfully Loz and I don’t need to be too fancy to celebrate Thanksgiving, our friendship and the GG reunion is more than enough.

But to reiterate, these are delicious as is – enjoy!

 

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Lauren Graham Crackers
Makes: 30-40.

Ingredients
60g unsalted butter
115g muscovado sugar
1 egg
2 tbsp honey
1 tbsp milk
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
250g wholemeal flour

Method
Beat the butter and sugar using a stand mixer for about five minutes, or until pale and creamy. Still beating, slowly add in the egg, honey and milk, allowing the mix to come together before adding the next. Remove from the stand and fold through the baking powder, salt and flour, until it comes together as a smooth dough. Form into a disc, wrap in cling wrap and refrigerate for an hour or so.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Remove the dough from the fridge and split it in two, returning one to the fridge while you work on the other. Between two sheets of baking paper, roll out the dough until it is super thin – 2-3mm max – cut it into graham shaped rectangles, dot with the thick end of a skewer and transfer to a baking tray.

Repeat the process with the second piece of dough.

Transfer both trays to the oven and cook for about fifteen minutes, or until golden brown and crisp. Remove from the oven, split the biscuits into pieces and transfer to a cooling rack.

Then devour.

 

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Queso Fundido

Condiment, Dip, Party Food, Side, Snack

With Thanksgiving now less than two weeks away, I’ve decided to start taking stock of my life and remembering what I am thankful for. Hella deep, right?

While I am forever thankful for my exes Jiffy Pop and Skarsy, I’m also thankful that *soon to be spoiler alert* Gilmore Girls is about to make a return to TV, Leo finally snatched a damn Oscar and, always and forever Alyssa Edwards, am I thankful that my dear friend Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O’Malley Armstrong goes by the mononym of Dido.

As such I decided to invite her over for a pre-Thanksgiving date and to once again thank her for not forcing the tongue-twister on the world.

I’ve known Dido for years after lecturing her in law at Birkbeck, University of London – seriously the amount of universities I bamboozled into hiring me to lecture in law is terrifying and all it took to get each job was to scream “that is assault.”

Obviously she discovered the scam and obviously she forgave me however unlike many celebs that caught on to my scams, Dido was crafty enough to blackmail me into launching her music career.

I would go as far as to say it is the proudest I have ever been in my life.

Anyway, her blackmail led to getting her song included on the Sliding Doors soundtrack – you should see the rest of the pap photos I took of Gywn and Brad’s holiday (obviously, NSFW) – an introduction to my dear Eminem to convince him to sample her song and most importantly bribing the Academy into nominating her for If I Rise.

I also successfully bribed the Razzies into giving her the award for Worst Original Song … but she wasn’t thrilled about that.

Being as busy as I am, I haven’t been able to see Dido and congratulate her on her 2013 comeback – though given I just heard about it, I didn’t know whether it would be appropriate. Either way, I made a Queso Fundido which is more than celebratory … just in case.

 

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I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a thousand times before dying of cheese clogged arteries, cheese is the greatest thing in my life – outside of my husband, it is without doubt, my great love (sickening display of genuine emotion, I’m sorry).

Add chilli, booze and a fat spicy sausage and you’ve well and truly got yourself a party – enjoy!

 

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Queso Fundido
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
3-4 chorizos, skin removed
1 onion, diced
2 clove garlic
1 green capsicum, diced
¼ cup tequila
250g vintage cheddar, grated
250g gouda (smoked if you like it super smokey), grated
generous pinch of flour
2-3 tomatoes, diced
small handful of coriander, roughly chopped
Tortéa Leoni Chips, for dippin’

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C.

Heat a small skillet over medium heat and fry the chorizo until brown and crisp. Remove from the pan to drain on some paper towel.

Wipe out the pan, return to the heat, reduce to low and cook the onion and garlic for a couple of minutes, or until soft and fragrant. Add the capicum and tequila and cook until the liquid has reduced a little. Remove from the heat.

Combine the cheeses in a bowl and toss through a generous pinch of flour. Add the cheese to the still warm pan and stir to combine. Top with chorizo and place in the oven for about ten minutes, or until cheese is bubbling and hot.

Serve straight out of the oven with some Tortéa Leoni Chips – obviously being careful of the hot pan, like I wasn’t – topped with tomatoes and coriander.

 

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Jon English Muffins

Baking, Bread, Breakfast, Side, Snack

The number one perk of time travel – outside of fraudulently getting lotto numbers – is being able to catch-up with your deceased friends … at optimal points in their life / career.

Obviously since I was travelling back to see Jon-Jon but didn’t want to let on that everything was not alright, I went back to ‘74 while he was starring in Jesus Christ Superstar with my dear gal-pal Marcia Hines.

You see Marce introduced us when she joined the show in ‘73, so it was the perfect way to slot back into my life without alerting him of any issue. Plus, he was hella banging in the 70s.

Anyway, our friendship was instantaneous and after excusing myself from life in Marce’s entourage, I commenced touring with Jon and quickly became his muse / career adviser. As seems to be the way it goes, I had hits and many misses throughout those times – there are only so many hippie, drug-lord murders one can play before it gets old. It wasn’t until the 90s and the classic All Together Now that we really hit our stride professionally.

It truly was such a treat to see Jon-Jon truly in his element like he was while playing Judas, laughing with the band and firing off banter with Marce and I. And then future me after I chloroformed past me.

After a night of hard performing on stage and hard drinking with Marce at her blackmarket, backstage casino, I used to wake up early day in, day out, and whip up fresh Jon English Muffins that we’d have toasted, slathered with butter and vegemite.

 

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Just getting to experience our old tradition once final time was enough to fill my heart with joy, but the taste of a fresh, freshly toasted English Muffin made me feel euphoric.

Fresh, doughy … do you really need me to describe bread? It is bread. Bread is good. Just enjoy, ok?

 

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Jon English Muffins
Makes: 8-12.

Ingredients
300g bread flour, plus extra for flouring
7g dried yeast (that should be one sachet. Should be)
pinch of salt
1 tbsp caster sugar
⅔ milk
1 tbsp butter, at room temperature
1 egg, lightly beaten
oil, for greasing
polenta, for dusting

Method
Combine the flour, yeast, sugar and salt in a large bowl.

Melt the butter into the milk in a small saucepan over medium heat, stirring, until it reaches 40-45C. Remove from heat.

Pour the butter and milk into the flour mix and knead with a dough hook in an electric mixer for a minute or two. Add the egg and knead for a further five minutes.

Transfer the dough to a lightly oiled bowl, cover and prove for two hours.

Dust the bench with polenta and roll the dough out until it is 2cm thick and cut into mug sized rounds. I say mug sized as I can’t be bothered buying 70s cookie cutters, so reached for a mug. Jon-Jon’s kitchen wasn’t well stocked, ok?

Anyway, sprinkle more polenta on the base of a large baking sheet and place the discs of dough on them. Top with another dusting of polenta and leave to prove – again – or half an hour.

Heat a large frying over the lowest possible heat and fry each muffin for about five minutes either side, or until golden, crisp and perfectly cooked.

Serve however you like, but slathered in Vegemite would make you a happy little Vegemite. So … yep.

 

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Jane Cakeghoulski

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Halloween, Party Food, Side, Snack, Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

Can you believe we’re at the Werewolf Bar Mitzvah crescendo already?! It feels like only yesterday that we were hanging out with Tracy, Judah, Scott and Jack – particularly Jack, since it was yesterday.

While we’ve managed to go the week without Teens and Al, we couldn’t celebrate a spooky soiree without the true Queen of 30 Rock, my dear friend, the supremely talented and future EGOT Jane Krakowski.

And by true Queen … would you cross Jenna Maroney?

I first met Jane in the 80s while co-starring in the original Broadway production of Starlight Express until my nemesis ALW cut my part – Spread, the loosest caboose – due to my pornographic interpretation of the roll. It was a rough time in my life, having my inevitable first Tony ripped from my hands and I never would have gotten through it without Jane’s love and support.

Given her egregious snubbing at this year’s Emmys, I really wanted to make our time together special enough to pay back her kindness … and there is nothing more special than a batch of my Jane Cakeghoulski.

 

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Again, cake decoration is far from strong point … but that doesn’t matter when the cake is this good. Which is all thanks to Nigella Lawson, since I converted her Chocolate Guinness Cake into cupcakes because what represents the blackness of death better than a dense, guinness cake? And what is better at making the whiteness of a ghost stand out.

Enjoy – you’ll never forget them!

 

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Jane Cakeghoulski
Makes: 12.

Ingredients
250ml guinness
250g unsalted butter
75g cocoa powder
400g caster sugar
140ml sour cream
2 large eggs
1 tbsp vanilla extract
275g plain flour
2½ tsp bicarb soda
250g cream cheese
150g icing sugar
125ml double cream
black icing and / or chocolate button eyes, to serve

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the guinness and butter in a large saucepan over low heat. Once the butter is completely melted, whisk in the cocoa and sugar and remove from the heat.

Whisk the sour cream, eggs and vanilla in a jug and then whisk into the slightly cooled mix, before whisk in the flour and bicarb.

Pour the batter – which is pretty runny, so don’t be alarmed – into 12 lined Texan muffin tins. You could also use normal muffin tins but then you’ll end up with huge muffin tops – which wouldn’t be the worst thing, they are all that. Place in the oven and bake for about half an hour, or until an inserted skewer comes out clean.

Remove to a rack to cool completely.

While it is getting hella cool, beat the cream cheese in a stand mixer until smooth. Add in the sieved icing sugar and double cream, and beat for a further minute.

Dollop the ghastly ghost icing on the blackened cakes, decorate with spooky faces … and then devour.

I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.

 

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Jack McGraveyard

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Halloween, Side, Snack, Sweets, Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

As you would have picked up by now, I have long been a support and inspiration to Teens over the years. None more so than when creating / fleshing out the life and times of one Kenneth Parcell aka my dear Jack McBrayer’s opus.

I first met Jack in the late 90s while he was attending the University of Evansville where I was lecturing in Theatre Administration. Shockingly, this was the one time I was actually qualified to teach what I was hired to do.

Jack always had an overabundance of talent, so I took him under my wing and mentored him to greatness. More importantly, since this is the one job I haven’t been run out of due to a scandalo, we have always remained close. After he graduated, I quickly convinced him to take up improv, got him a job at Second City and the rest, as they say, is history.

Or HERstory.

When Teens was developing 30 Rock, she was having trouble coming up with the Kenneth character so I regaled her with tales of my dear Jack and she developed the role with him in mind.

Obviously the whole Kenneth as an immortal being thing was inspired by my own apparent immortality – she thinks my time-travel is actually a sign of my own immortality – and the character of Hazel was based on my own horrid ways.

Jack has been busy lately, what with also starring in a modern Disney icon Wreck-It Ralph and its upcoming sequel, so we haven’t had much time to catch-up. Thankfully he was eager to clear his schedule for the Werewolf Bar Mitzvah and to split a big ole Jack McGraveyard.

 

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Full disclosure – let’s pretend you haven’t noticed before, ok – presentation / themed edible situations are not my forte … but when they taste this good, you should just look past that.

With a brownie base as black as a lost soul, littered with walnut brains and rotten (cranberry) flesh and topped with a cream cheese grass, this is a graveyard that will make you happy.

Plus, Trump has a tombstone … that counts for something, right?

Enjoy!

 

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Jack McGraveyard
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
225g dark chocolate
225g butter
2 tsp vanilla extract
¼ cup fresh coffee
200g raw caster sugar
3 large eggs, whisked
150g almond meal
100g walnuts, chopped
100g craisins, chopped
½ cup icing sugar
1 tsp milk
black food colouring
4 oval biscuits
250g cream cheese
1 tbsp double dream
green food colouring
extra 100g chocolate, melted, for decorating – I used a combination

Method
Preheat oven to 170°C.

In a large saucepan over low heat, melt the butter and chocolate together. Remove from the heat, mix in the vanilla, coffee and sugar, and allow to cool slightly.

Once it has had time to chill, beat in the eggs, almond meal, walnuts and craisins. Transfer to a lined, square baking tin and bake for 20-30 minutes, or until set but still a little gooey. Allow to cool completely.

While the brownies are cooling, combine half the icing sugar and milk in a small bowl with a drop of black food icing to make your tombstone lacquer. Dip the oval biscuits in and allow to set on a lined baking sheet, repeating a couple of times to build up the layers – clearly it was too hot for it to set properly in my house.

Meanwhile beat the cream cheese, remaining icing sugar and double cream in a stand mixture until smooth. Add in enough green colouring to turn it into grass, or slime, whatever you’d rather. I also added black, because spooky.

By now the brownie should be adequately chilled so flip it over onto a serving plate, and dig out space for four graves. Ice around the graves, chuck in the tombstones and return the dug-out dirt to create freshly buried mounds.

Drizzle with melted chocolate, adorn your tombstones and devour. Edible glitter and other kitsch decorative things are highly encouraged – this isn’t a low-rent cemetery!

 

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