Academy Award Winner

Elton Johnnycakes

Breakfast, Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Golden Little Pill, Snack

I know what you’re thinking – did hell freeze over? While technically, the answer is no (as far as we can tell), both Elts and I felt that with Trump’s election, the impossible and stupid is now possible and so our feuding should come to an end.

Despite my pledge to always be his staunchest of rivals.

We started a renewed correspondence back in mid-December to throw shade at the vile pig that was elected as the President of the United States. After a few weeks of back and forth rage, we realised that despite our tumultuous past it was time to unite for the greater good of the world – it is amazing what a mutual enemy does for one’s friendships!

(Yes, I’m now going for a Nobel Peace Prize too – FYI … in lieu of the Oscar he made me lose in the ‘90s).

Wanting to sort out our issues before we both changed our mind – and given the fact he has his own Oscars celebration – I decided to mark our renewed friendship by including him in our Grammy Gold celebrations, rather than wait (or rub salt in the wounds) for Oscar Gold.

While it was obviously, extremely awkward for a good twenty minutes or so as we both circled each other hurling back-handed compliments, until I softened and mentioned his spawn, softening his heart and allowing us to truly connect like in the good old days.

Well, almost – he hadn’t had a post-flight colonic. Which reminds me, he obvs wrote Benny and the Jets about me during happier times.

Not to let that dampen the mood, I quickly whipped up a batch of my Elton Johnnycakes – for the first time post feud – which was our go to post-coitus (or colonic) snack.

 

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Pancakes are good and all, but how can you go past a option that is thicker, juicer and packed full of a different flavour. Gah – I think I missed Elts in our time apart, don’t tell anyone.

Enjoy!

 

elton-johnnycakes-2

 

Elton Johnnycakes
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
150g polenta
100g flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1 tbsp raw caster sugar
pinch of salt
2 eggs
300ml milk
30g butter, melted

Method
Combine the dry ingredients in a large bowl and whisk together the milk and eggs in a jug. Stirring constantly, whisk the wet ingredients into the dry until some and combined. Finally, whisk in the butter.

Meanwhile heat a skillet over medium heat. Melt a small lug of butter and when foamy, add in a ¼ cup of batter into the pan. After a minute or so, flip over the cake and cook for a further minute. Transfer to a plate.

Repeat until done and devour in bed, alone or with a dear friend (in the ‘70s obvs, not now).

 

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Steak Diane Keaton

A decade of saying so, Main

Some would say that Because I Said So is a tragic fall from grace for my dear Academy Award winning friend Diane Keaton. To them I say – and you should probably know where this is going as we’ve hit day three of our decade of saying so celebrations – fuck you.

Saying Because I Said So is a terrible movie or a fall from grace is nothing more than an alternate fact and frankly, fake news. To be honest, it should have won a million, million and a half Oscars.

Anyway, Di jumped at the chance to drop by and hang out – she was chomping at the bit to be included in my last two Oscar Gold celebrations – to celebrate her underrated gem.

I first met Di in the early ‘70s while working on The Godfather – as you know, I’m very close with the Coppola-Cage-Schwartzman Dynasty. I mistakenly thought that  it was a documentary – let’s put it down to the chilling performance rather than casual racism –  and was drawn to Di as she appeared to be the least likely to kill me.

What ensued is a beautiful friendship that has lasted ever since, with only one hiccup – she broke the girl code and played Keanu’s love interest. Thankfully she is so delightful and kind that  she grovelled adequately enough to nip our feud in the bud at seven days, four hours and thirteen minutes.

Like me, Di is a big fan of Because I Said So and her work in it. As such, we spoke at length discussing why the media was so against the clear classic and how to bring about its renaissance a decade on.

So yeah, deep conversation with a lot of work, meaning we earnt every piece of our Steak Diane Keaton.

 

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Despite what you may think, I’m not a huge meat eater. I mean sure, I love me some meat, but I never really got into the culinary equivalent until I had my wisdom teeth removed. After ten days of not eating anything but yoghurt, any chicken loving, white-man-diet enjoying would turn to a steak.

Particularly if is drowned in some delicious diane sauce – enjoy!

 

steak-diane-keaton-2

 

Steak Diane Keaton
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
4 shallots, trimmed and sliced
150g button mushrooms, sliced
1 tbsp salted butter
3 garlic cloves, peeled and crushed
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp Dijon mustard
⅓ cup brandy
1 cup double cream
handful of flat-leaf parsley, roughly chopped
4 sirloin steaks, excess fat removed, size depending on your appetite

Method
Heat a lug of olive oil in a medium skillet and cook the shallots for a minute before adding the mushrooms, butter and garlic and cook for a minute. Stir through the Worcestershire and mustard for a couple of minutes before adding the brandy. Turn up the heat, bring to the boil, then reduce the heat, stir through the cream and simmer for a couple of minutes, or until reduced. Remove from the heat and stir through the parsley.

Season the steaks on both sides and heat a lug of olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Sear the steaks on both sides for about three minutes, more or less depending on how you like steak. Just make sure to only flip it once. Remove from the pan to rest for a minute or two before serving, drowned in sauce with some *spoiler alert*.

 

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Turkey and Brie Larson Pizza

Main, Party Food, Snack

Seriously – is there anyone sweeter than Brie Larson?

Obviously that question is rhetorical since I’m her friend and you’re not, but I swear Brie Larson is a damn saint. I mean, just look through her post-Trumpotus-elect Instagram feed – she is a damn angel that we don’t deserve.

Brie and I have been close friends for more than a decade after meeting on the set of 13 Going on 30. I could tell immediately that she was destined for greatest and made it my life’s work to help her succeed … which I have, so look at me being a success!

Anywho, I contacted my friend Toni and got Brie cast in the hit show United States of Tara, which led to Short Term 12 which, of course, led to Room … and her Oscar. As you can imagine, I haven’t let her forget that I am integral to all her success.

Given the post-Oscar spike – not enjoyed by my friend Halle Berry or frenemy Nicole Kidman – Brie and I haven’t been able to get together to celebrate her victory / discuss my involvement in the Captain Marvel movie (or as a love interest for Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy – I’m not picky).

It was so wonderful to be able to join together to celebrate our – yes our – wonderful achievements in Room over a rich, festively appropriate Turkey and Brie Larson Pizza.

 

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This pizza originally came about due to me needing to work through an over abundance of post-Thanksgiving turkey but after training myself to become a competitive eater, it grew into its own delightful, meatbally delight.

That is a word.

Spicy, tart and a little bit decadent, this is the perfect meal for bridging the gap between holidays and / or eating your feelings.

Enjoy!

 

turkey-brie-larson-pizza-2

 

Turkey and Brie Larson Pizza
Serves: 2-6.

Ingredients
pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)
passata or tomato paste, with a combination of herbs
500g turkey mince
1 tsp cinnamon
2 cloves garlic, minced
olive oil
½ cup cranberry sauce
a couple of sage leaves, roughly chopped
100g(ish, no judgement if you want more) brie, roughly sliced

Method
Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Combine the mince, cinnamon and garlic in a bowl, and heat a lug of olive oil in a large frying pan over medium heat. Pinch out small chunks of meat and add to the pan, not worrying too much about forming them into perfect balls, and cook until completely browned. Add in the cranberry sauce and cook for a further minute and remove from heat.

Once you’ve rolled out the dough and covered it in your herby passata, sprinkle with sage leaves, top generously with meatballs and top with brie.

Pop it straight into the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until the cheese is melted and crisp.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Enough room at the inn

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

The holidays truly do bring everyone together.

After seeing me spend time with the Gilmore gang over the past couple of weeks, my dear friend Brie Larson reached out to see if I was free for a little post-Thanksgiving / pre-Christmas catch-up.

Now I know I’m peaking too early for my annual Oscar Gold celebrations – what with one of the most newly minted winners being in demand during the festivities – but Brie is such a doll and how can I say no to such a  sweetie?

Exactly.

So what says happy holidays / congrats on your Oscar / please finally get me cast in a Marvel movie?

Image source: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Philly Collins Cheesesteak

Main, Party Food, Snack

It was always going to be an awkward start to my peace feast with Phil, what with the viral infection injection thing. Oh, and the whole gag I sold to South Park about his obsession with his Oscar – FYI, that was totally true and I’m 30% sure he had it on him when he dropped by – and well, I can’t talk about everything else I’ve done to him due to the lingering lawsuits and payouts.

Just trust me when I say that Phil was on the receiving end of one of my top ten most vicious moments.

But then it wasn’t awkward, not even at all. Time apparently heals all wounds as Phil took me in his arms as soon as he walked into the house. I cried, he cried, then he sobbed, I pretended to sob to avoid it being awkward and then I apologised.

Literally two minutes in and my epic apology monologue – it rivalled Cersei’s revenge monologue for epicness – wasn’t even needed. Thankfully I’ve burnt a lot of bridges so I’ll be able to use it again, I’m sure.

Phil has been super busy since coming out … of retirement early last year, remastering his old albums, writing new material and planning a tour. Oh and he signed a book deal and will be releasing his autobiography in October … and when I heard that, everything became clear – he wants me to ghostwrite the book.

While I’m pretty pissed he expects me to plug it out in a mere matter of months, given the countless ways I ruined his life I really couldn’t say no. Plus, at least I can manage my image in the story, you know?

Either way, Phil got a ghostwriter, I got some undeserved forgiveness and we both rekindled our friendship over my famed – and his favourite – Philly Collins Cheesesteak.

 

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I’ve made no secret of my love for warm meat, slathered in creamy cheese … but these really get me salivating. I mean, tender slices of steak on a soft pillowy bun and cheese, my favourite, cheese – it doesn’t get any better. Oh yeah, it does – sweet onions, earthy mushrooms, hot mustard and peppers.

It really does get better – enjoy!

 

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Philly Collins Cheesesteak
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 hoagie rolls
6-12 slices provolone
1kg loin steaks, trimmed and sliced into thin strips
olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tbsp worcestershire sauce
hot english mustard

Sauteed mushrooms
2tbsp unsalted butter
500g button mushrooms, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Caramelised onions
2 tbsp unsalted butter
2 large brown onions, thinly sliced
salt and pepper, you guessed it – to taste!

Peppers aka capsicum
2 tbsp olive oil
1 green capsicum, thinly sliced
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
1/16 tbsps of salt and precisely 6.3g freshly ground black pepper, but seriously … to taste

Method
Place the steak in the freezer for about half an hour while you get to work on all of the other elements.

Start with the mushrooms and melt the butter in a frying pan over high heat until foamy. Reduce heat to medium, add the mushrooms and cook until they are soft, silky and browned.

Then move to the onions and start again by melting the butter over high heat until foamy. Reduce the heat, this time to low, and cook the onions slowly until they are soft and caramelised – about half an hour. Keep an eye on the onions, but move on to the peppers now, ok?

In another pan – how many pans do I expect you to own? Maybe decant the mushrooms to a dish and keep warm, wipe out the mushroom pan and heat, this time the oil, over high heat. Add the capsicums and stir-fry for a minute or so, or until they are soft and vibrant.

Now that they are sorted, remove the steak from the freezer and slice very thinly. Heat a griddle over high heat, brush with oil and cook for about a minute per side. Remove to a dish, pour over the worcestershire, season and keep warm.

Now for the fun to start – split the hoagies, butter generously (if you like heat) with hot english mustard, spoon in mushrooms, onions and peppers, top with the piping hot meat and layer with cheese. Hopefully your cheese will melt from the heat more than mine did, but hey it is cold for Brisbane at the moment.

Then, don’t think twice – devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Coming back to me, against all odds

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

So I’ve been seeing a lot of buses promoting the upcoming Legend of Tarzan movie and in addition to being wildly aroused, it got me feeling all nostalgic about my dear frenemy Phil Collins.

While we started off as close friends after co-writing In the Air Tonight in ‘81, we haven’t spoken after a period of ugliness in the late 90s/early 00s – he deemed my contribution to You’ll Be in My Heart non-existent and had my name struck from the credit (losing me yet another Oscar) and in revenge I injected a virus into an ear causing him to become partially deaf.

Don’t worry, sadly the wonders of 00s medicine cured the deafness … so really, I don’t get why he chose to hold a grudge?

Anyway, if OITNB taught me anything it is that life is too short and knowing that I’ll be seeing a couple of hours of Skarsy’s naked torso in a matter of weeks, I decided to reach out and spread my preemptive joy with Phil, and finally end our feud.

Shockingly, he agreed to drop by!

What says sorry I tried to ruin your career and end your passion by making you deaf in revenge for removing my name from the credit of our Oscar winning song that I didn’t contribute to in the slightest?

Picture source: AP Photo/Alan Diaz.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Quincy Jones Paste

Condiment, Dip, Snack

Let me get it out of the way straight away, ironically; dear, beautiful Quincy is the one that first awakened my sexuality in the 60s. So yes, you could say that Quincy made me mincey.

Digressed? I’ve done it.

I first connected with Quincy in ‘64 when I was trying to get signed as a swing superstar, without realising it was a musical style. At the time, Q (obvs, I call him Q), was the vice-president of Mercury Records and despite not being interested in my offer to swing, say a different talent with my mouth/throat combo and hired me to sing vocals on his compositions.

My stunning vocal stylings lead to him taking the leap into the film industry. Say what you will about giving talentless people attention, but he fuelled me to become a triple threat and despite his eventually diagnosis with tone deafness leading to the realisation that I was utter crap, it did lead to the birth of his majesty.

You’re welcome. Also, I think that doctor was a quack because, well, what did it even take to be a doctor in the 60s? I assume cigars, scotch and stethoscopes, but I’ve digressed. Either way, I have talent and the doctor obviously lied.

After a successful two decades as his muse, Q and I lost touch as I discovered cocaine in the 80s and commence my priz and rehab period. It wasn’t until I was working the casting department of this timeline’s Park and Recreation and I noticed a young Rashida Jones, who I hadn’t seen since she was knee high to a pig’s eye, and I reached back out to connect with her father. Obviously we’ve been going strong ever since.

Q is such a sweety and given the soulful sound of his music and creative nature of our friendship, we like to get together for a few wines while discussing jazz, the industry and scat. Not that scat, obviously. As you would no doubt be aware, wine calls for snacks and nothing is the soul to wine’s bossa nova quite like some cheese with my Quincy Jones paste.

 

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Maggie Beer’s quince paste has long held the mantle for greatest paste I’ve eaten (Clag being ineligible in this fantasy challenge), but no offense Mags this is better.

Now I am not saying I’m the second coming of Maggie Beer, per say, however it is hard to go past a fresh paste, you know?

And I am the second coming of Maggie Beer – enjoy!

 

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Quincy Jones Paste
Makes: Enough for a stack of cheese plates? Say, 12-16 servings.

Ingredients
2 quinces, cored, coarsely chopped (leave the skin on … f-loads of pectin, yo)
raw caster sugar

Method
Place the quince in a large saucepan, cover with water and bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer, covered, for 30 minutes and delightfully tender.

If it is not delightful, keep going until it is.

Place the soft quince in a food processor/blender/a jug and stick blender combo and blitz until smooth and glorious. I mean really blitz the absolute shit out of it, ok?

Measure out how much puree you’ve got and combine that in a saucepan with an equal amount of raw caster sugar. Place over very low heat and cook, stirring occasionally for 3 hours. In that time, science will create wonders and it will turn ruby red, thicken and be all around stunning. At that point, set aside for 15 minutes to cool.

Combine quince and sugar in a large, clean heavy-based saucepan. Place on a simmer mat over low heat and cook, stirring, for 5 minutes or until sugar dissolves. Reduce heat to very low and cook, stirring occasionally, for 3 1/2 hours or until mixture is ruby red, thick and leaves the side of pan. Set aside for 15 minutes to cool.

Meanwhile, line some ramekins or a square baking dish (depending on how much you end up with, the depth of the set paste etc. Just go nuts) with cling. Pour quince mixture into whatever dish you select and smooth the top. Cover directly on top with cling and set aside for 6 hours or until set.

When set, carve what you want and place it on a serving dish with copious amounts of cheese and crackers.

The rest can be stored in an air-tight container in the fridge. How long, I don’t know. I downed mine in under two weeks … and hope to get a spot on the next Biggest Loser season.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Tagene Hackman

12th Annual Easter Meggstravaganza, Easter Meggstravaganza, Main

You know that friend you have that every time another close friend dies you think, damn I miss Mr/Ms X so much, they went too soon … only to Google them to be reminded of their death information and discover they aren’t actually dead?

Yep, that is my dear friend and ex-lover Gene Hackman … making him the perfect candidate for phase four of the Meggstravaganza … and a welfare check.

I first connected with Gene Genie in the 40s through our (well his brother and mine) mutual friend, Dick Van Dyke. While I had a falling out with Dick after using his name during my brief stint in porn in the 60s, Gene and I have enjoyed a close, continuing friendship for the past 70-odd years.

Gene’s passion for my porn career probably helped.

Gene and I enjoyed a brief open relationship in the late 60s, probably due to the social climate at the time, and as such, he was lucky to avoid having me as a scorned ex. This helped in him securing his Oscars, as I am one of the top award season smear-campaigners working in Hollywood.

Gene was so thrilled to see me and I him – mainly out of relief that he isn’t dead. Gene was very excited to be able to share a meal and help his former co-star return to fame (he thinks French Kiss and The French Connection franchise are the same thing). I do get the feeling he was more excited to have a nice homecooked Tagene Hackman though?

 

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But who wouldn’t be?

I mean, a big kick of spice, the majesty of lamb, the trashiness addition of frozen peas and a rich, spicy tomato sauce to delicately cook eggs – what more could you want?

That’s right, nada – enjoy!

 

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Tagene Hackman
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g lamb mince
2 onions, very finely chopped
3 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cumin
½ tsp chilli powder
1 tsp paprika
¼ cup finely chopped coriander leaves
¼ cup finely chopped flat leaf parsley
5 eggs
salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp tomato paste
2 tbsp chilli flakes
400g can chopped tomatoes
2 tsp honey
200g frozen peas
Chopped parsley, to garnish

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C.

In a large bowl combine the lamb, half the onion, garlic, ginger, cumin, chilli powder, paprika, coriander, parsley and an egg. Season and mix well, before rolling out into balls just smaller than golf balls. Cover with cling and leave to rest in the fridge for a couple of hours.

When you’re ready to cook, heat the olive oil in a tagine over medium heat and sweat the onions with the chilli flakes until sweet and translucent.

Scrape the onion to one side of the tagine and add the meatballs, cooking until lightly browned. Add the can of tomatoes, paste and honey, stirring carefully to combine. Reduce the heat to low, cover and simmer for ten minutes.

Remove from the heat, uncover, sprinkle the peas over the top and stir. Crack the eggs onto the top of the stew. Return the lid and place into the oven for up to ten minutes, until the eggs are cooked to your liking.

Remove from the lid, garnish with feta, parsley and serve, generously, with couscous.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

LIVE BLOG: The 88th Annual Academy Awards – Oscars 2016

Live Blog, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVI: Gold Interrupted, TV Recap

9:00 PST
Coming in just on time – God has (ironically enough) presented Spotlight with the Best Picture gong … proving, once again, that I am psychic!

Well done to all the winners, most of you my closest friends – can’t wait to catch-up soon!

8:59 PST
Classic Leo – class and causes, well done … I’ll ignore the fact you’re the only person not to be played off.

8:54 PST
Harvey Weinstein will be devastated he blew his money trying to continue the Loser Leo memes.

Well done Leo, you beautiful bastard – it truly has been too long!

The standing ovation is going to push this thing overtime.

8:47 PST
Brie is such a doll and I desperately need to catch-up with her ASAP.

I am so sad Room won’t win Best Picture.

8:44 PST
Best Actress and my psychic ability is safe.

Let me beat Eddie to it – congratulations Brie!

8:39 PST
And The Revenant is making a comeback at the expense of my psychic ability and poor little Georgie.

It is deserved and I love him, but I decided I am going with Aussie pride an hour or so ago, so am now sad.

8:37 PST
We are back to checking my psychic ability with the presentation of Best Director …

8:27 PST
Ugh, as much as I hate Sam Smith, Kate Winslet’s fist-pumping makes the win tolerable.

And his shout-out to the LGBT community is always a win … despite him not being anywhere close to being the first openly gay man to win an Oscar.

8:24 PST
OG song – can The Weeknd shame D-Bag Foster?

8:23 PST
My boy Quincy is in the house – I really need to catch-up with him soon!

He is presenting Best Original Score, again something I win in 2036. This year, it was taken out by The Hateful Eight, bagging dear Ennio Morricone his first competitive Oscar.

8:13 PST
Ok … but she can sing.

8:10 PST
Joe was bide-n his time with me in the green room while we discussed future policies and HRC’s odds on Super Tuesday.

He begged me to get involved with this year’s election, so stay tuned.

Back to the Oscars though, Lady Gaga’s transition to the film and television industry is fetch … in that it is not going to happen (if I can stop it … K DUNST FOREVER).

8:09 PST
Who am I kidding? Sofia Vergara is charming enough to get away with Travolta-ing a name. But she won’t, because she is a boss.

Well done to Son of Sa-ool. I jinxed her, didn’t I. At least hers is because of an accent, amirite Adele Dazeem?

8:06 PST
Bringing the adorable pre-teen charm, Jacob and Abraham are back to present Best Live Action Short Film.

They are probably the only people that could get away with Travolta-ing a name tonight.

Off topic, Jacob is giving me Room flashbacks and now I’m more depressed than In Memoriam and Bing Bong’s (snubbed) suicide combined.

Well done to the team behind Stutterer.

7:59 PST
I just counted at least 20 exes in the In Memoriam segment.

Oh, and Bing Bong was excluded.

7:54 PST
Chez is here and is giving a rousing speech about equality – I can’t even make jokes about her.

7:50 PST
Gena, Spike and my love, Debbie fucking Reynolds are here and I couldn’t be happier.

7:43 PST
Amy, as I knew, has taken out Best Documentary Feature.

It was presented by the girl who stole my role in the new Star Wars film and the babe who Judi Dench hooked me up with on the set of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

7:40 PST
Louis C.K. is here to present Best Documentary Short and is acknowledging that this is the most meaningful of the awards, sorry Leo.

Well done to the team behind A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness.

Sharmeen, we need to catch-up soon!

7:32 PST
Um … what? I can’t believe I got one wrong. Mark was very deserving and I love him (I was a fluffer on Intimacy), but we missed the chance to struggle through another Sly speech!

7:28 PST
Patty has arrived, so that means only one thing – Best Supporting Actor.

Hopefully they invested in some subtitles for Sly.

7:15 PST
I am back to being shocked that The Weeknd is the sole nominee from 50 Shades of Grey.

7:12 PST
And now shocking nobody, Inside Out has won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature.

RIP Bing Bong – I will protest if you’re excluded from the In Memoriam segment.

7:08 PST
I am shocked Mad Max didn’t win for Best Animated Short.

Bear Story looks cute though, I just feel Mad Max was more deserving.

7:06 PST
I requested pizza, but cookies purchased for me by countless ex-lovers is pretty damn good.

7:03 PST
Guess it is time to end my feud with Shonda.

7:00 PST
Jason Segel and Olivia Munn are an odd pair, until you realise they aren’t – I am trying for a threesome later.

Hopefully they have caught the Aussie fever too?

6:55 PST
Serkis presented Ex Machina with the win for Visual Effects, meaning Mad Max has another person who can feel awkward about not winning.

In positive news, Mad Max has officially become the most awarded film of the 88th Annual Academy Awards … an hour and a half into the seventeen hour broadcast.

6:54 PST
My ex-lover Andy Serkis is on stage. I had a Gollum fetish and when he was out of the motion-capture suit, he lost his appeal.

6:52 PST
Sound Mixing? Yep … Mad Max.

I am totally picking up tonight, Hollywood is loving Aussies.

The Revenant is 1 from 7, Mad Max is 6 from 7. Awkward for their Cinematographer, amirite?

6:49 PST
Sorry, I should reiterate … I am psychic.

Fun fact: The Revenant are currently 1 for 6.

6:48 PST
Sound Editing, another subject I know nothing about but win an Oscar for in 2036 (I win 13 individual awards and go down in history).

I’m going out on a limb and announcing Mad Max before they do.

6:47 PST
Chris is doing a great job … but I would love for him to spring for a pizza like Ellen.

6:41 PST
Editing gives Mad Max its fourth win for the evening.

I think Stacey Dash was a joke. Whether she was in on it, is questionable.

6:37 PST
So while they give out the Achievement in Cinematography Award to The Revenant (finally getting on the board tonight), I’m going to continue looking into whether the Stacey Dash bit was a joke.

I’m really concerned guys and you should be too.

6:27 PST
Make-up and hairstyling have made it an early hat-trick for Mad Max. Glad my fellow Gold Coast girl Margot was able to bring them some more Aussie pride.

Wake me when George is on stage or robbed by Alejandro (whom I love, despite the below slight.

6:24 PST
Jenny Beavan has taken out Best Costume design and I noticed Alejandro giving her side eye for the jacket I designed.

I am crushed.

I have no idea what exactly Production Design is, but I win the Oscar for it in 2036. I assume I am mentored by tonight’s winners, Colin Gibson and Lisa Thompson?

6:18 PST
Cate is on stage so I’m currently in the green room looking for booze, giving Chris a pep talk and just being a dominant force of nature.

I wish you got to experience the glamour, it is great!

6:13 PST
I feel like the scrolling ‘Thank you’ section isn’t actually cutting the speeches down?

6:12 PST
Best Supporting Actress time, welcome to the Oscar winner club Alicia! For the record, I’m currently 3 for 3.

6:06 PST
My falsetto is better. Also, why are they cropping me out of frame whenever they show Cate?

6:02 PST
Sam Smith is singing and once again, I am yawning.

I’m ducking out for a Double Double, be back soon.

6:00 PST
Um, was the Stacey Dash bit meant to be a joke?

5:51 PST
Adapted Screenplay is up with Ryan Gosling continuing his run as a comedian.

And Anchorman‘s snubbing is redeemed – well done, The Big Short!

5:46 PST
First award of the night is up, Original Screenplay. I win this in 2036 for Little Whorephan Andy.

Well done, Spotlight!

5:36 PST
I added the Jada jokes – she knows what she did.

5:32 PST
Chris is looking great and is going to do such a great job.

Remember when I helped with the script?

5:28 PST
It’s show time!

5:15 PST
Leo and Kate are adorable. On that note, he could have fit and Rose is a murderer.

Lady Gaga looks good and I think that is more disappointing than the fact that she is a nominee tonight.

5:05 PST
Fassbender looks great but makes me want to nap. Not just because of Shame.

My nemesis Reece Witherspoon looks good and that makes me sad.

4:55 PST
Rachel McAdams is beautiful in emerald, reminding us that she was robbed for Mean Girls.

Julie Moore is confusing me in Chanel.

4:41 PST
Heidi Klum is terrifying in my mother’s 90s sheer curtains, with some added side boob.

4:33 PST
Now returning down-under, Cate Blanchett’s gown is a floral ode to my bird phobia, sea foam, scary and stunning. 5 stars.

Naomi Watts is beautifully dressed as navy fish, again, in a good way.

Meanwhile in the northern hemisphere, Tilda SwintonSandy Powell is currently winning Best Dressed coming in costume as David Bowie.

4:24 PST
Bryan Cranston is breaking me, bad, in his tux.

4:17 PST
Margot Robbie slaying the carpet, putting the gold in Gold Coast girl.

Rooney Mara bringing the skin and killing it.

Best Actress (soon-to-be)winner Brie Larson has arrived in a stunning Gucci gown, with accessories styled by Sylvester Stallone in character as Rocky.

Jacob Tremblay is reportedly infuriated by her slight.

4:07 PST
Olivia Munn looking exquisite in Stella McCartney. Classic, simple, perfect – 5 stars.

4:05 PST
Common has just arrived in an #OscarsSoWhite tux by D&G.

4:00 PST
Eddie Redmayne, looking to claim back-to-back Best Actor trophies, is looking dapper on the red carpet in Alexander McYasQueen.

I know where I want to find his fantastic beast later tonight – 4.5 stars.

3:55 PST
Saoirse Ronan who I trained to be a horrible person for Atonement has hit the red carpet and is being charming – I have no idea what she is saying, but I love her so I don’t care.

Looking stunning in an Irish green custom Calvin – 4 stars.

3:51 PST
Olivia Wilde, whom I met and became close with on the set of The O.C. has just arrived on the red carpet in Valentino.

She has described it as fun, I describe it as a glamorous version of a fireman’s outfit (think Samantha in the fire house in SATC) crossed with nipple-tape.

3:35 PST
Whoopi has hit the carpet, looking stunning. Sadly the banana shoes didn’t make the cut.

3:33 PST
Jacob Tremblay is literally the only person shorter than Seacrest.

By a matter of inches.

3:30 PST
Sofia Vergara looks like a dignified version of tit soup in the Playboy episode of Sex and the City.

That is meant as a compliment – 3.5 stars.

3:27 PST
Scrap that – hope her publicist is giving her the 50 bucks for making her turn on me.

If she doesn’t win, this will start a feud – mark my words.

3:23 PST
Best Supporting Actress front runner Alicia Vikander just earned 50 bucks by snubbing Seacrest in her beautiful Louis Vuitton gown – 4 stars.

Such a great person to have in my squad!

3:21 PST
Sam Smith – yawn. Go to In’n’Out.

3:16 PST
My divine friend Mindy Kaling is envious of my busy schedule today – she too will enjoy success one day, I am sure.

She is looking anything but disgust-ing on the red carpet though!

3:11 PST
My ex-collaborator Adam McKay has just arrived and is totally banging.

Will The Academy make up for snubbing him for the Anchorman saga?

Hot tip: Aaron and I think he will win for his screenplay for The Big Short.

3:01 PST
Gena Rowlands is here and is such a doll and her lifetime achievement award is so well deserved.

We first met on the set of A Woman Under the Influence, where I taught her how to be under the influence.

2:50 PST
Thank you for joining the carpet Independent Spirit Award winner, Abraham Attah from Beasts of No Nation!

He is 30 years Seacrest’s junior, but 2 feet taller.

2:47 PST
So I forgot how much of a snooze the early part of the red carpet was. Between Dickie trying to kiss me and Gu handing out markers to colour in her gown, I am so bored.

Please follow me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+, and give me a reason to look at my phone and avoid chit chat with these people!

2:41 PST
Brad and Ange’s kids drew the flowers on Giuliana Rancic’s dress. Two stars.

2:36 PST
Richard Wilkins just tried to make out with me. Um, Richard, we haven’t done that in like four years.

Can people start arriving so this gets less awkward?

2:31 PST
Best part of working the red carpet? Looking tall by standing near Ryan Seacrest. Tonight he is dressed by Pumpkin Patch.

2:27 PST
We are live! We are betting on Cate and Brie tying for best dressed – Cate looks stunning (I am her date) and Brie looked great at the fitting I attended with her. I wonder how Seacrest will offend them?

Sly will look like a total babe.

What are your predictions?

 

Happy Oscars day everyone!

Hollywood’s night of nights is finally upon us and a new batch of recipients are about to be awarded one of the world’s highest honours – don’t even try and pretend that this isn’t true.

As I announced on Friday, I’m trying something new to Fame Hungry – the 88th Annual Academy Awards live blog, providing you with the insider gossip from an industry stalwart and close friend of 99% of The Academy.

I don’t mean to gloat or make you feel lazy, but this blogging effort will be amongst my numerous commitments for the day, which include but are not limited to, hosting the red carpet specials on E!, Bravo, ABC, Retirement Living, Dish Nation, The CW and Briz 31, styling Richard Wilkins’ hair for the Australian Today show, acting as Ruffalo’s double when the ceremony starts to drag, attending as Cate’s date and doctoring Chris’ script from the green room.

I will also be feuding with Gugu-B Rancid, but who isn’t?

So strap in and keep your mouse close to the refresh button as I take you inside the Oscars!

Image source: The Academy.

Shirliders MacLaine

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVI: Gold Interrupted, Party Food, Snack

To finish off my pre-Oscar celebrations – aka Oscar Gold week – I’ve got to go with one of my oldest, figuratively and literally, and zaniest fellow Academy Award winning friends – Shirls.

And hurly burly what a girly my dear Shirley MacLaine is!

I’ve long been a family friend of the MacLaine-Beatty’s after meeting Shirl in NY in the 50s where I was turning tricks and being a stand-over man around the time Babs made it big. Shirl needed a favour bumping off the actress she was understudying, so I assisted in taking her out by breaking her ankle which went on to inspire both Tonya Harding’s attack on Nancy Kerrigan and the movie Showgirls.

That also contributed to my time in the clink in the 60s.

As I had learnt not to rat out my friends long ago, I kept her involvement quiet and was thrilled to watch her success from the sidelines before reconnecting in the 70s and subsequently became her go-to Oscars date due to my dashing looks and raging homosexuality.

As both Shirls and I are 30-40% psychic, it was less of a discussion about the winners (I spent a lot of time asking about her casting in the live action Little Mermaid film) and more about reading the lettuce leaves left on our plate from my Shirliders MacLaine.

 

shirliders-maclaine-1

 

Burgers are arguably my favourite food … but sliders are better. I mean, why have one large burger when you can have 47 mini burgers? As they are tiny, it means you’re not gluttonous!

Enjoy … particularly while you watch Spotlight, Inside Out, George, Leo, Brie, Alicia and my lover, man I’ve body-doubled for and dialect coach Syl take home their Oscars.

Oh – did I mention I am hosting seven separate red-carpet specials (take THAT Rancid), attending as Mark Ruffalo’s seat-double (I need to talk more about my extensive career as a double) and Cate’s date while also live blogging and tweeting (so fucking hip, is this 2008?) the entire thing on Sunday/Monday, timezone dependant?

You should bookmark the page or something and join me while I spill the inside goss and roast the jokers I call my filthy frenemies.

 

shirliders-maclaine-2

 

Shirliders MacLaine
Serves: 1 after the red carpet season ends, without judgement.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
salt
pepper
1 onion, finely diced
6-8 streaky bacon rashers, sliced to fit the rolls
150g sharp cheese or your choosing, sliced
iceberg lettuce (down with haters), finely diced
tomatoes, sliced
american mustard
ketchup
mayo
slider rolls (I went with the Briocher Bünsberg and just made them smaller, but not small enough)
olive oil

Method
Squeeze as much liquid (read: blood) from the mince as possible, aiming to avoid squirting it in your eye as that is foul and painful, and place it in a medium bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper.

With you hands, scrunch the mixture until it starts to come together. Break into 8-12 patties, depending on how big you like your sliders/made your buns. Place on a lined plate, cover and refrigerate for an hour or so.

Heat a lug of olive oil in a small saucepan over low heat and sweat the onions until soft, sweet and caramelised.

When ready to devour, over high heat, heat a large frying pan, griddle or barbecue, whichever you prefer. When hot, reduce to low, halve the buns and fry the open sides until toasty and golden.

Wipe out any crumbs and fry bacon until crisp and remove to some papertowel. Place patties on the hot pan/griddle/barbecue, flatten with a spatula and drizzle each with about ½ tsp of mustard. After a minute or so, flip the patties, watching for spitting mustard (which hurts like hell), and place a slice of cheese on top to melt. Cook for a further minute or so, depending on your tastes, and remove from the heat.

To assemble the sliders, butter the bottom of the buns with a generous smear of mayo, top with bacon, some caramelised onions, a slice of tomato, some iceberg lettuce and the molten hot cheesy, mustard patties, a squirt of ketchup if you want, and who doesn’t, before topping with the rest of the bun.

Serve with sweet potato fries on a large platter and gorge, with or without friends.

 

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