Author: Benjamin Woodley Judd

Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Poultry, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor – yes, I have to stipulate that now – Vavau neared extinction after the tribes absorbed resulting in major casualties in sweet, angel Craig and Aganoan goddess Phoebe.

We opened up right on schedule with the melancholic Vavau tribe, now down to three comparing their level of skeletal-ness. I literally can not pick a winner of this competition though.

Thankfully the tribes convened for what they thought was their next challenge where the Vavauns were surprised to discover they’ve been saved from themselves as the tribes actually merged and were treated to the Survivor Auction.

Conner walked away with the first two items, blowing all his money in the process, Sam bought some mediocre looking nachos, Brooke got a very cheap bath – why did no one bid against her? – while Lee got the ultimate prize – an advantage – for only $80, before Nick paid $440 for a covered item … which also turned out to be an advantage in the game.

The tribe arrived at their new camp, the former Vavau tribe, which made the old Saanapuans wistful for their days of opulence over at their camp. Instead they were stuck in the Survivor slums which Kristie and Phoebe attempted to burn to the ground but a week ago.

They immediately got to work scrambling as one tribe, with Flick leading the charge against Conner while Sue rallied the counter alliance to topple Saanapu. I’m not sure who should tell them the immunity challenge hadn’t even occurred yet?

Lee then disappeared to the well to discover his advantage, which is to block someone voting at tribal council.

Nick then disappeared to the well, at a different time, where he discovered he paid $360 more than Lee for an idol clue rather than a guaranteed advantage. Thankfully he found the idol … however sadly it was just after being sprung by Lee who is now wary of him.

The dominant alliance then found a pink piece of cloth and decided friendship bracelets were the best way to highlight the pecking order before they arrived at their first individual immunity challenge.

Sadly I was not competing as I would have dominated, I’ve never met someone that grips a pole quite like me!

After what seemed like an eternity, the poles got wet and slippery – according to JoJo, I didn’t actually see rain and think he was just feeling inspired by Probsty – before Kylie’s memory lapsed and Brooke took out immunity.

We returned to camp for the actual scrambling where we were reintroduced to Flick who seems to struggle with pronunciation before Nick got to work over-explaining a vote split, Sam worked his way into my good books by trying to turn it on Nick and Sue got to work dominating with a plan to screw Nick’s split vote.

The tribe – oh did I mention they called themselves Fia Fia? They did – arrived at tribal with me quite confused as to what would happen. Flick was confident, Nick was quietly confident and Conner was trying his best to throw the target on to someone else.

Anyone.

JoJo then opted to call out the friendship bracelets and attempted to throw them all under the bus as we headed into the vote, however poor Conner ran out of luck and found himself voted out.

While I’m sad that Sue’s plan didn’t come to fruition just for Nick’s tantrum alone, Conner was a legitimate threat and made sense however telling him how much of a scrappy underdog he was, isn’t what he wanted to hear as he stepped out of the game.

I’ve recently been teaching law in Canberra which is where I connected with Conner – seriously, why universities continue to hire me is beyond puzzling. As you can tell from the game, Conner is perceptive and could pick up on the fact I was not a qualified lawyer or professor. Despite this, his kind heart got in the way and we started a friendship despite his better judgement.

Thankfully for him though, that friendship meant I knew exactly what he needed as he exited the game – his favourite, my Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune.

 

arroz-conner-pollo-bethune-1

 

Hearty, warm, spicy and soothing – this dish is the epitome of comfort food while also packing a punch. Delicate saffron, a kick of cumin and the tart olives? Enjoy!

 

arroz-conner-pollo-bethune-2

 

Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
½ cup white wine, or as much as your drinking allows
pinch of saffron threads
6 chicken thighs fillets, diced
1 onion, finely diced
5 garlic cloves, minced
salt and pepper
olive oil
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground sweet paprika
400g can diced tomatoes
1 tbsp tomato paste
2 dried bay leaves
1 ½ cups short-grain rice
3 cups chicken stock, plus more if needed
1 cup pitted green olives, rinsed and drained
½ cup chargrilled capsicum, drained and roughly chopped
¼ cup parsley, roughly chopped

Method
Combine the wine and saffron in a bowl and allow to steep.

Heat a good lug of oil in a large dutch oven over medium heat and add the onion and garlic and sweat for a couple of minutes before adding the chicken with a good whack of salt and pepper and cook until browned.

Reduce the heat to low and add the tinned tomatoes and paste and cook stirring for a minute. Add the wine/saffron and bay leaves and cook until reduced slightly, about five-ten minutes.

Stir in the rice and stock, bring to a simmer, reduce the heat to low and cover, cooking for about half an hour stirring occasionally. Or until the liquid has all absorbed.

Remove from the heat, stir through the olives and capsicum and leave to stand for about ten minutes.

Then serve and devour.

 

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Frijoley Fisher Dip

Condiment, Dip

It is so hard being a close friend of celebrity dynasties. I mean, you catch up with one of your dearest friends and next thing you know, their kid half-sister is calling begging to reconnect as well!

Sure I would consider Joely Fisher a dear friend but just because I needed some soul affirming love from Carrie doesn’t mean I need to field over 100 missed calls a day from Jo, begging to catch-up.

After a quick call from my service provider begging me to just take the damn calls and free up their network, I relented and offered her a quick weekend slot to tide her over and help me soften up after the infuriating desperation of her calls.

As you can probably guess, I first met Jo through Caz after connecting in rehab and like the rest of the broader Reynolds-Fisher Dynasty, is a complete triple threat. Obviously being the youngest that I’m friends with, our duelling talents led to a friendly rivalry that would go on to inspire the hit movie Drop Dead Gorgeous.

Despite this, we have always remained close so I didn’t verbally assault her for the incessant calls.

Joels hasn’t be overly busy recently – aside from a guest stint on Tim Allen’s show and Drag Race U – so honestly, I was wary that this catch-up was an attempt to get back in the spotlight. Thankfully I was wrong and bless her heart, she truly just wanted some down time with a dear friend.

After learning that, I threw out my laxative-laced treat and quickly whipped up our favourite from our old vegas days, my Frijoley Fisher Dip.

 

frijoley-fisher-dip-1

 

Beans and by extension, bean dip, often get a bad rap for the music the oft inspire – which is not a probs if you’re singing and dancing 8 shows a week in Vegas – but this dip is killer. Maybe that has something to do with the shit tonne of cheese?

Warm, creamy and spicy – it is the perfect accompaniment to reconnecting with a friend.

Enjoy!

 

frijoley-fisher-dip-2

 

Frijoley Fisher Dip
Makes: 2 cups.

Ingredients
800g canned pinto beans
⅓ cup cream cheese
1 cup cheddar cheese, grated
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp chili powder
2 tbsp diced pickled jalapeños
1-2 shallots, finely sliced
extra cheddar and/or sour cream, to garnish

Method
Chuck beans and cream cheese in a food processor. Blitz.

Transfer to a small saucepan over medium heat, add other ingredients, stir to combine and heat until until all combined.

Top with shallots, grated cheese and/or a dollop of sour cream.

Devour.

 

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Rachel Akorean BBQ

Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X

Previously on Survivor – I know, isn’t this the premiere? – we were given the answer to the age old question, what could kaôh rōng? Specifically, kind of, for Aubry with the season resembling Game of Thrones and killing off three people, two of which were her closest allies. But that is another story from another time – seriously, click the link above if you want to hear about it – we’re off to Fiji for the battle of the ages.

A Survivor first … previously seen in both Panama and Nicaragua!

With that, we’re off. Then the game is off due to a cyclone and recommenced a day later before gen x learnt that taking both shortcuts – something they’d accuse the millennials of doing in real life – doesn’t work, heading to tribal and voting off the first of my competing friends.

Thankfully – spoiler alert – it wasn’t Ken, meaning he lives to see another day to inherit a blur in his tight, tight undies.

Jeff got to work making introductions, with high schooler Will admitting to the fact he was competing in addition to his homework, Paul described milk delivery as now the work of drones – not sure that is the case, but yay – and Michaela stole my heart by giving eye rolls that would make Sandra Diaz-Twine and Courtney Yates proud.

After an opportunity to scramble for supplies and making choices, old-Jessica grabbed an advantage in the game and Taylor opted to choke (I wish), sorry take, the chickens.

Jiffy then dropped the bomb that a large storm was expected in the coming days, scaring everyone shitless and warned them to build a shelter. Obviously the millennials then opted to go for a swim, rather than focus too hard on building a shelter as the aforementioned storm rolled in.

Thankfully Zeke spoke directly to my soul and admitted that being 28 but feeling 80 is a beautiful thing.

Over on gen x, Ken then started dominating like a boss given his experience living off the grid and old-Jessica introduced us to her Legacy Advantage which is vague, ominous and I’ll forget about it by the time she gets it.

Then Jeff sent them a love letter – which isn’t a good sign – to offer them a tarp for the cyclone. When it didn’t blow over, he visited and took them to share his hotel room with us to ride out the storm.

The tribes reconvened after the cyclone with the millennials rewarded for their previous lack of shelter by not having to rebuild, only build, before heading off to the immunity challenge, where – as I previously mentioned – gen x lost after taking all the shortcuts and my dear friend Rachel became the first person voted off the island.

Obviously I first met Rach while working for Heff, when she modelled for Playboy. I was immediately drawn to her intelligence and mentored her as writer, leading to her becoming a #1 Best Selling Author on Amazon.

Fun fact my mum rates me as the #1 Never Sold Non-Author in her heart. Same same.

Anyway, Rachel and I have been close for a long time and as such a knew that only my Rachael Akorean BBQ would be able to cheer her up.

 

rachel-akorean-bbq-1

 

Like Rachel the BBQ is spicy and keeps it real. The delicately cooked – albeit haphazardly cut – meat is simple and delicious, the mushrooms sweet and the onion salad brings the kick. Combining to create a delicious meal leaving you wanting more, like we are left wanting more of Rachel on the island.

Enjoy!

 

rachel-akorean-bbq-2

 

Rachel Akorean BBQ
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ onion, thinly sliced
1 bunch shallots, cut into thin batons
1 tbsp chilli powder
1 tbsp caster sugar
1 tsp salt
½ tsp black pepper
1 tsp white vinegar
handful shiitake mushrooms, roughly chopped
⅓ cup tamari
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
600g(ish) piece of brisket
ssam sauce, to serve
vegetable oil, to grill
short grain rice, to serve – cooked per packet instructions

Method
Freeze the brisket until solid through, overnight is perfect – then allow to defrost for a couple of hours while you’re doing the salad and mushrooms.

Place the onions and shallots in a bowl of iced water and chill for about half an hour, or until the shallots are curled.

While they are chilling, combine the chilli, sugar, salt and pepper with a tablespoon of water in a medium bowl until the sugar is dissolved.

Drain the onion and shallots and transfer to a bowl with the chilli sauce, add the vinegar and season again to taste.

Meanwhile, add the mushrooms to a small saucepan over medium heat with the tamari and muscovado sugar. Cook stirring for 15 minutes or so, or until the mushrooms are soft, sweet and glossy.

Finally, get to work on the meat by slicing it as thinly as possible, a few millimetres maximum.

Heat a griddle over high heat, brush with oil and grill the meat until lightly cooked, a minute or so each side.

Serve together on a platter as a snack or with rice as a main.

 

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Crepe Susan Lucci

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Say what you want about Susan Lucci – and fuck knows I do – she is one of the brightest, kindest and most generous people I’ve ever been lucky enough to call my friend.

Whether it is taking my acidic barbs like a champ, losing DWTS or more importantly losing the Emmy year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year – break to win – after year, after year, Suze accepts it all and laughs it off knowing that she is a wonder.

I first met Suze in the 70s when I was hired as a soap-fight consultant on All My Children, the success of which led to me being hired by Az in the 80s when Dynasty started. Despite only working together briefly, Suze and I became fast friends and I was always first on hand after her Emmys losses to provide her with love and comfort in the form of cripplingly aggressive humour.

So Rami & I were getting ready to leave Kit’s house, and I L.A. when I gave Suze a buzz to see if she wanted to catch-up. Chuckling, she agreed – knowing the roast she was about to ensue.

“Suze – I just dropped Rami off after we celebrated his Emmy win. Can you believe winning an Emmy on the first go … let alone a Primetime one?!”

“Sarah Paulson broke her streak – she only took six losses before converting one!”

“You know how you lost the Emmy 20 times? Tatianna Maslany won on her second go for playing twenty characters. I guess she is almost as bad as you, right?”

Obviously I actually got cruel and made off colour jokes, but I’d rather keep our aggressive relationship. It truly is way too special to us.

Either way, it truly was a great opportunity to reconnect and provide my commiserations for the axing of Devious Maids and end of her career. Well, until I launch the soap idea I’ve been playing around with.

Oh and get Little Whorephan Andy: The Andy Dick Story on Broadway – I know she’ll be perfect for the role of Andy’s mother.

Anyway, the sweetness wasn’t just relegated to our bond but my famed Crepe Susan Lucci which – fun fact – were the only thing that could cheer her up after her numerous Emmy losses.

 

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Like Suze herself, the crepes are lithe, delicate and humble, and the sauce is hot and full of zest, leaving you happy, content and full of love – can’t wait to see you next Emmys, Suze.

Enjoy!

 

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Crepe Susan Lucci
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
100g plain flour
salt
2 eggs, 1 whole, 1 yolk only
300ml milk
1 tbsp unsalted butter, melted plus extra to fry

Sauce
100g caster sugar
35g unsalted butter
150ml orange juice
1 orange, zested
3 tbsp Grand Marnier
2 tbsp brandy
ice-cream, to serve

Method
Place all of the crepe ingredients in a jug and blitz with a stick blender until combined and forms a smooth, thin batter. Cover and allow it to sit for 30 minutes.

Once the batter is nice and rested, heat a small frying pan over medium heat, melt a small dob of butter and pour in enough batter to cover the base. Cook for a minute or so, carefully flip and transfer to a plate. Repeat until the crepes are done.

Meanwhile, in another small frying pan over low heat, melt the sugar with a tablespoon of water. Add the butter, increase the heat and cook for about five minutes, or until it is golden brown. Add the juice, zest, liqueur and brandy and simmer for a couple of minutes, stirring. Remove from heat.

Once it has cooled slightly, dip each crepe into the sauce, fold it in half and in half again – aka quarters. Layer a couple on a plate, top with ice cream and devour.

 

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Phoebe Gratimmins

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Side, Snack, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor, Phoebe and Kristie pulled off a killer blindside on Craig – for which Kristie was robbed of an Emmy – before Phoebe attempted to throw her only ally under the bus after Vavau lost immunity. Again. Thankfully for our budding actress instead of voting out a tribe member in front of a Saanapuan, their rival was able to kidnap a tribe member, making the battle now four to ten after Brooke took Sue.

We opened up back at Saanapu where Brooke filled the tribe in on all the Phoebe intel – which JoJo kindly threw out there at tribal – while Sue tried to find her footing despite knowing she was the taken to be an easy boot if they lost.

Remember the good old days of triumphant, happy Vavau? The feels. Current flailing, sad Vavau arrived back from tribal where Kristie was relieved to still be in the game thanks to the twist, though lacked the awareness to know that Phoebe well and truly does not have her back.

The next day Phoebe checked in with Kristie to make sure she was buying her loyalty before the camp literally caught on fire. Kristie – this is a sign from the island. Surprisingly it was Kristie that put it out, despite the fact she is oft edited to appear like a serial killer.

Over on Saanapu poor Sue woke up to her new reality, hanging clothes and clearing the air with her fellow ex-Vavauns. Well, Nick – she and Jennah-Louise didn’t have beef. Nick had his cranky pants on and Sue tried to calm him but didn’t seem to really give a shit about his tude. She may not be very visible but I love her.

The tribes then reconvened with JoJo for the immunity challenge where Vavau were emulating the great Aitu Four, mainly due to the fact that they are grossly outnumbered and soon to become Twolong.

In addition to immunity, the tribes were competing for the Hungry Jack’s breakfast menu by a waterfall.

After a tight battle – where the tribes had to rub (around) a pole, navigate a beam, tease another pole and work some hard stumps – Sam hurt his pole but not his pride with Saanapu pulling out a come from behind victory.

While at this point we are normally treated to a dejected Vavau, we trundled off to reward with Saanapu to ensure that we all knew that the burgers truly are better at Hungry Jack’s. Now with real coffee. Corporate sponsorship aside, Sue was happy, so I’m happy. Of course Nick continued to play the loudest, tiny violin and promised her downfall. Which obviously ain’t happening.

Finally we get to see Vavau return to camp for their annual scramble where Conner and Kate mixed things up and exchanged trust. Despite the scene being extremely corny, it warmed my cold heart and makes me want them to become the Australian Romber.

With the pleasantries out of the way, they connected with Phoebe and reconfirmed last night’s plan to boot Kristie. Obviously that gave Phoebe the opportunity to once again attempt to keep Kristie from getting paranoid, except this time it made her paranoid. She then approached Kate who threw Phoebe under the bus, igniting a fire in Kristie like the one she and Phoebe lit at camp earlier.

After working Kate and Conner to her side and giving another award winning performance with Phoebe, Kristie cryptically danced around JoJo’s questions at tribal before taking out – finally – Phoebe.

I first connected with Phoebe while she was attending Law School where I was, obviously, in the midst of one of my institutional lecturing scams. Despite running the course like a young, less interesting – and surprisingly, less murdery – Annalise Keating, Phoebe and I grew close.

I assume she was fascinated by my complex mind and she is treating me like a study, but alas, that is a story for another time. Phebs was in good spirits upon arriving at loser lodge, despite just being the victim of a blindside AND just missing the actual merge and now risks losing her boyfriend.

I don’t want to oversell it now, but I completely put her positive mood down to my Phoebe Gratimmins.

 

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Creamy, warm and soothing, it is everything you need to lift your spirits after exiting the game you’ve dominated – completely – for a month.

Well played Phebs, you’ll be missed while on the loser vacay.

Enjoy!

 

phoebe-gratimmins-2

 

Phoebe Gratimmins
Serves: 4-6, as a side. 1 after finding out you just missed the merge.

Ingredients
1kg potatoes, washed
300ml milk
300ml double cream
4 garlic cloves, peeled and sliced
2 sprigs of fresh thyme, leaves removed
1 onion, finely diced
pinch of freshly grated nutmeg
⅓ cup parmesan cheese, freshly grated

Method
Preheat the oven to 160C.

Combine the milk and cream in a large saucepan, add the garlic, thyme and onion, and slowly cook over low heat. When it is about to reach boiling point, remove it from the heat, add the nutmeg and keep warm.

Thinly slice the potatoes and layer in a medium baking, slightly overlapping around the edges. Lightly season and repeat until half the potato is gone. Top with half the fragrant dairy mix, spreading out the chunks of garlic and herbs as you go.

Layer the rest of the potatoes, top with the rest of the cream/milk, scatter over the cheese and bake for an hour or so. Or until the potatoes are golden and tender.

Leave to stand for five/ten minutes before devouring.

 

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All her losses

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Let’s be honest, there was never going to be anyone I’d rather catch-up with and roast after the Emmys than my dear friend and perennial loser – it is hard to beat a 1 from 21 record – Susan Lucci.

Yes, I know that herses were in the Daytime Categories but if you can’t roast your friends at any opportunity, what is the point of life?

Obviously Suze was free and very keen to hang – she loves a good roast and is angling for me to help her get one on Comedy Central – so I’ll drop in somewhere between In’n’Out and LAX – what do I make that is sweet enough to cut through my acidic barbs?

Picture source: Unknown but it makes me so happy.


As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

LIVE BLOG: The 68th Primetime Emmy Awards

Emmy Gold, Live Blog, TV Recap

10:56 EDT
Wrapping us up for the year, Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz arrived – begging the question, why – to present Outstanding Drama Series to Game of Thrones.

Again, no one was shocked … but I’m storming the stage with Kit, the cast and crew.

With that, good night people!

10:52 EDT
We are finally at the pointy end of the show! Can you believe we made it?

As expected, Outstanding Comedy Series went to Veep which now makes me regret betting my life savings on Master of None.

10:44 EDT
When she thanked the cast you assumed she was thanking all of the sestras, assuming they were played by different people, right?

10:43 EDT

Keifer is here – sadly sober and with pants – to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series to Tatiana Maslany.

Holy shit this is paying off with my bookie!

And how overdue is this win? She is absolutely amazing in Orphan Black.

10:41 EDT
His joke – how adorable!

And I finally got a good win with my bookie again!

10:40 EDT
With the tears out of the way, we truly get down to business with the hotly contested Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series going to Rami Malek.

Maybe I will get lucky tonight after all?

10:29 EDT
Now we cry irrationally during the In Memoriam section.

I miss you Jacks, Dot, Gaz, Alan Rickman (said in his voice), Yetta, Prince, Gene and Bowie.

10:27 EDT
And now, Taraji is here to give out my personal favourite category tonight, Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series.

And unlike Amanda, I am not getting lucky tonight with Ben Mendelsohn taking home the Emmy.

Maybe Kit will need some comforting love.

10:21 EDT
Up next Minnie Driver and Michael Weatherly – why – arrived to present Outstanding Supporting Acress in a Drama Series. Again, sadly, to Maggie Smith.

Given it was a non-event, they were also given the job of presenting Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series to Miguel – again – for the inspiration to my next porn parody, Battle of the Bastards.

10:15 EDT
Yawn, the Emmy President everyone.

10:09 EDT
And finally we made it – drama is here and we are on the home stretch.

My other boyfriend Rami Malek has arrived and all is right in the world. Congrats to Hank and character actress Margot Martindale for your victory for Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama Series, respectively.

With that they delivered the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series to Dave and D.B. – I prefer DP, but that is another story for another time – for Battle of the Bastards which coincidentally reminds me of DP as well. Again, not the time.

Either way, Amanda Peet of Amanda Peet’s Coffee and Tea fame is getting lucky tonight.

10:05 EDT
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series went to Key & Peele, screwing me out of more money but winning Amy some cash with my bookie.

Again, no yanked chains.

10:03 EDT
Matt Damon arrived to talk smack with his nemesis Kimmel before Laverne Cox dropped by to give out Outstanding Directing for a Variety Special where won Thomas Kail and Alex Rudzinski, neither of whom I know, won for Grease: Live.

Their wives however did not yank their chains.

9:51 EDT
Fun fact, I should have been presenting Outstanding Variety Talk Series with my love Kit but was needed backstage to doctor Kimmel’s script. Congrats John Oliver, you and your hatred for Tony Abbott fills me with joy.

9:48 EDT
Now on to the Variety Series awards, so head off to the bathroom and I’ll catching you up.

Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special went to Patton Oswalt, shocking everyone. Damn with the subtle emotional ending though.

9:40 EDT
Seriously we are churning through the awards now – Outstanding Limited Series went to The People vs. O.J. Simpson which despite not being a surprise, thankfully has gotten me back in the black with my bookie.

9:38 EDT
Travolta didn’t like the Cochran joke. Thankfully it was time to give out Outstanding Television Movie going to Sherlock which I will never watch, despite becoming tentative friends with Cumberbatch.

9:35 EDT
Thankfully Bry was given enough time to get back to his seat while Ames and Teens made their entrance to hand out Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie. Sadly Bry couldn’t take home another gong with Courtney B. Vance taking out the hotly contested category and continuing O.J’s winning streak.

Thank god it didn’t go to my frenemy Benedict.

9:26 EDT
Claire and Bryan are here – obviously after gushing about how wonderful I am backstage – to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series or Movie to Sarah Paulson, shocking no one.

But kind of breaking my heart for Kirsten Dunst who would have won otherwise.

Sarah gave an amazing speech apologising to Marcia Clark for society being judgemental, patriarchal jerks.

Not me though, obviously – we gays don’t get that privilege. Like marriage in Australia.

9:23 EDT
Terrence Howard has arrived to present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie, though sadly not to Travolta and Schwimmer for their hilarious turns in The People vs. O.J. Simpson but instead the very deserving Sterling K. Brown.

9:15 EDT
The finally free Hiddleston is here to present Outstanding Directing for a Limited Series or Movie, which once again went to … what, not O.J?!

Congrats Susie for your work on The Night Manager.

9:11 EDT
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie once again went to Regina King.

FYI, I was her stylist this year – doesn’t she look beautiful!

Also I am still fucked with my bookie.

9:08 EDT
Now that we’ve burnt through the scum of comedy, we are on to Outstanding Writing for a Limited Series or Movie.

Congratulations to The People vs. O.J. Simpson – finally Marcia Clark’s name is associated with winning.

9:05 EDT
Thankfully Leslie Jones was brought out to bring some excitement to the accounting segment. To trolls, fuck off and leave her alone.

9:00 EDT
Finally some true glory, PB&J given out by the cast of Stranger Things.

8:57 EDT
Hearing my rage, we are over to Best Reality Competition Program where Survivor was once again overlooked.

Congrats on the win for your lesser show Mark.

8:53 EDT
Still with comedy – and what message does this send to comedy stars burning them off at the start,  this is cruel – Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series.

The Bill Cosby joke, classic and I’m sad to say that was not my idea – did you see Tina’s face?

Again, sadly, there was no surprise with Jeff taking out the Emmy and I blew the cash I had on Aziz. Damn you Jeff.

8:42 EDT
Sticking with comedy Keegan Michael Key arrived to finally give JLD another gong.

Again, she was so far ahead in the odds I actually now owe my bookie even more money.

Oh yeah, she has officially gotten the award now.

Thankfully she apologised for the current political climate that turned her show into a documentary.

Then she broke our hearts with the dedication to her dad – damn JLD, I’m now heartbroken.

8:38 EDT
Randall Park and Constance Wu started with a recap of the Guest Actor and Actress(es) – congrats Amy and Tina – in a Comedy Series, introducing Peter Scolari to present Directing in a Comedy Series.

Did I miss Lead Actress or did they not bother considering it is a given?

Either way, Jill Soloway took home the gold for Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series again and considering she was a favourite, I’m still stuck in the red. Thanks Jill … but congratulations, I guess.

8:29 EDT
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series is after the break, congratulations JLD!

8:28 EDT
Joel McHale and Kristen Bell are instantly here to test my skills with Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series going to Kate McKinnon. Shocking everyone, not least herself.

And I’m back in the red, fuck.

8:25 EDT
Julie Bowen and Matt LeBlanc are next up to test my bank balance with the award for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series.

Thankfully my boy Aziz won for Master of None – the best show on television/your computer – won and I’ve now got half of the winner’s right.

This recouped my previous loss.

8:15 EDT
Strong opening from Kimmel – you’re welcome.

Anthony Anderson and Tracee Ellis Ross are here to truly start the party with the award for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series which went to Louie Anderson out of nowhere, sending me into debt with my bookie already.

#JusticeForTituss.

With that, I’m currently 0 from 1. If this blog cuts out, I can be found on a burner phone.

8:08 EDT
Marcia Clark joke? Again mine … but seriously, she isn’t the best of luck charms.

Cutting to Kit during the masturbation joke, mine. Also, what the hell is with my seat filler’s hair.

8:04 EDT
Kicking off with the Bronco chase – my idea, classic.

Modern Family, not my idea.

Carpool Karaoke, my idea … but with me involved.

Veep bit, mine and Tone’s. Game of Thrones bit, mine and Pete’s.

Red carpet
7:55 EDT
Entering the fray late is Laverne Cox, winning the award for best woman dressed like an Emmy.

And with that, I’m heading inside to see whether Kimmel lands my jokes.

7:48 EDT
Dual nominee Sarah Paulson has arrived looking absolutely stunning in a green Prada accompanied by the woman she portrayed to snag her first Emmy, Marcia Clark.

The Schumer sisters have arrived looking beautiful in black Vivienne Westwood fully recovered from the food poisoning I didn’t cause.

My ex-frenemy Claire Danes has arrived, taking Ellie Kemper’s look of dressing like an Emmy. Shockingly she is nominated again, given how terrible her toddler impression was.

7:37 EDT
James Corden is looking good – but let’s be honest, Terrence Howard and Tituss are the only ones I can remember not wearing the standard black tux.

Anthony Anderson is looking good, mixing it up with a black shirt while Rami Malek is rocking the Tituss, looking babin’ and hopefully about to take home his first Emmy.

Otherwise my mortgage is done … but anyway.

7:22 EDT
Terrence Howard has arrived to suffer through Juju. To be honest, Lucious has made me scared of Terrence, so his bravery is doing wonders for his image.

Speaking of nerves, Thomas Middleditch has arrived as a first time nominee for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy with the hair of a child on school photo day.

Sadly he makes it work.

Speaking of kids, Disney’s erstwhile Anna has arrived and is looking every bit the princess.

7:17 EDT
Bry has finally arrived and is well and truly proving his acting prowess, politely tolerating Juju. Obviously he is looking stunning, considering I acted as his stylist.

My dear Tituss Burgess has arrived – fun fact, we both share the talent for downing wine – looking fine, ready to snatch his first Emmy.

Please. PLEASE.

7:06 EDT
Regina King is looking stunning in a red Elizabeth Kennedy gown, Constance Zimmer is dominating in printed Monique Lhuillier – while Juju is pushing for her to produce her next reality show – and Matt LeBlanc is putting me to sleep.

I know we are close friends but Matt, get some energy!

Thankfully Emilia Clarke arrived to wake me up, brush off the casual sexism and stun in nude Versace.

Heidi is here … in one of her better red carpet looks. That is all.

6:52 EDT
Jerry Seinfeld has returned to the Emmys after a 19 year hiatus, sufferer through Juju with effortless charm.

Sophie Turner arrived wearing a Valentino nightie – think a black version of what Coco wore while being eliminated from Drag Race.

Maura Tierney arrived on foot as she was sick of sitting in traffic. That alone is enough for her to win in my eyes. The Christian Siriano is another win for her.

6:40 EDT
Ok – so have me all moved past the shock that Eleven is British and just how cute they are? Cool.

Nominee Keegan-Michael Key is here looking great … but why isn’t Juju telling me what he is wearing? Oh well … I’ll find out when I’m tidying all the clothes on my floor tomorrow.

6:35 EDT
Felicity Huffman and Bill Macy have arrived and continue to be the most adorable dual nominated couple.

STOP EVERYTHING THE CAST OF STRANGER THINGS ARE HERE.

6:27 EDT
My dear Tony Hale is here – sadly with his wife – looking rugged and beautiful in a tux.

FYI, I advised him to rock the beard. If he is around later he could join Kit and I.

Sterling K. Brown is looking great and acting humble – good luck tonight my love, I’ll catch you soon.

Sarah Hyland continues to be the most likeable cast member of Modern Family, winning my heart in Monique Lhuillier before Ariel Winter arrived looking beautiful and charming and making me awkward for sharing my Hyland love.

6:15 EDT
Another of my closest friends Tatiana Maslany – I need to catch-up with her soon – is looking stunning in a beautiful red Alexander Wang gown.

Shockingly none of her sestras showed up to offer her support. Happy birthday for Thursday Tat!

6:10 EDT
My dear friend Ellie Kemper is currently suffering through Ju and while she is following the Field of Dreams mantra – build it and they will come – dressed as an Emmy.

It works and I love her.

6:04 EDT
We are off and running with America Ferrera dropping by to suffer through Juju. Considering she completed a triathlon yesterday, she has suffered enough – free America!

Oh her dress? I’ve already forgotten.

Happy Emmy day everyone!

Hollywood’s lesser night of nights – despite it being the golden age of TV, TV is still scum, right – is finally upon us and a new batch of recipients are about to be awarded the highest honour of the small screen.

As I announced on Friday, I’m once again trying my hand at live blogging – this time with the 68th Primetime Emmy Awards – providing you with the insider gossip from an industry stalwart and close friend of the entire TV industry.

Once again, as well as attending I’m hosting the red carpet specials on E!, Bravo, ABC, Retirement Living, Dish Nation, The CW and Briz 31, acting as Kit’s double when the ceremony starts to drag / later tonight when he wants to celebrate and doctoring Kimmel’ script from the green room.

I will also be continuing my feud with Gugu-B Rancid?

So strap in and keep your mouse close to the refresh button as I take you inside the Emmys!

Image source: The Emmys.

Craig I’Anson-in-law Eggs

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Party Food, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, after Vavau lost yet another immunity challenge Kate and Craig flipped sending deadweight Andrew and his white male privilege / self-importance out of the game.

For once we opened up at Saanapu where, to be honest, I have no idea what was happening. Kylie wanted to sleep with the tribe, Matt got upset and I wish Probst was here to provide some smutty commentary. The next day we continued to buck tradition and continued with Saanapu where Matt explained that Kylie chucked a shit for trying to sleep in the shelter for the first time in 26 days. While I wouldn’t exactly call it a crime, she was playing the victim so I get why people were irritated.

Finally we caught up with Vavau after the triumphant outsing of King Douche where Conner was freaking out about Kate’s flip, despite it being a move that both she and Craig made. Thankfully they had a chat and Kate was able to smooth things over with the help of some – I assume – crocodile tears. Well played Kate. With that they reaffirmed that Phoebe was the target, while she reaffirmed that she’s playing hard to stay and would find a crack to get the numbers.

Phoebe and Kristie then took to playing with machete while Craig went searching for the non-existent idol, much to their delight. It felt a bit American Psycho of them, to be honest. After the casual gloating, Phoebe then started working on Conner to get him to spill to her if she was ever the target. What is with Conner falling for the girls’ stories?

Over on Saanapu Lee and Sam attempted to channel Rupert Boneham / Ozzy (althought less porn-y) with the Hawaiian sling … with the success of say, Cochran. Thankfully the girls turned the scene around by lecherously watching Lee fish before Matt slut-shamed Brooke and caused another rift in the tribe.

Call me crazy but Vavau may win a challenge tonight with this Saanapu shit? Also, is Nick alive or did I miss something?

And just like that JoJo puts in some face time at the immunity challenge, proving that Nick is still alive and giving me the chance to launch my celebrity psychic career.

With that, they started flicking balls at each other before working a pole while avoiding low-hanging, swinging sacks and lining up balls on a wall. Probst would have had a field day.

Sadly my psychic career ended as quickly as it began with Vavau losing the challenge and returning to their second favourite place, tribal council.

Back at camp Conner took responsibility for the loss, while Phoebe and Kristie got to work planning for tribal council and figuring out how best to play the idol. Conner then made a great decision and told Phoebe she was the target, making her job a whole lot easier. I mean, he is sure she doesn’t have the idol, so that’s cool! Kristie then gave a great performance lamenting the loss of Phoebe to Vavau, knowing that she and Phoebe had again pulled off the impossible.

They arrived at tribal without us knowing who Phoebe and Kristie were targeting, meaning their plan is guaranteed to work. Add to that the emotional music when Craig started talking and I’m starting to get worried for their only challenge asset.

After polling the tribe about whether they were confident they knew who would be going tonight  – to which they all agreed – they went to vote, Phoebe played her idol and Craig found his way to my warm embrace in loser lodge, surprising everyone.

His boot, not my lecherous hold obviously.

As we’re both from Australia’s largest small town, Brisbane, I’ve known Craig for years and have enjoyed a very close friendship despite his passion for Pokémon. Call me crazy, I’m far more interested in poking a man – given we share that interest, we were able to remain the best of friends despite … Pokémon.

Craig was heartbroken to find himself idoled out of the game but as a fan of the game, he was able to appreciate that his boot was special and his outsing would cause a national outrage. Wanting to cheer him up I got to work whipping up a batch of my Craig I’Anson-in-law Eggs.

 

craig-i-anson-in-law-eggs-1

 

While these babies are – and to be honest, I think they are – from Thailand and I’m guessing Pokémon is Japanese, I thought these were throwing Craig enough of a bone to keep him happy.

Not that way sickos. Although these eggs are sticky, sweet, salty and spicy … so yep, enjoy!

 

craig-i-anson-in-law-eggs-2

 

Craig I’Anson-in-law Eggs
Serves: 2 as a main with rice, 6-12 as yum cha.

Ingredients
6 eggs, at room temperature
½ cup vegetable oil, to fry
¼ cup shallots, thinly sliced on an angle
handful Thai basil leaves
handful coriander leaves
2 tbs fried shallots
1 long fresh red chilli, thinly sliced diagonally

Caramel
1 cup muscovado sugar, I have an aversion to palm oil and assume the sugar is just as bad
½ cup water
2 tbsp tamarind concentrate
1 tbsp tamari
1 stem lemongrass, bruised, cut into 5cm pieces
thumb piece of ginger, finely grated
1 tsp dried chilli flakes

Method

Boil the eggs in a saucepan of boiling water until soft boiled aka about 5 minutes. Drain and rinse under cold water for five minutes before peeling carefully and setting aside to rest on a paper towel.

Meanwhile, get cracking on the caramel by dissolving the sugar in the water over medium heat, obviously in a saucepan. Cook for a couple of minutes before adding the tamarind, tamari, lemongrass and ginger. Bring to a simmer, reduce heat to low and allow to boil away from about five minutes or until it starts to thicken. Remove from heat, stir in chilli flakes and keep warm.

Now start work on the eggs – I mean, seriously this feels like a lot of work but it isn’t – heat the oil in a wok over high heat and fry each for a few minutes until golden, crisp and delightful. Drain on paper towel and repeat until done.

Slice the eggs in half, scatter on a plate and drizzle with copious amounts of the caramel. Garnish with the shallots done two ways, the herbs and chilli before devouring with rice.

 

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