Baking

Macatedamia Blanc-choc Cookie

Baking, Dessert, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold XCII: Gold Basketball, Sweets

Hollywood’s night of nights is tomorrow and as such, this year’s Oscar Gold celebration – Gold Basketball – must come to an end. After a rollercoaster week checking in with Quentin, Nat, Kobe, Di and Bret, I thought I would reach out with my dearest of dear friends, Cate Blanchett.

Because why not wrap up this year’s Oscar Gold with the woman that uttered the most famous line on Australian TV, “a packet of Tim Tams that never run out.”


Is that awkwardly shoehorned in? Sure. But isn’t it great to know that Australia’s Meryl Streep start in the best Australian commercial of the ‘90s. That I still quote every time I walk down the biscuit aisle?

Well anyway, fun fact, it isn’t just my favourite commercial. It is also my favourite co-starring moment with the iconic Ms Blanchett. Yes, I am the famed genie. Which is why I also quote the ad every time I am in the biscuit aisle, desperate to get somebody to recognise me.

Anyway, Cate was thrilled to catch-up and to finally make her debut on this patch of cyberspace. I mean, can you believe she described it as more meaningful than her turn in The Present. Aka her Broadway debut? What an angel!

Despite not being able to translate her Globes nod into an Oscar one, Cate was super keen to run the odds with me. She kicked things off by saying she is obviously backing How to Train Your Dragon 3 for Best Animated Feature and honestly, I stared blankly at her for a full ten  minutes before I realised that a) she must be in it and b) there must be two earlier ones in this alleged series.

Thankfully I laughed her off and told her that as the jewel in my crown, she had the top tier awards. And I don’t let people judge themselves. Though that last one was far less confidently, on account of not being sure whether she was actually in the movie or just a Dragon nut.

With the awkwardness out of the way, we agreed that Little Women will take out Best Costume Design, Bombshell will run away with Best Makeup and Hairstyling, 1917 is as good as any other for Best Cinematography and we find it hard to bet against Once Upon a Time in Hollywood for Production Design.

Then things got slightly more combative, as Cate back Laura Dern for Best Supporting Actress while I kept screaming that Margot can and will return the statuette to Australian hands for Bombshell. After she calmed me down, she agreed that our mutual friend Brad will snatch Best Supporting Actor and that Parasite should win Best Picture, but is unlikely to defeat 1917. Which is sad. I mean, Little Women should get it if they don’t give it to Parasite.

With the odds out of the way for another year, we sat back, she made us a couple of cuppas and then, since packets of Tim Tams do always run out, we smashed a Macatedamia Blanc-choc Cookie or two. 

 

 

Almost as quintessentially Australian as a Timmy, a white chocolate and macadamia cookie is arguably better than our chocolate treasure. Big chunks of sweet white chocolate work with the creamy crunch of the macadamia, to form the greatest flavour combination. And perfect afternoon snack.

Enjoy!

 

 

Macatedamia Blanc-choc Cookie
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
125g butter, at room temperature
¾ cup muscovado sugar
1 egg
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 cup plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
200g white chocolate, roughly chopped
250g macadamia nuts, roughly chopped

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Place the butter and sugar in the bowl of a stand mixer and beat until thick and creamy. Not juicy, despite what Roxxxy would have you believe. Add the egg and vanilla and continue to beat for a further minute, or until it just comes together.

Remove from the mixer and fold through the flour and baking powder. Again, when just together, fold through the chocolate and macadamias.

Using an ice cream scoop, dollop a 2 tablespoon blob of batter on a lined baking sheet, leaving an inch perimeter around. Repeat, going onto multiple sheets if needed, until the batter is gone.

Transfer to the oven to bake for 15 minutes, or until set, puffed, golden and crisp. I know it feels like a lot of things to oversee, but you’ll be right, I promise.

Remove from the oven and allow to cool on the tray for five minutes before transferring to a wire rack.

Or devouring immediately while you work up the courage to ask for a plus one to the Oscars, ashamed that you haven’t won yet.

 

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The Viviännchen

Baking, Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul's Drag Race UK 1, Snack, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK ten queens walked into the Werk Room in sunny old England, thrilled to be part of the very first season of the icon show. And boy was this season iconic. From Gothy’s meow on the runway, followed by Scaredy Kat birthing herself before exiting the competition, Vinegar Strokes hodge podging out the door third and Sum Ting doing wrong on Snatch Game after a stellar series of runways.

Then, you know, Frock Destroyers happened owning literally all of the girl groups challenges that have come before them, sending poor Crystal home followed by the iconically shady Blu before Cheryl bottomed out in fourth place, leaving Baga, Divina and The Vivienne to fight for the crown.

And fight they did.

With three wins a piece, it all came down to the final challenge before Baga was eliminated leaving Divina and The Vivienne to lip sync their way to the top, with the latter ultimately taking out victory.

From the very first challenge, The Vivienne came in with the focused fire usually reserved for an All Stars winner. She was polished, she was determined and most importantly, she was fierce. And the one time she was down, she turned out one hell of a lip sync which is the skill that ultimately secured her victory.

She was obviously over the bloody mood to be crowned the first winner, particularly given the competition was so tight.

I’ve known The Viv for years. We ran in the same circles on the club scene, quickly becoming firm friends thanks to our similar sense of humour. Once we both got sober, we leant on each other for support and used to catch up for cups of tea and some freshly baked The Viviännchen. So I knew it was the only way to mark the occasion of her victory!

PHOTO 1

Sweet, crumbly, delicate and light, these biscuits fill you with a life affirming warmth. More importantly, they are delightfully easy to make and as such, are the perfect treat to quickly whip up for your friends.

Enjoy!

PHOTO 2

The Viviännchen
Serves: 1 current reigning queen and her wannabe scouser friend.

Ingredients
225g marzipan
80g icing sugar
100g almond meal
30g flour
1 egg, separated
1 tbsp rosewater
blanched almonds, to top

Method
1 medium egg yolk , mixed with 1 teaspoon water

Preheat the oven to 150C.

Break marzipan into 1cm cubes and place in the bowl of a stand mixer with the icing sugar, almond meal, flour, rosewater and egg white. Knead with your hands until the dough comes together before transferring to the stand mixer to combine on low for a minute or two. Wrap and transfer to the fridge to chill for an hour or so.

Once chill, break off small balls of dough about the size of golf balls and place on a lined baking sheet. Repeat the process, leaving a gap for expansion, until the dough is done. Next step, press three almonds into the top of each cookie, pointed end towards the top. Whisk the egg yolk with a little bit of water and brush to glaze. Transfer to the oven to bake for fifteen minutes, or until golden.

Transfer to a wire rack to cool for fifteen minutes before devouring, victoriously. Knowing you’re the UK BeBe.


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Summer Pudting Wong

Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul's Drag Race UK 1, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK the queens were tasked with turning trash into treasure from a car boot. But not just any car boot, the boot of the iconic two-time runner-up Raven. Despite such an inspiring owner, Vinegar optes to be inspired by a toothbrush and then when that failed, a book, while Sum Ting was sadly just a little bit beige. On the other end of the spectrum was Divina who absolutely slayed in a Vivienne Westwood inspired laundry bag, taking out victory while the other duo were forced to lip sync with Sum Ting sending the West End performer home.

Back in the Werk Room Divina was feeling her oats, though tried to hide it as they all paused to pay their respects for Vinegar and her hodge podge ways. The Vivienne changed the mood, congratulating Divina and thanking her for helping everyone out with the challenge. Talk turned to listening to advice, with The Vivienne asking if Sum Ting would consider listening to her from now on. Given she tried to tell her that her outfit was shite. Cheryl asked if they will all continue to be friendly and helpful as the game goes on, with The Vivienne the only one admitting that she will likely turn into a monster. While Divina shared that she will likely stay friendly … to people’s face, knowing it’s the best way to play the game.

The next day Divina joined the badge club, with Blu confident that she is going to win this week. Confident bordering on cocky, Baga asked Cheryl how it felt to ride the bottom again with Cheryl – again – assuring them that this week is where she will show them. Divina pointed out that Blu and Baga were called out on the runway last week and told to step their bussies up. Blu countered that she did and plans to make an incremental improvement this week too, while Baga warned everyone that that was the challenge she was dreading and now there is nothing that will hold her back.

RuPaul interrupted the discussions to announce that this week’s challenge is the one they’ve all been waiting for – SNATCH GAME. Which honestly should have been called Skankety Skanks like the British/Australian version of the OG, but I digress. Crystal was thrilled to have made it far enough in the competition to compete in Snatch Game, before joining Baga and The Vivienne to discuss their characters. Baga locked in Margaret Thatcher … before we cut across the room where Divina de Campo was telling Blu, Cheryl and Sum Ting that she would be playing Margaret Thatcher. Terrified about a face off and knowing that Baga has more impersonations in her arsenal, Divina confronted Baga who had zero qualms about the idea of duelling Thatchers.

They then had a more genuine conversation, with Baga explaining that she has no decent outfits for any other person. And while Divina would argue Baga’s Maggie outfit was also terrible, she graciously stepped aside and decided to do Julia Child. AND THEN GAVE BAGA HER MARGARET THATCHER OUTFIT TO WEAR. I mean, this is some next level kindness right there and I fear it will come back to bite her.

Ru returned for a walk through with Alan Carr where we learnt that Blu would be playing the delightful Mary Berry from Bake Off. Ru was concerned that Blu may not have strengths in comedy, though reminded her that now is the time to start standing out. Divina shared that she was debating between Julia and Posh Spice, though neither seemed to wow the judges. Crystal settled on playing my love Rue McLanahan as Blanche, while The Vivienne wowed the boys with all three of her characters – Donald Trump, Kim Woodburn and Slilla Black. Meanwhile Sum Ting was tossing up between David Attenborough and Nigella Lawson and while Ru appeared to like the latter, sweet, crafty little Blu tried to guide her towards David so that she would be the only baker on the panel. Cheryl too guided her towards David, though that had more to do with the fact she was unprepared for Nigella.

The girls were joined by Stacey Dooley and Lorraine Kelly, with Divina going with Julia, Cheryl playing Gemma Collins and The Vivienne settling on Donald Trump. From her very first moment, The Vivienne took control of the stage and was the one to beat. Though Baga was nipping at her heels and keeping Ru laughing. Blu took Mary Berry down a very filthy path and was surprisingly strong, Sum Ting had the accent down but didn’t bring the jokes. And Crystal was Crystal, dressed kinda like Blanche. The Vivienne and Baga had the panel and Ru in absolute hysterics, bouncing off each other well. With Blu the only one that actually managed to stay up with them. Oh and before you think that I forgot about sweet Divina, she was there but never really stood out.

Elimination Day rolled around and The Vivienne and Baga were feeling super confident, while Sum Ting and Divina were terrified. And Blu was terrified about how poor Mary Berry will react to her performance and floated a televised apology. Divina was feeling nervous about the runway, knowing she kinda sorted bombed Snatch Game. While painting her face, she, Cheryl, Crystal and Blu spoke about their husbands and fiances, with Blu sharing that she is upset that Northern Island doesn’t have gay mariage (though it did just finally pass). He was sad that he and his partner couldn’t marry and how hard it must be for young kids to grow up without seeing it as a possibility.

On the runway Blu served one ball realness, eyeball that is – slaying with a bloodshot gown and a whole head eye. Baga was a letdown as a futuristic bond girl, Cheryl was a technicolour delight with breathing tubes out of her belly button, Sum Ting Wong was Oops I did it Again-era Britney Spears with a robot face and Divina well and truly made up for Snatch Game with an ethereal blue bottle garden nymph. Crystal brought that spark she was missing as Rue, sawing her metal garments with full Shape of Water prosthetics. Much to the terror of Geri Halliwell. And The Vivienne looked like a brown Who dressed as Beyonce’s pregnancy announcement.

Ru confronted Blu about lying about not being funny before sending her and Cheryl to safety … for the first time for poor Chez. The judges loved everything about Baga’s Snatch Game performance but agreed that her runway was pretty bland. Sum Ting’s performance was read for filth, except from Geri who is literally the sweetest thing and just loved that Sum Ting is the reason Sir David will tune in to Drag Race. And everything Sum Ting did. Divina admitted to sucking at Snatch Game as the judges labelled her as the supporting cast. She did receive universal praise for her runway look before making the judges laugh at her Posh Spice. And filling her with regret for not going that route. Crystal’s spooky look was praised, though her Blanche was read for filth. The Vivienne rightly was praised for her Donald Trump – one of the best Snatch Game performances ever – though her ill fitting leotard brought down an otherwise killer look.

Backstage the girls congratulated Cheryl for being safe, before Divina kinda lost control regretting her choice to hand over Margaret Thatcher to Baga. Baga then started to talk over her, leading to Divina calling her out for talking over her and then pointed out that that will stop and she will now treat the competition as such from now on, rather than helping everyone out and being a doormat. Crystal was disappointed in her Snatch Game, though hoped the runway will keep her safe. Sum Ting was nervous about being in the bottom for her boring runway, before Baga and The Vivienne gave her a pep talk and told her to bring it and not be afraid to ask for help if she needs it.

Ultimately Baga and The Vivienne were crowned joint winners, while Divina’s runway saved her from the bottom. Leaving Crystal and Sum Ting to battle it out to Spice Up Your Life to see another day. While Sum Ting stuck close to all the Spice Girl moves, Crystal leaned into her Weird Science runway look and injected some wacky, creepiness in her performance. And totally slayed, keeping sweet Geri in hysterics. As such, Crystal saved herself while poor Sum Ting Wong was eliminated from the competition.

Though before I got to cooking for her in the Werk Room, we were interrupted by Geri who couldn’t let her go without letting her know how much she connected with her on the stage. With her kind, clean, joyous fun.

I let them have their moment and reminded Geri that I will boot her from the Spicys again if she doesn’t leave the damn Werk Room and let me have my damn moment. Which she graciously did, apologising as I got to catching up with my friend Sum Ting.

We first met at our office day jobs, but I could see Sum had Sum Ting More to offer the world and just like that, her character was born. So I think that makes me her drag mother? I don’t know. What I do know is that only a mother would know the exact thing to cheer her up after her boot, which is my Summer Pudting Wong.

Now, I have a checkered past with puddings both fruit and pulled, but I can assure you that this one is delicious, despite the conceit being a bit weird for non-Brits. But let me tell you, bread dipped in sweet, sweet juice is delicious. Add to that, a muddle of bright berries and you’re well and truly happy.

Enjoy!

Summer Pudting Wong
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
175g raw caster sugar
150g blackberries, washed and dried
150g blueberries, washed and dried
600g raspberries, washed and dried
300g strawberries, washed, dried and tops removed
8 slices white bread, a little older if possible with the crusts removed
½ cup cream, whipped, to serve

Method
Combine the sugar in a large saucepan with ¼ cup sugar and place over a medium heat until dissolved. Bring to the boil before adding all berries, minus the strawbs, reducing the heat to low and cooking for five minutes, stirring infrequently, or until softened.

Remove the berries from the heat and strain them over a bowl to release the gloriously deep red juice.

Meanwhile cut 5 slices of bread in half on a slight angle and two into 4 triangles. Line a pudding basin with clingwrap and moving quickly, dip each slice of bread in the juice and line the bowl with the whole slice at the base and the halves forming the sides, pushing together at the joins to form the skin.

Mix the strawberries through the cooked berries and transfer the mix into the lined basin. Dip the small triangles into the juice and cover the top of the pudding. Wrap with cling to seal and transfer to the fridge to chill overnight. Reserve any juice for later.

When you’re ready to eat, transfer to a plate, carve and serve with excess juice and freshly whipped cream. Then, obviously, devour.


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Coffee Cakendoll

Baking, Cake, Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul's Drag Race UK 1, TV, TV Recap

I could go about doing my usual ‘previously on’ joke for the premiere of the newest season of Drag Race, but to be honest, I am just too damn excited to see these Brits slay. Pomp, circumstance and smutty banter has finally made its way across the pond and I have assumed the position. Because I. Am. READY.

The lucky first queen to take advantage of that sashay into the UK Werk Room is Baga Chipz who mentioned a passion for getting coated in cum and therefore, you know I already love her. She was joined by Ireland’s Blu Hydrangea who is an adorable little twink that I want to adopt and make sure is making wise choices. Divina De Campo was next and looks like Robbie Turner if Robbie had a talent for anything other than lying. Plus she mentioned the OG season 1 filter which is enough to win me over. In addition to the fact she is a legit celebrity. Crystal arrived with one of the best entry lines of all time and honestly, is very attractive and I love her.

Sum Ting Wong is my new favourite as she couldn’t get through her entry line without laughing at herself and kinda sounds like Ringo Starr. Cheryl Hole seems like the UK equivalent of Alyssa Edwards and I already love her. Particularly since they look alike out of drag. Maybe it’s the teeth? Gothy Kendoll arrived, filling Baga Chipz and Divina with an overwhelming feeling of senility given everyone is so young. Vinegar Strokes arrived quoting Eastenders, so she too, I already love her. Scaredy Kat was up next and I am a little bit terrified, though given she is bi and has only been doing drag for 11 months, I love that she is bringing something fresh. Rounding out the cast is The Vivienne, who won a pageant to be the UK’s Drag Race ambassador making her an early favourite.

Before they could celebrate their luck at being the cast of season one, Ru arrived doing some majestic accent work to welcome them to the competition. Mama Ru then explained that they would be competing for the chance to be whisked over to Hollywood to star in their very own digital series. Because BBC is a publicly funded network, FYI. She then wheeled out the Brit Crew – and honestly, I am wetter than a London’s day, the Thames and the newspaper wrapping fish and chips all rolled into one – before tasking the queens with the first mini challenge of the season to pose with the aforementioned Brit Crew and their own severed heads.

Baga Chips was up first and flashed her kooch so that her head could be inserted like she is birthing herself. Icon. Blu Hydrangea was adorable and quoted Cher by way of Chad Michaels. Divina was adorbs, Crystal gave herself head, Cheryl was cute, Gothy kicked herself in the head and made Ru lose his mind with the lack of energy. Vinegar Strokes had to explain what her name means to Ru, Scaredy Kat shat herself out and won my heart, Sum Ting Wong tried to prove that breast is best while The Vivienne gave a masterclass in accent work for Ru. Ultimately Scaredy Kat took out the first win, much to her delight and the chagrin of Divina who is shocked that a baby could do that.

The queens were then tasked with the first maxi challenge of the series, to serve their best Queen Lizzie realness on the runway in addition to a look that represents why they’re the queen of their hometowns. When Ru left the queens got out of drag with Baga wandering around to scope out the trade – Crystal’s little tuft of chest hair, swoon – and the group started talking about getting their teeth done. Since the stereotype is that British people have terrible teeth. This made Gothy Kendoll feel super insecure as she doesn’t like her teeth and didn’t want anyone to notice them, and instead focus on her killer looks.

Elimination Day rolled around as the queens panicked to get their looks together. Vinegar Strokes pulled Scaredy Kat under her wing, making the latter feel safe about her first time performing on stage. Baga Chipz, The Vivienne and Crystal got together to talk royalty and Trump while Blu, Divina and Gothy spoke about their small town upbringing and speculated just how harsh Michelle will be with everyone.

Ru and Michelle were joined by Alan Carr and Andrew Garfield on the judges panel for the girls first time which immediately made me jealous, since I’m still yet to have my first time with Andrew.

Crystal’s hometown look served my version of the Zombie film clip realness – you all did it with Christmas beads while decorating the tree, be honest – with chest hair and pits on display, instantly flooding my basement. Cheryl served Essex excellence channelling Paris Hilton. Sum Ting Wong was all bull and full of horn, Blu Hydrangea was beautiful with an homage to the company that built Titanic, neglecting the fact that building a sinking ship ain’t something to be proud of. Baga Chipz was hilarious in Amy Winehouse cosplay, The Vivienne was fierce as Pete Burns, Vinegar Strokes was belted by the Thames, Gothy Kendoll went for cheesy tiger – no joke – while Scaredy Kat was hippy chic, fresh from the marshlands and Divina was a trippy, cartoonish delight.

For their Lizzie realness Crystal served sexy military trooping of the colour, Cheryl served afternoon tea in the gardens, Sum Ting Wong went with snail mail realness, Blu was all about the coin, Baga went Lizzie with a Dolores Umbridge edge, The Vivienne went with hunting in Balmoral, Vinegar Strokes went with a sunny ‘70s look, Gothy went back to the queen’s early years while Scaredy one upped it and went for the Queen when she was just a baby princess. And Divina brought more sex to the palace than Prince Phillip.

Ultimately Crystal, Blu, Scaredy Kat and Divina were classed as safe and sent back to the Werk Room, leaving the tops and bottoms – I know, I know, we’re all bottoms – to stand around and be read for filth by Michelle. Cheryl’s first look received universal praise, while the second one was read for being bland and without Lizzie’s signature bag. Sum Ting Wong received universal praise for both looks, Baga’s Amy Winehouse performance was praised and while everyone liked her second look, any flaws were quickly charmed away by Baga’s wit. The Vivienne confused Michelle into thinking she came out in prosthetics and let’s be honest, is the clear frontrunner already. Vinegar’s Thames belt was read for filth and Michelle was disappointed in her lack of ironing. The judges could tell that Gothy’s nerves got the best of her, with Andrew trying to encourage her to use the nerves to drive her performance.

Backstage Divina was disappointed to find herself amongst the safe queens, before the tops and bottoms joined them to gasbag about the critiques. Cheryl was sure that she was in the bottom, Gothy was nervous and Vinegar was sad that the judges didn’t connect with her looks, breaking down and getting a pep talk from The Vivienne and Baga.

Back on the runway Baga and Sum Ting Wong were deemed safe before The Vivienne took out this week’s challenge. Cheryl narrowly avoided the bottom two, leaving Vinegar Strokes and Gothy Kendoll to battle it out lip syncing – I thought all the girls sang in the UK, Charlie? – to Dua Lipa’s New Rules. And honestly there wasn’t much competition as Vinegar’s West End background helped her slay, while Gothy’s nerves continued to keep her subdued. Vinegar pulled a Roxxxy and was flipping hats and wigs, and while Gothy grew into her performance, it wasn’t enough as she tragically found herself becoming the first queen to sashay away from Drag Race UK.

But not before pulling a Vanjie, backing off the stage chanting Miss Kendoll. Like a damn icon.

After literally backing into me backstage, I pulled Gothy into a massive hug and reminded her that being the first person ever booted from the series is the most iconic place to land. And that her look was definitely worth 60P.

I’ve known Gothy for years, meeting while I was working at a Leicester Cheese factory next to her daycare. I was trying to woo one of the father’s that dropped off there, so I took to stealing cheese to provide toasties for the tots and prove how great a step-father I can be.

While the plan quickly turned to shit when I was eventually arrested for grand theft fromage, I was able to impress young Gothy with a delightful Coffee Cakendoll. Who said giving kids coffee is a bad idea?

Packing a massive punch of coffee, there is something so delightfully nostalgic about this cake. A light fluffy crumb and a thick layer of rich frosting, this is the perfect way to block out the pain of being the first boot.

Enjoy!

Coffee Cakendoll
Serves: 8-12, or you know one sad first boot.

Ingredients
500g butter, softened
1 cup raw caster sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
4 eggs
2 cups flour
4 tsp baking powder
⅔ cup milk, at room temperature
⅓ cup espresso, plus 2 tbsp for the frosting
2 cups icing sugar, sifted
2 tbsp kahlua

Method
Preheat the oven to 180⁰C and grease and line the base of two 20cm cake tins.

To make the cake, combine half the butter, the raw caster sugar and the vanilla in a bowl and using a stand mixer, cream on medium speed until light and fluffy. And to clarify, the stand mixer is solely because when it comes to hand mixing, I’m unenthused.

Add the eggs one at a time, allowing the batter to become fully homogeneous before adding another. Did this queen just get a thesaurus or did I opt for using the Queen’s English? You’ll never know.

Remove the bowl from the mixer and fold through the flour and baking powder, followed by the milk and the espresso until it is gloriously tanned. Not Katya in tan with you tanned. Split the batter between the two cake tins and bake for 30 minutes, until an inserted skewer comes out clean. Remove from the oven and allow to cool for a couple of minutes before flipping out on a cooling rack to get as cool as an English evening.

While it is getting chill, get to work on the frosting by creaming the remaining butter with the icing sugar, remaining espresso and the kahlua. You know, to get tipsy. Beat together until light and fluffy before stepping back and taking in the moment. You’re doing amazing sweetie.

Once you’ve Kris Jenner’ed yourself, get to work assembling the cake by placing one on a serving dish. Generously dollop on some frosting and spread over the top so you have a thick filling. Top with the other cake and dollop on the rest of the frosting, smoothing the top and covering the sides as you go.

Allow to sit for fifteen minutes, if you can wait, before carving and devouring. The latter is really the only necessary part of that equation though.


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Luke Tokolate Banana Bread

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Bread, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Abbey continued to roll with the Contenders boys, with their sights set directly on Luke. Knowing he was screwed, Luke searched high and low for an idol and while he couldn’t find one, instead he won a powerful advantage followed by the next immunity challenge. Abbey and the boys identified Pia as the next biggest threat and worked to get rid of her, while Pia worked Luke to see if they could move forward together. Luke played his advantage and senr Baden back to camp, leading to an epic game of whispers and posturing that led to Luke and Pia standing strong and blindsiding Abbey from the game.

Pia, Luke and Harry returned to camp with Baden shocked to hear Pia was still in the game, while Luke celebrated the fact that he pulled off one of the biggest moves ever. Pia joined him to congratulate him on putting on an epic show, thrilled that she was able to charm her way into him protecting her. On the flipside Harry wasn’t thrilled by the turn of events, knowing that he was made a fool of and as such, he could only double down on the fact he needed Luke to go.

The next day the top four sat by the shore and congratulated each other on making it this far, with Luke particularly excited to have broken his record by making day 47. He was also particularly shocked to have not been sent packing as soon as he landed on the beach, given he has played before and showed what he was made of. He then ran through his resume and it was hella heartwarming and honestly, I teared up a little. Even when he went wild in the water. Harry was still salty about the previous tribal council and knew that Luke wins if he makes it to the final tribal council, and as such, he needs to win the next immunity challenge to get rid of him ASAP. Harry also noted that Pia is the next biggest threat, hid behind a meatshield while dominating the game strategically.

Pia returned to camp with a box with a quiz and honestly I wasn’t sure what was happening until they voted for Luke and Baden to get burgers and I realised it was a de facto reward challenge. While Harry shaded Baden’s weak gameplay to us, Baden was proud of the game he played with the hand he was dealt and well and truly exceeded his expectations.

My love Jonathan returned for the second last immunity challenge of the season where the final four each had to try and keep their balls in the air. One by one they would drop a ball at the top of a maze and race to the bottom to catch it and keep the cycle going, slowly adding balls at regular intervals with the last person standing taking out immunity. Everyone worked slowly and methodically with their first ball, trying to get the rhythm of the maze and figure out how they will manage when four balls are in play. Everyone made it through the first and second balls, with the panic well and truly sitting in as they added in their third balls. Pia ultimately was the first to drop. The fourth ball then tragically claimed Luke, followed by Baden, handing Harry his first immunity win.

An exhausted Luke then started to break down and honestly, I have some horrible Kelley Wentworth flashbacks and my heart is broken.

Back at camp Harry doubled down on the fact that he needs to take out Luke if he wants to have any chance of winning. He then approached Baden to lock in their votes against Luke, thought tried to downplay how desperately he wants him out of the game. Baden wasn’t as convinced about who should go next, knowing he has no shot against Luke thought wanting to keep him around because he likes him the best. Luke and Baden then caught up and lamented about Harry’s win, with Luke heartbroken to have fumbled at the last moment and trying to find the perfect balance of convincing them to keep him around without being overbearing.

Luke proposed that he and Baden vote together, and Pia and Harry will vote together and then he will face off with Pia in a fire challenge to guarantee they’re both in the final three and have a better shot of beating Harry and getting to the end. While Baden seemed open to the idea, he admitted that he won’t be able to make a decision until tribal council. Uneasy Luke and Pia caught up with them proposing causing a tie between Luke and Baden, with Pia knowing that he would win and let’s be honest, she is guaranteed a place in the final two as both boys would take her. While Pia wasn’t sure which way to go, she knew that if she couldn’t win, she wants him to to better his family’s life. They then broke down and spoke about how much they mean to each other and honestly, I’m a fucking mess. After that emotional little interlude, Pia went for a walk to try and figure out which way is better for her game, knowing that she can beat both Harry and Baden but realising that neither of them will take her to the final tribal council.

At tribal council Harry continued to think the contrived toothpick thing was cute, while he gave the jury his best shit eating grin as they filed in. He spoke about the pride and happiness of securing himself immunity, and more importantly kept it from Luke. Luke spoke about how hard it was to let his game literally slip through his fingers. His voice started to break as he spoke about having only one option left, sharing that he will be voting Baden and hoping that Pia will join him and force them into a fire challenge. He then went one step further and said that he will take her to the final tribal council if that happens, though assured her that he won’t be annoyed if she voted him out too. She spoke about her current dilemma, not sure whether to play with her head or her heart, and not sure which one actually gives her the best chance of making it to the end. As an aside, keeping Luke gives her the best shot at making it to the end.

Baden admitted that he is not confident should it end in a fire challenge, given he has done minimal work with the flint. Harry tried to praise Luke’s pitch and tell him it makes sense, though tried to get into Pia’s head and tell her that a guaranteed place at the end isn’t better than having to rely on herself to get there. With that the tribe voted and Pia decided to trust in herself, joining the boys and sending Luke out of the game as this year’s fourth place robbed goddess of the season alongside Flick, Michelle and Shonee.

Through tears, I took him in my arms and reassured him that he should be proud of his performance and I’m so glad to once again whip him up some comfort

While I slept on the power of the people’s Champion during his first run – I was a Sarah fan and was always distracted by Locky’s nudity, so, yeah – he well and truly won me over on his second attempt. Which I guess is why he manages to make it deep, and I believe always will, when he plays Survivor. He is laid back, fun and dulls the pain of starving on an island. Like my Luke Tokolate Banana Bread would if Jonathan ever wanted to offer my services for a reward.

 

 

Sweet and warm, this baby may not solve all your problems – right Apu – but it does kind of feel like a culinary hug. Lightly spiced and dripping with sticky chocolate, this is what dreams are made of.

Enjoy!

 

 

Luke Tokolate Banana Bread
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
225g plain flour
1 ½ tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
125g dark chocolate, roughly chopped
60g muscovado sugar
70ml sunflower oil
2 eggs
175g sour cream
2 tsp vanilla extract
3 ripe bananas, mashed

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C.

Combine the flour, baking powder, cinnamon and chocolate in a bowl, and whisk together the muscovado, sunflower oil, eggs, sour cream, vanilla and bananas in another. Fold the wet mixture through the dry until just combined.

Transfer to a lined baking dish and place in the oven to bake for an hour, covering with foil for the last 30 minutes. If an inserted skewer doesn’t come out clean, reduce heat to 150C and return to the oven, uncovered, for a further five minutes.

Serve immediately and devour, slathered in butter.

 

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Tim Tam Minchin

Baking, Dessert, Sweets

Now I know most of my visits are all about the well publicised scandals of which I have been an integral part of but PR-ed my way out of or joyous reunions with my fellow busy celebrities, but Tim and I have issues.

Are they insurmountable? No. But his aggressive poetry about alternative medicine is something I find abhorrent, given the stringent level of research that goes into those products to get them past the TGA. But what would I know, I’m just a doctor or lawyer … or professor. I grift a lot.

In any event, while Tim and I differ on that one point, I enjoy all the other things that he is super opinionated / writes protest songs about, like I would write a porn-parody one. I mean, from getting nude on Californication to writing a Roald Dahl musical because he knew it would make me happy, to straight up calling our country homophobes, I love him and Tim would do anything to defend me, my lack of honour and our lifetime of friendship.

As soon as we locked eyes at Brisbane airport, everything else went silent and all I could see was Tim. We both commenced a slow-mo run – which reminds me, I need to see the Baywatch crew soon – and took each other in our arms. He apologised for upsetting me, I apologised for selling the raw footage of his nude scenes from Californication on my website literallyallthenudesIhavefound.com

After that we laughed, we cried, we promised to never turn on each other and then smashed a packet of Tim Tam Minchins. That may or may not run out.

 

 

Yes ma’fuckers, I have found a way to both google Tim Tam copycat recipes and then find the best and perfect it. Super sweet, crunchy in the middle, velvety on the centre and covered in smooth chocolate, there is nothing better than a Tim Tam. Outside of a homemade Tim Tam.

Enjoy!

 

 

Tim Tam Minchin
Serves: 2 bestos. Or 12ish, you decide.

Ingredients
250g unsalted butter, softened
½ cup raw caster sugar
1 egg
50g dutch cocoa powder
1 cup flour
pinch of salt
1 cup icing sugar
1 tbsp milo
200g milk chocolate
1 tbsp copha

Method
Place half the butter in the bowl of a stand mixer with the raw caster sugar and best for five minutes or so, or until pale and fluffy. Add the egg and beat until it is homogenous. Fold through all but a tablespoon of cocoa and the flour and salt, then return to the mixer for a minute or so or until incorporated and the colour is even. Form into a disc, wrap in cling and transfer to the fridge to chill for an hour.

Preheat oven to 180C.

When the dough is chill, roll out into a 5mm thin rectangle and cut into an even number of Tim Tam sized rectangles. Place on a lined baking sheet and bake for 10-15 minutes, or until crisp and glorious. Leave to cook on the tray for five minutes before transferring to a wire rack.

While they’re cooling, cream the remaining butter with the remaining cocoa, icing sugar and milo until soft and fluffy. To make the coating, combine the chocolate and copha in the top bowl of a double boiler and stir until smooth.

To assemble, place a teaspoon or so of filling on the base of half the biscuits and sandwich with the base of another. Coat with the chocolate spread and transfer to the wire rack to set. If you can wait before devouring them.

 

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Simon Black and White Cookie

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the Champions continued to extend their lead after getting Daisy to burn yet another idol while Zaddy John was sent to join my harem in the Jury Villa. Jonathan then dropped a bomb at the next tribal council and announced that the next two people voted out would be sent to Exile Island before battling each other for the chance to return to the game, with that Daisy was then voted out to spend a miserable night in the rain. The next day Abbey started to crave a big move for her resume and after Pia secured immunity, joined Harry, Baden and Luke to blindside Simon from the game. Well, temporarily, as he destroyed Daisy in the challenge and sent her to Jury Villa and rejoined the game.

The tribe returned to camp with the same final seven as the day before, with Abbey awkwardly hugging Simon and the silent King finding his voice, talking to us about his rage at being voted out. Instead of finding allies, he decided that an idol would be his best shot so went searching, digging up much of the island and leading to – probably – the deforestation of 90% of Fiji.

The next day Abbey was feeling nervous about her place in the game, knowing Simon would be upset with her and concerned that JaQueen and Pia won’t ever forgive her. Which is a fair judgement, given Pia and JaQueen were seething about her lies and bitching about her by the shore.

Jonathan arrived for the latest immunity challenge where they would each have to balance a platform using a rope and move back and forth up the length of the course collecting letters to spell immunity on said platform. While everyone raced out to start, Baden stayed behind to reorder his blocks. That didn’t seem to slow him down however as he joined Pia, Luke and Abbey at the front of the pack, while poor Simon sat in last. The four continued to power ahead, with Abbey and Luke firmly fighting for first while their platforms slowly swayed. Pia was the first to drop her stack, followed by Baden who was sympathetic to Pia’s loss. Abbey dropped her stack on the last block, allowing Luke to place his last block and slowly make his way back to the start to secure immunity, with Simon now breathing down his neck and Abbey cheering him on. Thankfully he held firm, maintained his stack and snatched immunity, while JaQueen admitted that she was just hoping to pull a Bradbury.

Back at camp Simon recommenced digging up the entire island while Abbey was just thrilled that anyone but Simon took out immunity. She checked in with Harry, Baden and Luke to lock in their latest vote for Simon to guarantee he doesn’t go on an immunity run. Luke and Abbey went for a private chat while Pia and JaQueen sat nearby and saltily speculated what the new duo could be up to. Sick of speculating, they approached them leaving Luke to straight up ask them to join them in getting rid of Simon. Again.

While they sat there strategising JaQueen started to realise that Abbey was the bigger threat and as such, she and Pia went hunting for numbers. JaQueen approached Simon who quickly fell in line, while Pia once again used her acting skills to improvise and pulled Harry aside with JaQueen and played into his desire to make a big, bold move. They outlined that while none of them can win against Luke he is immune and as such, taking out Abbey would be the next biggest move to impress the jury. While Harry agreed that getting rid of Abbey is a logical choice, he was lucky enough to have countless options and just needed to decide whether teaming up with JaQueen and Pia was in his best interests.

At tribal council Janine spoke about the feeling of deja vu heading into tonight’s tribal council, while Abbey tried to downplay the fact that nothing has changed since the previous vote. Despite the fact her flip was outed and her two closest allies aren’t on board with her anymore. She then pushed for everyone to band together and get rid of Simon again, which led Simon to finding his voice and congratulating Luke, Harry, Baden and Abbey for outwitting him. JaQueen admitted that she too felt blindsided and was paranoid that she would be next, leaving Abbey to assure them that she would have said something if it really would have impacted them.

Harry spoke about the uncertainty of moves at tribal council leading to major, continued change while Pia hoped the flip didn’t leave her on the outs. Simon returned to talk the only thing he has left, the fact that he can be a loyal number, while Harry spoke about everyone’s paths to the end intersecting in different ways. Pia agreed with him and mentioned that that means things will shift a lot more frequently, before JaQueen and Abbey mentioned that they would be voting with their head tonight and honestly I have no idea what it happening.

With that the tribe voted and for the second time in a row, silent Simon was booted from the game. The reason Simon barely appeared in any episodes this season is because all of his confessionals were him talking about how excited he was to get booted, see his dear fellow Brisbanite – not a good episode for Queenslanders, no? – and smash some Simon Black and White Cookies together.

 

 

These classic New York biscuits are a favourite of my husband, who first got Simon to try one when we were travelling to NYC together. Soft and fluffy, almost cake like biscuits, smothered in a thick choc v. sugar crust, they truly are a magical creation. Like Simon, which you would know if he or Sam actually appeared this season.

Enjoy!

 

 

Simon Black and White Cookie
Serves: 6-12.

Ingredients
225g plain flour
½ tsp baking powder
pinch of salt
¾ cup buttermilk
1 tbsp vanilla extract
125g unsalted butter plus 2 tsp for the icing, at room temperature
½ cup raw caster sugar
1 egg
2 cups icing sugar mixture
30g dark chocolate, roughly chopped

Method
Combine the flour, baking powder and a good pinch of salt in a bowl, and whisk the buttermilk and 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract in a jug.

Preheat oven to 160°C.

To making the dough, cream the butter and caster sugar in the bowl of a stand mixer on medium for about ten minutes, or until pale, creamy and fluffy. Add the egg and beat until just combined. Reduce speed to low and working slowly and carefully to avoid the kitchen looking like a crime scene, add the flour mixture and buttermilk mixture in thirds, stirring until just combined.

Place heaped large golf-ball sized dollops on lined baking sheets, allowing plenty of space for spreading. Press them down to flatten a little and transfer to the oven to bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden and cooked through. Leave to cool on the tray for ten minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

To make the icing, combine the icing butter remaining butter and vanilla in a heatproof bowl with a tablespoon of water. Place over a double boiler and stir until combined and soft. Spread the icing over half of each cookie before adding the chocolate to the bowl and heating until combined. Spread the chocolate icing on the other half of each biscuit and leave to set for five minutes.

Then devour, chattily, like Simon is in real life.

 

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Biscuits & Gravid Genat awaiting the model blindside victim David Genat after he was brutally cut from Australian Survivor.

Biscuits & Gravid Genat

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Bread, Breakfast, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the first post-merge tribal council gave Andy one more time to be wrong, thinking he was lying about David’s idol when dropping a bombway out. While David legit had one. Classic Andy. Thankfully that mistake only made Pia more resolute about taking him out ASAP. While JaQueen spent a couple of days rallying people to blindside an exceedingly cocky David, he won a hard fought immunity challenge over Shaun and saved. After being sent directly to tribal council, without even passing go and collecting $200, everyone scrambled outside with Shaun desperately trying to swing the vote on to Luke given he is a social threat that nobody can beat. Sadly for Shaun however that didn’t work with JaQueen and co’s plans, as they signalled their intentions and flipped the vote back on the sexy, strapping Shaun.

Back at camp the tribe were hunkering down as they were battered by torrential rain for over twelve hours, with Pia realising that the game is so much tougher than she was expecting. She was grateful however to have her dear friend JaQueen, trusting each other implicitly. As they sat around debating whether a palm has a frong – JaQueen, I’m disappointed – or a frond, they watched David flirting his way along the sure with Abbey and once again was focused on the need to get her former ally Dave out of the game.

Luke was once again feeling excited to have escaped certain doom, getting biblical and making jokes about blindsides and again, I hate that he annoyed me his last season. Given he has been through it before, he was acutely aware that they’re getting at the pointy end of the game and as such, alliances are going to break every tribal council. Meanwhile Daisy was still moping about tribal, given she had to get in line and vote out Shaun to try and save herself from JaQueen’s golden tongue. Speaking of golden, this time God, David was feeling super confident, having the numbers advantage, an idol and a team of allegedly loyal soldiers and he is looking forward to steamrolling his way to the end.

And to that I say, David, you in danger girl.

David was grateful for his tight alliance with Luke, who tells him everything that is going on, and as such, he knows it is safe to get rid of Daisy next. He then approached Pia, Abbey and JaQueen to fill them in on his plan to boot her and then told them not to tell anyone and keep everything quiet before tribal council. Which you know none of them are interested in. This led to even Abbey getting annoyed by his confidence, so the trio solidified their plan to blindside him as soon as possible. Knowing that getting David out will require them to keep it super quiet and play into his ego, inflating his confidence to unheard of levels. Pia then once again gave a masterclass in fake friend acting and again, David, you’re in danger as the Australian Black Widow alliance has finally arrived.

Jonathan and his guns arrived for the immunity challenge where they would race to dig a big sack of walls which they would then use to roll down a long, hard shaft and land them in waiting holes. Little Baden was the first to unleash his balls, rolling them down his shaft and trying to get a handle on the challenge before Luke joined him with his balls. Baden finally mastered the challenge, landing two balls with Luke nipping at his heels. Abbey finally joined the balls as Luke started to overtake Baden, landing his fourth and fifth balls while Baden started knocking his off. David joined them at the paddle but it was all for nought as Luke landed his sixth ball and secured individual immunity for the first time in his Survivor career.

Back at camp everyone congratulated Luke on a job well done at the immunity challenge before he dedicated victory to his kids and again, he has really won me over. As they started to pick at fruit, David quickly locked in the vote for Daisy, pulling everyone aside and feeling on top of the world. But we all know pride comes before a fall and he approached the Champion girls to talk about the plan to split the vote on Daisy and Harry, with JaQueen and Pia assuring him that they love the idea and have no reason to worry about big, bold moves as yet. Which he bought hook, line and sinker.

With that Pia, Abbey and JaQueen split up to bring in allies, with Pia quickly pulling in John before joining JaQueen to pull in Harry who knows that David is a threat and not Daisy. Despite not knowing whether the move will be enough to keep him, he felt like he had no other options. Meanwhile Abbey approached Daisy to get her up to speed on the new plan and told her that while it will sound like everyone is getting rid of her, it is only to keep Dave confident enough to not play his genuine hypothetical idol. While Daisy was nervous to be the decoy vote, she knows that that is her only hope to stay in the game. Pia was hopeful that the blindside will come together, carefully avoiding telling David’s nearest and dearest about the plan, with JaQueen wishing that the sun would hurry up and set so nobody can fuck it up. Right on cue Daisy pulled Luke aside to talk to him about the vote ahead, filling Pia and Abbey with a horrible feeling of dread as they were about to leave.

At tribal council Jonathan was joined by Zaddy Shaun who was looking stunning all scrubbed up before congratulating Luke on his first individual immunity. They then joked about Luke becoming the new challenge beast of the season and dominating the game. JaQueen deflected Jonathan’s suggestion that the focus would now be on a new challenge threat, assuring him that she will be sticking with her alliance this time. David jumped in to agree that allies are more important, particularly if the challenge threat is amongst them as they can keep the target off your back. Dave then went in on Daisy for flipping on him at Champions 2.0 – or 3.0 – with Daisy dutifully playing the hapless next boot, apologising for not talking to him prior to flipping on him pre-merge.

Harry joined the fray to talk about his nerves about old tribal lines dictating the vote ahead and that all he cares about is self-preservation. Zaddy John agreed that all he cares about is making it another day, with Baden agreeing that he wished another Contender wasn’t about to go home however he doesn’t have any say. Simon finally spoke however it clearly wasn’t too memorable as I honestly just know that he said something. Though maybe that was because Jonathan pivoted back to Zaddy John who spoke about cracks showing in the Champion alliance, which immediately made the Champion ladies shit their pants as David appeared to grow more and more nervous. Before heading off to vote Daisy wished that she had scrambled harder before tribal, while Dave asked everyone to stick to the plan, unaware that those magic words are what killed the man, the myth, the legend Keith Nale. And killed him, as Pia’s plan played out perfectly and he was blindsided from the game with an idol in his pocket.

While I do love a Survivor downfall, I also love everything that David has brought to the game this season, from his spunky attitude to his aggressive gameplay and his glistening torso, I would watch him on repeat. He was bummed to be voted out, sure, but was thrilled to see his old runway coach – I go by Miss Benny-J – on hand to comfort him. After I worked through the excitement of having Shaun and David to myself in the jury villa, all I could think about was getting him alone in a room to gorge on some Biscuits & Gravid Genat.

 

David Genat waiting to smash Biscuits & Gravid Genat after he was brutally blindsided from Australian Survivor.

 

Is it lazy to throw together two recipes that I’ve previously done? Sure. but when you’re faced with staring at a cooktop and staring at David’s beautiful face, I think you would err on the side of simple. Plus, this creamy sausagey gloop, slathered over buns is a delicious way to celebrate our model contestant. Or him to celebrate with me, I don’t mind.

Enjoy!

 

David Genat smashing Biscuits & Gravid Genat after he was brutally blindsided from Australian Survivor.

 

Biscuits & Gravid Genat
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
1 batch Jenna Lewiscuits
1 batch Sam Schoesage Gravy

Method
Cook the biscuits as per Jenna’s recipe.

Cook the gravy as per Sam’s recipe.

Split the biscuits, top with gravy and devour.

 

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Shaun Cheese & Hampscones

Shaun Cheese & Hampscones

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the battle between Champions and Contenders reached its crescendo as the two tribes merged with six OGs apiece, thanks to some impressive work from David and Luke to survive a mega-minority after the swap. After the merge Daisy snatched victory at the first reward challenge, and with it an idol, while Shaun took out immunity which gave the former Contenders the upper hand at the first tribal council. Sadly for them, David once again proved to be the master and convinced the tribe to target Andy and get rid of him as an easy vote before the jury commences. While Shaun didn’t like giving up the potential numbers advantage, there was nothing he could do to convince the Contenders it was a bad idea. After being made to feel nervous at tribal, Daisy played her idol just in case as Andy was booted unanimously. And then got one thing right, finally, by dropping the bombshell that Dave has an idol. Even though he didn’t think it was true, a stopped clock is right twice a day.

The next day we checked in with the tribe as Zaddy John was growing more and more annoyed by David’s peacocking around camp. I assume because he isn’t stripping off enough, which John, PREACH. The tribe then critiqued the model’s island looks, with most people reading him for filth thanks to his penchant for a bare chest and copious amounts of accessories. Though his passion for going to challenges at least shirtless is something I am grateful for, so I won’t shade him too much. Plus, his confidence is kind of endearing as he assumes that once again Andy’s attempt at playing the game and blowing (accidentally) up his idol secret will be a fail. Which sadly, I don’t agree with.

Meanwhile Luke was thrilled to still be in the game and somehow have the numbers advantage back after getting everyone to turn on Andy. He and his dear ally Janine were discussing how she expected to go before leaving for the game, with him sharing how much he respected her given she is so open to pushing herself. They then spoke about their tough upbringings and she told him how much she respected him and WHY AM I CRYING. They are honestly a duo I ship hard and I hate that Luke annoyed me so much in his first season. That being said Janine knows that a good social game is key for her and as such, being warm and engaging is her way to deflect from the target on her back. Though I choose to believe her love for Luke is as pure – or impure – as mine for John.

Luke and Baden then caught up to discuss their potential alliance, with Baden sharing that his plan is to ride the middle and use his bond with Luke to keep abreast of what is going on. They then spoke about the importance of getting rid of Shaun and/or Simon as soon as possible, before Shaun sauntered upon the scene just as they were bitching about him. Thankfully for him Baden has no intention of getting rid of another Contender, so planned to use the information to get rid of a Champion ASAP. Baden caught up with Daisy and Shaun who were concerned about his role as a double agent, though were grateful that he could spill the tea and help them find a way to take out David next. Shaun then attempted to dabble in some comedy, joking about David being slimy and while they kinda fell flat he is super pretty, so whatevs.

My boy Jonathan arrived for the reward challenge where everyone would hold themselves up between two poles on ever decreasing footholds … FOR A BRAND NEW CAR. Everyone survived the first stage of the challenge before poor Shaun became the first person out. He was followed by Daisy and Baden in quick succession. The rest transitioned to the skinniest perch, which immediately claimed Zaddy John, Luke, Pia and Harry, before Janine excused herself after an hour leaving Simon, Abbey and David to battle it out for a car they could easily buy themselves. At 75 minutes Simon stepped out of the challenge, with Abbey and Dave fighting it out for another 25 minutes before Jonathan grew tired, told them they could no longer use their hands which proved to be Dave’s undoing, handing Abbey the car. Not to rest on his laurels, Jonathan told Abbey that the boot was complete with a picnic and as such she could invite two people to join her, with the earnest AFL player selecting Dave for trying hard and John for being sweet.

At the picnic Dave gritted his teeth through the disappointment at losing the car, having to tolerate smashing the abundance of food under a waterfall in Fiji. The trio got to celebrating their luck, with Abbey happy to reward Dave’s hard work and form a bond with John. Who was looking forward to getting to know her, which instantly made me jealous. Growing tired of the bonding David decided to bring up the game, suggesting the three of them would be a solid alliance that could control their way to the end game. And while David didn’t want to go to the end with them, he’d be happy to be dragged by them. Sadly for him John had zero desire to work with him, sick of how hard Dave is playing and knowing full well that he needs to go. Abbey then turned the conversation to who should go next, with him placing the target on Shaun’s back and while the logic is solid, his aggressive gameplay irked her too.

Back at camp Shaun was understanding of Abbey taking Dave on reward, given she is so sweet. Instead of dwelling he searched for an idol and stumbled upon a mandarin tree. He was then sprung by Janine and the two of them tried to shake fruit free, while the two discussed how critical it is to get rid of Dave ASAP. Which JaQueen was all in on, vowing to blindside him at the very next chance she gets.

Jonathan returned for the latest immunity challenge which is the full blown water torture event, with everyone submerged under a grate in rising water with the last person to remain under the grate snatching victory. Almost instantly a terrified Daisy and Abbey dropped out of the challenge as the sun started to set and the rest of the competitors started to freeze. As the water covered everyone’s eyes Baden dropped out, followed by Harry, Pia, Harry and Janine, leaving Shaun, Luke, David and Simon to battle it out in the dark. After a brief struggle – which sounds like a death notice – Luke was the next to go, followed by silent Simon leaving the battling babes to hold on for dear life. With Shaun dropping out after being fully submerged, leaving a nearly drowned David to secure immunity,

Oh and then Jonathan dropped the bomb that instead of going back to camp, the tribe would be heading to a lit clearing straight outside tribal council.

The tribe frantically scrambled to identify a target, with the Champions plus Harry immediately excusing themselves to confirm that they would once again split the vote on Daisy and Shaun. Meanwhile Shaun rallied the Contenders and shared that he would be voting for Luke, since David isn’t an option and nobody can possibly beat him at the end. And while everyone agreed, they know Luke is too likeable to get anyone to flip on him at this point in the game. Shaun and Daisy then approached Simon and Abbey to see how they were feeling about things, with Shaun making the pitch to get rid of Luke … as he approached the group and stopped everyone in their tracks. Harry too added some drama, running to John with Pia, JaQueen and Daisy, to float the idea of getting rid of the biggest threat aka Luke. Simon then joined the group as the weighed up who is the bigger threat out of Shaun and Luke. While Pia was open to the flip, she was once again worried about an idol being in play.

The tribe finally arrived at tribal council where David admitted that the previous hour was complete and utter bedlam as everyone tried to draw a line in the sand once and for all. Pia shared that everyone has finally realised that it is well and truly and individual game, while Luke started to whisper to anyone near him to reconfirm the vote against Shaun. David tried to redirect the focus back to Shaun and his strength, while Shaun then pointed out that relying on immunities isn’t enough and as such, Luke and his strategic gameplay is far more threatening and is far harder to get rid of. David tried to sell his immunity victory as one for all of his allies, while JaQueen admitted that the minimal time to scramble has really complicated their games and forced people to ignore a lot of glaring issues with their plans. She then straddled the centre pointing out that getting rid of a challenge threat is something that needs to occur when you have the chance.

Shaun pointed out that getting rid of him is a shitty move and not something that would help build your resume for the jury, while someone like Luke who will beat all of them is a smarter, game-building move. JaQueen tried to reiterate that they need to get rid of strength, with Harry pointing out that they will have other chances and getting rid of Luke makes oh so much sense. John then joined the fray to remind everyone that when Shaun goes, the next strongest will become the biggest threat and as such, those people need to think carefully about how they frame their votes. With that the tribe voted and tragically the stallion himself Shaun was booted from the game.

In any normal season Shaun would be the number one person I lust after between his penchant for speedos and being gorgeous. And while I love John, I assured Shaun that he is my solid number two and I only held back on my love for him thanks to my relationship with his partner Megsy – aka Megan Gale, who I really need to catch-up with soon. Fun fact, I am godfather to their eldest. While Shaun and I were heartbroken to see him eliminated this early, we were grateful that he landed in the fourth best place – behind winner, runner-up and fourth-place robbed goddess – as the King of the Jury. I mean, how reassured are you that such a calm, nice person is setting the tone for this year’s jury. I mean, it almost makes me feel as good as filling my gob with Shaun Cheese & Hampscones.

 

Shaun Cheese & Hampscones

 

There are not many ways you improve on something as wholesome and perfect as Shaun, sorry scone, but adding ham and cheese is definitely one of them. Salty ham, sharp cheddar and a kick of capsicum work together to make these babies even more perfect … er.

Enjoy!

 

Shaun Cheese & Hampscones

 

Shaun Cheese & Hampscones
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
4 cups flour
2 tbsp baking powder
1 tsp chilli flakes
100g chilled unsalted butter, cubed
200g ham, diced
6 shallots, sliced
2 garlic cloves, minced
½ red capsicum, finely diced
½ green capsicum, finely diced
2 cups vintage cheddar cheese, grated
salt and pepper, to taste
1 ½ cups buttermilk, plus more for brushin’

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Sift the flour and baking powder into a large bowl and whisk in the chilli flakes. Add the butter and press together with your fingertips until it comes together and resembles moist sand. How much do you love the word moist? Fold through the ham, shallots, garlic, capsicum and ¾ of the cheese into that moist mix with a good whack of salt and pepper. Pour in the buttermilk and cut it through the mixture until the dough has just come together.

Portion the dough into 8-12 even mounds and place on a lined baking sheet. Brush with excess buttermilk and a sprinkle of the remaining cheese. Transfer to oven and bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden, puffed and glorious.

Spread the fluffy little buns, slather with copious amounts of butter and devour, as the sweet butter melts and drips all over you.

Maybe Shaun is my number one?

 

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Mattella Farrownies awaiting a crestfallen Matt Farrelly after he became the eleventh boot of Australian Survivor.

Mattella Farrownies

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor David and Luke were left alone on the new Champions tribe and while they navigated some early tribals, Shaun was stolen to their tribe and reunited the Contenders. This meant the boys had to both play their idols at the next tribal council and while thankfully David found another one, that doesn’t guarantee both of their safety for very long. Meanwhile the new Contenders tribe was dominated by Champions with Harry pitting himself against JaQueen, which is a more rookie mistake than anything Andy comes up with. This lead to the Champs throwing the immunity challenge to flush his idol out and knock him down a peg, which meant poor Casey sadly became collateral damage.

We checked in with Champions that night with John talking non-stop about the erotic nature of a mexican parmigiana, filling Daisy and Shaun with joy and my basement. Well, let’s just say it was well and truly flooded.

The next morning Harry was casing the Contenders beach in the hopes of finding himself a second idol, while Ross and Abbey watched the sunrise. JaQueen checked in with Harry to see if he ever slept, not so subtly letting him know that everyone can see through his searching. The tribe then sat around to have breakfast while Harry commenced his hunt once again, with Ross thankfully deciding it was critical to follow him to ensure that he doesn’t find it. Ross returned to the Holy Trinity of Pia, Abbey and JaQueen to share that he sadly lost Harry, while Simon walked right past the idol clue completely unaware. As Harry continued to search without a care in the world, he finally spotted the clue and mother fucker, it directed him to it being hidden high up in the shelter. Matt stumbled upon the scene and Harry asked that he help him get the tribe out of camp so that he can snatch the idol and try and use it to save themselves.

Back at the Champions tribe David was tucking his idol in like the total zaddy that he is, thankful that he has had a tumultuous run, as it will mean a great story should he make it to final tribal. While he and Luke hung out at camp, they watched the rest of the tribe shamelessly hunting for the idol in the shore, laughing at the futility of their search. While he was confident with his idol, David knew he had to smooth things over with Shaun so pulled him aside to float the idea of working together after the merge due to the fact they will quickly become the targets. Shaun shared this intel with Andy and John, before vowing to us to slit Dave’s throat when he least expects it. Which sounds super aggressive when you write it, so let’s go with take him out. Oh and Harry snatched the idol back at the Contenders beach. Womp womp.

Jonathan, his guns and the Tower of Terror returned for the latest reward challenge where the tribes would be blindfolded at the top of the tower, walk a plank, snatch a ring, dive into the ocean and chuck their ring on a peg. First tribe to three snatching victory in the form of a pub visit, complete with a parma and pint. Luke and Harry went first with Luke making quick work of the beam, diving in and landing his ring just as Harry belly flopped Monika style. Janine and Baden were next to face off with JaQueen tragically missing her shot, giving Baden another chance to score a point for his tribe. Abbey started to break down atop the tower while Andy and Ross faced off, with Andy axing himself as he belly flopped and King Ross slightly closing the gap. Pia and John went next with the Looking for Alibrandi icon struggling without the ability to see as John secured victory for the tribe, and more importantly, parma for himself. As is oft the case, Jonathan then gave the victors the chance to steal someone to share the spoils with them tragically giving Harry a feed to go with his second idol.

Back at camp the Contenders were feeling miserable, with Matt realising that he is the Michael Jordan in this twisted version of Space Jam. And just like that, I love him again. The OG Champs sat around eating some beans while poor Matt loitered around waiting for his one, albeit shitty friend to return. Meanwhile over at the reward site, the Champs were giddy to find a couple of freshly tapped kegs and a table full of parmas. This made Zaddy John the happiest he has ever been, though sadly not happy enough to strip off for a celebratory nudie run. While I sulked on my coach, Harry filled everyone in on what went down at the previous tribal council and pointed out that the Champions are impenetrable. Which made Luke and David super awkward. Harry continued to charm his former friends, suggesting they all start calling JaQueen the godmother to piss her off. Harry and Shaun then caught up by the shore with Daisy and a loitering Andy, with Harry keeping the intel about his idol quiet to get them thinking about throwing a challenge to secure the numbers ahead of the merge.

Speaking of thrown challenges, Jonathan returned for next immunity challenge with Andy super smug about taking control for his fellow Contenders. The challenge involved the tribe sliding from a tower to collect numbers, then using said numbers to release a hammer which they use to smash four targets to release bags of puzzle pieces … which the remaining pair use to solve said puzzle and snatch immunity. Matt got the Contenders out to an early lead snatching two while Daisy barely snatched one. Simon too grabbed two leaving the rest to just enjoy the slide while the Champs tried to close the gap. When it came to smashing the targets the Contenders only extended their lead, despite the valiant efforts of David and John. Pia and Harry commenced work on the puzzle with Baden and Andy trying to close the gap. Well Baden was at least, as Andy desperately tried to waste his time and throw the challenge with the subtlety of his arrogant confessional style. As Pia and Harry powered ahead, Baden tried to work against Andy’s obvious lack of interest. He then started throwing pieces on the ground and started to piss off his own allies too while Baden valiantly overcame the deficit and somehow managed to secure immunity singlehandedly for the tribe.

Back at camp the tribe were lamenting their losses, while JaQueen was pragmatic about it, grateful that at least the loss meant that they could get rid of the threat in the form of Harry. Particularly since he is targeting her. Sadly for her, she didn’t believe that Harry has an idol so planned to load all the votes on him and get rid of him. Meanwhile Harry and Matt caught up at the shelter with Harry letting him know about the idol, and after deciding that Janine has an idol, he decided to target Pia instead. He and Matt then decided that they need to try and get Simon and Ross on board to avoid burning their idol. Matt approached Simon, who admitted that before the tribe swap he was a sitting duck which lead to Matt pushing hard for him to make a move before he ends up in fifth place. Sadly for him though, he has made it obvious he is very anti Champion, so I don’t know that he is an enticing proposition.

Harry then worked on Ross, with the King wanting to know what the hell Harry offers any of them. While Ross did admit to wanting to shake things up, Harry wasn’t convinced so he started to fake cry by the shore about losing the shot at his dream. This obviously touched sweet Ross, who felt bad about screwing Harry’s idol find, or so he thought, and even offered to get voted out instead. Ross approached JaQueen and Abbey to let them know about Harry’s (fake) breakdown, with the girls feeling far less sympathetic than Ross. As it grew closer to tribal council Pia started to get nervous about the vote ahead, since she isn’t feeling nervous and I hope she knows that she should feel nervous. You follow?

At tribal council Matt and Harry each popped a stick in their mouths before the latter spoke about his love for Janine and wanting to play against her as one of the strongest players in the game. JaQueen deflected his compliment, before Pia admitted that they are frenemies and that she may not want to go up against him yet. Janine spoke about the different ways in which all the members of the alliance lead and shared that she is really gutted that they lost the immunity challenge. Matt piped up to talk about how frustrating it is to be back at tribal council given the former Champions have an easy path to the merge, while he and Harry are kinda screwed. JaQueen pointed out that Harry is a cockroach, which is a compliment, before the Champs agreed that if everything goes to plan, Harry will finally be exterminated. Matt then said that that still doesn’t make him feel very safe, which made the girls feel nervous.

Harry then interrupted proceedings to ask the boys to come aside and identify one of the girls to vote out and become an alliance of four with no one on the top. Matt jumped in to point out that he spoke to Simon and found out that he is definitely on the bottom of his alliance, while Ross appeared to almost be convinced given his love of Harry’s socks. With that that tribe voted as Ross kinda loudly whispered that Matt and Harry would be voting for Pia, while Harry was super cocky while playing his second idol which then lead to JaQueen pulling her idol out of her pocket. The votes rolled in with Harry negating three and the remaining piling up on Pia and Matt. The tribe then revoted and thankfully – because I am passionate about Pia – poor Matt found himself exiting the game.

While he is full of bravado, Matt is straight up one of the sweetest men I have ever met. Speaking of met, we’ve known each other for years crossing paths at a wrestling match. I was drawn to see someone going by the name of Wahlberg hoping for a bit of Boogie Nights action in some lycra and while it was far less sexy that I hoped, I found a true friend as we bonded over a love of history. Given how close we are, I knew there was one thing that would take him straight out of his post-boot funk – Mattella Farrownies.

 

Matt Farrelly hoping that a tray of Mattella Farrownies will dull the pain of becoming the eleventh boot of Australian Survivor.

 

This Nigella number is quite possibly the quickest, easiest sweet you could possibly make. Add to that, the fact that it is insanely delicious and you’d be mad not to whip it up if your friend is heartbroken to not make the jury. Even when you reassure them that you would still date them, despite the loser status.

Enjoy!

 

Mat Farrelly hoping that a tray of Mattella Farrownies will dull the pain of becoming the eleventh boot of Australian Survivor.

 

Mattella Farrownies
Serves: 1 sad wrestler and his friend that wants him to love him.

Ingredients
8 large eggs
kosher salt, to taste
500g Nutella
1 tbsp icing sugar, to dust

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Crack the eggs into your stand mixer with and a good pinch of salt, and beat until stiff peaks form. About five minutes or so.

Meanwhile, decant the Nutella into a microwave dish and heat for a minute, or until it is lightly warmed and a bit more malleable. Still whisking the eggs, pour the nutella into the bowl in a slow, continuous stream until it is just combined.

Transfer the batter into a lined 30x30cm baking tin, and cook for 15-20 minutes, or until dry on the top but set-yet-tender in the middle.

Leave to cool completely in the tin before carving up, dusting with icing sugar and devouring. Preferably off the torso of a tall, bleach blonde man.

 

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