Writer

Mint Julie Delpy

Drink

I was sitting on my balcony, melancholic after Caz’s departure and knowing that the swim events are nearly over and my basement will be dried up.

As the tears streamed down my face, the afternoon sun caught my eye as the cold August – remember, I live in Australia, mate etc. – winds hit my face and brought me back to reality. I need a drink and I need to share it with my second favourite Jujubee.

I reached for my phone as the sun continued to set and conveniently saw a message from the divine Julie Delpy.

Turn around, it read.

Like Liza in SaTC 2, had I manifested her?

“Darling,” (because all European people say darling, right Zsa Zsa / Arianna) “I know how depressed you get with the end of the swim events at the Olympics, so I knew that you needed me.”

Despite being extremely concerned about the fact she so easily broke into my house with me sitting five meters from the door without noticing AND the fact she broke in by using an axe to break down the door, she is an Academy Award nominee, French and I love her, so I ran into her arms and cried about the less skin I will be seeing in week two of the games.

I first met Delps in the 1990s while filming Before Sunrise. I was dating Ethan Hawke at the time, hoping that having a relation of Tennessee Williams inside me would make me great. While it made me feel great, our relationship wouldn’t last as I was too busy running scams / being deported.

Unable to return to the US with Ethan, Delps took me in and cured my heartache as we bonded over a mutual love for day drinking.

While it took Delps a while to pull me out of my latest funk, she reminded me that the 100m sprint was still coming up, Bloom and Bieber may continue their peen off and there were drinks to be made. With a sense of duty, I made my way to the bar to whip us up a Mint Julie Delpy while she ran me through the remaining events with scantily clad men.

 

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Like Delps, these delights are sweet and all at once delicate and strong … but maybe that is my heavy handedness with the shots?

Either way – enjoy!

 

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Mint Julie Delpy
Makes: 1.

Ingredients
8 mint leaves, plus a sprig for garnish
1 ½ teaspoons superfine sugar
2 shots bourbon
soda water
ice

Method
Another one of those tough recipes to master today guys!

Place the mint and sugar in the bottom of the glass and muddle together until the leaves are breaking up and releasing their flavour. Add a bit of soda water, add the ice and top with bourbon and soda water to taste. Give it a stir, garnish with a sprig of mint and down.

 

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Carrie Fisher’n’Chips

Main, Seafood

Oh my goodness – my stomach is in agony! No i’m not into some odd masturbatory technique, I just haven’t stopped laughing for the last 24 hours.

It was such a treat to have Carrie over and reenact a good / funny version of SaTC with the part of New York dutifully played by my kitchen / television.

As you know, we met in rehab and were bonded instantly due the fact we were both poised to be celebrated writers and we had complex relationships with our Hollywood mothers. While my issues stemmed from the fact that I was generally running a scam at their expense, Carrie grew up in the limelight of the Reynolds-Fisher dynasty and drama which gave her a very different childhood … and me a reason to befriend her to get to Debs to form an alliance against Liz.

Obviously she stole two of her husbands from me … but that is another story for another time.

So back on track, I quickly ingratiated myself with the Reynolds-Fishers (often despite Caz’s better judgement) and have been a confidante to Caz ever since, filling each other’s lives with so much joy and laughter.

I can’t say enough about how beautiful and close our friendship is.

As I mentioned and I’m sure Star TrekWars fans would be aware, Caz just wrapped on the latest movie and was completely pooped so relished the opportunity to pull up a seat next to me in our twin recliners and make sassy, forced, attention grabbing statements about the semi-clad swimmers who were dutifully flooding our basements.

To get us in the mood – or to be more accurate, out of it – I whipped up a batch of her favourite / my famous Carrie Fisher’n’Chips.

 

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I assume I’ve mentioned it ad nauseam, if not, I fucking hate seafood. Hate it. I mean, they live in their filth (even though someone rightfully argued that they live in a purifying saline solution). Anyway, Carrie loves a good ole Fish and Chips and given that she just wrapped her time in London, I had to make something to help her acclimate back into the real world.

With that, I went heavy with the chilli, lemon and lime to drown the flavour of fish and served it with crispy chips and a delightful harissa mayo that had me *shudder* liking seafood.

Enjoy!

 

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Carrie Fisher’n’Chips
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
8 pieces of hoki portions (I hate seafood, of course I’m going to buy pre-portioned)
2 eggs, whisked
1 cup plain flour
2 cups panko breadcrumbs
¼ cup flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
1 tbsp chilli flakes
zest of one lime
vegetable oil
One serve of the chips from Friza Minnelli … I don’t think the Dolognese would help the chips

Harissa mayo
1 clove of garlic, finely minced
3 tbsp mayonnaise
4 tsp harissa paste
1 ½ tsp rose water

Tartare
1 cup mayonnaise
zest of one lemon
2 tsp capers, drained, finely chopped
2 gherkins, finely chopped
2 tbsp flat-leaf parsley, chopped

Method
Probs make a start on the chips first. Then when they are in the oven, whisk the eggs in a shallow bowl, the flour in a second shallow bowl and combine the breadcrumbs, parsley, chilli and lime in the third shallow bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper.

Dry the hoki pieces with some paper towel. Working piece by piece, coat the fish in the flour, dip in the egg and coat in the crumb. Rest on a plate and continue until they are all sorted.

Heat a good lug of vegetable oil in a large frying pan over medium heat, when it is nice and hot reduce the heat to low and fry two pieces at a time, 4-5 minutes per side. Remove to some paper towel and repeat until the fish is sorted.

Turn off the oven when the chips are done and place the fish on the lower shelf to keep warm while you quickly whip up the sauces … which are super easy. Place all the ingredients in separate bowls – obviously – and stir to combine.

Serve up the fish and chips with a fat dollop of the sauces and the cut up zested citrus. Devour.

 

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Postcards from the force of Hannah and Her Sisters

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Huge news guys!

No, I’m not covering the Olympics despite being crazy sporty. While I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m not there the answer is simple, I am a doctor for the Russian team … so yeah, I’m banned – maybe I’ll be allowed in Tokyo?

Who knows? Either way, I was crazy moist after watching the Opening Ceremony and decided I needed one of my closest gal pals to drop by while we quench our thirst during the first/best week of the competition – aka swimming / scantily-clad-men-a-palooza.

So obviously I reached out to my closest girlfriend, Carrie Fisher and obviously she said yes!

We’ve know each other since meeting in rehab – I was the inspiration behind Alex in Postcards from the Edge. Like the bonds I made in prison, the bonds you make in rehab are for life and Caz and I have always been a loving support for each other.

Caz recently wrapped on the latest Star Wars movie – fun fact, it was our life goal to never see one of those films but Carrie had to sit through one at a premiere so I am riding solo with that goal (relax Star Wars fans, if Carrie asks me to watch them I will … she doesn’t mind) – so was very keen to relax, reconnect and lecherously watch the swim events.

What says you’re my dearest friend / damn I love watching the swim team?!

Picture source: Publicity shot from a Star Wars, obviously I don’t know which one.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Jackie (Tom) Collins

Drink

It is was my pal Joanie’s birthday earlier in the week and it reminded me about the rapidly approaching anniversary of her sister, and my dear friend, Jacs’  death. It has been making me feel melancholic and left me unable to adequate celebrate for Jo-Jo, so instead of drowning my sorrows – my go to coping mechanism – I decided to whip out the time machine to say my goodbyes.

As you know, Jac kept her illness secret, even from her two closest confidantes – Joanie and myself – and we only found out a few weeks before she passed and sadly I didn’t make it over in time to say goodbye, which has haunted me ever since.

I first met Jac in the 40s, after working with her big sister in a production of A Doll’s House. Seeing my star turn as Nora Helmer, Jacs was inspired to follow in Joan’s footsteps and become an actress.

Despite a brief falling-out in the 60s when we had a simultaneous affair with Marlon Brando, Jacs and I have enjoyed a close bond, with my mentorship of her acting and later her mentorship of my erotic writing career (to be published, for some reason).

Wanting to get closure, I didn’t travel far back in time to just before her passing so that we could enjoy a last hurrah. While she was so close to the end, Jacs was still so full of life and was as witty and sharp as ever, which just warmed my heart to be able to see and know that she was ready.

As I said, I wasn’t going to drown my sorrows, so instead we joined together to toast a life well lived and a career full of scintillating writing over our drink of choice – a Jackie (Tom) Collins.

 

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As great as it is to witness the Collins girls banter back and forward, I couldn’t risk Joanie throwing a drink in my face and wrestling me in a pool – as we are known to do – so I just kept it to the two of us.

But when you’ve got a raspberry and lemon, gin soaked delight – do you really need anything else (or to be soaked by pool water)?

Enjoy!

 

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Jackie (Tom) Collins
Makes: 1.

Ingredients
ice cubes, to serve
raspberries
2 thin lemon slices, halved
30ml gin
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
chilled mineral water, to serve

Method
Place ice, a couple of raspberries and the slices of lemon in the base of your glass. Add the gin and lemon juice and top up with mineral water.

Swizzle and down. Simple and delicious.

 

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Dawn French Toast

Breakfast, Main

To be blunt, a TV comedy vicar is quite possibly the best person to go to for spiritual guidance and emotional sustenance.

The Meggstravaganza really takes a lot out of me, not even taking into account the post ritual peyote withdrawals I suffer. I really needed something to provide me with support and love, and thankfully Dawny is always up to act as my human bra. Both literally and figuratively.

She likes soft pecs, that’s for sure.

But I’ve digressed – it was such a thrill to see Dawn and recharge the batteries with such a close friend.

We gossiped over the upcoming Ab Fab movie  in which we both have cameos and my ongoing feud with Ruby Wax (she knows what she did and a saint like Dawn won’t change my mind – this girl is going to stay on top), before she begged me to pass on a script she had worked on to star in alongside Judi Dench.

While I told her I would, I am clearly going to doctor the script, re-write her role to be for me and pass it off as my own work before Judi’s deteriorating eyes never get a chance to see it.

I’ll write in a cameo for her though, as I am such a bloody delight.

We all know that Dawny has a very well publicised obsession/love for pasties and as much as I enjoy being antagonistic with my friends, I just couldn’t bring myself to make one based solely on carrots. Plus, they act like whoopee in my guts and that would just be a disgusting disaster … thus I went with her second favourite meal, my Dawn French Toast.

 

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This may come as a shock but sweet breakfasts aren’t really my thing, as who can go past bacon. Now I know that bacon goes well with sweet things, like French Toast, but I generally opt for haloumi and/or mushroom and/or (who am I kidding … they are all ands) hash browns.

Once again, I’ve digressed. Given that Dawn is one of my sweetest friends and she starred in an hilarious and underrated comedy named after a Marie Antoinette misquote that should have referenced brioche, I felt it was appropriate to dip my toe in the sweet breakfast pool and slather the fluffy, custardy bread in a good, hearty dollop of Cinnamonica Seles Apples.

Oh, and carrots … but I don’t think she actually noticed them. Enjoy!

 

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Dawn French Toast
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
2 eggs
⅓ cup cream
1 tsp vanilla essence
1 tbsp brown sugar
4-6 thick slices Briocher Bünsberg (but in loaf form, ok?)
30g butter

Method
Whisk the eggs, cream, vanilla and sugar together in a large, flat bowl.

Melt the butter in a large non-stick pan over medium heat until it is foamy and beautiful.

Dip the brioche into egg mixture, flip over and allow excess to dip off before placing into the hot pan. Cook for a minute or so, flip and cook for a further minute, or until golden and crisp.

Serve and slather with the condiments of your choosing, bacon and some maple is good … but the Cinnamonica Seles Apples are better.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

The Visit of Dibley

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

After a busy week focusing on the ritual to rebirth Meg Ryan’s career, I started to crave a religious experience and since I’ve been blacklisted from six niche religions I felt the smartest move would be to reach out to my dear friend, the Vicar of Dibley herself – Dawn French.

Obviously I met Frenchie in the 70s while attending the Central School of Speech and Drama with Jenny Saunds, obviously we became the best of friends (they are part of my European best friend trio – the British equivalent of Amy and Teens), obviously I inspired numerous of the characters they created on French & Saunders and obviously they have stood by during my countless scandals.

It has been a few years since last catching up with Frenchie. You see, Dawn had tried to assist me in rigging Australia’s Got Talent but when I realised that I actually had no talent that could transfer to TV, I orchestrated the show’s second axing. Feeling awkward, I’ve kept a low profile with Dawn, JIC she holds it against me.

Given some of the other things she has forgiven though, I doubt she will.

What says sorry I got AGT axed for a year resulting in you spending time with Timomatic for no real reason?

Also, what is a Timomatic?

Picture source: BBC.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Andy Sambergers

Main, Party Food, Snack

Given the fact we both have dark, curly hair and well, that is it (but hey, it was enough to get me the job as his body-double), my torrid love affair with Andy Samberg is the closest I’ve ever come to twincest but that isn’t the greatest thing our love bore – Dick in a Box.

Originally co-written as a celebratory post-coital jam Dick in a Box, in the previous timeline, would have gone on to be a gay anthem that we likely would have submitted to Eurovision to be sung by Engelbert Humperdinck in the UK. Instead, I had to give up our love affair when travelling back in time but knew that the world needed that song so dropped hints for Andy to include a different version during his time on SNL.

While Andy sometimes doesn’t believe our past affair in the alternate timeline, we have always been close friends and collaborators with him insisting my personality inspired the best aspects of both Jake Peralta and Gina Linetti on his current hit show, Brooklyn Nine Nine.

Being close friends with his wife in this timeline (I taught her harp and encouraged Melbourne to use her song for their infamous ad), I always try and catch up with the first couple I ever married when I get the chance. Don’t tell them I’m not actually allowed to officiate marriages, I wanted to keep my options with Andy open …

Sadly Jo was out of town – how strange that Andy forgot to mention that tidbit – so it was just a good old fashioned sausage fest. While our ideas of a good old fashioned sausage fest differ greatly, I was able to whip up a batch of my Andy Sambergers to get us off for us to enjoy.

 

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Sweet, soft round buns with a thick piece of hot, spicy meat covered in a nice creamy load of bernaise, you’d be forgiven for thinking we were in the OG timeline but with onions.

I would explain to you the laws of our time-travel but I need to go cool myself down – enjoy!

 

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Andy Sambergers
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
750g good quality beef mince
1 cup flat-leaf parsley, chopped
2 tbsp capers
1 tbsp hot pickled peppers, chopped
2 cloves garlic
salt
black pepper
3 large onions, sliced
3 tbsp butter
dijon mustard
Briocher Bünsberg
Tomatoni Braxton Relish
Bernadaise Peters

Method
Place parsley, capers, peppers and garlic in a food processor and blitz to create a rough paste. Add to a large bowl with the beef mince and a good whack of salt and pepper. Mix together and form into 6-8 evenly sized patties, place on a plate lined with cling, cover and refrigerate for an hour or so.

While they are sitting in their juices and becoming delightful, get to work on the onions. Place a medium saucepan over low heat and melt butter until it starts to foam before adding the onions. Cook slowly until soft, caramelised and sweet … or about half an hour. Turn off, cover and leave to rest.

Once the onions are sweet and glorious, heat a large griddle over high heat. When it is nice and hot, toast the halved buns and remove to serving plates. Reduce the temperature to low and brush with oil before added all of the patties. Cook for a few minutes either side until they’re at the desired ‘doneness’, making sure you only flip them once.

Now to get building, smear some dijon on the top of the bun and spread a generous dollop of relish on the bottom. Top with some caramelised onion, then the patty and top with some fresh Bernie.

Lucky I’d conveniently caught up with the whole gang recently!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Brooklyn Nine-Fine

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

What the what are we doing posting our week’s schedule a day late, you ask?!

For those who may have been living under a rock, yesterday was the most wonderful day of the year, Oscar Day, and as such, I was muy muy busy, co-hosting the red carpet for E, Bravo, ABC, Retirement Living and four other networks while attending as a major Hollywood A-lister’s date, seat-filling AND live blogging the whole thing for you, and was unable to post this week’s tease as planned.

Never fear! I am back to work with a killer hangover to let you know that I am catching up with my dear friend Andy Samberg before I jet back to Australia.

I first connected with Andy in the early teenies when I was doing a lot of work as a body double, on account of my low-esteem and desire to be adored in place of famous people. During this time an up and comer called Andy Samberg crossed the ditch to headline a series called Cuckoo and a beautiful friendship began.

Through the use of time-travel, I went back to 2005 and gave him pointers to avoid pissing off Lorne Michaels at the SNL auditions and thus, this timeline was born and I saved him from a failed career and savage cocaine addiction. See, I’m not that horrible! I do make positive contributions to society!

What says how do we fix the egregious striking of you name from last year’s Best Original Song nominee, Everything is Awesome?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Aaron Porkin Cabbage Dumplings

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVI: Gold Interrupted, Party Food, Snack

As a ramblin’ man, prone to long monologues at anyone that will listen with the speedy caffeinated talking style of the Gilmore Girls, you just know I am a close friend with Aaron Sorkin.

I first met Sorki in the late 90s when he hired me as to act as his sports advisor on the set of his new show Sports Night. Given our mutual love of fast-paced talking, the bond we shared was instant and we have been working together ever since with me doctoring all of his major scripts.

Well except for The Social Network as I was banned from the set due to my arrests for stalking JT and the consulting Winklevii twins.

This year’s crop of screenplay nominees are largely first time nominees, allowing us to really get into a wordy discussion on the merits of each picture without touching the elephant in the room that is his snubbing for the Steve Jobs script – he likely blames my doctoring, I blame everything but myself because well #OscarsSoStraight too.

When engaging in spirited and verbose discussion, it is important to make sure you have a meal that is both hearty and light – that is where my Aaron Porkin Cabbage Dumplings come in!

 

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Packed full of fresh ingredients, the flavours combine to give you an all together delicious blob of meat wrapped in a light, spongy dough. So, you know, the basic, undignified definition of what a dumpling is.

Enjoy!

 

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Aaron Porkin Cabbage Dumplings
Makes: 48.

Ingredients
4 tsp finely grated fresh ginger
4 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 ½ cup coarsely chopped wombok
500g pork mince
4 shallots, trimmed, thinly sliced
2 tbsp tamari
1 tbsp caster sugar
1 tbsp sesame oil
1 tbsp cooking sake
48 gow gee wrappers
1 ½ tbsp vegetable oil, extra
⅔ cup water, extra

Method
Combine ginger and garlic, cabbage, pork, shallots, tamari, sugar, sesame oil, sake and a good whack of salt and pepper.

Place a wrapper on a clean work surface. Place about2 tsps of pork mixture in the centre of the wrapper, brush edges with water and fold over to enclose, pinching the edges together. Place on a tray lined with non-stick baking paper. Repeat with remaining wrappers and pork mixture.

You can try and make them look nice and crimped but I am really terrible at it.

Heat half the extra vegetable oil in a non-stick frying pan over high heat. Cook half the gyoza for 2 minutes or until bases are golden. Add half the extra water. Cook, covered, for 5 minutes or until cooked and liquid has evaporated. Transfer to a serving platter and repeat with remaining oil, gyoza and water.

Serve with sriracha, hoisin or soy sauce while walking around delivering rapid monologues with your friends.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Ang Leek and Asparagus Tarts

Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVI: Gold Interrupted

I am almost overwhelmed when it comes to talking about my beautiful, breathtaking and languid friendship with the gorgeous Ang Lee. He has brought me so much joy over the years – adapting books I love, casting men I love and having them flash their buns, which I love.

Ang Lee is both a pimp for my love of celluloid flesh and a saint, which is a stunning combination.

I first connected with the celebrated director while attending the Provincial Tainan First Senior High School where his father, our principal, made him act as my mentor to curb my shameful, wayward behaviour.

Ang was such a kind, gentle soul and I desperately wanted to avoid disappointing him, however me being me, I rubbed off on him and he failed his final exams and couldn’t progress to being a professor. Thankfully it led him to eventually being a director so, in a roundabout way, I am responsible for his lush films and lauded career.

You’re welcome.

We lost contact after his mandatory military service however reconnected through Em Thomp – my closest boozing bud – while he was making Sense and Sensibility and I became his most trusted advisor, leading to Bana buns in Hulk and Brokeback Mountain.

While it was very hard to be overlooked for the role of Ennis opposite J-Gyll, Ang was kind enough to introduce us on set – he hired me as the resident flannel expert – and we enjoyed a torrid love affair that I ran to the paps about, thus starting all of the Jake gay rumours.

No one was better to discuss this year’s Best Director crop than the two-time winner, so I whipped up my Ang Leek and Asparagus Tarts to fuel our moving discussion about the possibility of our dear friend George Miller finally getting recognised for his work after such a majestically eclectic filmography.

Dark horse pick goes to Adam McKay. I mean, he was robbed for the Anchorman movies.

 

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While asparagus pee is both a blessing (I’m special) and a curse (it is rank), these tarts are well worth it. The sweetness of the leek with the sharp goat’s cheese and earthy asparagus create a delicate little tart that packs as much of a punch as one of Ang’s films.

Enjoy!

 

ang-leek-asparagus-tarts-2

 

Ang Leek and Asparagus Tarts
Makes: 18.

Ingredients
2 sheets puff pastry, thawed
1 tablespoon butter
2 leeks, finely sliced
1 bunch asparagus
Sea salt
Freshly ground black pepper
3 eggs, lightly beaten
300ml cream
150g goat’s cheese

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Melt butter over low heat and saute the leeks until soft, and place into a large mixing bowl.

Trim the ends of the asparagus and cut into 5cm pieces and fry for two minutes on high heat in the same pan, until bright and just cooked. Add asparagus to the leeks and allow to cool.

Once cooled, add in the eggs and cream, season and stir to combine.

Place the puff pastry on a clean surface and cut both into a 3×3 grid, so that each sheet make nine squares. Roughly press each square of pastry into a muffin tin, to create a rustic looking case – I am too lazy to worry about it looking “nice,” as is Ang.

Pour the vegetable/custard mixture even amongst the 18 cases and crumble the goats cheese on top.

Whack in the oven and bake for 20 minutes or until set and golden. Remove from the oven and rest for about 20 minutes before inhaling.

Devour in a poignant fashion.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.