Slash Browns

Breakfast, Side, Snack

Despite the doomsday and dramatic names of his albums, my dear friend Slash is the kind of person that fills me with an overwhelming sense of calm. Given everything I’ve done over the years, it is quite clear that is rare as well as a good thing.

While … except there was that one time Slash wasn’t able to keep my epic temper in check which ultimately led to him leaving Guns N’ Roses.

But I should probably take you back a bit further right?

I first met Slash many years ago in England when part of Bowie’s entourage. Slash’s mother used to design costumes for Dave and when we’d drop by I was always drawn to the beautiful sound of guitar in the other room.

From those very first days, I knew that he was destined for greatness and as such made my first attempt at momagering him.

(Oh FYI, I tried to adopt him … thus my plan failing, despite his success).

I then introduced him to Axl in the ‘80s and, as you know, designed what would become the majesty that in Guns N’ Roses. You’re welcome.

While I was a diligent Chief Groupie Advisor and muse – when not in prison – I did get angry with Ax when he opted not to sleep with me after a gig and swiftly went to Slash to quit the band. I was irate, he was loyal – and probably scared – and stepped away. All’s well that ends well though, as I was able to convince him to rejoin the band last year.

Given how busy the boys have been since reforming, I haven’t been able to see much of Slash so it was such a treat to spend a bit of time with him. While we sadly didn’t reconnect in the physical persuasion, I still made him our morning after Slash Browns and for that he is forever grateful.

 

 

Make no mistake, Slash is comforting and delightful … but that pales in comparison to how potato makes you feel. Particularly – and I feel like I say this for any potato recipe – when it comes in the form of a hash brown. Crisp on the outside, light and fluffy on the inside … and complete perfection.

Enjoy!

 

 

Slash Browns
Makes: 8.

Ingredients
4 potatoes, peeled and parboiled
1 egg, lightly whisked
2 tbsp milk powder
⅓ cup flour
¼ tsp smoked paprika
salt, pepper and caster sugar, to taste
butter or vegetable oil, for frying

Method
Grate the parboiled potatoes and press in a sieve to remove as much liquid as possible. Once dry(ish), place the potato in a bowl to cool.

Once cool, add the egg, milk powder, flour, smoked paprika, salt, pepper and a pinch of sugar, and scrunch with your hands to combine.

Press a small handful of mixture into a hash brown shape, place on a lined baking sheet and continue until done. Cover and place in the fridge for an hour or so.

Once the hash browns have chilled, heat a good knob of butter or lug of oil in a large frying pan over medium heat. When it is nice and hot, place a couple of hash browns in the pan and cook for a couple of minutes either side, or until golden and crisp.

Repeat until done, then devour. With or without eggs and/or Slash.

 

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Welcome to the snakepit

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Good news – I managed to find a way to skip out of the US without getting caught up in a Twitter war with POTUS nor having my Oscars sabotage coming back to bite me.

You’re fucking welcome Annette Benning – never again will I protest a lack of nomination for someone on such a large scale.

Anyway, I’m safe and sound and evidently world spread around the globe leading to none other than my dear chum Slash reaching out to reconnect.

It has been a few year’s since I’ve been in Slash’s Snakepit, so what do I make to bring us back together emotionally, professionally … and physically?

Picture source: Unknown but DAMN.

 

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Waffadele Burger

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVII: Gold with the Wind, Party Food

So speaking of Beyonce – one woman’s curse via recipe is another woman’s gain … and that woman making the gains was none other than my dear frenemy Adele.

Uggggghhhhhhhh. And contrary to what some may think of me, that wasn’t a shady comment about weight. Glass houses and all, you know?

Also let me start by saying that firstly, I love Adele … but the slag can fucking drink me under the table and I hate to lose – particularly if said competition I am losing is based on alcohol consumption – so as such, she is more frenemy than friend.

Plus – she keeps winning things and Jesus loves winners and if she is winning, maybe sometimes that means I’m losing. Which is terrible.

Anyway the ol shagger has not only won a shit tonne of Grammys but is also the proud owner of an Academy Award for Best Original Song which is, quite possibly, my favourite category (because when I’m nominated in 7 years, I get to perform the song on stage the same night I win 15 awards).

I should probably tell you about my past with Adele though, shouldn’t I? I first met Adsy ten years ago when I stumbled upon her busking on the tube or something – I was big into bath salts at the time so don’t remember much. I do remember she had talent though and took her under my wing and decided I would one day make her a d-list star to rival Kathy Griffin (read: they are both red(ish)heads).

Halfway through my tutelage of her I sobered up and realised that she is just someone that is skilled at writing sad music and holding notes – I must remember to see Chris Martin one day soon – and told her that she should give up on her dreams, lest she wanted my forehead to chase itself into the pavement.

It inspired her hit song and gave her a career … but did I get any thanks? No. Which is another reason we are frenemies. I also inspired her Oscar winning song Skyfall – it was about balls and is meant to be part of Lil Whorephan Andy – but that is another story for another time.

As much as I’ve complained about Ads, it was such a treat to see her and her 6000 new Grammys and to discuss something she is far less skilled at, the world of celebrity and the Holy Grail of awards ceremonies.

Lucky for this year’s race for Best Original Song is a two horse-one batch of nominees race between the two nominated hits from La La Land. I mean sure, in any other year Lin Manuel would be polishing the EGOT label on his future tombstone … but La La Land was a gem celebrating old Hollywood that was also more cerebral than most people give it credit for, meaning it is pretty much unbeatable in this category above all else. And even Adele can see that.

I mean, it is a musical for christ sake – we can ignore that Another Day in the Sun and Someone in the Crowd are infinitely superior songs.

We both agreed that City of Stars is the safest bet for the gong and that a Waffadele Burger is the perfect feed for such robust debate.

And drinking.

 

waffadele-burger-1

 

I know, I know – a waffle burger is gimmicky … but this one is pure perfection. I mean it is a copycat Big Mac, served on waffles. It is a better McGangbang than the McGangbang and dipping fries into a sundae.

I’d tell you to enjoy but I know there is no getting around it! Now off to greet my fave writer/director …

 

waffadele-burger-2

 

Waffadele Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1/2 cup mayonnaise
2 tbsp French dressing
1 tbsp sweet gherkin relish
1 onion, finely minced – ½ for the sauce, ½ for the burgers
1 tsp white vinegar
1 tsp sugar
½ tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp garlic powder
500g beef mince
salt and pepper, to taste
12 waffle *Spoiler alert* aka 12 waffles, I don’t mind if you buy … for now
cooking oil of your choosing
iceberg lettuce, roughly chopped
8 slices American cheese
pickles, thinly sliced

Method
Combine the mayo through garlic powder in a small bowl with a good season, stir and place in the fridge to chill.

Meanwhile squeeze out excess moisture (read: blood) from the mince and transfer to a bowl. Season generously, combine with your hands and shape into eight balls and flatten to make thin patties. Leave to rest while you heat up a large skillet over high heat.

While that is happening, start toasting the waffles in a toaster and transferring to a plate.

When the skillet is nice and hot, reduce heat to medium, brush with some cooking oil and cook the patties for a minute or two each side. Transfer to a plate and repeat until they are done.

To assemble, place a waffle on a plate, smear generously with special sauce, top with a pinch of the reserved chopped onion, add the lettuce, top with a slice of cheese and a pattie, followed by the centre waffle. Then smear with sauce, top with onion, lettuce, a few pickle slices, cheese – because I believe it needs two slices – the pattie and another waffle.

Push down, grab in one hand – if you can, Ads and I have big hands like Donald Trump, obvi – and devour.

 

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Philly Collins Cheesesteak

Main, Party Food, Snack

It was always going to be an awkward start to my peace feast with Phil, what with the viral infection injection thing. Oh, and the whole gag I sold to South Park about his obsession with his Oscar – FYI, that was totally true and I’m 30% sure he had it on him when he dropped by – and well, I can’t talk about everything else I’ve done to him due to the lingering lawsuits and payouts.

Just trust me when I say that Phil was on the receiving end of one of my top ten most vicious moments.

But then it wasn’t awkward, not even at all. Time apparently heals all wounds as Phil took me in his arms as soon as he walked into the house. I cried, he cried, then he sobbed, I pretended to sob to avoid it being awkward and then I apologised.

Literally two minutes in and my epic apology monologue – it rivalled Cersei’s revenge monologue for epicness – wasn’t even needed. Thankfully I’ve burnt a lot of bridges so I’ll be able to use it again, I’m sure.

Phil has been super busy since coming out … of retirement early last year, remastering his old albums, writing new material and planning a tour. Oh and he signed a book deal and will be releasing his autobiography in October … and when I heard that, everything became clear – he wants me to ghostwrite the book.

While I’m pretty pissed he expects me to plug it out in a mere matter of months, given the countless ways I ruined his life I really couldn’t say no. Plus, at least I can manage my image in the story, you know?

Either way, Phil got a ghostwriter, I got some undeserved forgiveness and we both rekindled our friendship over my famed – and his favourite – Philly Collins Cheesesteak.

 

philly-collins-cheesesteak-1

 

I’ve made no secret of my love for warm meat, slathered in creamy cheese … but these really get me salivating. I mean, tender slices of steak on a soft pillowy bun and cheese, my favourite, cheese – it doesn’t get any better. Oh yeah, it does – sweet onions, earthy mushrooms, hot mustard and peppers.

It really does get better – enjoy!

 

philly-collins-cheesesteak-2

 

Philly Collins Cheesesteak
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 hoagie rolls
6-12 slices provolone
1kg loin steaks, trimmed and sliced into thin strips
olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tbsp worcestershire sauce
hot english mustard

Sauteed mushrooms
2tbsp unsalted butter
500g button mushrooms, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Caramelised onions
2 tbsp unsalted butter
2 large brown onions, thinly sliced
salt and pepper, you guessed it – to taste!

Peppers aka capsicum
2 tbsp olive oil
1 green capsicum, thinly sliced
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
1/16 tbsps of salt and precisely 6.3g freshly ground black pepper, but seriously … to taste

Method
Place the steak in the freezer for about half an hour while you get to work on all of the other elements.

Start with the mushrooms and melt the butter in a frying pan over high heat until foamy. Reduce heat to medium, add the mushrooms and cook until they are soft, silky and browned.

Then move to the onions and start again by melting the butter over high heat until foamy. Reduce the heat, this time to low, and cook the onions slowly until they are soft and caramelised – about half an hour. Keep an eye on the onions, but move on to the peppers now, ok?

In another pan – how many pans do I expect you to own? Maybe decant the mushrooms to a dish and keep warm, wipe out the mushroom pan and heat, this time the oil, over high heat. Add the capsicums and stir-fry for a minute or so, or until they are soft and vibrant.

Now that they are sorted, remove the steak from the freezer and slice very thinly. Heat a griddle over high heat, brush with oil and cook for about a minute per side. Remove to a dish, pour over the worcestershire, season and keep warm.

Now for the fun to start – split the hoagies, butter generously (if you like heat) with hot english mustard, spoon in mushrooms, onions and peppers, top with the piping hot meat and layer with cheese. Hopefully your cheese will melt from the heat more than mine did, but hey it is cold for Brisbane at the moment.

Then, don’t think twice – devour.

 

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Coming back to me, against all odds

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

So I’ve been seeing a lot of buses promoting the upcoming Legend of Tarzan movie and in addition to being wildly aroused, it got me feeling all nostalgic about my dear frenemy Phil Collins.

While we started off as close friends after co-writing In the Air Tonight in ‘81, we haven’t spoken after a period of ugliness in the late 90s/early 00s – he deemed my contribution to You’ll Be in My Heart non-existent and had my name struck from the credit (losing me yet another Oscar) and in revenge I injected a virus into an ear causing him to become partially deaf.

Don’t worry, sadly the wonders of 00s medicine cured the deafness … so really, I don’t get why he chose to hold a grudge?

Anyway, if OITNB taught me anything it is that life is too short and knowing that I’ll be seeing a couple of hours of Skarsy’s naked torso in a matter of weeks, I decided to reach out and spread my preemptive joy with Phil, and finally end our feud.

Shockingly, he agreed to drop by!

What says sorry I tried to ruin your career and end your passion by making you deaf in revenge for removing my name from the credit of our Oscar winning song that I didn’t contribute to in the slightest?

Picture source: AP Photo/Alan Diaz.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Chillian AnderCon Queso Dip

Condiment, Dip, Party Food, Snack

Full disclosure, I have never seen an episode of The X-Files.

Yes, I spent a lot of time on the set due to my friendship and subsequent affair with David Duchovny and to gather intel for the script of the porn parody I was working on, which was obviously called The Sex-Files.

Despite being quite busy being … occupied by David and my research, I was able to connect with the delightful, elegant and downright badass Gillian Anderson.

Gills and I connected over our shared Chicago heritage – she was born there, I inspired the role of Velma Kelly – and she quickly took me under her wing, I assume to “fix” me. Clearly she didn’t know who she was dealing with!

Either way, I continued to be an obnoxious, hyper-sexual, alcoholic, junky, felon and G loved me, either in spite of or because of my flaws.

G has been very busy lately, what with The X-Files reboot, her creepy turn in Hannibal and starring in the critically acclaimed The Fall, which she won’t let me near. Yes, Jamie Dornan does have a restraining order out against me, but I know that if she just got me close enough I’d be able to explain why I was caught rubbing his hair while he slept. I mean, it was only the one time after all.

Obvs I would then get a role as Christian’s lover in 50 Shades of Gay … which is what he will demand the sequels become to celebrate both our love and our kinks.

Anyway, it has been ages since we last caught up so I made sure I blocked out some time in her calendar months ago so that we could reconnect and I could work on the Jamie sitch, and nothing says reconnection quite like a big ol’ bowl of Chillian AnderCon Queso Dip.

 

chillian-andercon-queso-dip-1

 

I make no secret of my unbridled love of cheese: cottage, gouda, roquefort, camembert, pamesan, feta, dick, cheddar, philly, swiss – you name it, I’ll gobbleeat it. Add my other fave, chilli, and you’ve got a warm, thick white liquid that you want to take straight in the mouth … on a chip, right?

Either way, enjoy!

 

chillian-andercon-queso-dip-2

 

Chillian AnderCon Queso Dip
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
225g vintage cheddar cheese
125g colby cheese
100g queso quesadilla
340g  cream cheese
3 fresh tomatoes, chopped
6 spring onions, finely chopped
6 jalapeños, chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced
½ cup fresh coriander, chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Melt cheeses together in a saucepan over low heat.

Stir in all other ingredients.

Devour, warm, with corn chips. Or even better, Tortéa Leoni Chips?

 

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Briocher Bünsberg

Baking, Side

While I miss, sorry, Osher’s beautiful 00s bouffant, he truly has aged like a fine wine.

As I mentioned, Osh and I first connected on the set of Australian Idol where, as you have come to expect, a torrid love affair began as he dabbled in some other areas of the sexuality spectrum. Alas, it did not last, but our close erotic bond blossomed into the beautiful friendship that has lasted the past decade.

Even when he was refusing to take me on the grounds of CBS while he was working with the dear Paula Abdul – I was the cat in Opposites Attract – as it was against the AVO Les Moonves had out against me, Oshie and I have never once fought.

Osh knew that I would be struggling with my rival pocket-gay Cunthony Callea returning to TV and was attentive as he was back during our romantic period. There were so many roses, candles and large, decorative cushions that you’d be forgiven for thinking that I was living in the Bitchelor Pad!

Don’t let the soothing, loved up atmosphere fool you – our catch-up was still firmly focused on aggressively bringing down the Callea and Geyer, to help Jo-Beth win and go on to host our planned reboot of Australia’s Funniest Home Videos.

All that scheming calls for something that will provide a lot of energy for a minimal amount of time, which is where my Briocher Bünsberg come into play.

 

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Fluffy, sweet and full of not-so-complex carbohydrates, the buns provided us with just enough sustenance to scheme which being distracting.

Enjoy!

 

briocher-bünsberg-2

 

Briocher Bünsberg
Makes: 8 buns.

Ingredients
275g soft butter, diced
550g plain flour, plus extra for dusting
60g caster sugar
7g sachet dried yeast
90ml milk, heated slightly to 37°C(ish)
7 eggs
1 tbsp sesame seeds

Method
Combine the flour and caster sugar in a large bowl of a stand mixer with a dough hook.

Dissolve the yeast in the milk, and combine with the flour mixture along with 6 of the eggs. Mix at medium speed for roughly 15 minutes, until smooth and elastic. Add the butter, piece by piece, and mix until it’s totally incorporated into the dough.

Lightly oil a large bowl to turn the dough into and cover with a damp cloth and prove until doubled in size.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Knock back the dough, then using wet hands roll it into 6-8 balls. The dough is pretty sticky so if rolling the balls doesn’t work, stretch and tuck the dough back under itself. Place the buns on the prepared baking tray, leaving enough room in between to allow them to prove until they are doubled in size.

Lightly beat the remaining egg and brush over the dough, sprinkle with sesame seeds and bake for 20 for buns.

Remove from oven, cool and devour.

 

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Idol worship

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

As a promising singer in Australia during the early naughties, it goes without saying that I dipped my toe in the Australian Idol waters. While I was disqualified and edited out of the program for sending Mark Holden death threats for refusing to give me a touchdown after my rendition of Don’t Cry Out Loud, I developed a very close relationship with Andrew G.

Sorry Osher Günsberg.

With two of my music-scene nemeses / fellow Idol alums heading into the jungle for I’m Barely a Celebrity, I thought I should give Oshie a buzz to catch-up and hate-watch while plotting ways to turn the public against them and ensuring our dear little JB Taylor comes out victorious.

What can I serve to power our dastardly plotting?

Picture source: Channel V.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Rolled Dahl Turkey Filos

Main, Poultry

Damn I miss having Rolly in my life on the daily!

While I was going back to cheer myself up, I obviously felt the need to try and re-write history and convince him to change the character of Matilda to be a young ingenue called Ben. Mara Wilson would still have played the lead in the eventual film adaptation, going on to win the Oscar and rivaling Meryl Streep for accolades.

As you know, that is all still just my dream as Roald didn’t go for it.

Despite the sadness of parking my dream until another time travel jaunt, catching up with 1987 RoRo was such a treat. Yes, he was approaching the end of his life but the man still knew how to party.

We first met Roald while serving in World War II – he was in the Air Force, Annelie was performing in the British version of the USO Show titled the Bloody Bollocks Blimey War-Time Panto and I was working the streets, trying to help lonely soldiers make questionable choices.

Roald was first on the scene to break up a violent street brawl between Annelie and I and thanks to his calm, patient, loving nature took us in and helped us to heal our wounds, physical and emotional, and helped me turn my life around.

Read: I became a high class escort in the decade following the war – no more streets for me!

And yes, despite so many celebrities helping us turn our life around, it never seems to stick.

Before I whipped out the time machine, I took stock of the fridge and discovered an abundance of turkey, cranberry and pistachios which was serendipitous as they are the three key ingredients of our famed Rolled Dahl Turkey Filos.

 

rolled-dahl-turkey-filos-1

 

Turkey can be a daunting bird to approach, so consider this a gateway recipe until you’re ready to tackle Brian’s delight. The combination of stuffing-esque ingredients impart a delicate flavour to the meat while the filo casing helps lock in some moisture.

Talk about dream weaver – enjoy!

 

rolled-dahl-turkey-filos-2

 

Rolled Dahl Turkey Filos
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 turkey breasts, sliced in half
1 onion, finely diced
100g pancetta, rind removed and chopped
1 clove garlic, finely diced
1 tbsp sage, roughly chopped
100g dried cranberries, roughly chopped
50g pistachios, roughly chopped
50g brie, diced
sea salt
black pepper
375g filo

Method
Preheat oven to 170°C.

Combine the onion, pancetta, garlic, sage, cranberries, pistachio and brie in a large bowl with a generous whack of salt and pepper. Stir to combine.

After slicing the breasts you should have four pretty even (thick) slices of meat. Lay them out on a tray and separate the stuffing mixture into four equal portions and place in the middle of each – it will be pretty generous, but let’s be honest, the stuffing is the draw card here.

Working one at a time, roll the breast on top of itself to have a layer of turkey around a core of stuffing – not to sound patronising, but that makes sense right?

Anyway, grab two sheets of filo pastry and place a stuffed turkey roll in the middle of the filo towards one end. Roll the turkey over so the filo is wrapped around it, fold in each end and then wrap up the rest of the sheet of filo. Place on a lined baking tray and repeat the process until they are all done.

Brush with some olive oil and sprinkle with some leftover chopped sage, pistachio or brie – obviously I ran out and used parmesan. I love cheese, but I don’t think it worked.

Bake in the oven for 20-30 minutes or until they are golden and crisp.

Serve with some steamed broccolini or potato bake. Roald was in charge of sides for our catch-up and dropped the ball, sad.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Matilda and the Giant Chocolate Witches

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Welcome to 2016, ya’ll – we hope you all had a relaxing festive period doing whatever it is people that are not so well connected do!

Obviously, we spent our time hanging in St Bart’s with Portia, Ellen, Bieber-Peen, not-Alec’s daughter, Hairy Pyles and Kenny before returning to Australia to ring in the new year, emphasis on ring, at Byron with the wider Cyrus-Hemsworth clan.

While we had a wonderful couple of weeks – sadly sans cooking, so sorry no culinary evidence – tragedy struck when and Annelie and Miley were just being Miley and got into a serious accident while cage-fighting. Poor Miles lost 30cm of her tongue, while tragically Annelie was struck, quite literally, with a case of amnesia.

We believe her evil twin Ennelie may have rigged the cage to malfunction so that she could steal her identity, yet that hasn’t been confirmed. Those are the days of our lives, I guess …

Given the extensive nature of her injuries and the fact that she only remembers our pre-murdering friendship with Charles Manson (I do not want to break that news to her), she is on the bench while she recovers … or completes her Medicine degree, at which point I assume she can fix herself.

But through the tragedy, I will continue and potentially, and probably unlikely-ly, prosper.

That being said, I am feeling blue so thought it best to whip out the time-machine and go visit one of our dearly departed friends who has provided every person’s childhood with boundless joy – Roald Dahl!

I’ve got a shit tonne of leftovers in the fridge/freezer/pantry – what to make, what to make?

Picture source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.