Main

Chorizio Frittansky

Main, Party Food, Side, Snack

So yes, I find Mau to be one of my more attractive exes – and obviously, the most attractive Housewives’ husband – however the past is in the past and knowing that he and Kyle are so happy together, fills me with unending joy.

After Mau and I broke up in the 80s, we stayed in contact and when my dear friend Kyls – we met on the set of Halloween where I was Jamie Lee Curtis’ body double – was selling her home following her divorce, I recommended Mauricio sell the house and the rest, as they say, is history.

To put your mind even further at ease, I was Maid of Honour and Best Man at their wedding and their youngest Portia was named after me.

Portia is my middle name.

I haven’t caught up with Maurice in a while, given how busy he is with The Agency and on account of being unable to film RHOBH / in the general 90210 area due to the AVO Rinna and I have out on each other. Fun fact, the Amsterdam glass throwing incident was actually our fight and resulted in such violence they couldn’t air it, refilming it with dear Kim as Rin’s opponent.

Thankfully a connection like ours doesn’t need us to be in constant contact, to remain close and after catching up on how Kyle and the girls are – sadly they couldn’t make it … and even more sadlier (that is a word now, ok) he didn’t want to turn our bro-date into a pool party that would make Erika blush – we got down to talking shop and planning the expansion of The Agency to my prestigious hometown – and the inspiration of Porpoise Spit – Tweed Heads when devouring my Chorizio Frittansky.

 

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There is nothing I enjoy more than a hot, thick, spicy sausage – so obviously chorizos are my absolute favourite. Well, second favourite. Obviously.

Gently fried with a mix of onion, garlic and capsicum, and baked with some creamy potatoes and fresh basil in a light custard, you can’t go wrong. Enjoy!

 

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Chorizio Frittansky
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g cream delight potato, cut into 2cm pieces
2 chorizos, skin removed and broken up
1 onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
½ red capsicum, finely diced
handful fresh basil, finely chopped
1 roma tomato, sliced thinly
6 eggs
½ cup cream
100g feta, crumbled
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Cook the potato in a large pot of salted water for 5-10 minutes or until tender. Drain.

While the potatoes are getting hot, heat a large frying pan over medium heat and fry the chorizo, onion, garlic and capsicum until crisp and fragrant. Add the potatoes and basil, season generously, stir, remove from the heat and top with the sliced tomatoes.

Whisk the eggs and cream together, pour over the mixture, top with cheese and bake for 15-20 minutes, or until set.

Devour with crusty bread and your sexiest friend – a-MAY-zing!

 

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Tomato Soup Clarke

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Side, Snack, Soup, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, the tribe were paranoid after Nick pointed out the bleedingly obvious except for Kylie who blindly followed Brooke and Flick who got more cocky by the second and JL returned from her six week absence to win immunity before Kylie found her trust misplaced and herself out of the game.

To the joy of everyone, who did not miss her despite the fact she was a loving lapdog for the last 40 days.

Thankfully JL is making the most of her return and is reiterating what Kate and Nick said on their way out days ago – it is time to make a move and fight the power. Or something, I’m not getting my hopes up as the last six episodes have been about someone fighting the dominant alliance … only for nothing to happen.

The next day the unholy trinity met in the water for Flick and Brooke to strategise about getting rid of the boys while El did her thing and agreed with everything that was said. JL, meanwhile continued to make the most of her second chance and went to Kristie to turn the tide against the girls and actually play for herself. Then – wait for it – she approached Sue and Sam in front of everyone at camp, while Flick stared at her with more anger than my resting bitch face.

While I was hopeful that with Kylie gone the girls wouldn’t have a snitch, Matt took everything that JL had then told him – which was true and he knew it – back to Brooke. After such a triumphant episode yesterday, I’m back to hating him. Obviously this annoyed the girls and they set their sights on JL, but more importantly Brooke allowed El to tell the story and feel like she was contributing to life. Their arrogance then went overboard and I’m back to wishing for their downfalls, even though they’re the only people that have played consistently the entire game.

I’m looking at you, disappearing JL.

Finally JoJo arrived to give us some more ball action for a spitSunday roast. Sue was given the joy of sitting out of the reward and gambling for the win. Given one team had an ex-cricketer who is also experienced with my balls, she rightfully backed the winning team and got to reap the rewards of their hard work.

While the cool kids and Sue were enjoying their reward, JL got to work on wooing the sole cool kid left at camp, Flick, to consider booting Brooke, who let’s be honest will beat both her and El. The next day, JL was further on the outs with the girls now straight up ignoring her after Matt continued his assault on my sanity after telling the girls everything she had said to Flick while they were away on reward. Seriously Matt, your actions make me feel bipolar – stop.

We arrived at the next immunity challenge where the tribe had to stand on their toes and keep a block balanced between their head and a plank above – sounds boring, looks boring, genuinely difficult. Thankfully JL, the one most in need of immunity won the challenge meaning the girls had to find a new target heading into tribal.

The tribes returned to camp with the absolute shits due to JL’s victory before focusing on voting out their alliance member Matt, while JL and Sue took the time to talk smack about Matt and mock his game. Sadly, obviously, making him safe. Right on cue, the alliance then had a change of heart and decided, quite rightfully, that Sue was the next biggest threat and needed to go, and opted to split the vote between her and Kristie.

Matt then continued to show his mentalist abilities and pressed his alliance to split the vote, repeatedly, in front of Kristie … despite knowing that they were splitting the vote on her. Unless we later learn this was his move to save Kristie, this was moronic. Thankfully JL and Sue continued to show that they were the true brains, planning to throw their votes on Kristie in the hope that split happens and they can force her out of the game.

We finally made it to tribal for JoJo to put us out of our misery. Well JL actually did the job, when she opened tribal by reading Matt for absolute filth and then berated him in front of the entire tribe, impressing the jury and making him look like a dweeb.

Yes, I say dweeb now.

Wanting in on the action, JoJo then jumped on the bandwagon and started to help JL twist the knife in and rub his face in it. JLP, you beautiful bastard – finally your heavy handed approach to tribal is paying off. Flick then admitted she would need to flip to get to the end, then said she doesn’t want anyone to flip, then Sue jumped in and commenced reading the trio of girls, pointed out the entire pecking order and questioned their every refute. Thankfully Sam was still around to make no sense and not understand the game. Sadly his presence was to the detriment of Sue’s game, who made her way out of the game into my loving/frustrated arms.

I first met Sue while she was working in customs – she broke up my budgie smuggling ring and sent me to prison for a decade. Being kind, Sue responded to my prison letters and we developed a bond while she tried to help me get my life back on track.

Obviously that all occurred over a piping hot bowl of Tomato Soup Clarke, my prison weapon of choice.

 

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While I’m a huge fan of some Big Red, I’d always wanted to try making my own tomato soup and thankfully the warmth of Sue’s kitchen showed me the light and gave me the confidence to try. Warm, rich and everything Big Red isn’t, in the best way possible.

No shade to Big Red though, I love it and would be their spokesperson in a heartbeat. Enjoy!

 

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Tomato Soup Clark
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1.5kg Roma tomatoes, halved
pinch of raw caster sugar
olive oil
1 punnet of cherry tomatoes
50g unsalted butter
2 onions, roughly diced
2 carrots, roughly chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped, roughly
4 garlic cloves, bruised and chopped in half
400g can – chopped – tomatoes, how much do I love chopped things in this recipe
2 tbsp sundried tomato paste
2 bay leaves
small bunch of basil, leaves removed with some kept aside to garnish
4 cups vegetable stock
handful small buffalo mozzarella, torn

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

Place the Roma tomatoes, cut-side up, on a baking tray like they are going to sunbake in the oven, rather than die. Top with sugar, drizzle with oil and season with a good whack of salt and pepper before roasting for half an hour or so, or until softened and starting to caramelise.

Remove from the oven and add their children  – aka cherry tomatoes – to the tray and bake for a further 15 minutes to ensure you’ve wiped the entire family from existence. Remove from the oven and allow to cook.

While the tomato corpses are chilling, melt the butter over medium heat in a large pan with a good lug of olive oil. Cook the remaining vegetables for a couple of minutes, until softened. Stir through the canned tomatoes and paste before adding the bay leaves, basil, stock and cooked – read, dead – tomatoes.

Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for half an hour or until tender.

Remove from the heat and allow to cool slightly before blitzing. Once as smooth as Santana feat. Rob Thomas, return to the heat and cook  for a couple of minutes before adjusting the seasoning.

Generously serve amongst the bowls and top with the torn mozzarella and reserved basil. Devour.

 

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Gnokylie Evans

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main

Previously on Australian Survivor, the editors finally made Nick likeable again just in time for the ‘good guys’ to convince his alliance to slit his throat, while they – the people who have never seen an episode of Survivor – lived to see another day and fight the good fight.

Sam, you’re meant to be hot and I should forgive you, but you’re not and I’m now annoyed by you. Lee, you’re hot so I’ll suffer through this with you. Anyway, the editors have opted to return Matt to the realm of the likeable meaning he is likely out by the end of the episode.

After tribal, Kylie finally lost the last shred of respect I had for her while grovelling to the cool girls – who let’s admit are playing hard and deserve to win if they make it to the end – while Brooke continued to play low key, downplaying tribal and trying to move forward and throw the attention off her.

The next day JL returned to the tribe after a seven week absence to comfort Matt after he was told he was on the bottom the day before – how that is a bad thing, i’ll never know. Matt continued his assault on my heart though, making me even sadder that he is likely going home at the end of the episode. Right?

Flick then escorted Queen Sue down to the shore to wash the pans and convince her that the truth from Nick’s tribal, was a lie. While Sue clearly saw it was bullshit, she played along and adopted the Sandra Diaz-Twine strategy. While it isn’t as big of a move as the ads had us believe, it is a successful one.

Again, Sue. Queen. YAS.

Brooke and Flick then went for a walk – which I would mock given they were called out for being so close, however their competition doesn’t seem to be very aware of anything so what do they have to lose? – discussing the merits of cutting Matt or Kylie’s throats.

Queen Sue then stated the obvious to the tribe, saying that Nick finally made everyone extremely paranoid leading to another emotional Matt monologue, making me even more anxious for his safety.

The tribe then arrived at immunity where I was about to say JL had returned to the game, already forgetting she returned ten minutes ago.

As an aside, can we just reiterate that JoJo wears a tee to challenges but a button through at tribal? It is like my nephew dressing up for Christmas Day and I love it. Give him a side part, and I’ll buy this kid some Lego for being so adorable.

Anyway, there was a whole lot of balancing, suspended ladders and ball play, because this is Survivor and the challenges are legally required to seem smutty. After a tough battle, shockingly coming down to three women, JL proved skilled with her balls and won immunity while Matt, Sue, Flick and Lee were sent to exile islandbeach until tribal council.

While sending almost half the tribe away to exile makes it kind of redundant, we were treated to double the scrambling … so win for the audience?

Over on exile, they were offered the chance of finding a hidden immunity idol however listened to Flick – who is in charge and safe – to not look for it, before locking in the vote for Matt. Well, two of them at least. Meanwhile back at camp, Brooke pushed to lock in the vote for Kylie. While Kylie, obviously, believes Sue is going home. And Matt believes he is going home, heartbreak.

Thankfully we arrive at tribal council – where Nick was looking very skinny on the jury and Sam, I assume, kept cursing him in parseltongue for being a snake – where JoJo could ask some aggressively leading questions to clear up what is happening and to call out Flick’s cover. Kylie was loving Flick’s story that the majority was progressing together, while Sue tried to play the middle with a non-committal response and poor Matt was forced to rehash the fact that he just wants to be loved.

Is that too much to ask?

Kylie then went in hard on believing in the people she trusted meaning, obviously, she was the next person heading to the jury … thankfully saving Matt 2.0.

As you’ve probably guessed, I first connected with Kyls whilst completing basic training. Is that a fire fighting thing? I have no idea on account of being quickly fired, no pun intended, from the fire service for my debilitating drug habit.

While Kylie had zero game for the latter half of the season, she did take me under her wing while I was struggling, meaning I well and truly owed her a big batch of my Gnokylie Evans as she made her way to – shudder – the jury villa. #Pounderosa for life.

 

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Full disclosure, I hate – because I suck at it – making gnocchi. Hate, hate, hate-ity, hate. It probably has a lot to do with the fact I’ve burnt my hands every time I’ve attempted it because I forgot it is a long process and end up trying to form the dough with searing hot potato.

I bet you’re thinking, why the fuck did this guy think a food blog was a good idea? Relax – I can cook, sometimes, when I’m not making moronic choices.

Choices, you know?

Anyway, I trust Valli Little with my life – whether she knows it/me or not – so have used her gnocchi recipe and it works, without burning the skin from your hands if the instructions are followed. Enjoy!

 

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Gnokylie Evans
Serves: 6 normal people, 4 in my house.

Ingredients
1.5 kg floury potatoes, peeled and chopped into a generous dice (larger pieces, less water absorbed)
large pinch freshly grated nutmeg
2 eggs, beaten
350g plain flour, plus extra to dust
250g pancetta, roughly chopped
2 garlic cloves, chopped
500ml double cream
zest of a lemon
1 tsp chilli flakes, optional
1 cup frozen peas, defrosted and drained
shaved parmesan, to serve

Method
With that, place the potatoes in a pan of cold water – this is important – bring to the boil and cook until just tender. Drain the potatoes, return to the pan and cook over low heat, stirring, for a minute or two to ensure they are dry husks aka without moisture.

Allow to cool. Say it with me and remind me if you ever hear me mention gnocchi, allow to cool completely.

Pass through a ricer or mash aggressively until smooth and your rage sorted. Add a pinch of nutmeg, eggs, a pinch of salt and flour and gently bring together with your hands. Emphasis on gentle, the dough is like shortcrust pastry – you want to work it only as much as you need to.

Once it has come together, dust the bench and your hands with flour and take about a quarter of the dough, roll into a 1.5cm thick log. Slice into 2cm lengths, use the back of a fork to roll the gnocchi to give you the imprint – press the fork down into the length and pull towards you – and place on a floured baking sheet to rest. Repeat the process until all done and allow to rest for an hour or so.

Bring a large pot of salted water to the boil.

Meanwhile heat a large pot over high heat and fry the pancetta until crisp, add the garlic and cook for a minute. Reduce heat to low, stir through the cream, lemon, chilli (if you’re partaking) and cook for about five minutes. Add the peas and cook for a further minute or two. Turn off the pan but keep on the heat.

Cook the gnocchi in batches until they rise to the surface, remove with a slotted spoon to a colander and repeat until they’re done.

Once they’ve drained completely, stir through the creamy sauce and serve, generously topped with parmesan. Devour.

Also yes, the parmesan looks crap – the shop was out of shaved and I am lazy, ok shady ladies of the Drag Race Reddit?

 

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Karmaagi Takasushi

Main, Party Food, Poultry, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X

Previously on Survivor, Figgy was gettin’ jiggy and David was scared of literally everything, not least of all Figgy – I assume – before the Gen Xers took too many shortcuts in life and were sent to tribal council where poor Rachel Ako became the winner of the prestigious Francesca Hogi first boot award.

We arrived back at the hard-working shortcut taking Gen Xers where Chris delighted in tell us he was keeping David busy to avoid him becoming paranoid. Sadly for Chris, while keeping bust David started fire and found the first hidden immunity idol of the season – now trapped inside a coconut!

At the risk of sounding like Fabio 2.0 aka Taylor, how on earth did it even get in there? Nah gammin, relax guys, I saw the seam.

Speaking of Taylor, we checked in with the Millennials where the superior Tay-Tay and Figgy popped on their love goggles and made out, re-introducing us to the star of the season Michaela. After a killer confessional dropping truth bombs, Michaela then threw them straight under the bus much to the chagrin of Figgy. Do you think they know what chagrin means? Probs not.

Anyway, the freaks and geeks alliance were pretty pissed about the situation while #JayForPay wiped Romber from our collective memory by decreeing no couple has ever survived to the end. Aside from the lack of knowledge regarding Survivor history, Jay seems to know what he is doing and called out Taylor’s behaviour.

We finally checked in with my angel Ken, who will now be known as Kengel forevermore, who was rocking his tight, tight jocks in the ocean, making me as wet as he was. Then wait, seriously wait, THEN, Ken and David bonded and formed my favourite alliance of all time, named, coincidentally, after my favourite movie The Hottie and the Nottie.

Millennials Mari then explained the difference between TV and real life, which seems to be more of an issue for the professional gamer than other people. Thankfully Queen Michaela then returned to start fighting with Figgy – which sounds like an amazing TV show, Fighting with Figgy – while doing an amazing Matthew von Ertfelda impersonation with the axe.

Back on Gen X Ken and David recruited CeCe before Paul decided to continue in the tradition of Kaôh Rōng and have a medical emergency. Thankfully – well to all watching but David – Paul hadn’t had a heart attack and lives to see another day.

We then reconvened in the middle of a fucking reef for the next immunity challenge, can we just have the rest of the seasons set in Fiji for the killer cinematography and crystal clear water?

Can we also have Hannah sit out of every challenge to co-commentate with Probst?

Probst, “Chris ripping through the water.”

Hannah, “Michelle you’re ripping through the water too!”

Comedy gold! Anyway, the tribes continued looking for that ring – which I hope is a game Kengel is willing to play when he arrives at #Pounderosa – before Gen X, well technically just Kengel came from behind – you know where this aside would go – and won immunity, thrilling all but David who had his head in his hands.

Back at camp the millennials commenced scrambling, with Mari proving that she doesn’t have the greatest understanding of Survivor saying that Figgy would be blindside without even knowing.

Mari, the definition of a blindside is voting someone out without them knowing. This is a tautology.

Zeke then proclaimed his excitement to start booting people, meaning only one thing – we are in for a blindside despite the freaks and geeks locking the vote on Figgy with numbers to spare!

Adam and Zeke spilled the tea to Jay which was the catalyst for all hell breaking loose. Jay ran to Michelle and they showed impressive form clearing the air between Figgy and Michaela before pulling in the latter and Will to flip the vote on Mari.

Not one to rest on her laurels, Michelle continued her assault after arriving at tribal … where the millennials were completely in awe of the horror that is about to unfold in front of them. Mari was sad to be losing someone, Zeke was thrilled to be part of the game, Michaela spilled even more tea while Michelle continued to dominate, telling Hannah to change her vote to Mari without zero explanation. Hannah then teetered on the edge of a nervous breakdown, before having a conversation – not about puppies or butts as Mari said, but about booting Mari.

The tribe then voted where Hannah spent such a long time in the voting booth that Jeff had to peek around the corner to see if she had voted, as if he were watching Colby in the shower.

As the votes rolled in, my dear friend Mari indeed became the second boot and found herself in my arms at loser lodge to debrief over a plate of Karmaagi Takasushi. Obviously I know Mari through the pro-gaming scene, where I am really good at completing Mario themed games – and only Mario themed games – after reading the walkthroughs on nerd sites.

 

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Yes, Mari was salty – like nori fresh out of the ocean salty – after being voted out. As she explained at tribal, ended someone’s dream and being able to look into their eyes doing it is a lot tougher than through a screen like she is used to.

Now while it appears that my recipes may be as racially insensitive this season as the tribes that made a minority female their first boots, this and Korean BBQ worked with their names AND I find them delicious, so try and forgive the accidental, casual racism?

Plus, sushi is delicious, particularly karaage with some soothing cucumber or avocado and a hidden kick of wasabi. Enjoy!

 

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Karmaagi Takasushi
Serves: 8-10.

Ingredients
500g chicken thigh fillets, cut into a large dice
60ml soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
thumb sized piece of ginger, grated
pinch of sugar
½ cup potato or corn flour
pinch of salt
vegetable oil
2 cups sushi rice
¼ cup sushi vinegar
10 sheets nori
1 cucumber, halved lengthways, seeded and cut into matchsticks
1 avocado, halved and thinly sliced
Wasabi, to taste
kewpie mayo, to serve
pickled ginger, to serve

Method
Combine the chicken, soy, sake, ginger and sugar in a bowl. Stir well, cover with cling and place in the fridge to marinate for a couple of hours.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

While they are getting all snowboard and chill, combine the flour and salt in a bowl. Add the chicken, piece by piece using tongs and quickly toss them around to coat.

Heat a large skillet over high heat with a generous lug of vegetable oil. Once it is searingly hot, add a couple of pieces of chicken and seal the meat for a couple of minutes. Remove to a lined baking sheet and repeat the process until they are all done.

Pour over the remaining marinade and put in the oven to bake for 10-20 minutes until crisped and cooked through. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

Meanwhile, rinse the rice under cold water until it runs clear. Place the rice in a large saucepan with 3 cups of cold water and bring to the boil. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 15 minutes.

Remove from the heat and stand, covered, for five minutes.

Move the bowl to a large bowl and stir through the sushi vinegar and allow to cool.

Now, round up all the elements and, most importantly, a bamboo mat. Place the nori shiny side down on the bamboo mat and spread a thin layer of rice over the nori leaving a couple of centimetres clear at the end.

Add your fixins’, pieces of chicken, cucumber, avo, wasabi in whatever combination you like – I just put all four in all of mine.

Lift the edge of the bamboo mat closest to you and roll away, tightly. As you’re about to get to the end, brush the clear part of the nori with water before finishing rolling. Press the seam together and allow to rest while you repeat the process until it is all done.

Once they are done, slice into pieces – I went two-three per roll – with a wet knife.

Then, obviously, devour slathered in wasabi, kewpie mayo, pickled ginger and/or soy.

 

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Alanis Morecchiette

Main, Pasta

First connecting with Alanis in the early 90s truly was like winning the lottery, thankfully sans dying the next day.

It should really come as no surprise that I’m a dear friend of Dave Coulier – who I really should see sometime soon – after the extended period of time Annelie and I spent on the set of Full House.

Dave was dating Alanis at the time and introduced us to her, knowing that our musical ability would be a real help to her then fledgeling career. While they broke up soon after, we continued to work with Alanis and birthed her opus, Jagged Little Pill.

Fun fact, we even co-wrote You Oughta Know about Dave.

While there was a period of ugliness after she started dating the man who should have rightfully been mine, Ryan Reynolds, we found our way back together after they ended their engagement and have been close ever since. And before you even try to speculate, the police have never been able to prove I was involved in the stalking and threats that lead to their break-up.

Aside from helping me celebrate the milestone, Alanis wanted to drop by as she needed to reconnect with her muse – me – to help produce her next album. While I have been really busy, I knew that taking the time to reconnect was all that we would need to start the journey to create more beautiful music together.

The Alanis Morecchiette also provided a whole lot of inspiration, obviously.

 

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Despite orecchiette making me feel like I’m sitting down to a meal with Mike Tyson or Van Gogh, there is a certain something about the texture of these babies that elevate them from a conchiglie. Obviously this is me being crazy, maybe it is the sauce – the spiced sausage, chilli, mustard, peppers and basil cut through the creamy wine sauce to give you a comforting meal that packs a punch.

Enjoy!

 

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Alanis Morecchiette
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g orecchiette
600g spiced Italian sausages, meat removed from casings into small meatballs
2 cloves garlic, crushed
¾ cup white wine
3 tbsp wholegrain mustard
1 tsp chilli flakes
¾ cup double cream
1 cup basil, thinly sliced
zest of one lemon
¼ cup shaved parmesan

Method
Cook the paste in a large pot of salted water, as per packet instructions.

Heat a large pan over medium heat and fry the sausage, stirring, until browned, about five minutes. Add the garlic and cook for a further minute.

Add the wine and simmer for a couple of minutes, deglazing the pan. Add the mustard, chilli and cream, reduce the heat to low and simmer for a couple of minutes. Remove from the heat and stir through the basil, zest, parmesan and orecchiette. Serve, slathered in further parmesan and some additional basil.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Nick Iadanzipasto Platter

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, the minority alliance once again tried to overcome the supermajority, El won immunity and Kate put in a dominant tribal council performance before ultimately being eliminated as the final pre-jury player.

Can we agreed that losing the last four boots just plain sucked?

We opened back up with the three leaders – El, Brooke and Flick – irritated by Sam for stepping out of line at last night’s tribal before Nick tried to throw himself a pity party, annoying Sam and Lee further. The next day Nick continued to drown in his self-pity while Flick continued to stew in her rage. So yeah, they’re really fun this episode.

Thankfully Brooke was more rational and spoke to Sam – oh wait, she too is not over it – before the El comforted Nick who was now painting tribal council as a series of personal attacks.

After a brief and – at the risk of sounding out of character – sweet, genuine emotional display from Nick, we then arrived at a reward challenge involving a series of rings and pegging – no joke – for letters from home.

Despite squandering the lead for his team, Nick secured victory before Kristie and El gave up their reward for Matt and Flick respectively. Kristie made sense, given she is playing the middle to perfection … and considering the fact that she won her letter simply by backing the winning team but El’s selflessness seemed pointless as Flick would stick with her anyway.

The victors then arrive at their reward for a cup of tea and their love where Sam started out by sounding like he was reading for the first time ever, Matt was endearing, Flick sweet, Kylie heartwarming, Lee babin’ / heartbreakin’ and Nick – again, shudder – genuine.

Guess I’ll keep waiting for that damn blindside, right?

They then joined the losers where Matt pledged to stick by Kristie due to her kindness – well played Kristie. Nick then approached Lee to sort through their issues, finishing with Lee apologising, while Nick then confronted Sam who seemed less into buying what Nick was selling.

Finally we made our way to the much touted record breaking challenge, made famous by Ozzy Lusth, where they all had to hold onto a big pole. Seriously, are they just trying to win me over with challenges with smutty connotations?

Anyway after almost six hours on the pole, Brooke bartered with JoJo for her letter from home before stepping off and giving Kylie immunity … sending Nick into panic mode.

They returned to camp where Brooke took the opportunity to read her letter, giving off a hint of a winner edit … meaning I’ve now claimed a winner edit for most of the people left in the game meaning I should be correct, once. Maybe.

After the brief emotional interlude, the scrambling began with Nick telling Matt and Kylie to split the vote between Sue and Kristie, while Sam again lead the charge to get rid of Nick before confusing everyone with who would be throwing votes on Sue in case of an idol.

The tribe then arrived at tribal confused as to what their plans were before JoJo made Brooke feel awkward for proclaiming she was 90% safe, then Matt offered up that he was feeling 99% confident making Nick paranoid enough to call out his closest allies before Sam once again started laying into Nick … and then Nick commenced echoing Kate, calling out the alliance and outlining the hierarchy. Like Kate, it was all for nought as Nick was booted from the tribe to become the first member of the jury.

Now I know I have been hard on Nick these last couple of weeks but he is actually a dear, dear friend of mine after we met at university where – you guessed it – I was running a scam as a lecturer. Fun fact, my teaching methods actually inspired the character of Mr G.

Nick could see through my scam and worked with me to sort out my life. He is a really great guy and despite being labelled a snake on the show, he couldn’t be sweeter – he was playing hard and it was easier for people to label him as a villain to get ahead.

While he was disappointed to exit the game, making the jury was more than enough for him to get down celebrating over a big Nick Iadanzipasto Platter.

 

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Less a recipe and more of a guide, an antipasto should be packed full of delicious meats, cheeses and vegetables that you love, eaten greedily with a generous glass of wine.

Or bottle. Enjoy!

 

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Nick Iadanzipasto Platter
Serves: 4-6, greed dependent.

Ingredients
buffalo mozzarella balls, torn in chunks
sliced prosciutto
jarred – not judgement – roasted artichokes, drained
sundried tomatoes, drained
chargrilled peppers, drained
mixed olives
cherry tomatoes, quartered
fresh basil, leaves picked
clove garlic, cut in half
ciabatta, sliced
chilli flakes

Method
Place the ingredients around the board based on your preferred aesthetic, sprinkle with the basil leaves and chilli.

Toast the ciabatta, rub with the cut garlic and drizzle with oil.

Add the toast to the board and devour. Or you know, just devour.

 

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Stuffed Kate Campbell Peppers

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, the tribes merged forming the new Fia Fia tribe before Brooke dominated at the first individual immunity challenge and Sue told her fellow minority members that they’d be safe if they stuck together. They then all literally voted for a different person and Conner went home.

We opened back up with Flick and Brooke feeling confident after tribal thanks to being in the mega-majority of nine – let’s hope you’re on the right side within that group … and the group within that one, girls – while Kate and Sue were rightfully feeling screwed.

To quote Keith Nale, maybe you should have stuck to the plan and Kylie/Sam may have switched?

The next day the tribe opted to undertake some camp renovations, I assume to eat into the audience of their rival – the terrible – The Block.

Either way, sweet Kate then cornered Kylie and tried to commence a good old fashioned battle between good and evil, deciding that the key to her safety was pulling in the kind, good sports. Yeah it could be boring, but wouldn’t another Nick blindside be delightful?

To help thicken the plot, Brooke and Flick dragged El into their confidence as they plotted the downfall of the minority. Just putting it out there, 9 vs. 3 shouldn’t really call for this much plotting. While Kate continued her fight, going to Sam and Lee and became a less arrogant version of Spencer and drew out the hierarchy in the sand in the hope they’ll buy that they are at the bottom and will flip.

Sorry, where was I? I just said Sam, Lee, bottom and flip, and now I’m distracted.

Anyway, we were then treated to a delightful display of gender stereotyping while the girls primped and preened before Sam and Lee finally started earning their keep and got to work wooing Kristie to their side to blindside Nick. Meanwhile out in the water Nick, Flick, JL and Brooke continued plotting to get out Kate. Though is it plotting if that is the plan every time we check in? I guess it takes time to get to your entire alliance when it is most of the tribe.

Finally JoJo arrived for the next immunity challenge to change the narrative. While it is good that it is about balls, it looks really difficult and has a menacing sound and is making me anxious. After a surprisingly long and gripping challenge – shit, am I Probst? – El continued the female dominance, taking out the ball challenge over a former professional cricketer.

Back at camp, shit started to hit the fan in earnest with the majority applauding El’s immunity win before they quickly locked in their votes on Kate and Sue while Sam’s winner edit finally kicked in as he worked hard to axe Nick and take control of his own game.

Then Kylie happened and spilled all to Brooke … who ran to Flick, turning the girls against Sam. While I truly want Nick out, that is a surprisingly good move on Kylie’s part. The girls then confronted Sam – changing their mind from earlier – before storming away from the conversation as they headed out to tribal.

JoJo had barely started to question the castaways before all hell started to break loose with Flick calling out the scrambling, Kate calling out the majority, Kylie trying to diffuse the situation and Kate taking a leaf out of Ciera’s book, calling out the majority and telling the passive players to start playing the game … before ultimately calling out Nick. Then Sam jumped on board, calling Nick a snake, Nick was passive aggressive about people being pious while Lee started groaning and was over the drama.

After all the drama, Kate had a shit eating grin as they headed out to vote however after everyone laid into Nick, he played his idol and guaranteed that is was Kate going out of the game and just missing the jury.

I’ve known Kate for years – as you can probably guess, I was involved in the boating accident so can’t really talk about the early days of our friendship – and she has always had such a wonderful attitude and never gives up. Despite not getting to experience the joy of making the jury – like a young, female Andrew Savage – she did get to experience my Stuffed Kate Campbell Peppers, and that was a win for her.

 

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Spicy, sweet and hearty – these babies are everything you need to eat through the pain of just missing the final stage of the game.

Enjoy!

 

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Stuffed Kate Campbell Peppers
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 large red capsicums
extra virgin olive oil
1 onion, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, crushed
500g lean beef mince
1 tbsp dried oregano
1 tbsp chilli flakes
2 tsp cumin
½ cup fresh parsley, roughly chopped
½ cup fresh mint, roughly chopped
400g can chopped tomatoes
½ cup long grain white rice
200g feta, crumbled

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Cut the tops off the capsicums – reserving for later – and remove the seeds and membrane, and stand on a baking paper-lined baking dish.

Heat a good lug of oil in a large frying pan, add the onion and cook, stirring, until softened – about five minutes. Add the garlic and cook for a minute or so and it is nice and fragrant.

Add the mince and cook for five minutes, breaking up with a wooden spoon as you go. Add the herbs, tomato, rice, ½ cup of cold water and a good whack of salt and pepper. Bring to the boil, reduce to low and simmer for 5 minutes or until the sauce starts to thicken. Remove from heat and stir through the feta.

Divide the mixture between capsicums, top with the capsicum lids, drizzle with oil and bake for 45 minutes or until capsicums have softened and skins start to get rich and blistered.

 

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Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Poultry, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor – yes, I have to stipulate that now – Vavau neared extinction after the tribes absorbed resulting in major casualties in sweet, angel Craig and Aganoan goddess Phoebe.

We opened up right on schedule with the melancholic Vavau tribe, now down to three comparing their level of skeletal-ness. I literally can not pick a winner of this competition though.

Thankfully the tribes convened for what they thought was their next challenge where the Vavauns were surprised to discover they’ve been saved from themselves as the tribes actually merged and were treated to the Survivor Auction.

Conner walked away with the first two items, blowing all his money in the process, Sam bought some mediocre looking nachos, Brooke got a very cheap bath – why did no one bid against her? – while Lee got the ultimate prize – an advantage – for only $80, before Nick paid $440 for a covered item … which also turned out to be an advantage in the game.

The tribe arrived at their new camp, the former Vavau tribe, which made the old Saanapuans wistful for their days of opulence over at their camp. Instead they were stuck in the Survivor slums which Kristie and Phoebe attempted to burn to the ground but a week ago.

They immediately got to work scrambling as one tribe, with Flick leading the charge against Conner while Sue rallied the counter alliance to topple Saanapu. I’m not sure who should tell them the immunity challenge hadn’t even occurred yet?

Lee then disappeared to the well to discover his advantage, which is to block someone voting at tribal council.

Nick then disappeared to the well, at a different time, where he discovered he paid $360 more than Lee for an idol clue rather than a guaranteed advantage. Thankfully he found the idol … however sadly it was just after being sprung by Lee who is now wary of him.

The dominant alliance then found a pink piece of cloth and decided friendship bracelets were the best way to highlight the pecking order before they arrived at their first individual immunity challenge.

Sadly I was not competing as I would have dominated, I’ve never met someone that grips a pole quite like me!

After what seemed like an eternity, the poles got wet and slippery – according to JoJo, I didn’t actually see rain and think he was just feeling inspired by Probsty – before Kylie’s memory lapsed and Brooke took out immunity.

We returned to camp for the actual scrambling where we were reintroduced to Flick who seems to struggle with pronunciation before Nick got to work over-explaining a vote split, Sam worked his way into my good books by trying to turn it on Nick and Sue got to work dominating with a plan to screw Nick’s split vote.

The tribe – oh did I mention they called themselves Fia Fia? They did – arrived at tribal with me quite confused as to what would happen. Flick was confident, Nick was quietly confident and Conner was trying his best to throw the target on to someone else.

Anyone.

JoJo then opted to call out the friendship bracelets and attempted to throw them all under the bus as we headed into the vote, however poor Conner ran out of luck and found himself voted out.

While I’m sad that Sue’s plan didn’t come to fruition just for Nick’s tantrum alone, Conner was a legitimate threat and made sense however telling him how much of a scrappy underdog he was, isn’t what he wanted to hear as he stepped out of the game.

I’ve recently been teaching law in Canberra which is where I connected with Conner – seriously, why universities continue to hire me is beyond puzzling. As you can tell from the game, Conner is perceptive and could pick up on the fact I was not a qualified lawyer or professor. Despite this, his kind heart got in the way and we started a friendship despite his better judgement.

Thankfully for him though, that friendship meant I knew exactly what he needed as he exited the game – his favourite, my Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune.

 

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Hearty, warm, spicy and soothing – this dish is the epitome of comfort food while also packing a punch. Delicate saffron, a kick of cumin and the tart olives? Enjoy!

 

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Arroz Conner Pollo Bethune
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
½ cup white wine, or as much as your drinking allows
pinch of saffron threads
6 chicken thighs fillets, diced
1 onion, finely diced
5 garlic cloves, minced
salt and pepper
olive oil
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground sweet paprika
400g can diced tomatoes
1 tbsp tomato paste
2 dried bay leaves
1 ½ cups short-grain rice
3 cups chicken stock, plus more if needed
1 cup pitted green olives, rinsed and drained
½ cup chargrilled capsicum, drained and roughly chopped
¼ cup parsley, roughly chopped

Method
Combine the wine and saffron in a bowl and allow to steep.

Heat a good lug of oil in a large dutch oven over medium heat and add the onion and garlic and sweat for a couple of minutes before adding the chicken with a good whack of salt and pepper and cook until browned.

Reduce the heat to low and add the tinned tomatoes and paste and cook stirring for a minute. Add the wine/saffron and bay leaves and cook until reduced slightly, about five-ten minutes.

Stir in the rice and stock, bring to a simmer, reduce the heat to low and cover, cooking for about half an hour stirring occasionally. Or until the liquid has all absorbed.

Remove from the heat, stir through the olives and capsicum and leave to stand for about ten minutes.

Then serve and devour.

 

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Rachel Akorean BBQ

Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X

Previously on Survivor – I know, isn’t this the premiere? – we were given the answer to the age old question, what could kaôh rōng? Specifically, kind of, for Aubry with the season resembling Game of Thrones and killing off three people, two of which were her closest allies. But that is another story from another time – seriously, click the link above if you want to hear about it – we’re off to Fiji for the battle of the ages.

A Survivor first … previously seen in both Panama and Nicaragua!

With that, we’re off. Then the game is off due to a cyclone and recommenced a day later before gen x learnt that taking both shortcuts – something they’d accuse the millennials of doing in real life – doesn’t work, heading to tribal and voting off the first of my competing friends.

Thankfully – spoiler alert – it wasn’t Ken, meaning he lives to see another day to inherit a blur in his tight, tight undies.

Jeff got to work making introductions, with high schooler Will admitting to the fact he was competing in addition to his homework, Paul described milk delivery as now the work of drones – not sure that is the case, but yay – and Michaela stole my heart by giving eye rolls that would make Sandra Diaz-Twine and Courtney Yates proud.

After an opportunity to scramble for supplies and making choices, old-Jessica grabbed an advantage in the game and Taylor opted to choke (I wish), sorry take, the chickens.

Jiffy then dropped the bomb that a large storm was expected in the coming days, scaring everyone shitless and warned them to build a shelter. Obviously the millennials then opted to go for a swim, rather than focus too hard on building a shelter as the aforementioned storm rolled in.

Thankfully Zeke spoke directly to my soul and admitted that being 28 but feeling 80 is a beautiful thing.

Over on gen x, Ken then started dominating like a boss given his experience living off the grid and old-Jessica introduced us to her Legacy Advantage which is vague, ominous and I’ll forget about it by the time she gets it.

Then Jeff sent them a love letter – which isn’t a good sign – to offer them a tarp for the cyclone. When it didn’t blow over, he visited and took them to share his hotel room with us to ride out the storm.

The tribes reconvened after the cyclone with the millennials rewarded for their previous lack of shelter by not having to rebuild, only build, before heading off to the immunity challenge, where – as I previously mentioned – gen x lost after taking all the shortcuts and my dear friend Rachel became the first person voted off the island.

Obviously I first met Rach while working for Heff, when she modelled for Playboy. I was immediately drawn to her intelligence and mentored her as writer, leading to her becoming a #1 Best Selling Author on Amazon.

Fun fact my mum rates me as the #1 Never Sold Non-Author in her heart. Same same.

Anyway, Rachel and I have been close for a long time and as such a knew that only my Rachael Akorean BBQ would be able to cheer her up.

 

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Like Rachel the BBQ is spicy and keeps it real. The delicately cooked – albeit haphazardly cut – meat is simple and delicious, the mushrooms sweet and the onion salad brings the kick. Combining to create a delicious meal leaving you wanting more, like we are left wanting more of Rachel on the island.

Enjoy!

 

rachel-akorean-bbq-2

 

Rachel Akorean BBQ
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ onion, thinly sliced
1 bunch shallots, cut into thin batons
1 tbsp chilli powder
1 tbsp caster sugar
1 tsp salt
½ tsp black pepper
1 tsp white vinegar
handful shiitake mushrooms, roughly chopped
⅓ cup tamari
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
600g(ish) piece of brisket
ssam sauce, to serve
vegetable oil, to grill
short grain rice, to serve – cooked per packet instructions

Method
Freeze the brisket until solid through, overnight is perfect – then allow to defrost for a couple of hours while you’re doing the salad and mushrooms.

Place the onions and shallots in a bowl of iced water and chill for about half an hour, or until the shallots are curled.

While they are chilling, combine the chilli, sugar, salt and pepper with a tablespoon of water in a medium bowl until the sugar is dissolved.

Drain the onion and shallots and transfer to a bowl with the chilli sauce, add the vinegar and season again to taste.

Meanwhile, add the mushrooms to a small saucepan over medium heat with the tamari and muscovado sugar. Cook stirring for 15 minutes or so, or until the mushrooms are soft, sweet and glossy.

Finally, get to work on the meat by slicing it as thinly as possible, a few millimetres maximum.

Heat a griddle over high heat, brush with oil and grill the meat until lightly cooked, a minute or so each side.

Serve together on a platter as a snack or with rice as a main.

 

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