Japharrell Cake

Full disclosure, I had zero idea why Pharrell was so burnt out and in need of a catch-up. I assumed being a Grammy Award winning, Academy Award nominee was enough to be exhausted?

Turns out, it wasn’t the entire story.

Pha-Pha, as I call him, arrived straight off the plane from LA late last night completely spent after a gruelling season on The Voice. After two hours of him explaining to me that he wasn’t talking about the Australian version and that I needed to put down the knife and relax, he fell into my arms, exhausted and looking for the comfort of a true friend.

I first met Pharrell ~~in the 1700s~~ in the 90s as a founding member of N*E*R*D. Despite being ejected from the band after it was discovered I thought it was a fetish dating site, Pha-Pha took me under his wing as his ~~immortal~~ business protege before I eventually became a muse. Fun fact, the drawing scene from Titanic was inspired by the moment I entered into his … muse-dom?

Needless to say, I’ve played a crucial part in all of Relly’s future successes and have been his go to person. I’m the Yang to his Grey, if that is still a thing – I don’t know, I gave up after Izzie cut the damn LVAD and Snow Patrol became a thing in the mainstream.

Also, is Snow Patrol a band or a barbershop quartet consisting of Mr Plow and the Plow King?

But I’ve digressed.

Rel dropped by after wrapping the US version of The Voice (produced by my dear pal Mark Burnett) where – I shit you not / *spoiler alert* – Curly Sue took the crown. Sadly his contestant, Hannah … Horvath (? – I assume it is a characters of fiction edition) could only snag third, despite a stellar finale performance.

Needless to say, he is a sensitive soul and was taking the loss very hard meaning the only thing that could cure his mood and turn his frown upside down, was my Japharrell Cake.

While Jaffas are the worst coated chocolate treat, this cake is off the hook. Maybe it is the inclusion of blood orange oil – rather than its generic sibling orange oil – but the moist, bitter chocolate cake combined with the tang of the citrus is something to behold. Plus, it melts in your mouth and quite literally, is dripping in ganache (if you’re too lazy to let it set/cool, like I am).

Enjoy!

Japharrell Cake
Serves: 1-12.

Ingredients
200ml blood orange oil
70g valrhona cocoa powder (sifted)
165ml boiling water
2 ½ tsp vanilla extract
200g almond meal
¾ tsp bicarbonate of soda
pinch of salt
265g caster sugar
4 large eggs

Ganache
225g dark chocolate, 70% solids or more
1 cup heavy cream
pinch of salt

Method
Preheat the oven to 170°C and grease a 20cm springform pan with some olive oil and the base with baking paper.

Place the cocoa powder in a small bowl and whisk with the boiling water until smooth. Add in the vanilla extract and leave to cool.

Combine the almond meal, bicarb and salt in a large bowl.

In the large bowl of an electric mixer, combine the sugar, oil and eggs and mix with the paddle attachment on high speed for about 5 minutes. Reduce the speed and pour in the cooled cocoa mixture. When combined, add the almond meal in slowly.

Scrape down the sides, pour the mixture into the pan and bake for 45 minutes or until the cake is set but with a nice moist centre.

Moist – I love that word.

When it is ready, allow to cool on a wire rack for about 10 minutes before removing the sides from the pan. Then leave to cool completely (unless you can’t like me).

While the cake is cooling, start on the ganache by bring the cream to the boil over medium heat. While the cream is getting all hot and bothered, break up the chocolate in a medium bowl.

When the cream is hot, pour it over the chocolate, add a pinch of salt and leave to stand for five minutes.

Five minutes later – and I mean that – whisk the cream and chocolate until combined and smooth. Allow to stand for a further 15 minutes, stirring ocassionally, before pouring over the cake and smoothing it out.

Obviously I didn’t wait for either to cool or set, resulting in the puddle cake … which was still delicious, FYI.

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Shannen Doughertynuts

Baking, Dessert, Donna Martin graduates, Party Food, Snack, Sweets

I know what you’re thinking, how do you celebrate Donna Martin’s graduation without Donna herself, Tor-Spell? A) We’ve caught up recently, b) she was busy walking her goat around the Hills and c) you can’t celebrate with the 90210 cast without a famed Don-Da book-end, and yes I mean emotionally and sexually.

You may also be concerned about the lack of Cataractis however in my defense, she is busy leading the Screen Actor’s Guild – we’ll catch-up again soon (I need to find a way to sucker her into getting my membership reinstated).

So despite mentioning I met Helen Hunt on the set of Twister, that is wrong / a bald-faced lie. I had a job working as SJP’s assistant (after meeting on Annie) on Girls Just Wanna Have Fun but connected with Shan over our extremely volatile tempers. She was feuding with Hells at the time, so I pretended not to know her when we “met” on the set of Twister.

Like me, Shan is a girl with a bad, angry, aggressive reputation … but deep down, she is human and she needs to be loved. And to me, she is just an absolute sweetheart! Given our rage blackouts we felt it was a no-brainer for us to join together to help each other through anger management.

After sorting out her rage in the mid-80s (despite what the tabloids and cast changes of Bev Hills and Charmed would have you believe), I introduced her to my #1 shopping buddy Winona Ryder leading to her role in Heathers. And then, obviously, 90210 – seriously Spelling estate, where is my cut of the cash money?

It has been a few of years since I last caught up with Shan, after we feuded over her appearing in my nemesis’ Ryan Murphy’s extended PSA The New Normal. Given that she was always – quite literally – caught in the middle of Annelie and my on-set brawls, Shan knew that this was bigger than our egos and accepted my olive branch in the hope of triggering her memory. Maybe her cancer – which I shamefully didn’t support her through – gave her some perspective on what is truly important.

While sadly Annelie is still suffering from her cage-fighting injuries, Shan and I really relished the opportunity to reconnect, plot some downfalls, get into a bar fight and honour the monumental pop culture event that was Donna Martin graduates!

And nothing says reconnected friendship / celebration like a Shannen Doughertynuts!

I’ve been very open about my fear of frying oil, so you know these babies are baked – but is that a crime? If it is, lock me up with a batch and throw away the key!

The dough is soft and fluffy, the cinnamon sugar delicious meaning these baked babies certainly hit all the right notes for a doughnut. All in all, these are the perfect way to celebrate Donna Martin graduates!

23 years later, congrats on the protest crew and Don, for graduating – enjoy!

Shannen Doughertynuts
Serves: 2 angry friends.

Ingredients
100g butter
¼ cup caster sugar
3 eggs
1 cup milk
½ tsp vanilla essence
3 ¼ cups plain flour
4 tsp baking powder
pinch of salt

Cinnamon sugar
1 cup caster sugar, extra
1 tbsp ground cinnamon

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

In a large bowl of an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar together until light, pale and fluffy. With the mixer still on, add the eggs, one at a time allowing to mix after each addition, and the milk and vanilla, mixing until combined. Still mixing, add in the baking powder and salt until just combined – it may look a bit curdled, but relax.

Remove from the mixture and fold in the flour until just combined. Do not overmix, ok? That is very important and you don’t want to upset Shannen or I!

Transfer batter into a piping bag and pipe into a doughnut pan. If you don’t have a pan you can try and pipe them into circles – they may not look perfect, but they’ll taste it! Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until golden and fluffy.

While they are baking, combine the extra sugar and cinnamon on a tray.

Remove the doughnuts from the oven, immediately toss in the cinnamon sugar and transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Repeat the process until the batter is done. Good luck not devouring them while you’re baking the rest. These are pretty amazing with Dulce de Nick Lachey too, FYI.

To Donna Martin and the student protest that saved her graduation!

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LasEnya

Baking, Main, Pasta

It has been a rough decade not having Enya in my life. Kind of like being on the trains, in the winter rains … but emotionally, not literally. You know?

Picture it, Middle Earth 2001. I had just gotten Enya the job writing a song for the first Lord of My Ring (that’s what I thought it was called when I, helped, Peter Jackson to secure her job).

I was working my way through the Elfen extras to try and claim the Holy Grail of Orlando, watering my bloom. Long story short, I mistook Ens for an elf, she was upset I stopped when I realised it was her and was distraught that once again, I missed Orlando. Mud was slinged, words were said and I had my name removed from the co-writing credit and was robbed of another Oscar nomination.

Angry and hurt, I toured the most reputable and rational Hollywood publications PerezHilton and TMZ spewing vitriol and campaigning heavily against her winning the Oscar. It worked and sadly cost me our friendship.

Until she called.

You see, like me, Ens had tried to stay up-to-date on how the other was doing and lament the state of our friendship. Seeing my current success (and likely sensing the future plaudits and film adaptation she could score), Ens reached out to bury the hatchet and thankfully she was serious when she assured me it wouldn’t be in my back.

Ens is such an absolute doll and it breaks my heart that we fought so viciously for such a long time. She dropped over at the top of the morning yesterday and despite some initial awkwardness as we apologised and each took the sole blame for our issues while secretly blaming the other for all of them, it was like nothing had changed for the relationship we had in the 70s while I mentored her to success.

We gabbed and gabbed for hours, discussing our mutual disgust for Bono and our hope to collaborate on the melancholic, Opera adaptation of my future hit musical Little Whorephan Andy. Thankfully I had a huge batch of my LasEnya as we were worn out from all the planning!

Lasagne is the ultimate comfort food – gooey cheese, rich sauce and a whack of herbs, it is life affirming, truly – and thankfully it is almost cold enough in Brisbane for me to pretend it is weather appropriate.

I mean, pasta? Amazing. Cheese? Even more amazing. Add in some pesto and hot damn you have a holy trinity of ingredients that instantly ends all feuds AND is a lovely shade of green for some cultural celebration.

Enjoy!

LasEnya
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
handful button mushrooms, finely sliced
1 onion, roughly diced
1 zucchini, grated
1 carrot, grated
1 stalk celery, finely sliced
3 garlic cloves, crushed
500g lean beef mince
700g bottle tomato passata
2 cups beef stock
250g dried instant lasagne sheets
1 ½ cup grated mozzarella
250g tub smooth ricotta
300ml thickened cream
2 eggs, lightly beaten
¼ cup Toni Basil pesto
fresh basil leaves, to garnish

Method
Heat the oil in a large pan over medium heat and cook the mushrooms, onion, zucchini, carrot, celery and garlic until very soft, about 10 minutes. Add the mince and break up with the back of a wooden spoon, as it browns. Stir in the stock, passata and a good whack of salt and pepper, bring to the boil and then reduce the heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes and starting to thicken.

Preheat oven to 160°C.

Spread 1 ½ cups of the mince mixture over the base of a deep 22x30cm baking dish. Top with ¼ of the lasagne sheets. Top with ⅓ of the remaining meat mixture and ⅓ mozzarella. Repeat layers twice more aka the remaining ⅔ of each, finishing with a layer of lasagne sheets.

Whisk the ricotta, cream, eggs and pesto together in a bowl, season and pour mixture over the lasagne.

Now this is important and I would normally completely ignore this step, but don’t be like me, be a winner; cover the baking dish with tented foil. Tented? You want the foil to cover the dish, but not come into direct contact with it and leave you with a deliciously crisped piece of foil cheese and a mutilated lasagne … but anyway.

Bake for 40 minutes. Un-tent and bake for a further 10 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Stand for 10 minutes and then serve. Again, don’t be a Ben – allow it to stand. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

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Cookiki Dee

Baking, Dessert, Sweets

I’ve always said that once you’ve forced someone to administer at home, self-designed electroshock therapy, you truly are bonded for life. Keeks, obvs, being my case-in-point.

After meeting as part of Dusty’s entourage, Kiki took me in and my gratitude lead to 96.7% of her successes. We left the back-up singer scene as I groomed her for greatness by acting as her image consultant, coining her stage name, writing her songs and giving her extensive albeit un-required vocal coaching (amongst many other tasks), leading to her signing by Motown records in the 70s.

Then Elton happened and they couldn’t break my heart, even if they tried.

At the time I was pioneering colonic procedures and Elton, who I had taken as a part-time lover / songwriting partner, after being hired to manage the percentage of sequin and sparkle on his clothing, was one of my first clients. Maybe he found a qualified technician and that caused our feud – who knows?

Either way, Elty begged me to introduce him to Keeks and allow him to take the male vocals of their hit duet Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart and, being cock whipped, did. Birthing the world’s greatest duet … behind Doll and Ken.

Keeks and I have lost touch a bit in the late 90s when I, and I’m sorry to say this, forgot she existed. Thankfully Singstar happened and we reconnected.

Keeks is thankfully doing great and is just as effervescent as she was when we first met – we even dueted on my roof top for my irate neighbours. At least we had some excess Cookiki Dees to throw out as a reward / use as weapons against any critics.

I have probably mentioned it before – and if I haven’t, I am very disappointed in myself – but I fucking love me some Milk Bar. It is somewhere that I would (and literally have) trudge through a blizzard to get to for a bagel bomb, cereal milk and crack pie. If you are within 50km – or whatever the equivalent in miles is – run, go there now and devour one of everything … EVERYTHING, in my honour.

As someone that worships at the altar of Christina Tosi and David Chang, I routinely try to emulate their creations with mediocre-at-best success to delicious success (see: Alexander Smarsbård Cake). These chocolate, pretzel and peanut delights, thankfully, fall toward the latter end of the spectrum; salty, milky and chewy … they are delicious.

And make me miss Elts – enjoy!

Cookiki Dee
Makes: 12-16.

Ingredients
225g unsalted butter, room temperature
1 ¼ cups raw caster sugar
⅔ cup packed muscovado sugar
1 large egg
½ tsp vanilla extract
1 ½ cups flour
1 ¼ tsp coarse salt
½ tsp baking powder
¼ tsp baking soda
⅔ cup mini chocolate chips
⅓ cup peanut butter chips
1 cup mini marshmallows

Pretzel peanut crunch
2 cups pretzels
1 cup peanuts, roughly chopped
⅓ cup milk powder
3 tbsp caster sugar
1 tsp coarse salt
130g butter, melted

Method
Preheat the oven to 135°C and get cracking on the crunch.

Place the pretzels in a medium bowl and crush with your hands until they are small 1cm-ish chunks, this is particularly great if you sit near a chatty Cathy, friendship-rapist at work and need to work through your rage.

Add the milk powder, sugar and salt and give a good toss to combine. Again, missing Elts right now. Stir through the butter until it comes together into crumbs.

Place cornflakes in a medium bowl. Using your hands, crush to one-quarter of their original size. Add peanuts, milk powder, sugar, and salt; toss to combine. Add butter and toss to form small clusters.

Spread the mixture in an even layer on a large, lined baking sheet and bake until the clusters are toasted, crisp and buttery, about 20 minutes. Remove from oven and leave to cool completely.

Once the clusters are cool, get to work creaming the butter and sugars in the large bowl of an electric mixer, using the paddle attachment, for about 3 minutes on medium-high speed. Scrape down the sides, add the egg and vanilla and return to medium-high speed for a further 8 minutes.

Yes, 8 … and it makes all the difference.

Once the butter is fluffy and glorious, turn the mixer off and add the flour, salt, bakings powder and soda. Remove the paddle and mix until it is combined enough not to go all over the kitchen.

Return the paddle to the mixer and turn on to the lowest setting, add the crunch, chocolate and peanut butter chips and marshmallows and mix until combined. About a minute.

Line a couple of large baking sheet with greaseproof paper. Using a ⅓ cup measuring … cup, portion the dough out onto prepared baking sheet, leaving about 10cm between each dollop. Pat the top of the dough flat, wrap tightly with cling and refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Trust me from experience/the photos, do not bake the cookies from room temperature or they will not hold their shape and you carve them out of the pan. Still delicious, but not as sexy.

Preheat oven to 190°C.

Once the dough has netflixed and chilled, transfer to the oven and bake until puffed, cracked, spread and lightly browned on the edges, about 18 minutes … but keep watch anywhere after 10, ok?

Remove from the oven and leave to cool completely on baking sheets. If you can.

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Peter Baklavenstos

Baking, Dessert, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng, Sweets

Running into an ex is always awkward, but when it is seeing the person that broke your heart after getting them on the show … after they were just voted out is kinda satisfying.

Scrap that, it is fucking glorious.

This week we started with Petey trying to woo Tai into his third showmance in six episodes while over on Chanloh, part-time model Debbie and her adonis Nick engaged in, what on the island was, the filthiest and most explicit romance since Ozzy and Amanda in Micronesia.

Love, however, isn’t what we watch for … it is all about Probst making a series of ball puns while people were bobbing for them during the reward challenge. Once again, Aubrey continued to be the challenge beast of the season.

Peter spent most of the episode putting a target on his back and being paranoid, before a block almost took out Biden at the challenge. Thankfully he wasn’t evacuated, giving Aubrey another chance to shine when she literally crossed out Julia’s name and changed her vote to Peter.

I don’t know if it was due to budget cuts or they are trying to be green, but I’m thankfully there are limited pieces of parchment for drama’s sake.

I first met Petey on the impersonating circuit where he, obviously, was a Time Square Obama and I was any misc-dark haired celebrity with curls, but was most often recognised as Fred Savage, Ray Martin or aggressive Andy Samberg.

Pete and I, again obviously, fell into a torrid love affair bathed amongst the lights of Bro-ad-way (right near where, I assume, Reed cheated on Josh). Our loving relationship was so strong, he convinced me to don blackface (to upset my nemesis Harry Connick Jr. – he always refused my advances/to whisper my name) and play the Michelle to his Barack.

Mich (who I am also friends with) loved the idea and thankfully deemed my arms perfect enough to play her … lucky I invented that workout system with her in 2014. I must look at releasing it soon, if only I paid Todd Tucker for his work filming it.

Anyway, when I found out Pete was officially going to be on Survivor I quickly tried to call Probst and try to help pre-game for my lover, but his attitude got in the way (I’m team Biden on the circuit, not on the island) and we sadly went our separate ways.

While you may assume that I would handle a break-up with expletives, lighter-fluid and booze, that wasn’t the case when I reconnected with Pete in loser lodge … probably as I was so smug to see him just before the merge, meaning my break-up, once again proves that Kat Mr. Edorsson is a genius – who wants to date someone that doesn’t make the merge?

Thankfully I am very mature and rational and was kind enough to whip ~~it out~~ him up a nice batch of my (usually post-coital) Peter Baklaventos.

Baklava, while time consuming, is one of the easiest sweets you can make but still looks impressive. Obviously this is my favourite kind of recipe – one that gives you the most bang for your buck … particularly if it is for a post bang meal.

Between the pastry, rosewater and sticky nuts dripping in a sweet, moist glaze … this is something you need to have in and around your mouth. ASAP.

Enjoy!

Peter Baklavenstos
Makes: About 24 pieces.

Ingredients
250 gm each pistachios and walnuts, finely chopped
100 gm caster sugar
3 tsp ground cinnamon
200 gm butter, coarsely chopped
500 gm filo pastry
Honey syrup
300 gm caster sugar
125 gm honey
1 lemon, finely grated rind and juice only
1 cinnamon quill
4 drops rosewater

Method
Combine nuts, sugar and cinnamon in a bowl and set aside. Melt butter over low heat in a small saucepan, set aside and keep warm. Brush a 24x34cm baking dish with butter. Cut filo sheets to fit tray snugly and cover with a damp tea towel.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Layer one-third of the filo pastry in tray, brushing butter between each layer. Yes this can be annoying and I generally avoid this set when making filo pies … but this is the one dish you kind of can’t avoid this step, sorry.

Spread half the nut mixture on top, repeat the process with the next third of filo, top with the remaining nuts and do the filo again. Once more, with feeling and refrigerate for about 20 minutes.

Remove from the fridge and cut the dish into 4cm diamonds with a sharp knife, making sure to get through all layers of filo and bake until golden and crisp, about 50 minutes. Cover loosely with foil if the top browns too quickly.

While in the oven, get onto the honey syrup by combining the sugar, honey, lemon rind, cinnamon and 300ml water in a saucepan over medium heat, stirring until the sugar dissolves. Reduce heat to low, simmer for 20 minutes and the flavours have gloriously steeped in the liquid. Remove from heat, strain and stir through the lemon juice and rosewater and set aside.

Cool baklava for about 5 minutes and pour the syrup evenly over the pastry. Set aside at room temperature to cool completely … if you can. Then go crazy and devour it.

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Banana Khait Muffins

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng, Sweets

Again, seriously?! I don’t know how I am going to pay off all my bookies – once again, one of my top winner picks heading into the season was sent to loser lodge (and I am looking to start another ponzi scheme). Poor Anna was dealt a dud hand in the swap and her tribe opted not to hold her but to fold her and let her run away into my arms.

It all started innocently with Obama capitalising on last week’s drama by opening up the Chan Loh trauma centre, lancing potential (and likely, judging from the rusty hook) future medivac Sexy Rudy’s finger, before my frosty dandy got his hand-ys on the hidden immunity before the aforementioned switch up.

After exiling poor Julia to hell beach, with nothing but Darnell’s brown-trout for company, the members of the new tribes jostled for position … or something – let’s be honest, all I heard was something about Obama’s low hanging fruit.

Yep.

I first met Anna a couple of years ago, when I hired her to be my poker coach. You see, I had created a strip-poker group with my celebrity crushes / hot friends and needed to learn to play to get them as naked as possible, as quickly as possible. Anna is an absolute card shark and after helping me find abs-olute pleasure with my friends, she was instantly welcomed to my inner circle.

Fun fact: I actually used time-travel to go back and co-write The Gambler with Kenny Rogers.

After the tribes convened to go fishing and witness a puzzle laying down for Debbie like a lover, a target was firmly set on Anna or Tai’s back … and since Tai has managed to take another island (non-puzzle) lover, Anna was royal flushed from the tribe.

She was very hurt to have made her way to loser lodge this soon but was thrilled to be able to help me make money off the rest of the pre-merge boots in a high stakes game of Cambrodian Fame Hungry Poker (it is aggressive, sexual and involves also winning the opportunity to be Tai’s next bro-mance).

She was even more thrilled to see my Banana Khait Muffins, which I used as currency to pay her when I was her student … which inspired the old rapping meatball lady from my hit movie The Wedding Singer.

Banana muffins are quite possibly the easiest thing to make but since I originally used these as currency, I had to dress them up a bit so caramelised the bananas first and added some nuts … because who doesn’t love a bit of caramel and nut action to up the stakes? The caramel gives you sticky pockets of goodness that leave your stomach feeling like it’s got a very satisfied full house. Or black jack, probably.

Enjoy!

Banana Khait Muffins
Serves: 8-12.

Ingredients
200g caster sugar
1 tbsp sea salt
2 bananas, sliced
½ cup walnuts, chopped
350g plain flour
3 tsp baking powder
½ tsp bicarbonate of soda
½ tsp ground cinnamon
135ml grapeseed oil
3 eggs, lightly beaten
100g natural yoghurt

Method
Preheat oven to 170°C, fan-forced.

Pour the sugar into a very clean, medium-sized frying pan over medium heat and leave to melt until a caramel begins to firm. As hypocritical as I may sound, don’t stir it … be patient and let it gloriously melt by itself. Once it is molten, add the salt, banana and walnuts, stirring until they are coated.

Place the dry ingredients in one bowl and the wet … ingredients in the other. Add the caramel/banana mix to your wet ingredients (saving a teaspoon of caramel for each muffin to drizzle on top after they are baked, if you want).

Stir the wet ingredients into the dry until just combined, making sure you avoid overworking it. A) if you do, it makes them dense and b) why put in my effort than you have to?

Spoon the mixture into lined muffin pans and bake for 40 minutes. Cool and drizzle with reserved caramel, if you didn’t eat it while they were baking … which full disclosure, I did.

What can I say, Probst makes me hungry!

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns

Baking, Side, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

Call it what you will – brain snap, brain fart, complete mental collapse, non-mental giantism – but that doesn’t matter, all that does is that my dear, dear friend Jennifer Lanzetti had one and was swiftly sent packing.

As you could probably guess, Jenny and I first crossed paths many years ago while both of us were drug addicts. While she credits me with getting her addicted, I am very thankful to be able to credit her with getting me sober … well, one of the times at least.

After the first episode, Jen had set herself up well, squarely in the majority of the Luzon 2.0 / Matsing 3.0 tribe however proceeded to shoot herself in the foot and get herself sent into my loving arms at loser lodge. As much as I love Jen, I am glad that my almost sister and mental giant, Alecia Holden lived to see another day.

Maybe she sacrificed something to the embryos of fire on the beach?

While this week didn’t involve any worms trying to get intimate with brains (not the brains), the trees did get their revenge on Tai for last week by slashing his legs open. Lucky he had his dreamy pal, who can also walk on water, Caleb to make him feel good.

But that was all filler, the brawn tribe once again lost a hardcore physical challenge, I assume as a protest to the BvBvB concept while highlighting the fact that they are smarter than given credit for, and made their way back to my lover Jeff in the tribal council village (oh if the walls of those villas could talk).

Once there, Jen proceeded to shoot herself in the foot, face and knee-cap … repeatedly, like the creep my lover Paul Bettany played in The Da Vinci Code (our sex-tape – he was in character – inspired EL James to turn it into the straight-washed disaster known as 50 Shades).

With that, this tribal council marked the second time a grave-digger has made an epic blunder, leading to their departure. And once again, our marker-confused, mental giant, embryo helper lives to fight another day.

Who knows what that worm did to her brain – did it eat part of it? Was it trying to take her as a lover, like a puzzle laying down for Debbie? Was it telling her that my Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns were waiting for her in Ponderosa? That is the only thing that makes any sort of sense.

These buns are like crack. I don’t know whether it the cheese, all the herbs or the pillowy dough, but these are good. Real good.

Fun fact: you actually missed the part of tribal where she offered to take off her clothes for the buns, to give her motivation to stay. It failed, but at least I had them waiting for her in Loser Lodge.

Enjoy!

Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns
Makes: 16.

Ingredients
Dough
3 ½ cups plain flour
2 tsp coarse salt
¼ cup warm water
3 tbsp caster sugar
2 ¼ tsp active dry yeast
6 large eggs, room temperature
1 tsp lemon zest
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
3 tbsp sage, finely chopped
1 tbsp thyme, finely chopped
170g unsalted butter, room temperature, cut into 6 pieces

Baking
85g unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup Parmesan, grated
½ cup flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
20ml thyme, chopped
1 tsp lemon zest
½ tsp freshly ground pepper

Method
Dough
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour and salt. In the bowl of a mixer, combine warm water, sugar, and yeast and leave stand to get all foamy and frothy, about five minutes.

Add eggs, zest, garlic, herbs and flour mixture to the foamy yeast mixture and beat with a dough hook on medium-high speed until dough pulls away from sides of bowl, about 5 minutes.

Beat in butter, one piece at a time, while beating until fully combined and dough is shiny and smooth, about 5 minutes more. Cover with cling wrap and leave to prove, like Alecia with the fire, until doubled in size, about 1 hour.

Place in the fridge for an hour, punch down and return to the fridge for another hour.

Baking
In a bowl, combine everything but the butter.

Split the dough in half. Roll one of them out on a lightly floured surface into a large rectangle, about 30x15cm. Spread half the butter over dough, leaving a slight border, and sprinkle with half of cheese mixture, pressing it into the butter. Starting on a long side, roll the dough up to form a cylindrical shape and cut into eight equal disks. Place the disks on a lined baking sheet. Repeat the process with the remaining dough, cheese and butter – you know, all the remaining stuff.

Cover all of the rolls with cling wrap and leave to rise in a warm spot until doubled in bulk, about an hour or two.

Preheat oven to 190°C.

When the oven is at temperature, place the rolls in the oven and bake until golden brown, about 20 minutes.

Remove from oven and allow to cool slightly and then devour. They are glorious warm.

* Recipe adapted from Martha Stewart.

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Briocher Bünsberg

Baking, Side

While I miss, sorry, Osher’s beautiful 00s bouffant, he truly has aged like a fine wine.

As I mentioned, Osh and I first connected on the set of Australian Idol where, as you have come to expect, a torrid love affair began as he dabbled in some other areas of the sexuality spectrum. Alas, it did not last, but our close erotic bond blossomed into the beautiful friendship that has lasted the past decade.

Even when he was refusing to take me on the grounds of CBS while he was working with the dear Paula Abdul – I was the cat in Opposites Attract – as it was against the AVO Les Moonves had out against me, Oshie and I have never once fought.

Osh knew that I would be struggling with my rival pocket-gay Cunthony Callea returning to TV and was attentive as he was back during our romantic period. There were so many roses, candles and large, decorative cushions that you’d be forgiven for thinking that I was living in the Bitchelor Pad!

Don’t let the soothing, loved up atmosphere fool you – our catch-up was still firmly focused on aggressively bringing down the Callea and Geyer, to help Jo-Beth win and go on to host our planned reboot of Australia’s Funniest Home Videos.

All that scheming calls for something that will provide a lot of energy for a minimal amount of time, which is where my Briocher Bünsberg come into play.

Fluffy, sweet and full of not-so-complex carbohydrates, the buns provided us with just enough sustenance to scheme which being distracting.

Enjoy!

Briocher Bünsberg
Makes: 8 buns.

Ingredients
275g soft butter, diced
550g plain flour, plus extra for dusting
60g caster sugar
7g sachet dried yeast
90ml milk, heated slightly to 37°C(ish)
7 eggs
1 tbsp sesame seeds

Method
Combine the flour and caster sugar in a large bowl of a stand mixer with a dough hook.

Dissolve the yeast in the milk, and combine with the flour mixture along with 6 of the eggs. Mix at medium speed for roughly 15 minutes, until smooth and elastic. Add the butter, piece by piece, and mix until it’s totally incorporated into the dough.

Lightly oil a large bowl to turn the dough into and cover with a damp cloth and prove until doubled in size.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Knock back the dough, then using wet hands roll it into 6-8 balls. The dough is pretty sticky so if rolling the balls doesn’t work, stretch and tuck the dough back under itself. Place the buns on the prepared baking tray, leaving enough room in between to allow them to prove until they are doubled in size.

Lightly beat the remaining egg and brush over the dough, sprinkle with sesame seeds and bake for 20 for buns.

Remove from oven, cool and devour.

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Cakelyn Jenner

Cake, Dessert, Keeping it Kardashian Khristmas, Sweets

Whether you want to admit it or not, our dear friend Caitlyn Jenner has had a monumental year since coming out as transgender and working towards being the activist she needs to be, given the role would be thrown at her anyway.

We first met Cait in an Olympic training camp in the mid 70s when Annelie was trying to perfect the correct amount of steroids for me to win discus, without being caught. It worked and Annelie went on to provide supplements to Lance Armstrong, but that is another story for another time.

Our bond with Cait was instant and while she was disappointed in our actions, our wit, charm and aggressive sexuality was too much and a four decade friendship was formed.

Cait first told us she was transgender about 18 months ago when we caught up during a fleeting visit to Malibu to egg Yolanda Foster’s house. We were so happy that she felt comfortable enough to share her truth with us and surprisingly, we didn’t run straight to the paps with the information.

Since then, we’ve acted as a trusting, tender ear while Cait has endured the ups and downs of the media scrutiny in the lead up to her interview with Diane Sawyer and were heavily involved in deciding on the now iconic Vanity Fair cover.

Such a stellar year, made Cait deserving of our highest honour, to be the final pre-Christmas hiatus recipe. We like to call it our Cakelyn Jenner.

While you would assume such a landmark year would call for a showy, decadent, Christmas dessert, we wanted the Cakelyn to be a reminder of the true essence of Cait’s year. It was honest and simple; she is a woman, finally able to live as the person she is and that calls for a nice classic sponge.

Enjoy!

Cakelyn Jenner
Serves: 8

Ingredients
200g self-raising flour
225g salted butter
175g castor sugar
1 tsp baking powder
4 eggs
1/4 cup milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
300ml thickened cream
Seeds from 1 vanilla bean
½ cup raspberry jam

Method
Preheat oven to 175°C.

Grease, flour and line 2 x 8″ cake pans.

Beat butter and sugar together until pale and creamy. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add vanilla extract and milk and combine.

Sift flour and baking powder into wet ingredients mixture. Gently fold together until just combined. Divide between prepared pans.

Bake for 20-25 minutes or until cakes are risen and spring back when touched. Allow to cool on a wire rack.

Once cakes are completely cool, whip cream to stiff peaks and stir through vanilla seeds.

Spread one half of cake with jam. Top with cream and then other cake. Serve immediately.

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Pistashaio Fox Cake

Cake, Dessert, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance, Sweets

It has been a struggle watching our frenemy Tasha Fox survive tribal council after tribal council this season.

Unfortunately, we have a checkered history with Tasha. After Andrew Keegan dragged us into the Danny Tanner Full Circle cult, we were forced to recruit new members. Naturally, we looked toward other cult-like organisations and deep within the trenches of one, we found our Tasha.

Tasha took on the Full Circle identity of Kimmy Gibbler – and was truly Kimmy in every sense. Her grating personality and all-round irritable presence made her such a perfect Kimmy she eventually replaced us as Krishna the parrot’s guardian. Not cool Tasha/Kimmy Gibbler!

Although Full Circle was eventually exposed and disbanded, our deep hatred of Tasha was enduring. That said, to see her receive a golden goose egg of votes has made me want to give her some comfort and try to reignite what was once a glorious friendship. After all, we did kind of ruin her life with that whole cult thing.

What says ‘I’m sorry’ and simultaneously ‘you still annoy the living turdcakes out of me’?

The Pistashaio Fox Cake is the perfect way to make amends with an old frenemy. The heavenly thick chocolate ganache can literally gloss over the oldest of friendship wounds.

Pistashaio Fox Cake
Serves: 16

Ingredients
1 cup plain flour
1/2 cup pistachio meal
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 tablespoons instant coffee
2 eggs
3/4 cup caster sugar
1/4 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup boiling water
1/3 cup cocoa powder
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
200g dark chocolate
1/2 cup thickened cream
80g shelled, halved pistachios

Method
Preheat oven to 180C. Grease a rectangular cake tin.

In a large bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda, pistachio meal, sugar and cocoa powder. Add eggs, milk, water, oil, vanilla and coffee and stir until combined.

Pour into prepared tin (batter will be quite thin) and bake for 30-35 minutes or until risen and cooked through. Allow to cool.

To ice, cut chocolate into very fine slithers and place in heat-proof bowl. Gently heat cream in a small saucepan until just scalded. Pour cream over chocolate slithers and leave to sit for five minutes.

After five minutes, stir until ganache is smooth. Pour over cake and top with pistachios. Refrigerate until ganache is set.

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

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