Third Boot

Mojitony Deane

Drink, Survivor NZ: Nicaragua, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor New Zealand, Shay flipped on her alliance for the second time, at her second tribal, sending a well pissed Tony to redemption island. The next day those not in purgatory competed in their first reward challenge, where Mogoton continued their losing streak. Meanwhile on redemption, Tony made quick work of the duel sending my queen Hannah out of the game.

We opened up back at Mogoton where Sala and Lou spoke about what went down at the duel and his threats for Shay’s blood, scaring the shit out of Shay. Given that he was out for blood though, I get it. Meanwhile Georgia and Shannon decided it was best to keep the juicy intel from the rest of the Hermosa helping Shannon in her quest to be my new queen.

Oh and Tony was still calling for blood on redemption … while sharpening a knife. I thought he was sweet, but that’s some scary shit.

Hermosa sat down to the first of their two meals for the day, confusing Nate and Barb who couldn’t understand why they’d bother eating twice a day for four days when they’re barely a week into a 40 day competition. Sadly though, they’re screwed if they ever lose a challenge.

Back at Mogoton Izzy got to work whipping up a sand cake in honour of Sala’s daughter’s birthday. I was going to throw some serious shade about the cake until seeing how it touched Sala … which in turn touched me. You got lucky, Izzy!

We returned to Hermosa where Lee’s hair was looking fucking stunning. THEN he decided to go fishing in short shorts. Ladies and gentleman, I think we have a winner of my heart! There was then a lot of poo talk which made me and my nieces and nephews thrilled – if they watched – though it ended up backfiring on Jak, with Barb sick of his attempted humour.

Over at Mogoton Lou and Avi went for a walk to talk strategy, planning to keep stringing Tom along to pull in the numbers with Sala, begging the question how does Shay flip if she isn’t a part of the majority?

Matty Boy – is that a nickname? More importantly, is he worthy of one – arrived to lord of the immunity challenge where tribe members had to square off against someone from the other tribe by holding themselves up between two walls on small footholds.

Lee’s hair continued to look glorious, though I also started to realise that Tom is also pretty banging. Did I mention no one dropped out on the first two footholds? Because they didn’t. Avi was the first to drop not long after transitioning to the thinnest foothold, followed by Lee – with a hairflick, swoon. Izzy hit the deck not long after, which is the best thing to say with a kiwi accent. After a lengthy struggle Tom gave out leaving poor Lou to battle it out for her tribe solo. Despite some excitement with Shannon falling out and it starting to rain – which made Mike also look banging, the water glistening over his flexing muscles …

Oh and then poor Lou dropped, handing Hermosa immunity and giving Shay the opportunity to make a new alliance that she can flip on!

Back at camp, Hermosa were loving themselves sick, sitting under their tarp and gloating about their continuing winning streak. Thankfully nature threw Mogoton a bone and the rain stopped, though not after destroying poor Shay’s scriptures.

Lou, Izzy and Shay broke away from the boys to discuss the upcoming tribal where Shay continued to push for Tom, which is something neither Izzy or Lou seem keen on. Avi and Sala got together and vowed to vote Izzy, Tom dropped by and wasn’t keen to boot Izzy, instead wanting to get rid of Shay. Avi then went to talk to Lou and Shay, where the latter verbalised wanting to boot Tom putting Avi in a difficult position. Shay and Avi then went for a walk where Avi worked overtime to save Tom, which Shay still isn’t buying into.

Avi delivered the news to Tom, who was disappointed that it was coming down to him and Izzy, though not disappointed enough to get her, Avi and Lou to get rid of Shay. As they prepared for their date with Matt, Izzy gave a last ditch plea to Avi after he announced that they would be voting her out. After Izzy was clearly upset by Avi’s news, Tom got to work on the obvious solution and went to the girls to join he and Avi to boot Shay, completing the circle of confusion before heading off to tribal.

At tribal Shay and Avi spoke about being disappointed by their losses, though not defeated. Tom then gave a great read on the situation over at Hermosa, low-key proving he is an asset and a huge threat going into the merge. Lou outlined that she trusted everyone while Izzy announced that she was pretty confident that she would be getting the boot.

Sadly for her she was correct, sending her to redemption island to stew in her rage with Tony. Thankfully Tony welcomed her with open arms, not shocking Tony since Shay is obviously the wicked witch of the west. That being said, I assume he was just happy to have some company given his monologue after she arrived.

Back at camp Mogoton continued to feel sorry for themselves, except for Tom who was only saved by Shay’s last minute flipping. I KID YOU NOT!

The next day Hermosa were still riding on the high of their victories, already losing the ability to count the number of days despite eating two meals a day. Jak and Mike pulled Shannon, Lee and Georgia aside to discuss throwing the next immunity challenge to get rid of Barb or Nate, breaking my heart in the process. Thankfully though Shannon continued to be the likeable voice of reason, with her countering the fact that while throwing a challenge is a bad idea, Nate will flip on them in a heartbeat and it sadly makes sense. Barb however noticed that Shannon had dropped she and Nate, leaving the olds desperate to fight for the next immunity.

Over at Mogoton, Tom and Avi ran through their option to call out Matt and get him to rotate the sit-outs on Hermosa to give them a shot. Obviously that lead into the next reward challenge where Hermosa were shocked to discover that Izzy was the one voted out at the last tribal.

The challenge is one of my faves for smutty puns, where one member of each tribe has to pitch their balls for the rest of their tribe to catch. Balls, pitching and catching – what more could a guy ask for? Sala and Shay got Mogoton out to an early lead, taking three balls before Hermosa even took one … surprisingly caught by Jak. Sala got another, Lee and his torn apart shorts got in on the action before Sala proved the most skilled with balls, snagging Mogoton with their first challenge victory of the season.

Back at camp Hermosa weren’t taking the end of their losing streak very well, with Mike quick to point out that Nate was absolutely useless in the challenge. Mike and Georgia discussed how best to ration their food, vowing to cut down tomorrow like literally every person on a diet.

It was a different story over at Mogoton where everyone looked happy for the first time in nine days. To add insult to Hermosa’s injuries, Georgia’s fears were confirmed with Mogoton gloating about how much food they have remaining … without even taking into account the huge fishing kit they just won in the reward challenge. That night Lou announced that she had sliced her foot on a rock the day earlier and that it was already looking nasty and infected, which is never a good thing on Survivor.

The next day they put their fishing net to good use, catching a fish for everyone and adding to their insane food haul. Lou however couldn’t care less, with her infection making her feel lethargic and sick.

Over at Hermosa, Georgia and Mike were desperately scouring the beach for anything that looked remotely edible. While they found some dragon fruit, which they were able to make into a sweet smoothie with rice. Jak however was not having a bar of it, despite the fact that it looked like Nate and Barb weren’t given the opportunity to eat anything and he could have offered it to them.

At redemption island, Izzy and Tony were having a chat as they packed their bags … and by that, Tony spoke at Izzy while she sat in silence wishing the duel would arrive and grant her silence or allow her to make a break for freedom out of the game. Thankfully for her, Matt arrived for the duel where they were each tethered to a rope wrapped around two wooden obstacles.

Before they got to work, Tony continued to use his words – a lot of words – while attacking Shay. On the flipside, Izzy couldn’t be bothered dwelling on her post-boot anger and instead focused on the duel. She got out to an early lead and despite Tony’s best attempts to catch-up, he wasn’t able to make up the ground giving Izzy the victory and sending Tony out of the game as the third boot.

While he was super disappointed to be out of the game, he was thrilled to have someone to talk to. Given my passion for rambling however I wasn’t so sure, so quickly whipped up a cheeky Mojitony Deane.

 

 

Now I’m normally not a huge fan of anything rum but this baby is so tropical and refreshing, I just can’t go past it.

Plus, let’s be honest, I’d suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick … so enjoy?

 

 

Mojitony Deane
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
½ fresh lime, cut into four wedges
a couple of fresh mint leaves
a pinch of raw caster sugar
2 shots white rum
cubed ice
soda water, to top

Method
Place the lime, mint and sugar in the bottom of a highball and briefly muddle.

Top with the rum, ice and top up with the soda water.

Give a quick swizzle and down.

 

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Calabneh Reynolds

Condiment, Dip, Side, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Jeff told us that twenty of the biggest game changers in Survivor history returned including the man who almost died for salt and pepper, the man who was cursed out weekly at redemption island and a man who lost the game but walked away with money from Sia.

Talk about game changers!

Amongst the excitement of their returns, actual legend Queen Sandra Diaz-Twine got off to an aggressive start and silenced many of her doubters by surviving the first two tribal councils … send fellow actual game changers Ciera “BIG MOVEZ, she-voted-out-her-mom” Eastin and Tony Vlachos out of the game as the first and second boots.

Concerned that Malcolm’s return is lessening his standing in my heart, Jiffy Pop didn’t waste time with showing us the post-tribal vibe at the rapidly vanishing Mana and called the tribes out to the beach, acting all coy. Given his subtle hinting, Zeke quickly surmised that a swap was afoot.

With that, three new tribes were formed where Troyzan and J.T. were royally screwed as the solo members of their old tribes on their new tribes. I mean, sure Hali and Caleb were also screwed on new Mana … but they got lucky being classed as game changers in the first place, so I figure it is on their side.

Over on new Nuku, Malcolm and Varner were thrilled to be moving on up to a camp filled with chickens, goats, tools, decorative home furnishings and an easy boot in J.T.

Knowing that he is fucked with a capital fuck-you-Brad Culpepper, J.T. did what any rational person would do in that situation and lured everyone out into the middle of the ocean, swam back to the beach and searched for an idol. I assume the idol was plan B, plan A being that they would just float away and reappear years later. Maybe?

Meanwhile at new Mana, fuck-you-Brad Culpepper answered the question of who up-cycled the excess objects from the marooning and got to work rectifying the lack of camp decor – dare I say it winning me over in the process – while Hali and Caleb proved they’d be terrible at faking orgasms, barely mustering a smile as they talked about how much they preferred their new tribe.

Not falling for it Brad pulled Tai aside to discuss who to get out first where Tai immediately tried to protect his part-time lover Caleb, throwing the target on to Debbie … while Brad continued his growth arc and identified that despite his strength, Caleb needed to be the first to go to break up the Kaôh Rōng four and continue the decimation of OG Mana.

We finally checked in with the new tribe, Tavua, where Zeke was thrilled that Troyzan gave them an easy target while Ozzy decided it was time to put his 115 days playing Survivor to good use and lead the tribe as they started over.

Not feeling as safe as she appeared, Cirie approached Ozzy to make sure the air was still clear from the time she blindsided him 9 years ago. On the flipside, Troyzan was feeling as screwed as he appeared – despite Andrea’s claims that he wasn’t – but thankfully had a tiny shred of luck and found the clue to the hidden immunity idol, which will be tucked under the table at the next immunity challenge.

The next day Sandra and J.T. ironically lead the charge to hunt the goats at new-Nuku – the literal ones, not the ones they wrangled on their way to their victories. J.T. and Malcolm quickly caught the cutest baby goat of all time and then its mother who couldn’t bare to leave its child. Despite Sandra’s desperate pleas to the otherwise, the tribe quickly realised that causing the Fijian version of Bambi was brutal and let them both go and agreed to kill one of Tai’s ex-chickens.

Hopefully not Monica.

Also, swoon Malcolm, swoon. That kind heart!

Almost like my lust for Malcolm manifests him, Jiffy Pop reappeared for the first threeway immunity challenge of the season. In addition to immunity, they were also playing for comfort or seasoning … so you know Caleb is going to go all out in this one.

Nuku got out to a quick lead, followed closely by Tavua. Despite catching up on the see-saw obstacle which broke Missy’s ankle in season 29 – talk about a game changing moment – Mana sadly continued their losing streak … now with new castaways!

Back at camp, Debbie and Tai pulled Sierra aside to discuss the vote where Tai continued his lack-of-understanding playing style and pointed out that he was very close with Caleb … very close. Conversely Sierra went for the play-it-with-half-a-brain, pointed out that she wasn’t close with Hali, despite playing together on Worlds Apart.

Which strategy will work in the long run?!

Brad continued his redemption edit, pulled Tai aside and seemed to convince Tai that voting out his closest ally and friend was the smartest move, leading to poor Tai feeling extremely confused as he arrived at tribal.

Jeff quickly got to work addressing the Kaôh Rōng elephant in the room where Debbie tried to distance herself from them, Tai was Tai and Caleb also tried to distance himself and point out they had a week in their original tribes and that loyalty may have taken over.

It quickly turned into the low-rent version of Tony vs. Sandra as Hali and Caleb started to throw the shade, Hali pointing out that she had less options in the tribe and wasn’t a threat, Caleb played up his athletic ability and said Hali was easy to manipulate as the game goes on … which is a good thing. Hali came out of her shell – a little bit – and threw it back in his face saying that his strong headedness and athletic ability makes him a threat.

Brad played the middle and said they both bring value to the tribe, Tai got game and said that he is taking a big picture approach and isn’t focussed on just the next challenge, Caleb mentioned Hali having relationships from OG Mana while he had none while Hali denied it and said she is looking to make relationships to carry her into the next stage of the game.

Yep – it was as confusing as always as they went to vote. Sadly for Caleb, his relationships on the current tribe were seen to be too threatening as he found his way out of the game on day nine … again. To semi-quote Abi-Maria, at least you didn’t almost die?

As you know, I’ve been friends with Caleb for years after he attended one of my USO shows so he was thrilled to be able to catch-up at Loser Lodge this time rather than hospital. I mean sure, he was disappointed to finally have his torch snuffed for the first time but he was thrilled to get a big old glob of my Calabneh Reynolds.

 

 

It is a truth universally acknowledged that cheese is the greatest thing to happen, ever. And this is probably the easiest one you could make. Creamy, soft and delicate, it is the perfect accompaniment to a platter, toast or just eaten with a spoon.

Enjoy!

 

 

Calabneh Reynolds
Serves: 1 first time torch snuffee … or 4-6?

Ingredients
½ tsp kosher salt
500ml Greek yoghurt
olive oil, to drizzle
zest of a lemon, optional
½ tsp chilli flakes, optional

Method
Line a sieve with a couple of layers of moist – fuck I love the word moist – cheesecloth, leaving enough overhanging to cover later.

Combine the salt and yoghurt, transfer to the lined sieve and cover with the extra cheesecloth. Place the sieve over a bowl and allow to rest/drain in the fridge overnight to 24 hours. The longer the whey drains, the thicker the cheese.

When ready to serve, transfer to a bowl and drizzle with oil, zest and chilli … the latter two being optional, though highly recommended.

Devour.

 

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Jenna Moussaka

Main, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands

Guys – it is less than two weeks until my girl Sandra returns for her third crown … or to at least block Tony and JT from equaling her record.

Not that I don’t have faith in her ability to snatch the crown again. Can you tell I’m excited for Survivor and Sandy’s return?

Given that my girl is an underrated goddess, despite her perfect game record, I felt it best to honour her third attempt by holding court with another underrated victor, my dear friend Jenna Morasca.

Like Sandy, I would defend Jen and her gameplay to the ends of the earth. Sure she ended Rob C’s hope of ever winning the game and feuded with a deaf person but she also stripped for peanut butter – who wouldn’t TBH – went on an immunity run and even gave away immunity without it sending her home.

Plus, she was sassy as fuck, gives a good sound bite and was probably the best appointed winner to make it far in All Stars hadn’t had to quit to be with her mother.

I first met Jen way back when we were both attending University of Pittsburgh studying zoology – I was going through a weird Brendan Fraser/George of the Jungle phase and thought that a knowledge of animals could help.

Given our sassy attitude and good looks we were immediately drawn to one another and became the best of friends. I was her Heidi before Heidi existed, basically. After my many run-ins with Burnett, I kept our friendship quiet as she auditioned which I would argue got her cast meaning I played an integral part in her victory.

We are such busy little bees that we haven’t been able to see as much of each other as we like, so it was such a treat to sit down, gab about the upcoming season and dreams for her eventual return.

Speaking of dreams, my Jenna Moussaka is most definitely one.

 

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Spicy, rich and creamy – this little baby is the ultimate comfort food. Plus, eggplant makes it healthy, so you barely have to feel guilty about the cheesy goodness clogging up your arteries.

Enjoy!

 

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Jenna Moussaka
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
a generous lug of olive oil
3 eggplants, cut into half centimetre discs
2 red capsicums, cored and halved
500g beef mince
500g lamb mince
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tbsp dried oregano
½ tsp ground cardamom
1 tsp chilli flakes
2 onions, finely chopped
4 garlic cloves, minced
800g tinned tomatoes
100g unsalted butter
75g plain flour
3 cups milk
120g parmesan, roughly grated

Method
Preheat the oven to 220˚C.

Place the eggplant discs on a wire rack, over a lined baking sheet, drizzle with olive oil and bake for about half an hour, or until crisp, charred and drying out. Add the capsicum for the last ten minutes to blister their skins.

Reduce oven to 160°C.

While they are cooking, heat a lug of oil in a large pan and cook the mince over medium heat, or until browned. Add the spices, oregano, onion and garlic and cook for a further few minutes. Meanwhile diced up the charred capsicum and add to the pan with the tomatoes. Bring to a simmer, reduce heat to low and cook, stirring occasionally, for about fifteen minutes. Season and allow to rest.

To make the bechamel, melt the butter in a large saucepan. Once foaming, add in the flour and cook until lightly browned and not resembling either butter or flour. Remove from the heat and slowly whisk in the milk until all combined. Return to the heat and cook for a minute or two, or until thickened. Remove from the heat, season and leave to rest.

To assemble, place a third of the meat mixture on the base of a large baking dish. Top with a third of the dried, charred eggplant and repeat the process until both are all gone. Pour over the bechamel, top with the cheese and bake for half an hour, or until golden and bubbly on top. Remove and allow to rest for five minutes before devouring.

 

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Paul Wachaprese Salad

Salad, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Ken continued to be a babe, formed what I’m hoping will become a formidable alliance, caught an octopus while scantily clad and then came from behind – sadly, not on – to singlehandedly win immunity for the Gen Xers … before Michelle and Jay briefly stepped in to completely flip the vote – leading to Hannah breaking the record for longest time taken to vote – and send Mari to loser lodge.

But let’s be honest, Ken. Babe. Heart-eyes emoji. Other stuff happened, who cares. No. Words.

Well actually, Michelle and Jay were seriously impressive. But Ken.

We quickly returned to the Millennials where Adam and Zeke congratulated the tribe on outsmarting them before Figgy commenced speaking in third person and Hannah decide to ignore Zeke and Adam’s pleas to the contrary and got in their face trying to explain why she flipped on them.

After continuing to harass them while they begged to be left alone, she tried to change the season’s theme to 50 Shades of Survivor, repeatedly begging to be used.

No joke, she shouted “I WANT YOU TO USE ME.”

Sometimes it writes itself.

Then next day we decided to check in with Gen X where Ken is somehow on the bottom – I mean yes, dream … but not in that way – with David and Cece despite being the sole provider of the tribe AND being completely hot. I mean, those baby blues!

Back with the kids we learnt that four members of each tribe would be joining together for a spot of jungle brunch to talk shop and hopefully spill the beans on tribal politics. Thankfully David and Cece hate their tribe so quickly threw Paul and his crew under the bus, positioning themselves and St Ken to align with the kids come switch or merge.

Another episode, another attractive man joining David’s harem.

The oldies returned to camp where poor Ken was filled in on his island nickname – Ken Doll – which brought up horrible memories of childhood, being referred to as a plastic eunuch. Which from watching him swim around, we know is far from the truth.

We finally arrived at the immunity challenge, giving me a break from my lecherous viewing, which was all about lugging heaving sacks around, draining them into a pit and the tossing them at a wall. So yeah, creeping was done but smutty innuendo is forever on Survivor.

More importantly, Survivor welcomed its first ever intruder to the game with Lucy joining the Gen X tribe … just before they lost their second immunity challenge.

Shhh.

Back at camp the Gen X tribe got to work scrambling, with Paul and his alliance locking in a vote for Cece while Kengel, Cece and David opted to target Paul. Then Paul told the females in his alliance that he would happily turn on the women in his alliance if the males came to him to form the very rare male alliance.

Sadly Paul was unable to bounce back from his blunder and was sent to loser lodge to reconnect with me for comfort. I mean, sure, he took his blindside like a champ … but not getting to watch Kengel wander around in his underwear anymore is a painful feeling.

Obviously I met rocker Paul during my groupie phase. Despite not ever bedding him personally, I was the band’s muse with my bonnet dancing inspiring them to greatness. And Tawny Kitaen’s moves in the best Whitesnake video aka the greatest music video of all time.

The only way either of us survived life on the road was by eating salad and only drinking clear liquids at breakfast, meaning we lived on my Paul Wachaprese Salad (and vodka but that isn’t necessary at the moment).

 

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While you could hardly call this recipe original, the beautiful way that the fresh tomatoes meld with the smooth mozzarella and sweet, fragrant basil is perfection and you don’t mess with perfection.

Like Ken, language and vinyl – enjoy!

 

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Paul Wachaprese Salad
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g ripe tomatoes, I prefer a mix of roma, normal (but seriously, what the fuck are they called) and cherry but any work – a mix is fun, roughly chopped
a couple of balls, good buffalo mozzarella, torn
a handful of basil, leaves picked
freshly ground salt and pepper
extra virgin olive oil

Method
Place the tomatoes, cheese and basil in a large bowl and toss together.

Season, add a lug of oil and toss again – gotta love a good toss.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Huevans Rancheros Jones

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Breakfast

Previously on Survivor, Des was grumpy and irritated his way out of hearts and the tribe, before Saanapu ended their reign and went to tribal where the intelligence officer lacked intel and became the first blindside/second boot of the season.

We opened up with the sad Saanapu’s and a burnt out fire, where Kween Kylie (trademark pending) was disappointed to be out of the loop after Pete – wanting to be the Osten Taylor of  – was kept in the game against his wishes.

Not to be outdone, Pete was also heartbroken to still be there but quoted Probst and said he would dig deep – queue Holly Hoffman redemption arc, hopefully, in two episodes time.

Aka Tuesday – talk about post-a-palooza this week.

Again, they opted to go with another of my Survivor wet dreams – the poisoned chalice idol clue which has led to the downfall of many – on the outs, Kylie and male-HH went with deceit, as did Aganoa, though they one-upped them by giving us the visual of a clue going into an underwear model’s jocks while Vavau also went with dishonesty but in a potentially intelligent manner, admitting there was a clue…but lying about it.

While nobody bought the poorly constructed rhyme that had Dr Seuss turning in his grave, I am sad I never came up with that option, to be honest. Well, if it had worked.

Let’s return to Rohan dropping the clue from his junk, which Mr G found without sniffing it for man musk, #epicfail. Despite the fizzle of the deceit, choices make drama so I’m still putting this down as a win.

Plus we found definitive proof that in the High School ecosystem that English teachers are better than drama teachers.

We returned to the Aganoa where Mr G ostracised El by showing her the junk clue, who they approached the mutineers straight away to discuss the issue. Being far more social, they easily won El back. At this point can we all just accept that drama teachers are really difficult people to deal with? Thanks.

At this point I also am concerned about the welfare of Kat and Kristie. Are they safe? Are they still in the game? Did I black out and miss a week in which they were booted back to back? BRING BACK MY GIRLS!

And just as it came to me, lil Jojo listened to my plea and gave a proof of life of Kat and Kristie at the reward challenge where Vavau dominated the competition and the missing girls returned to a camp without luxury. Will the Resort Report spokesmodel survive the indignity? Hopefully.

We quickly checked in with our victors where Craig sadly commenced his pride cometh before the fall edit. While I assume they are good tonight, I’d back them going to tribal tomorrow and that has nothing to do with the fact I was on location during filming so literally know the entire outcome.

Anywho, we returned to Saanapu where Kween Kylie felt she proved her worth before the most sickening – not in a good way – stretch of television focusing on a phallocentric object ever filled.

I mean, the pus in that sea cucumber? Foul.

Meanwhile in Aganoa – where Kat returned to the scene briefly to become this episode’s decoy boot before the immunity challenge where – despite a thrilling comeback – Aganoa were given their return papers to tribal council.

After a period of back and forth between Evan and Kat, Phoebe worked her way into my (now) dream final four by forming what I hope will become the Australian black widow brigade and sent Mr G to loser lodge.

I know I’ve been hard on Mr G but after meeting on opposing sides of the 2012 school spectacular challenge, friendship was never going to come easily for us. Thankfully I’m so kind and mature that I could still offer my frenemy a nice comforting Huevans Rancheros Jones to dull the pain of being the third boot.

 

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I oft speak of my love for food so spicy that my innards liquify and more importantly, I like a bit of spice to work through the copious amounts of alcohol I’ve been consuming in the crew villas. So obviously this delight really fits the bill by packing a punch – hot, spicy and all together soothing, it helps Evan work through his pain and me my burgeoning drinking problem. Enjoy!

 

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Huevans Rancheros Jones
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
200g dried chorizo, diced
1 onion, diced
1 yellow capsicum, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, minced
800g canned diced tomatoes
1 tbsp chopped chipotles in adobo
¼ cup coriander, roughly chopped
1 tsp salt
8 large eggs
8 tortillas
refried beans, obviously from a can as I didn’t have time to make any in my luxury digs
2 avocados, mashed
1 green chilli, sliced to garnish

Method
Heat a large frying pan over high heat and fry the chorizo for a few minutes. When the pan is full of beautifully smoky oil, add the onion, capsicum and garlic and fry for a further few minutes. Reduce the heat to medium, add the tomatoes and chipotles and bring to a simmer.

Crack the eggs into the tomato liquid, reduce heat to low, cover and simmer for 5-10 minutes or until the eggs are delicately poached.

While the eggs are cooking, heat the tortillas in the microwave, heat the refried beans in a small saucepan over low heat (or the microwave, whatever) and mash the avocados.

To serve, add a generous ladle of sauce with two eggs, top with beans, avocado, coriander and some chopped fresh chillis. To devour, scoop it all into a tortilla and revel in the spicy joy. You could add sour cream, which I always usually love, but wouldn’t you rather experience the full force of the heat?

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Liz Markham and Egg Pizza

Main, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

Previously on Survivor, Darnell’s aqua-dump required him to exit for a top-up of Darnell HamilWontons before Jenny listened to that little worm inside her head to join him and me at loser lodge for my famed Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns.

This episode saw a welcome return to Probst’s, and my, favourite thing – smutty innuendo. We first saw Tai shoving his hard stick into a tight hole to come up with a glorious pay off, then Jason pushed Blondie to work something up with Scot and do the same thing before a challenge requiring everyone to get wet and try and shove balls into holes too.

It got weird but we love that kinda thing so just roll with it.

Sixteen were left before Annelie and my prototype BethBot 3000 was voted out in a tribal council.

Following our mediocre success creating SpenBot in the 80s, Annelie and I attempted to upgrade our creation however we accidentally doubled up on her confidence and attitude, rather than emotions resulting in, essentially, Lady Spencer. BethBot3000 eventually overthrew her creators after we tried to correct our mistakes (“Beep boop, I am perfect. I need no change”) and, clearly, as a passive aggressive attack, opted to be referred to as Liz. I mean, how petty.

After the tigress Debbie, who is like that person you work with (and given her extensive work history we all probably have at some point), that is really intense and ‘happy’ … and one bad email away from a breakdown, narrowly lost the challenge leading to another tribal council where somebody tried to talk their way out of the game.

Sadly for Liz, Obama wasn’t as persuasive at talking himself out of the game as he was at talking himself into the White House. Thankfully I had a life changing Liz Markham and Egg Pizza waiting for her in the wings.

 

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BethBot3000, sorry, Liz was as thrilled as a humanoid cyborg can be when spotting me at Loser Lodge – thankfully being the victim of a blindside, her self-programmed vendetta against me was registered as void.

The delightful combination of ham and egg (leftovers I had because Probst kicked me out of his room before I could make him breakfast) with the kick of chilli and the mild, nutty sweetness of the cheese left her showing true emotion – unbridled joy.

Who knew pizza would fix Annelie and my inventing mistakes? Enjoy!

 

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Liz Markham and Egg Pizza
Serves: 1-2.

Ingredients
pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)
passata or tomato paste, with a combination of herbs
100g ham, sliced into strips
½ an onion, finely sliced
1 tsp chilli
4 eggs
handful of grated swiss cheese

Method
Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

When you’re ready to get comfort cooking for your robot-human creation, flatten the dough out to fit the pizza tray (or whatever you are cooking it on), cover with a tomato sauce (you could use tomato paste and a sprinkling of herbs … basil, thyme, oregano, the usual subjects).

Sprinkle onion over the base of the pizza, followed by roughly topping with the strips of ham, shaping four little ham-wells across the base and then sprinkle with chilli. Crack an egg into each of the wells and top with swiss cheese.

Cook for 15 minutes or until golden and bubbly.

 

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Peih-Gee Lawsagne

Main, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance

Poor sweet, scrappy Peih-Gee – just when she felt safe, our dear friend Abi-Maria (we met after getting kicked out of the same anger management course) flipped the game and orchestrated her blindside.

Let this be a warning to all of the remaining players, do not cross the Brazilian beauty … she will boot you!

We first met our (other) dear friend Peih-Gee while working as back-up dancers during Madonna’s performance at the 1998 MTV Music Awards (where I once again displayed twerking to the masses before Miley did). A fast bond was formed upon discovering that she was heiress to a jewellery dynasty, hoping she would go full Patty Hearst and help us rob the family business following a period of brainwashing.

While that didn’t happen, on account of her superior morals and strong will, she was kind enough to keep us blinged out with her superior jewellery designs.

Going into Second Chance, we felt that Peeg (as her closest friends call her) was well placed to succeed being a lone representative from a middle season however sadly our little firecracker Abi took an immediate dislike to our pocket rocket and she was doomed to join our other (loser) friends on the pre-jury vacay while we hung out in Ponderosa with their more successful peers.

While she was bummed to go out early, she was more than ready to leave the desolate Angkor beach and devour a hearty slice of our famed and noted Peih-Gee Lawsagne.

 

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We first made her the Lawsagne while squatting at her San Franciscan home whilst Annelie was trying to destroy George Lucas for taking away her first love Mark Hamill and I was developing my Castro based, soon to be green-lit Andy Dick Broadway musical Little Whorphan Andy (Harvey Fierstein, give me a call).

Peeg had just returned from her crushing defeat in China (could you imagine how great a Peih-Gee / Courtney finals would have been?) to discover that we had sold most of her possessions and trashed her house – the only thing we could do to apologise, was feed her our delicious, delicious comfort food.

Enjoy!

 

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Peih-Gee Lawsagne
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
1 cup Toni Basil pesto
1 cup green peas
400g ricotta cheese
1 egg
3/4 cup Parmesan
1/2 cup mozzarella
2 cups passata
1/2 cup cream
8-12 fresh lasagne sheets

Method
Heat a large saute pan and cook chicken mince until browned all over. Add cup of peas, cup of pesto and 1/2 cup of water. Cover and simmer for 5 minutes, or until peas are cooked.

While the chicken is cooking, mix together ricotta, egg, 1/4 cup Parmesan and season with salt and pepper. In another bowl, mix passata and cream.

Preheat oven to 180C. In a rectangular baking dish, spread 1/3 of passata mixture. Lay out lasagne sheets and top with a thin layer of ricotta mixture and chicken, and roll up from the short end. Place on top of passata mixture. Continue until all filling and lasagne sheets are used.

Top roll-ups with remaining sauce and sprinkle with remaining Parmesan and mozzarella. Bake for 35 minutes, or until lasagne noodles are soft enough to eat.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.