Awards Show

Margarita Moreno

Drink, Emmy Gold, Emmy Gold: Game of Golds

As you know my life’s dream – which I fulfill in 2032 – is to achieve the pinnacle of global success, the EGOT. Some may covet a Nobel prize, or a Presidency – but not me, the EGOT is where it’s at / is the most worthy of respect.

Despite this, winning the EGOT hasn’t always my dream, it wasn’t until my dear friend, icon of stage and screen, Rita Moreno, took at the quinella that I was inspired to achieve true greatness. I’d been friends with Reets for close to 30 years by the time she secured her first Emmy and completed the square, and seeing the joy it brought to her made me so happy … and insanely jealous, which eventually turned to inspired.

I first met Reets in the ‘40s – Stockard Channing? She was well into her 50s – while appearing on Broadway. I knew I had a star on my hands and vowed to take her to Hollywood and make her universally beloved. Which I did, yay me.

Anyway, West Side Story Came and went and I disappeared in and out of rehab, with Rita’s support and love becoming my only constant.

Given the fact she is experiencing quite the career resurgence, we haven’t been able to catch-up as often as we’d like, so she jumped at the opportunity to join me to kick off our Emmy Gold party. While her victorious categories have already been held at the Creative Arts Emmys, I opted to run the Drama and Limited Series Actress odds with her instead. Like me, she has recently reconciled with Nicky Kids and as such, is proud to back her for Best Actress in a Limited Series or TV Movie for her harrowing turn in Big Little Lies. Elisabeth Moss is taking out Best Actress in a Drama, despite the fact we find out it is a documentary from the future. My girl Millie Bobby Brown is going win Best Supporting Actress in a Drama for her breakout turn as Eleven and Queen Laura Dern is going to snatch Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or TV Movie for playing me in Big Little Lies.

While we eventually agreed on the victors, it did take some hearty discussion to reach consensus over some delicious booze. And there is no booze more delicious than my Margarita Moreno.

 

 

A little bit tart, entirely refreshing and oft a bad choice, tequila and margaritas are kind of the personification of dating me. Though instead of being refreshing, people tell me to stop getting fresh … with them. In any event, a marg is something you definitely want to take down your throat.

Enjoy!

 

 

Margarita Moreno
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
ice
2 parts tequila, only Patron for us obvi
1 part triple sec
1 part lime juice
2 lime wedges
salt for your rim

Method
Chill your glass with ice for a minute or so.

Transfer it to a cocktail shaker and add more until it is full. Pour over the tequila, triple sec and lime juice and shake, hard, until it is well combined and chilled.

Run the lime around the edges of your glasses, dip them in some salt and strain the marg into the glass.

Then, obvi, down.

 

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Emmys are coming

Emmy Gold, Emmy Gold: Game of Golds, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

With my boy Petey Dink and the rest of the GoT ineligible for this year’s Emmys, I decided to bring a little bit of the Iron Throne to Brisbane and L.A. as we countdown to the 69th – giggity – Emmy Awards.

Enter, our second Emmy Gold party.

Is Master of None going to take the top gong for another year of majestic comedy? Is Mama Ru and the crew going add more crowns to the royal jewels (the answer is yes, three. We know, but Mama Ru needs some acknowledgement, you know)? Are Mandy’s big three going to outdo the Stranger crew?

Buckle in, strap on and make sure not to lose your head. Game of Golds is here!

Image source: Academy of Television Arts & Sciences.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

LIVE BLOG: The 68th Primetime Emmy Awards

Emmy Gold, Live Blog, TV Recap

10:56 EDT
Wrapping us up for the year, Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz arrived – begging the question, why – to present Outstanding Drama Series to Game of Thrones.

Again, no one was shocked … but I’m storming the stage with Kit, the cast and crew.

With that, good night people!

10:52 EDT
We are finally at the pointy end of the show! Can you believe we made it?

As expected, Outstanding Comedy Series went to Veep which now makes me regret betting my life savings on Master of None.

10:44 EDT
When she thanked the cast you assumed she was thanking all of the sestras, assuming they were played by different people, right?

10:43 EDT

Keifer is here – sadly sober and with pants – to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series to Tatiana Maslany.

Holy shit this is paying off with my bookie!

And how overdue is this win? She is absolutely amazing in Orphan Black.

10:41 EDT
His joke – how adorable!

And I finally got a good win with my bookie again!

10:40 EDT
With the tears out of the way, we truly get down to business with the hotly contested Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series going to Rami Malek.

Maybe I will get lucky tonight after all?

10:29 EDT
Now we cry irrationally during the In Memoriam section.

I miss you Jacks, Dot, Gaz, Alan Rickman (said in his voice), Yetta, Prince, Gene and Bowie.

10:27 EDT
And now, Taraji is here to give out my personal favourite category tonight, Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series.

And unlike Amanda, I am not getting lucky tonight with Ben Mendelsohn taking home the Emmy.

Maybe Kit will need some comforting love.

10:21 EDT
Up next Minnie Driver and Michael Weatherly – why – arrived to present Outstanding Supporting Acress in a Drama Series. Again, sadly, to Maggie Smith.

Given it was a non-event, they were also given the job of presenting Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series to Miguel – again – for the inspiration to my next porn parody, Battle of the Bastards.

10:15 EDT
Yawn, the Emmy President everyone.

10:09 EDT
And finally we made it – drama is here and we are on the home stretch.

My other boyfriend Rami Malek has arrived and all is right in the world. Congrats to Hank and character actress Margot Martindale for your victory for Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama Series, respectively.

With that they delivered the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series to Dave and D.B. – I prefer DP, but that is another story for another time – for Battle of the Bastards which coincidentally reminds me of DP as well. Again, not the time.

Either way, Amanda Peet of Amanda Peet’s Coffee and Tea fame is getting lucky tonight.

10:05 EDT
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series went to Key & Peele, screwing me out of more money but winning Amy some cash with my bookie.

Again, no yanked chains.

10:03 EDT
Matt Damon arrived to talk smack with his nemesis Kimmel before Laverne Cox dropped by to give out Outstanding Directing for a Variety Special where won Thomas Kail and Alex Rudzinski, neither of whom I know, won for Grease: Live.

Their wives however did not yank their chains.

9:51 EDT
Fun fact, I should have been presenting Outstanding Variety Talk Series with my love Kit but was needed backstage to doctor Kimmel’s script. Congrats John Oliver, you and your hatred for Tony Abbott fills me with joy.

9:48 EDT
Now on to the Variety Series awards, so head off to the bathroom and I’ll catching you up.

Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special went to Patton Oswalt, shocking everyone. Damn with the subtle emotional ending though.

9:40 EDT
Seriously we are churning through the awards now – Outstanding Limited Series went to The People vs. O.J. Simpson which despite not being a surprise, thankfully has gotten me back in the black with my bookie.

9:38 EDT
Travolta didn’t like the Cochran joke. Thankfully it was time to give out Outstanding Television Movie going to Sherlock which I will never watch, despite becoming tentative friends with Cumberbatch.

9:35 EDT
Thankfully Bry was given enough time to get back to his seat while Ames and Teens made their entrance to hand out Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie. Sadly Bry couldn’t take home another gong with Courtney B. Vance taking out the hotly contested category and continuing O.J’s winning streak.

Thank god it didn’t go to my frenemy Benedict.

9:26 EDT
Claire and Bryan are here – obviously after gushing about how wonderful I am backstage – to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series or Movie to Sarah Paulson, shocking no one.

But kind of breaking my heart for Kirsten Dunst who would have won otherwise.

Sarah gave an amazing speech apologising to Marcia Clark for society being judgemental, patriarchal jerks.

Not me though, obviously – we gays don’t get that privilege. Like marriage in Australia.

9:23 EDT
Terrence Howard has arrived to present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie, though sadly not to Travolta and Schwimmer for their hilarious turns in The People vs. O.J. Simpson but instead the very deserving Sterling K. Brown.

9:15 EDT
The finally free Hiddleston is here to present Outstanding Directing for a Limited Series or Movie, which once again went to … what, not O.J?!

Congrats Susie for your work on The Night Manager.

9:11 EDT
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie once again went to Regina King.

FYI, I was her stylist this year – doesn’t she look beautiful!

Also I am still fucked with my bookie.

9:08 EDT
Now that we’ve burnt through the scum of comedy, we are on to Outstanding Writing for a Limited Series or Movie.

Congratulations to The People vs. O.J. Simpson – finally Marcia Clark’s name is associated with winning.

9:05 EDT
Thankfully Leslie Jones was brought out to bring some excitement to the accounting segment. To trolls, fuck off and leave her alone.

9:00 EDT
Finally some true glory, PB&J given out by the cast of Stranger Things.

8:57 EDT
Hearing my rage, we are over to Best Reality Competition Program where Survivor was once again overlooked.

Congrats on the win for your lesser show Mark.

8:53 EDT
Still with comedy – and what message does this send to comedy stars burning them off at the start,  this is cruel – Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series.

The Bill Cosby joke, classic and I’m sad to say that was not my idea – did you see Tina’s face?

Again, sadly, there was no surprise with Jeff taking out the Emmy and I blew the cash I had on Aziz. Damn you Jeff.

8:42 EDT
Sticking with comedy Keegan Michael Key arrived to finally give JLD another gong.

Again, she was so far ahead in the odds I actually now owe my bookie even more money.

Oh yeah, she has officially gotten the award now.

Thankfully she apologised for the current political climate that turned her show into a documentary.

Then she broke our hearts with the dedication to her dad – damn JLD, I’m now heartbroken.

8:38 EDT
Randall Park and Constance Wu started with a recap of the Guest Actor and Actress(es) – congrats Amy and Tina – in a Comedy Series, introducing Peter Scolari to present Directing in a Comedy Series.

Did I miss Lead Actress or did they not bother considering it is a given?

Either way, Jill Soloway took home the gold for Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series again and considering she was a favourite, I’m still stuck in the red. Thanks Jill … but congratulations, I guess.

8:29 EDT
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series is after the break, congratulations JLD!

8:28 EDT
Joel McHale and Kristen Bell are instantly here to test my skills with Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series going to Kate McKinnon. Shocking everyone, not least herself.

And I’m back in the red, fuck.

8:25 EDT
Julie Bowen and Matt LeBlanc are next up to test my bank balance with the award for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series.

Thankfully my boy Aziz won for Master of None – the best show on television/your computer – won and I’ve now got half of the winner’s right.

This recouped my previous loss.

8:15 EDT
Strong opening from Kimmel – you’re welcome.

Anthony Anderson and Tracee Ellis Ross are here to truly start the party with the award for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series which went to Louie Anderson out of nowhere, sending me into debt with my bookie already.

#JusticeForTituss.

With that, I’m currently 0 from 1. If this blog cuts out, I can be found on a burner phone.

8:08 EDT
Marcia Clark joke? Again mine … but seriously, she isn’t the best of luck charms.

Cutting to Kit during the masturbation joke, mine. Also, what the hell is with my seat filler’s hair.

8:04 EDT
Kicking off with the Bronco chase – my idea, classic.

Modern Family, not my idea.

Carpool Karaoke, my idea … but with me involved.

Veep bit, mine and Tone’s. Game of Thrones bit, mine and Pete’s.

Red carpet
7:55 EDT
Entering the fray late is Laverne Cox, winning the award for best woman dressed like an Emmy.

And with that, I’m heading inside to see whether Kimmel lands my jokes.

7:48 EDT
Dual nominee Sarah Paulson has arrived looking absolutely stunning in a green Prada accompanied by the woman she portrayed to snag her first Emmy, Marcia Clark.

The Schumer sisters have arrived looking beautiful in black Vivienne Westwood fully recovered from the food poisoning I didn’t cause.

My ex-frenemy Claire Danes has arrived, taking Ellie Kemper’s look of dressing like an Emmy. Shockingly she is nominated again, given how terrible her toddler impression was.

7:37 EDT
James Corden is looking good – but let’s be honest, Terrence Howard and Tituss are the only ones I can remember not wearing the standard black tux.

Anthony Anderson is looking good, mixing it up with a black shirt while Rami Malek is rocking the Tituss, looking babin’ and hopefully about to take home his first Emmy.

Otherwise my mortgage is done … but anyway.

7:22 EDT
Terrence Howard has arrived to suffer through Juju. To be honest, Lucious has made me scared of Terrence, so his bravery is doing wonders for his image.

Speaking of nerves, Thomas Middleditch has arrived as a first time nominee for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy with the hair of a child on school photo day.

Sadly he makes it work.

Speaking of kids, Disney’s erstwhile Anna has arrived and is looking every bit the princess.

7:17 EDT
Bry has finally arrived and is well and truly proving his acting prowess, politely tolerating Juju. Obviously he is looking stunning, considering I acted as his stylist.

My dear Tituss Burgess has arrived – fun fact, we both share the talent for downing wine – looking fine, ready to snatch his first Emmy.

Please. PLEASE.

7:06 EDT
Regina King is looking stunning in a red Elizabeth Kennedy gown, Constance Zimmer is dominating in printed Monique Lhuillier – while Juju is pushing for her to produce her next reality show – and Matt LeBlanc is putting me to sleep.

I know we are close friends but Matt, get some energy!

Thankfully Emilia Clarke arrived to wake me up, brush off the casual sexism and stun in nude Versace.

Heidi is here … in one of her better red carpet looks. That is all.

6:52 EDT
Jerry Seinfeld has returned to the Emmys after a 19 year hiatus, sufferer through Juju with effortless charm.

Sophie Turner arrived wearing a Valentino nightie – think a black version of what Coco wore while being eliminated from Drag Race.

Maura Tierney arrived on foot as she was sick of sitting in traffic. That alone is enough for her to win in my eyes. The Christian Siriano is another win for her.

6:40 EDT
Ok – so have me all moved past the shock that Eleven is British and just how cute they are? Cool.

Nominee Keegan-Michael Key is here looking great … but why isn’t Juju telling me what he is wearing? Oh well … I’ll find out when I’m tidying all the clothes on my floor tomorrow.

6:35 EDT
Felicity Huffman and Bill Macy have arrived and continue to be the most adorable dual nominated couple.

STOP EVERYTHING THE CAST OF STRANGER THINGS ARE HERE.

6:27 EDT
My dear Tony Hale is here – sadly with his wife – looking rugged and beautiful in a tux.

FYI, I advised him to rock the beard. If he is around later he could join Kit and I.

Sterling K. Brown is looking great and acting humble – good luck tonight my love, I’ll catch you soon.

Sarah Hyland continues to be the most likeable cast member of Modern Family, winning my heart in Monique Lhuillier before Ariel Winter arrived looking beautiful and charming and making me awkward for sharing my Hyland love.

6:15 EDT
Another of my closest friends Tatiana Maslany – I need to catch-up with her soon – is looking stunning in a beautiful red Alexander Wang gown.

Shockingly none of her sestras showed up to offer her support. Happy birthday for Thursday Tat!

6:10 EDT
My dear friend Ellie Kemper is currently suffering through Ju and while she is following the Field of Dreams mantra – build it and they will come – dressed as an Emmy.

It works and I love her.

6:04 EDT
We are off and running with America Ferrera dropping by to suffer through Juju. Considering she completed a triathlon yesterday, she has suffered enough – free America!

Oh her dress? I’ve already forgotten.

Happy Emmy day everyone!

Hollywood’s lesser night of nights – despite it being the golden age of TV, TV is still scum, right – is finally upon us and a new batch of recipients are about to be awarded the highest honour of the small screen.

As I announced on Friday, I’m once again trying my hand at live blogging – this time with the 68th Primetime Emmy Awards – providing you with the insider gossip from an industry stalwart and close friend of the entire TV industry.

Once again, as well as attending I’m hosting the red carpet specials on E!, Bravo, ABC, Retirement Living, Dish Nation, The CW and Briz 31, acting as Kit’s double when the ceremony starts to drag / later tonight when he wants to celebrate and doctoring Kimmel’ script from the green room.

I will also be continuing my feud with Gugu-B Rancid?

So strap in and keep your mouse close to the refresh button as I take you inside the Emmys!

Image source: The Emmys.

Megan Marshmallys

Dessert, Emmy Gold, Snack, Sweets

We’ve made it – day five of my Emmy Week celebrations is finally here and there is no one I’d rather catch-up with than the dear Megan Mullally.

As you know, Megsy and I have been close friends for close to 30 years since my fluffer days in the 80s, through my role as her Maid of Dishonour and even survived my feud with Debra Messing during Will & Grace, which shut down the set more than 200 times and advising her to be in You, Me and the Apocalypse.

The only thing Megsy loves more than partying with Nick and I, is black market gambling so was hella keen to run the  odds for the remaining categories – we felt that we had well and truly covered off on the Comedy odds.

Oh Master of None will win Best Comedy and Actor, FYI.

In addition, Sarah Poulson will pip K Dunst, Game of Thrones will win drama, Rami Malek will win my heart / Best Actor, Viola will rob Tatiana and My Girl Chlumsky will finally bag herself an Emmy and that is as far as I can remember on account of our boozy ways.

I do remember, however, that my Megan Marshmallys were the perfect sweetener to the sting that she wasn’t attending – thank god I’ve got Kit!

 

megan-marshmallys-1

 

Marshmallows – dry, powdery and sickeningly sweet? Yes. But freshly made, these babies truly sing – delicately melting in your mouth and filling your heart with joy.

Who will take home the gongs? Join me Sunday/Monday – timezone dependent – as I live blog the event while hosting the E! Red carpet, finalise the script for Jim, attend with Kit, Idris and Tom and act as the results auditor.

Enjoy!

 

megan-marshmallys-2

 

Megan Marshmallys
Makes: 48.

Ingredients
⅔ cup icing sugar, sifted, plus extra for dusting
1kg caster sugar
2 tbsp liquid glucose
¼ cup gelatine powder
4 egg whites
1 tbsp vanilla bean paste
⅔ cup cornflour

Method
Full disclosure, these make an absolute shit-tonne … but they are good (and Megsy and I use them, well, let’s just say there is a fetish) and will get eaten. Quickly.

Line a couple of lamington pans/baking trays with baking paper and generously dust each with icing sugar.

Meanwhile combine the caster sugar and glucose with 400ml of water in a saucepan and stir over low heat until the sugar dissolves. Crank up the heat to medium and bring to the boil, cooking for 3-5 minutes or until a sugar thermometer reaches 110-120°C.

While that is cooking, combine the gelatine with 400ml of freshly boiled water and allow to stand for five minutes, or until glossy and clear. Once ready, whisk through the sugar syrup and remove from the heat.

Now get to work on the meringue and beat the eggwhites until stiff peaks. And I mean stiff peaks. I once peaked too soon, in that I didn’t have stiff peaks, resulting in a marshmallow that has meringue on top and a layer of what looked like aspic or lard below.

Anyway, with the mixer still on, gradually – and again, gradual is the key part of this step – add the sugar syrup until all combined. Beat for a further 10 minutes, until the mixture is thick and glossy. Remove from the mixer, fold through the vanilla, spread amongst the pans and chill until firm, an hour or two.

Combine the cornflour and icing sugar in a shallow dish.

Remove the marshmallow from the fridge, cut into squares and roll in the powdery mixture. Stand to dry on a metal rack for an hour or so before devouring.

Store any extra in an airtight container, though storing them scares me. Mainly because I don’t understand not gorging.

 

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Yuzu Aduba Chicken

Emmy Gold, Main, Poultry

Holy snub, batman!

Finally I’m catching up with a past winner who isn’t going for a gong this year, but really, at what cost. How in the world does the queen of chocolate and vanilla swirls, erotica and small buns not score a third consecutive nom/win?

But seriously. Crazy-eyes, no nomination? Crazy.

Despite what would obviously be disappointment, Uzo is such an absolute treasure that she hasn’t taken me up on any offers to send anthrax to the nominees that stole her place and nor does she want me to pull a Kanye dressed as Bob the Drag Queen dressed as Uzo as Crazy-Eyes in Snatch Game.

Honestly though, that is just classic Uzo. She has always had the sweetest heart and is arguably the kindest person I’ve ever met.

We first connected while attending Boston University and quickly grew to be the best of friends. As the only two people to be studying classical singing on the track and field team, that was kind of bound to happen.

After graduation, we packed up and farewelled Boston to try her luck on the big white way. It became abundantly clear that my chequered past was going to stand in the way of her success, so I wished her luck and fled – only finding joy in watching her career flourish in my absence.

Fast forward to 2012 and I started developing a little show for Netflix under the pseudonym Jenji Kohan – Benji/Jenji, I’m surprised no one has twigged before – and I knew there was nobody else that could play the role of Crazy Eyes.

I was reticent to bring up the odds for this year’s nominees but sweet Uzo knows how important gambling is to me – I mean, she hosted six of my nine gambling addiction interventions – so felt it was her duty to assist me. Yes it is questionable given my past, but she is too damn nice and didn’t want to upset me further after I found out her plus one was already taken.

With that, we agreed that Lena would snag Supporting Actress in a Drama Series for her bad-ass ascension to the throne and celebrated Ames and Teens taking out the Guest Actress in a Comedy win.

We also agreed that my Yuzu Aduba Chicken is an absolute must.

 

yuzu-aduba-chicken-1

 

There is nothing better than chicken with a bit of citrus up the butt. I know there is a science – well assume but want to sound like I know what I’m talking about, which I won’t if it is actually wrong – behind the citric acid, steam and the chicken cavity that makes it so tender and juicy, but do we care about science? I mean, I’ve slept with Bill Nye but beyond that I’ve got no interest in science.

No matter where you stand on the caring-about-science-spectrum, this chicken is fucking delicious. Add in a cheeky little slaw and it almost makes up for the most egregious snubbings of 2016.

Enjoy!

 

yuzu-aduba-chicken-2

 

Yuzu Aduba Chicken
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 large chicken
1-2 yuzu, size dependent
2 garlic cloves, crushed
2 tsp ginger, grated
25g unsalted butter, melted
2 tbsp light soy sauce
½ tsp sesame oil
1 tbsp peanut oil
½ tsp caster sugar
black sesame seeds, to serve
yuzu/lemon/lime wedges, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C.

Place the chicken in a large roasting dish, pierce the yuzu with a skewer and shove square up the butt/cavity. Rub with a bit of peanut oil, season and chuck in the oven for an hour and twenty minutes.

Meanwhile, combine garlic, ginger, butter and half the soy sauce in a bowl. After the chicken has been in the oven for twenty minutes, baste with the marinade and continue every fifteen minutes or so to get crispy, sticky skin. If it starts to get too blackened, cover in foil.

Once the chicken is done, remove from the oven, cover with foil and then a tea towel and rest for fifteen minutes. After it has steamed in its juices, uncover, carve and serve with a light asian salad and a sprinkling of why-they-gotta-be-black-sesame-seeds (spoiler: they taste better) and a wedge of yuzu (or lemon or lime).

 

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Amy MuSchumer

Emmy Gold, Main

Ok – so again, we’re catching up with another current Emmy nominee but I promise, this is the last one. Rightly or wrongly, but I’ll get to that tomorrow.

Amy and I are just way too similar for me to not include her in such an important occasion. I mean, both of us are praised as brave for posing nude (I’d argue that it is the photographer that is brave in my case, but I’ve digressed), have a penchant for smut and swearing and have felt the disappointed gaze of Michael Caine.

Plus she is a killer friend and is sure to take me as her date, right? Well wrong … but all is forgiven as she too agrees that Kit and I should go together.

I first met Ames in the early 00s when we both became involved in a shoplifting scheme, resulting in grand larceny charges. While she was able to plead down the charges thanks to her cousin, I bought my way out of my problems and fled back to Lisa Vanderpump’s mansion.

While we didn’t speak for a few years, we reconnected during her stint on Last Comic Standing. I was heavily involved in rigging reality television programs and was desperately trying to get my hands on NBC’s stable after my dear friend Bethenny/any/eny/annie/infghtsmjfjf lost on Martha Stewart’s Apprentice, so spent a lot of time on set.

The decade that followed will go down as arguably the greatest friendship either has ever had and the best creative partnership known to mankind.

Like Bryan, Ames has a breadth of nominations under her belt so thankfully was able to run a shit tonne of odds with me. Our choices, are as follows:
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series, Key and Peele
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series, JLD
Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, Tig Notaro

Notably – but not surprisingly – she only backed her show when she wasn’t listed as a nominee. I however back her when she isn’t up against JLD (and was right to back Teens and Ames in the Guest category). Adjust your betting accordingly.

After such a lengthy discussion, we were absolutely famished by the time it came to plotting the best way for me to get to Kit that I had to stop everything and whip up a huge batch of my Amy MuSchumer.

 

amy-muschumer-1

 

Like Ames, the muschumer packs a punch, has a little bite and fills you with absolute joy. Coincidentally those are all aspects of my plan to woo Kit.

Enjoy!

 

amy-muschumer-2

 

Amy MuSchumer
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ cup plain flour
2 tbsp cornflour
¼ cup water
¼ cup milk
6 eggs
2 tbsp butter, melted
1 tbsp chilli flakes
peanut oil
600g pork, cut into strips
¼ cup soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
2 tbsp oyster sauce
thumb of ginger, peeled and minced
1 large carrot, julienned
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
100g shiitake mushrooms, sliced
6 shallots, sliced on the angle and one whole for the pancakes
2-3 cups shredded wombok
hoisin sauce, to serve

Method
Combine the flour, cornflour, water, milk, 2 of the eggs, half the butter, chilli flakes and rough chopped additional shallot and blitz in a food processor until smooth. Cover and stand while you make the pork.

Heat a lug of peanut oil in a wok/large frying pan over high heat and stir-fry the pork, in two batches, until browned aka about a minute. Transfer to a bowl and stir through the soy, sake, oyster sauce and ginger.

Clean out the wok/frying pan, add another lug of oil and stir-fry the carrot, capsicum and mushrooms for a minute. Add the shallots, wombok and pork and stir-fry for a couple of minutes, the liquid has reduced and the vegetables bright but tender. Remove from heat.

Meanwhile heat another lug of peanut oil in a small frying pan over high heat. When blisteringly hot, add the remaining eggs, lightly beaten, reduce heat to low and stir the eggs over themselves to form a delicate omelette.

Remove from the heat, roughly chop and stir through the pork mixture and keep warm while you fry the pancakes.

Heat a small frying pan over medium heat and brush with the remaining butter. Add about a tablespoon worth of batter to the frying pan, spread it out to form a thin pancake and cook for a minute or two. Flip and cook for a further minute. Transfer to a plate and repeat until the batter is done.

Once the pancakes are sorted, dish up the pork, garnishing with some extra slice shallots, and serve with the pancakes.

I wouldn’t worry too much about presentation as you inhale them pretty quickly!

 

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Bryam Cranston Balls

Emmy Gold, Party Food, Side, Snack, Vegetarian

Ok – so I know it makes running the odds all the more difficult, I couldn’t bare to hold an Emmy Week without seeing my ex-love and six-time victor Bryan Cranston.

Plus he has won for Best Actor in a Drama and Best Drama on top of his nominations for Best Actor in a Limited Series or Movie, Best Limited Series or Movie and – catch your breath – Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy, meaning he can run a shit tonne of odds with me.

Let’s start with Best Supporting Actor, on account of yesterday’s catch-up with Tone, where Bry (like me and honestly Tone) is going for the well-deserved though underdog Tituss Burgess. I mean, the academy really should make up for the fact he lost last year despite the majesty of Pinot Noir.

Anyway, let me take you back to the early 80s. As you know, I was working with my dear friend Erik Estrada on the set of CHiPs when a young Bry arrived to guest during an episode. Using my keen sense of great talent – I discovered Meryl Streep, did you know? – I knew that he was destined for greatness, kinda dumped E and hitched myself to the Cranston Wagon.

We stayed close through his bit parts on Murder She Wrote, Matlock, Baywatch, The Flash, Seinfeld before I finally got him his big break – via my ex-lover – on Malcolm in the Middle and the rest, as they irritatingly say, is history.

While I was never able to get through the shit stretch of Breaking Bad, I’ve always been Bry’s number one fan and know that he will once again take out the Emmy, this time for Actor in a Limited Series or Movie (I mean, the man won a Tony for the play) – obvs I’m putting a cheeky bet on Hiddleston for the sole reason that he finally broke up with Swifty.

Once again, despite our extremely loud and incredibly close relationship, Bry has opted to go to this year’s Emmys with his wife, although was kind enough to point out that Kit and I would make such a cute twincest couple, albeit with me in the role of low-rent Jon Snow. With such a beautiful compliment, I had to repay him so still whipped up a batch of my Bryam Cranston Balls.

 

bryam-cranston-balls-1

 

You know that like the egreciously snubbed Jane Krakowski’s alter ego Jenna Maroney, I’m a huge fan of balls. Balls, balls, balls, balls.

Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls. If I can form food into a ball, I will.

So yes, these are just a version of arancini, but arancini is the best, so is that a crime? Add in some yam (or you know, sweet potato in a pinch … I was in a pinch), spinach and goat’s cheese and you’ve got a preemptive seventh Emmy party in yo’ mouth!

Enjoy!

 

bryam-cranston-balls-2

 

Bryam Cranston Balls
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
250g yam (or sweet potato), peeled and cut into 1cm dice
olive oil
3 cups chicken stock
1 onion, finely diced
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 cup arborio rice
½ cup white wine
1 cup baby spinach
100g goat’s cheese, crumbled
2 tbsp sage, finely chopped
1 tbsp dried chilli flakes
½ cup plain flour
2 eggs, lightly whisked
1 cup panko breadcrumbs

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Place the yam on an a baking tray, drizzle with oil and bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and tender.

Bring the stock to a simmer in a saucepan over low heat.

Meanwhile, heat a good lug of oil in a large saucepan over medium heat and saute the onion and garlic for 5 minutes, or until fragrant and soft. Add the rice and cook for a further couple of minutes or until they start to go translucent. Add the wine and cook until it is all absorbed, followed by the stock, half-cup by half-cup until all gone, absorbing between each addition.

Reduce heat to low and cook for about 15 minutes, or until the rice is al dente. Remove from the heat, stir through the baby spinach and allow to cool for an hour.

When it is as frosty as a Daytime Emmy winner at a Primetime Emmy party, stir through the sweet potato, goat’s cheese, sage and chilli.

Line a large baking tray, roll the risotto into 1-2 tablespoon sized balls and place on the tray to rest until the mixture is all gone.

Place the flour in a shallow bowl, the eggs in another and the breadcrumbs in another. One by one, roll each ball in the flour, then the egg, followed by the breadcrumbs. Return to tray and repeat until all done. Place the tray in the fridge to chill for half an hour.

Remove the tray from the fridge, drizzle with oil and bake for 30 minutes, flipping once, or until golden and crisp.

Devour.

 

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Tony Kale Chips

Emmy Gold, Side, Snack

Now I know it runs the risk of stacking the odds-discussion and is in flagrant disregard of my unspoken Oscar Gold rules, but I’m a man that likes to live on the edge so opted by opening my Emmy Gold celebrations with my dear friend, the current Emmy holder and repeat nominee (for the past four years) Tony Hale.

Sure we aren’t going to be able to run the Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series odds without a shit tonne of bias but it should be only a two horse race anyway – Tone and Tituss, for those playing along at home – so I don’t even care, you know?

I’ve known Tone for fifteen years after meeting on the set of Dawson’s Creek when he guested as a doctor. I was their medical advisor at the time after defrauding my way through Harvard Med and bonded with Tone after he could clearly tell I wasn’t a doctor. Using the old adage of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer, I befriended him into keeping my secret and cemented it with a role in the best episode of SAtC, The Real Me.

Thanks for getting me out of that pickle, Mar-Cho!

We haven’t been able to catch-up much in the last few years, what with him busy filming Veep and me hustling – in all meanings of the word.

Tone is obviously starting to get nervous for the big night, going for his third gong however he is continuing to spout off the line I hate most, I’m just happy to be nominated – although I’m terrified to think that he may actually mean it!

“It won’t happen, but do you want me to kill Ty Burrell if he beats you?”

“No Ben, I don’t mind. He is a great (SIC) actor and truly, it is just an honour to be nominated.”

“But Veep is a far better show than Modern Family and I’m sick of it (winning awards, I’ll keep watching)! What about Matt? Want me to mess him up a bit if he joins the Veep winners?”

“No – I love Matt, he deserves to win … “

“He doesn’t.”

“He does and it is an honour to be nominated against him.”

As you can see, conversation started to go round in circles with him praising his fellow nominees – Tituss being the only warranted praise – while I desperately tried to finalise my bet with my bookie / see if his plus one was available.

While he stupidly elected to take his beautiful wife – citing my penchant for violence as a reason he had reservations about taking me as his escort – I didn’t mind, knowing that Kit Harrington would still take me – in both meanings – if I get desperate. To prove I held no ill will, I still made a hearty serve of my Tony Kale Chips.

 

tony-kale-chips-1

 

I know some people have an issue with kale, mainly due to its fad-like popularity, I’ve never met someone who can’t be swayed by them in chip form. Earthy, crisp and covered in salt, these are the perfect snack for eating smugly before an awards show.

I mean kale is healthy, so you can break the diet early, right? Enjoy!

 

tony-kale-chips-2

 

Tony Kale Chips
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
bunch of kale
olive oil
salt, to taste

Method
Preheat the oven to 175°C.

Remove the kale leaves from the stems and cut into large chip-sized pieces, wash and dry them thoroughly.

Transfer to a lined baking sheet, drizzle with a lug of olive oil, season with salt and bake for 10-15 minutes, or until lightly browned and crisp.

Devour.

 

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Another gold rush

Emmy Gold, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

After the resounding success of my annual Oscar Gold celebrations – can you believe it just started as a way to bring down Elts? – Kimmel got in touch to ask for my assistance in scripting the show and to help, you know, make him funny.

Since I’ll be in town to help and will likely get called in to do some styling, I decided to round up some of my closest Emmy winning friends to help me decide who’s offer I should accept to attend as their date.

Obvs Kit Harrington is the current front runner but I’m open to the suggestions of my pals. I’m also open to their suggestions before I place my bets – you know I love to run the odds.

Who will be joining me for the most critically lauded online coverage with less than 1000 unique daily views of an Awards Season?

Just you wait, just you wait (sorry, peaking too soon for the Tonys) – join me Monday as we kick off Emmy Gold!

Image source: Emmy Awards.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

LIVE BLOG: The 88th Annual Academy Awards – Oscars 2016

Live Blog, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVI: Gold Interrupted, TV Recap

9:00 PST
Coming in just on time – God has (ironically enough) presented Spotlight with the Best Picture gong … proving, once again, that I am psychic!

Well done to all the winners, most of you my closest friends – can’t wait to catch-up soon!

8:59 PST
Classic Leo – class and causes, well done … I’ll ignore the fact you’re the only person not to be played off.

8:54 PST
Harvey Weinstein will be devastated he blew his money trying to continue the Loser Leo memes.

Well done Leo, you beautiful bastard – it truly has been too long!

The standing ovation is going to push this thing overtime.

8:47 PST
Brie is such a doll and I desperately need to catch-up with her ASAP.

I am so sad Room won’t win Best Picture.

8:44 PST
Best Actress and my psychic ability is safe.

Let me beat Eddie to it – congratulations Brie!

8:39 PST
And The Revenant is making a comeback at the expense of my psychic ability and poor little Georgie.

It is deserved and I love him, but I decided I am going with Aussie pride an hour or so ago, so am now sad.

8:37 PST
We are back to checking my psychic ability with the presentation of Best Director …

8:27 PST
Ugh, as much as I hate Sam Smith, Kate Winslet’s fist-pumping makes the win tolerable.

And his shout-out to the LGBT community is always a win … despite him not being anywhere close to being the first openly gay man to win an Oscar.

8:24 PST
OG song – can The Weeknd shame D-Bag Foster?

8:23 PST
My boy Quincy is in the house – I really need to catch-up with him soon!

He is presenting Best Original Score, again something I win in 2036. This year, it was taken out by The Hateful Eight, bagging dear Ennio Morricone his first competitive Oscar.

8:13 PST
Ok … but she can sing.

8:10 PST
Joe was bide-n his time with me in the green room while we discussed future policies and HRC’s odds on Super Tuesday.

He begged me to get involved with this year’s election, so stay tuned.

Back to the Oscars though, Lady Gaga’s transition to the film and television industry is fetch … in that it is not going to happen (if I can stop it … K DUNST FOREVER).

8:09 PST
Who am I kidding? Sofia Vergara is charming enough to get away with Travolta-ing a name. But she won’t, because she is a boss.

Well done to Son of Sa-ool. I jinxed her, didn’t I. At least hers is because of an accent, amirite Adele Dazeem?

8:06 PST
Bringing the adorable pre-teen charm, Jacob and Abraham are back to present Best Live Action Short Film.

They are probably the only people that could get away with Travolta-ing a name tonight.

Off topic, Jacob is giving me Room flashbacks and now I’m more depressed than In Memoriam and Bing Bong’s (snubbed) suicide combined.

Well done to the team behind Stutterer.

7:59 PST
I just counted at least 20 exes in the In Memoriam segment.

Oh, and Bing Bong was excluded.

7:54 PST
Chez is here and is giving a rousing speech about equality – I can’t even make jokes about her.

7:50 PST
Gena, Spike and my love, Debbie fucking Reynolds are here and I couldn’t be happier.

7:43 PST
Amy, as I knew, has taken out Best Documentary Feature.

It was presented by the girl who stole my role in the new Star Wars film and the babe who Judi Dench hooked me up with on the set of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

7:40 PST
Louis C.K. is here to present Best Documentary Short and is acknowledging that this is the most meaningful of the awards, sorry Leo.

Well done to the team behind A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness.

Sharmeen, we need to catch-up soon!

7:32 PST
Um … what? I can’t believe I got one wrong. Mark was very deserving and I love him (I was a fluffer on Intimacy), but we missed the chance to struggle through another Sly speech!

7:28 PST
Patty has arrived, so that means only one thing – Best Supporting Actor.

Hopefully they invested in some subtitles for Sly.

7:15 PST
I am back to being shocked that The Weeknd is the sole nominee from 50 Shades of Grey.

7:12 PST
And now shocking nobody, Inside Out has won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature.

RIP Bing Bong – I will protest if you’re excluded from the In Memoriam segment.

7:08 PST
I am shocked Mad Max didn’t win for Best Animated Short.

Bear Story looks cute though, I just feel Mad Max was more deserving.

7:06 PST
I requested pizza, but cookies purchased for me by countless ex-lovers is pretty damn good.

7:03 PST
Guess it is time to end my feud with Shonda.

7:00 PST
Jason Segel and Olivia Munn are an odd pair, until you realise they aren’t – I am trying for a threesome later.

Hopefully they have caught the Aussie fever too?

6:55 PST
Serkis presented Ex Machina with the win for Visual Effects, meaning Mad Max has another person who can feel awkward about not winning.

In positive news, Mad Max has officially become the most awarded film of the 88th Annual Academy Awards … an hour and a half into the seventeen hour broadcast.

6:54 PST
My ex-lover Andy Serkis is on stage. I had a Gollum fetish and when he was out of the motion-capture suit, he lost his appeal.

6:52 PST
Sound Mixing? Yep … Mad Max.

I am totally picking up tonight, Hollywood is loving Aussies.

The Revenant is 1 from 7, Mad Max is 6 from 7. Awkward for their Cinematographer, amirite?

6:49 PST
Sorry, I should reiterate … I am psychic.

Fun fact: The Revenant are currently 1 for 6.

6:48 PST
Sound Editing, another subject I know nothing about but win an Oscar for in 2036 (I win 13 individual awards and go down in history).

I’m going out on a limb and announcing Mad Max before they do.

6:47 PST
Chris is doing a great job … but I would love for him to spring for a pizza like Ellen.

6:41 PST
Editing gives Mad Max its fourth win for the evening.

I think Stacey Dash was a joke. Whether she was in on it, is questionable.

6:37 PST
So while they give out the Achievement in Cinematography Award to The Revenant (finally getting on the board tonight), I’m going to continue looking into whether the Stacey Dash bit was a joke.

I’m really concerned guys and you should be too.

6:27 PST
Make-up and hairstyling have made it an early hat-trick for Mad Max. Glad my fellow Gold Coast girl Margot was able to bring them some more Aussie pride.

Wake me when George is on stage or robbed by Alejandro (whom I love, despite the below slight.

6:24 PST
Jenny Beavan has taken out Best Costume design and I noticed Alejandro giving her side eye for the jacket I designed.

I am crushed.

I have no idea what exactly Production Design is, but I win the Oscar for it in 2036. I assume I am mentored by tonight’s winners, Colin Gibson and Lisa Thompson?

6:18 PST
Cate is on stage so I’m currently in the green room looking for booze, giving Chris a pep talk and just being a dominant force of nature.

I wish you got to experience the glamour, it is great!

6:13 PST
I feel like the scrolling ‘Thank you’ section isn’t actually cutting the speeches down?

6:12 PST
Best Supporting Actress time, welcome to the Oscar winner club Alicia! For the record, I’m currently 3 for 3.

6:06 PST
My falsetto is better. Also, why are they cropping me out of frame whenever they show Cate?

6:02 PST
Sam Smith is singing and once again, I am yawning.

I’m ducking out for a Double Double, be back soon.

6:00 PST
Um, was the Stacey Dash bit meant to be a joke?

5:51 PST
Adapted Screenplay is up with Ryan Gosling continuing his run as a comedian.

And Anchorman‘s snubbing is redeemed – well done, The Big Short!

5:46 PST
First award of the night is up, Original Screenplay. I win this in 2036 for Little Whorephan Andy.

Well done, Spotlight!

5:36 PST
I added the Jada jokes – she knows what she did.

5:32 PST
Chris is looking great and is going to do such a great job.

Remember when I helped with the script?

5:28 PST
It’s show time!

5:15 PST
Leo and Kate are adorable. On that note, he could have fit and Rose is a murderer.

Lady Gaga looks good and I think that is more disappointing than the fact that she is a nominee tonight.

5:05 PST
Fassbender looks great but makes me want to nap. Not just because of Shame.

My nemesis Reece Witherspoon looks good and that makes me sad.

4:55 PST
Rachel McAdams is beautiful in emerald, reminding us that she was robbed for Mean Girls.

Julie Moore is confusing me in Chanel.

4:41 PST
Heidi Klum is terrifying in my mother’s 90s sheer curtains, with some added side boob.

4:33 PST
Now returning down-under, Cate Blanchett’s gown is a floral ode to my bird phobia, sea foam, scary and stunning. 5 stars.

Naomi Watts is beautifully dressed as navy fish, again, in a good way.

Meanwhile in the northern hemisphere, Tilda SwintonSandy Powell is currently winning Best Dressed coming in costume as David Bowie.

4:24 PST
Bryan Cranston is breaking me, bad, in his tux.

4:17 PST
Margot Robbie slaying the carpet, putting the gold in Gold Coast girl.

Rooney Mara bringing the skin and killing it.

Best Actress (soon-to-be)winner Brie Larson has arrived in a stunning Gucci gown, with accessories styled by Sylvester Stallone in character as Rocky.

Jacob Tremblay is reportedly infuriated by her slight.

4:07 PST
Olivia Munn looking exquisite in Stella McCartney. Classic, simple, perfect – 5 stars.

4:05 PST
Common has just arrived in an #OscarsSoWhite tux by D&G.

4:00 PST
Eddie Redmayne, looking to claim back-to-back Best Actor trophies, is looking dapper on the red carpet in Alexander McYasQueen.

I know where I want to find his fantastic beast later tonight – 4.5 stars.

3:55 PST
Saoirse Ronan who I trained to be a horrible person for Atonement has hit the red carpet and is being charming – I have no idea what she is saying, but I love her so I don’t care.

Looking stunning in an Irish green custom Calvin – 4 stars.

3:51 PST
Olivia Wilde, whom I met and became close with on the set of The O.C. has just arrived on the red carpet in Valentino.

She has described it as fun, I describe it as a glamorous version of a fireman’s outfit (think Samantha in the fire house in SATC) crossed with nipple-tape.

3:35 PST
Whoopi has hit the carpet, looking stunning. Sadly the banana shoes didn’t make the cut.

3:33 PST
Jacob Tremblay is literally the only person shorter than Seacrest.

By a matter of inches.

3:30 PST
Sofia Vergara looks like a dignified version of tit soup in the Playboy episode of Sex and the City.

That is meant as a compliment – 3.5 stars.

3:27 PST
Scrap that – hope her publicist is giving her the 50 bucks for making her turn on me.

If she doesn’t win, this will start a feud – mark my words.

3:23 PST
Best Supporting Actress front runner Alicia Vikander just earned 50 bucks by snubbing Seacrest in her beautiful Louis Vuitton gown – 4 stars.

Such a great person to have in my squad!

3:21 PST
Sam Smith – yawn. Go to In’n’Out.

3:16 PST
My divine friend Mindy Kaling is envious of my busy schedule today – she too will enjoy success one day, I am sure.

She is looking anything but disgust-ing on the red carpet though!

3:11 PST
My ex-collaborator Adam McKay has just arrived and is totally banging.

Will The Academy make up for snubbing him for the Anchorman saga?

Hot tip: Aaron and I think he will win for his screenplay for The Big Short.

3:01 PST
Gena Rowlands is here and is such a doll and her lifetime achievement award is so well deserved.

We first met on the set of A Woman Under the Influence, where I taught her how to be under the influence.

2:50 PST
Thank you for joining the carpet Independent Spirit Award winner, Abraham Attah from Beasts of No Nation!

He is 30 years Seacrest’s junior, but 2 feet taller.

2:47 PST
So I forgot how much of a snooze the early part of the red carpet was. Between Dickie trying to kiss me and Gu handing out markers to colour in her gown, I am so bored.

Please follow me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+, and give me a reason to look at my phone and avoid chit chat with these people!

2:41 PST
Brad and Ange’s kids drew the flowers on Giuliana Rancic’s dress. Two stars.

2:36 PST
Richard Wilkins just tried to make out with me. Um, Richard, we haven’t done that in like four years.

Can people start arriving so this gets less awkward?

2:31 PST
Best part of working the red carpet? Looking tall by standing near Ryan Seacrest. Tonight he is dressed by Pumpkin Patch.

2:27 PST
We are live! We are betting on Cate and Brie tying for best dressed – Cate looks stunning (I am her date) and Brie looked great at the fitting I attended with her. I wonder how Seacrest will offend them?

Sly will look like a total babe.

What are your predictions?

 

Happy Oscars day everyone!

Hollywood’s night of nights is finally upon us and a new batch of recipients are about to be awarded one of the world’s highest honours – don’t even try and pretend that this isn’t true.

As I announced on Friday, I’m trying something new to Fame Hungry – the 88th Annual Academy Awards live blog, providing you with the insider gossip from an industry stalwart and close friend of 99% of The Academy.

I don’t mean to gloat or make you feel lazy, but this blogging effort will be amongst my numerous commitments for the day, which include but are not limited to, hosting the red carpet specials on E!, Bravo, ABC, Retirement Living, Dish Nation, The CW and Briz 31, styling Richard Wilkins’ hair for the Australian Today show, acting as Ruffalo’s double when the ceremony starts to drag, attending as Cate’s date and doctoring Chris’ script from the green room.

I will also be feuding with Gugu-B Rancid, but who isn’t?

So strap in and keep your mouse close to the refresh button as I take you inside the Oscars!

Image source: The Academy.