Fourth Boot

Brendan Shapear and Prosciutto Pizza

Main, Party Food, Pizza, Snack, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Ghost Island, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, the tribe swap but Malolo 5-4 deficit on both of the new tribes, filling Kellyn with joy and allowing a newly introduced castaway Bradley’s head to explode. Tragically he wasn’t cursed by Ghost Island, where Chris from new Naviti was sent to be humanised while his ex-Naviti chums plotted to jump across tribal lines and take out his ally Angela. Sadly for them, the Maloloans had different plans, flipping the script and taking out the more threatening Morgan … who willed her legacy advantage to Domenick on the way out.

Back at camp Dom was feeling upset by the blind side, as was Angela who they turned on. Dom and Wendell felt they were now enemies with everyone and with their backs against the wall, Dom finally shared the intell that he had a legitimate idol. Rather than the fake one he shared with everyone to make Chris even more suspicious.

The next day Dom discovered he had been willed the legacy advantage and vowed, wait for it, to reverse the curse.

Throwing us straight into the action, Probst returned for the first reward challenge of the season where the tribes had to fight over a ring, and hold both the ring and a pole at the same time. So, basically any given night. It was for PB&J, so all the OG Navitians quickly forgot about their shock at Morgan’s departure.

Chris and Wendell made quick work of father and son duo Michael and Brendan, Laurel and Angela scored another point for Naviti despite Jenna and Kellyn’s best efforts. Some nipple play from Sebastian and Bradley gave Malolo their first point over Domenick and James, though tragically that was as wild as things got as Laurel and Libby dominated Stephanie and Des, and secured reward for Naviti. Tragically they didn’t select who would go to Ghost Island and the Survivor Gods punished Kellyn for her fear, locking her in for a visit and returning her to camp in time for the next challenge … and potentially tribal council.

Arriving at Ghost Island Kellyn faced her fears of being alone head on. After a two week hiatus, Kellyn was giving the chance to play for an advantage … however given the precarious numbers advantage on Malolo, opted not to risk her vote at the next tribal council. The thought of making the wrong decision triggered memories of being blindsided in her personal life and completely changing everything, endeared her to me even more.

Back at Naviti the newly formed tribe were giddy while devouring their PB&J before Chris tried to get to the bottom of the last tribal council and how Morgan ended up going. Angela quickly filled him in on Dom and Wendell’s betrayal, with the two hightailing it to the Malolo 4 to lock in a six-person alliance and take them out. Dom and Laurel were not huge fans of the idea, preferring to work with Wendell and Dom because they like the former more. Laurel then made a beeline for Dom who filled her in on the idol and locked in an alliance while Donathan pulled in Wendell and TBH became couple goals.

Jiffy Pop returned for immunity where the tribes were required to swim out to a cage, release a chest, carry it across a bridge … open said chest and land the balls on a narrow ridge. Remember when Michaela dominated this challenge in Millenials vs. Gen X? Iconic. Anyway, Malolo got out to an early lead thanks to Michael and his partially see through jocks while Naviti couldn’t even get past the cage before Malolo made it into shore. Naviti continued to lag, allowing me plenty of time – as should you – to oggle the men in wet jocks. However out of nowhere Brendan started knocking balls off the ridge, giving Naviti the chance to catch-up and snag immunity. Much to the delight of Naviti, in particular Donathan who used the celebration as an excuse to plant an adorable peck on Chris’ cheek. Bless him, her is adorable.

Back at Malolo, the OG Maloloans were feeling dejected while Kellyn was thrilled to have trusted her gut at Ghost Island. Bradley on the flipside was feeling super smug and likened himself to dominant winners on day 12 and rubbing in her impending doom to Stephanie. Bradley then went off to rally his troops and confirm which sitting duck should be taken out, deciding that one of Michael or Brendan need to go. While Chelsea argued for Michael, Des made the case that Brendan is the person they wouldn’t assume Naviti would target and therefore he is exactly the person they should be targeting.

Down by the shore Michael and Brendan filled the girls in on their idol find, bringing Stephanie and Jenna to tears at the prospect of somehow taking out the douche-lord Bradley. Michael then assured them they would be taking out Bradley and that he would be pulling out James’ idol mid-way through tribal to spook someone into flipping.

At tribal council Sebastian confirmed their alliance would stick together, while Des couldn’t appear to read the room. Stephanie commenced the attack on Bradley, pointing out that he babysat everyone all day and didn’t give them the opportunity to find an in. Michael then joined the fray, pointing out that Chelsea and Sebastien were definitely on the bottom before Brendan jumped in and asked Sebastien if he truly believed jerk Bradley would take him, a likeable, strong, provider further in the game. While Bradley gave a robot we are equal, beep boop response, Stephanie quickly jumped in and questioned his sincerity. Sadly Kellyn quickly pointed out that they are at war so should be expecting them to try and sling mud.

Probsty tried to get Des’ opinion before Michael jumped in and presented his idol, telling the story that since James left with two in his pocket, this one now had the power to protect two people and he would be playing it tonight while Malolo would be voting Bradley. Feeling the heat Bradley returned to his favourite pastime and complained about his bad luck at them incorrectly identifying him as a mastermind. Probst and Michael then continued to prod Chelsea and Sebastien about making a big move and taking out Bradley, while old sour face got more and more anxious. Bless Kellyn, she tried as hard as she could to diffuse the situation while Michael proved that kids are hella manipulative these days.

Michael then played his idol, first for he and Brendan before reading the room and switching to Stephanie. Tragically that was the wrong move as old Naviti stuck together – probably shouldn’t have told them Bradley would go if the idol play was correct – and piled their votes on Brendan, sending my zaddy out of the game as the fourth boot.

Now I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist here, but it seems like oldies are all falling on reality TV shows this week, with Erin and now Brendan – similar to the double Morgan boots last week. I mean sure they both filmed at different times, but between that and my recent birthday I am really feeling the ageism at the mo, you know?

Anyway … Brendan is literally the sweetest man to walk the earth so wasn’t flipping out when he arrived at Loser Lodge. Which was kind of good because I was ropeable and if he didn’t talk me down I’d likely be banned from ever going to Fiji again. While it took me a while to calm down and I eventually got him to show some signs of disappointment, they disappeared immediately when he lay eyes on my Brendan Shapear and Prosciutto Pizza.

 

 

Sweet, earthy and salty, this pizza is so simple, yet do good. And better yet, looks hella impressive with absolutely no effort. None. Nada.

Enjoy!

 

 

Brendan Shapear and Prosciutto Pizza
Serves: 1 zaddy and his friends.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
⅓ cup passata
oregano and basil, roughly chopped, to taste
200g prosciutto, thinly sliced
2 pears, halved, cored and thinly sliced
2 tsp muscovado sugar
salt and pepper, to taste
1 cup mozzarella cheese, grated
balsamic vinegar, to taste

Method
Prep the bases as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Smear the bases with passata, sprinkle over the herbs and drape over the prosciutto. Toss the pears with the muscovado and place on top of the bases. Season with salt and pepper, sprinkle over the cheese and bake for twenty minutes or until golden and crisp.

Remove from the oven, lightly drizzle with balsamic vinegar and devour, in a melancholic fashion. Think how island hot Brendan would have been.

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Rhiyan Carrackers

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Baking, Side, Snack

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Liz and Rhiyan spent the episode having emotional breakdowns, with Liz struggling with life in the house and Rhiyan dealing with issues left over from her childhood. That led to her struggling at the photoshoot, as did Coura and Sandra. Liz however didn’t struggle with the shoot, however walked out of the competition due to the drama inside the house.

The remaining girls arrived at panel to discover than Liz had not just left to go sleep elsewhere, instead quitting the competition. While a quit generally mean everyone gets a reprieve, Tyra and Co. were there to inform them that they had no lucky stars to count as they still planned to eliminate someone at panel.

Shanice was first up, praised firstly for her improved attitude. And her ability to ad-lib in the acting challenge. And then for her killer photo, which also featured her new attitude. Poor Sandra’s wig owned the photo, Khrystyana was universally adored … even when trying to learn to say bitch.

Rhiyan shared that she was feeling like the other girls were overtaking her, and the judges felt the photo showed it. Rio looked amazing, Liberty was beautiful, Jeana was NLF – next level fierce, obvi – Erin’s flexibility was praised, Christina looked scary-amazing, Brendi K looked amazing and Kyla looked like she was waiting to be killed but was hella determined to look gorgeous.

Coura then kicked things off by announcing how scared she was during the shoot. Law and Drew smelt that blood in the water, immediately going in and tearing the photo apart.

My girl Khrystyana snatched best photo away from Jeana and Christina, before Coura and Rhiyan found themselves in the bottom two. While Rhiyan arguably had the better photo, Coura had more potential overall, sending Rhiyan out of the competition.

Poor Rhi – she seemed to be doing really well, but seemed to never be able to recover from her hair extensions. Thankfully Rhiyan Carrackers cure all that ails you.

 

 

At the risk of sounding like a moron, I didn’t realise that the water part of water crackers where highlighting that water crackers were essentially made of water. Water. I slotted that away in the back of my mind, and instead focussed on how delicious these little crackers are. Lightly spiced and perfectly fragile, they’re perfect for scoping up any ol’ dip.

Enjoy!

 

 

Rhiyan Carrackers
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
3 cups flour
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 ½ tbsp kosher salt
1 tsp freshly cracked black pepper
¼ cup olive oil
1 cup water

Method

Preheat oven to 225°C.

 

Combine the flour, sugar, salt and pepper in the bowl of a stand mixer and make a well in the centre. Add the oil and water, and stir with the dough hook until everything is wet. Transfer to said stand mixer, and mix with the dough hook for five minutes or so, or until coming together. The dough should be soft and sticky, so either add more flour or water, bit by bit, until you get the desired consistency.

 

Split the dough in two, and set one half aside.

 

Sprinkle some flour on a bench and roll the dough into a large 2-3mm thick rectangle. Cut the dough into cracker sized pieces with a sharp knife and place on a lined baking sheet. Prick the tops with a fork. Repeat the process with the remaining dough.

 

Transfer the baking sheets to the oven and bake for 10-15 minutes, or until they’re just starting to brown around the edges. Place them on a wire cooling rack and allow to cool completely, which will help make them crackier. Then devour, preferably with some Ivana Hummus.

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Truffllan Ball

Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Chrissy and Ben ran the show at the heroes tribe while Alan quickly threw his alliance with Ashley and JP away as quickly as he made the latter remove his pants. Swoon. Meanwhile the healers camp doubled as love island with Cole and Jessica trading as many kisses as they did secrets. Of course that meant shit was happening at the hustlers, where Lauren and Patrick continued to feud before the latter’s craziness lead to his (rump’s tragic) boot.

Wanting to get straight in on the action, Jeff returned for the first reward of the season where – wait a minute, I’ve been bamboozled! – he followed Alan’s lead and got everyone to drop their buffs. Yes peeps, it’s switchin’ time! New Levu was made up of feuding Ashley and Alan, Desi who we’re yet to meet, low-rent Tony and Devon, who is 90% torso. Roark welcomed Ryan, Ali, Chrissy and JP on to new Soko leaving Yawa to be made up of the lovebirds, Mike, Queen Lauren and Ben, screwing the latter two.

With that out of the way, the tribes were required to untangle a rope that they’re tethered to before pulling a sled full of puzzle pieces towards them and obviously, a puzzle, for PB&J and chips. Getting in the spirit of ABBA, Probst announced that the winner would be taking all today, leaving second and third to bond over their starvation. New Yawa got out to an early lead thanks to the dominant work of Lauren, Ben and Cole, with Soko following closely behind while Alan, Ashley and Joe struggled. Drastically. While they eventually caught up, Yawa continued to extend their lead and snatched those sambos from the other tribes.

Back at camp, new Yawa got to work celebrating their victory and devouring their bounty. While Cole got to work introducing himself, his girlfriend Jessica discovered a secret advantage hidden in her bag of chips, allowing her to block someone’s vote at the next tribal. If Yawa don’t attend, she then has the luxury of anonymously bequeathing said advantage to someone on the losing tribe, which is mighty powerful given the swap. She then took her news straight to Cole and Mike, with Cole deciding that the best thing to do was to take said information to Ben and Lauren to build trust … DESPITE THEM BEING THE TWO PEOPLE SHE WOULD USE IT AGAINST ON THEIR TRIBE. Bless those nips, that is a stupid decision.

Lauren obviously wasn’t feeling the decision, knowing he was trying to win them over and instead vowed to use that information against him. That is how you play you beautiful idiot, Cole.

Meanwhile over at new Soko, Roark was feeling overrun by outsiders being the only healer on the tribe. Being united, Ryan pulled Chrissy aside to confess the fact he gave her the super idol back in episode one. They then formed an alliance and are my new ship, Chryan?

Things on Levu were already looking dangerous, as Desi identified Devon as an easy target or swing vote in her upcoming war against Ashley and Alan. Little does she know, that Ashley is not thrilled to continue to live with Alan. While they pretended like everything was good, Desi and Joe got to work trying to convince Devon that they were his only option. Sadly for Joe, Devon didn’t seem to believe his (aggressive) lie that the ex-heroes approached them to get rid of him should they lose. Which we should all know by now, they will.

Back at Yawa Lauren and Ben got to work wooing Mike to their side, with Lauren asking whether he had heard anything about an advantage. She then outed knowing about it, sending Mike running out to the lovebirds – who were fishing on the reef – to see who spilled the beans. Despite denying it when Mike was around, Cole eventually came clean to Jessica hurting her in the process and making her question their relationship. While that is incredibly naive and innocent, she is adorable, I love her and I want to make her hot chocolate and watch rom coms together and cry.

Hearing I was suffering, Jeff returned for the immunity challenge where each tribe had to maneuver a tray of puzzle pieces through an obstacle course before unlocking more pieces and, obvi, completing the puzzle. Devon quickly stabbed his dick on the first obstacle, as Alan smashed the tray around, thankfully getting them an early lead. Yawa quickly caught up, leaving Soko to slowly fall out of the challenge. Thankfully Chrissy dominated the lock section of the challenge, leaving Levu to fall behind as Yawa dominated the puzzle and secured immunity followed closely by Soko.

New Levu quickly got to work scrambling for Devon’s affections, with Ashley taking him for a walk to the well where Joe’s lie was officially outed. While the heroes and hustlers alliance seemed locked, Desi spotted them hugging be the well and took the information to Joe who decided to get the votes directed towards him so that he can idol someone out of the game. He then went into camp and brought back Alan’s crazy eyes, as he got everyone to talk about who they should vote out, pissing everyone off. While Desi was heartbroken that he blew up their games, he told her that he came in strong to draw the target on him, which she informed him just makes it more obvious that he has the idol. Devon went to pack his back on the way to tribal where he discovered that Jessica gave him the advantage, begging the question, how does that benefit her fellow healers?

At tribal, Alan was quick to point out Joe had out-crazied both him and Patrick as he threw Ashley’s name on the block. Out of nowhere, Ashley gave a great summation of the situation, saying that he felt she was the easiest target and seemed to get that confused with her being the weakest link. Desi then mentioned that Joe’s madness pulled her under the bus with him – I assume it’s the same one that Kelley pushed Terry under – making her a target if anyone is paranoid about the idol. Devon then spoke about being the swing vote, before each side confirmed that they will not be budging.

Jeff then sent them off to vote when Devon put a stop to the proceedings, bringing out his advantage which, plot twist, was actually a disadvantage, with his vote being blocked and the two pairs left to go head to head. As the votes were about to be read, Joe pulled out his idol and used his psychic abilities by staring down Ashley to successfully play it for himself, sending Alan out of the game as the fourth boot.

As you know because of my friendships with the Culpeppers (and Brad, blerg), I’ve long been an NFL mainstay, which is where I met and fell in love with Alan Ball over our mutual passion for men dropping trou. While we haven’t caught up recently, he and I were both so grateful to have me in Fiji to dull his swap-fucked pain with a big batch of my Truffllan Balls.

 

 

Firstly, I would like to apologise for not taking any chopped nuts with me to Fiji – those babies would have been the perfect addition to the truffles, whilst also highlighting the nuttiness of Alan. In any addition, they’re rich and tasty … and as smooth and salty as his abs after 11 days on the island. In a good way.

Enjoy!

 

 

Truffllan Ball
Serves: 4-12, no judgement.

Ingredients
300ml double cream
350g dark chocolate, chopped
2 tbsp smooth peanut butter
1 tsp salt
cocoa powder or chopped roasted peanuts, for rolling

Method
Bring the cream to the boil in a small saucepan over a medium heat. Once hot, remove from the heat and whisk through the chocolate, peanut butter and salt until smooth. Allow to cool slightly before pouring into a lined baking tray and transferring to the fridge to set.

Once chill – unlike Alan on the island – and set – like his abs, though – grab a melon baller or two teaspoons and shape the ganache into balls before rolling in the cocoa or chopped nuts. Place on another lined tray and transfer to the fridge to set for half an hour before serving and/or devouring.

 

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Mark Herlaaroumi Fries

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Party Food, Side, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Australian Survivor, Locky and Tarzan had a post-challenge twist while Tara and Tessa faced off, I assumed to become the dominant T lady of the tribe. At Asaga, Jacry were controlling the tribe and plotted to throw the challenge, to get rid of Sam. Despite Henny’s best efforts, they ended up winning immunity, sending Samatu back to tribal where Tessa dug her hole so deep, I’m still shocked Kate was booted.

Samatau returned to camp where Tessa was completely shocked to still be alive in the game, thought was thankful slash confused to Tarzan, who saved her despite her aggressive performance at tribal. While she apologise to the tribe for her harsh words, she was sorry not soz and gave me serious Kat Dumont vibes and I am LIVING for it. Tara on the other hand, was not living for it.

The next day Jericho awoke confused as to what day it was before Luke spoke about how skinny he was, desperate for some luxury and or food. Wanting to cut Lukey’s grass, Sam tried to bond with Jericho, who spoke about his religion and the fact his Christian morals are not something he brought with him.

Over at Samatau Tessa was still shocked to still be in the game, with Tarzan confessing to her and Locky that he felt she deserved to stay and said she owed him nothing, seemingly genuinely, showing he is far more shrewd than people seem to believe. On the flipside – geddit? – Tara was still seething about the blow up, though approached Tessa by the shore to clear the air, knowing that she may need her one day soon. While it shows she is more aware than people give her credit for, Tessa was not buying it.

Not wanting to rehash the post drama any longer, JoJo arrived to lord over the reward challenge where he would release a shit tonne of coconuts into the ocean, where the tribes would have to race and collect them, ferry them back to the beach, collecting two tribe members along the way and shoot them at three targets. Given the fact it was for tea, coffee and spices, it was a serious challenge.

Both tribes strategised hard pre-game before Kent tried to win me over in his dickies. While Mark got out to an early lead for Asaga, Ziggy’s water polo skills shone, making extremely quick work of tossing the coconuts. Sadly Locky wasn’t great at balancing on the board, while fauxgi Henry’s balance allowed Asaga to overtake and pull away. Thankfully for my babe Locky, Samatau managed to close the gap while Asaga were getting their eye in and took out reward.

Back at camp, Samatu were on a high anticipating all the flavour to come. Wanting to put some icing on the cake that is their victory, Tarzan went out searching for fish when he stumbled across an option a temptation for cookies and firewood. While he battled with the weight of the dilemma, we checked in with Asaga where Luke was feeling guilty for losing the challenge where Jericho stumbled upon the same dilemma while searching for firewood. While his nips were on point, his reasoning was not, electing to take the secret food which is never a good option when it can so easily be found out, given the other tribe will obviously have the same option.

On the flipside, Tarzan continued to show his aptitude for the game, bringing firewood back to camp, showing them the note and pointing out what he gave up. Well played Tarzan, good luck navigating out of that Jericho. While his plan seemed ok in theory – using the cookies to build alliances – I don’t see it ending well offering Henry some cookies, and not Jacqui.

Over at Samatau, Tessa was still stressed out about being on the bottom of the alliance and approached Locky and Ziggy about saving her, which they felt wasn’t an option. Out of nowhere, Tarzan appeared to throw out the fact they need to target the weakest player, which is Anneliese, rather than Tessa. While they still weren’t receptive, Tessa knew that pushing it wasn’t a good idea and instead went idol hunting.

Jericho continued to act obnoxious about his cookie haul at Asaga, pulling Henry aside under the cover of darkness before enjoying a second round in the bushes with Luke. While he seemingly got away with the sneakiness, he did bury the jar in his shirt which you just know is going to be discovered. Hopefully.

Lil JoJo returned to the screens for the immunity challenge, where I’m hoping that Samatau can end their losing streak … and Locky can end his now two episode clothing streak, streaking and showing us his end. The challenge involved the tribes splitting into two teams, one finalising an obstacle course while the others ran the course without touching the ground. Samatau got out to an early lead with a rolling technique over the makeshift net obstacle. They then took a leaf out of the Parvati walking on two poles book, carrying each member across while balancing on only one. While Asaga caught up carrying the sandbags over the ladder, Samatau managed to close the gap just before Henry secured the third straight immunity for Asaga.

Tessa was not feeling confident arriving back at camp, so immediately darted off to search for an idol while the mega alliance of eight plus Tarzan reconfirmed that she was next to go. While she was having zero luck finding the idol, Tarzan went searching for it himself and quickly came up with the goods. He then approached Locky to let him know that he would join them in voting Tessa, making sure that they didn’t have a backup boot for a split vote. Locky found the exchange a bit awkward, though I’m not sure if he found it awkward enough for me to feel secure.

Continuing to work hard for Tessa, Tarzan approached AK and showed he and Tessa that he had the idol and wanted to take out one of the bigwigs of the alliance. Aka nude angel, Locky. After passing the idol straight on to Tessa, she got extremely emotional and grateful while Tarzan continued to work on AK to join them.

They arrived at tribal council where Jonathan was quick to point out that Ziggy and AK let the team down, before rubbing salt in Tessa’s bottom-of-the-alliance wounds. While Tessa pointed out that the mega-majority would eventually have to turn on themselves, Locky was quick to deflect the fact that he is in charge. Tessa once again gave an aggressive tribal council performance, while Jarrad kind of bumbled through the questions. Tara pointed out that Tessa chastised her for playing the game but is now imploring people to do the same, Anneliese felt Tessa and Tarzan wouldn’t be loyal to her if she flipped, Tarzan spoke about being loyal which Locky disagreed with, while AK tried to avoid giving away which way he would go, before hinting that Tessa may knock someone out that is not expecting it.

While it got a very smug reaction from Peter and Anneliese, their smiles quickly turned to frowns when Tessa pulled out the idol. The votes rolled in for Tessa, before Locky was startled to receive a vote … which thankfully was the only one he received, as the tribe rightfully split the votes between Tessa and Tarzan, sending the latter from the game like Rohan last year who gave up his idol to save Phoebe, only to get the boot.

While I love Tarzan, that is well played AK. As a lime farmer, Tarzan and I have been dear friends for years on account of the fact I used to be heir to the greatest fruit dynasty of Porpoise Spit inspiration, Tweed Heads.

I wasn’t sure how to feel to see Tarzan at loser lodge – I was disappointed in him for giving his idol to Tessa, thankful Locky lives to get nude another day, sad that he couldn’t work with my wet dream to go all the end … but ultimately thankful to smash some Mark Herlaaroumi Fries.

 

 

Fries are amazing, as is halloumi. Fries made out of halloumi? Well, that is a more of a wet dream than Locky.

Enjoy!

Oh, and the sauce is yoghurt, so don’t panic.

 

 

Mark Herlaaroumi Fries
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
½ cup Greek yoghurt
1 lemon, zested, then cut into wedges for serving
1 tbsp harissa
¼ cup mint leave, cut
75g plain flour
500g halloumi, cut into fries
olive oil

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the yoghurt, zest, harissa and half the mint in a bowl. Stir to combine, cover and place in the fridge to cool.

Place the flour in a bowl, toss through the halloumi and place on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with oil and bake for fifteen minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Remove from the oven, transfer to a dish, top with fresh mint and serve with the harissa yoghurt and lemon wedges. Devour, dripping in sauce.

 

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Meat Louvers McClintock Pizza

Baking, Main, Pizza, Survivor NZ: Nicaragua, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor New Zealand – which was a mere minute ago – Mogoton finally ended their losing streak, snatching a critical victory

Hermosa returned to camp and quickly spilled all the beans on Tony’s outburst at Shay, making the tribe question her trustworthiness which could prove her undoing come a merge. Shannon continued to prove that she is the smartest person in the game, thankful that Tony was gone as it is one less potential ally for Nate and Barb.

Back at Mogoton, Shay, Tom and Avi returned from the duel to discover that Lou was feeling sick and could barely stay conscious or move. By the time we find out she is having cold sweats, it became pretty obvious why the episode didn’t end with Izzy’s victory in the duel.

After a brief interlude with Shannon and Georgia sunbaking and discussing their dwindling supply of food and their potential hunger-induced losing streak, we returned to Mogoton where Matt and the medics finally arrived to confirm that the treatment for Lou’s septic foot wasn’t working.

Given that the doctor had zero idea about what was wrong with her, she was evacuated from the game leaving Mogoton to feel like they will never catch a break in the game … oh, and uncertain whether she would return.

Over at Hermosa, Shannon and Jak were down by the water discussing the massive divide between the five young kids and the two olds. Oh and the fact that they are running out of rice and don’t have fishing gear means they’re pretty fucked. Digging her hole even further, Barb popped on a pot of rice and then proceeded to forget about it and burn the minimal rice they had left.

Self-proclaimed comedian Jak then tried to lighten the mood or genuinely attempt humour by pretending to catch a pelican. I assume you’d have to be there?

Back at Mogoton, the tribe were extremely worried about how Lou was going … and then Avi decided to join my spank bank, doing yoga on the beach IN BRIEFS.

Give me a couple of minutes, ok?

Barb and Nate discovered a cheeky treemail at Hermosa, pondering whether now was the time for their tribe mates to throw the challenge and send them home. Which wouldn’t bother Barb as she’d rather go home now than make the jury and have to give one of them the win.

Matt assembled the tribes for the immunity challenge where Hermosa discovered that Lou was removed to be assessed by medical last night before announcing that she was too sick to continue and is officially out of the game.

He then told everyone to drop their buffs – I was sure he was going to say pants – and get ready for a swap … but that is a story for next week’s elimination, ok?

Given that my dear friend Lou is a farmer slash country girl and I have a blatant disregard for the opinions of medical professionals, I removed Lou from the hospital and whipped her up a healing and hearty Meat Louvers McClintock Pizza.

 

 

While she was gutted to perk up within the hour of eating, just after the doctor officially pulled her from the game she was thrilled to reconnect and have me there to make everything ok.

Plus – how do you go wrong with a shit tonne of meat and cheese on dough? You just can’t!

Enjoy!

 

 

Meat Louvers McClintock Pizza
Serves: 2-4.

Ingredients
pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)
passata or tomato paste, with a combination of herbs
1 onion, finely sliced
150g mushrooms, sliced
½ cup barbecue sauce
4 Italian sausages, cooked and sliced
100g leg ham, sliced
100g pepperoni, sliced
100g chorizo, sliced
chilli flakes (shock horror), optional
mozzarella cheese, grated

Method
Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

When the dough is ready to go, roll out two bases and slather each with the herby passata. Top with onion and mushrooms, drizzle over the barbecue sauce and scatter over the meat before drowning in a thick layer of cheese. Chuck them in the oven – colloquially not literally – and bake for about fifteen minutes, or until golden and bubbly.

The devour … though making sure not to burn your mouth on the cheese, lest you too want to be medically evacuated.

 

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Malcolm Freburger

Main, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Queen Sandra got to experience her first ever tribe swap where J.T. and Troyzan were royally screwed … but were saved by their new tribes winning immunity. While poor Hail and Caleb had to battle in their not-as-screwed-but-still-screwed state at tribal council, where Caleb found himself out of the game after the undisputed king of upcycling Brad Culpepper convinced Tai it was for the best.

We opened up back at Mana after tribal where Sierra and Brad apologised to Tai for having to boot his part-time lover and dear friend Caleb, over Hali. Sierra then kissed him, either deluded into thinking that would somehow make it better or trying to be his Fijian Aubry.

Who knows.

The next day Hali and Debbie bonded, with Hali hoping that by showing Debbie she is the best asset for Debbie to use going forward / to help get rid of Tai … who is still feeling salty about from their time in Kaoh Rong. On the flipside, Debbie added double agent to her resume as she confirmed that old tribal lines would hold out and Hali is the next to go.

Period.

Jeff arrived for the reward challenge for coffee … without me even mentioning how b-b-bangin’ Malcolm is looking. The man is clearly working overtime to be my number one and I both love and hate it.

Wanting to bring the excitement, Jeff announced it was a hero challenge with only two people competing for each tribe – gleefully one involving balls, poles and bags – leading to Troyzan blowing Ozzy’s huge … early lead and my love Malcs and the artist formerly known as fuck you Brad Culpepper securing victory for their tribes.

Back at Tavua, Troyzan was even more screwed than he was after last episode and Ozzy got back to his cocky Micronesia/South Pacific roots, talking about how he is carrying the tribe and providing for them. To his credit though, the man then caught a stingray and as Steve Irwin would tell you if he wasn’t murdered by one, those fuckers are dangerous.

Over at Nuku Sandra was feeling nice and confident in her position – though far more charming about it than a lucky to be alive Ozzy – while J.T. and Malcolm got together to discuss taking out Sandra due to her complete control and the fact that she truly is the most threatening player out there.

Lucky Malcs is a babe, or I’d be angry.

Seriously … I call Malc a babe and like that, immunity is back up for grabs and Probst is on my screen! Clearly salty about the situation, he then announced that only one tribe would be winning immunity and the remaining tribes would both be attending tribal council.

Finally – a double tribal episode that makes sense. Three tribes, one winner, double tribal … this is the only fair format, Probst!

Earning even more points the challenge involved blindfolds, yanking on chains until you got drenched and a whole lot of ball play. Kinky af, and I like it. Despite an early lead for Nuku poor Varner dropped his load – and broke down, breaking my heart – while Andrea’s advanced ball skills saved Tavua from tribal council … where the two tribes would join together to vote out one.

Like a fucked up version of the spiceys. I take back my praise from two pars ago. I mean, good twist … but you’ve got 20 castaways and will need a double boot and this actually makes sense.

Back at camp, Nuku were feeling calm given their numbers advantage over Mana. But as Malcolm said, it is only simple on paper. Everyone started throwing out names with Sandra Diaz-Twine targeting her initials twin Sierra Dawn-Thomas as the least likely to have an idol, J.T. suggesting Tai … and then having a side conversation with Malcolm about how Brad would hopefully vote Sandra and they could flip to get her out.

Over at Mana, Brad was concerned about Hali’s loyalty to new-Mana, while they debated the merits of booting either Sandra or Malcolm. Knowing they’d be screwed otherwise, Tai got busy destroying foliage in search of another idol … which he successfully found.

He returned to camp to tell his tribemates – minus Hali – where Sierra felt it appropriate to cut Caleb’s grass AGAIN (seriously, he was booted just an episode ago) and kiss Tai.

With the underdogs having a fighting chance we arrived at tribal council where Brad got his Charlton Heston on and started talking guns, before Sandra joined the party and said all their guns were on one person. Debbie mentioned then joined the fray and mentioned that they used to be close with J.T. to which Sandy mentioned used to as the key part of that sentence.

There was talk about threats on each tribe, Sandra was trying to bluff about an idol, Brad mentioned Hali flipping was suicide to which Hali got annoyed and felt like they weren’t really trying to make her feel safe.

And I feel like this is where it started to get insane with the side whispering which lead to J.T. getting out of his seat, walking over to Brad and whispering that Brad was safe and Sierra was getting the votes. Royally pissed, Hali marched over to old-Mana-now-Nuku and gave them her intel, trying to flip their vote to Brad.

It was madness and I still don’t know exactly what happened but their were huddles and side huddles, Jeff trying to get the tribes to vote to which Hali refused to try and help her old tribe stay together, before then changing her mind when they wouldn’t listen and walking off to vote without Probst’s intro.

It. Was. Insane.

Then tragedy struck. Brad told Tai to use his idol on Sierra, who all of new-Nuku had voted for, resulting in Malcolm being axed by the new-Mana … and J.T.’s second worst move of his Survivor career. While Malc was disappointed as he arrived at loser lodge, I was absolutely livid, flying around the room like Blanche, mid-breakdown in Streetcar.

Now I don’t want to shade my love Jiffy-Pop Probst or throw about claims of jealousy of my throbbing crush on Malcolm … but how could they line up this twist and think it wasn’t going to end this way? Poor Malcolm was not felled by Sierra and Tai’s idol at a jaw-dropping tribal, but rigga morris by Jeff concerned about my weekly Malc-erotica fan-fiction.

Thankfully we had each other – and oh (in maybe just my mind) did we have each other – and a shit tonne of hella comforting Malcolm Freburgers.

 

 

Full disclosure, these babies are a hybrid of the many different In’n’Out Animal Style Double Double copycat recipes available online … because like Malcolm, In’n’Out are the absolute best and you want them to fill you up on the daily. Multiple times.

Simple, fresh and an absolute classic … these will become a staple of comfort eating menu. And are perfect for the man who was absolutely screwed by a shitty twist as hard poor Michelle Yi … back in OG Fiji.

Enjoy!

 

 

Malcolm Freburger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1kg beef mince
salt and pepper
vegetable oil
2 onions, diced
¼ cup mayonnaise
2 tbsp ketchup
1 tbsp sweet pickle/gherkin relish
½ tsp champagne vinegar
4 hamburger buns
American mustard
pickles
iceberg lettuce, shredded
1-2 tomatoes, sliced
8 slices American (or any high-melt) cheese

Method
Squeeze as much liquid out of the mince as possible and place in a large bowl. Add a generous whack of salt and pepper and combine with your hands. Divide into 8 patties, place on a plate lined with cling, cover and place in the fridge for about an hour or so.

Heat a lug of oil in a small pan and cook onions over low heat for half an hour, or until golden and caramelised. Add water as you need to avoid them catching on the bottom and burning.

Set aside.

Combine the mayo, ketchup, relish and vinegar in a jug. Cover and place in the fridge.

Heat a large pan or griddle and brush with vegetable oil. Half the buns and light toast, split side down (obviously). Transfer to a plate and spread the base with some special sauce. The actual special sauce and not Malcolm’s, though …

Lay a couple of slices of tomato on the sauced up bun and top with some lettuce.

Brush the pan with some more oil, if needed, and when searingly hot place the patties on the pan, pushing down with a spatula until they are roughly 1cm thick. Squeeze some mustard on the top and cook for a few minutes. Flip the patties, top with a slice of cheese and cook for a further minute.

Place two patties on each bun, top with some caramelised onion, drizzle seductively with more special sauce and top with the other side of the bun.

Serve with fries, animal style … aka covered with any excess onion, sauce and some American cheese.

Devour.

 

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Lucy Huangs

Main, Party Food, Poultry, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Ken. Ken was a babe.

Oh and Hannah lacked basic social awareness, David found an idol and the newest cast member Lucy, joined the underdogs – aka Kengel and friends – with Sunday and Jessica and blindsided Paul.

Obviously we arrived back at camp with the olds where Chris developed some sass as Jess tried to explain the situation. For those keeping tracking, Jess was like Hannah … but fractionally more aware. Then the biggest twist ever on Survivor happened, with Lucy getting a confessional before cornering Chris and Bret (and his cahrds) about joining forces to take out Jess.

Meanwhile the kids – millennials and literal baby goat – were playing around camp before Adam found a clue to the hidden immunity idol and I think cried. I didn’t have much time to figure it out as before I knew it, we ended up in the middle of the ocean for my favourite – and most sexually aggressive – reward challenge with Jiffy Pop.

To make it more exciting than the usual ball play, the tribes had to go for the ring and pull each other offover to their pole. As is usually the case, the challenge was completely insane, with Chris trying to dislocate Jay’s shoulder, Taylor awkwardly screamed at people, Ken was dreaming and dominant … but let’s be honest despite the millennials loss, the winner of this challenge was Michaela who took her top off to win the point.

Oh and wave that wiped out Jeff Probst. You know what that was? Mother nature giving you life.

We followed the kids back to camp where everyone, rightly, was congratulating Michaela for getting out the girls before Adam actually found the idol and proceeded to break our hearts as he broke down about his mother’s terminal lung cancer. I may be the worst but Adam still completely broke my heart.

Back at the olds, Lucy continued to leap into the spotlight wandering around camp telling everyone what to do. It pissed off Kengel and that is more than enough for me. To quote everyone’s favourite drug cheat Crystal Cox – forget you, go home, goodbye.

Before I got the chance to tell her to eat her rice, we arrived at the immunity challenge which involved some obstacles, a window washing cage and a word puzzle where after reminding me Michelle existed, the millennials managed a come from behind win.

The olds arrived back at camp to commence scrambling, where Chris and Lucy  opted to target Jess – maybe to help her get her eyes sorted – while The Hottie and the Nottie wanted to take out the newest dictator Lucy. But don’t worry about me calling her that, she likes to be hated. Jess then ran to Lucy to spill the beans to the person targeting her, much to Kengel’s chagrin. David then started talking about the idol and I was crazy confused by the time we arrived at tribal.

Bret and Chris were still salty from the last tribal before Lucy then started to chastise Kengel again – of course Jeff was going to defend our man, #ThroupleGoals – before Kengel gave Jess the ultimate smackdown for not trusting him … via stare.

David then decided to take centre stage and make a questionable move by playing his idol on Jessica, negated the five votes against her and sending my dear, cantankerous Lucy to my loving arms at loser lodge.

You know how I am insanely talented, successful and famous? Yeah – I owe all of that to my dear friend and militant life coach, Lucy. When I couldn’t be bothered doing an assignment, Lucy was there to berate me into completing it. When I was missed deadlines, she was there smacking me across the back of the head until my writer’s block passed.

I fucking love her. As much as we both love my Lucy Huangs.

 

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With more bite than everyone’s – outside of her family – tiger mum, this wings are everything you want when you’re feeling down. Mainly because the kick of heat and the delicate chicken are the perfect accompaniment for booze.

Plus, they are crazy messy which you just know would piss off Lucy /  send you into an existential crisis about how much of a disaster you are after that second bottle of wine is opened.

Just me? Cool. Enjoy!

 

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Lucy Huangs
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1kg chicken wings, tips removed with drumettes and flats separated
salt and pepper, freshly ground
¾ cup cornflour
2 tbsp unsalted butter, melted
½ cup Frank’s hot sauce
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper

Method
Preheat oven to 200°C.

Grab the wings out of the fridge for about 30 minutes to take the chill out. While that is happening, combine the cornflour with a good whack of salt and pepper in a large bowl. Once the wings are less chill, toss them in cornflour mix and place on a wire rack set over a lined baking sheet. Drizzle with oil and chuck them in the oven to bake for about 45 minutes, or until golden and crispy.

Meanwhile, melt the butter in a small saucepan over low heat and whisk in the hot sauce, cayenne and a good whack of salt and pepper until combined. Remove to a large enough bowl for coating purposes.

When the wings are done, remove them from the oven, toss through the sauce and devour, slathered in blue cheese dressing.

 

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Peter Friegands

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor we welcomed Mr G to the loser lodge room after all tribe’s volunteers chose to deceive their tribes for a clue to the hidden immunity idol and Rohan – again, the swimsuit model – lost the clue amongst his own idol.

We once again opened on the ailing Aganoa where Kat – again, spokesmodel for Resort Report – was thankful to once again escape the boot. Thankfully she knew where to place the praise, on my new Kween Phoebe.

After a run down of the web Pheebs is spinning, we dropped by the OG Kween Kylie’s tribe where Peter was once again firmly on struggle street. We quickly checked in on Vavau where Craig was organising Yum Cha for lunch where Nick was trying to get himself back into Craig’s good graces. Hint Nick, give him a pork bun and a wonton and I think he’d forgive you.

Back on Aganoa, Rohan continued to wear more clothes than most underwear models while looking for the idol. Needless to say, this was making me very sad. Thankfully he found the idol and I can live in hope that we’re in for a tonne of bulge discussion like the US version.

Either way, Pheebs is also growing tired of Rohan. I assume for the same reasons, the thirst is real.

Meanwhile over at Saanapu, Peter’s Osten Taylor arc took a turn for the Janu where he committed to finding the idol for Kylie before falling on his sword before we were treated to my favourite editing move, highlighting how close the castaways are to the hidden immunity idol while desperately searching. It gives me life.

Back on Vavau we got a bit more context as to why Craig was ordering out as they haven’t had fire for three days, after destroying their flint. Knowing that I was close to turning on the tribe and laughing hysterically at their flailings, Kate opened up about her near death experience, emerging as my latest favourite. For those playing along, I really like a strong female castaway.

My previous new favourite castaway – Phoebe – was meanwhile struggling with Rohan’s potential betrayal after keeping the idol for himself, despite agreeing to give it to her.

After so much drama, my Jojo made his way back to the screen for the immunity challenge where Vavau experienced a massive come from behind to once again win immunity – well came in second – sending Aganoa back to their second home, tribal council.

Once back at camp Phoebe got to work playing the role of the godfather, filling me with both pride and giddiness as she threatened Rohan, threw him under the bus with Lee and lulled him into a false sense of security before…

Oh wait, now we’re at Saanapu begging the question – Miley, what’s good? As far as Peter was concerned, absolutely nothing and after being sick and not eating for two weeks, he quit the game leaving Kylie as an island sans idol.

We quickly bounced back to Aganoa at tribal council where after stirring the pot, Jonathan announced that with Petey’s quit they didn’t have to go through with the vote meaning we won’t know who’s throat Phoebe was going to cut next. I am not as confident as Kat that she would have gone – oh well, we’ll find out tomorrow when they lose the next immunity challenge, right?

I was very shocked to see Pete arrive at Loser Lodge while it was still daylight outside and I was well into my afternoon drinking session – where Jojo feeds me grapes before he has to dart off to tribal. I first met Pete in the 90s while working as an air traffic controller together, I was quickly fired when it was discovered that I neither had the required skills for the job nor the care for focussing on the public’s safety.

While I was cast out of the community, Pete took me under his wing and has tried to encourage me to live a better life. He may not have had much success with making me a better person but he clearly did enough for me to pick up on the fact he was desperate for my Peter Friegands after his quit.

 

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Sour, sweet and a delicately robust, these babies are the perfect thing to bring you back to health after two weeks shuttling towards death on an island. So obviously, enjoy!

 

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Peter Friegands
Makes: 12.

Ingredients
160g unsalted butter, melted and cooled, plus extra to brush
100g plain flour, plus extra
200g icing sugar, plus extra to dust
125g almond meal
6 egg whites
1 lemon, zested finely
1 cup raspberries

Lemon icing
180g icing sugar, sifted
juice of the aforementioned lemon

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Prepare the friand pan by brushing it with a little melted butter, dust with a little flour and shake out the excess.

Sift the dry ingredients together into a large bowl.

Meanwhile place the egg whites in a small bowl and lightly whisk with a fork until frothy. Fold through the dry ingredients, followed by the melted butter and lemon zest and then finally the raspberries.

Divide the batter evenly amongst the holes and bake for about 20 minutes, or until golden and an inserted skewer comes out clean – you know the drill! Allow them to cool in the pan for about five minutes before turning out onto a wire rack to cool.

While they cool, mix together the icing sugar and the juice. When the friands are hella chill, drizzle generously with the icing and devour, happily.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.