Dough

Pizza Bianca Anderson

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Party Food, Snack, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor, we were introduced to the 24 castaways including Kat brand rep for Trent Resort, while Conner mistook The Hunger Games for a period piece rather than a film set in the dystopian future and Des offended everyone on his tribe on his way out the door for a cafe latte.

We opened back up after Aganoa’s first tribal council where Kristie decided to channel Abi-Maria and accuse the entire tribe of theft. As yet though, no one is dead to her.

Over on Saanapu aka Kylie and the lessor people, Bianca used her intelligence experience to break down the relationships on the tribe and I think alluded to throwing the challenge. So using Survivor logic, see you later Bianca?

Off topic though, wouldn’t Kylie and Sue be the best possible final two? The answer is yes, even though the question is rhetorical. Back at Aganoa, Kristie continued her play for Australia’s Abi-Maria before El stepped in, comforted her and took her under her wing and worked her way into my heart/dream final three with Sue and Kylie.

When we finally checked in with Vavau where Craig introduced us to Barry – who may or may not have been present in the premiere – and we learnt that like Des they aren’t fans on lattes, preferring flat whites instead.

Also they are still struggling to get fire with flint. Somewhere Becky and Sundra were crying into a pile of used matches.

Back with Kylie’s Krew we discovered that Peter was on struggle street and making a play to be the Osten Taylor of Australian Survivor, before zigging when I thought he would zag and slipping on the rocks like Day 39 Aras.

Seriously, Ten … unpredictable.

We then checked in with Jon Jon at the immunity challenge where sadly there was still a decided lack of sexual innuendo. I mean, bring us some balls and Probst-esque smut if you want a hit Ten!

It was a tight fought race but after a major comeback from Lee channeling Boston Rob in Heroes vs Villains and the girls on Vavau channeling Lee playing cricket, Saanapu lost the challenge and wound up at tribal council.

While there was a bit of a misdirect with Petey trying to fall on his sword, we were thankfully treated to our first blindside of the season with Bianca making her way off the island as the second boot.

Poor Bianca was victim of trying to make a move too soon, sadly not utilising the tactical training we both completed while working as intelligence operatives. Did you really think i’d know her any other way?

Binks was crazy upset to be the first one out of her tribe but having a dear old friend like me there to comfort her dulled the pain. Admittedly my Pizza Bianca Anderson probably had a whole lot to do with that.

 

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Despite being the perfect definition of biege, this pizza is anything but – the woodiness of the rosemary and sweetness of the onion meld perfectly with the sharp cheeses. So simple, yet so perfect – enjoy!

 

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Pizza Bianca Anderson
Serves: 1 despondent second boot.

Ingredients
1 pizza base, use Zsa Zsa’s recipe darling
125g ricotta cheese, crumbled
75g mozzarella cheese, cubed
75g provolone cheese, cubed
⅓ cup grated parmesan cheese
2 garlic cloves, thinly sliced
1 tbsp finely chopped fresh rosemary leaves

Method
Preheat oven to 200°C.

Prepare the base as per the recipe and then smear it with the ricotta and top with the mozzarella, provolone, parmesan, garlic and rosemary.

Whack it in the oven and bake for 15-20 minutes or until it is golden and molten. Devour quickly to eat your feelings.

 

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Kanyebullar

Baking, Bread, Cake, Dessert, Sweets

In the wise words of my dear friend Kanye and I, that that that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger. Oh, haven’t I mentioned I co-wrote Stronger? Well I did but then Kans changed it to be more his style and stole it for himself – I leant my version to Lena Dunham (who I must catch-up with soon) for Marnie’s triumphant performance after crashing Charlie’s party.

Anyway, documenting 200 celebrity catch-ups has been hard work – what with the jetting around, traveling through time and the emotional drain of making so many amends – but it has been so rewarding and has only made me stronger.

If that is possible.

I am so thankful that you’ve joined me in this journey. I mean, I’m not at all surprised by my success given the fact that my friends are A-list and I am arguably more talented than Boomer Phelps’ is cute / successful at the 2032 Olympic Games but I am thankful that you’ve taken the time to support me.

Better start talking about Kanye, lest I want to start a new feud.

To mark my momentous 200th catch-up, I gave Kan a call knowing that no one – living or dead – would be as self-important enough to help me celebrate such an honour! I mean, after banging Skarsy for my 50th and gossiping with the best Knowles (sorry Kanye) for my 100th, I really needed to up the ante, spectacle-y speaking.

I first met Kanye in the 80s while running a professor scam at Nanjing University. Kans’ mum was teaching at the uni and offered her son to act as my language tutor. While I generally don’t respond well to authority figures, I quickly bonded with Kanye over our love of music.

Despite being run out of Nanjing after the uni learnt that I wasn’t a teacher and nor could I speak Chinese, we stayed in contact and have been making beautiful music ever since.

While Kanye was still a bit sore about it taking so long to catch-up, I was able to quickly win him back with the reminder that I introduced him to his dear wife Kimmy.

Oh and he is an absolute fiend for a big ole Kanyebullar.

 

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Now I know that technically these beauties aren’t pronounced like Kanye, the spelling and grandeur of the man and the rolls mean that you have to overlook that fact. Ok?

And yes, that is a threat.

It is a fact universally acknowledged/assumed that Kanye is a man that loves a big ole bun (see Kim breaking the internet and the fact I am referred to as Benny from the Block) and these treats prove it. Spicy, soft and oh-so-sweet, they melt in your mouth and leave you wanting more.

More, more … which is what we’ll give you – thanks for the support these last 200 catch-ups!

Enjoy!

 

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Kanyebullar (adapted from an SBS recipe)
Makes: a shit tonne (aka 24-32, depending on how you chop it … literally).

Ingredients
175g unsalted butter, chopped
2 cups milk
7g sachet active dry yeast
125g caster sugar
1 tsp salt
2 tsp ground cardamon
6 cups plain flour

Cinnamon butter
150g unsalted butter, chopped at room temperature
⅔ cup caster sugar
2 tbsp ground cinnamon
2 eggs
pearl or raw sugar, to sprinkle

Method
Melt the butter in a saucepan over low heat. Remove from the heat, add the milk, stir to combine and leave to cool to just under 40°C. Stir in the yeast, sugar, salt and cardamon, and leave to foam for about five minutes.

Transfer the liquid to a large bowl of an electric mixer and slowly add the flour, stirring by hand with the dough hook. When it is starting to come together, attach the dough hook and turn the mixer on medium speed until smooth, a couple of minutes.

Remove the dough to an oiled (second) large bowl, cover with a tea towel and leave to prove until doubled in size, about an hour and a half.

While it is proving, mash the butter in a bowl and combine with the sugar and cinnamon until smooth.

Preheat the oven to 225°C.

Once the dough is ready, knock it back, turn it out onto a floured bench and roll it out until it is a large ½cm rectangle. Smear – who doesn’t love a good smear, amirite – the cinnamon butter very liberally over the top and roll the dough lengthways to form a long cylinder.

Slice the cinnamon, doughy sausage in half, half again … and half again, and half again (or just evenly, depending on how tall you want them to be) until you reach the magic number – I prefer mine to be fat, so cut the 8 into 3 to make 24.

Place each disc in a flattened paper cupcake and leave them to sit, a couple of centimetres apart on baking sheets. When they are all lined up, cover with a tea towel and allow to prove a further 30 minutes.

When they are ready to roll – pun obviously intended – whisk the eggs and brush the buns before coating liberally with sugar.

Bake for 10 minutes or until golden and glorious. Then devour, they are amazing warm.

And thanks again for the support!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Tamale Cyrus

Main

Full disclosure, I forgot corn husks. Then I drowned the dough. Then I burnt my hands. Then I opted for a deconstructed ta … I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let me take you back – picture it, my kitchen, yesterday. My girl, staunch Vegemite fan Miley Cyrus, dropped by after requesting a catch-up.

Having played such an integral role in Annelie’s departure, Miles and I have been in close contact most of the year however she has been too scared to get too close to the scene of the crime. Thankfully Hiddleswift are in town stealing the limelight and showing their true colours, so Miles thought it was time to catch-up and make sure Annelie’s studying-medicine-to-cure-her-ailment was going well.

Miles dropped by after spending the day with Annelie and was disheartened by the fact that her selective amnesia seems here to stay … but was pleased that the silver lining is that she will be a doctor and will hopefully lack enough morals to give us an endless supply of pointless prescriptions and fraudulent medical certificates.

You win some, you lose some I guess.

Either way, we opted out of having a friendly cage fight and instead gabbed about our Hemsworths – he’s Thor? I’m so thor I can barely shi … nevermind – discussed our dear Dolly and reminisced about the wondrous time of our lives that was Hannah Montana (she is unaware I had an affair with Billy Ray while working on the set – don’t tell her).

As I alluded to up front, this week’s meal didn’t go to plan. I wanted something fun, spicy and comforting – not knowing how she’d take Annelie’s continued amnesia – so I went with her fave, my Tamale Cyrus.

Then my forgetfulness – do I also have amnesia – laziness and patience got in the way (read: I bought mince instead of pork butt and forgot corn husks to wrap them), resulting in a deconstructed Tamale Cyrus. But the thing is, I actually loved them!

 

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I mean sure, there is nothing better than wrapping your meat in some warm pillowy dough … but sometimes it is just as satisfying to slap it on top of said dough and slather it in your special sauces.

Enjoy – you know I did!

 

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Tamale Cyrus
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
Meat
vegetable oil
2 onions onion, finely chopped
6 cloves garlic, minced
1kg pork mince
¼ cup chili powder
2 tbsp salt
1 tbsp pepper
1 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp smoked paprika
2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp ground cumin
3 cups chicken stock
1 jalapeno pepper, minced (removed the seeds if you don’t like heat)

Corn(flat)bread
5 cups cornmeal
1 ½ tbsp salt
1 tbsp baking powder
200g unsalted butter
cooking broth

Method
Heat a lug of oil over medium heat in a large, deep pot and saute the onions and garlic for a couple of minutes. Add the meat, breaking up with a spoon as you go – if you accidentally buy mince, dems the breaks – and cook until lightly browned.

Add the spices and jalapeno and cook for a minute, to release the flavours. Then, add the stock, crank up the heat and bring to a boil. Once it is getting lively, reduce the heat to low and simmer for about an hour.

Once everything has literally simmered in its juices, remove from the heat and allow to cool slightly.

Preheat the oven to 180C.

Once cooled, strain off the liquid from the meat and leave the meat to rest while you cook the bread.

See why real pork would have been better than mince? Nigella once told me to embrace the failures though, so I’m making it work!

Anyway, combine the dry cornbread ingredients in a large bowl. Using your hands, rub through the butter until it resembles wet sand on a terrible beach with mega coarse sand. Once combined, gradually add the stock while stirring until the dough is thick and moist – how good is that word, moist, MOIST – but not wet. Trust your judgement, not mine.

Press the dough into a large baking sheet – like one you’d use for making cookies – until it is a smooth 5mm layer and bake for 10-20 minutes, or until golden and cooked but not to hard. Again, use your judgement – Miley and I were pretty wasted at this point so it may have taken anywhere from 5 minutes to 6 hours – you want it to be soft yet squishy, like a polenta chip.

Once it is what you would deem ready, carve the bread into squares, place one on your plate, top with your meat and then top with another piece of dough. Who doesn’t love their meat in a sandwich?

Then top with guac, sour cream and more chilli sauce if you need it. Or not … but who doesn’t love a special sauce?

Also, sorry – I won’t cook drunk again for a few weeks. Promise.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Pork Bunedict Cumberbatch

Main, Party Food, Snack

I hate to admit when I am wrong, but it turns out that my tentative friend Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t “the worst thing to come into this world, an abomination to those that call themselves actors and a right prat to boot,” which I was quoted as saying in the Page Six after being ejected from a party with Ramona Singer and her duelling, multi-directional eyes.

Even more than that, I hate to admit that he is actually bloody charming and I have high hopes for his contribution to the MCU.

But mostly, I hate the way I don’t hate him. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all … anymore. Plus – now I think he is oddly babin’.

Yep – I’m officially a (tentative) Cumberbitch!

While our date obviously started awkwardly, with me listing in excess of 638 things that I’d done to him that required an apology, he took it all in good spirits. I don’t know if he is one of those people that doesn’t register that I’m being deadly seriously when saying something horrible, extremely naive or just *shudder* nice, but he viewed some of my nasty comments as if I was joking about having said them and got straight into discussing how to forge a positive relationship moving forward.

Benno recently wrapped filming on Doctor Strange so there was much to discuss about how the film will impact the broader universe … and more importantly, my future role in it as a male Pepper Potts-esque love interest.

Given our history of hate, I didn’t want to invest my time in crafting a recipe for him – what if the date went south, you know – so I borrowed a recipe from my new favourite blog The Woks of Life and repurposed it as a Pork Bunedict Cumberbatch.

 

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I have an obsessive addiction to BBQ Pork Buns however they’ve always been something I am terrified to make, then I discovered The Woks of Life and they seemed far less daunting.

Plus, if I fucked them up I didn’t have a relationship with Benny to ruin. Then. Now I do, I guess.

It feels so weird to think that we’re now friends – enjoy!

 

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Pork Bunedict Cumberbatch
Makes: 10.

Ingredients
BBQ Pork
1.3kg pork shoulder
2 tbsp raw caster sugar
1 tsp salt
½ tsp five spice powder
1 tsp paprika
¼ tsp white pepper
1 tbsp sherry
1 tbsp tamari
½ tsp sesame oil
2 tsp hoisin sauce
2 tsp tomato paste
2 tsp molasses
1 tbsp oil
3 cloves minced garlic
1 tbsp hot water

Dough
7g sachet dry yeast
¾ cup warm water
2 cups plain flour
1 cup corn flour
5 tbsp sugar
¼ cup vegetable oil
2 ½ tsp baking powder

Filling
1 tbsp vegetable oil
⅓ cup finely chopped shallots
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 ½  tbsp oyster sauce
1 tbsp sesame oil
2 tsp tamari
½ cup chicken stock
2 tbsp flour
1 ½ cups diced Chinese roast pork, from above

Method
BBQ Pork
Cut the pork into long, thick strips. Combine the remaining ingredients in a large, shallow/dish and remove a couple of tablespoons of sauce for later before adding the pork. Give it a good rub down to coat the meat in the marinade, yes it is a little disgusting but there is something about it that is so visceral and connects you to your meal – hello, energetics. Obviously you could just stir it with a spoon too – either way, when you’re done, cover it and place it in the fridge overnight.

Preheat your oven to 250C.

Line a large sheet pan with foil and place a metal rack on top. Lay the pork on the racks, leaving space around each strip and place on to the highest rack of the oven. Leave any excess marinade in the bowl for basting.

After about 20 minutes, flip the pork and baste with excess marinade and add water to the bottom of the sheet pan to prevent burning or smoking from the drippings.

After a further half an hour, turn on the grill and allow the pork to crisp on the outside and add some colour. This should take only a couple of minutes – do not walk away, lest you want to set of the fire alarm.

Remove from the oven, baste the pork with the sauce you reserved the day before and allow to rest for about 15 minutes.

Buns
In the large bowl of an electric mixer, dissolve the yeast into the water and allow to rest until it is foamy and glorious.

While that is frothing away, sift the flour, cornflour and sugar together. When the yeast is ready, add the flour and oil.

Using a dough hook, turn the mixer on to the lowest setting and leave to knead for about 5 minutes or until a small ball is formed. Place in a large oiled bowl, cover with a damp cloth and allow to prove for 2 hours.

While the dough is working on proving itself to you, get to work on the meat mixture. Heat the oil in a large pan over medium high heat, when it is nice and hot, add the onion and stir-fry for a minute. Reduce the heat to low and add the sugar, soy, oyster sauce, sesame oil and tamari. Give it a quick stir and allow to cook until it is bubbling before adding the stock and flour. Cook for a further few minutes or until starting to thicken. Remove the pan from the heat and add the chopped pork, stirring to combine. Set aside to cool.

After the dough has made something of itself, return it to the bowl of the mixer, add the baking powder and knead it again on the lowest setting until it is smooth again, adding water a teaspoon at a time if it looks too dry. Trust your gut here people, I did. Cover with a damp cloth and leave to rest for 15 minutes.

While resting, cut out ten 10x10cm squares of baking paper and add water to the steamer and bring to the boil.

When ready, roll the dough out into a long tube and divide into ten pieces. Flatten each piece into a 12cm diameter disc, leaving more dough towards the centre, add a good chunk of the filling and bring the dough together to close the bun at the top. Place on a square of parchment and repeat the process until all done.

Steam the buns for 12 minutes over high heat, three of four at a time depending on the size of your steamer, making sure the water does not touch the buns.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Shannen Doughertynuts

Baking, Dessert, Donna Martin graduates, Party Food, Snack, Sweets

I know what you’re thinking, how do you celebrate Donna Martin’s graduation without Donna herself, Tor-Spell? A) We’ve caught up recently, b) she was busy walking her goat around the Hills and c) you can’t celebrate with the 90210 cast without a famed Don-Da book-end, and yes I mean emotionally and sexually.

You may also be concerned about the lack of Cataractis however in my defense, she is busy leading the Screen Actor’s Guild – we’ll catch-up again soon (I need to find a way to sucker her into getting my membership reinstated).

So despite mentioning I met Helen Hunt on the set of Twister, that is wrong / a bald-faced lie. I had a job working as SJP’s assistant (after meeting on Annie) on Girls Just Wanna Have Fun but connected with Shan over our extremely volatile tempers. She was feuding with Hells at the time, so I pretended not to know her when we “met” on the set of Twister.

Like me, Shan is a girl with a bad, angry, aggressive reputation … but deep down, she is human and she needs to be loved. And to me, she is just an absolute sweetheart! Given our rage blackouts we felt it was a no-brainer for us to join together to help each other through anger management.

After sorting out her rage in the mid-80s (despite what the tabloids and cast changes of Bev Hills and Charmed would have you believe), I introduced her to my #1 shopping buddy Winona Ryder leading to her role in Heathers. And then, obviously, 90210 – seriously Spelling estate, where is my cut of the cash money?

It has been a few of years since I last caught up with Shan, after we feuded over her appearing in my nemesis’ Ryan Murphy’s extended PSA The New Normal. Given that she was always – quite literally – caught in the middle of Annelie and my on-set brawls, Shan knew that this was bigger than our egos and accepted my olive branch in the hope of triggering her memory. Maybe her cancer – which I shamefully didn’t support her through – gave her some perspective on what is truly important.

While sadly Annelie is still suffering from her cage-fighting injuries, Shan and I really relished the opportunity to reconnect, plot some downfalls, get into a bar fight and honour the monumental pop culture event that was Donna Martin graduates!

And nothing says reconnected friendship / celebration like a Shannen Doughertynuts!

 

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I’ve been very open about my fear of frying oil, so you know these babies are baked – but is that a crime? If it is, lock me up with a batch and throw away the key!

The dough is soft and fluffy, the cinnamon sugar delicious meaning these baked babies certainly hit all the right notes for a doughnut. All in all, these are the perfect way to celebrate Donna Martin graduates!

23 years later, congrats on the protest crew and Don, for graduating – enjoy!

 

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Shannen Doughertynuts
Serves: 2 angry friends.

Ingredients
100g butter
¼ cup caster sugar
3 eggs
1 cup milk
½ tsp vanilla essence
3 ¼ cups plain flour
4 tsp baking powder
pinch of salt

Cinnamon sugar
1 cup caster sugar, extra
1 tbsp ground cinnamon

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

In a large bowl of an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar together until light, pale and fluffy. With the mixer still on, add the eggs, one at a time allowing to mix after each addition, and the milk and vanilla, mixing until combined. Still mixing, add in the baking powder and salt until just combined – it may look a bit curdled, but relax.

Remove from the mixture and fold in the flour until just combined. Do not overmix, ok? That is very important and you don’t want to upset Shannen or I!

Transfer batter into a piping bag and pipe into a doughnut pan. If you don’t have a pan you can try and pipe them into circles – they may not look perfect, but they’ll taste it!  Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until golden and fluffy.

While they are baking, combine the extra sugar and cinnamon on a tray.

Remove the doughnuts from the oven, immediately toss in the cinnamon sugar and transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Repeat the process until the batter is done. Good luck not devouring them while you’re baking the rest. These are pretty amazing with Dulce de Nick Lachey too, FYI.

To Donna Martin and the student protest that saved her graduation!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Alecia Golden Syrup Dumplings

Dessert, Side, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng, Sweets

Poor, scrappy Alecia!

Not only did she struggle with those embryos a few episodes back and has been consistently bullied by the remaining male Brawns, she was now booted as an afterthought of Survivor’s mother-nature massacre.

After returning from the reward challenge of doom, Alecia tried to defend her dastardly encouragement of her teammates. Shockingly, this fell on deaf ears and she was abused some more before heading off to the immunity challenge. Upon its loss, being delightful, her tribe requested that Probst save them the bother of attending tribal and to just take her back to loser lodge with him.

While Alecia vetoed the idea, it was just delaying the inevitable … and gave her team the opportunity to hurl some more abuse at her, as she made her way out. As I’ve mentioned, I coincidentally was friends with all of the cast members before the show but I will not defend any of the negative and often cruel behaviour some of them are displaying. Even when I know there may be two sides to the story.

I first met dear Alecia as a child, while working with her father. I was a young, up and coming boxer in Philadelphia (my story inspired the Oscar winning film series Rocky) and he was my fight promoter, while she was both my sparring partner and cheerleader. Yes, she could be annoying from time to time but so am I, and so is everyone else … so we never made an issue out of it.

She was disappointed when she made it to Loser Lodge but thankfully still had a positive outlook and took it all on the chin while downing a nice big serving of my Alecia Golden Syrup Dumplings.

 

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While Alecia has a positive, never-say-die attitude I don’t think her post boot sunny disposition was all thanks to that. I mean, these dumplings are sweet. Crazy sweet. But what do you expect when you cook pillowy scone-esque dough in a shit-tonne of sugar?

Either way, devour and be thankful you aren’t the pariah of the Brawn tribe – enjoy!

 

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Alecia Golden Syrup Dumplings
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
salt, to taste
80g unsalted butter
1 eggs
50ml milk
1 ½ cup golden syrup
½ cup water
ice cream, to serve

Method
Sift the flour into a bowl with a pinch of salt before rubbing in 20g butter into the flour until it resembles wet sand. Add the egg and milk, stirring to combine and mix till the dough just comes together. Do not overwork it like Caleb in a challenge. Set this aside to rest.

Combine the golden syrup, water and the remaining 60g butter into a large frypan. Bring to the boil to combine and turn down to a gentle simmer.

Roll the dough into walnut sized balls and place into the syrup. Cover the pan with foil and then top with the lid and cook for about 20 minutes, turning once halfway through.

Serve generously with the remaining sauce and ice cream.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Liz Markham and Egg Pizza

Main, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

Previously on Survivor, Darnell’s aqua-dump required him to exit for a top-up of Darnell HamilWontons before Jenny listened to that little worm inside her head to join him and me at loser lodge for my famed Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns.

This episode saw a welcome return to Probst’s, and my, favourite thing – smutty innuendo. We first saw Tai shoving his hard stick into a tight hole to come up with a glorious pay off, then Jason pushed Blondie to work something up with Scot and do the same thing before a challenge requiring everyone to get wet and try and shove balls into holes too.

It got weird but we love that kinda thing so just roll with it.

Sixteen were left before Annelie and my prototype BethBot 3000 was voted out in a tribal council.

Following our mediocre success creating SpenBot in the 80s, Annelie and I attempted to upgrade our creation however we accidentally doubled up on her confidence and attitude, rather than emotions resulting in, essentially, Lady Spencer. BethBot3000 eventually overthrew her creators after we tried to correct our mistakes (“Beep boop, I am perfect. I need no change”) and, clearly, as a passive aggressive attack, opted to be referred to as Liz. I mean, how petty.

After the tigress Debbie, who is like that person you work with (and given her extensive work history we all probably have at some point), that is really intense and ‘happy’ … and one bad email away from a breakdown, narrowly lost the challenge leading to another tribal council where somebody tried to talk their way out of the game.

Sadly for Liz, Obama wasn’t as persuasive at talking himself out of the game as he was at talking himself into the White House. Thankfully I had a life changing Liz Markham and Egg Pizza waiting for her in the wings.

 

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BethBot3000, sorry, Liz was as thrilled as a humanoid cyborg can be when spotting me at Loser Lodge – thankfully being the victim of a blindside, her self-programmed vendetta against me was registered as void.

The delightful combination of ham and egg (leftovers I had because Probst kicked me out of his room before I could make him breakfast) with the kick of chilli and the mild, nutty sweetness of the cheese left her showing true emotion – unbridled joy.

Who knew pizza would fix Annelie and my inventing mistakes? Enjoy!

 

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Liz Markham and Egg Pizza
Serves: 1-2.

Ingredients
pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)
passata or tomato paste, with a combination of herbs
100g ham, sliced into strips
½ an onion, finely sliced
1 tsp chilli
4 eggs
handful of grated swiss cheese

Method
Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

When you’re ready to get comfort cooking for your robot-human creation, flatten the dough out to fit the pizza tray (or whatever you are cooking it on), cover with a tomato sauce (you could use tomato paste and a sprinkling of herbs … basil, thyme, oregano, the usual subjects).

Sprinkle onion over the base of the pizza, followed by roughly topping with the strips of ham, shaping four little ham-wells across the base and then sprinkle with chilli. Crack an egg into each of the wells and top with swiss cheese.

Cook for 15 minutes or until golden and bubbly.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns

Baking, Side, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

Call it what you will – brain snap, brain fart, complete mental collapse, non-mental giantism – but that doesn’t matter, all that does is that my dear, dear friend Jennifer Lanzetti had one and was swiftly sent packing.

As you could probably guess, Jenny and I first crossed paths many years ago while both of us were drug addicts. While she credits me with getting her addicted, I am very thankful to be able to credit her with getting me sober … well, one of the times at least.

After the first episode, Jen had set herself up well, squarely in the majority of the Luzon 2.0 / Matsing 3.0 tribe however proceeded to shoot herself in the foot and get herself sent into my loving arms at loser lodge. As much as I love Jen, I am glad that my almost sister and mental giant, Alecia Holden lived to see another day.

Maybe she sacrificed something to the embryos of fire on the beach?

While this week didn’t involve any worms trying to get intimate with brains (not the brains), the trees did get their revenge on Tai for last week by slashing his legs open. Lucky he had his dreamy pal, who can also walk on water, Caleb to make him feel good.

But that was all filler, the brawn tribe once again lost a hardcore physical challenge, I assume as a protest to the BvBvB concept while highlighting the fact that they are smarter than given credit for, and made their way back to my lover Jeff in the tribal council village (oh if the walls of those villas could talk).

Once there, Jen proceeded to shoot herself in the foot, face and knee-cap … repeatedly, like the creep my lover Paul Bettany played in The Da Vinci Code (our sex-tape – he was in character – inspired EL James to turn it into the straight-washed disaster known as 50 Shades).

With that, this tribal council marked the second time a grave-digger has made an epic blunder, leading to their departure. And once again, our marker-confused, mental giant, embryo helper lives to fight another day.

Who knows what that worm did to her brain – did it eat part of it? Was it trying to take her as a lover, like a puzzle laying down for Debbie? Was it telling her that my Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns were waiting for her in Ponderosa? That is the only thing that makes any sort of sense.

 

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These buns are like crack. I don’t know whether it the cheese, all the herbs or the pillowy dough, but these are good. Real good.

Fun fact: you actually missed the part of tribal where she offered to take off her clothes for the buns, to give her motivation to stay. It failed, but at least I had them waiting for her in Loser Lodge.

Enjoy!

 

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Jennifer Parmesanetti Buns
Makes: 16.

Ingredients
Dough
3 ½ cups plain flour
2 tsp coarse salt
¼ cup warm water
3 tbsp caster sugar
2 ¼ tsp active dry yeast
6 large eggs, room temperature
1 tsp lemon zest
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
3 tbsp sage, finely chopped
1 tbsp thyme, finely chopped
170g unsalted butter, room temperature, cut into 6 pieces

Baking
85g unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup Parmesan, grated
½ cup flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
20ml thyme, chopped
1 tsp lemon zest
½ tsp freshly ground pepper

Method
Dough
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour and salt. In the bowl of a mixer, combine warm water, sugar, and yeast and leave stand to get all foamy and frothy, about five minutes.

Add eggs, zest, garlic, herbs and flour mixture to the foamy yeast mixture and beat with a dough hook on medium-high speed until dough pulls away from sides of bowl, about 5 minutes.

Beat in butter, one piece at a time, while beating until fully combined and dough is shiny and smooth, about 5 minutes more. Cover with cling wrap and leave to prove, like Alecia with the fire, until doubled in size, about 1 hour.

Place in the fridge for an hour, punch down and return to the fridge for another hour.

Baking
In a bowl, combine everything but the butter.

Split the dough in half. Roll one of them out on a lightly floured surface into a large rectangle, about 30x15cm. Spread half the butter over dough, leaving a slight border, and sprinkle with half of cheese mixture, pressing it into the butter. Starting on a long side, roll the dough up to form a cylindrical shape and cut into eight equal disks. Place the disks on a lined baking sheet. Repeat the process with the remaining dough, cheese and butter – you know, all the remaining stuff.

Cover all of the rolls with cling wrap and leave to rise in a warm spot until doubled in bulk, about an hour or two.

Preheat oven to 190°C.

When the oven is at temperature, place the rolls in the oven and bake until golden brown, about 20 minutes.

Remove from oven and allow to cool slightly and then devour. They are glorious warm.

* Recipe adapted from Martha Stewart.

 

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Darnell HamilWonton

Main, Party Food, Side, Snack, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng

My poor, sweet Darnell – oh how my heart bleeds for you!

Despite what Fransesqua would have you believe, there is nothing worse than being the first boot. I mean, not only did we learn that the first cut is the deepest from my ex-lover Cat but in Survivor it also means that you don’t make the merge and NOBODY wants to date you if you don’t make the merge.

This may come as a surprise, but I am friends with – or at the very least a frenemy of – the entire cast of the current season, so witnessing one of my closest friends entering loser lodge on day three was always going to be tough. But Darnell? He is one of my top five BFFs in the cast!

We first connected a couple of years back when I was doing research for a script I was developing for a live action Postman Pat movie. I had some success with my early research while following Diane Ogden for six months, but Darnie was like a breath of fresh air after the horror that was the six hours I spent trundling about with Dan Foley.

The bond with Darnell was instant and while delivering the mail together over those few months, I learned that our friendship would always be there, neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night could get in the way.

He learned that shitting is natural and it is more than ok to do it right out the front of your house. I just didn’t think he would take my advice with him on the show and aqua dump just outside the shelter.

As you could see, Darnie was quite emotional and confused as to why they kept Bye (F)Alecia another week (I tried to save him with the worm but it didn’t work), but after a batch of my Darnell HamilWontons he was back to the upbeat guy I know, encouraging me to go for my dreams. I don’t know if he knew that my dream is to marry Probst though, in his defence – again Jeff, sorry for storming your tent, with my own pitched tent.

 

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Spicy, sweet and glorious – these wontons are calling to be devoured in their soft, pillowy homes. As aggressive as that description sounds. Darnell said his gut doesn’t lie … he just didn’t realise that it was saying the wontons were done and to come drown your sorrows with me, not to shit out the front.

Enjoy!

 

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Darnell HamilWonton
Makes: 60.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
6 shiitake mushrooms, finely chopped
5 shallots, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tbsp grated ginger
¼ cup coriander, finely chopped
1 tsp Chinese five-spice
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 tsp fish sauce
1 tsp honey
60 round wonton wrappers

Method
Now listen carefully because this is pretty complex. You ready?

Place everything but the wonton wrappers in a large bowl, mixing well to combine.

Place the wonton wrappers on a clean surface, keeping covered with a damp cloth to avoid them drying out and going as crusty as the Brains think Debbie and Joe are. Working one at a time, place about a teaspoon of the filling in the centre of each wrapper.

Slightly wet the edges, pull the edges in to create a coin purse or meat filled sack (honestly I tried to avoid that being dirty but couldn’t) and twist the around to seal at the top. Place on a lined plate or tray while you repeat the process until you run out of meat, or wrappers.

When you’re ready to cook, place a large pan/pot filled without about an inch of water over high heat and bring to the boil. While heating, line a steamer (bamboo or metal) with baking paper. When the water is ready, place the steamer in the pot and fill with about 8-10 dumplings, depending on the size of the steamer. Cover with a lid and steam for about 8 minutes or until cooked through.

Serve with sriracha, soy, hoisin or sweet chilli and let the pain of following in Diane Ogden’s footsteps and being the first boot disappear.

 

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Basil Gnudi Dench

Main

Dame Judi ‘J-dawg’ Dench is an absolute, deadset legend of a person and is, quite frankly, the best gambling partner a young chap could ask for.

After working through her rage of being egged in the late 60s, Jude worked on fulfilling her My Fair Laddy fantasy by turning me into an upstanding citizen who wore pants that covered his arse. Sadly my powers were too strong for her and we went through a reverse of the tale, where I systematically worked through making Jude as debaucherous, raucous and offensive as possible.

That is where her love of black-market gambling first came about.

While some may argue that the awards season are an excuse for famous people to either turn up to receive trophies from aging journalists and critics that want a good photo-op or for them to masturbate about their gripping performances, Judes and I are firmly of the belief that aside from being more important than Nobel prizes etc. they are a fantastic betting opportunity.

Yes, we will always be team Cate, Kate and Fassy – for obvious (NSFW) reasons, with the last one – we have to follow the money during awards season and spent most of our catch-up discussing the pros and cons of each nominee and whose bookie had the better odds.

Obviously we needed serious sustenance for such a consequential discussion, enter stage left my Basil Gnudi Dench.

 

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Gnudi is gnocchi’s easier to make cousin, being that you don’t have to bother with mashing any potatoes … because let’s be honest, you never leave the potatoes to cool long enough and end up with third degree burns when rolling them. Or is that just me?

Either way, they were perfect for our catch-up as nothing says illegal gambling quite like a delicate dish with fresh basil, tangy lemon and creamy cheese.

Enjoy!

 

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Basil Gnudi Dench
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 large bunches of basil, leaves picked
250g ricotta
125g grated parmesan
2 large eggs, plus 1 eggstra yolk
100g plain flour, plus a little extra
Semolina, for dusting
15g butter
1 lemon
2 tsp chilli flakes
30g grated pecorino, to serve

Method
Heat a pan over a low heat and add a splash of water with two-thirds of the basil leaves and heat until wilted. Remove from the heat and allow to cool, squeezing out any excess water.

Chuck the leaves in a blender with about a quarter of the ricotta and blitz to a purée. Empty into a large bowl and combine with the remaining ricotta, parmesan and eggs, and whisk vigorously, until light and fluffy.

Fold the flour into the ricotta mixture using a large, metal spoon until it is soft and moist. If it is too wet (nothing suss), add a bit more flour and relax. Trust your judgement.

Meanwhile, spread a layer of semolina over a baking tray and fill a piping bag with a 1.5cm opening with the ricotta mixture. Pipe long strips of the gnudi the length of the tray, leaving about a centimetre in between.

Dust the strips with a thick layer of semolina, cut them into 2–3cm pieces, making sure they are well coated in the flour. Cover the tray with cling film and pop it in the fridge for a few hours or ideally overnight, but who ever remembers to do that?

To cook your gnudi, remove the tray from the fridge and let it to come up to room temperature.

While nature is heating things up again, melt the butter in a pan over a low heat and the reserved basil leaves. Cook for 1–2 minutes, until the butter starts to foam and the leaves have crisped up. Finely grate in the zest of the lemon, add the chilli flakes and season well. Remove from the heat to rest.

Bring a large pan of salted water to the boil over a medium heat and gently place the gnudi into the pan. When they float to the surface, they’re cooked.

Drain the gnudi and gently toss in the chilli lemon basil butter. Divide between bowls and serve with grated pecorino with lemon halves on the side to squeeze over.

 

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