Seventh Place

Tia Biscoffi Donuts

Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul’s Drag Race UK 2, Snack, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK the queens returned from their seven month COVID hiatus. Yes, SEVEN. MONTHS. In which time Tayce and A’Whora lived together and Ellie had to work the drive through to make ends meet. Tragically poor Veronica contracted COVID (in addition to her previous case of rat-bite fever) meaning we were down a cast member leading to Joe being voted to return to the competition to complete the second girl group for RuRuVision song contest. And as you would no doubt now have stuck in your head, let’s just say BING BANG BONG both groups were amazing. Though the United Kingdolls killed the show and snatched victory. Over on the other team, Tia was deemed too regional, while Joe made jokes about H&M, leading to an epic Ru rant before Joe was eliminated first. Again.

Backstage the girls were well and truly shook about Joe’s second departure, with Tayce in particular shocked by the fact she kind of just gave up in the lip sync. Tia meanwhile was feeling her oats to be the first lip sync assassin in the UK. Obviously that didn’t last long as talk turned to Ru’s epic H&M tirade, with the safe girls particularly surprised that it was bad enough to require an apology on the runway. Sister opted to get shady and pointed out that Tia got the worst critiques from Ru, with Lawrence stepping in to point out she also was told to step it up and given she compiled A’Whora’s ideas, glass houses etc. Pretty much. 

Oh and then the editors spoiled that Bimini wins the episode, given she counted herself as winning two challenges with all the other tallies correct. So congratulations, you icon.

The next day Bimini indeed entered the Werk Room with only one badge, before congratulating Lawrence on snagging three wins in a row. While Tayce just wanted her to share the love around from now on. Ellie meanwhile opted to keep things interesting and asked Tia how exactly she plans to up her game on the runway and when the answer didn’t really say much, things got fiery. Thankfully they were interrupted by Ru who arrived to announce that this week’s Maxi Challenge they will be playing the iconique tiara, Snatch Game.

Much to everyone’s delight.

The queens all split up to talk through their characters with Ellie giving off her best Vicky Pollard, while Lawrence gave out advice like she was the second coming of Ru. Bimini meanwhile was making jokes about A’Whora and Tayce’s past before the latter opened up about being terrified of Snatch Game, though that she was confident in her choice of playing Kath herself, Jane Turner. Ru joined the fray to chat through their choices, with Tia bravely telling Ru that she will be bringing it on the runway from now on before announcing she’d be playing Shirley Bassey in the game. Someone she has never done before. Leading to Ru talking her into playing Mel B instead. Ellie was sticking with Vicky Pollard as she spent her childhood bouncing off her twin brother playing the role. This led to Ellie having a wee bit of a breakdown thinking about how important her brother is to her and ugh, I love them all.

Lawrence had Ru smiling before even sitting down at the table before sharing she’d be playing Miriam Margoles. And then had Ru in stitches, leading me to believe she will slay but since the editors spoiled us, we know she doesn’t slay enough for victory. Speaking of said victory, Bimini dropped by to announce she will be playing the iconic Katie Price – who I hooked up with Peter Andre – and ugh, it makes all the sense now. A’Whora meanwhile will be playing Louie Spence and while I don’t know him, he sounds glorious. Not so glorious is A’Whora getting in her head, breaking down about her insecurities and ugh, I love the broken hearted little villainess.

Oh and then Sister apparently never got to chat to Ru or tell us what she was doing.

Thankfully we cut straight to the Snatch Game set featuring Michelle Visage and THE GC herself, Gemma Collins where we learnt Sister would be playing Psychic Sally. Sadly she didn’t tell Tia that changing to Mel B would be a bad idea because as much as I love her, her Mel B was scarily devoid of spice. See what I did there? On the flipside, Tayce was killing the game from the start and immediately made the upcoming Down Under girls question their choices of playing Kath Day-Knight.

While Tayce was good though, it was Bimini’s challenge from the opening seconds giving one liners, dedicated impersonation and had me in absolute hysterics. Speaking of dedicated impersonation, Lawrence was committed to honouring Miriam but completely devoid of comedy. Rounding out the gang, A’Whora was camp and charming, Sister was fun and Ellie was aggressive and confusing. Oh and then Tayce set herself up to yell at Ru for calling her chooky and ugh, give her the damn crown.

Elimination Day arrived with Lawrence and Tia feeling pretty shit about themselves after bombing Snatch Game, particularly since the former is a comedy queen and the latter is yet to score a win. Lawrence opened up about feeling the need to always be strong for her community and hiding behind a mask, with Tia – of course – reminding her that she is worth it and allowed to feel things. Tayce meanwhile checked in with Ellie and her breakdown the day before, with Ellie sharing how much her brother’s support has meant to her and how it got him through a difficult childhood when he was kicked out of home by her father. Until gag of the season, Ellie’s mum turned around and kicked out Ellie’s dad instead when he gave her an ultimatum.

Ru, Michelle and Alan were joined by Jesse Ware to witness the Prehistoric Drag runway where A’Whora opened the show in a full on corset of bones complete with fur and ugh, it is amazing. Tayce meanwhile was stunning as a voodoo priestess complete with guttural screams. Sister looked like Peg Bundy if she was on The Flintstones but with Patsy Stone’s wig, Tia showed body – finally – as a slutty pterodactyl. With a baseball cap like she is Boston Rob. Oh and then Bimini was GORGEOUS as the sexiest, floating bacteria and I think this is the moment we will look back on as when we realised Bimini was winning this season. Poor Lawrence had to follow the ultimate slay giving Roseanne as Peg Bundy in The Flintstones before Ellie gave straight up Pebbles Flintstone.

Ultimately Sister and Ellie were sent to safety, leaving the other girls to be critiqued. A’Whora kicked off the show with the judges admitting that the choice of Louie Spence was brave but that they weren’t sure if it paid off. They did love her outfit though. Tayce meanwhile received universal praise for her Snatch Game, with the judges loving how much fun she was clearly having. And while they loved her runway and the fact she gave something different, Ru clocked her hip pads and you could see the moment she thought Ru was going to yell at her.

Poor Tia was read for being one note on Snatch Game and for giving a sub par outfit, despite finally showing body. This led to Tia breaking down about not proving herself to Ru and damn, I hate to see. Next up Bimini received universal praise for literally everything, from Katie’s wisp, the hilarious one liners and the white-eyed amoeba runway, which is head and shoulders above everything else that has ever appeared on the runway. Oh and then Lawrence, she had the judges laughing when they went to her which only made her performance crueler, given it was a total bomb. Lawrence then started to sob as the judges praised her charisma, with her sharing she built up that persona to survive childhood and it is honestly so relatable.

Backstage Ellie and Sister were congratulating each other on surviving the hardest challenge before the tops and bottoms joined them. Tayce and Bimini were clearly thrilled with their critiques, while Tia was bitterly disappointed to clearly be in the bottom again. Talk turned to Lawrence who immediately started to cry again, struggling to accept that she bombed a challenge. Much to A’Whora’s chagrin, who was annoyed that Lawrence is falling apart at the first sign of weakness.

Obviously Bimini took out her victory not just because of the editors spoiling it at the top of the episode but because I watched her absolutely destroy everyone all episode. Tayce was rightly sent to safety, while A’Whora was gagged to join her, leaving frontrunner Lawrence to lip sync for her life against Tia to Touch Me by Cathy Dennis. And oh girl, did Lawrence light a fire under herself. Serving comedy as she hit every lyric, she commanded your attention and while Tia once again slayed and showed off her legs, she was no match for the triple winner as Lawrence sent her from the competition.

Backstage I pulled Tia in for a massive hug and assured her that while she wasn’t able to take out a win, she truly won people’s hearts and as such, is destined for greatness on All Stars. I mean, she was fun, friendly and gave a hell of a confessional. AND kept her hair the same during the lockdown for continuity when Sister Sister literally replaced her entire face. She is the moment (as is Sister, TBH). As such, I toasted her killer, memorable run with a batch of Tia Biscoffi Donuts.

Biscoff is the new nutella in that we’re all eating it out of the jar like it’s peanut butter – the OG, of course – and injecting it into any and all foods. Specifically donuts like this, which are, in a word, amazing. Like Tia.

Enjoy!

Tia Biscoffi Donut
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
150g water
500g flour
60g raw caster sugar, plus extra for coatin’
7g dried yeast
4 eggs
4 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp kosher salt
125g unsalted butter softened
sunflower oil, for fryin’
2 cups Biscoff spread, for fillin’
200g white chocolate
15 Biscoff cookies, for decoratin’

Method
Combine the water, flour, sugar, yeast, egg, salt and a teaspoon of cinnamon in the bowl of a stand mixer and best on medium-low speed for about 10 minutes, or until a ball forms. Still going, add the butter in 25g chunks and mix until well combined before adding the next portion. Once everything is in, keep it mixing for about 5 minutes or until smooth and springy when touched.

Transfer to an oiled bowl and cover with cling, and leave to prove for 2-3 hours or until doubled in size. Punch back the dough, return to the bowl, recover with cling and transfer to the fridge to rest overnight.

When it is chilled and well proven – and you’ve had a nice rest – divide the dough into 16 equal portions, roll into balls and place on a lined baking sheet. Leave to prove one final time for a couple of hours, or until doubled.

Combine the rest of the cinnamon in a bowl with about ½ cup of raw caster sugar.

Once they have puffed, place a pot of 15cm of oil over medium high heat and bring to 180C. When the oil is hot enough, cook the doughnuts a couple at a time for a few minutes before flipping and cooking for a further few minutes, or until golden and cooked through. Toss through the cinnamon sugar and transfer to a wire rack while you repeat the process.

Melt the white chocolate, either in a double boiler or in the microwave and allow to cool slightly. Transfer the Biscoff into a piping bag and pipe a couple of tablespoons into the centre of each donut, dip them in the white chocolate and then top with a biscuit and serve immediately and devour, joyously. 


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Picnick Wilson

Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Winners at War, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor Michele had well and truly hit her limit for chaos, wanting everyone to give the audience what they want. Aka a battle of the best, not telephone and lies. While their ally Ben was hyper-focused on getting rid of Jeremy, however Tony and Sarah knew they needed to keep him around as a shield. And to guarantee the other side can’t get the numbers. Sarah expertly planted the idea in Ben’s head to go for Nick, and what do you know, Ben thought getting rid of Nick was the best idea. Sadly for them, however, Nick then took out immunity – and my heart, now that he is officially island hot – before the tribe returned to chaos. And after Michele played her 50/50 coin for herself, found it wasn’t needed, as the tribe banded together to get rid of Jeremy instead.

The tribe returned to camp with Michele excited that she actually won her immunity, though heartbroken to have lost Jeremy. Meanwhile Tony and Ben caught up by the well, with the latter thrilled to have survived, while the former was thrilled to have solidified his control over the tribe. Oh and then he called Michele a goat and despite normally wanting to take those to the end, he reminded us that you can’t do that in a season like this. Clearly he hasn’t seen firey Michele though, who tore Nick a new arsehole by the shore, agreeing that they could never beat Jeremy, but keeping him was the only way either of them had a path to the end. And now he has completely ruined their shot at winning. While Nick tried to defend himself, Michele continued to explain that there is no way they are getting to the end anymore. Though she did remind us that when her back is against the wall, she plays strong and hot damn, she did deserve her first win.

Yes, first win. Because she deserves another.

The next day she learnt to hide her rage and instead spoke about how everyone is playing scared, except her and since she has nothing to lose, she is going to fuck shit up. She and Sarah chatted while doing some arts and crafts, sassing her about nobody strategising because she is the next to go. Sarah tried to deny it, but Michele continued and said that targeting her was stupid for anyone wanting to win given Tony is in control and anyone going to the jury will tell them that. While Sarah said that isn’t the case, Michele reminded her that perception is everything in this game and it doesn’t matter what she thinks, only the jury. Queen, icon, legend.

Meanwhile we checked in with the Edge of Extinction where Jeremy was shocked by how little food they get each day before Yul discovered a clue by the flag. He returned to camp and read it aloud, with everyone disappearing in every direction to find whatever advantage it was leading to. Thankfully Natalie put her 30 days on Extinction to use, quickly finding it and returning to camp while Wendell disappeared up the hill. Natalie’s fan club rallied around her as she sat down to share her advantage with them. Turns out it was another disadvantage, this time in the upcoming immunity challenge with her able to sell it for however much she likes and the purchaser is able to use it against someone else.

Back at camp we discover that she offered the disadvantage to Nick, who had proudly hoarded six fire tokens. He learnt that not only is it for a disadvantage, it was also a secret one and nobody would know it was him. Sadly, Natalie priced it at 8 fire tokens meaning he needed to partner with someone. As such, he approached Michele to try and repair their relationship after the Jeremy vote. She gladly offered to give him the tokens but only after they agreed to play it against Ben, hoping to make him paranoid enough to blow up his game.

Well we learnt that at the challenge, before, it was all in abstract terms.

Speaking of the challenge, it required them to stack dominoes on a beam atop a trip obstacle and knock them over so they hit a gong at the other end. And sadly for Ben, he had a 30% longer beam with 30% more block. Oh and today was the final day to earn and spend fire tokens. Ben wasn’t shocked, given he has never received a fire token or advantage and clearly has no friends and shucks, I almost feel bad for him. Everyone was out of the gate quickly, while Ben made early mistakes, desperate to overcome his disadvantage. Michele, Sarah and Tony started to pull ahead, while Denise and Nick opted for a slow and steady approach. Poor Michele dropped one of her blocks, giving Tony and Sarah the break they needed. Which sadly didn’t play out, as Sarah knocked a block off and Tony slowed down, allowing Michele to make up the ground and quickly snatch immunity.

Much to everyone’s dismay, given the tribe were of the mind that anyone should win except her.

Back at camp the tribe half-heartedly congratulated Michele, before Denise decided to play the Angelina card and offered to buy a bag of rice for everyone, if they made some rice today so that she would be well fed ahead of the comeback challenge. Only she wasn’t sure of her imminent departure, instead, it was all a ploy to make Nick and Michele feel safe, so that she could stick with the cops and the coc … I mean Ben, to get rid of Nick. Barring any surprises. Ben too was keen to get rid of Nick, so jumped on the plan and approached Nick and Michele to assure them that he wants to get rid of Denise, given she is the Queen Slayer. Nick was feeling very confident that his plan had come together, so sat with Tony and Michele to chat about how difficult beating Ben in the fire challenge will be and as such, now would be a good time to blindside him.

Which Tony agreed with. As such, he decided to reopen the Spy Nest and see whether he could get some intel to decide which way to go. And oh was it worth it, as he overheard Denise laying out a plan to Sarah and Ben to join them in the final three, and cut Tony’s throat at four instead. With that, Tony approached Michele and Nick to work up a legitimate plan to get rid of Denise instead. Tony pulled Sarah aside given he didn’t want to make a move without her, with her agreeing that getting rid of Denise is important to their game. Though Nick has a strong underdog narrative and as such, he is just as big of a threat.

At tribal council Michele continued to gloat about her immunity win, given everyone hates her and thinks she is worthless. She then started to tell jokes and endear herself to the jury and damn, she has game! Sarah said that that fire is what pushed Michele to win the challenge, while Ben sadly lamented getting a disadvantage and worried where it came from. Nick spoke about the battle between voting people out and who you need to keep, Sarah spoke about fiscal responsibility with her coins, Michele said the coins have given her hope, given she is clearly beloved by the jury despite not always being on the right side of the numbers. Ben admitted to being nervous about the unknown new member of the final six, who will return the next day, Tony said that person doesn’t matter and instead it is their bonds that will keep them safe while Denise continued to pretend to be dejected about obviously going out of the game.

Meanwhile on the jury, Adam suggested that it was a fakeout which Sophie and Kim shut down like he is an annoying child. And I live.

With that the tribe voted and despite once again thinking the status quo was about to be flipped, Tony and Sarah’s alliance stood firm and sent Nick from the game. I ruffled my hair and casually positioned myself on the side of the boat that would take Nick to the Edge, before again, casually, running up to him and pulling him in for a long hug. I held his biceps as I told him that he should be proud of the game he played, as despite being the newest winner on the cast, wasn’t as fixated on getting rid of the old schoolers. Which I love. As much as his nipples and wrapping my lips around a thick, fat Picnick Wilson.

Chocolate bar, guys – relax. Like my copycat Snickers before it, this is honestly God-tier. So sweet, so rich just like what we’re copying. But better, because it is fresh and a little bit bigger.

Enjoy!

Picnick Wilson
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
¾ cup raw caster sugar
½ cup liquid glucose
¼ cup water
1 egg white, at room temperature
generous pinch of salt
½ cup natural crunchy peanut butter
60g butter
2 tbsp muscovado sugar
395g condensed milk
1 cup salted peanuts, roughly chopped
1 batch Lena Wafers
800g milk chocolate
½ cup rice bubbles

Method
This one starts the same as the snickers, so start by lining a 20x30cm baking pan with some baking paper.

Combine the caster sugar, glucose and water in a small pan over high heat and stir until the sugar has dissolved. While you bring the syrup to the boil, whisk the egg white in a stand mixer until stiff peaks form. When the sugar reaches 135°C, remove from the boil and slowly add to the eggs with the whisk still on high. Continue whisking until the nougat comes together and pulls away from the sides of the bowl.

Remove from the mixer and fold through the peanut butter with an oiled spatula, emphasis on oiled, until it is thick, combined and spongy. Turn into the lined baking pan, spreading mixture evenly, and leave to rest while you make the caramel.

Combine the butter, muscovado sugar and condensed milk in a clean saucepan and stir over medium heat until the butter has melted and the sugar dissolved. Bring to the boil and cook until it is thick and has started to turn a caramel colour. Remove from the heat and fold through the half of the peanuts before spreading over the setting nougat. Cover with the Lena Wafers, cutting so they fit together snuggly. Cover and place in the fridge to set for a couple of hours.

When you’re ready to assemble, line a baking sheet with paper and cut the nougat and caramel into chocolate bar sized bars. Melt the chocolate in the microwave – 30s on high, followed by 10s intervals until done – and leave to cool for a couple of minutes, before folding through the peanuts and rice bubbles. Dip the bars into the crispy chocolate and place them on the lined baking sheet. Once done, brush the remaining chocolate over the bars to completely enclose them, bulking up on the top. Transfer to the fridge for a few hours to set, before devouring Clueless style. Aka drawing as much attention to your mouth as possible.


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Shoneedi Burgfax

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: All Stars, Burgers, Main, Poultry, Street Food, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, David secured back-to-back wins in the reward and immunity challenges. Most importantly, he also gave us two beautiful nudes scenes which really does count for something, in my mind. The best of which occurred at the reward, where he had taken his allies Sharn, Moana and Tarzan for an overnight holiday and showered in nature like an actual God. Despite that majesty, the reward meant he left Jacqui alone back at camp with the minority alliance and boy did they work her! At tribal council, Jacqui flipped to their side and they loaded their votes on Moana, while her former alliance all voted for her. While the minority alliance was keen to go to rocks, Sharn convinced them that she would join their side if they let Jacqui go and as such, she headed out to become the queen of the jury.

Back at camp things were decidedly awkward as Sharn tried to act like she was friends with everyone, officially killing off her chances at winning the season. She buddied up to Brooke and Shonee first, the latter of which rightly pointed out that David only wants to keep people he can beat around and as such, she isn’t making it to the end. She then swung by David and Tarzan to pretend that everything that happened at tribal was simply one big act, when in actuality, Tarzan knew she was now lying to them given she mouthed at him to vote Moana in the revote. When I was about to love him, he opted not to call her out and now I am sad and need him to go.

The next day Sharn was still busy buddying up to the Vakama trio when a cow straight up wandered into camp. Obviously Shonee and Brooke approached to see if it would like any pats or better still, to join their alliance and go to the final four with them. Feeling nervous about being replaced by a bovine, Sharn sidled up to David again and reiterated that she is still definitely with him and was solely telling them everything they needed to hear. Which again, is why she lost her first game. And is why she is now the perfect person to take to the end. While David didn’t say that, he did assure her that he is still all in on taking her to the end. And coupled with Shonee’s comment about him only wanting to take people to the end he could beat, that should tell her what he thinks of her current chances.

The tribe all sunbaked by the shore and gossiped before a stewing Tarzan won back my heart, pulling Moana aside to let her know that Sharn was gunning for her at the last tribal council. And given he is so honest, Moana originally wanted to believe him but instead, she and David blindly assured him that Sharn wouldn’t have meant it and he must have misunderstood her.

#JusticeForTarzan

With them occupied, Brooke and Shonee went hunting for an idol for a little bit before gossiping about Sharn losing five jury votes if she dicks them over. Oh and then Shonee reminded us that she is the reason Sharn lost her first season and should she fuck with her, she will gladly makes sure she comes second again. Elsewhere the erstwhile runner-up approached AK to assure him that she is all in with the alliance and while she is keen to get rid of Dave, she also wants to make sure they do it at the right time.

My love Jonathan arrived for the immunity challenge where each tribemate was required to keep themselves wedged between two frames with the last one standing winning immunity. Aka when you used to try and hold yourself up in a door frame and act super cool in the 90s. Almost instantly, AK dropped – due to an ACL injury, FYI – followed closely by Moana and Sharn, who is just as hapless at the challenge as she is in the game. When trying to transition to a higher section of the frame, we lost our Queen Shonee before Tarzan followed after 15 minutes. The remaining two fought it out for another full 30 minutes before David started to struggle, wriggling around while Brooke sat motionless in the frame until finally, after 75 minutes, David dropped and Brooke snatched yet another immunity.

Back at camp David was feeling salty as everyone congratulated Brooke on how easy she made the challenge look. With him simmering, Shonee, Brooke and AK went for a walk, hoping Sharn would follow so they could fashion a plan. She eventually followed them to the well, with AK pushing everyone to load the votes on David, offering himself as the other groups target as he would rather get idoled out than be a sitting duck. Sharn eventually disappeared to chat with her other allies, while Shonee and AK laughed about how screwed Sharn is at the end, should she flip on them. Meanwhile Sharn and Moana were locking in the vote for Shonee, with Moana pointing out how happy that would make Sharn since she wants revenge on her for losing her first season. WHAT?! I think it was your terrible performance in front of the jury. Oh and then she suggested she is playing a killer, covert game this season.

LOL.

After locking in the vote, she disappeared to hang with the Vakama trio to make sure they thought she was in with them. That gave Tarzan time to remind David that he is in grave danger tonight and they really need to think about something other than trusting Sharn. With that, David filled them in on his idol and suggested that he go to Sharn and let her know about the idol and promise her that it is the two of them until the end. He then went and did just that as Sharn fangirled over him and congratulated him on a game well played, she then told us that she could see right through his plan and as such, knew it would be safe to target him tonight.

At tribal council AK admitted to regretting turning on Jacqui, as the risk of rocks was less of a risk than trusting Sharn. Shonee and Brooke joined him by explaining that they were super keen to go to rocks, until Sharn promised to work with them. Sharn then admitted to everything in front of the jury, with Shonee pointing out that should she join the jury because of Sharn, it won’t end well for her. Essentially. Sharn then said that she was happy with the decision she has made for the vote ahead before David tried to play into her ego, saying Sharn has played a great game this season and as such, he wants to face her at the end. AK started to try for the same pitch, encouraging her that now is the time to make a big move and that joining them is pretty much the only way for her to do it.

David tried to remind her that he wants to work with her, while AK and Brooke worked harder, reminding Sharn that taking out David would be best for a lot of people’s games, not just the Vakama trio. AK then started to shoot himself in the foot, talking about changing his mind about who he wants to sit with at the end after each tribal council, based on who is left and how the ones that have gone were voted out. David used this to his advantage, assuring them that he has always been solid and hasn’t swayed from who he wants to go to the final four with. A sentiment which was echoed by Sharn and then Moana.

With that they voted and once again Sharn blindly trusted the strongest man in the game to her detriment, sticking with her OG alliance to send our beloved Queen Shonee from the game. And fuck am I completely enraged! I mean, if you listen carefully during the count, you can hear my screaming expletives from the Jury Villa, vowing to ruin Sharn’s life. While I have slightly calmed down since I am now busy worrying about everyone’s life since COVID-19, I am still furious about her decision to end my queen’s game. But I am no longer planning to ruin her life which is growth. Though let’s be honest, even if I did and she sued me, I honestly don’t think I would need to worry about facing her in court. Given she crumbles in front of a jury, right?

I know, I know – it was a long journey to get ro a boring read about her sucking at final tribal council. But I digress.

As soon as I stopped crying enough to see Shonee in the Jury Villa, I pulled her in for a massive hug and muttered repeatedly about her being a precious angel and needs to win this show eventually and that she better not end up like Cirie, just coming back and never getting the win she deserves. Obviously I sounded completely unhinged but Shon being Shon, she held me tight and assured me that everything is going to be ok.

“But cherub, maybe it would be even better with a little snack, no?”

As it is written, so it shall be done and as requested, I gifted her a piping hot, delicious Shoneedi Burgfax.

I will die on a hill that Oporto’s Bondi Burger is one of the great take-away burgers. Breaded, juicy chicken, chilli that knocks your socks off and a gorgeously creamy mayo work together to create not just a delicious burg, but the perfect way to honour an icon like Shonee.

Enjoy!

Shoneedi Burgfax
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 dried habanero chillies, seeded and chopped
2 tsp hot paprika
6 garlic cloves, minced
2 tsp minced ginger
½ tsp raw caster sugar
2 lemons, zested and juiced
⅓ cup vegetable oil
2 chicken breasts, sliced into two fillets each
1 cup flour, for dredging
1 tsp kosher salt
4 burger buns
¼ cup Shayonnaise Swain
1 cup butter lettuce, washed and shredded
4 slices provolone cheese

Method
Start by prepping the chilli sauce by combining the habanero, paprika, garlic, ginger, sugar, lemon juiced and oil in a jug and stir until well combined.

Pour half the chilli sauce into a bowl and add the chicken, tossing through until well coated. Cover and transfer to the fridge to marinate for an hour or so.

When you’re good to go, remove the chicken from the fridge and combine the flour and salt in a bowl. One at a time, remove the breast from the chilli sauce, draining off excess liquid before dredging in the flour mixture. Place on a plate and repeat the process.

Pop a large skillet over medium heat and lightly brush with some extra vegetable oil. Fry the breasts for about five minutes each side until golden, crisp and most importantly, cooked through.

To assemble, split the buns – my favourite part – and spread each side with mayo. Place the lettuce on the bottom followed by a chicken breast, cheese and a generous spoon of the reserved chilli sauce.

Serve with fries, obvi, then devour.


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Simon Black and White Cookie

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the Champions continued to extend their lead after getting Daisy to burn yet another idol while Zaddy John was sent to join my harem in the Jury Villa. Jonathan then dropped a bomb at the next tribal council and announced that the next two people voted out would be sent to Exile Island before battling each other for the chance to return to the game, with that Daisy was then voted out to spend a miserable night in the rain. The next day Abbey started to crave a big move for her resume and after Pia secured immunity, joined Harry, Baden and Luke to blindside Simon from the game. Well, temporarily, as he destroyed Daisy in the challenge and sent her to Jury Villa and rejoined the game.

The tribe returned to camp with the same final seven as the day before, with Abbey awkwardly hugging Simon and the silent King finding his voice, talking to us about his rage at being voted out. Instead of finding allies, he decided that an idol would be his best shot so went searching, digging up much of the island and leading to – probably – the deforestation of 90% of Fiji.

The next day Abbey was feeling nervous about her place in the game, knowing Simon would be upset with her and concerned that JaQueen and Pia won’t ever forgive her. Which is a fair judgement, given Pia and JaQueen were seething about her lies and bitching about her by the shore.

Jonathan arrived for the latest immunity challenge where they would each have to balance a platform using a rope and move back and forth up the length of the course collecting letters to spell immunity on said platform. While everyone raced out to start, Baden stayed behind to reorder his blocks. That didn’t seem to slow him down however as he joined Pia, Luke and Abbey at the front of the pack, while poor Simon sat in last. The four continued to power ahead, with Abbey and Luke firmly fighting for first while their platforms slowly swayed. Pia was the first to drop her stack, followed by Baden who was sympathetic to Pia’s loss. Abbey dropped her stack on the last block, allowing Luke to place his last block and slowly make his way back to the start to secure immunity, with Simon now breathing down his neck and Abbey cheering him on. Thankfully he held firm, maintained his stack and snatched immunity, while JaQueen admitted that she was just hoping to pull a Bradbury.

Back at camp Simon recommenced digging up the entire island while Abbey was just thrilled that anyone but Simon took out immunity. She checked in with Harry, Baden and Luke to lock in their latest vote for Simon to guarantee he doesn’t go on an immunity run. Luke and Abbey went for a private chat while Pia and JaQueen sat nearby and saltily speculated what the new duo could be up to. Sick of speculating, they approached them leaving Luke to straight up ask them to join them in getting rid of Simon. Again.

While they sat there strategising JaQueen started to realise that Abbey was the bigger threat and as such, she and Pia went hunting for numbers. JaQueen approached Simon who quickly fell in line, while Pia once again used her acting skills to improvise and pulled Harry aside with JaQueen and played into his desire to make a big, bold move. They outlined that while none of them can win against Luke he is immune and as such, taking out Abbey would be the next biggest move to impress the jury. While Harry agreed that getting rid of Abbey is a logical choice, he was lucky enough to have countless options and just needed to decide whether teaming up with JaQueen and Pia was in his best interests.

At tribal council Janine spoke about the feeling of deja vu heading into tonight’s tribal council, while Abbey tried to downplay the fact that nothing has changed since the previous vote. Despite the fact her flip was outed and her two closest allies aren’t on board with her anymore. She then pushed for everyone to band together and get rid of Simon again, which led Simon to finding his voice and congratulating Luke, Harry, Baden and Abbey for outwitting him. JaQueen admitted that she too felt blindsided and was paranoid that she would be next, leaving Abbey to assure them that she would have said something if it really would have impacted them.

Harry spoke about the uncertainty of moves at tribal council leading to major, continued change while Pia hoped the flip didn’t leave her on the outs. Simon returned to talk the only thing he has left, the fact that he can be a loyal number, while Harry spoke about everyone’s paths to the end intersecting in different ways. Pia agreed with him and mentioned that that means things will shift a lot more frequently, before JaQueen and Abbey mentioned that they would be voting with their head tonight and honestly I have no idea what it happening.

With that the tribe voted and for the second time in a row, silent Simon was booted from the game. The reason Simon barely appeared in any episodes this season is because all of his confessionals were him talking about how excited he was to get booted, see his dear fellow Brisbanite – not a good episode for Queenslanders, no? – and smash some Simon Black and White Cookies together.

 

 

These classic New York biscuits are a favourite of my husband, who first got Simon to try one when we were travelling to NYC together. Soft and fluffy, almost cake like biscuits, smothered in a thick choc v. sugar crust, they truly are a magical creation. Like Simon, which you would know if he or Sam actually appeared this season.

Enjoy!

 

 

Simon Black and White Cookie
Serves: 6-12.

Ingredients
225g plain flour
½ tsp baking powder
pinch of salt
¾ cup buttermilk
1 tbsp vanilla extract
125g unsalted butter plus 2 tsp for the icing, at room temperature
½ cup raw caster sugar
1 egg
2 cups icing sugar mixture
30g dark chocolate, roughly chopped

Method
Combine the flour, baking powder and a good pinch of salt in a bowl, and whisk the buttermilk and 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract in a jug.

Preheat oven to 160°C.

To making the dough, cream the butter and caster sugar in the bowl of a stand mixer on medium for about ten minutes, or until pale, creamy and fluffy. Add the egg and beat until just combined. Reduce speed to low and working slowly and carefully to avoid the kitchen looking like a crime scene, add the flour mixture and buttermilk mixture in thirds, stirring until just combined.

Place heaped large golf-ball sized dollops on lined baking sheets, allowing plenty of space for spreading. Press them down to flatten a little and transfer to the oven to bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden and cooked through. Leave to cool on the tray for ten minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

To make the icing, combine the icing butter remaining butter and vanilla in a heatproof bowl with a tablespoon of water. Place over a double boiler and stir until combined and soft. Spread the icing over half of each cookie before adding the chocolate to the bowl and heating until combined. Spread the chocolate icing on the other half of each biscuit and leave to set for five minutes.

Then devour, chattily, like Simon is in real life.

 

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Jacqualaka Burger

Burgers, Main, Snack, Street Food, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Jacques held on to his idol – when Cobus was tragically booted – and returned to camp full of confidence and bravado, calling everyone mother f&%$&^s and offending them. This led to his exile from the group, leading to Steffi’s sanctimonious edit intensifying. Feeling an in with the rest of the tribe, Mike warned everyone about Jacques reward steal and that he was bribed into protecting Jacques long enough to make family visit. Sadly for him, it didn’t get him that in as he tried to lead the charge against Rob, going to Mmaba and two of Rob’s besties Nicole and Durao. At the Island of Secrets Mmaba beat Steffi in a battle of wits and won a clue to a hidden immunity idol in the lid of the voting urn. Knowing the truth could be problematic, she told Steffi that the advantage was actually the ability to steal any victory at a challenge. Nicole won immunity, then joined Durao to rat out Mike – leading to the plan being cancelled – while Steffi ratted out Mmaba, with the latter tragically booted with her newly found idol in her pocket after voting for Jacques despite him playing his idol before the vote.

Back at camp Mike finally realised that he is well and truly on the outs, with Rob jumping in to take full responsibility – with Steffi – for the blindside, as they are already his biggest targets. And let’s be honest, it adds another move to his resume.

The next day Durao and Mike lamented the loss of Mmaba, with the latter particualrly feeling pretty stupid since his best ally is gone because he didn’t think she should be worried. Rob was glad to be Mike’s number one target, given the element of surprise is gone. The boys caught up with Rob lying that he only left Mike out of the loop again because he’s already put him in that position with Geoffrey. This made Mike feel a little bit safer, with the boys sharing that they trust each other and are grateful for the other’s honesty. Which is a total lol. Meanwhile Nicole was being sanctimonious by the well with Laetitia, talking about how honourable everyone was at the last tribal council and how important it is to stick to the plan – which gets her to the end – and hopefully Laetitia doesn’t crack and start making decisions that benefit herself. 

The girls then collected treemail which brought the news of the Survivor Auction, which filled Jacques with hope that he could buy an advantage and live to fight another day. They met Nico in a clearing where they discovered it wasn’t an auction, and instead everyone gets a reward based on chance. They drew numbers for spots which corresponding with their prize, with Nicole getting a big ol’ chocolate cake. Which she can not touch, or she is out of the challenge. Next up Laetitia got the option of a covered item, or to steal Nicole’s cake, opted for the covered item of bangers and mash. Mike got his covered item, or the cake or bangers with Mike too taking the mystery item instead of disappointing Nicole. Jacques stole Mike’s mystery item, while Mike got the next mystery item which we learnt was a glass of water and the chance to beg for scraps. Durao stole the scraps reward, leaving Mike with a letter from home for him and one other person. Steffi then stole Jacques’ mystery box, giving Jacques a new mystery item while Rob ended with Durao’s scrap reward, leaving Durao with a shot tonne of biltong and beer. With everyone getting a chance to steal, Nicole went again and stole Rob’s scraps prize and handed him the cake. Nico then asked Jacques and Steffi to uncover their items, with Jacques getting bacon, eggs and coffee while Steffi was sent to the Island of Secrets.

With Steffi booted from the group, Mike handed out his spare letter to Laetitia before Nicole started to scavenge while Mike and Laetitia broke down. Nico then counted down their remaining eating time, with everyone stuffing their faces and leaving like squirrels. Everyone returned to camp full of the joys, with Nicole thanking everyone for their spoils though most grateful for Steffi for blocking Jacques from getting the chance of an advantage. Mike and Laetita then read their letters to everyone, leading to a group hug which was super sweet and hopefully will lead to a flip.

Knowing he is pretty much screwed, Mike approached Jacques and Durao to see whether they would be keen to band together and save themselves from Rob and Steffi’s regime. Jacques questioned whether Nicole would be interested in joining them, with Mike confident that she is in sadly unaware that she and Durao are not. Durao approached Rob with the latest update, completely unaware that this is far from being in his best interests.

Meanwhile on the Island of Secrets Steffi discovered that her prize was a private visit from her best friend and a shit tonne of kebabs and pina coladas, and honestly seeing how happy she was softened me to her. Her bestie then got a confessional (or two) which made me angry that she has received more coverage than Sam on Australian Survivor. They then spoke game, with Steffi sharing that she wants to stick with Rob until the end which thankfully Gina told her was the shittest idea as she is sure to lose and as such, she needs to get a gameface on and focus on winning rather than looking sweet and praise Gina, Steffi has won me over again.

Gina, thank you. You’re an icon and I am interested in the season again.

Nico and Steffi returned to the game for the immunity challenge where everyone would have to pull a rope to balance a board on which they need to build a house of cards with the first to reach the top winning. Jacques opted to focus on planning, looking at how many tiles it would take to get to the top. Durao got out to an early lead before dropping, followed by Steffi losing everything, then Jacques and Mike within seconds. Laetitia had to undo some of her work to get enough cards before Rob, Durao and Nicole lost their stacks. Mike lost a few blocks before Steffi lost hers again. Followed again, by Durao. Mike and Rob slowly started to pull away, with a last minute change of direction securing Mike immunity by the skin of his teeth.

Back at camp Mike was jubilant to get immunity when he needed it most before Steffi started to tell everyone about her fake experience at the Island of Secrets, getting nothing more than a bowl of rice. While everyone pretended to have sympathy, Jacques knew it was a bold faced lie and was hopeful that he could use her lies to woo someone into helping him boot her from the game. She then caught up with Nicole and Laetitia with the trio trying to figure out how to split the vote and then lowkey floating the idea that the trio goes to final tribal council together. That being said, she still wants Jacques and Mike out next to guarantee that Rob thinks nothing is up. Meanwhile Rob, Durao and Mike caught up to plan the vote for Jacques, offering them Steffi as the following boot instead to keep everyone in line. Rob then approached his legit alliance to fill them in that Mike and Durao are keen to take Jacques out and that then they will target Steffi, to guarantee their loyalty to Rob for the next tribal, giving them the safety to get rid of one of them next. Which is some 5D chess TBH.

Jacques continued to scurry around the island, desperate to find the newly hidden idol though tragically unable to find the idol right near him at the well. Durao and Rob then caught up with the latter assuring him that he and the girls are voting Jacques, so he and Mike need to vote for Laetitia. He then caught up with the girls who told him in no uncertain terms that the targets need to go from three to two, which meant that Rob had to return to the boys to get them to load their votes on Steffi so that if required, he can play his idol for Steffi and keep their four safe. While Jacques continued to pace for the idol, Laetitia casually walked past and spotted the idol that was right in front of him, snatching it for herself and giving the icon a safety. Please Queen Laetitia become Shane Gould 2.0.

At tribal council Mike continued to bask in the glow of his immunity victory, hopeful that the vote goes to plan for him. Rob pretended that he was feeling vulnerable, while Jacques was confident that he is well and truly screwed this time, particularly since he is unable to talk to anyone at camp. Nicole admitted that the tribe isn’t one big happy family, but isn’t sure which plans are just bluffs and as such she will continue to stick with those she trusts. Durao said that he plans to trust his gut and as such is confident that he is safe, and that Jacques will find himself getting the boot tonight. Jacques pointed out that if he is booted, somebody else because the new target and he is sure that people on the jury wished that they had flipped before they got the boot. Jacques admitted that he is the only person not involved in anyone’s final three scenarios, with Durao saying he plans to go with the strongest people at the end. Jacques continued to point out that people are on the bottom and as such, they need to flip before it is too late.

Nico pointed out that after this tribal council, the jury will be bigger than those left in the game with Laetitia shading Mike for not being able to figure out that number. Nico then joked that maybe he did and that is why he is wearing immunity, which made Mike nervous that Nico is trying to make him a target. Nicole pointed out that they need to focus on those in the game over the jury, as if they focus on the latter they may not survive long enough to face them. With that the tribe voted and Jacques’ luck ran out, booted from the game and (just before the family visit too).

Dear sweet Jacques is the best I could hope for if I ever made it onto Survivor. A superfan – or ultra, sorry – that manages to throw the target off their back, find a string of advantages and then be undone by swearing like a sailor when everyone is being way too sanctimonious. I told him that as I pulled him into my arms and apologised, wondering if the burger curse had replaced the pizza curse on Survivor. Oh, as I served him a warm Jacqualaka Burger.

This Steers copycat is pretty damn tasty, despite coming early than I need it in the running order. A fresh charred patty piled on a bed of chakalaka and dripping in Monkey Gland Sauce, it is so good I will let it slide.

Enjoy!

Jacqualaka Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
salt and pepper, to taste
olive oil
4 Kirsten Bunst
1-2 cups chakalaka
1 tomato, sliced
⅓ cup Monkey Gland Sauce

Method
Combine the mince in a bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper and scrunch to combine. Shape into four patties and place on some baking paper.

Heat a small lug of olive oil in a large skillet and cook the patties for a couple of minutes each side.

To assemble, split the buns and toast the middles on the skillet. Top with some chakalaka, some slices of tomato, the patty and a generous lug of monkey gland.

Devour, immediately, heartbroken to have missed the family visit.


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Christian Hubisquie

Main, Soup, Survivor, Survivor: David vs. Goliath, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor four Davids and four Goliaths remained in the game, however Nick and Gabby realised that they needed to turn on fellow David Christian – confusing, no? – if they wanted to have a chance of winning. Sadly for them Davie warned him of the plan allowing him to play his idol and save himself, resulting is Gabby herself being blindsided from the game.

Things were relatively calm when Kalokalo returned to camp with everyone congratulating Christian on his well played idol. Despite voting for him at tribal, Nick went and congratulated him and tried to clear the air – again – and while he was sad the plan failed, he was glad to be able to hide a fake immunity idol in the hopes that he could get them to stop looking and snag himself the rehidden one. However while he, Angelina and Mike caught up with Christian by the raft, he decided to find the fake one. Mike took the intel back to Kara and Davie, and while Kara believed it, Davie didn’t believe that it would be hidden under the raft and figured out Nick was faking it (clearly he’s never heard of Ben)! The next morning Davie went searching for the idol the next morning, hoping to avoid Nick getting a second and powering to the final three. He then pulled in Christian and told him that Nick did have two idols and that they need to deal with him ASAP.

Confused? Same.

My boy Probst returned for this week’s reward challenge – for a helicopter ride to a luxury feast – where the tribe would be required to untangle themselves from a rope, gathering enough to make it through obstacle and throw bags to knock over all their blocks. The challenge was a complete blowout, with Davie knocking off most of his blocks before anyone even started throwing. Sadly for him he didn’t have enough rope, leaving him only two bags to throw with as Nick closed the gap. He and Nick continued to throw with one block remaining each before Davie just snatched victory. As Probst is want to do, he gave Davie the chance to invite one person along with him, paying Nick back for the family visit. He then got a second opportunity, leading to Angelina doing what she does best, begging to come along on reward for giving up her shot at immunity for the tribe’s rice. Sadly Davie gave zero fucks, taking Kara as she protected him during the swap. Much to Angelina’s chagrin.

When the losers returned to camp Angelina continued to seethe and shared her feelings with everyone. She then made a massive pot of rice, and TBH I am scared for Davie’s safety. Meanwhile Davie and his frenemy Nick and bestie Kara arrived at the reward where they quickly got to work smashing a tonne of food. After Nick went to have a food nap, Davie filled Kara in on Nick’s idols and the two vowed to blindside him at the next tribal. They returned to camp well fed, before Kara pulled Alison aside to bring her in on the Nick blindside, bringing joy to Alison as she finally feels safe. Alison then approached Mike to see if he would join them and while he agreed that Nick is a big threat, he isn’t sure he is the most pressing one at this moment.

Davie got up early the next morning to go hunting for the real rehidden idol, which he quickly found. Wait no, it was a note for an advantage which told him to go to the end of the beach where he was greeted by a Ghost Island set up which handed him an idol and gave him the opportunity to risk his vote to extend its power, like the great Chris Noble. Thankfully Davie isn’t an idiot, knowing it is too late in the game to risk his vote, sticking with its single-tribal power.

Probst returned for this week’s reward challenge where everyone would have to stand on a narrow perch and balance a bunch of balls on a disc, which you know is my favourite as I live for Probst ball puns. Everyone survived the single ball round, however Kara and Angelina quickly dropped when they added a second, Davie’s separated – which is uncomfortable – and he soon followed them, as did Christian, leaving Alison, Mike and Nick to battle it out for immunity. Nick dropped just before they moved to the three ball round where they both struggled almost instantly as Alison’s dropped out of nowhere handing Mike individual immunity and continuing the no repeat winners streak.

Back at camp Mike was feeling confident and ready to make a big move and take control of the game. Meanwhile Nick felt taking out Alison is the most pressing issue, while Kara is still pushing to get rid of Nick. And I just remembered that Christian is here since he has been non-existent this episode. Mike must have had the realisation too and decided that it is still critical to target Christian since he doesn’t have immunity nor an idol, trying to convince Alison and Nick to join his cause. Meanwhile Nick and Davie caught up, with Nick admitting his idol find was completely fake and as such, Davie was back being aligned with Nick and was ready to take out Alison. Mike noticed Nick talking to Christian and Davie, and decided it was time to make sure Nick was loyal to him. This led to Mike telling Nick about the plot against him leaving the votes split and hopefully, Mike can rally enough to send Christian home.

At tribal council Nick spoke about the game not slowing down, Angelina admitted to focusing on keeping the right people to take her to the end and Davie was confused about how to figure out who he trusts. Christian worried about who was willing to work with him, rather than whether they’ve voted against him before, while Alison and Davie brought up the fluid nature of the game and needed to adapt tribal to tribal. Mike agreed, hoping that he can play with everyone, Nick praised everyone for playing a good game and Alison tried to deflect being a threat. Which Christian agreed was a difficult label to shake, not wanting to break Laura Morrett’s vote record from Blood vs. Water. Mike admitted that immunity made him confident, making people nervous look around as they headed off to vote.

Before Probst had a chance to tally the votes, Davie played his idol for himself which led to Nick playing an idol. Psyche it was fake, he just wanted to read the room and while Angelina assured him he was safe, he opted to play his real idol as well. Two votes rolled in for Davie – which obvi did not count – while two also fell to Alison and Christian, with Mike’s plan coming together and a third vote ultimately taking Christian out of the game. And burning the remaining idols – YAS!

While he was obviously disappointed to be out of the game, Christian took his loss in stride and was happy to be voted out in a complex manner with vote splits and multiple idols. With that, we laughed, cried and ran some puzzle codes before sitting down to a piping hot bowl of Christian Hubisquie.

 

 

My favourite colour of Nutrimetics lipstick owned by my mother was Lobster Bisque, obviously, because to a four year old, bisque is a hilarious word. In any event I always thought that one day I would have lobster bisque, until I learnt that lobster was seafood. Which is the long way of telling you, lobster is out, tomato is in and all is right so in the world.

Well except for the fact Christian was booted. But enjoy!

 

 

Christian Hubisquie
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 tbsp unsalted butter
1 tbsp olive oil
2 onions, diced
6 garlic cloves, minced
2 carrots, halved and sliced
2 celery stalks, sliced
2 tbsp flour
4 cups chicken stock
800g can diced tomatoes
small handful of parsley, roughly chopped
1 tbsp fresh thyme leaves
2 bay leaves
1 cup cream
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Melt the butter in a dutch oven over medium heat with the oil until well combined and a little foamy. Add the onion and sweat for five minutes, stirring occasionally allowing it to get charred to add to the flavour. Add the garlic, carrot and celery and cook for a further five of minutes.

Add the flour and cook, stirring, for a minute or two, or until it loses its flouriness. Add the stock, tomatoes and herbs and quickly stir to combine. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for half an hour, stirring occasionally.

Remove from the heat and blitz with a stick blender until smooth. Stir through the cream, season and return to heat until cooked through. Serve immediately with a dash of fresh cream.

 

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Steve Biliss Balls

Uncategorized

Previously on Australian Survivor Benji continued to slither his way through the competition however taking out Mat and humiliating Sharn made him a target. Particularly with Shane, who reminded us not to fuck with Shane Gould. Shane and Sharn took their opportunity at reward, swinging Monika and Brian back to their side. Not to be outdone, Brian found an idol and then won himself individual immunity. Things got tense at tribal council as Shonee whipped out her vote steal and snatched away Sharn’s vote in the hope of getting her out. Sadly for her, Monika and Brian flipped on Benji and rendered her move useless, sending the self proclaimed king out of the camp.

Back at camp Sharn was shocked to still be in the game, pulling Monika and Steve in for a big hug and hot damn I am jealous. Full of joy, she was hopeful that Brian and Monika were back with them and she can make it to the end. Sadly for her however, Brian immediately caught up with Shonella to assure them that he just wanted to get out Benji and the four of them will stick together to get to the end.

The next day Sharn was still feeling zen to be back in the game while Steve further slipped into my heart, loving the lack of people around to interact with. They then marvelled at Shane  and how much of a tough icon she is, dominating at camp, kicking ass and providing Steve with life advice and I’m crying. I mean, Steve was giggling like a school when Shane called him a grumpy old man … which is what MISH BRIDGES says to him. He then went down a Mish rabbithole and please let this be a family visit episode. Anyway – I ship Steve and Shane and need a moment to feel my feels.

Shane meanwhile is glad that they’ve become close friends, but more importantly she wants to win and she is not going home without a title. She is thrilled to be leading the Champions alliance, however she isn’t happy that Brian and the girls used Shonee’s advantage to take a shot at Sharn. Nor is she happy about them flushing Brian’s ego. Shane then decided that she plans to split up Shonella to weaken Brian’s game, and debated the merits of Fenella or Shonee first.

Speaking of Shonella, they were watching Brian catch fish and skinny dip while they stroked his ego. No doubt much to Shane’s chagrin. Meanwhile Brian was worried about what Monika was thinking, given they both flipped on the girls and she seemed to be gravitating towards the Champions. Monika caught up with Shonella to assure them that she was still with them and Brian, while they all started to worry about Steve trying to find a bond with Monika. On day 40, which they all agreed was sketchy slash extremely obvious.

Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where everyone would balance an idol on the end of a seesaw, with the last idol standing winning immunity. Brian and Steve spoke about the pain in their glutes before Shane became the first one out, followed by Fenella and Sharn after seven minutes. Brian did his best tennis player impression, grunting his way through the pain while Steve stood like a sta … nope, Steve was next to drop leaving Brian, Shonee and Monika to battle it out. After twelve minutes Brian dropped, leaving the girls to stand still in a battle of wills before Monika dropped and Shonee was shocked to take out immunity. I mean, Shane may be over her but damn that reaction was gorg.

Oh and then Jonathan dropped dropped a bomb on everyone, telling them that instead of booting someone at tribal tonight, the person that gets the most votes becomes the Dead Man Walking. While it sounds hella ominous, it only strips the person of their vote at the next two tribal councils. And while yes, that sucks, they can still win immunity and participate in everything at camp, so if you’re smart, you could make it work.

Back at camp Sharn knew that the end game would come down to whichever side doesn’t get lumbered with the dead man walking. She and Shane went to get water and discuss who to target, agreeing that Fenella is the best bet as it instantly neutralises Shonella being a duo. Sharn approached Monika to talk about targeting Fenella, which she quickly agreed to before having a minor breakdown over how hard the game is getting. Sharn went to Steve and Shane to tell them all the good news, which seemed to arouse suspicion in Brian. And Shane, who really felt like she couldn’t trust Monika despite the fact she desperately needs her. With both Monika and Shane agreeing to take each other to the final three, despite neither believing it.

Brian pulled Shonella and Monika aside to discuss who they should target for dead man walking, with Brian pushing for Steve and the girls desperately wanting to take Shane’s vote. While Brian wasn’t convinced about targeting her, Fenella worked overtime pointing out how Shane is the better option. Brian then pulled Monika aside to point out how important it was to get rid of Steve’s vote, leading to her breaking down about how difficult the entire thing is.

At tribal council JoJo quickly filled the jury in on the final twist of the season before Sharn admitted to being shocked by it and Shane pragmatically said that she isn’t scared of the dead man walking going back to camp, since it is a straight up fact. Sharn quickly went in pointing out that people need to take advantage of the twist to neutralise some of the bigger threats. Monika sounded like she started to falter about flipping, leading to Sharn reminding her that fortune favours the brave. Shane admitted that the tribe is fractured and identified Shonella as a power couple, while Steve shared that they are a non-factor to him as other people are busy trying to work with them, so he can’t be bothered. Jonathan tried to hype up their power status, while power Monika grew more and more confused. Sharn continued to play hard to get her over to their side, while Shonee and Brian whispered to change their target to Steve. With that the tribe voted and Monika played it smart, sticking with her alliance and voting for Steve to become the dead man walking.

Which you know pissed Shane off and will hopefully give us the glorious reminder not to fuck with Shane Gould.

Back at camp, Steve was feeling pissed and served some killer facial expressions whilst going in on Monika. Reminding her that he, Sharn and Shane are the only ones working around camp and she is completely blinded by Brian. And though I love zaddy Steve, it was the best move for Monika TBH. Shane and Sharn pretended to be sympathetic to an emotional Monika, telling her she was played by Brian and they’d be willing to work with her moving forward.

The next day Shane and Sharn caught up to work through their pain, while Shonee was giddy about how everything fell out at tribal. And now that Brian and Monika are loyal, she is excited to no longer be playing the bottom. Which is probably the first time we’ve disagreed. Brian too was thrilled that Steve is the Dead Man Walking and to be in control. Sadly for both of them, Sharn was confident in her abilities to pull Monika back to their side and highlight how dangerous the Brionella trio are.

Monika arrived back at camp with treemail where they learnt that as part of being Dead Man Walking, Steve would be sent immediately to Exile Beach and wouldn’t return until the next immunity challenge. With one less person in camp, Sharn decided to corner Monika to commence pulling her back over to save her game. And most importantly, Sharn’s. Monika proved her skills as a master barrister playing on her ego and her insecurities to rebuild their relationship.

At the reward challenge the tribe were split in half to compete in an obstacle course for an Indian feast – Samosas, Saag Paneer or Mango Chicken, anyone? I think this reward is just my leftovers?! Anyway the teams would be required to send two people out in the ocean to use symbols to decode a puzzle which they would then use to open a lock … releasing balls which the remaining person will land on a trough. Shonella and Monika faced off against Brian, Sharn and Shane, with Monika using Shonee and Sharn’s time in the drink – Matt Chisholm forever – to get advice from Shane, who was having none of it. Shonee got her team out to a sizable lead until Monika found a new nemesis other than bellyflopping, drifting out to sea while Shane closed the gap and took a lead for the Champion trio like the graceful dolphin that she is. Brian shot his first balls before Monika even made it back to shore, oh wait no, he won reward for his team while she was still adrift.

At reward – which I can confirm, I made – Sharn and Shane were delighted to see the paint and cutlery. The girls toasted their success before Queen Shane asked Brian where he stood and what his thoughts were for the endgame. He admitted that he voted against Steve because like Shonella, he sees him as a threat leaving it open for Shane to start working on getting rid of Fenella instead of Steve, if they guarantee his safety moving forward. Brian however didn’t trust it, and told them that if Steve won immunity one of them will be going next. Which Shane shockingly opted out of commenting on.

Speaking of Steve, we checked in with him at Exile Beach where he endeavoured to see the positives and treat it like a holiday. He then looked through his photos and letters from home, and reflected on how great a relationship he has with Sharn and Shane. He then was fired up and hot damn am I thirsting for zaddy Steve.

Everyone reunited at the immunity challenge – with Steve the happiest we’ve seen him all game – where they would each be required to balance a ball on the end of an ever-extending pole while scaling obstacles, before using a ledge to drop it into a bucket. Steve, Fenella and Shane got out to an early lead, while Brian and Shonee languished at the back of the pack. Steve continued to extend his lead with his killer ball and pole workmanship, with Fenella and Brian desperately working the pole to try and close the gap. I mean, who can’t manage two metres of pole? Sadly zaddy Steve dropped his ball allowing Brian to catch-up, the boys were back and forth at the gutters until Brian, somehow, snatched victory.

Back at camp Shonella congratulated Brian on his victory, while Shane and Sharn simmered. Shonella, Brian and Monika then discussed plans for the upcoming tribal, with Brian suggestion they should split the votes between Steve and Sharn to safeguard against the idol. The underdogs went to get water with Steve sharing a haul of fruit his allies whilst trying to figure a way out of their mess. Shane Gould spoke about herself in the third person whilst trying to formulate a way to save her friends and break up the power structure. Shane decided Sharn should work to pull Monika over to their side and blindside Fenella during the split. Proving to be as wily as they say, Brian could see what they were planning and worked overtime to convince Monika to stick with him. Sharn however was a formidable foe, working her magic on Monika to swing back to the Champions.

Before heading out to tribal Steve joined the fray trying to sow some distrust in Brian’s mind, pointing out that if he goes Brian will become the biggest threat and as such he needs to adjust his game. Steve then spoke sports and while I was confused, I loved it all.

At tribal council Steve continued to let his zaddy flag fly, talking about the fact he may not have a vote but he still has a vote. Fenella deemed him a threat, leaving Steve to point out that he is yet to win a challenge while the likes of Brian, Sharn and Shonee have dominated. While Shonee admitted she felt her’s was a fluke, Steve told her that he believed she is a threat – motivational zaddy. Monika said that what makes a threat is different to everyone, while Steve went aggressive and said that this tribal is him or someone else and if it is him, he will work that jury to not reward anyone he doesn’t like/respect.

Shane then threw shade at Shonella for not being helpful around camp, suggesting everyone go out to Exile and see who really can survive. Brian countered that Shane has been carried through challenges, leaving Steve to rise to be the feminist-ageist icon that he is and defend her honour and tell him to treat her with some respect. He then said that Monika too has been carried, pissing her off and making me hella confused. With that, the tribe voted and surprisingly the vote split remained and were divided equally amongst Sharn, Fenella and Steve. On the revote, however, things didn’t go zaddy Steve’s way and he found himself becoming the latest member of the sausage-fest jury. Which is a movie I’d watch the shit out of. Anyway, as a close personal friend of The Biggest Loser franchise, I’ve been friends with Mish and Steve for years and was honoured to be on site to whip him up a batch of Steve Biliss Balls to dull the pain.

 

 

While they are healthy enough to keep Steve happy, these babies are totally delicious. Nutty and smooth, sweet and salty, I just can’t get enough of these balls in my mouth.

Enjoy!

 

 

Steve Biliss Balls
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
6 medjool dates, pitted and soaked in boiling water for 5 mins
⅔ cup almond meal
2 tbsp natural peanut butter
1 tbsp chia seeds
1 tsp vanilla extract
¼ cup 70% cocoa chocolate, finely chopped
1/4 cup desiccated coconut for rolling

Method
Drain the dates and place in the food processor with the almond meal, peanut butter, chia seeds and vanilla. Blitz until well combined. If the mixture is too crumbly, add some more peanut butter until it is just holding and sticky. Fold through the dark chocolate.

Shape the mixture into little balls, roll in coconut and transfer to the fridge to set for an hour.

Devour, giddily, knowing you’re loved. Like we all love The Commando.

 

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Kellyn Specktolmado Salad

Salad, Side, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Ghost Island, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Kellyn finally opted out of being Naviti strong and decided to take control with the rest of the women. Sadly for her, she underestimated Laurel’s bond with Wendell and Domenick, leaving her and Donathan stuck in the middle and completely unsure which side to align with. While they felt they had a better chance of beaten the women, the path to the end was unclear and as such, they stuck with the boys and booted Chelsea from the game. Or at least, I think he name was Chelsea?

Back at camp Kellyn was feeling the pain of losing her closest ally on top of her new alliance, so she approached Sebastian and tied to win him back and find a way forward. Meanwhile Laurel and Donathan reconvened the next day and weren’t sure whether they can trust Kellyn and Angela, since final seven is really the last chance to get rid of the boys without them playing an idol. Particularly since they had the chance to boot them last night and they didn’t take it. While Donathan was keen to make the jump, Laurel appeared to be undecided and that started to concern him. As such, he approached Kellyn to float the idea of an alliance and wrestling back control in the game.

My babe Probsty returned for what looked like a huge reward challenge where they would be paired up and required to roll spools through an obstacle and run to the end and catch it. They’d then add extra spools until one of the pairs dropped out. They all drew for the right to be captains to pick their partner, with Kellyn picking Sebastian, Wendell picking Dom and Donathan picking Laurel, leaving Angela out of the reward to deliver stuff to the community or going to Ghost Island. All the pairs seemed to be working well together with two spools however the third created some panic. By the time the fourth was added, it became extremely nerve racking with Donathan and Wendell narrowly avoiding disaster before adding the fifth and final spool. Sebastian and Kellyn were the first to drop followed closely by Laurel and Donathan, handing Wendell and Dom yet another victory. They quickly selected Laurel to join them delivering supplies and smashing some chicken wings and cake – much to Donathan’s chagrin … get ‘em Don – followed by booting Sebastian to Ghost Island.

Sebastian arrived at Ghost Island, excited to potential snatch an advantage and get himself off the boy’s coattails. He quickly won the chance to play, winning Sarah’s Steal a Vote that sent Michaela home in Game Changers and was misplayed by Kellyn when Michael was tragically booted early this season.

Wendell, Dom and Laurel arrived at the community, greeted by a sea of adorable school kids who were thrilled to see new supplies. All three quickly jumped in and started playing with the kids before sitting together for a feast, with Wendell glad they could pick Laurel to try and keep her loyal. Thankfully she took the time to acknowledge that she hoped to have them split the votes, allowing her to pick up the rest and sneak a win, which seemed to be her smartest option. Sadly for them, that is just what she is saying and she is more than ready to cause some drama and boot them out.

The next day Wendell tried to reassure Donathan that they were all good, with Donathan quickly pointing out that he’ll vote for Dom if he is on the jury. He then went further and said that he doesn’t see Wendell even making it to the end though, since Dom knows he is a threat. Wendell retaliated by saying that that would give Dom motivation to boot him. Speaking of whom, arrived to check in on how they were going before Don continued to scare them by saying he has no chance beating them so doesn’t know what to do. Sadly, that made Dom confident that he needs to slit his throat first. Not Don-Don!

Probtsy returned for this week’s immunity challenge where the castaways were required to race and retrieve planks to build a bridge and move to another set of planks which will form a ladder … up to a slide puzzle, which once solved will secure the victor immunity. Wendell got out to an early lead with the puzzle, followed closely by Sebastian. While they made it to the ladder well ahead, Dom and Laurel soon closed the gap. Wendell completed the ladder first, followed by Sebastian, Laurel and Domenick. While Wendell finished the puzzle first, he never called ‘Jeff’ to come check the puzzle giving Laurel the opportunity to sneak in and grab immunity. Which he was not thrilled about, though ultimately accepted the ruling.

When they arrived back at camp, Laurel started to feel guilty about potentially getting rid of Wendell since she snatched immunity. Which he clearly tried to play on. Meanwhile Wendell and Domenick were concerned about Donathan’s scrambling, though still though Kellyn was the bigger threat. Laurel and Don joined the conversation, with Donathan saying that he’d rather them tell him if they’re going to blindside. This pissed the boys off, who vowed to creep around and make him even more concerned. They then fiddled around with idols and bags in front of him, which he questioned and went into a panic right on cue. He then ran to Kellyn, giving them a chance to talk to Angela and Sebastian about getting him out. Wendell then threw Kellyn’s name back at out for good measure as they were leaving for tribal, leaving everyone hella confused.

At tribal council Michael still looked beautiful … sorry, Probst brought up challenge-gate at how they were all falling apart mentally. Dom then brought up the bag set-up and outed Donathan as being paranoid and tried to make him look bag. While they tried to go in, Donathan stood up for himself and said that he was pissed that since they’re meant to be working together, they shouldn’t be keeping secrets from him. Kellyn then started talking about being nervous, while the boys whispered amongst themselves leading to Donathan cutting her off and saying he is the only one that should be feeling nervous since the boys were whispering behind their backs. There were echoes of Keith’s stick to the plan moment – reverse the curse Keith! – leaving Donathan – who Dom refused to loop in, since he told Dom to not talk to him moments earlier – and Kellyn even more nervous about what was about to transpire. Once again no idols were played despite the madness, which was a good thing for the boys as the votes piled up on Kellyn and Donathan leaving them tied. While Dom and Wendell whispered about who to take out, they refused to divulge the information to Angela and Sebastian – big mistake – as they went to revote.

While Donathan grabbed his bag after the first vote featured his name, the boys opted to keep him around and sent Kellyn from the game. Much to both Donathan and Kellyn’s surprise. Thankfully Kellyn took her boot like a champ, just thrilled by having had the opportunity to play the game … and to have met her boyfie Bradles! On the flipside, I was thankful to hear her say that Naviti strong was the only option she had after her boyfriend slash scapegoat left the game and all the Malolo blood on her hands and she wasn’t just a mindless fool. With that assurance, I was glad to turn around and serve her up a big old Kellyn Specktolmado Salad.

 

 

The crisp saltiness of the speck, mixed with the sweet tomato and basil combination are a match made in heaven. Then when you add in the bocconcini and rocket, you’re in heaven. Heaven I tells you!

Enjoy!

 

 

Kellyn Specktolmado Salad
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
150g speck, diced
4 tomatoes, diced
200g bocconcini, torn
100g rocket
1 tbsp red wine vinegar
1 tbsp olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Heat a frying pan over medium heat and cook the speck until crispy. Remove from the pan to drain on some kitchen towel.

Meanwhile combine everything else in a large bowl and toss to combine before adding the speck.


Serve immediately and devour.

 

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Slawren Rimmer

Salad, Side, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor, Ben continued his ascension finding an idol and successfully playing double agent between Chrissy and Ryan, and his new alliance with Lauren, Ashley and Devon. Sadly for him, Ashley and Devon knew that he was a threat and floated the possibility. Luckily for him, they didn’t flip – yet – instead getting rid of Ryan’s idol and Joe in one fell swoop.

Back at camp Mike was feeling extremely vulnerable after being completely unaware of what happened at the last vote. Things were looking worse for Ryan and Chrissy however, with Ben’s duplicity out in the open and him not interested in giving them an explanation. Chrissy felt the attack was personal, which motivated her to fight harder for her family.

You know what that means … FAMILY VISIT TIME! Probst arrived for the reward challenge the next day, which the castaways would run in pairs … with their loved one. We met Ashley’s dad coherent Mickey Rourke, Ryan’s dad who looks like a straight Liberace, Mike’s wife who I can’t even mock because they are so in love and now I’m crying. Lauren’s sister arrived to hug Probst then Lauren, who we should all be thankful for as she is the reason Lauren applied. Chrissy and her husband had a tearful reunion, as did Devon and his mum – again, I’m crying … give torso the money already – and Ben and his wife, who looks so young it is concerning, until you realise he is only in his early thirties.

With the tears out of the way, the castaways and their family got to the challenge which was literally just everyone picking either a white or black marble and hoping they match. Lauren went first and was immediately eliminated, as were Mike and Ryan. Ben and Chrissy each matched with their spouses before Ashley and Devon were eliminated. In the second round, Ben and his wife were eliminated, handing Chrissy and her husband the win. It was literally the most boring challenge since the Samoan bocce competition, begging the question, was this done to free up more airtime? In any event, Chrissy was allowed to pick three other castaways to enjoy the reward, choosing Ryan, Mike and Ashley. Of course, Chrissy reiterated that it was a message to Ben not to cross her.

Back at camp the victors and their families got to work catching up and devouring a barbecue. Well everyone but Chrissy who focussed her time on telling her husband the lay of the land and using him to help her get Ashley on board. While Ashley still agrees he is the biggest threat, she still is unsure whether it is the right time.

Speaking of Ben, he used his quiet time to construct a fake idol to hide. Tragically he told Devon and Lauren about the fake idol, rendering it pointless. Particularly when the entire thing is just a revenge plot against Chrissy. In any event, the three went hunting for the real idol which Lauren found and immediately shared with the boys. Well half off it, the other half being a shell stashed in front of her platform at the next immunity challenge.

Of course that mention lead to Probst’s return, where the castaways were required to hold two discs against posts on opposite sides of their station. Given Devon’s wingspan, he appeared to be the only person not struggling with the challenge as Ben, Chrissy and Ryan all dropped out within a matter of minutes. After around half an hour Lauren decided enough was enough, quitting the challenge, and using the free time to grab the shell component of her immunity idol. Mike dropped out soon after, leaving Devon and Ashley to fight it out. Not that there was much of a fight as they negotiated that the loser would get a shoulder massage from the winner, leading to Devon dropping instantly and handing a second immunity to Ashley.

The tribe returned to camp where Devon’s massage got delayed by Lauren, Devon and Ashley debating who to take out, with Devon convinced Chrissy was the biggest threat while Ashley still wasn’t sure whether to take out Ben. Sadly for them, Ben appeared from behind the bushes after hearing everything they spoke about. With that, Ben approached Mike to make a move, immediately spilling the deets on Lauren’s idol and extra votes. This filled Mike with confidence as Ben approached Ryan about reconnecting to instead vote out Lauren.

Not to be outdone, Chrissy approached Devon about taking out Ben … until he appeared behind her. She flipped out on Ben, though they managed to reach a tentative truce as he floated the possibility of flipping on Lauren. Until she decided it was another of Ben’s ruses, leading to her wanting revenge. Given shit was hitting every fan, Mike approached Devon and Ashley to fill them in on the counter attack to take out Lauren. They took said intel to Lauren, who then decided it was a good idea to give the shell component of her idol to Mike as a show of faith … RENDERING IT USELESS. I mean, I love you Queen Rimmer but that is stupid.

With that Solewa arrived at tribal council where everything started off calmly, with Probst talking about Devon and Ashley talking about being aligned when decided who should win immunity. That is until Devon accidentally left Ben off his list of allies, leading to Ben calling him out for trying to turn on him. Lauren then joined the fray and called him out for coming after her. Chrissy then mentioned Lauren’s advantages, Ben came clean about his fake idol and then Mike – ma’ fuckin’ Mike – threw Lauren’s shell idol in fire, rendering it completely useless. Everyone then fought over who Lauren should give the extra vote to – no fucking joke – before Ryan and Mike started whispering.

No joke, it was completely insane.

Things briefly calmed down before Devon walked over to talk to Mike about switching to Ben, while Chrissy and Ryan locked in their vote for Lauren. Channelling Hali, Devon got sick of the confusion and requested they all just vote. Ben then surprised everyone by pulling out his real idol – while wearing his fake – negating every single vote but his own, which sent Lauren out of the game and into my distraught, loving arms at Ponderosa.

While she was just subject to a historic, heartbreaking blindside – the first person idolled out by a single vote – Lauren appeared to be pretty darn chipper when she arrived at Ponderosa.I however wasn’t feeling chipper. I cried, I smashed glasses on walls like a housewife and tried to woo Cole slash JP for some comfort, so I could in turn provide comfort to my dear friend Loz.

Loz and I have been friend for years after I briefly took up fishing after watching The Perfect Storm. While I clearly misunderstood the point of the movie and fetishicised dying in an upturned boat, she took me under her wing and we became the ultimate of friends. The key to said friendship? An attraction to different types of people – I love rangas, she does not – and a big ol’ bowl of my spicy Slawren Rimmer.

 

 

A little bit spicy, a smidge of creaminess and a dickload of spice makes this slaw the perfect little slaw for some fried chicken … or maybe form a part of an epic recipe coming in the next fortnight. Maybe. You know?

Enjoy!

 

 

Slawren Rimmer
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
½ green cabbage, thinly sliced
½ red cabbage, thinly sliced
4 shallots, thinly sliced
2 carrots, julienned
1 red chilli, thinly sliced
small handful coriander leaves, roughly chopped
2 limes, juiced
3 tbsp rice vinegar
2 tbsp peanut oil
1 tbsp muscovado sugar

Method
Combine the cabbages, shallot, carrot, chilli and coriander in a large bowl, tossing heartily.

Whisk the lime juice, rice vinegar, peanut oil and muscovado sugar, toss through the salad and serve immediately.

Then, obvi, devour.

 

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