Month: November 2016

Sataylor Stocker Pizza

Main, Party Food, Poultry, Side, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, three became one, like in the throuple positive version the hit Spice Girls song where the old folks banded together with the nerd brigade – well all except maybe Adam – and sent Michelle out of the game … to the jury!

Back at camp, Jay got to work throwing a tantrum about Adam, Hannah and Zeke banding with the parents … despite the fact he turned on his previous ally Michaela. Taylor then jumped on the wagon, starting talking about legal warfare and I got very, very confused.

Did I mention Adam started yelling in confessionals again? Yeah, ride on dude.

Anyway, Taylor then sat down for an extended feasting segment praising himself for having more dirt on Adam than Adam does on him. Because, you know, finding an advantage that anyone could have found is far worse than stealing food and hiding it from the tribe in buried mason jars.

I will give our dim friend one thing though, it was pretty smart.

The next morning Jay and Hannah caught up about the previous vote where Hannah’s winner edit started as she calmly articulated why she turned on Jay and how she was loving her new play to win attitude as she built her resume.

Jiffy Pop dropped by to lord over the reward challenge where they were broken up into teams to win cocktails and burgers by the pool which is literally my dream date with Ken, though clothing optional.

Which reminds me, Ken looked insanely bangin’ while helping his team to victory (seriously, the heaving in the back during the bola throwing? Love heart eye emojis – he huffed and he puffed and he blew my pants down) – let’s hope I’m a profit!

Surprisingly – or not considering his questionable choices of late – Adam didn’t opt to steal the reward from Taylor, despite the fact it would have rendered his knowledge of the advantage moot and be acceptable considering everyone is aware of Taylor’s theft.

On reward, party-Bret emerged and chugged down a shit tonne of cocktails while Ken sunbaked. It didn’t provide much narrative wise but damn it was beautiful.

Back at camp Adam decided to take a leaf out of the Abi-Maria playbook and kick Jay while he was down. Thankfully Zeke and – who would have thought – Hannah were a bit more self-aware and tried to woo Jay and James Earl Jones back to their side.

Oh and Sunday is concerned Jessica wants to vote her out and talked to Jay about getting her out. Either I missed something big, or this came out of nowhere.

J-Pop returned for immunity where he was feeling nice and offered up some sandy-j’s and chips for those feeling safe or defeatist by their ball handling ability. Yep, that’s right, another challenge where they needed to be handy with balls … which was won by my potential new boyfriend Kengel. But that wasn’t a surprise to me, obviously.

The tribe arrived back at camp where the super-majority – who luckily for them have a far less likable rival than the Witches Coven – got together for a pow-wow and confirmed to split the vote between Jay and Taylor. Sunday however was still focused on getting rid of Jess.

Meanwhile Jay and Taylor got together for snacks where Taylor vowed to avenge Figgy’s boot … which is awkward considering he is about to have a baby with someone else.

At tribal, Jay and Taylor continued their assault on Adam forcing the kindly version of dear Abi to have a minor meltdown as he watched his game slowly fall apart in front of his eyes thanks to a hardcore mindfuck from the perceived dim-wit Taylor.

Sadly for the latter, it couldn’t save him and my totally rad friend Taylor was booted from the game. Did I not mention we met shredding the slopes together? We totally did.

While he was totally bummed to find himself out of the game, he was psyched to destroy Adam’s game on the way out. And obviously to see me and a fresh Sataylor Stocker Pizza.

 

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Given it was freezing in the snow and Tayls was too busy impregnating girls to keep me warm, I had to come up with something warm and spicy to bring our souls back from a hard day on the slopes.

And I totally thought it would work to cure post-boot pain too.

Which it did. Enjoy!

 

sataylor-stocker-pizza-2

 

Sataylor Stocker Pizza
Serves: 2-4.

Ingredients
pizza dough (I used the one from Pizsa Zsa Gabor)
passata or tomato paste, with a combination of herbs
2 chicken breasts, chopped into small pieces
½ cup satay sauce
1 onion, finely sliced
bunch spinach, roughly chopped
mozzarella cheese, grated

Method
Follow the dough recipe on Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

While that is getting totally sicky-sicky, nar-nar, fry chicken over medium heat and when nearly browned, add the satay sauce – you may want to use more and I am totally rad with that bro – and continue cooking for another five minutes.

When the dough is fresh out of the hidden mason jar, roll out two bases and slather each with the herby passata. Top generously with spinach and onion and place the reduced satay chicken on top. Cover with cheese – obviously I am quite liberal – and bake in the oven for about fifteen minutes, or until golden and bubbly.

And then, you guessed it, devour while doing something totally millennial, dude.

 

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Edward Berrcann Pull Apart

Dip, Oy with the turkeys already!, Party Food, Side, Snack

Oy, how my heart is breaking.

I was watching Kate McKinnon’s SNL cold open over the weekend, thinking I couldn’t possibly sob harder this week. Then I went back to visit Ed Herms one last time – I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to hurt as much as it did.

I’ve known Ed since the 70s, after meeting on the set of The Great Gatsby where I was involved in an affair with a strapping young chap by the name of Sam Waterston – fun fact, our relationship inspired his later show Grace & Frankie.

When the relationship ended in disaster, I caused a massive scene on set and it was Ed who stepped in, stopped me from getting kicked out and took me under his wing. That my friends, was the beginning of a beautiful friendship that lasted until his final breath.

Not wanting to arouse … suspicion and let him know how the future turns out – butterfly effect and all that … and by that, I hope that by not telling him the movie will be erased from history – I travelled back to the GG set during filming of the classic A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving.

It was such a treat to spend that little bit more time with him and celebrate filming a special episode for our favourite holiday together – I was an extra in Jackson’s family – and be reminded of the kind, loving presence he brought to set and, more importantly, my life.

Despite me worrying about how it would impact his health, I opted to stick with our old favourite for when he’d sit me down for a scotch to offer life advice, my Edward Berrcann Pull Apart.

 

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So yes, there is more than enough cheese in this little beauty to clog your arteries and bowel, and send your cholesterol through the roof. Well … maybe. I mean, I may be a doctor, but I am definitely not qualified. But how can you go past a shit tonne of cheese and bacon to simultaneously dull the pain of losing your friend and celebrate his beautiful life.

Exactly. Give thanks. Enjoy!

 

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Edward Berrcann Pull Apart
Serves: 1 Gilmore. 4-6 normals.

Ingredients
250g smoked bacon, diced
2 onions, diced
2 cloves of garlic, finely minced
1 tsp dried chilli flakes, optional … because you’re probably sick of me constantly using
chilli
115g butter, at room temperature
1 tbsp thyme leaves
1 cup vintage cheddar, grated
1 cup mozzarella, grated
cob loaf
handful chopped fresh parsley, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C.

Heat a large frying pan over medium heat and cook the bacon, stirring, until golden and crisp, or about five minutes. Add the bacon, garlic and chilli flakes and cook for a further five minutes. Reduce heat to low and gently cook, stirring for a further fifteen minutes, or until soft and juicy. Remove from the heat.

Add the thyme, butter and a good whack of salt and pepper to the frying pan, stir and leave to sit for about fifteen minutes.

Meanwhile, carve a 3 cm cross-hatch pattern into top of the loaf, stopping about half a centimetre from the base. Transfer the loaf to a lined baking sheet.

Stir the cheeses – leaving some for the top – through the bacon mixture and spoon generously into all of the slits. Push it back together as tightly as possible, despite it being a losing battle, top with the reserved cheeses and bake for about twenty minutes, or until golden and bubbly.

Garnish with parsley, you know, to make it healthy and devour.

 

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Lauren Graham Crackers

Baking, Oy with the turkeys already!, Side, Snack, Sweets

I honestly cannot believe I am sitting down to write about catching up with Lauren Graham in this context. I mean, a Gilmore Girls reunion has long been my dream but after the short lived wonder that was Bunheads, I feared that ASP wouldn’t be able to bequeath the only TV revival I ever wanted.

Outside of Golden Girls, obviously.

Don’t get me wrong, such a positive and hopeful person like me always dreamed that it would one day happen … I just thought Lauren and I would be catching up to celebrate the seminal movie Because I Said So’s tenth anniversary, before experiencing this wonder.

It is a fact universally acknowledged that 2016 has been absolute balls, but not in a good way, but (the horrifically named) Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life is something we can all take some time to be thankful for, which really makes it’s release so convenient for me and my Thanksgiving plans.

As you know, Annelie and I used to work as gophers on the set of the OG series until we were blacklisted for not letting go off our adopted triplets amnesia storyline – which *spoiler alert* was left unused in the revival.

While you may have assumed that is how we met and fell in love with Loz, we actually connected on the set of Caroline in the City whilst part of Lea Thompson’s entourage – our story inspired the teen movie, Heathers. Seeing a star on the rise, we jumped to join Loz’s far less angry clique and guided her to greatness.

Loz has been so busy in recent years, what with keeping Kleenex afloat via Parenthood – which to confess, I couldn’t watch as it just felt like she was cheating on Rory, Richard and Emily – so it has been a while since we’ve been able to take the time to get together and celebrate everything that makes our friendship as beautiful as it is.

Thankfully not a thing has changed in our time apart, Loz is still such a beautiful soul and she is still more than willing to spill some secrets to her best friend – I know the final four words guys! – over a batch of her favourites, my Lauren Graham Crackers.

 

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I know what you’re thinking – oy, with the grahams? / they shoot bloggers, don’t they? – but bare with me, graham crackers are insanely delicious … and festively appropriate given they are the basis of all the best cheesecake / pie crusts.

Thankfully Loz and I don’t need to be too fancy to celebrate Thanksgiving, our friendship and the GG reunion is more than enough.

But to reiterate, these are delicious as is – enjoy!

 

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Lauren Graham Crackers
Makes: 30-40.

Ingredients
60g unsalted butter
115g muscovado sugar
1 egg
2 tbsp honey
1 tbsp milk
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
250g wholemeal flour

Method
Beat the butter and sugar using a stand mixer for about five minutes, or until pale and creamy. Still beating, slowly add in the egg, honey and milk, allowing the mix to come together before adding the next. Remove from the stand and fold through the baking powder, salt and flour, until it comes together as a smooth dough. Form into a disc, wrap in cling wrap and refrigerate for an hour or so.

Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Remove the dough from the fridge and split it in two, returning one to the fridge while you work on the other. Between two sheets of baking paper, roll out the dough until it is super thin – 2-3mm max – cut it into graham shaped rectangles, dot with the thick end of a skewer and transfer to a baking tray.

Repeat the process with the second piece of dough.

Transfer both trays to the oven and cook for about fifteen minutes, or until golden brown and crisp. Remove from the oven, split the biscuits into pieces and transfer to a cooling rack.

Then devour.

 

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Oy with the turkeys already!

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Oy with the turkeys already!

They’ve been off TV so long, feeling lonely and so cold – but all we’ve ever wanted is happening (thanks Netflix) and they’ll be back, for Thanks-gi-ving.

What I cook, you should follow. Anything, that I tell you to.

If you need, you need me to pretend to be Sookie St. James. I will follow. Oh, oh, oh …

So to paraphrase – Gilmore Girls, (A non-deep fried, non-Korean) Thanksgiving, it is on … Netflix and here.

Oy with the turkeys al-read-y, oh baby yeah.

Oy with the turkeys al-read-y, ooo sugar uh huh, oy with the turkeys al-read-y, oh baby.

Image source: Gilmore Girls publicity still.

 

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Queso Fundido

Condiment, Dip, Party Food, Side, Snack

With Thanksgiving now less than two weeks away, I’ve decided to start taking stock of my life and remembering what I am thankful for. Hella deep, right?

While I am forever thankful for my exes Jiffy Pop and Skarsy, I’m also thankful that *soon to be spoiler alert* Gilmore Girls is about to make a return to TV, Leo finally snatched a damn Oscar and, always and forever Alyssa Edwards, am I thankful that my dear friend Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O’Malley Armstrong goes by the mononym of Dido.

As such I decided to invite her over for a pre-Thanksgiving date and to once again thank her for not forcing the tongue-twister on the world.

I’ve known Dido for years after lecturing her in law at Birkbeck, University of London – seriously the amount of universities I bamboozled into hiring me to lecture in law is terrifying and all it took to get each job was to scream “that is assault.”

Obviously she discovered the scam and obviously she forgave me however unlike many celebs that caught on to my scams, Dido was crafty enough to blackmail me into launching her music career.

I would go as far as to say it is the proudest I have ever been in my life.

Anyway, her blackmail led to getting her song included on the Sliding Doors soundtrack – you should see the rest of the pap photos I took of Gywn and Brad’s holiday (obviously, NSFW) – an introduction to my dear Eminem to convince him to sample her song and most importantly bribing the Academy into nominating her for If I Rise.

I also successfully bribed the Razzies into giving her the award for Worst Original Song … but she wasn’t thrilled about that.

Being as busy as I am, I haven’t been able to see Dido and congratulate her on her 2013 comeback – though given I just heard about it, I didn’t know whether it would be appropriate. Either way, I made a Queso Fundido which is more than celebratory … just in case.

 

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I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a thousand times before dying of cheese clogged arteries, cheese is the greatest thing in my life – outside of my husband, it is without doubt, my great love (sickening display of genuine emotion, I’m sorry).

Add chilli, booze and a fat spicy sausage and you’ve well and truly got yourself a party – enjoy!

 

queso-fundido-2

 

Queso Fundido
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
3-4 chorizos, skin removed
1 onion, diced
2 clove garlic
1 green capsicum, diced
¼ cup tequila
250g vintage cheddar, grated
250g gouda (smoked if you like it super smokey), grated
generous pinch of flour
2-3 tomatoes, diced
small handful of coriander, roughly chopped
Tortéa Leoni Chips, for dippin’

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C.

Heat a small skillet over medium heat and fry the chorizo until brown and crisp. Remove from the pan to drain on some paper towel.

Wipe out the pan, return to the heat, reduce to low and cook the onion and garlic for a couple of minutes, or until soft and fragrant. Add the capicum and tequila and cook until the liquid has reduced a little. Remove from the heat.

Combine the cheeses in a bowl and toss through a generous pinch of flour. Add the cheese to the still warm pan and stir to combine. Top with chorizo and place in the oven for about ten minutes, or until cheese is bubbling and hot.

Serve straight out of the oven with some Tortéa Leoni Chips – obviously being careful of the hot pan, like I wasn’t – topped with tomatoes and coriander.

 

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Michelle Sherbert

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor, Adam screwed Taylor – sadly not in the way Figgy did – while David shared information about his idol with Zeke while Jay orchestrated a vicious blindside on our Queen Michaela … and surprisingly lived to tell the tale.

We opened back up at Ikabula where Jay was very pleased to be alive and with himself, while Hannah  felt like a damned fool last night – which coincidentally is how America currently feels too.

Seriously Michaela then President Trump … heartbreak.

A boat then pulled up at Ikabula and Takali – sadly not the pirates from Captain Phillips – and whisked them over to Vanua to merge into the new Vinaka tribe.

Vinaka, not vinegar.

The new tribe quickly sat down to the traditional merge feast where Jay started to work on his cockiness as he ran through his numbers, while Bret saw those dang – sorry dahng – whippa snahppers coming together and felt it was better to go back his old – literally – tribe.

Meanwhile Adam went walkabout and found arguably the worst advantage known to Survivor, where he can steal a reward after it is won. Surprisingly he was excited by that, when it is clearly the most poisoned of chalices.

Twas the night after merge, when all through the tribe, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse … well except for Taylor who decided to pilfer the leftovers from the merge feast – because he is good with mason jars – and eat them in the middle of the night. Given he isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, he was caught by not one but two people – Bret and Adam.

Oh, we also learnt that stupidity is contagious as Adam freely offered up the fact he found the shittiest advantage to Taylor and that he wanted to blindside his closest alliance, Jay and boot Will. FYI, Taylor is still looking to get revenge on Adam for the Figgy vote.

The next day the olds joined together for what I assume they would describe as a chinwag, and share all that they know about the kids to find an appropriate target. Obviously King Zeke, the 90 year old in a millennial body was involved – bless.

Shocking absolutely no one, probably not even Adam, Taylor ran straight to Jay – with Zeke watching – to tell him about Adam’s plan reiterating that they should not tell Will. Taylor then ran straight to Will and told him everything he told Jay not to tell, scaring the poor child half to death as he shared how much he need immunity.

As if summoned like Beetlejuice, my dear Jiffy-Pop manifested for one of my favourite challenges – When it Rains it Pour – won by the great Teresa Cooper, Shi-Ann in All Stars (leading to its best episode) – and the great Parvati Shallow … twice.

Thankfully if you closed your eyes, the tribe made it sound like a porno as they moaned their way through the challenge until young Will took out immunity, much to Jessica chagrin.

Let’s also pause to remember how pretty Kengel looked while he had the load – of water – dumped over him.

Back at camp the kids got to work scrambling, with Will and Jay looking to take out Adam, which spooked Michelle, who thought it was a bad idea. Zeke then went to Adam and told him what he saw earlier and that Adam was now a target. Zeke and Adam then went to the old men brigade and tried to turn them on … to booting Taylor, which again didn’t seem like a great idea to them.

As Adam started to freak out, Hannah – who you’ll remember had a panic attack while watching a challenge – tried to calm him down so that they could find a way to save him, while Zeke started to get frustrated and toyed with the idea of booting Adam.

So obviously that meant it was time for tribal council where Jeff opened by checking in with everyone’s level of hunger and Hannah tried to cut my grass by saying she wanted wanted to eat Jeff before they played coy and cast their votes where Taylor’s revenge plan failed – shock – and Michelle found her way out of the game … as the first member of the jury heading to Ponderosa.

While Michelle and I may not seem to have a lot in common, with her being a missionary recruiter and me recruiting men to do in missionary, but we’ve been friends for about five years, brought to together by a mutual passion for dragons.

Have I mentioned I am the inspiration for Khaleesi?

Anyway, I knew Michelle would be sad to be voted out and continue in the great Millennials vs. Gen X tradition to boot only females – well, excluding Paul – and the only cure for vagicide related pain is Michelle Sherbert.

 

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With sexism / white male privilege prevailing in the election as well as this season, we really needed the sweetness to overcome the bitter taste in our collective mouths. Obviously I forgot the fact that sherbert had a bitterness … thankfully a nice one.

Enjoy!

 

michelle-sherbert-2

 

Michelle Sherbert
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
1 tsp citric acid
1 tsp bicarb soda
2 tbsp icing sugar
2-3 tbsp jelly crystals

Method
Combine ingredients. Devour.

 

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Jon English Muffins

Baking, Bread, Breakfast, Side, Snack

The number one perk of time travel – outside of fraudulently getting lotto numbers – is being able to catch-up with your deceased friends … at optimal points in their life / career.

Obviously since I was travelling back to see Jon-Jon but didn’t want to let on that everything was not alright, I went back to ‘74 while he was starring in Jesus Christ Superstar with my dear gal-pal Marcia Hines.

You see Marce introduced us when she joined the show in ‘73, so it was the perfect way to slot back into my life without alerting him of any issue. Plus, he was hella banging in the 70s.

Anyway, our friendship was instantaneous and after excusing myself from life in Marce’s entourage, I commenced touring with Jon and quickly became his muse / career adviser. As seems to be the way it goes, I had hits and many misses throughout those times – there are only so many hippie, drug-lord murders one can play before it gets old. It wasn’t until the 90s and the classic All Together Now that we really hit our stride professionally.

It truly was such a treat to see Jon-Jon truly in his element like he was while playing Judas, laughing with the band and firing off banter with Marce and I. And then future me after I chloroformed past me.

After a night of hard performing on stage and hard drinking with Marce at her blackmarket, backstage casino, I used to wake up early day in, day out, and whip up fresh Jon English Muffins that we’d have toasted, slathered with butter and vegemite.

 

jon-english-muffins-1

 

Just getting to experience our old tradition once final time was enough to fill my heart with joy, but the taste of a fresh, freshly toasted English Muffin made me feel euphoric.

Fresh, doughy … do you really need me to describe bread? It is bread. Bread is good. Just enjoy, ok?

 

jon-english-muffins-2

 

Jon English Muffins
Makes: 8-12.

Ingredients
300g bread flour, plus extra for flouring
7g dried yeast (that should be one sachet. Should be)
pinch of salt
1 tbsp caster sugar
⅔ milk
1 tbsp butter, at room temperature
1 egg, lightly beaten
oil, for greasing
polenta, for dusting

Method
Combine the flour, yeast, sugar and salt in a large bowl.

Melt the butter into the milk in a small saucepan over medium heat, stirring, until it reaches 40-45C. Remove from heat.

Pour the butter and milk into the flour mix and knead with a dough hook in an electric mixer for a minute or two. Add the egg and knead for a further five minutes.

Transfer the dough to a lightly oiled bowl, cover and prove for two hours.

Dust the bench with polenta and roll the dough out until it is 2cm thick and cut into mug sized rounds. I say mug sized as I can’t be bothered buying 70s cookie cutters, so reached for a mug. Jon-Jon’s kitchen wasn’t well stocked, ok?

Anyway, sprinkle more polenta on the base of a large baking sheet and place the discs of dough on them. Top with another dusting of polenta and leave to prove – again – or half an hour.

Heat a large frying over the lowest possible heat and fry each muffin for about five minutes either side, or until golden, crisp and perfectly cooked.

Serve however you like, but slathered in Vegemite would make you a happy little Vegemite. So … yep.

 

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All together now

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

The festive season has taken a firm hold of me – which let’s be honest isn’t hard considering Mariah Carey’s Christmas albums are year-round listening in my house – and as such, it gets me feeling all nostalgic for the friends I have lost in the past year.

My dear friend Jo-Jo English sadly passed away in the weeks before our birthdays and we never got to have our final joint birthday extravaganza. As such, I’ve decided to dust off the old time machine and celebrate his life / our friendship.

Hopefully without causing a Flashpoint timeline.

Well, unless it causes Skarsy to join me in a throuple … that would be more than ok!

Anyway, what says I miss you without letting on that he died?

Image source: Unknown.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Zendgria

Drink

As you know – well should, I’m sure I’ve mentioned it … I got Susan Lucci inducted too – I am a Disney Legend and as part of that honour, I am required to mentor young Disney stars.

I don’t if that is a blanket rule for the legends but Walt asked me on his deathbed, so I kind of feel obliged.

After releasing dear Miley Cyrus into the wild, I was lost trying to find a replacement until Zendaya came along. As soon as I laid eyes on Z, I knew she would become my new mentee as she is the only person that possessed even half of my talent.

That isn’t a dig, it’s just that I’m amazing.

Anyway my tutelage has led to Z’s career blossoming from Disney starlet, to DWTS runner-up and more importantly a starring role in the upcoming Spider-Man movie.

While I would normally relish the opportunity to destroy someone reaching my dream – Spider-Man can shoot his web on me any day – Z is just such a sweet girl, that it makes me happy to see her succeed.

Plus, she owes 99% of it to me.

Like there is a rule to not wear white after Labour Day, I have a rule to not be sober after Halloween. Now before you get all grumpy, yes Zendaya is under 21 but she was visiting Australia so she can participate in my post-Halloween drinkstravaganza.

Particularly when it doubled as a meeting to finalise the signature cocktail for her 21st next year which we decided will be a Zendgria.

 

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We wanted something that adequately highlighted the fruity influence I’ve had on her life but also had a depth and a richness, like her many talents.

Our decision really was a no brainer – enjoy!

 

zendgria-2

 

Zendgria
Serves: 6. Lol – nope, 1.

Ingredients
2 apples
2 oranges
1 lemon
750ml red wine aka a bottle
½ cup brandy
¼ cup cointreau
1 tbsp raw caster sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
2 cups soda water, chilled

Method
Core and dice the apples, and add them to a large pitcher.

Slice the oranges and lemon, and add them to the pitcher.

Pour the wine, brandy and cointreau into the pitcher, sprinkle in the caster sugar and cinnamon. Stir, cover and refrigerate for a couple of hours, preferably overnight.

When you’re ready to serve, add soda water, give and quick stir and down. Greedily.

 

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Bahn Michaela Bradshaw

Main, Party Food, Snack, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X, TV Recap

In the words of the great, wise Brandi Glanville – fuck you, fuck this, fuck that, fuck him, fuck you, fuck off.

I know, I should be telling you about what happened previously on Survivor, like how five of the first six women were minority women, Hannah had a panic attack, Taylor lost his in-game snuggle bunny, Ken was absolutely banging and Michaela was absolutely beasting the competition … but fuck this.

Seriously.

Not only did we suffer the pain of losing the final minority female cast member, said female was Michaela who was and forever will be my Queen … second only to Sandra Diaz-Twine.

Sure Taylor handled Adam screwing he and Figgy over with a lot more maturity and game awareness than I was expecting.

And yes David and Zeke confirmed their scrappy, underdog alliance.

But Michaela singlehandedly one her seventeenth challenge – behind Vanua, thanks to Chris’ beast 2.0 performance – after throwing out a bye Felecia about Figgy’s departure. Hell, I am so upset I can’t even bring myself to comment on how beautiful Ken looked glistening from the water, shooting hoops during the challenge.

The Vanua tribe may have enjoyed one of my favourite kind of rewards, where locals come to cook for tribe and they in turn repulse everyone by farting and burping. I guess it was an attempt at humour, knowing that Jay was about to crush our souls.

Either way, I’ll stop my sob story to say pray for Michelle as she suffers through bodily Chernobyl.

Over at Takali, Taylor continued to play beyond what I assumed was his capacity and worked over Jessica and Kengel. Or maybe he was looking to start a relationship with Kengel and his open shirt.

We then checked in with Ikabula, reminding me of the agony coming at the end of the episode. Thankfully Hannah started to win me back after her post-Mari faux-pas, trying to turn the tribe on Bret after she interrogated him on his career and immediately picked up on the fact that he is a cop.

It what feels like only moments after reward, Jiffy Pop arrived for to lord over the fateful immunity challenge involving a whole bunch of ball play, weighing down heavy sacks and shooting your load – of sacks – at a target. Normally this would be my favourite thing to write about … but I’m different now, knowing what Ikabula’s loss means.

I mean, even Kengel almost knocking out Adam while avoiding him to hug Taylor couldn’t make me smile.

Back at camp Ikabula had a moment of silence for my loss, before Sunday finally broke rank to start scrambling with Bret while Michaela rallied the kids to lay out their path to the final four. Sadly Queen Michaela’s strategic leadership spooked – rightfully – Jay, who pulled the young James Earl Jones impersonator aside and commenced the march to her doom and my pain.

For Jay it was a great move … for now at least – he got rid of arguably the biggest physical threat just before the merge, he made a huge play he can reference if he makes it to the end – particularly given he boldly told Michaela he had flipped while Jeff tallied the votes – and he saved Sunday and Bret which could become loyal numbers to repay the debt.

And he didn’t get killed by Michaela after her very dramatic blindside … although it would have been better if she had attempted to light his low-rent Joe Anglim locks on fire.

But, you know, choices.

None of that however changes the fact that Survivor lost an angel last night, in the form of sweet, feisty, Michaela – who I met at college and quickly befriended as I needed someone to keep me in line – and life will forevermore be broken down by the time before Michaela was voted out and after. The latter being a bleak time where nothing matters anymore. If only there was a way she could change her game fate …

On another season perhaps …

She was obviously not very happy to be blindsided from the game just before the merge but took comfort in a hearty Bahn Michaela Bradshaw, and the knowledge that she is the star of Millennials vs. Gen X.

 

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Like our fallen angel, these sandy-j’s – maybe I shouldn’t bring up Jay right now – are full of flavour and plenty of heat. I mean, if a sandwich was ever going to dominate you in a winning fashion, this is it! Hot, sour, sweet and fresh – it is everything Michaela used to change the game.

Enjoy!

 

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Bahn Michaela Bradshaw
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 Vietnamese baguettes or crusty white bread rolls
½ cup rice vinegar
½ cup raw caster sugar
sea salt
3 large carrots, peeled and grated shredded
500g minced pork
3 tbsp muscovado sugar
2 tbsp fish sauce
2 tbsp soy sauce
lemongrass stalk, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 tbsp chilli paste
pork liver pâté, to taste
mayonnaise, to taste
1 large Lebanese cucumber, quartered lengthwise and deseeded
handful coriander
2 shallots, finely sliced
sliced bird’s eye chilli, to serve

Method
Start with picklin’ your carrots by combining the vinegar and sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat and stir until the sugar has dissolved. Pour into a small bowl, grate in the carrots, add two teaspoons of salt and stir to combine. Leave to steep for an hour or two, drain and refrigerate.

Preheat to the oven to 180°C.

While the carrots are chilling like Michaela wasn’t on her way out, combine the pork in a bowl with a teaspoon of salt, muscovado sugar, fish and soy sauces, lemongrass, garlic and chilli paste and mix well to combine.

Form the meat into 6 sausage shaped pieces of meat, place on a lined baking sheet and bake for fifteen minutes, or until browned and just cooked through. Remove from heat and set aside.

To assemble, split the baguettes in half and slather one side with mayo and the other with pâté – and by slather, to your taste. Top with some pickled carrot, cucumber, pork and some coriander, shallot and chilli to taste.

Devour … being careful to avoid the fiery rather of the bird’s eyes / Michaela.

 

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