Bryam Cranston Balls

Emmy Gold, Party Food, Side, Snack, Vegetarian

Ok – so I know it makes running the odds all the more difficult, I couldn’t bare to hold an Emmy Week without seeing my ex-love and six-time victor Bryan Cranston.

Plus he has won for Best Actor in a Drama and Best Drama on top of his nominations for Best Actor in a Limited Series or Movie, Best Limited Series or Movie and – catch your breath – Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy, meaning he can run a shit tonne of odds with me.

Let’s start with Best Supporting Actor, on account of yesterday’s catch-up with Tone, where Bry (like me and honestly Tone) is going for the well-deserved though underdog Tituss Burgess. I mean, the academy really should make up for the fact he lost last year despite the majesty of Pinot Noir.

Anyway, let me take you back to the early 80s. As you know, I was working with my dear friend Erik Estrada on the set of CHiPs when a young Bry arrived to guest during an episode. Using my keen sense of great talent – I discovered Meryl Streep, did you know? – I knew that he was destined for greatness, kinda dumped E and hitched myself to the Cranston Wagon.

We stayed close through his bit parts on Murder She Wrote, Matlock, Baywatch, The Flash, Seinfeld before I finally got him his big break – via my ex-lover – on Malcolm in the Middle and the rest, as they irritatingly say, is history.

While I was never able to get through the shit stretch of Breaking Bad, I’ve always been Bry’s number one fan and know that he will once again take out the Emmy, this time for Actor in a Limited Series or Movie (I mean, the man won a Tony for the play) – obvs I’m putting a cheeky bet on Hiddleston for the sole reason that he finally broke up with Swifty.

Once again, despite our extremely loud and incredibly close relationship, Bry has opted to go to this year’s Emmys with his wife, although was kind enough to point out that Kit and I would make such a cute twincest couple, albeit with me in the role of low-rent Jon Snow. With such a beautiful compliment, I had to repay him so still whipped up a batch of my Bryam Cranston Balls.

 

bryam-cranston-balls-1

 

You know that like the egreciously snubbed Jane Krakowski’s alter ego Jenna Maroney, I’m a huge fan of balls. Balls, balls, balls, balls.

Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls. If I can form food into a ball, I will.

So yes, these are just a version of arancini, but arancini is the best, so is that a crime? Add in some yam (or you know, sweet potato in a pinch … I was in a pinch), spinach and goat’s cheese and you’ve got a preemptive seventh Emmy party in yo’ mouth!

Enjoy!

 

bryam-cranston-balls-2

 

Bryam Cranston Balls
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
250g yam (or sweet potato), peeled and cut into 1cm dice
olive oil
3 cups chicken stock
1 onion, finely diced
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 cup arborio rice
½ cup white wine
1 cup baby spinach
100g goat’s cheese, crumbled
2 tbsp sage, finely chopped
1 tbsp dried chilli flakes
½ cup plain flour
2 eggs, lightly whisked
1 cup panko breadcrumbs

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Place the yam on an a baking tray, drizzle with oil and bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and tender.

Bring the stock to a simmer in a saucepan over low heat.

Meanwhile, heat a good lug of oil in a large saucepan over medium heat and saute the onion and garlic for 5 minutes, or until fragrant and soft. Add the rice and cook for a further couple of minutes or until they start to go translucent. Add the wine and cook until it is all absorbed, followed by the stock, half-cup by half-cup until all gone, absorbing between each addition.

Reduce heat to low and cook for about 15 minutes, or until the rice is al dente. Remove from the heat, stir through the baby spinach and allow to cool for an hour.

When it is as frosty as a Daytime Emmy winner at a Primetime Emmy party, stir through the sweet potato, goat’s cheese, sage and chilli.

Line a large baking tray, roll the risotto into 1-2 tablespoon sized balls and place on the tray to rest until the mixture is all gone.

Place the flour in a shallow bowl, the eggs in another and the breadcrumbs in another. One by one, roll each ball in the flour, then the egg, followed by the breadcrumbs. Return to tray and repeat until all done. Place the tray in the fridge to chill for half an hour.

Remove the tray from the fridge, drizzle with oil and bake for 30 minutes, flipping once, or until golden and crisp.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Tony Kale Chips

Emmy Gold, Side, Snack

Now I know it runs the risk of stacking the odds-discussion and is in flagrant disregard of my unspoken Oscar Gold rules, but I’m a man that likes to live on the edge so opted by opening my Emmy Gold celebrations with my dear friend, the current Emmy holder and repeat nominee (for the past four years) Tony Hale.

Sure we aren’t going to be able to run the Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series odds without a shit tonne of bias but it should be only a two horse race anyway – Tone and Tituss, for those playing along at home – so I don’t even care, you know?

I’ve known Tone for fifteen years after meeting on the set of Dawson’s Creek when he guested as a doctor. I was their medical advisor at the time after defrauding my way through Harvard Med and bonded with Tone after he could clearly tell I wasn’t a doctor. Using the old adage of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer, I befriended him into keeping my secret and cemented it with a role in the best episode of SAtC, The Real Me.

Thanks for getting me out of that pickle, Mar-Cho!

We haven’t been able to catch-up much in the last few years, what with him busy filming Veep and me hustling – in all meanings of the word.

Tone is obviously starting to get nervous for the big night, going for his third gong however he is continuing to spout off the line I hate most, I’m just happy to be nominated – although I’m terrified to think that he may actually mean it!

“It won’t happen, but do you want me to kill Ty Burrell if he beats you?”

“No Ben, I don’t mind. He is a great (SIC) actor and truly, it is just an honour to be nominated.”

“But Veep is a far better show than Modern Family and I’m sick of it (winning awards, I’ll keep watching)! What about Matt? Want me to mess him up a bit if he joins the Veep winners?”

“No – I love Matt, he deserves to win … “

“He doesn’t.”

“He does and it is an honour to be nominated against him.”

As you can see, conversation started to go round in circles with him praising his fellow nominees – Tituss being the only warranted praise – while I desperately tried to finalise my bet with my bookie / see if his plus one was available.

While he stupidly elected to take his beautiful wife – citing my penchant for violence as a reason he had reservations about taking me as his escort – I didn’t mind, knowing that Kit Harrington would still take me – in both meanings – if I get desperate. To prove I held no ill will, I still made a hearty serve of my Tony Kale Chips.

 

tony-kale-chips-1

 

I know some people have an issue with kale, mainly due to its fad-like popularity, I’ve never met someone who can’t be swayed by them in chip form. Earthy, crisp and covered in salt, these are the perfect snack for eating smugly before an awards show.

I mean kale is healthy, so you can break the diet early, right? Enjoy!

 

tony-kale-chips-2

 

Tony Kale Chips
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
bunch of kale
olive oil
salt, to taste

Method
Preheat the oven to 175°C.

Remove the kale leaves from the stems and cut into large chip-sized pieces, wash and dry them thoroughly.

Transfer to a lined baking sheet, drizzle with a lug of olive oil, season with salt and bake for 10-15 minutes, or until lightly browned and crisp.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Another gold rush

Emmy Gold, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

After the resounding success of my annual Oscar Gold celebrations – can you believe it just started as a way to bring down Elts? – Kimmel got in touch to ask for my assistance in scripting the show and to help, you know, make him funny.

Since I’ll be in town to help and will likely get called in to do some styling, I decided to round up some of my closest Emmy winning friends to help me decide who’s offer I should accept to attend as their date.

Obvs Kit Harrington is the current front runner but I’m open to the suggestions of my pals. I’m also open to their suggestions before I place my bets – you know I love to run the odds.

Who will be joining me for the most critically lauded online coverage with less than 1000 unique daily views of an Awards Season?

Just you wait, just you wait (sorry, peaking too soon for the Tonys) – join me Monday as we kick off Emmy Gold!

Image source: Emmy Awards.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Philly Collins Cheesesteak

Main, Party Food, Snack

It was always going to be an awkward start to my peace feast with Phil, what with the viral infection injection thing. Oh, and the whole gag I sold to South Park about his obsession with his Oscar – FYI, that was totally true and I’m 30% sure he had it on him when he dropped by – and well, I can’t talk about everything else I’ve done to him due to the lingering lawsuits and payouts.

Just trust me when I say that Phil was on the receiving end of one of my top ten most vicious moments.

But then it wasn’t awkward, not even at all. Time apparently heals all wounds as Phil took me in his arms as soon as he walked into the house. I cried, he cried, then he sobbed, I pretended to sob to avoid it being awkward and then I apologised.

Literally two minutes in and my epic apology monologue – it rivalled Cersei’s revenge monologue for epicness – wasn’t even needed. Thankfully I’ve burnt a lot of bridges so I’ll be able to use it again, I’m sure.

Phil has been super busy since coming out … of retirement early last year, remastering his old albums, writing new material and planning a tour. Oh and he signed a book deal and will be releasing his autobiography in October … and when I heard that, everything became clear – he wants me to ghostwrite the book.

While I’m pretty pissed he expects me to plug it out in a mere matter of months, given the countless ways I ruined his life I really couldn’t say no. Plus, at least I can manage my image in the story, you know?

Either way, Phil got a ghostwriter, I got some undeserved forgiveness and we both rekindled our friendship over my famed – and his favourite – Philly Collins Cheesesteak.

 

philly-collins-cheesesteak-1

 

I’ve made no secret of my love for warm meat, slathered in creamy cheese … but these really get me salivating. I mean, tender slices of steak on a soft pillowy bun and cheese, my favourite, cheese – it doesn’t get any better. Oh yeah, it does – sweet onions, earthy mushrooms, hot mustard and peppers.

It really does get better – enjoy!

 

philly-collins-cheesesteak-2

 

Philly Collins Cheesesteak
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
6 hoagie rolls
6-12 slices provolone
1kg loin steaks, trimmed and sliced into thin strips
olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tbsp worcestershire sauce
hot english mustard

Sauteed mushrooms
2tbsp unsalted butter
500g button mushrooms, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Caramelised onions
2 tbsp unsalted butter
2 large brown onions, thinly sliced
salt and pepper, you guessed it – to taste!

Peppers aka capsicum
2 tbsp olive oil
1 green capsicum, thinly sliced
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
1/16 tbsps of salt and precisely 6.3g freshly ground black pepper, but seriously … to taste

Method
Place the steak in the freezer for about half an hour while you get to work on all of the other elements.

Start with the mushrooms and melt the butter in a frying pan over high heat until foamy. Reduce heat to medium, add the mushrooms and cook until they are soft, silky and browned.

Then move to the onions and start again by melting the butter over high heat until foamy. Reduce the heat, this time to low, and cook the onions slowly until they are soft and caramelised – about half an hour. Keep an eye on the onions, but move on to the peppers now, ok?

In another pan – how many pans do I expect you to own? Maybe decant the mushrooms to a dish and keep warm, wipe out the mushroom pan and heat, this time the oil, over high heat. Add the capsicums and stir-fry for a minute or so, or until they are soft and vibrant.

Now that they are sorted, remove the steak from the freezer and slice very thinly. Heat a griddle over high heat, brush with oil and cook for about a minute per side. Remove to a dish, pour over the worcestershire, season and keep warm.

Now for the fun to start – split the hoagies, butter generously (if you like heat) with hot english mustard, spoon in mushrooms, onions and peppers, top with the piping hot meat and layer with cheese. Hopefully your cheese will melt from the heat more than mine did, but hey it is cold for Brisbane at the moment.

Then, don’t think twice – devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Coming back to me, against all odds

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

So I’ve been seeing a lot of buses promoting the upcoming Legend of Tarzan movie and in addition to being wildly aroused, it got me feeling all nostalgic about my dear frenemy Phil Collins.

While we started off as close friends after co-writing In the Air Tonight in ‘81, we haven’t spoken after a period of ugliness in the late 90s/early 00s – he deemed my contribution to You’ll Be in My Heart non-existent and had my name struck from the credit (losing me yet another Oscar) and in revenge I injected a virus into an ear causing him to become partially deaf.

Don’t worry, sadly the wonders of 00s medicine cured the deafness … so really, I don’t get why he chose to hold a grudge?

Anyway, if OITNB taught me anything it is that life is too short and knowing that I’ll be seeing a couple of hours of Skarsy’s naked torso in a matter of weeks, I decided to reach out and spread my preemptive joy with Phil, and finally end our feud.

Shockingly, he agreed to drop by!

What says sorry I tried to ruin your career and end your passion by making you deaf in revenge for removing my name from the credit of our Oscar winning song that I didn’t contribute to in the slightest?

Picture source: AP Photo/Alan Diaz.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Pork Bunedict Cumberbatch

Main, Party Food, Snack

I hate to admit when I am wrong, but it turns out that my tentative friend Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t “the worst thing to come into this world, an abomination to those that call themselves actors and a right prat to boot,” which I was quoted as saying in the Page Six after being ejected from a party with Ramona Singer and her duelling, multi-directional eyes.

Even more than that, I hate to admit that he is actually bloody charming and I have high hopes for his contribution to the MCU.

But mostly, I hate the way I don’t hate him. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all … anymore. Plus – now I think he is oddly babin’.

Yep – I’m officially a (tentative) Cumberbitch!

While our date obviously started awkwardly, with me listing in excess of 638 things that I’d done to him that required an apology, he took it all in good spirits. I don’t know if he is one of those people that doesn’t register that I’m being deadly seriously when saying something horrible, extremely naive or just *shudder* nice, but he viewed some of my nasty comments as if I was joking about having said them and got straight into discussing how to forge a positive relationship moving forward.

Benno recently wrapped filming on Doctor Strange so there was much to discuss about how the film will impact the broader universe … and more importantly, my future role in it as a male Pepper Potts-esque love interest.

Given our history of hate, I didn’t want to invest my time in crafting a recipe for him – what if the date went south, you know – so I borrowed a recipe from my new favourite blog The Woks of Life and repurposed it as a Pork Bunedict Cumberbatch.

 

pork-bunedict-cumberbatch-1

 

I have an obsessive addiction to BBQ Pork Buns however they’ve always been something I am terrified to make, then I discovered The Woks of Life and they seemed far less daunting.

Plus, if I fucked them up I didn’t have a relationship with Benny to ruin. Then. Now I do, I guess.

It feels so weird to think that we’re now friends – enjoy!

 

pork-bunedict-cumberbatch-2

 

Pork Bunedict Cumberbatch
Makes: 10.

Ingredients
BBQ Pork
1.3kg pork shoulder
2 tbsp raw caster sugar
1 tsp salt
½ tsp five spice powder
1 tsp paprika
¼ tsp white pepper
1 tbsp sherry
1 tbsp tamari
½ tsp sesame oil
2 tsp hoisin sauce
2 tsp tomato paste
2 tsp molasses
1 tbsp oil
3 cloves minced garlic
1 tbsp hot water

Dough
7g sachet dry yeast
¾ cup warm water
2 cups plain flour
1 cup corn flour
5 tbsp sugar
¼ cup vegetable oil
2 ½ tsp baking powder

Filling
1 tbsp vegetable oil
⅓ cup finely chopped shallots
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 ½  tbsp oyster sauce
1 tbsp sesame oil
2 tsp tamari
½ cup chicken stock
2 tbsp flour
1 ½ cups diced Chinese roast pork, from above

Method
BBQ Pork
Cut the pork into long, thick strips. Combine the remaining ingredients in a large, shallow/dish and remove a couple of tablespoons of sauce for later before adding the pork. Give it a good rub down to coat the meat in the marinade, yes it is a little disgusting but there is something about it that is so visceral and connects you to your meal – hello, energetics. Obviously you could just stir it with a spoon too – either way, when you’re done, cover it and place it in the fridge overnight.

Preheat your oven to 250C.

Line a large sheet pan with foil and place a metal rack on top. Lay the pork on the racks, leaving space around each strip and place on to the highest rack of the oven. Leave any excess marinade in the bowl for basting.

After about 20 minutes, flip the pork and baste with excess marinade and add water to the bottom of the sheet pan to prevent burning or smoking from the drippings.

After a further half an hour, turn on the grill and allow the pork to crisp on the outside and add some colour. This should take only a couple of minutes – do not walk away, lest you want to set of the fire alarm.

Remove from the oven, baste the pork with the sauce you reserved the day before and allow to rest for about 15 minutes.

Buns
In the large bowl of an electric mixer, dissolve the yeast into the water and allow to rest until it is foamy and glorious.

While that is frothing away, sift the flour, cornflour and sugar together. When the yeast is ready, add the flour and oil.

Using a dough hook, turn the mixer on to the lowest setting and leave to knead for about 5 minutes or until a small ball is formed. Place in a large oiled bowl, cover with a damp cloth and allow to prove for 2 hours.

While the dough is working on proving itself to you, get to work on the meat mixture. Heat the oil in a large pan over medium high heat, when it is nice and hot, add the onion and stir-fry for a minute. Reduce the heat to low and add the sugar, soy, oyster sauce, sesame oil and tamari. Give it a quick stir and allow to cook until it is bubbling before adding the stock and flour. Cook for a further few minutes or until starting to thicken. Remove the pan from the heat and add the chopped pork, stirring to combine. Set aside to cool.

After the dough has made something of itself, return it to the bowl of the mixer, add the baking powder and knead it again on the lowest setting until it is smooth again, adding water a teaspoon at a time if it looks too dry. Trust your gut here people, I did. Cover with a damp cloth and leave to rest for 15 minutes.

While resting, cut out ten 10x10cm squares of baking paper and add water to the steamer and bring to the boil.

When ready, roll the dough out into a long tube and divide into ten pieces. Flatten each piece into a 12cm diameter disc, leaving more dough towards the centre, add a good chunk of the filling and bring the dough together to close the bun at the top. Place on a square of parchment and repeat the process until all done.

Steam the buns for 12 minutes over high heat, three of four at a time depending on the size of your steamer, making sure the water does not touch the buns.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Why can’t we be friends?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I’ve been very vocal about my hatred for Benedict Cumberbatch.

Very. Vocal.

Now I don’t want to get too far into our colourful history, but he worked with my frenemy Keira Knightley – multiple times – and took my role in 12 Years a Slave, but the final blow to our potential friendship was when he lent his name to a superior blog with superior recipes, a matter of weeks before our launch.

I mean, that Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch recipe is on point and My Name is Yeh is a beautiful blog that makes this little patch of cyberspace look even more amateurish … but how could he treat us with such disrespect?!

A vicious war was raged on our end and I vowed to end Benedict, rather unsuccessfully.

Then he was cast in a Marvel movie.

So yeah, things are very awkward between us but as a key player in Marvel Studios, I’ve decided to reach out to Benedick Cumberbitch Benedict, make amends and finally score myself a starring role in the MCU – maybe as a love interest for Star Lord, for instance. Obviously Deadpool would be ideal, but damn 20th Century Fox own the rights.

With that in mind, what says I half-heartedly want to make amends for the drama I’ve caused and to increase my standing with Marvel?

Picture source: Jordan Strauss / Invision / AP.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Shannen Doughertynuts

Baking, Dessert, Donna Martin graduates, Party Food, Snack, Sweets

I know what you’re thinking, how do you celebrate Donna Martin’s graduation without Donna herself, Tor-Spell? A) We’ve caught up recently, b) she was busy walking her goat around the Hills and c) you can’t celebrate with the 90210 cast without a famed Don-Da book-end, and yes I mean emotionally and sexually.

You may also be concerned about the lack of Cataractis however in my defense, she is busy leading the Screen Actor’s Guild – we’ll catch-up again soon (I need to find a way to sucker her into getting my membership reinstated).

So despite mentioning I met Helen Hunt on the set of Twister, that is wrong / a bald-faced lie. I had a job working as SJP’s assistant (after meeting on Annie) on Girls Just Wanna Have Fun but connected with Shan over our extremely volatile tempers. She was feuding with Hells at the time, so I pretended not to know her when we “met” on the set of Twister.

Like me, Shan is a girl with a bad, angry, aggressive reputation … but deep down, she is human and she needs to be loved. And to me, she is just an absolute sweetheart! Given our rage blackouts we felt it was a no-brainer for us to join together to help each other through anger management.

After sorting out her rage in the mid-80s (despite what the tabloids and cast changes of Bev Hills and Charmed would have you believe), I introduced her to my #1 shopping buddy Winona Ryder leading to her role in Heathers. And then, obviously, 90210 – seriously Spelling estate, where is my cut of the cash money?

It has been a few of years since I last caught up with Shan, after we feuded over her appearing in my nemesis’ Ryan Murphy’s extended PSA The New Normal. Given that she was always – quite literally – caught in the middle of Annelie and my on-set brawls, Shan knew that this was bigger than our egos and accepted my olive branch in the hope of triggering her memory. Maybe her cancer – which I shamefully didn’t support her through – gave her some perspective on what is truly important.

While sadly Annelie is still suffering from her cage-fighting injuries, Shan and I really relished the opportunity to reconnect, plot some downfalls, get into a bar fight and honour the monumental pop culture event that was Donna Martin graduates!

And nothing says reconnected friendship / celebration like a Shannen Doughertynuts!

 

shannen-doughertynuts-1

 

I’ve been very open about my fear of frying oil, so you know these babies are baked – but is that a crime? If it is, lock me up with a batch and throw away the key!

The dough is soft and fluffy, the cinnamon sugar delicious meaning these baked babies certainly hit all the right notes for a doughnut. All in all, these are the perfect way to celebrate Donna Martin graduates!

23 years later, congrats on the protest crew and Don, for graduating – enjoy!

 

shannen-doughertynuts-2

 

Shannen Doughertynuts
Serves: 2 angry friends.

Ingredients
100g butter
¼ cup caster sugar
3 eggs
1 cup milk
½ tsp vanilla essence
3 ¼ cups plain flour
4 tsp baking powder
pinch of salt

Cinnamon sugar
1 cup caster sugar, extra
1 tbsp ground cinnamon

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

In a large bowl of an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar together until light, pale and fluffy. With the mixer still on, add the eggs, one at a time allowing to mix after each addition, and the milk and vanilla, mixing until combined. Still mixing, add in the baking powder and salt until just combined – it may look a bit curdled, but relax.

Remove from the mixture and fold in the flour until just combined. Do not overmix, ok? That is very important and you don’t want to upset Shannen or I!

Transfer batter into a piping bag and pipe into a doughnut pan. If you don’t have a pan you can try and pipe them into circles – they may not look perfect, but they’ll taste it!  Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until golden and fluffy.

While they are baking, combine the extra sugar and cinnamon on a tray.

Remove the doughnuts from the oven, immediately toss in the cinnamon sugar and transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Repeat the process until the batter is done. Good luck not devouring them while you’re baking the rest. These are pretty amazing with Dulce de Nick Lachey too, FYI.

To Donna Martin and the student protest that saved her graduation!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Pie-an Ziering

Donna Martin graduates, Main, Party Food, Pie, Snack

Like David Silver / B.A.G., poor Steve Sanders / Ian Ziering was not the guy you had plastered over your wall, but like a fine wine that man aged into the beautiful Chippendale / shark slayer that I am lucky enough to call my friend.

While I obviously tried to woo Ian countless times on the set of 90210, our relationship never became a fully fledged affair which, I hate to admit, did wonders for our relationship. That being said, that realisation won’t stop my lecherous behaviour with my beautiful friends – sorry Skarsy!

Despite what some members of the D-list would have you believe, Ian is an absolute sweetheart and is every bit as kind and determined as the national treasure he portrays in the Sharknado franchise.

I first met Ian in the late 80s when he was auditioning for a guest stint on Married … with Children before the ugliness of my own creating. Knowing that he had the perfect combination of confidence, charm and uniqueness, I snatched him away from the show and gave him the star making role of S squared.

Give the runaway success of the critical maligned Sharknado masterpieces, Ian has been super busy … and sadly thanks to my ongoing feud with slash the restraining order Tara Reid has out against me, I cannot visit him on set. Thankfully he was able to drop by despite of his busy shark dropping schedule to celebrate the pop culture anniversary to trigger Annelie’s memory.

Obviously that calls for my Pie-an Ziering.

 

pie-an-ziering-1

 

Pies are in my top fifteen comfort food – probably sitting at around fourth. Add in two of my other faves, cheese and bacon, and you’ve got yourself a party worthy of Steve Sanders / a Chippendale / a shark slayer / someone that feuds with Brandi Glanville.

While most cheese and bacon pies are something you devour with equal parts shame and joy, these babies, with their salt streaky bacon and sharp blue cheese bring you no shame and are just so damn good.

They are also a little bit posh. Like Sanders Manor or stripping in Vegas – enjoy!

 

pie-an-ziering-2

 

Pie-an Ziering
Makes: 8.

Ingredients
2 tbsp oil
1 brown onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 stick of celery, finely chopped
1 carrot, grated
600g beef mince
6 rashers streaky bacon, diced
2 tbsp plain flour
400g canned crushed tomatoes
1 cup beef stock
2 tbsp tomato paste
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce
125g soft blue cheese
2 sheets shortcrust pastry
2 sheet puff pastry
1 egg

Method
Heat the oil in a large pan, over medium-high heat. When as hot as Ian’s Vegas outfit, reduce the heat and add the onions and garlic and sweat for a couple of minutes. When they are fragrant and translucent, add the celery, carrot, beef and bacon, stirring to break up the mince as it starts to brown.

When the meat is cooked, add the flour and give a good stir. Then add the tomatoes, stock, tomato paste and worcestershire sauce, stir and simmer half-covered for about 20 minutes, stirring a couple of times.

Remove from the heat and allow to cool for an hour or two.

Preheat oven to 180°C and remove the pastry from the freezer (I was lazy and there is no shame – puff is a total bitch) to defrost.

When the pastry is ready, divide each sheet into four equal square. Press the shortcrust into individual pie moulds (about the size of the circumference of a fist … probably should have mentioned that sooner). Spoon the mixture equally amongst the lined moulds, crumble the blue cheese evenly over the top and fold over any shortcrust excess. Top with the squares of puff, pressing at the edges to seal the pie and crimp any excess pastry around the edges. I mean, why waste it?

Whisk the egg in a mug and brush the tops of the pies. Give them a stab in the top for steam to escape, place the pie moulds on a lined baking tray (simply for ease of getting them in and out of the oven) and bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Devour. Surprisingly, I advise avoiding tommy sauce. That blue cheese is glorious!

Obviously I strongly encourage mash.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

Brian Austin Green Curry

Donna Martin graduates, Main, Vegetarian

Like David Silver, Brian Austin Green is an under-appreciated talent in the Hills. I mean, who else married Megan Fox slashed worked with the future Cersei Lannister (a character who I continue to argue is a product of the patriarchal society in which she lives/is a feminist icon)?

I first met Bri in the 80s when we both worked on Knot’s Landing and joined Nicolette Sheridan’s entourage of young, brunette male cheerleaders. I was working as a writer/fight choreographer at the time and I was blown away by his immense … talent.

Again, I don’t mean to gloat … but as you probably guessed, I also got Bri the job at Bev Hills. Realistically, I think I am going to have to sue the estate of Aaron Spelling for unpaid wages as I was single-handedly responsible for casting all of the teenagers!

As you should be aware, Bri has been going through quite the difficult time with separating from Meg Fox but thankfully they had some exciting news that we were able to celebrate (while he attempted to help me get Annelie’s memory back) – yes, I’m going to be godfather to another Austin Green Fox spawn!

FYI my obnoxious Instagram is coming – game on Swifty!

It was such an honour to once again be asked to provide spiritual and moral guidance to one of his children (Vanessa Marcil blocked me taking on the role to his first child). And what better way to celebrating an upcoming birth slash militant support, than a Brian Austin Green Curry?

 

brian-austin-green-curry-1

 

I decided during my yogi dietician phase that vegetarianism was best for Bri – whether he is or not, I don’t care. Either way, whenever we catch-up I ensure that I’m serving up solely vegetarian meals to not let slip that I was strung out on bath salts during that phase of my life.

Thankfully this curry is so delicious, even a staunch meat eater (and who doesn’t love to eat some meat) would fall for its charms. The sweet pumpkin and coconut combination works perfectly with the kick of the curry, provided a delicate dish that hits all the right places. I know it goes without saying, but just like Bri!

Enjoy!

 

brian-austin-green-curry-2

 

Brian Austin Green Curry
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 tbsp coconut oil
300g firm tofu, drained and thickly sliced
270ml coconut milk
½ cup water
3 tbsp green curry paste
700g kent pumpkin, deseeded and cut into large pieces
250g beans, topped and halved
3 tbsp muscovado sugar
juice of a fresh lime
brown rice, to serve
fresh coriander leaves, to serve
roasted cashews, roughly chopped, to serve

Method
Heat the oil in a large frying pan over medium heat. When as hot as the handle on the door when Kelly and misc D-character-to-horribly-disfigure got stuck in the bathroom during a fire at a house party, add the tofu and cook for a couple of minutes until golden. Remove to a plate.

Add the curry paste and the coconut milk, stirring, and cook for a minute or two. Add the pumpkin and the water and give a good stir to combine. Reduce the heat, cover and cook for about 10 minutes, or until the pumpkin is tender.

Stir through the beans and sugar, cover and cook for a further couple of minutes, until they are bright, crisp and perfectly cooked.

Remove from the heat and stir through the tofu and lime juice, season and allow to rest for a couple of minutes.

Serve on a bed of rice and garnish with coriander and cashews.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.