Reality TV

We just need to work through the ika bula title, ok?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X

Let’s all agree, calling the season Millennials vs. Gen X is probably the worst season naming since One World, World’s Apart or the questionable label of favourites – and fans for that matter – in Caramoan.

But we can work through that because (U.S.) Survivor is finally back and once again Probsty begged me to fly out to a tropical location to entertain him during his days off and comfort the cast as they roll through Loser Lodge.

Will the season continue the winning ways of Cambodia and Kaôh Rōng? Well I can’t spoil but I’m confident you’ll survive the wait to find out!

Join me Friday (and sometimes Saturday) after the episodes as  I comfort the losers and provide you with unprecedented post-boot coverage!

Picture source: Monty Brinton / CBS Entertainment.

 

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Amy MuSchumer

Emmy Gold, Main

Ok – so again, we’re catching up with another current Emmy nominee but I promise, this is the last one. Rightly or wrongly, but I’ll get to that tomorrow.

Amy and I are just way too similar for me to not include her in such an important occasion. I mean, both of us are praised as brave for posing nude (I’d argue that it is the photographer that is brave in my case, but I’ve digressed), have a penchant for smut and swearing and have felt the disappointed gaze of Michael Caine.

Plus she is a killer friend and is sure to take me as her date, right? Well wrong … but all is forgiven as she too agrees that Kit and I should go together.

I first met Ames in the early 00s when we both became involved in a shoplifting scheme, resulting in grand larceny charges. While she was able to plead down the charges thanks to her cousin, I bought my way out of my problems and fled back to Lisa Vanderpump’s mansion.

While we didn’t speak for a few years, we reconnected during her stint on Last Comic Standing. I was heavily involved in rigging reality television programs and was desperately trying to get my hands on NBC’s stable after my dear friend Bethenny/any/eny/annie/infghtsmjfjf lost on Martha Stewart’s Apprentice, so spent a lot of time on set.

The decade that followed will go down as arguably the greatest friendship either has ever had and the best creative partnership known to mankind.

Like Bryan, Ames has a breadth of nominations under her belt so thankfully was able to run a shit tonne of odds with me. Our choices, are as follows:
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series, Key and Peele
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series, JLD
Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, Tig Notaro

Notably – but not surprisingly – she only backed her show when she wasn’t listed as a nominee. I however back her when she isn’t up against JLD (and was right to back Teens and Ames in the Guest category). Adjust your betting accordingly.

After such a lengthy discussion, we were absolutely famished by the time it came to plotting the best way for me to get to Kit that I had to stop everything and whip up a huge batch of my Amy MuSchumer.

 

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Like Ames, the muschumer packs a punch, has a little bite and fills you with absolute joy. Coincidentally those are all aspects of my plan to woo Kit.

Enjoy!

 

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Amy MuSchumer
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ cup plain flour
2 tbsp cornflour
¼ cup water
¼ cup milk
6 eggs
2 tbsp butter, melted
1 tbsp chilli flakes
peanut oil
600g pork, cut into strips
¼ cup soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
2 tbsp oyster sauce
thumb of ginger, peeled and minced
1 large carrot, julienned
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
100g shiitake mushrooms, sliced
6 shallots, sliced on the angle and one whole for the pancakes
2-3 cups shredded wombok
hoisin sauce, to serve

Method
Combine the flour, cornflour, water, milk, 2 of the eggs, half the butter, chilli flakes and rough chopped additional shallot and blitz in a food processor until smooth. Cover and stand while you make the pork.

Heat a lug of peanut oil in a wok/large frying pan over high heat and stir-fry the pork, in two batches, until browned aka about a minute. Transfer to a bowl and stir through the soy, sake, oyster sauce and ginger.

Clean out the wok/frying pan, add another lug of oil and stir-fry the carrot, capsicum and mushrooms for a minute. Add the shallots, wombok and pork and stir-fry for a couple of minutes, the liquid has reduced and the vegetables bright but tender. Remove from heat.

Meanwhile heat another lug of peanut oil in a small frying pan over high heat. When blisteringly hot, add the remaining eggs, lightly beaten, reduce heat to low and stir the eggs over themselves to form a delicate omelette.

Remove from the heat, roughly chop and stir through the pork mixture and keep warm while you fry the pancakes.

Heat a small frying pan over medium heat and brush with the remaining butter. Add about a tablespoon worth of batter to the frying pan, spread it out to form a thin pancake and cook for a minute or two. Flip and cook for a further minute. Transfer to a plate and repeat until the batter is done.

Once the pancakes are sorted, dish up the pork, garnishing with some extra slice shallots, and serve with the pancakes.

I wouldn’t worry too much about presentation as you inhale them pretty quickly!

 

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Parmesandrew Torrens Crisps

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Party Food, Side, Snack

Previously on Survivor, Phoebe found her second idol of the game before Andrew continued to butcher colloquialisms and gave up on the challenge sending Vavau back to tribal council where my dear, sweet angel Kat went home.

We opened back up with Andrew gloating about surviving tribal council and then proceeded to throw a Hantz-esque tantrum over the two votes – out of eight – cast against him and be altogether terrible.

The next morning Kate woke up the tribe and once again channelled OG-angel Joe and led the team in some yoga in the hope that the could find that spark to win a challenge.

Obviously that pissed off Andrew, though being smarter than the rest of the castaways he knew to play along and be a team player. Being Andrew, he did a terrible job and Kate could see through his shit.

Over on Saanapu, the tribe worked overtime to keep Heinz from ever considering sponsoring the program, before Matt led the charge to save the chicken. So he is the second coming of Tai, I guess. This obviously pissed off Nick – who in his defence made some great points like how can a man that once had 65 kilos of chicken nuggets in their fridge now be morally opposed to chicken … particularly when starving – who set about trying to turn one of Matt’s closest allies against him.

I lack confidence. Not as little confidence as I have in Andy being tolerable, but I still don’t like his chances.

We then arrived at the reward challenge where Saanapu tried to follow in the hallowed San Juan Del Sur tradition by attempting to trade out their egg laying chickens for some bananas and rice. Sadly JoJo said no to their moronic offer before heading into the challenge, where the tribes have to chase each other around a ring until one catches the other.

Despite Kate and Craig’s best efforts – oh and Andy’s useful strategic support from the sidelines – Vavau once again lost the challenge. Thankfully though Lee didn’t lose his life when Sam started dragging him around by his neck.

Saanapu returned to camp to devour their chocolate reward and thankfully offered proof that Lee did not suffer major spinal injuries. After downing a shit tonne of chocolate the tribe then decided now was the time to free two of their three chickens. This is the point where people need to remember not to make any major decisions while on a sugar high.

Back on Vavau Andrew continued to be insufferable as the tribe complained about their losing ways. While they were sick of losing, Andrew apparently loves attending tribal, hopefully, surely – PLEASE – setting up his impending downfall.

We quickly arrived at the immunity challenge where two members of each tribe had to hold a net the longest, while the other tried filled them with coconuts. So as much as I need Andy gone, it is finally a challenge Vavau can win as he is barely involved. Right?

Oh wait, spoke too soon. After dawdling his way around the course while everyone else ran around to get coconuts to up the weight, Craig and Sue were unable to hold on. Considering Flick’s basket was empty on account of Andy’s slow saunter and terrible throws, you’d hope she is able to take it out.

Back at camp, Vavau did what they do best and scrambled hard. Obviously Andrew is still confident in his control, making him safe as he thrust the target firmly upon Kristie. Kate then pulled Craig aside to try and flip the vote on Andrew while he slinked about in the shrubs like a less physical Sandra Diaz-Twine. Andrew then ran to Connor to firm up his allegiance on the Kristie vote and before going to Kristie to try and flip the vote on Kate.

Thankfully he gave yet another grab about being the puppetmaster filling me with hope for his downfall as the heading to tribal. Sadly for the NRA he only used one gun reference.

At tribal Jonathan seemed to be as disappointed with Andrew as the rest of the country, while Phoebe and Kristie seemed oddly comfortable, Sue pleaded for loyalty and Kate said some things that made Andy nervous…and I assume arrogant. Thankfully the fall finally followed his pride as Kate and Craig flipped and sent him into my cold arms at loser lodge.

As you can probably tell, Andy and I are not close, having been feuding non-stop for the past decade or so after he bought the last fedora in the shop while we were friends. Jason Mraz was big at the time and I regretfully was into that sort of stupidity, so cursed the day he was born for taking that hat away from me.

In the end, it worked out given that those hats make you look like a complete douche but I was too far gone in my feud to change my mind on him.

Despite this, I was still kind enough to throw my leftover Parmesandrew Torrens Crisps at him as he entered loser lodge.

 

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Unlike Andrew these babies are warm, not into gun talk and contribute to things around camp.

I’m of course referring to the unbridled joy they bring given that they are golden shards of crisp cheese, but I’m fairly confident that they’d also do more in a challenge.

Enjoy (my crumbs Andy)!

 

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Parmesandrew Torrens Crisps
Makes: A fuckload, depending on your ability to portion control.

Ingredients
½ cup grated parmesan

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Line a couple of sheet pans with baking paper. Places mounds of about a tablespoon of cheese on the tray, a couple of centimetres apart.

Bake in the oven for 5-10 minutes, until golden.

Remove from the oven, cool slightly, loosen with a spatula and devour once they’ve gone crisp. If you can wait.

 

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Kat Dumonte Cristo

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Craig got a clue … to the idol before a pair of downright sexually explicit challenges led to Vavau heading to tribal council. Somewhere in that time Rohan secretly slipped Phoebe his idol, saving her and sending him out of the game.

We opened at Vavau where Phoebe was left all alone swearing the death of Kat – and I assume the entire resort wear category – while Craig tried to perk her up and congratulate the play, despite him now being the only physically strong person left on the tribe.

The next day Andrew continued to rapidly outgrow his britches and gloated about his perfectly executed game. Shame he can’t perfectly execute the phrase shooting fish in a barrel.

He is the smartest person here, remember.

After Craig had an unsuccessful jaunt down the beach to find the idol, Kat approached Phoebe to rub salt in the wounds as the vultures – literally (… well maybe, all birds look murderous to me) – circled.

Finally we got a Saanapu proof of life where Lee and Sam continued with last night’s homoeroticism and celebrated their bromance, while the tribe enjoyed the life of luxury – making me wish Kat had lucked her way on to this tribe – and El appeared to be the only person thinking about the game started work on finding the cracks within the OG Saanapu.

Back at Vavau, Phoebe knew she was screwed so went searching for the idol with far more success than Craig. While Phoebs was enjoying a high point, the rest of the tribe were feeling dejected and defeated heading into the immunity challenge. While they are right to be scared, I feel Saanapu’s arrogance offers them hope for the future.

Though not today, they totally lost the challenge. Thanks to Andrew – self-proclaimed smartest person in the game – who struggled to recognise a large cartoon octopus in the puzzle and then completely gave up, leaving Kate to struggle on by herself.

We returned to Vavau where Andrew continued to sound like the NRA and focus on the need for guns and shooting, arrogantly assumed he was in control and continued to butcher phrases whilst throwing the target on Kat with nine lives.

Kate continued to win me over by talking to Craig about flipping the vote on Andrew who is as useful in challenges as he is with colloquialisms. The rest of OG Aganoa also realised that Andy was complete and utter dead weight, and turned their attention on him.

Then Phoebe shared the fact she found an idol with the girls forcing Kristie’s resting bitch face to work overtime.

We arrived at tribal council where JoJo gave a little bit of sass and some snide remarks about the poor decision to send Rohan home. Once again, Phoebe played hard at tribal, Sue showed her fire and Andrew professed his puzzle prowess, despite the fact he literally gave up during one in the last immunity challenge.

Then Kat happened, made Phoebe and Kristie shit their pants and confused the hell out of me as they went to the vote.

Sadly it was all for nothing as Kat made her way out of the game, hopefully taking Andy’s bastardisation of the English language with her.

As you’ve probably been able to guess, Kat and I first connected while modelling together for Trent Resort and Resort Report. We travelled the country, making in store appearances in DJs and becoming the best of friends.

I knew that Kat would only want one thing after arriving at loser lodge, my famed Kat Dumonte Cristo.

 

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After a hard morning on the shop floor wooing rich octogenarian women, this little beauty was the only thing we could stomach. Decadent, rich and altogether delicious, it was everything those old ladies told us we weren’t. Perfect too, when you’ve just be voted out of your tribe.

Enjoy!

 

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Kat Dumonte Cristo
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
4 thick slices of sourdough
Dijon mustard
mayonnaise
1 cup gruyere cheese, grated
4-8 slices ham, size and preference dependent
2 large eggs
¼ cup milk
good whack of salt and pepper
pinch ground nutmeg
2 tbsp butter
icing sugar
4-6 cornichons

Method
Lay out the bread on a chopping board, spread mustard on two slices and mayonnaise on the others. Layer some gruyere, ham and some gruyere again on two of the slices and top with the others. I know it goes without saying, but make sure each sandwich has both a mayo slice and the mustard. I KNOW but lower common denominator, you know?

Meanwhile whisk together the egg, milk, salt and pepper and nutmeg in a large shallow bowl, and dip each sandwich in the egg mixture, turning once or twice to ensure they are adequately coated.

In a large frying pan, melt the butter over medium-low heat until foamy and beautiful – is there anything more beautiful than foamy butter? Reduce heat to low and add the sandwiches and fry for a about five minutes a side, turning only once, until they are golden and beautiful on both sides.

Serve piping hot with a dusting of icing sugar and a couple of little cornichons. I mean, we aren’t animals!

 

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Rohan Maclaren Cheese

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main, Pasta

Previously on Survivor, Rohan’s junk threw out the clue I assume to make way for my …well, before JoJo declared a merge which was actually an absorbed tribe situation, where Nick was a dick to Jennah Louise, setting up his eventual downfall and Kat, I assume learning from her favourite Resort Report CEO turned on Aganoa filling Craig with some arrogance.

Hopefully this isn’t the pride before his fall.

We made our way over to new Saanapu where Jennah Louise was rightfully feeling pretty screwed, fuelling what I hope will be her comeback storyline.

Returning to Vavau, Kate tried to take over the mantle from Joe, Wigles and Vytas by furthering her game via yoga. Kate, show me your idol in some printed jocks and you get my vote.

After some absorption disguised as a merge rage from Phoebe, everyone started feeling hella XTina circa ‘02 when they saw JoJo and were pumped to get dirrty. Either way, I was sweating as their clothes came off.

There was rubbing, writhing and everything to fill Probst’s mind with smut before Nick’s repeated cock-grazing of Lee lead to a victorious shower. Seriously, I didn’t embellish any of that eroticism. This show is getting, gooooood yo.

We followed Saanapu to reward where a soft core porno was playing out before Jennah commenced her work to join forces with Kylie to try and overthrow Saanapu and screw Nick – who after trying to take my man Lee, is dead to me – again.

Back at Vavau, they had to accept the fact that their erotic exploits would have to stick to the ocean. But erotic is erotic and they seemed happy rubbing each other down, particularly Rohan who enjoyed spilling more ex-Aganoan secrets while talking smack about Kat while she was in earshot.

I assume it is a spokesmodel feud.

While Rohan was losing friends, Craig went wandering to find the Vavau idol … with the entirety of his tribe. So yeah, not exactly stealth. But it didn’t seem to screw Spencer in Cagayan, so maybe it will work.

After an aggressive storm tore through both camps, Lee soaked his shorts (rather than ours for a change) and Sue was well pissed which I hope blows over as I desperately want her to win. We then arrived at immunity which was my favourite challenge which once resulted in Probst saying my favourite quote of all time, “Malcolm’s pants are now completely off.”

After a hard fought battle – and a beautiful love story between Lee and Rohan in the second and fifth rounds – Saanapu won immunity. But let’s be honest, Kate was the true winner showing her challenge beast side and so were the audience with the copious amounts of man butt in the final round.

Heading back to camp, former front runner Phoebe was feeling pretty dejected thinking she was on the way out while Sue was the dominant force of nature I knew she was and forced the idol information out of Rohan and continued to allow him to dig his hole even further.

Knowing that Rohan had the idol, Vavau made moves to split the vote and flush the idol, then debated turning on Kat while Kat reaffirmed the Rohan split, Phoebe moved to get the idol played on her and the vote turned on Sue leading to my complete and utter confusion as they made their way into tribal council.

After a bold tribal council with Phoebe fighting hard and working on deals during discussions and Andrew dancing around in circles, working on his arrogance and butchering the phrase shooting fish – not ducks – in a barrel, Phoebe played her/Rohan’s idol and saw Rohan voted out by Kat and Kristie.

While I felt for poor Rohan as he made his way into Loser Lodge, I was a little bit happy knowing that Sue has survived. Plus I knew it was close enough to the mud challenge that I could offer to shower my model friend – we met while I briefly worked in casting for a major fashion label … I think you know why I lost my job – without coming off as too lecherous.

Ro being Ro wasn’t angry when he made his way into my loving arms … but that could have something to do with the fact that he could smell my Rohan Maclaren Cheese baking in the oven?

 

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Like Rohan this dish has you salivating – cheesy, comforting and decadent, this pasta bake and its hint of truffle keep you coming … back for more and more.

Enjoy!

 

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Rohan Maclaren Cheese
Serves: Again I would say 1, functional society would say 4.

Ingredients
Salt and pepper, to taste
500g dried macaroni
1 tbsp truffle oil
60g unsalted butter
¼ cup plain flour
½ tsp sweet paprika
1 tsp Dijon mustard
3 cups milk
1 ½ cups shredded Gruyère cheese
1 ½ cups shredded vintage cheddar cheese
fresh chives, finely sliced to garnish

Method
Preheat an oven to 180°C.

First get cracking by bringing a large saucepan of water to the boil aka hotter than the hot tub with a swimwear model. Salt the water, add the macaroni and cook, stirring often, for just under the packet recommendations. Drain, return to the pot off the heat and stir through the truffle oil.

In another saucepan, melt the butter over medium heat until it starts to foam. Whisk in the flour, paprika and mustard, and cook stirring constantly for a couple of minutes. Remove from the heat and slowly whisk in the milk, season and return to the heat and cook, again stirring constantly for about five minutes.

Remove from the heat again, and stir through a cup of each cheese until smooth, melty and glorious.

Pour the sauce over the macaroni, give a thorough stir and transfer to a medium/large baking dish. Top with the remaining cheese and bake for 30 minutes, or until it is golden and bubbling.

Remove from the oven and allow to stand for 5 minutes, if you can. Garnish with chives and devour.

Yes – no serving, devour. This is single serve if you’ve just been booted.

 

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Banh Gan Haining

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor, new Saanapu and new Vavau got to know each other before Aganoa stunned Vavau and the Australian public by staging an epic comeback, sending new-Vavau to tribal council and dear Baz to loser lodge.

We opened up at Vavau where Jennah Louise assures us that they are still OG strong, despite Barry’s axing. I mean, I love Baz but you can’t play with a question mark so I get it. Contrast that with Conner’s pity party misdirect and Andrew and Kate swooping on the old Saanapus and we know that Jennah Louise is clearly wrong and we are witnessing the beginning of the end of old Vavau.

Meanwhile over on Saanapu, Nick was working overtime to prove his worth while Tegan commenced sharpening the knife for his back. Nick continued in the tradition of Australian Survivor and started to overplay and scared the rest of his tribe before we finally got to hear something meaningful from Tegan. I almost miss her invisible edit.

Off topic but did Aganoa get wiped out by the waves from the first episode and I missed it?

Seriously, we’re back at Vavau? Congratulations Aganoa, you’re clearly not attending tribal any time soon! Neither may Kate as her armpit has developed a boil to rival Mt St Neal and I’m praying for a medevac just so I can stop looking at it.

Finally Jonathan gave us proof that Aganoa are alive before a tough barrel racing reward for corporate sponsorship Hungry Jacks. I mean, fucking delicious…but there was no mention of onion rings, so not worth it. Despite a massive come from behind, Aganoa were unable to pull off the win returning to their losing ways and a whopper-less camp.

I assume that after downing their reward – particularly Saanapu with the soft drinks – they all blew-out their rectums pretty hardcore, so really the heartbroken Aganoa tribe are the true winners.

As are we for getting to experience Lee sharing his heart with us. Benjamin Carseldine sounds nice, doesn’t it?

The whoppers disappeared – off topic, but couldn’t they spring for the star HJs burger the Bacon Deluxe – and we went straight into immunity where a member from each tribe had to suspend another over water until someone dropped. Writing the jokes for me, Matt the magician made Brooke disappear sending Saanapu back to tribal, meaning Aganoa finally got to experiencing outnumbering another tribe.

Well, that is if Kate isn’t taken out by the monster boil/infection under her armpit. After what was probably the most disturbing scene I’ve seen, Dr Briony – not as good as the vintage US doctors (I want to say her name was Ramona circa Samoa/Heroes vs. Villains) but will do – was able to drain the boulder and keep Kate in the game for another few days to see how it heals.

Back at Saanapu, the scrambling commenced with Tegan and Nick trying to throw the target onto Kylie, while the OG girls focused on getting rid of Nick and Matt turned his attention to getting rid of Tegan. Needless to say, by the time they walked off to tribal I was horrifically confused and in need of some booze.

After some very basic and obviously maths from Jonathan, Nick and Tegan scrambled hard and Kylie played her idol before Tegan made her way to loser lodge and my loving arms.

Of course I am close friends with Tegan, after meeting at Beckingham Palace when she was David’s personal trainer and I was the kids au pair, surrogate momager and lil Vicky’s BFF.

Despite having a rocky start to the relationship after she was employed by David to replace the naked Greco Roman wrestling regime I was training him, we eventually grew close (after I discovered she would never be able to usurp my place in Dave’s heart) and I knew that my face and a big Banh Gan Haining.

 

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To be fair, I’d never made these before my time in Samoa but I knew these were her fave from our time with the Beckhams, where she’d demand their chef make them thrice daily. But with the strong whack of lime, cutting through the silky, sweet coconut, who could blame her? Obviously feel free my violent criminal style of decanting – yes they look bad … but don’t hold it against them.

Enjoy!

 

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Banh Gan Haining
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1 cup caster sugar
⅓ cup water
400ml coconut milk
1 ½ cups milk
6 eggs, lightly whisked
½ cup firmly packed muscovado sugar
1 tsp vanilla bean paste
zest of a lime

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Combine the caster sugar and the water in saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring, for a couple of minutes or until the sugar has dissolved. Crank the heat up to high and bring to the boil. Cook, this time sans stirring for a couple of minutes or until golden. Remove from the heat and pour into 6 ramekins. Set aside to set.

While they are hardening up, whisk the milks, egg, brown sugar, vanilla and lime zest in a large bowl until combined. Strain through a fine sieve and pour into each ramekin.

Place the ramekins in a baking dish, fill the baking dish with boiling water so it comes half up the edges of the ramekins and bake for half an hour, or until just set.

Remove from the water bath and transfer to a wire rack to cool for an hour. Transfer to a baking sheet, cover with cling and refrigerate overnight to chill.

When you’re ready, remove the ramekins from the fridge half an hour before serving, run a warmed knife around the edge and carefully transfer to a plate. Obviously I ignored the careful part of the process.

Devour.

Recipe adapted from Taste.com.au

 

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Bluebarry Lea Muffins

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Previously on Survivor dear, sweet #gastrointestinaldistress sufferer / hunger striker Pete quit the game, saving an ailing Aganoa from themselves. Then after a back and forth of which Aganoa would be the next to go, they won immunity and escaped the double tribal, tribal swap which sent Conner to Vavau and Nick to Saanapu with very hurt feelings.

Thankfully they were each able to throw someone under the bus with them and taking Sam and Tegan respectively.

Yep – believe the hype, this was one of the biggest episodes of Survivor I’ve ever seen. The worst part is I was so blackout drunk trying to woo the crew, that I completely forgot it was a non-elimination ep and tried to madly recap the episode for no reason.

Embarrassing.

Anyway, we opened back back at Vavau and Saanapu where the swap victims acclimatised to their new tribes. While I understand the bitterness, the other option was getting booted … so if it was me (Jon Jon, call me for 2017), i’d just be happy to get another chance rather than going home.

I mean, a second chance changed a legacy for Wentworth!

Meanwhile back with the former reigning losers Aganoa, the clouds rolled in ominously but they woke up on day 13 with triumphant music, confusing the crap outta me. Then I saw Lee, thanked God for Father’s Day (#daddy) and understood the creative choice.

Ok Lee, you’re wearing me down and will soon join my all female dream finale, OK?

Back on Vavau the shade was heavy and that is ignoring the clouds, Jennah-Louise and Craig were thrilled to be free of Nick and his tricks. While poor Sam was feeling screwed, rightfully but not in the right way, you know?

Over on his former home, Flick struggled to enunciate the word “new” before the English teacher nick arrived to spew some understandable vitriol and use some biblical references.

Do not make me Tyra you Nick. No.

Then Brooke happening and worked her way back into my heart and Nick out of Tegan’s. Or vice versa, to be honest there are a lot of brunette females and I’m struggling to tell them apart between lecherous glances at the men.

Bring back my Lee.

After Nick found a crack and Barry had a meaningful confessional, Jon Jon returned to the screen for a classic immunity challenge building rods and penetrating things before getting the fire going. BRING ON SMUTTY PROBST PUNS!

Saanapu first on their pole. Vavau now working their pole.

Hello heaven, I live here.

After having a good crack at it, stretching it further and further Vavau and Sannapu’s long sticks won out in penetrating the wall before and Saanapu were able to secure immunity after getting their wood out.

Then Aganoa had an amazing come from behind win – seriously this challenge wrote itself – sending Vavau to their first legit tribal council.

They returned back to camp and immediately got back to work scrambling amongst old tribal lines, with Kate leading the charge to get some screen time while acting as the runner between old Saanapu and OG Vavau.

Then Conner happened and Barry and Craig found their way on the block before a blistering tribal council where Barry announced his arrival to the game, Kate ominously announced she had made her way into the majority and Barry found his way to loser lodge as the fifth boot as soon as he started to play.

Obviously I knew Baz from my rugby days where we played on the field together until my lewd acts forced me to play solely off field. Thankfully Baz never held that against and took me under his wing – which spoiler alert, is a lot nicer than being under Kate’s.

The least I could do, was whip him up a batch of my Bluebarry Lea Muffins to dull the pain of his loss.

 

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Sweet, tart and hot when fresh, these fluffy delights are everything that Baz loved about me back in the day. Enjoy!

Who will join us tomorrow?

 

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Bluebarry Lea Muffins
Makes: 12 small, 6 Texan.

Ingredients
75g unsalted butter,
200g plain flour
½ tsp bicarb of soda
2 tsp baking powder
75g caster sugar
pinch of salt
200ml buttermilk
1 large egg
zest of one lemon
200g blueberries

Method
Preheat oven to 180C and line a 12 hole muffin tray with cases.

Melt the butter in the microwave and set aside to cool.

Combine all the dry ingredients in a bowl and whisk together the buttermilk, egg, zest and melted butter in another.

Using a wooden spoon, add the wet ingredients to the dry and lightly together until just combined. Like me, the mixture fucking hates to be overworked.

Fold in the blueberries, with minimal effort and spoon the mixture amongst the muffin cases.

Chuck them in the oven and bake for about 20 minutes, or golden, firm and standing tall.

Obvs penetrate them with a skewer to see if it comes out clean. Just let that wording marinate a little. Beautiful, no?

 

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