TV Recap

Patrick Boltontufo

Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Alan and his crazy eyes were concerned about a potential power couple forming on the heroes tribe while Cole helped Joe find an idol over at the healers, likely spelling trouble for one of them in the future. Which one it is, is anyone’s guess. Meanwhile Simone and Patrick were on the outs at the hustlers, and despite Patrick’s questionable tribal council performance was saved, sending Simone out of the game.

The next day Ryan channelled Australian Survivor’s Luke and gave a fashion parade while wearing the clothes Simone left behind. With Ali and Lauren away from camp, Ryan and Patrick started to talk about who to target with the consensus being that Lauren is next. On the flipside, Lauren and Ali caught up in the ocean while Lauren tried to find a crack in the alliance. Devon then joined them and she turned the conversation to Patrick’s questionable statement at tribal council and floated the idea of getting rid of him. Despite Ali being aligned with Patrick, she was starting to get concerned that his mouth could be detrimental in the future leaving her confused about what to do if they head back to tribal.

Which they totally will, right?

Over at the heroes Ben and Chrissy were looking for options to snatch the majority, by way of deciding on their next potential target. While Alan and JP are totally ripped, they decided that Ashley’s work ethic is too much of an asset, so one of the boys is toast if necessary. We then watched Alan struggle with a coconut for a minute, while Ashley lusted over JP exited the ocean with something on the end of his spear. Which FYI, she described as a good size. For what it’s worth, Ashley is over Alan’s unpredictability and went to Ben to talk about who they should target. While she had valid points, her constantly going into bat for JP made Ben more nervous.

Meanwhile the healers were still loving life since they haven’t lost a challenge. Well, everyone but Joe that is, who was extremely concerned about Cole knowing about his idol. Speaking of Cole, his idol and 29 year old virgin Jessica were fishing and sunning them self while strategising and falling in love. I think, I was distracted by the adorable way Cole sat while giving confessionals and the glorious sight of his nips. I mean, you could eat dinner of dem nips.

He then told her about Joe finding the idol and I’m nervous that I’m about to lose my fantasy tableware. She then kissed him on the cheek and I now hate Jessica.

Back at the hustlers Patrick openly started looking for the idol while everyone sat by the fire, making everyone feel nervous and distrustful. He then filled us in about his moving company, which would explain that booty. Ali gave their alliance one last shot, pulling him aside and telling him to cut the searching and try and form actual bonds with their tribe mates.

There were issues over at the healers where Joe had taken to tossing food away when people didn’t cook it to his liking, rightfully pissing everyone off. As such, Cole and Jessica decided it would be a good idea to flush the idol and Joe, to knock him down a peg … and out of the game. Much to Jessica’s chagrin, he then told Roark – who we’re yet to really meet – and Desi about the idol, and blindsiding Joe if they lose immunity.

Like candyman that was the third mention of immunity so Jiffy Pop appeared for said immunity challenge – and reward for chickens for first, a dozen eggs for second – where the tribes were required to run through an obstacle course before knocking blocks off a ledge and then building said blocks into a tower. The heroes got out to an early lead, while the healers and hustlers were neck and neck. The healers took the lead after the second obstacle, followed closely by the heroes while Patrick refused to let any of the hustlers attempt throwing at the blocks. The healers thought they had the victory, though forgot one of their blocks giving the heroes enough time to snatch immunity and the chickens before Jessica was thrown up again to snag immunity and the eggs, sending the hustlers back to tribal council.

Lauren lay the blame squarely on Patrick’s shoulders – is that a thing, or has Jericho’s win rubbed off on me – and got to work turning anyone and everyone against him. Patrick however, was not concerned, feeling like he was more in with the tribe. Lauren then went for a walk while Ali, Devon and Ryan assured Patrick it was going to be her tonight. Wanting to make her last afternoon comfortable, Patrick then went to Lauren – who can’t stand him – on the beach to talk it out and see if she was ok. She then asked point blank, if he was targeting her tonight which he denied, though wouldn’t offer up a secondary target. Infuriated, Lauren approached Ali and Ryan to continue her campaign against Patrick. While she offended Ryan, he seemed onboard, taking the information back to Devon to try and figure out who they side with and form the majority – Patrick who choked at the last challenge or Lauren who is steady, though a liability.

At tribal Lauren was quick to lay the blame for their loss with Patrick and pointed out that they need to function as a team, then called him son, shut him up and won my heart forever. While Ali wanted to move forward, Lauren went back and threw out that Patrick has spent his first week hunting for an idol further proving he was playing alone. She then mentioned not trusting redheads, upsetting my fetish, though continued to school him and crack sassy jokes, so was able to win me back. Ryan was like a kid watching his parents fight, Devon was hoping the vote would fix their tribal chemistry and Patrick spoke about his ability to win people over, despite not being able to win over Lauren. Which Ali pointed out, putting the final nail in his coffin.

He however welcomed said criticisms and wanted to learn from them, though sadly they weren’t willing to give him that chance as he was sent to my loving, loving arms at loser lodge. I’ve known Pat and his bubble-butt for a couple of years after hiring his moving company to help me relocate my summer house. Given my thirst is real, I sat on the lawn and reenacted Samantha watching her neighbour have sex in the Sex and the City movie while he twerked – in my mind – and somehow, we became the best of friends. Though maybe it had something to do with the way I coated him face in sticky, sweet and salty cream … in the form of my Patrick Boltontufo.

 

 

The kick of coffee, mixed with the delicate choc-chip works perfectly with the salty caramel and earthy nuts to create the ultimate dessert. If only Cole was in loser lodge to use as a plate …

Enjoy!

 

 

Patrick Boltontufo
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
4 cups Cophie Clarke Ice Cream, softened
4 cups chocolate chip ice cream, softened
½ batch JL Salkeld Caramel
⅔ cup roasted hazelnuts, roughly chopped

Method
Line an 8-hole Texan muffin pan with cling wrap – hopefully more neatly than I did – and scoop half a cup of one of the ice creams into the bottom of the pan and place in the freezer to chill for half an hour.

Combine the salted caramel and hazelnuts in a bowl, remove the muffin pan from the freezer and place a dollop of the hazelnut-caramel mixture in the middle. Top with the other flavour of ice cream, cover and return to the freezer for a couple of hours, or until set.

Once set, serve and devour.

 

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Jericroquettes Malabonga

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Party Food, Side, Snack, TV Recap

And after 55 days out in the Samoan jungle, we finally have a new sole survivor in the form of Jericho.

He and Tara managed to outwit, outplay and outlast Joan, Adam, Kate, Tarzan, Aimee, Sam, Mark, Jacqui – yes this is a shameless plug for all our other recipes – Kent, AK, Ben, Odette, Jarrad, Anneliese, Henry, Tessa – yep, still going – Sarah, Luke, Ziggy, Locky, Michelle and Pete, to battle it out in the final tribal council.

While his performance at final tribal was – like night and day with last year’s champ Kristie’s – rather subpar, Luke’s going into bat for him and Henry pushing him to get fiery were enough to hand him a win for a game well played.

I mean, sure, I am shook to see that sometimes nice guys do win after he worked his ass off around camp to provide for his tribe, single-handedly tried to save his tribe from crushing defeat and made some hilariously ridiculous metaphors to give people a laugh … I assume. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that he did get pretty villainous on his way to the prize.

Now it is quite awkward, but Jericho and I aren’t the best of friends after he restrained me on a flight for “drunk and disorderly behaviour,” so I wasn’t thrilled to see him out in Samoa, let alone taking out the win … but he did manage to win me over while we shared his victorious Jericroquettes Malabonga.

 

 

It could be said that croquettes are quite simple, but there is no denying that they’re delicious and definitely have more than meets the eye. Plus – potato, bacon and cheese. How do you go wrong?

Congratulations on your victory Jericho – enjoy!

 

 

Jericroquettes Malabonga
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
5 potatoes, cooked, mashed and cooled
6 rashers streaky bacon, diced, fried and – you guessed it – cooled
2 eggs
3 shallots, thinly sliced
½ cup plain flour
½ cup mozzarella cheese, grated
1 ½ cups panko breadcrumbs
¼ cup milk
salt and pepper

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the mashed potato, bacon, 1 egg, shallots, half the flour and the mozzarella in a bowl. Divide into 10 balls – I like a big fat croquette – and roll into a sausage shape.

Place the remaining flour in a bowl, with the remaining egg whisked with the milk in another and some seasoned breadcrumbs in another. Roll the croquettes in the flour, followed by the egg wash and then the breadcrumbs. Place on a lined baking tray, chuck it in the oven and bake for twenty minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Remove from the oven and devour immediately, with some Spicy TomaJones Sauce.

 

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Chilli con Tarane Pittza

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Pizza, Snack, TV Recap

After sending Peter out of the game to become the final juror, our final two awoke on the final day shocked and excited to have made it to the end and potentially hours away from being a hell of a lot richer. They then arrived at treemail to discover the final two breakfast, rather than cookies or lollies.

As they cooked the feast, Jericho shared his childhood growing up poor in the Philippines and spoke about being underestimated the entire game. He then outlined his entire game, using Luke as a meatshield, using the cookies to build alliances and avoided receiving votes until day 52. On the flipside, Tara spoke about her journey being voted out of Samatau – and saved by a twist – and somehow surviving her way through 21 tribal councils. They then packed up the camp and got quite emotional to be leaving the place they’ve called home for eight weeks … before heading off to the final tribal council.

Jonathan gave Jericho and Tara a quick rundown of how final tribal council plays out before they delivered their open statements. Tara spoke about how terrified she was by her competitors on day one and she knew that her social game was the only thing that could save her. She outlined how she spoke to everyone to keep her options open while riding her shield Locky, before slaying him and not taking the easy vote at the final four. Jericho then congratulated everyone on their gameplay before telling everyone he wasn’t as lovable as they assumed, with his usual eloquence. He then referred to his cookies as a shield before I started having horrific Amanda Kimmel final tribal bombing flashbacks.

Queen Michelle kicked off the festivities by congratulating the final two on sitting there – savage – before asking them to each point out their biggest move in the game. Tara singled out the Locky vote as her greatest achievement, orchestrating the boot while allowing her enough time to prove she could survive without him. Jericho’s big move was the cookie alliance. Amanda, can you hear me?

Anneliese was next, giving Jericho the chance to defend himself for riding Luke’s coattails. Once again, he gave a delightful metaphor about riding Luke like Santa in a sleigh, meaning he was whipping Luke to get him to do what he needs. She point blank told Tara that Jericho was currently above her in her mind, and questioned why she chose to save Jericho at the final four. Once again Tara clearly explained that she felt Jericho deserved to be in the finals … and knew that she needed someone strong in the challenges to battle Pete and carry her to final tribal.

Locky – still clothed – then congratulated Tara on getting him out of the game before asking Jericho if their swim in the deep water was truly personal, or just a game. Jericho told him it was his highlight of his time, and Locky deemed it enough. Ziggy then asked each of them to explain why the other deserved to win the game, which highlighted nothing more than the fact both of them aren’t very good at explaining their games but damn can they talk up their pal.

King of the Jury Jarrad arrived to talk smack about his whiny underlings before asking Jericho where his game went wrong, if he loses tonight. Thankfully he said that booting Tessa from the jury was what scares him the most. Finally adding some interest to the affair, Jarrad warned Jericho that like the merge vote, Jarrad would be underlining his vote to send a message to him. May the odds be ever in your favour, mwahahahaha.

Sarah then got involved, telling Jericho he played a skittish, confusing game before reminding Jericho that he let her, as a cat, drown. She then pointed out that he constantly contradicts himself, and asked him to explain himself better. Which he did not. Next up was Luke as the clouds opened up, dumping rain on everyone as he went in to bat for his friend. Kinda. Saying Jericho kinda deserves credit for some of their moves.

Peter arrives, terrifying Tara, before asking her the gentle question of what she did while still hiding under Locky’s wing. Sadly she outlined getting rid of AK, which happened after she was voted out of her tribe. Peter then asked Jericho to give him three words

Henry then fired up and rolled out his crazy eyes before announcing that he wasn’t a yoga instructor. He then asked Tara when she started playing the game, which she stupidly said was day 49. This pissed Henry off, so he cut her off and succinctly outlined her gameplay for the jury. He then tore into Jericho for his wishy-washy decision making, and booting Tessa from the jury despite the fact she said she wouldn’t vote for Tara … and then took Tara to the end. Jericho then seemed to get some fire, and defended his game and spoke about being proud of having Henry’s blood on his hands.

One by one the jury went out to vote before Jonathan dropped the bomb that unlike last year he wouldn’t be reading the votes on the island, instead taking them back to read in Australia VIA BOAT TO SYDNEY HARBOUR. YAS BISH, YAAAAAASSSSSS.

After some brief chit-chat, JLP got down to the business of crowning our winner. The votes rolled in for Jericho, followed by a second Jericho and a trio of Tara’s before a trio of Jericho’s handed him the win and the title of sole survivor. While Tara couldn’t convince the jury she deserved the title, she did play an extremely strong, flexible game and more than earned her place as the runner-up and a big fat, congratulatory Chilli con Tarane Pittza.

 

 

I have such warm memories of being fascinated by the kitsch ‘90s-ness of a Mexican Pizza. I mean, sure, spicy mince, bean and capsicum are delicious. But pile on some sour cream, guacamole and stab it with chips and you’ve got a hilarious pizza party.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chilli con Tarane Pittza
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
passata and italian herbs, for the aforementioned bases
½ batch Chilli Con Kim Carnes
½ red capsicum, thinly sliced
1 cup mozzarella cheese
1 avocado, mashed
corn chips, hot sauce and sour cream, to serve

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C and prepare bases as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions.

Then prepare the Chilli as per Kimmy’s instructions – remember when she started it all? Such an innocent time.

Smear the dough with the passata and italian herbs, heap on chilli, splay with capsicums and cover with cheese. Bake for twenty minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Dollop the mashed avocado in the centre, spear with some corn chips and serve with some hot sauce and sour cream.

Then, obvi, devour.

 

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Feter Confit Tomato Crostini

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Party Food, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, 24 new Australians were cast into the Samoan wilderness – for the second season of the third attempt of Australian Survivor – before whittling the numbers down to the final three after 53. While they weren’t as flashy as Luke, Henry, Locky or Queens Michelle and Jacqui, Peter, Tara and Jericho have fought hard to make it to the end and survive through a very unpredictable season.

We opened up with our final three commencing the fallen comrades – which needs to be brought back on OG Survivor – where Tara and Peter awkwardly had to dance around Joan, while Jericho tried to pretend he knew something about Adam, Kate and Tarzan. We then paid our respects to Aimee – aye – and lovebirds Sam and Mark, before being reminded by how much of a Queen Jacqui is. Tragically she was followed by Kent, then (thankfully) AK, Ben and Odette, the latter two who got more airtime now, than they did during the game. Jarrad then kicked off the jury portion, followed by super-idol victim Anneliese, before they all praised Henry for his game and fauxgi spirit. They then (awkwardly for Jericho) spoke about ex-juror Tessa’s logical, methodical approach to the game, Sarah’s ability to get down and dirty while playing the game and providing for the tribe. Jericho then described Luke as his other half which is a term I absolutely hate given that it implies people are not whole unless they’re in a relationship. We honoured Olympic powerhouse Ziggy, b-b-b-banging Locky – sadly no rehash of the nudity – and the true Queen of the season, Michelle.

Seriously, they flew through that.

The end of their walk led them to the same cliff Kristie dominated Lee and El last year for the final immunity challenge of the season. Tara was shocked to still be in the game, while Peter knew it was do or die and I assume, Jericho was thinking about kittens and puppies being washed out to sea. Jonathan hyped the challenge, telling them that unlike last year’s challenge, this year it will be conducted under the cover of darkness, making it even colder and miserable…r.

Jonathan spent the early stages of the challenge baiting the contestants to remember how uncomfortable the challenge would be, which truly is savage. Darkness fell by the hour mark where Tara took one in the face – I assume she was referring to a wave – before giving the blunt answer that she was feeling completely shit. Jericho then commenced gloating and playing mind-games with Tara and Pete. The latter then tried to channel Kristie, speaking about how much he loved Survivor and wanted to make it to the end.

To distract from the pain and to add some interest, Tara spoke about how diverse all of the castaways are before her emotions started to get the better of her. Showing true kindness and, shudder, mateship, Jericho and Peter tried to give her a pep talk and motivate her to not give up. She tried to talk through the pain while the boys came up with ways to distract her from the pain – and Jericho got some spelling tips – before she ta-ragically couldn’t hold any longer and stepped down from the challenge at the 3 hour mark. The boys managed to last an extra two hours which seemed not to have phased Jericho at all, while Peter was hunched over like a dead body on The Ring. Try as he might, Peter was in too much pain and asked for JLP to help him out of the challenge, handing Jericho immunity … and by the look on his face, the win. While Peter broke down, Jericho and Tara joined him and all sat, hugged together, comforting him by the fire. Then nature proved to be savage, and threw out a huge wave that wiped out their warmth.

Not wanting to waste any time, we lost the entirety of day 54 as the final three arrived at tribal council where Jericho was daunted by the decision in front of him. Jonathan then led the jury in a round of applause for the final three’s effort in the challenge before Jericho was forced to sit between Tara and Peter as they fought for their place in the game. Or to vote them out, I honestly can’t tell, as both their arguments were that they were not the easy one to take out … which is exactly what you want to do to win the game. Tara then proved she is saavier than I gave her credit for, throwing Peter’s logic to get rid of Jericho three days ago against him.

Peter then went all in for Tara’s game, outlining why she is a goat … and again, that is meant to be his case for getting rid of her. A fired up Tara then tore into Pete’s game, saying him winning is disrespectful to the game which is a better pitch when highlighting how easy someone is to beat. With that, Jericho cast his sole vote and sent Peter out of the game as the final juror.

While he was feeling pretty salty when he arrived at tribal council, he freely ran into the arms of his dear friend – me, we’re both totes homo in communications, of course we know each other – and lamented what could have been. I joined him in crying, though thinking about the tragic loss of Michelle at the previous tribal council. Thankfully I cooked through the pain and whipped him up a big, comforting batch of my Feter Confit Tomato Crostini.

 

 

Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of bruschetta … but this is where its at. I love tomatoes, but have always struggled with them in their raw state, so this is the perfect fix to the Italian classic. Rich and caramelised tomato, tart creamy feta and sweet basil? Sign me up!

Enjoy!

 

 

Feter Confit Tomato Crostini
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
¼ cup olive oil
4 cloves of garlic, crushed
1 tbsp fennel seeds, crushed
1 tsp raw caster sugar
1 tsp champagne vinegar
500g cherry tomatoes, halved
salt and pepper, to taste
small handful of basil leaves, roughly chopped
200g feta, whipped
12 thick slices sourdough

Method
Preheat oven to 130°C.

Combine the oil, garlic, fennel, sugar, vinegar and tomato in a bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper. And when I say good, I mean good. Ok? Transfer to a lined baking sheet and cook for 30 minutes to an hour, or until soft and caramelised. Fold through the basil leaves.

Grill the sourdough, spread with the whipped feta and top with the confit tomatoes … before devouring.

 

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Michelle Douganzola Pizza

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Party Food, Pizza, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, Tara and Locky were going through a tough break-up leading Locky to come up with a plot to use an old note to fake having an idol. He and the remaining castaways then discovered that in addition to immunity, they’d be playing for a car where Michelle – who Ziggy said was the worst physically – beat Locky and challenged the car curse to come down under. Then, tragedy struck, as Locky was unable to convince anyone but Michelle that he had an idol and was sent from the game completely clothed. How dare he not follow Jack from Survivor NZ’s suit, or lack thereof?

Asatoa returned to camp and celebrated making it to the final four, where Tara was feeling free after vanquishing her best friend. Celebrations continued the next day as the remaining castaways were proud to have made it to day 50, with Tara more shocked than anyone. Though not shocked enough to be in the middle pages of a dirty magazine, thankfully. She was proud that as a stay at home mum, she has been able to achieve so much as she has and to get out of her rut, which truly speaks to the crippling fear that controls me.

Jericho too is proud of himself, particularly given the fact no one has ever written his name down in 50 days. Despite this success, he decided that it was best to move on and become Jericho 2.0, which I can only imagine will be as successful as iSnack 2.0. Channelling Keith Nale, Michelle acknowledged that Survivor is not the holiday she was expecting. Obviously she is already spending the half a mil, also speaking directly to my soul. Rounding out the empowering journey section of this first finale week episode, Pete was missing his family and breaking down … which is exactly what I’d be doing on day 1, so I’m extremely proud he lasted 7 weeks before hitting this point.

With that out of the way Michelle turned things strategic, fostering her relationships to ensure everyone wants to take her to the finals. While Tara and Jericho were onboard, the former wasn’t sure how Michelle was feeling about her so whipped out her tub of lollies to sweeten the deal. Let’s not tell her how well knowing about the lolly jar went for Ziggy, right?

Given that the trio is tight, Pete was feeling completely on the outs and in need of immunity which he clearly said in front of a mirror three times because JLP appeared. Though not for immunity, instead the opportunity to eliminate a member of the jury. The challenge involved the final four holding on to numbered pegs on a wall, which Jonathan would tell them to remove one-by-one, until the drop one-by-one until we have a victor. Before even taking a peg out, Tara dropped. After losing a few more pegs, Michelle dropped out leaving the boys to battle it out before Pete dropped off trying to remove his fifth-last peg, giving Jericho the advantage and I assume, a pegging fantasy. Lol, he already had that.

Back at camp everyone was quick to congratulate Jericho before immediately getting to work convincing him to get rid of the juror they assume won’t vote for them. Michelle and Tara had a gentle conversation about who would vote for him in the end, with Tessa seemingly the only one identified as voting for someone else … in the form of Peter. Once again proving himself smarter than I’ve given his credit for, he convened a tribe meeting to see what everyone else was thinking to identify the potential threats they aren’t speaking about, and then getting rid of them.

Peter played – and I hate myself for saying this – right in to Jericho’s hand, trying to convince him that Locky was the best person to get rid of to keep Tessa and Jarrad on the jury, which you just knowing is going to backfire on Peter and a still-underdog-after-being-booted Tessa.

At the special Neal Gottlieb memorial tribal council, where the jury was shocked to discover that one of them would once again be voted out, this time from their luxury booze pad where I act as their personal chef’s. Jericho stupidly acknowledged he was smarter than the other players give him credit for, making his road more difficult moving forward. Jericho then had the opportunity to ask three jurors questions and while Jarrad danced around his answer, Tessa went in and said Tara didn’t deserve to be in the final four and Anneliese spoke about wanting a good person to win, as well as a good game player, proving her gameplay is still underrated, given Jericho’s pious spirit.

Calling his intelligence back into question, Jericho decided to vote out Tessa who just mentioned she would not vote for Tara. That being said, she was a pretty clear Michelle or Pete vote so I guess it makes sense … but she just mentioned she wouldn’t vote for Tara identifying your best goat. But honestly, poor Tessa – this is probably the worst thing that could happen to you on Survivor.

The next day Jerkicho and the others met JLP at an abandoned beach, which puzzled them as there was no challenge set up. Given the set-up yesterday, it was crystal clear that we were in for a family reward leading. The castaways broke down as Jonathan brought out Peter’s parents, Michelle’s sister, Jerkicho’s brother and Tara’s entire freaking family. Despite the fact not everyone got an equal number of visitors, I can’t hold it against Tara seeing her kids. We then got a rundown from the family members as the castaways sobbed to varying degrees, Peter being Kim Kardashian and Jericho being Jeffrey Dahmer or any other emotionless psychopath. JLP then gave them all the afternoon off to enjoy their families company instead of making them earn it and potentially cause some drama, the levels we haven’t seen since Brenda and Dawn in Caramoan.

We then got to experience the remaining castaways showing their families around the island. Tara’s kids were shocked and disgusted by the squalor, Jericho and his brother were Jericho and his brother, and of course, Michelle and her sister immediately started strategising. Kweens. Peter’s parents, like Tara’s kids, were shocked by the primitive surroundings and moreso, their loved ones ability to survive.

Breaking up the love fest, Jonathan returned for the most epic individual challenge of the season requiring them to pull themselves in a canoe to a tower in the ocean. They were then required to drop a bucket into the water and fill a tank until they reach a key before swimming to shore, unlock a rope and traverse a balance beam while untangling said rope. Once at the end, they use the weighted rope to try and shoot it through a hoop and pull down a bridge leading to a final puzzle.

Jericho got out to a quick lead, followed closely by Peter, with Michelle and a distant Tara rounding out the field. That is until the shoot portion, where Jericho sucked allowing everyone else to catch him. He finally scored and made his way to the puzzle with Tara and Pete following closely behind before Michelle finally joined them about five minutes later. Being the kween that she is, Michelle closed the gap and the puzzle came down to her and Peter, with Pete ultimately taking out immunity despite a last minute fumble as he lost a piece.

Back at camp the tribe gave their obligatory congratulations to Peter before those that didn’t win started to talk smack about him. Channelling Drag Race All Stars, Peter then had one on ones with each of the remaining castaways. He and Michelle agreed that Jericho needs to go because he already has locked in votes sitting on the jury. Tara was also keen on the plan to get rid of Jericho, offering up her name as the decoy boot for Jerkicho’s go-see with Peter. While he did buy it for a second, Peter and Michelle eventually made Jericho nervous, leading to an epic conversation between Michelle and Jericho where he tried to threaten her and she absolutely destroyed him. Then Tara happened. Despite siding with Pete and Michelle, she went for a walk with Jericho and spilled their entire plans before agreeing to force a tie with Jericho. Which would result in a fire making challenge between Michelle and Jericho.

At tribal council, Peter was extremely thankful to be wearing immunity before Jericho went all in campaigning for someone forcing a tie and going to a fire challenge. Michelle being Michelle defended herself, and gave another stellar tribal council performance and proved how much of a threat she is if she makes it to the end. While Michelle was secure in her scrambling, her trust was misplaced as Tara did in fact force a tie, twice, resulting in a fire making challenge – which is a term we’ve heard 6543 times tonight – between Jericho and Queen Michelle.

Despite a valiant effort from our Queen Michelle, Tara’s questionable decision allowed Jericho to win his way through to the final three and Michelle from the game as the ninth juror. Yes ninth, Tessa’s life still matters. As gut wrenching as it was to see her go, Michelle handled her exit gracefully, with a smile on her face like the killer person she is. We’ve long been friends, both meeting on the nannying circuit, before I was blacklisted for having one too many Irish coffees whilst in charge.

As is oft the case, Michelle stood by me and we’ve been the best of friends ever since. It was hard to see her arrive at the jury villa on the back of Tara’s stupid move, though she was in such good spirits she wouldn’t let me go into camp and burn it down, saying that my Michelle Douganzola Pizza was all she needed.

 

 

There is no better combination that sweetly caramelised onions and the earthy, sharp tang of blue cheese and this pizza is where is truly shines. Throw in some fluffy dough and garlic, and you’ve got yourself a winner. Like Michelle should be. Long live the Queen.

Enjoy!

 

 

Michelle Douganzola Pizza
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
passata and italian herbs, for the aforementioned bases
small knob of butter
2 large onions, thinly sliced
2 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
4 cloves of garlic, crushed
200g gorgonzola, crumbled

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C and prepare bases as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions.

Melt the butter in a small skillet over medium heat. When as frothy as my shorts during one of Locky’s nude scenes, reduce heat to low, add the onions and cook until soft and sweet, about ten minutes. Crank up the heat to medium and add the sugar and vinegar and cook until caramelised, aka a further ten minutes or so.

Smear the dough with the passata and italian herbs and dollop out the caramelised onions. Sprinkle over the garlic and gorgonzola and bake for fifteen minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Devour immediately.

 

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Apple Cinnamone Nguyen Waffles

Baking, Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Jeffy Pop and 18 brand new castaways returned to our screens, I assume concerned by my growing … passion for JLP and Locky’s buns. And boy did they work overtime! The healers tribe served up a feud between Faux-ny and the peen-doctor who I think is called Mike, while the hustlers were not in fact prostitutes though Patrick could totally slip his bolt in me – his last name is bolt, keep up. Oh and the very dapper Ryan found a one-night only super idol that he had to give away if his tribe won immunity, which they did. Meanwhile the heroes were where it was at as Alan went nuts about the idol, forcing JP to get his out to prove he wasn’t hiding an idol anywhere, while Chrissy kept a hold on the super idol as Olympian Katrina exited the game as the first boot.

Back at camp Chrissy was happy about all the drama that unfolded at tribal council, highlighting some big cracks in the four man alliance. In addition to the crack JP had to show Alan to prove he was idol-less. Alan then spoke about how awful and intense tribal council was, despite being the one to cause it, though was glad about the fact he highlighted a crack in his alliance. I think? Ashley, thankfully, saw it as a bad thing, though I don’t see how she can get herself out of the mess with Ben looking to make a move away from the ‘core four’ which lasted sub four days.

Meanwhile over at the hustlers camp, Simone was on struggle street which is exactly how I’d feel if I were playing the game. On the flipside, Ryan and Devon were still going strong and it truly is an alliance I can get behind. Speaking of behinds, Simone was thrilled to have taken an aqua-dump, and announced it to the tribe before complaining about the outdoors which is not a great idea. Bless her though, she offered to clean out the fish and prove she was willing to try. She and Ali then went for a walk to the well where a power-player emerged in Ali, who was busy making a connection by giving Simone a pep talk … so she can use her later in the game.

Finally we arrived at the healers tribe which is actually called Soko for those playing at home. Whatever name they go by isn’t the point though, we have a showmance forming between Cole and Jessica … if he can get past how old she is at 30! Desi then spoke about being a beauty queen, while Fauxny started to soften his stance on Mike though continued to tell everyone he thought he had the idol, whilst trying to find the idol for himself. Fauxny aka Joe then found an idol clue though couldn’t figure it out, so instead took it to Cole to see if he could make sense of it which he did in sub five seconds. He then gloated about helping Joe find the idol like it wasn’t a bone-headed decision to do that, rather than swipe it for himself.

Back at Levu – *coughs* heroes – we were treated to some glorious, though tragically clothed, bun action from JP while he caught a lobster. He then complained about being called out as a power couple the night before as he wasn’t getting any of the fringe benefits of that coupledom. He then went for a walk with Chrissy where he tried to downplay his alliance with Ashley and she commenced analysing everyone on the tribe to see who best to align with. Like Goldilocks, JP was too dumb, Ashley was too shifty, Alan was too crazy, but thankfully Ben is just right – his charm, meshing perfectly with her strategic side.

Over at camp Yawa, Devon’s calm yoga session was interrupted by Patrick’s fear of crabs which brought out his wild banshee side. He then continued to grate on Lauren, and while I agree that his Australian accent was annoying, his buns were thick … and glorious. Feeling on the outs as the oldest member of the tribe, Lauren got to work connecting with the Queen of the Hustlers Ali. The latter was concerned that Lauren wasn’t loving Patrick, given they were aligned … though did agree he was kind of annoying.

Dem cakes though.

Jeff finally appeared for the next immunity challenge – and reward for fishing gear – requiring three members of each tribe to swim out, dive underwater and maneuver puzzle pieces to the end of a cage before bringing them to a platform where the remaining castaways completed a sign-puzzle. The hustlers got out to an early lead followed closely by the heroes, with the healers stuck in last place. Devon continued to extend the hustlers’ lead, getting the third well ahead of the others. The heroes got their third bundle of puzzle pieces as the hustlers made it to the puzzle pontoon, where we were again treated to some glorious Patrick buns. The healers eventually closed the gap, dominating the puzzle and taking out immunity. The heroes and hustlers started to panic, with the heroes also overtaking the hustlers to take out immunity.

The hustlers did as their tribe designation suggests and got to work hustlin’, with Simone apologising for stuffing up the puzzle, anxious that she would be voted out. Seeing that Lauren was irritated by Patrick, she took Lauren and Ali for a walk to float the idea of getting him out of the game. While that was happening, Patrick spoke to Ryan and Devon about getting rid of Simone putting Ali firmly in the middle. She then went to Ryan to try and decide what the best move is, debating the merits of getting rid of Simone or Patrick. Ryan then decided that Patrick’s unpredictability was a detriment, and started to think that maybe Simone was the better option, despite not doing much around camp or being good in challenges.

At tribal council Ryan threw some shade at Jeff, likening tribal to being forced into a child’s birthday party for that kid you don’t like. Ali spoke about the importance of keeping the right person, not just for the tribe but her/their game/s. Patrick wanted to keep the tribe strong and Simone wanted to keep the tribe strong in the loyalty sense, while Patrick spoke about trusting most of the people in attendance … freaking everyone out. He then tried his hardest to backpedal, though earnt a lot of eye rolls from Lauren in the process. Thankfully Simone reiterated how much she hated nature before saying she wants to stay, which was less convincing to the tribe and she quickly found herself becoming the second boot.

As you can probably guess from the countless universities I scammed into believing I was a lawyer, I met my girl Simone while working together at the Asian American Bar Association of New York. I was also pulling some Rachel Dolezal levels of scamming at the time, which also shouldn’t be a shock. Despite my journey at the association ending in a similar manner to Rach’s at NAACP, Simone and I kept in touch and I mentored her before the show. Tragically the pre-Survivor training didn’t seem to work, though once again she didn’t hold it against me when she arrived at loser lodge. Though my Apple Cinnamone Nguyen Waffles probs had something to do with that.

 

 

Spicy and sweet, crunchy and melt in your mouth – these waffles are perfection. Particularly for someone that just suffered the crushing pain of becoming the second boot after – gasp – living in the wilderness for six days WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING.

Enjoy!

 

 

Apple Cinnamone Nguyen Waffles
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1 ¼ cup flour
½ tsp salt
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp baking powder
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
2 eggs
1 cup milk
¼ cup butter, melted, plus extra for cooking
2 apples, peeled, grated and squeezed of excess liquid

Method
Combine the dry ingredients in a large bowl and whisk the eggs, milk and melted butter together in a jug.

Combine the wet and dry ingredients, stir until smooth before folding through the apples.

Heat a waffle iron over medium heat.

Melt some butter into the waffle iron to grease, scoop the batter into the waffle iron and close. Cook for a couple of minutes per side, remove and repeat. Then devour.

 

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Gnocchi Gilbert

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Main, Pasta, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, Jericho had the shits after his beloved Luke was booted from the game. Thankfully Locky was still public enemy number one … until he won his third immunity, leading to a battle between Ziggy, Tara and Locky, and Pete, Michelle and Jericho. Well, until the threat of rocks came into it and she flipped to guarantee her safety, sending Ziggy from the game in sixth place.

The tribe returned to camp where Tara quickly defended herself for flipping on Ziggy, rightly pointing out it saved her from getting Jessica Lewis-ed. Locky however was well pissed, given the fact everyone openly spoke about wanting him out at tribal, his closest ally Tara included. The next day he was still smarting, ignoring the rest of the tribe while they sat by the camp. Knowing that he is screwed if he doesn’t work through his issues, Locky spoke to Tara in the shelter about their issues, accused her of yelling at him while yelling at her and then dropped the L bomb to clear the air instantly.

While the love story was unfolding, Peter, Jericho and Michelle tried to come up with a plan B for if Locky wins his fourth immunity in a row. This in turn gave Locky enough time to fashion his own plan B, taking Anneliese’s idol message and rag, showing it to Tara to convince her that he has an idol and letting her spread it like wildfire to save him. Tara and Michelle bought it hook, line and sinker, but the boys weren’t buying it. Once again, Jericho proving himself smarter than I give him credit for.

Breaking things up, Jericho spoke about a traumatic experience from his childhood when he almost drowned while trying to surf, solidifying his rapidly expanding winner’s edit. Hell, it was so damn emotional I even welled up and rooted for him. Proving why I love Locky – other than his buns – he offered to go out swimming in the deep water with Jericho so he would feel safe and get to experience something he always wanted to. Fuck me dead – I’m not crying, YOU’RE CRYING. Can they go to the final two and one of them propose Boston Rob style?

As heartwarming as the moment was, him winning over Jericho and pulling at Tara’s heartstrings painted an even bigger target on his back, motivating them even more to pip him at the post at the next immunity challenge. Right on cue JLP returned for a combined reward and immunity challenge where they each had to line up dominoes on a suspended bar to ring a gong … without knocking them over. The reward? Well my friends, that is for a car – and picnic – meaning whoever wins immunity tonight is now out of the running for the win. Actually, does the car curse count on Australian Survivor?

In any event, Peter got out to an early lead though sadly was just short. Jericho thought he had it, missing by one block. Locky gave it a crack, missing after a couple. Then Tara failed, allowing Michelle and Locky to battle it out with the former taking it out by a couple of seconds. Fuck I hope the car curse isn’t applicable here. She was then given the chance to take the car for a spin and the obligatory picnic with two of her closest friends, taking Jericho and Tara. While Locky was pissed to miss out on immunity and a car, Pete was pissed about the picnic and spoke to me on the deepest of levels.

Michelle and her crew arrived at the beach to enjoy their picnic feast and before the basket was even opened, Jericho proposed them forming a final three alliance. While they all jumped on the idea, talk turned to Locky with his post-challenge reaction convincing Tara that he was idol-less, while Michelle was still unconvinced. Meanwhile back at camp things were decidedly awkward with Locky and Pete trying to make clunky chit-chat before Pete cut the crap and tried to get Locky to prove he had an idol.

Locky gave arguably the best deflection possible – we want you to question whether I have it so my vote can dictate the entire tribal – before the others returned and her started working on Jericho to flip and get rid of goat Pete to earn the respect of the jury. Jericho then rejoined Pete, Michelle and Tara while they debated whether Locky has an idol, while Locky hid in the bushes to make them think he was trying to find his idol. This somehow convinced Michelle that he has the idol as she followed him down the beach to plot about getting rid of Peter making me wonder, can he actually pull this off?

At tribal Michelle was quick to gloat about her immunity and car combo before JLP started to rub salt in Locky’s wounds. Pete quickly went in for Locky before Michelle started to defend him, before he and Locky started to bicker with Locky providing some much needed sass. Tara joined the fray to challenge the use of the term goat, explaining that sheep makes far more sense. After that brief interlude, Pete and Locky continued their fighting with Pete fighting hard, although not brave enough to say that Locky will vote for me anyway, so pile your votes on Locky and if he does have an idol, I’m out.

Tragically, albeit by no means surprisingly, Locky didn’t play his non-existent idol and found himself voted out of the game – despite Winchelle flipping – in fifth place. As heartbroken as I was to see my dreamboat go, I’m truly shocked that he managed to make it as far as he did so tried to keep myself grateful as we caught up in the jury villa.

Now I know you’d assume that I don’t actually know Locky, given how lecherously I speak about him each episode, but we’ve actually been the dearest of friends for years after he taught me to swim on an adventure trip, which I paid forward with Steph Rice via time travel. (Fun fact, me constantly suggesting nudie runs are why Locky was so comfortable getting nude in episode 2). How did I repay his kindness though? By whipping up a big bowl of my Gnocchi Gilbert, obviously.

 

 

I don’t know about you, but whenever I think about Locky, I think of white, pillowy mounds you just can’t wait to bury your face in. Add some spicy, salted meat and you’re living my dreams. I’m going, away, for a minute … enjoy!

 

 

Gnocchi Gilbert
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1.5 kg floury potatoes, peeled and chopped into a generous dice (larger pieces, less water absorbed)
large pinch freshly grated nutmeg
2 eggs, beaten
⅓ cup grated parmesan, plus extra to garnish despite how ugly it looks when not shaved
350g plain flour, plus extra to dust
salt and pepper, to taste
olive oil
1 onion, diced
3 cloves of garlic, crushed
200g speck, diced
1 tsp chilli flakes
800g diced tomatoes
2 cups baby spinach

Method
With that, place the potatoes in a pan of cold water – this is important – bring to the boil and cook until just tender. Drain the potatoes, return to the pan and cook over low heat, stirring, for a minute or two to ensure they are dry husks aka without moisture.

Allow to cool. Say it with me and remind me if you ever hear me mention gnocchi, allow to cool completely.

Pass through a ricer or mash aggressively until smooth and your rage sorted. Add a pinch of nutmeg, eggs, a pinch of salt and flour and gently bring together with your hands. Emphasis on gentle, the dough is like shortcrust pastry – you want to work it only as much as you need to.

Once it has come together, dust the bench and your hands with flour and take about a quarter of the dough, roll into a 1.5cm thick log. Slice into 2cm lengths, use the back of a fork to roll the gnocchi to give you the imprint – press the fork down into the length and pull towards you – and place on a floured baking sheet to rest. Repeat the process until all done and allow to rest for an hour or so.

Bring a large pot of salted water to the boil.

Heat a lug of olive oil in a pot over medium heat and cook the onion and garlic for a couple of minutes, or until softened. Add the speck and cook for a few minutes, or until crisp and fragrant. Add the chilli flakes and tomatoes, and reduce heat to low and simmer for five minutes.

Cook the gnocchi in batches until they rise to the surface, remove with a slotted spoon to a colander and repeat until they’re done.

The sauce should be ready to go, so add the spinach and cook for a minutes or so, or until wilted. Remove from the heat, toss – don’t you love tossing for Locky – through the gnocchi, cover in parmesan and devour, greedily.

Three cheers for Locky and his nudity!

 

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Zinggy Burger

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Burgers, Main, Party Food, Poultry, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, Tara finally realised that my dear Locky needs to go if she has any shot at the end. She then discovered some lollies to sweeten the deal with Ziggy to flip, joining literally everyone else to get rid of Locky. Sadly for them – and great for my hope he’ll give us buns again – he then won immunity, causing everyone to scramble leading to (self-proclaimed) King Luke to exit the game and give someone else some screentime.

Jericho was devastated when he returned to camp, though harking back to his first confessional vowed to bring chaos to the tribe. He then went in for Tara, telling Locky all of her plans to turn on him to get further. Locky felt it sounded true – because it is – so pulled Tara aside to clear the air. While she seemed to get herself out of the mess, Locky still seemed paranoid.

The next day Ziggy replaced Luke as the manic person that oft appears to be a junkie, as she reminded us that she and Tara are the lolly bandits. She then spoke about getting a hit and the fact it is constantly on her mind which makes me extremely concerned for her welfare. Are we getting a sugar crash medevac tonight?

Tara continued to try and do damage control at camp, while a sadly clothed Locky told us he was still feeling anxious about what Jericho said, despite believing Tara. He then told us all how he was dominating the game, and I didn’t love the look on him. To put his mind at ease, Locky and Ziggy caught up in the jungle, with Ziggy convinced that Tara wasn’t flipping on them … because, sugar rush? YAAAAAAAHHHHH.

Oh wait, sorry, sugar-junky Ziggy made me forget she was completely onboard with getting rid of Locky.

Given the fact Locky was still feeling uneasy, he tried to forge a connection with Jericho to break the alleged 3-3 split. For the second time this episode, Jericho appeared to be smarter than I gave him credit for, barely humouring Locky and throwing some epic shade in his confessionals. I mean, I don’t want to like him, but the sass is glorious.

Sensing defeat, Locky moved on to Michelle who proved that she is truly the biggest threat left in the game, because if she makes it to the end, she would Kristie the shit out of the questions. His attempt to woo her quickly became a fight, gaining the attention of Jericho and Pete with the latter deciding he needs to reconnect with Tara and pull her in to get rid of Locky or Ziggy. But let’s be honest, Locky is winning immunity again, right? Otherwise we are Alecia Holden-ing our way straight from immunity, to tribal council.

Putting me out of my misery JoJo returned for said immunity challenge which required everyone to keep their balls in the air … by keeping a single ball spinning within a circular track. As quickly as it started Michelle was out, followed by Tara as the rain arrived to give us some JLP wet T-shirt action. I mean, if he keeps this up, Locky is expendable. Oh Ziggy then dropped out, followed by Jericho leaving the hopes of the tribe weighing on Pete’s shoulders. Sadly for him, the weight became too much and Locky once again took out immunity and crushed the hopes and dreams of the tribe.

Side note: how good did JLP’s nips look while handing the necklace back to Locky?

Back at camp everyone was pissed, with Tara particularly concerned about his immunity run continuing and the fact she needs to fashion a plan B. Meanwhile Pete already had his plan B lined up, deciding that Ziggy needs to go as she is the second biggest threat left in the game. Tara was not sold on this, rationalising that Ziggy is the best person to end Locky’s immunity run. Tara took the Ziggy plan back to Ziggy and Locky to see what they should do, with Locky wanting to target Michelle and bully someone into flipping with them for fear of going to rocks.

Locky tried to work his magic on Jericho and Pete to spook them into flipping rather than playing rocks, with both of the boys hilariously preferring to go to rocks and put their game to chance rather than voting with Locky. Pete then pulled Tara aside to run through the competing plans, trying to sway Tara to their side to avoid rocks.

They arrived at tribal council where the tribe struggled to pretend to be happy about Locky’s hat trick. Jericho threw some light shade, Pete admitted he wanted Locky to lose so they could vote him out, Tara gave a better acting performance pretending she doesn’t want Locky out, Ziggy said she wished she had immunity before Michelle brought some excitement to the festivities. Channelling Ciera ‘she voted out her MOM’ Eastin, she then announced that the vote is currently deadlocked and that they will be voting for Ziggy. Pete then joined the fray, promising Tara that they will stick with her if she flips to their side to get rid of Ziggy. Locky and Ziggy tried their best to talk Tara back but Michelle and Pete went in hard, tag-teaming her – not in a good way – until she had a throbbing headache as she joined them in sending Ziggy to the jury … with an extra large side of shade.

I don’t want to say Steph Rice is a jinx, but it is hard to ignore the fact that she kicked off a hat trick of my catch-ups with my favourite female aquatic Olympians. It really should come as no shock that I worked for the AIS coaching the Australian water polo teams how to be extremely aggressive and rip off their rivals’ swimmers. While I far preferred working with the men’s team – for obvious reasons – I quickly bonded with Zigs and we became the fastest of friends.

While Zigs was disappointed when she arrived at the jury villa, she was thrilled to see me – one of her favourite people – waiting to give her a hug and huge platter of my Zinggy Burger.

 

 

Tragically this recipe arrived two episodes late to coincide with the popcorn chicken alliance as it is my blatant rip-off of KFC’s Zinger Burger, which totally ruin my plans to sell myself as a psychic. As I oft say when making Burgers or Pizza, there is nothing better than a homemade version – succulent chicken, a big kick of heat and a crunch that could burst an eardrum, these babies are perfection.

Enjoy!

 

 

Zinggy Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp chilli powder
1 tsp mustard powder
salt and pepper, to taste
2 large chicken breasts, sliced in half
2 tbsp flour
2 tbsp cornstarch
2 tbsp rice flour
¼ tsp baking powder
1 egg
1 tbsp milk
1 cup corn flakes, crushed
1 cup panko bread crumbs
½ cup vegetable oil
4 Kirsten Bunst
4 slices high-melt cheese
¼ cup mayonnaise
1 cup iceberg lettuce, sliced
Kent Nelsonion Rings, to serve

Method
Combine the Worcestershire, chilli and mustard powders and a good whack of salt and pepper in a bowl. Toss through the chicken, cover and place in the fridge to marinate for a couple of hours.

When the chicken in almost done, combine the flour, cornstarch, rice flour, baking powder, egg and milk in a bowl. Combine the corn flakes, bread crumbs and teaspoon of salt in a second bowl.

Remove the chicken from the fridge, dip in the batter, followed by the coating and place on a plate. Cover and return to the fridge to chill for a hour.

Once that is done, heat the vegetable oil in a frying pan over medium heat. Once sizzling, add the chicken fillets and fry for about five minutes each side, flipping once, or until golden and crisp.

Split the buns, smear the mayo on the bottom, top with lettuce, followed by the fillets and topped with some cheese and a little extra mayo. Close the burger and devour, like an Olympic champion.

 

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Katrina Radaiquiri

Drink, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Sur … hang on, this isn’t Aus-Probst Probst, this is Probst Probst! Yep, Survivor is back after a game changing season – in title, not so much in game play – where Sarah deserved to win, because Cirie was the only person immune at a tribal council. At least Sandra got to prove her naysayers wrong by playing her most dominant game, despite landing as a pre-juror.

Anywho, we’re back in Fiji and Probst is just fanging to make some ball and shaft puns while a new batch of castaways struggle it out for glory and a million dollars. But seriously, how beautiful is Fiji?

After removing himself from the peak of a mountain, Probst joined the castaways on a boat in the middle of the ocean where he quickly shoehorned the cast into their tribes. We first met my namesake Ben and the hero tribe, who was a marine and I couldn’t really understand much else. We then met Chrissy who obviously became my instant favourite.

Next up were Cole and the healers tribe. I’m not sure what Cole does, beyond something with disadvantaged youth. He is hella pretty. He is joined by Mike the sex doctor who is neurotic as hell and I love it, unless he goes the David Samson route. Finally we met Ali and the hustlers tribe, which I just learnt wasn’t made up of prostitutes.

Probst then issued the first challenge, that being to pilfer as many supplies from the ship as possible before racing to the shore to light a torch from a suspended fire, or something. As usual, the marooning was utter chaos as the tribes ran around to gather supplies while a hustlin’ Ryan discovered a secret advantage, unbeknownst to everyone else. Probsty boarded a speedboat while the tribes rowed to shore, well two of them, the hustlers were busy trying to film a remake of the Blue Lagoon scene when they’re floating around the ocean. The healers won out and got a pre-made roaring fire waiting for them at their camp, while the heroes got some flint and the hustlers sadly couldn’t finance the remake.

We followed the healers back to their camp where we were introduced to Roark who is my other favourite, low-rent Tony aka Joe and Jessica who is as obsessed with Cole as I am. I mean, dem undies – swoon! At the heroes camp we were introduced to Ashley who is planning to shed her heroic persona, and JP’s pants if she gets her way. They are keen to align with marine Ben however immediately made ex-NFL player Alan paranoid by their closeness. As he was keen to pretend he was in with them, that left the older ladies Queen Chrissy and her fellow ‘mumsquad-er’ Olympian Katrina, on the outs.

Meanwhile over at the hustlers, fisherman Lauren quickly became my favourite on their tribe. Actually, no Patrick is – I can’t go past a ripped redhead – who quickly started to speculate about who found the clue he assumed was on the boat. This then shocked Ryan, who has never experienced anyone trying to get in his pants, where the note was currently hidden. He then wandered into the jungle to find out that his advantage is a super idol – aka one that can be played after the votes have been read, not the Australian version – to be used at only the first tribal council. If the hustlers’ don’t attend said tribal, he has to bequeath it to a member of the losing tribe.

Back at the healers camp we met Desi before Mike told us that his son had told him his priority should be to find an idol, so made an excuse to go looking. Sadly he wasn’t as stealth as he thought, arousing the suspicions of Joe who immediately confronted him and treated him like one of the criminals he rehabilitates, which in turn, made him an instant enemy of Mike’s.

The hustlers were feeling far more harmonious, where we met Devon who is also bangin’. Ryan then decided that he would be the perfect person to align with and told him about the super idol which is either a great idea, or a horrible one … and I really hope it’s the former.

Meanwhile things were deteriorating at the heroes camp where Alan grew even more paranoid about JP and Ashley’s closeness, quickly decided that JP had also found the idol which is a reach, even for me. Alan was not buying any of his denials and proceeded to confront him by the shore and asked to search him. At this point, I don’t know who I love more as JP took off his pants – CBS, why you have to blur … by more like CBS Aus – or Alan for making him take them off and getting a good look at his junk. In any event, they are spooning in the shelter  in my mind and I am moister than an oyster that Kimmi doesn’t want Monica to over-farm in Cambodia (yes, they were clams but whatevs).

Probst finally returned to screen for the first immunity challenge of the season where the tribes were required to race across a cargo net to the top of a tower and pull a cart to the top. They then jump in said cart, ride it (dirty) to the bottom, select a table maze and then climb a ladder with said table maze to the top and land three balls at the end. The heroes were first to select their maze and for some reason, picked the hardest, followed by the hustlers who had the second hardest, leaving the healers with the easiest … oh, no it isn’t, that is a rail they need to balance it on. Thankfully Roark is a dominant, healing coach and quickly advised them to victory, handing them immunity leaving the hustlers and heroes to battle it out, with the former taking out the win and sending the heroes to tribal council, after Chrissy finished her post-challenge vom.

Back at camp the heroes commenced scrambling where Ashley pointed out that Alan’s strip-search outburst made her question their alliance. On the flipside, Alan was also not feeling the alliance and approached Chrissy and Katrina to form an alliance and save themselves as they all feel vulnerable. Alen tried to bring in Ben, who is already super confused about what is going on. While he is concerned about JP and Ashley’s closeness, he is also concerned about retaining strength. Chrissy then went to grab her bag on the way to tribal where she discovered her vom clearly garnered her some sympathy from Ryan who bequeathed his super idol to her which could make things really interesting.

At tribal council Chrissy and Katrina announced that they felt like they were on the outs in the tribe. Thankfully Ashley brought in some drama, calling out Alan’s stripsearch resulting in the best facial expressions since Eliza Orlins and the hope that mumsquad could live to see another day, with or without the super-idol. Alan continued to paint a target on his back like a male Jennifer Lanzetti, while mumsquad played it cool. Sadly it was all for nought as Katrina was sent from the game as the first boot while Chrissy was in possession of the most legitimate looking fake idol of all time.

As I mentioned earlier, I used to be an Olympic level swimming coach which is where I met and fell in love with my dear, dear friend Katrina aka 1987 Pan Pacific 4 x 200 freestyle champion Trina Radke. While I’m heartbroken by the fact you didn’t get to know how wonderful she is during her short stay, I am grateful that my Katrina Radaiquiri can cure what ails ya. Or me.

 

 

While my years of sneaking into venues on the Gold Coast as part of my misspent youth had me believing it was mandatory for daiquiris to be frozen, our friendship drink of choice taught me otherwise. The warmth of the bacardi – I mean, dang, is it my birthday, cause I’m sipping it like it is – mixed with the hit of citrus is perfect to wash away the pain of being the first boot.

Enjoy!

 

 

Katrina Radaiquiri
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
1 part lime juice
2 tsp raw caster sugar
3 parts bacardi
cubed ice

Method
Place the lime juice and sugar in a cocktail and leave it to dissolve for a minute or so before adding the bacardi and ice and shaking, hard, preferably like a polaroid picture.

Strain into a glass and down, greedily.

 

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Heroes, healing me by hustlin’ my muscle

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers

Good news! Australian Survivor may be but a few weeks away from leaving our screens, but Probst and Co. are back for another round of the glorious mothership.

I mean, sure, this season may have one of the top three worst titles, but it does also boast a cast of super fans, interesting people and a bevy of total babes – boys, please follow Locky’s lead – so my hopes are extremely high.

Side note: could you imagine how much fun Probst would have with some ball puns with some balls out?

Anyway, buckle in and join us tomorrow as we recap the episode and catch-up with the newest member of the Francesquoitch Hogi first boot club!

Image source: Robert Voets/CBS.

 

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