Sweet

Abbearclaw Holmes

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: All Stars, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Dessert, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Mokuta were desperate to not go on a losing streak, thankfully breaking it their current mini-run by snatching victory for an ice cream reward. Sadly however, that was only a brief reprieve as they lost immunity. Heading back to tribal council, Nick tried to rally the troops to take out Henry while Abbey led the athletes to target Shonee. Nervous about losing strength, Lydia pulled Henry aside to advise him to play an idol if he has one, so off he went to make a fake. Unaware that Shonee had found the legit one. Henry tried to grab his fake in front of everyone at tribal, though Nick did not buy it and cautioned everyone that it was a ploy. It did make Shonee nervous enough to play hers, challenging him to do the same if it is real. Thankfully for her, he didn’t bother with his fake and as such, she negated five votes against herself and sent him from the game as the fifth boot.

The next day Zach was busy showing off his strength to the tribe, while Shonee lamented their losing ways. Begging the question, why are they losing if the athletes are as tough as they think they are. But back to Zach and his workout – guess who his biggest fan was? You guessed, team strong herself, Abbey!

Meanwhile over at Vakama the tribe were joyfully playing on the shore, with David still gladly leading the high school clique. Who had taken to squwaking – no joke – while the oldies of Mat, Tarzan, Moana and Jacqui were still feeling left out. Speaking of the minority alliance, Mat was giddily taunting Locky about the idol he had found and potential cracks in the alliance. Playing 4D chess, he even commenced pretending he would be open to working together, but Locky is so loyal, the poor thing couldn’t even entertain it.

Back at Mokuta our queen and savior Shonee was heartbroken to be stuck with a bunch of people that don’t want to be around them. She was particularly annoyed about the lame athlete alliance – preach – so got to work hustling, in the hopes of taking control and getting rid of the head of the athletes in Abbey. After quickly celebrating their win at the previous tribal, Shonee and Nick got to work wooing Sharn and Zach to their side. Shonee took Sharn to the scene of her triumphant idol find, with the icon reminding Sharn that once she is gone, Sharn is the next weakest and as such she needs to make a move ASAP. Sharn agreed and was keen to make a move, but only if Zach was willing to join them. Speaking of Zach, he was feeling on the outs and caught up with Harry about how they could take control. We then learnt from the form misogynist that he was reformed and keen to play a different, more social AF game. As such, he decided to join the little rascals and Sharn to overthrow the athletes.

My love Jonathan arrived for the reward challenge where each tribe was required to stack a series of blocks along a beam over a trip hazard – while tethered in pairs – to knock over a sign. With the victors scoring a huge Italian feast. Vakama appeared to have a slight lead, however when Jacqui and Moana looked to measure out the spacing, it annoyed Locky for slowing them down. As such Mokuta took the slightest of slight leads, until they knocked over a single block. Which was enough for Vakama to take back the lead. Which only extended when Mokuta knocked over four more. Vakama continued to pull ahead, until they realised they didn’t have enough to make it to the end. While both tribes fiddled with the spacing, mother nature opted to troll them both and the wind blew over multiple blocks from each tribe, leading to a flurry of rebuilding. Back and forth both tribs tried to knock them over before Vakama finally put us out of our misery and scored the reward.

Vakama sprinted to reward where they discovered not only did they score a huge Italian feast, but they also got a tonne of wine and a photo wall featuring everyone with their mums. AK kicked off the tears talking to his mum and damn, it was so sweet and god, do I like AK? Jacqui’s parents had their own tennis court which is super impressive, Tarzan surprised everyone with his sexy short hair and lack of beard, Mat fondly remembered his sweet, sweet mum, Moana was feeling guilty about being away from her mum, unable to help and give her joy and damn, I am crying. Nobody else had overly emotional stories and I don’t want to make jokes because it is so pure. Though Flick worked at Wendy’s and now I want a shake?

My love Jonathan returned for an immunity challenge where each tribe had to swim out to a pontoon in pairs, climb a ladder, jump into the water, run across a net and then release four balls, which the last tribe member would try to toss them in their sack.Mokuta got out to an early lead, in no small part thanks to our Queen Shonee, while Tarzan and Phoebe struggled big time for Vakama. Sharn and Nick started to extend their lead, until we were reminded that Nick is not the best swimmer – shouldn’t have booted Shane – before he and Sharn struggled to release their ball. With that Flick and Mat close the gap and then gave Vakama a huge lead. While David and Jacqui started to struggle, allowing Abbey and John to catch up, my nude king just couldn’t catch his breath leading to Vakama pulling away once again. Locky and Brooke made quick work of the final ball, giving AK a huge advantage, scoring all four baskets before Mokuta even scored their last ball.

Back at camp John was feeling terrible about letting the tribe down, with the athletes conveniently accepting his apology and ignoring the fact Shonee was a star performer. Abbey of course planned to stick with all the strong athletes, and as such, she decided that Shonee – star performer – was the one that needed to go. She pulled Sharn and John aside, with the trio agreeing to stick together and get rid of Shonee with the help of Lee and Lydia. But little did Abbey know, Sharn had zero interest in playing along or getting rid of Shonee and as such, wanted to get rid of Abbey and take away the athlete’s leader. Abbey approached Lee and Zach, with Lee all in however the latter had learnt his lesson from his first season and wanted to stop focusing on strength and as such, save Shonee. And all of a sudden, I find Zach very attractive.

Zach, Harry and Sharn caught up in the jungle, with Zach pointing out that John didn’t do a good job at any of the challenges this season and as such, why don’t they get rid of him instead. And completely shake the core of the majority. With the trio locked in to take out John, Zach pulled Shonee and Nick aside to get them on board. Sadly for all of them, Nick couldn’t see sense in snatching the majority and so instead, approached John to turn the entire tribe on Zach. And tying things up 4-4, rather than giving him and his allies a 5-3 advantage. Nick approached Lee about joining the plan to get rid of John and kind of rationalised his plan, explaining that since John has no solid relationships and therefore there will be no hurt feelings should a tribe swap appear on the horizon.

At tribal council Nick spoke about Henry playing fast and loose, while Harry added that with Henry gone, Shonee is the most in danger given she received votes at last tribal council. Shonee tried to see the glass half-full, encouraging everyone to stick together and reminded everyone that there are 9 people left in the tribe and since only four people that voted for her remain, her five could have the majority. While this was unfolding, Nick started to whisper to the rival alliance that Zach is targeting John and as such, they should join him in voting out Zach instead. Meanwhile John spoke about being nervous because he completely bombed the challenge while Zach alluded to switching up his game and focusing on the long term, rather than solely strength. Lydia spoke about wanting to work with people she can trust and think the same way she does – *coughs* athletes *coughs*. Shonee believed that all but one person is on the same page, before Zach and John nervously countered that there are at least two more that should be in danger.

Out of nowhere Jonathan interrupted proceedings to announce that instead of voting to boot someone from the game, this tribal council, the top two vote getters would be sent to exile beach where they will await their fate. This made Harry nervous to make a move, given someone could potentially come back from the game, while Abbey and Nick were both more than happy to stick with the plan. The reforming Zach admitted that he was feeling nervous, reminded of Tegan’s near boot in his season. With that the tribe voted and tragically the athletes banded together to send Shonee to exile, while the little rascals piled the votes on Zach and poor Zach was completely out of the loop and voted for John. Who safely stayed with his tribe as the other two departed for exile.

Zach and Shonee arrived at exile, with Shonee searching her brain to figure out the Fijian word for revenge so that they can name their teeny, tiny tribe. The two marvelled at how ugly their beach was, though Shonee did use the time to assure us that she can and will get revenge on all the athletes, plus Sharn for shits and giggles. The next morning however, she was back to being her zen self, loving being away from the buff people and leading Zach through her island beauty routine. And do I now ship them?

Meanwhile back at Mokuta, Lydia, Lee, John and Abbey were loving themselves and their muscles sick. Which was making Nick sick, given he desperately missed his closest ally Shonee. And he had nobody to blame but himself. Abbey pretended that she was glad Shonee wasn’t alone, before humble-bragging about her perfect voting record (this season) and the fact she has a solid alliance and is controlling her tribe. John then tried humour clothed and TBH, I don’t like it. We checked in with Vakama where talk way centred around soy milk and honestly, I am as bored by the discussion as Mat and his minions. Speaking of that crew, Mat was content with his allies and was glad to be sitting ok with people he trusts and David looking out for him.

And you know what all this talk means!

Jonathan met the tribes by the beach where Vakama learnt two people were voted out the night before and had been sent to exile. Jonathan then announced that like Zach and Shonee, everyone’s games are changing as the tribes are switching up. To a chorus of groans the tribes dropped their buffs before selecting new ones, with Harry, Mat, Flick, AK, Brooke, Locky, Abbey, Lydia and John forming new Vakama and David, Tarzan, Moana, Jacqui, Phoebe, Nick, Lee and Sharn making up Mokuta 2.0. The iconic duo were forced to put a stop to their beauty routine and were wheeled out to discover the switched up tribes. They then learnt that they weren’t in fact exiting the game and instead would each be joining the new tribes, with Shonee joining her nemeses on Vakama and Zach landed on Mokuta.

With the tribes locked, Jonathan announced that they would now be facing off for reward, which was essentially a tug of war challenge, with each tribe pulling in opposite directions until the can get to their end and grab a flag. With the first tribe to three scoring an advantage in the game … which is hidden in a Pandora’s Box, which they can open back at camp. And a grazing plate, which is iconic, like Queen Shonee. First up were Sharn, Phoebe and Moana against Flick, Abbey and Lydia. Despite Abbey and Lydia being straight up beasts, they were no match for new Mokuta, with Moana clawing her way to victory for her tribe. Lucky Abbey and Lydia are strong, right? Lol. Immediately they started to blame Flick, which is honestly just fucked.

The next round featured Jacqui, Moana, Nick and David facing off against Locky, Mat, Shonee and Flick. Instantly Abbey started coaching Shonee through the challenge which would be sweet if she didn’t just vote her out for being weak. At the end of the day, it became a battle of the anchors, with David and Locky fighting tooth and nail until David grabbed the flag and another point for Mokuta. Abbey and Lydia then went up for redemption against Phoebe and Moana, and tragically got it, scoring a point despite some aggressive play of Phoebe, queen. The fourth round featured Locky, AK and Harry facing off against David, Zach and Lee, with the latter trio of beasts making easy work of the point, grabbing the flag and snatching reward for their new tribe.

We followed new Vakama back to camp where Abbey was smarting to have lost the reward challenge, though was embracing the new tribe and trying to find a place for herself and stay safe in the 5-5 split of the old tribe. She and Lydia went for a walk, confident that they won’t be the obvious targets, despite being beasts aka an easy target for the rival OG tribe. Shonee meanwhile immediately went swimming with Flick and Brooke, quickly pledging her allegiance to them and vowing to get rid of the jerks who tried to vote her off. Meanwhile David felt like he hit the jackpot at the Mokuta tribe, a luxury beach and the majority numbers in the tribe. Not to mention the bountiful tasting plate. Given most of his allies ended up on the other tribe, David realised that Zach would be the key to safety, given he likely wants revenge. Before they could talk weights, the tribe opened up a clue which advised everyone to go hunting for one of two keys which could open up the box and release the advantage for one person.

With that, they were off and racing! The tribe searched high and low around the island, until Nick stumbled upon the key amongst a dead log. Quickly he pulled Phoebe aside to let her know that he found it to try and solidify an alliance with his season mate. She assured him that she would keep look out while he slyly headed in to camp to open the box and snatch the advantage. Which he did, just as Jacqui found the other key. With the clock running out, Nick grabbed the advantage and disappeared as Jacqui stumbled into camp to learn that she had been pipped. Everyone returned to camp, with Nick desperately trying to hide the fact he open the box before disappearing to learn that he had found an extra vote. Which never really ends well in OG flavour Survivor.

Jonathan returned for the latest immunity challenge where the tribes each had to pull a cart through the sand, collecting huge puzzle pieces while two people from the other tribe actively work to slow the others down. Once they make it to the end, they would then solve the puzzle for victory. With that John and Mat go ready to slow down their rivals, while Moana and Jacqui were selected from the rival tribe. Vakama got out to an early lead as Jacqui and Moana desperately tried to slow them down and Mokuta struggled against Mat and John. Vakama got to the end with a large advantage, though sadly for them, they didn’t have Nick, who got the tribe to coordinate the colours as they got them off, so the puzzle would be easy. He confidently coached his tribe through the puzzle, quickly putting it together while Vakama looked at their pieces in confusion. Piece by piece Mokuta continued to close the gap, then pipped Vakama and finally, scored a massive come from behind victory. And a hero moment for Nick. Swoon.

Back at camp Abbey was angry to continue her losing streak, so immediately set her sights on Shonee, who played no part in the tribe losing the challenge. With that, she and Lydia complained about Shonee in the water before approaching AK, Locky, Brooke and Flick to join with them to get rid of Shonee and keep the tribe strong. While the logic is solid, given it keeps threats around to take the heat of her, eventually she is the weakest in the tribe, and at what point do they stop voting out the weak. Abbey and Lydia were confident that they had locked in the vote for Shonee as the tribe reconvened by the fire, and they then saw Shonee working her magic in front of their very eyes. Shonee charmed her way through the OG Vakama tribe members, while pointing out that Abbey was the leader of Mokuta and as such, they need to weaken Mokuta by getting rid of her instead. Locky, Brooke and Flick genuinely seemed locked to join Shonee, so Shonee approached Harry to get him up to speed – perfectly downplaying their alliance – while Harry then worked on AK.

Oh and then Shonee pulled in Mat, assuring him that they will control this tribe and then come merge, get revenge on Sharn.

Abbey and Lydia were none the wiser, happily sitting around the fire while Shonee and Locky confirmed their alliance. Before Shonee gave herself a quick sand facial to celebrate. She then went deep into the jungle with Flick and Brooke, with the girls assuring her that they are with her 100%. However Brooke grew anxious about getting rid of muscle mass as they headed off for tribal.

At tribal council AK spoke about how well everyone was getting along at camp, given all the grumps had been moved to the rival tribe. Lydia agreed that everyone was getting along, while Mat was a little more realistic, admitting to being nervous to find himself on a tribe with Lydia who he blindsided with Queen Shane. This time Lydia seemed to be more open to moving forward, conveniently when she has to let go of her grudge for her own safety. RIP Shane. Abbey pretended that she was thrilled to see Shonee stay in the game, as she is such a great girl. Thankfully this led to peak Shonee, where she spoke about Abbey needing to wait and see whether she would let bygones be bygones. And then spoke about loving her new tribe with lots of new friends.

Mat reiterated that Shonee was just voted out by people that are sitting on the tribe, so revenge is the obvious course of action. Harry diverted things to the future, talking about how pivotal this moment is to all of their games, as it sets the direction heading into the merge. Locky spoke about the importance of keeping the tribe strong, though was glorious coy about what strong means to him. Lydia then complained about being at her fourth tribal council in a row and as such, she is sick of it and wants to win. This bored the hell out of Shonee, who was fed up with hearing about the importance of strength. Out of nowhere Locky and Brooke whispered about being nervous before Lydia tried one last ditch effort to keep strength. With that the tribe voted and Locky did keep the tribe strong by joining with Shonee, Harry and Mat to blindside Abbey and send her from the game as the sixth boot.

As much as I loved Abbey in her first season, she crossed Shonee and as such, I was thrilled to see her go. Which I told her as soon as she walked into Loser Lodge. While she tried to explain that Shonee’s social prowess and likeability reminded her of Pia – meaning she was her biggest threat out there – I was having none of it. And as such, I told her that I’m not mad – despite totally being mad – just disappointed, then handed her a tray of warm, sweet Abbearclaw Holmes.

 

 

Given how much I loved the Queen that saved us from the horrors of an athlete alliance just last season – bye Steven, Nova, Susie and E.T.! – I wanted to make something special for her second, victorious go around. And there is no pastry/cookie better than a bear claw – crunchy, melt in your mouth and baking an aggressive almond crunch. These are victorious … and I guess Abs deserves them, despite crossing Shon.

Enjoy!

 

 

Abbearclaw Holmes
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
1 batch David Croissant dough
2 egg whites
1 ½ cup marzipan, cubed
1 ½ cup icing sugar
blanched almonds, to taste slash greed
milk, for brushin’
½ cup demerara sugar

Method
Make the croissant dough as per the instructions, all the way up to the part where you’re rolling, cutting and shaping.

To make the filling, combine the egg white and marzipan in the bowl of a stand mixer and beat until cohesive and light. Reduce to low and slowly add the icing sugar, and once all combined, crank to medium and beat for a couple of minutes, or until light and fluffy.

To assemble, cut the dough into quarters and roll each portion into a 30cm square. Cut each into three equal strips and spread a couple of teaspoons of filling down the centre of each strip. Fold them in half to former filled, long strips and press the edges to close. Cut each strip into three, sealing each join and shape into a slight half moon as you transfer to a lined baking sheet.

Once the dough and filing is all gone, cut each strip four times, going half-way through the dough and split them slightly. Cover and leave to prove for an hour or so.

When they are puffy and beautiful – not like mine – press an almond into each gap on the claws. Brush with milk, sprinkle with the demerara and transfer to the oven to bake for 20 minutes, or until golden, puffed and crispy.

Leave to cool slightly before devouring, wishing you had more social game.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Chocolate and Peanatalie Andersecake

Baking, Cake, Survivor, Survivor: San Juan del Sur - Blood vs. Water, Survivor: Winners at War, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Let’s not even play the cutesie game of acknowledging the previous two seasons of Survivor, because honestly, they ended up with a controversial victor and some real world ugliness dominating the end game. And this is the ultimate battle – Winners at War – and even the inclusion of Edge of Extinction can’t take away from the epic grandeur that is about to unfold before our very eyes. Speaking of unfolded, to begin the season we opened up with the original marooning, followed in quick succession by the current batch of contestants and their victorious maroonings and honestly, if the site of Ethan in Africa spliced with the zaddy riding the Fijian waves in a speed boat doesn’t flood your basement and make you want to cry because you’re so overwhelmed, you’re a terrible person.

I mean, it is fucking Ethan! Fun fact: he is the first person that made me feel ok to embrace my curls. Even funner fact: I now realise that that was me thinking he was hot and wanting to look like him.

But anyway, the ten men sped through the Fijian waters with Tony acknowledging his huge target, though looking around at his fellow victors, he himself was overwhelmed by the magnitude of the season, and his fellow competitors. Meanwhile in another part of the ocean, ten female winners were cruising on their own boat, with Parvati talking about being out of the loop for ten years while building her family, though she was ready to come back and destroy her competition. And honestly, I already have goosebumps. Ethan shared that he is just happy that he lived long enough to play Survivor again after beating cancer. Amber was thrilled to be back and hoped to win again, and more importantly looked forward to beating her husband again.

The men were the first to arrive on the tiny island in the middle of a reef where Probst was waiting to greet them. The women soon followed, with Sandra shocked to see Rob was also there playing against his wife, given she just spent 36 days on the Island of the Idols with her and never once thought to mention that he was playing again. As a newer winner, Wendell was overwhelmed to be facing off against legends, 13 years on Yul knows that the game has changed and Probst acknowledged how much the world has changed since Amber first played 20 years ago and hot damn, I am old. And hot damn, this is amazing.

Probst unveiled a bottle of champagne to toast everyone and 20 years of Survivor before shocking Natalie by splitting everyone into tribes and assuring them that the season is not men versus women. She started on the Sele tribe with Rob, Ethan, Parvati, Ben, Michele, Danni, Denise, her bestie Jeremy and Adam, while Tony, Wendell, Amber, Kim, Sophie, Nick, Sarah, Yul, Sandra and Tyson formed Dakal. Probst announced that this season would feature a currency called Fire Tokens. Each person would start with one and would need to will it to someone else when they are voted out to the Edge of Extinction. Vom. Adding to the excitement, he then said that this season would be a little bit different, in that the victor wouldn’t win $1 million, bu $2 million, to the joy of literally everyone.

Oh and then he surprised everyone by announcing that they would be kicking the season off with a challenge in the water, which isn’t a great idea after booze, but whatever. In pairs, they would race out to collect a ring and then drag the ring towards a coloured pole for their tribe. First to be touching the ring and their pole – my dream night, really – would score a point, with first to securing a flint, rice … AND immunity. Filling Denise with dread, given she has never missed a tribal council in her Survivor career.

First up were Tyson and Yul for Dakal facing off against Jeremy and Ethan for Dakal. Tyson quickly snatched the ring and headed to his pole while Jeremy and Ethan desperately tried to drag him away. Yul joined the fray however and quickly dragged them to their pole, scoring the first point for Dakal. The second round featured Natalie and Parvati versus Kim and Sarah, with Kim pulling hair and Natalie beasting her way against the current as Parvati desperately reach for the pole. Until Kim and Sarah overpowered them and scored the second point for Dakal. Rob and Ben faced off against Wendell and Tony, with the former duo proving too strong and scoring the first point for Sele. The next round featured Denise and Natalie facing off against Amber and Sarah, with Natalie and Amber clawing over the ring, while Sarah and Denise tousled in the water. Eventually the women came together and Mrs Mariano proved that managing four kids builds strength, dragging Natalie and Denise with Sarah to score the third point for Dakal and immunity.

Meaning Queen Sandra escapes being the first boot. Yas yas yas.

After being told that tribal council won’t be until day two, a dejected Sele headed off while a much more relieved Dakal arrived at their island. The tribe hugged and introduced themselves before Nick found a Fire Token menu, explaining what they can buy and how the currency works. And Nick was confident that mastering the currency will prove key to victory in the season. And given he is from a new season, he is used to it to his advantage. Please don’t tell me that is a winner’s quote.

The tribe quickly got to work building their shelter, with Wendell hoping to take a step back so that he isn’t stuck building again like his first season, rather than building relationships and hunting for idols. Meanwhile Sarah and Amber were catching up by the well, with Sarah expressing how shocked she was to see the All Stars’ victor given she and Rob have four kids sitting at home. Talk quickly turned to their kids and the women shared that they each made calendars for their kids to cross off every day until they are home. Tyson stumbled upon the scene and shared that he made a daisy chain for them to rip off a ring each day and hot damn, that is the sweetest. He then spoke about how much winning Survivor meant to him, because now he is able to spend more time with his kids and as such, coming out again is a huge deal. Back at camp Wendell called Sandra the queen, filling her with nerves as she knows that title puts the biggest target on her back. She spoke about her history with Tony and Sarah and how they all voted each other out, but my gut tells me this is all for show and they plan to stick together.

We checked in with Sele where they got to work building a shelter, while getting to know each other and slowly trying to figure out who to vote out the next day. Parvati and Jeremy bonded over their babies at home, with Parvati acknowledging how differently she will play the game as a married parent. Parvati continued to use kids to bond, chatting with Rob about his kids before Rob joined Ethan to check he was doing ok. Ethan shared how scary life after cancer can be, and as such, he is hoping returning to the game will take him back to the younger guy that was carefree and won the game. Denise and Adam went wandering to find the well and continued Denise’s terrible luck in Survivor, by getting lost. While they used the time to align, the rest of the tribe noticed that they had been gone for a ridiculously long time and as such, painted a target squarely on their backs.

We returned to Dakal where Tony was chatting to Yul, Nick and Wendell about playing a calmer game than before, knowing that it will only put a target on his back and see him get booted early again, like Game Changers. Speaking of big targets, Amber was feeling nervous about the pace of the game. While everyone was chatting and building the shelter, she wasn’t sure whether she should be out hunting for idols to save herself from the looming fear of she and her husband teaming up. On another part of the island Yul was casually asking Sophie to align and after assuring her that he didn’t view it casually, Yul spoke about the importance of the lesser connected people joining together to counter the larger poker alliance of Kim, Rob, Jeremy and Tyson, with Natalie and Amber roped in by association. Sophie and her nerd shield noticed themselves in the middle with Wendell and Nick, with Tyson, Kim and Amber closely aligned and the gritty Game Changers of Sarah, Tony and Sandra clearly aligned.

Speaking of alliances, over at Sele Rob approached Parvati about working together this season, rather than targeting each other like in Heroes vs. Villains. Knowing that they have the biggest targets on the island, and given Rob has few options, Parvati was all in and they quickly found people to join their old school crew. Speaking off old school, Danni and Ethan were chatting to Adam and Ben about everyone’s out of game connections, with Danni pointing out that Rob is clearly the most connected and as such, needs to go. Sadly for her, Ben went for a walk with Jeremy and Rob and told the latter that his name had been thrown out. In a matter of seconds Rob got the fact Danni was the one throwing his name out from Ben and as such approached Danni to hear it from her. Somehow the iconic Danni used it to her advantage, telling him the truth leading to Rob, Parvati, Danni and Ethan joining together to take on the newbies.

The next day Adam awoke terrified about tribal council as the rest of the tribe woke up and started to scramble. Danni and Denise caught up, Jeremy and Michele were plotting, Ben and Ethan chatted while the latter’s head spun about the speed of the game. Natalie and Jeremy, whom she avenged in San Juan del Sur, caught up by the shore, with Natalie suggesting that Adam should be voted out given he and Denise disappeared on day one. They took the idea to Ben, Ethan and Rob who all seemed open to the idea. Once again Ben took the information straight back to the person that was being targeted, filling Adam with even more nerves. Adam then suggested that Natalie and Jeremy were the most dangerous pair on the tribe and they should maybe focus on Rob and Amber too. Adam then got to work rallying the troops to split up Jeremy and Natalie, roping in Denise, Ethan and the old schoolers, with Rob and Parvati agreeing that it makes sense to split up the pairs ASAP.

Parvati joined Jeremy, Natalie, Danni and Ben to try and get someone to lock in a name, with everyone too scared to be the one to throw out a name. While Danni suggested Adam, everyone was too nervous to lock something in which made Parvati nervous that she is missing something and it is her. She then joined Rob by the shore and icons were in hysterics about the fact that they are sitting pretty and nobody seems to be targeting two of the biggest icons of the game. And the fact the rest of the tribe are heading out for tribal without any plans.

At tribal council Ethan spoke about how differently the pace of the game is from All Stars, which in itself was a step up from Africa. Rob agreed that the game is so different from Marquesas. Talk soon turned to the fact that Denise and Adam disappeared on day one, with Denise reiterating that they got lost before acknowledging that that doesn’t matter because perceptions are everything. Adam then jumped in to remind everyone that being nervous about people that met the day before is absurd given there is a married couple in the game and people that have been friends for decades. Probst asked Natalie whether she was nervous to follow in Nadiya’s footsteps and become the first boot, with her talking about using any excuse to vote someone out first. Parvati said that nobody should feel comfortable, but for some reason most people do. This made Jeremy nervous, though he was hopeful that tribal would show who he can trust. Ben and Michele meanwhile were just sitting there anxiously, overwhelmed by everything. Ethan admitted to being nervous, while Natalie agreed that being all winners put more pressure on them than ever before.

With that the tribe headed out to vote and it proved that Probst was prophetic as my love Natalie found herself following in Nadiya’s footsteps and becoming the first boot. Before he had even finished counting the votes, Natalie had her hair in the bun and was ready to fight, getting her torch snuffed, bequeathing her Fire Token to Jeremy – obviously – and jumping on a boat to head to the Edge of Extinction.

Sike, you know I stopped her before she jumped on the boat and pulled her into a bear hug. Well ever she stopped hitting me and screaming because I scared the shit out of each other. We collapsed in a heap laughing at how terrified she was before I casually suggested that maybe she and Nadiya just aren’t meant to compete in All Stars seasons. Obviously she objected and told me to stop saying silly things, because she is coming back with a vengeance and is going to slay the merge. Well, as soon as she is done fuelling up on her Chocolate and Peanatalie Andersecake.

 

 

This little Nigella number is quite possibly the best cake of all time, I knew it would be perfect for one of my favourite single-season winner’s arc. Revenge, redemption and bold play, calls for a punch of sticky peanut butter and the velvety smooth chocolate topping. Get thee to a kitchen now and praise the Queen. Well Queens – Natalie and Nigella.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chocolate and Peanatalie Andersecake
Serves: 1 lonely twinnie, sitting on an island waiting for Godot, Telstra and/or company.

Ingredients
200g digestive biscuits
50g salted peanuts
100g dark chocolate chips
50g unsalted butter, at room temperature
500g cream cheese
3 eggs
3 egg yolks
200g raw caster sugar
1 ½ cups sour cream
250g smooth peanut butter
100g milk chocolate chips
30g muscovado brown sugar

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

Chuck the digestives, peanuts, dark chocolate chips and butter in a food processor and blitz until a moist crumb forms and it is clumping together. Transfer to a springform tin and press into the bottom and half-way up the sides. Place the base in the fridge to chill while you get started on the filling.

In a clean food processor – aka, sorry you had to clean mid-bake – place the cream cheese, egg and yolks, caster sugar, half a cup of sour cream and the peanut butter and blitz until it forms a cohesive, creamy, caramelly colour. Pour oven the base, marveling as the beauty as it flows in.

Get a kettle boiling and a baking dish that will fit the cake tin out. Wrap the base and side of the springform with a double layer of clingfilm, followed by a double layer of foil to create a protective, waterproof barrier.

Once the kettle has boiled, place the cake in the baking dish and pour water into the dish so that it comes half-way up the side of the tin. Carefully transfer the waterbath and cake into the oven and bake for 45 minutes, or until the top is set and dry.

Remove from the oven and combine the remaining sour cream, milk chocolate and muscovado sugar in a saucepan over low heat. Cook, whisking, until smooth and combined. Pour over the cake and return to the oven to bake for a further 10 minutes, or until set.

Allow to cool completely before transferring to the fridge to set overnight. Then, devouring immediately.

 

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Blondies

Baking, Dessert, Sweets

I honestly couldn’t think of a better way to see out such a triumphant week. I mean, my ex-turned-friend became an Oscar winner, Shonee slayed and was then saved and the OG version of Survivor debuted its all winners season. That is a lot to take in; overwhelming, exhilarating and inappropriately erotic, so it was wonderful to put icing on the cake in the form of my dear friends Blondie.

I first met Blondie in the ‘70s. They were getting there start at CBGBs – fun fact, both Bs stand for me; Ben and bareback. While they were rocking the stage, I was making my cash in the bathrooms, alleyways and near the dumpster, but it never deterred Debs, Chris and the boys for reaching out and making friends with me.

Was it a friendship based on pity, with them buying me dinner after their set? Sure. But I have zero dignity, and gladly played into their desire to help me. And thankfully it developed into a deep, loving, life long friendship.

We haven’t had the chance to catch-up as one big group lately, so it meant so much to me the Debbie tee-d up all our schedules to facilitate and reunite us as one big happy family.

As soon as they arrived at my door, I pulled them in for a big hug and broke into tears, overwhelmed by how much their love means to me. After crying, we turned things around with a lot of love and light, and a big ol’ batch of our – now weedless – Blondies.

 

 

Sweet and gooey, there is nothing better than anything in the brownie/blondie family. I mean, who doesn’t love eating cake batter? These puppies are as close as you can get without having to fear e-coli. Add in the caramelly goodness of white chocolate and the tart, tang of raspberries and I am well and truly in heaven.

Enjoy!

 

 

Blondies
Serves: 5-7 of the dearest friends, depending on the line-up.

Ingredients
¾ cup unsalted butter
1 ¼ cup muscovado sugar
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 eggs
1 ½ cups plain flour
150g white chocolate, roughly chopped
100g raspberries

Method
Preheat the oven to 160C.

Combine the butter and sugar in a saucepan over low heat and cook, stirring, until just combined. Transfer to a large mixing bowl and whisk in the vanilla. Leave to cool slightly.

Whisk in the eggs and flour until just combined before folding in the white chocolate and raspberry.

Pour the batter into a lined square baking tin and transfer to the oven to back for 30 minutes, or until golden and set around the edge and the centre is just baked. Remove from the oven and leave to cool completely.

As soon as they are cold, slice, serve and devour. Greedily.

 

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Macatedamia Blanc-choc Cookie

Baking, Dessert, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold XCII: Gold Basketball, Sweets

Hollywood’s night of nights is tomorrow and as such, this year’s Oscar Gold celebration – Gold Basketball – must come to an end. After a rollercoaster week checking in with Quentin, Nat, Kobe, Di and Bret, I thought I would reach out with my dearest of dear friends, Cate Blanchett.

Because why not wrap up this year’s Oscar Gold with the woman that uttered the most famous line on Australian TV, “a packet of Tim Tams that never run out.”


Is that awkwardly shoehorned in? Sure. But isn’t it great to know that Australia’s Meryl Streep start in the best Australian commercial of the ‘90s. That I still quote every time I walk down the biscuit aisle?

Well anyway, fun fact, it isn’t just my favourite commercial. It is also my favourite co-starring moment with the iconic Ms Blanchett. Yes, I am the famed genie. Which is why I also quote the ad every time I am in the biscuit aisle, desperate to get somebody to recognise me.

Anyway, Cate was thrilled to catch-up and to finally make her debut on this patch of cyberspace. I mean, can you believe she described it as more meaningful than her turn in The Present. Aka her Broadway debut? What an angel!

Despite not being able to translate her Globes nod into an Oscar one, Cate was super keen to run the odds with me. She kicked things off by saying she is obviously backing How to Train Your Dragon 3 for Best Animated Feature and honestly, I stared blankly at her for a full ten  minutes before I realised that a) she must be in it and b) there must be two earlier ones in this alleged series.

Thankfully I laughed her off and told her that as the jewel in my crown, she had the top tier awards. And I don’t let people judge themselves. Though that last one was far less confidently, on account of not being sure whether she was actually in the movie or just a Dragon nut.

With the awkwardness out of the way, we agreed that Little Women will take out Best Costume Design, Bombshell will run away with Best Makeup and Hairstyling, 1917 is as good as any other for Best Cinematography and we find it hard to bet against Once Upon a Time in Hollywood for Production Design.

Then things got slightly more combative, as Cate back Laura Dern for Best Supporting Actress while I kept screaming that Margot can and will return the statuette to Australian hands for Bombshell. After she calmed me down, she agreed that our mutual friend Brad will snatch Best Supporting Actor and that Parasite should win Best Picture, but is unlikely to defeat 1917. Which is sad. I mean, Little Women should get it if they don’t give it to Parasite.

With the odds out of the way for another year, we sat back, she made us a couple of cuppas and then, since packets of Tim Tams do always run out, we smashed a Macatedamia Blanc-choc Cookie or two. 

 

 

Almost as quintessentially Australian as a Timmy, a white chocolate and macadamia cookie is arguably better than our chocolate treasure. Big chunks of sweet white chocolate work with the creamy crunch of the macadamia, to form the greatest flavour combination. And perfect afternoon snack.

Enjoy!

 

 

Macatedamia Blanc-choc Cookie
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
125g butter, at room temperature
¾ cup muscovado sugar
1 egg
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 cup plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
200g white chocolate, roughly chopped
250g macadamia nuts, roughly chopped

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Place the butter and sugar in the bowl of a stand mixer and beat until thick and creamy. Not juicy, despite what Roxxxy would have you believe. Add the egg and vanilla and continue to beat for a further minute, or until it just comes together.

Remove from the mixer and fold through the flour and baking powder. Again, when just together, fold through the chocolate and macadamias.

Using an ice cream scoop, dollop a 2 tablespoon blob of batter on a lined baking sheet, leaving an inch perimeter around. Repeat, going onto multiple sheets if needed, until the batter is gone.

Transfer to the oven to bake for 15 minutes, or until set, puffed, golden and crisp. I know it feels like a lot of things to oversee, but you’ll be right, I promise.

Remove from the oven and allow to cool on the tray for five minutes before transferring to a wire rack.

Or devouring immediately while you work up the courage to ask for a plus one to the Oscars, ashamed that you haven’t won yet.

 

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Daisy Porrichardson

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: All Stars, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Breakfast, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor 24 All Stars returned to the game, bringing out the best version of Lydia, which coincidentally is a gloriously petty villain. She landed on a tribe with Shane, quickly cutting her, leaving Shonee to be the one true queen of All Stars. Who was currently planning to partner with Nick and Harry to cause some chaos. Meanwhile the other tribe were less dynamic, though mainly because Locky is a babe and Dave is charming and not much else happened. Though Locky did almost get naked in a challenge again? Despite making fire without a flint, Vakama’s luck quickly ran out and they attended their first tribal council, where they too cut the throat of the only former winner on their tribe, Jericho.


The next day Vakama seemed relatively unfazed to have lost Jericho. Particularly Daisy who was feeling her oats in the mega majority, planning to partner up with Locky and form a power couple. Which you know is going to come back to bite her. Particularly since Phoebe and Brooke are also single and interested, and he only has eyes for Brooke. Mainly because she is not a bogan like Daisy. They then played a jungle version of The Bachelor which ended in Locky picking nobody. BECAUSE HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME.

Probably.

Meanwhile over at Mokuta, the tribe were loving their lives after a night off. They jushed up the camp, Shonee was an icon, Lee couldn’t throw and John was an iconic … before we finally checked in with Sharn, who was trying to play a low key game. That being said, she was growing close to both Lee and John, particularly the former as he is the only other person in the game that knows what it feels like to make it to the end and come up with nothing. The poor thing then started to cry in her confessional talking how hard it is to lose by one vote and hot damn, I hope she doesn’t come up just short again. Unless they give out a second place prize. Hint hint.

Back at Vakama, Jacqui was reminding us that she and the olds plus Moana are well and truly on the outs, however she trusts Mat implicitly and as such, feels like they will be able to work their way out of their shitty position. Particularly since Mat is so fired up to find a way to save them and as such, he planned to approached Henry if they lose the next immunity challenge  and ask him to hand over his expiring idol. Though he may not need said idol, since David is holding a Lydia sized grudge against Daisy and was itching to get his revenge against her, despite being part of a majority alliance. For the first time. With that David approached Mat to float the idea of controlling each side of the tribe and work together to knock out the people that would benefit them the most. Which Mat loved the sound of, since it will save him and also is so unexpected

My love Jonathan arrived for the latest reward challenge where the tribes would complete three mini-challenges from previous seasons, with the first tribe to win two winning coffee. The first challenge required two people to build a puzzle wall and then toss bags to knock them over with Mokuta putting up Henry and Lee – looking for some episode one redemption – against Locky and AK from Vakama. Right out of the gate Henry and Lee powered ahead, tossing bags and knocking down half the puzzle before the others had even finished the puzzle. So yeah, Mokuta 1, Vakama 0.

The second mini-challenge required some to hold up a net while another two toss coconuts in their rivals sack, the last one standing scoring the point. Zach and Locky faced off holding their sacks, while John and Lee tossed their nut at Locky’s sack and David and Mat aimed at Zach’s. Despite a strong strategy from Locky to shake his sack about, the weight quickly piled up – because Locky was taking nut after nut, obvi – and my sexy zaddy dropped his load, handing victory to Mokuta without even needing to play the final stage of the challenge.

Oh and Mat asked Henry to give him the idol should Mokuta win the next challenge. Which Henry loved as he can’t get enough of making a big move.

We followed the victorious Mokuta tribe back to camp where they giddily discovered their coffees, complete with a magazine on the history of Australian Survivor. Lee got to work making the kids a cuppa, while the tribe sat around reading the magazine and learning about everyone’s sneaky past. With Harry and Nick feeling particularly nervous, given it makes them look super sneaky. Thankfully it reminded us of Sharn’s idol shitting moment and hot damn, it hurts to laugh so hard.


Shonee’s story was iconic, classic Shonee. Abbey’s reminded us of her fight with Steven, Lydia’s rubbed salt in the wounds of her blindside, Michelle was reminded of losing the fire making challenge and we finally heard from Zach, who we learnt was trying his hardest not to be a misogynistic pig.

Back at Vakama Mat was still hopeful the Henry would give him the idol, though wasn’t resting on his laurels, pulling David aside under the cover of darkness to see whether David would tell him where the votes are going, so that he can play said idol and vote someone out of his alliance. Which David was all in on IF Mat’s alliance all vote for Daisy.

Sweet, ripped Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes would face off in groups of three to push giant wooden balls around a pen to shoot a goal, with the first one scoring a point for their tribes. First up were Tarzan, Locky and AK vs Henry, Harry and Nick, with Tarzan showering Henry with kisses like an icon, while Locky manhandled Nick and Harry while AK desperately tried to score a goal. Henry pulled himself away from the love fest, leaving Tarzan to make a dash for it until all hell broke loose and everyone was randomly running and tackling each other – sadly keeping their pants – until Vakama snatched a win. Next up Lydia, Michelle and Abbey destroyed Flick, Brooke and Daisy, in large part thanks to a beast performance from Michelle, if you ask me. The last battle featured Dave, Tarzan and Mat facing off against Lee, Henry and Zach, with Zach and Tarzan taking time to have a little meet and greet before they started to grapple. Oh look, John is in speedos on the sidelines – swoon! Eventually Henry and Zach managed to overpower David, allowing the former villain Zach to score the winning point, and immunity, for Mokuta by a matter of seconds.

After the challenge multiple people caught up with their pre-game alliances on the other tribe, allowing the perfect cover for Henry to hand over the idol to Mat without anyone noticing. Wait, no, AK definitely saw him and shit, this plan isn’t going to work, is it?

Vakama returned to camp to commence scrambling, with Mat growing more and more annoyed by the majority’s arrogance around camp. With that, he looped Jacqui and Moana in on the plan to play the idol on whoever they plan to load the votes on, and they just need to get good intel from the majority. On the flipside, AK shared what he saw at the challenge with them all agreeing to load the votes on Jacqui, put a couple of Moana and tell Mat that the latter was the target to blow his idol. One by one they diligently informed Mat that they were targeting his closest ally. Well except for David, who let him know that Jacqui is the real target and as such, Mat locked in his plan to play his idol on her. Mat looped in all his allies and told them that they must vote for Daisy and honestly, the plan can’t actually come to fruition, can it?

Meanwhile David was feeling nervous about his plan falling through and as such, pulled Daisy aside to share how nervous he is about the upcoming tribal council to make her feel like he is the target. As they were catching up, however, Tarzan started openly searching for an idol and as such, the majority decided that they needed to hunt for it first. Everyone was openly looking around camp before Locky and Brooke spotted a tree stump with a hole in it, with Brooke running up to it and snatching the hidden immunity idol, making tribal council super interesting. Particularly since David planned to make them so nervous about him going home so that when Mat plays his idol, Brooke wastes her idol to protect him. Which led to Mat running around to the majority to give a last minute plea to them to target David.

At tribal council David acknowledged the very large and very clear division in the tribe, though admitted that as the majority, he is thrilled about everything. Moana got to work painting a target on Dave’s back, calling him the leader of the alliance, though admitted she is still happy with her little four. Mat piled on the David-is-our-target plan – making Locky sad that he isn’t viewed as the leader – while David masterfully played up his fau-paranoia into the mix, whispering to his allies to confirm their plans and make them nervous. Jacqui joined the fray talking about the futility of searching for cracks when their minds are made up, leading to some sass looks from Daisy. Talk soon turned to idols, leading to Mat commences whispering to Locky and Phoebe that now would be a good time for them to flip to his side.

After Jonathan called him out for whispering, Mat decided to play defeated leading to some amazing faux-sass at David. This then angered Daisy who called him out for not fighting and told him that things change and he needs to start trying hard. With that the tribe voted before all hell truly broke loose – Sue’s Big Move, this was not – as Mat pulled out his idol before Jonathan even grabbed the urn. He then played it for Jacqui – after a brief psych out – leading to Flick placing her head in her hands, showing him that he made the right decision. David then started whispering to Mat asking if the votes were piled on him, leading to a nervous Brooke reaching into her bag to grab her idol and play it on Dave. As such, Jonathan read the votes, with five votes for Jacqui negated, two votes counting for Moana and the other four piling on Daisy and sending her from the game.

Poor Daisy really had the worst luck of anyone this season. I mean, I was watching her get sent to Exile on her last season in Loser Lodge when I was interrupted by her getting booted for the second time. I pulled her in tight and assured her that she was always going to have a target on her back coming from the most recent season, and that she is and always will be, an All Star. After realising I clearly was channelling RuPaul, I pulled myself together and whipped her up a big bowl of Daisy Porrichardson as she headed out to the airport to do post-game press for her OG season. Which just felt so savage.

 

 

But what is the cure for a cruel blow? A warm, comforting bowl of freshly made porridge. It may not be the most complex dish to make, but with a sprinkling of sugar and the potential addition of some sultanas, there is nothing better.

Enjoy!

 

 

Daisy Porrichardson
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
1 cup steel cut oats
1 ½ – 2 cups milk, eater’s choice
muscovado sugar, to taste

Method
Combine the oats and 1 ½ cups of milk in a saucepan over medium heat and cook, stirring, for five to ten minutes.

Adjust the milk depending on whether you like your porridge runnier or thicker, and stir to heat through.

Serve in a heaping pile in a bowl, covered in a heavy sprinkling of muscovado sugar. Or whatever topping you prefer.

Enjoy!

 

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Quentin Maraschino Cherries

Dessert, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold XCII: Gold Basketball, Sweets

I don’t want to bore you with the details of my time in exile, but I can confirm that there was one big name star that was reaching out to me each week in concern. And that was Academy Award winning multi-hyphenate Quentin Tarantino. As such, I knew he would be the perfect person to kick off this year’s Oscar Gold celebration. Particularly since he directed three of my friends – Margot, Brad and Leo – to nominations this year.

Quents and I have known each other since the ‘80s when we both guested in the same episode of The Golden Girls. Sensing each other’s talents, we were drawn to each other through the sea of Elvis-impersonating extras and became the fastest of friends.

The question has probably struck you – how have two talented writers, such as ourselves, never worked together? It is a combination of unbridled sexual tension – dat chin, yo – and the fact I prefer to act as his muse, rather than tip the balance of our current relationship.

Fun fact: I inspired the characters of Mia Wallace, The Bride, Elle Driver and Daisy Domergue. What can I say? I am a strong, independent woman.

As soon as I say Quentin, I collapsed in a heap, the emotion of seeing him, the director of my beloved Luke Perry’s final film, hitting me like a wave. He ran and scooped me up in his arms, carried me into his home and lay me next to him on the couch to discuss this year’s Oscar odds.

I may have been high on the smelling salts, but we kicked off talking about Best Director and without even thinking about the fact he was nominated, said that Bong Joon-ho would be robbed if he lost for Parasite. And Mendes likely beating him with 1917 may be deserving, but I’d still be heartbroken.

“I assume you’re fucking tipping me for Best Original Screenplay then,” he joked, bringing me back to earth.

“Yes, obvi. But that is a conversation for later in the week. You’ve got some other categories I’d like you to run with me!”

He agreed that Bong has International Film in the bag, despite Pedro being equally deserving for  Pain and Glory. He thinks Documentary Feature will go to American Factory, while I am all in for The Cave. We agreed that Learning to Skateboard in a Warzone (If You’re a Girl) should and will win Documentary Short, Film Editing will go to Ford v Ferrari as it is the most technical and Visual Effects should go to Avengers: Endgame but will likely get swept up in a 1917 sweep.

With the formalities out of the way, I acted weak again to distract from my earlier faux pas. And so that I could enjoy being hand fed Quentin Maraschino Cherries by their namesake.

 

 

Some people say that maraschinos are a garnish. A sticky sweet morsel of magic to heighten a cocktail or dessert. But to Quents and I, they’re not a snack. They’re the whole damn meal in and of themselves. And once you make your own, you’ll never go back.

Enjoy!

 

 

Quentin Maraschino Cherries
Serves: 2 talented friends with palpable sexual chemistry.

Ingredients
1kg sweet cherries, pitted
11 cups water
1 tbsp pickling salt
4 1/2  cups raw caster sugar
1 lemon, zested and juiced
1/4 tsp red food colouring
30ml almond extract

Method
Bring 8 cups of water and pickling salt to a boil in a large pot, and cook until the salt is dissolved. Remove from heat to cool for about fifteen minutes. Stir in the sweet cherries, cover and leave to brine overnight.

The next morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, drain the cherries and rinse under cold water for a couple of minutes. Set aside.

Meanwhile combine the remaining water, with the sugar, juice and zest of the lemon and food colouring in a large pot and cook, stirring, for five minutes. Remove from the heat, stir in cherries and almond extract, cover and leave another 24 hours.

The next day when Quentin questions whether the recipe really takes this long or whether you’re just using it as a ploy for sleepovers, pour cherries and juice into hot, sterilized jars and leave in a cool, dark place.

Or devour, instantly. You know the drill.

 

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The Viviännchen

Baking, Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul's Drag Race UK 1, Snack, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK ten queens walked into the Werk Room in sunny old England, thrilled to be part of the very first season of the icon show. And boy was this season iconic. From Gothy’s meow on the runway, followed by Scaredy Kat birthing herself before exiting the competition, Vinegar Strokes hodge podging out the door third and Sum Ting doing wrong on Snatch Game after a stellar series of runways.

Then, you know, Frock Destroyers happened owning literally all of the girl groups challenges that have come before them, sending poor Crystal home followed by the iconically shady Blu before Cheryl bottomed out in fourth place, leaving Baga, Divina and The Vivienne to fight for the crown.

And fight they did.

With three wins a piece, it all came down to the final challenge before Baga was eliminated leaving Divina and The Vivienne to lip sync their way to the top, with the latter ultimately taking out victory.

From the very first challenge, The Vivienne came in with the focused fire usually reserved for an All Stars winner. She was polished, she was determined and most importantly, she was fierce. And the one time she was down, she turned out one hell of a lip sync which is the skill that ultimately secured her victory.

She was obviously over the bloody mood to be crowned the first winner, particularly given the competition was so tight.

I’ve known The Viv for years. We ran in the same circles on the club scene, quickly becoming firm friends thanks to our similar sense of humour. Once we both got sober, we leant on each other for support and used to catch up for cups of tea and some freshly baked The Viviännchen. So I knew it was the only way to mark the occasion of her victory!

PHOTO 1

Sweet, crumbly, delicate and light, these biscuits fill you with a life affirming warmth. More importantly, they are delightfully easy to make and as such, are the perfect treat to quickly whip up for your friends.

Enjoy!

PHOTO 2

The Viviännchen
Serves: 1 current reigning queen and her wannabe scouser friend.

Ingredients
225g marzipan
80g icing sugar
100g almond meal
30g flour
1 egg, separated
1 tbsp rosewater
blanched almonds, to top

Method
1 medium egg yolk , mixed with 1 teaspoon water

Preheat the oven to 150C.

Break marzipan into 1cm cubes and place in the bowl of a stand mixer with the icing sugar, almond meal, flour, rosewater and egg white. Knead with your hands until the dough comes together before transferring to the stand mixer to combine on low for a minute or two. Wrap and transfer to the fridge to chill for an hour or so.

Once chill, break off small balls of dough about the size of golf balls and place on a lined baking sheet. Repeat the process, leaving a gap for expansion, until the dough is done. Next step, press three almonds into the top of each cookie, pointed end towards the top. Whisk the egg yolk with a little bit of water and brush to glaze. Transfer to the oven to bake for fifteen minutes, or until golden.

Transfer to a wire rack to cool for fifteen minutes before devouring, victoriously. Knowing you’re the UK BeBe.


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Summer Pudting Wong

Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul's Drag Race UK 1, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK the queens were tasked with turning trash into treasure from a car boot. But not just any car boot, the boot of the iconic two-time runner-up Raven. Despite such an inspiring owner, Vinegar optes to be inspired by a toothbrush and then when that failed, a book, while Sum Ting was sadly just a little bit beige. On the other end of the spectrum was Divina who absolutely slayed in a Vivienne Westwood inspired laundry bag, taking out victory while the other duo were forced to lip sync with Sum Ting sending the West End performer home.

Back in the Werk Room Divina was feeling her oats, though tried to hide it as they all paused to pay their respects for Vinegar and her hodge podge ways. The Vivienne changed the mood, congratulating Divina and thanking her for helping everyone out with the challenge. Talk turned to listening to advice, with The Vivienne asking if Sum Ting would consider listening to her from now on. Given she tried to tell her that her outfit was shite. Cheryl asked if they will all continue to be friendly and helpful as the game goes on, with The Vivienne the only one admitting that she will likely turn into a monster. While Divina shared that she will likely stay friendly … to people’s face, knowing it’s the best way to play the game.

The next day Divina joined the badge club, with Blu confident that she is going to win this week. Confident bordering on cocky, Baga asked Cheryl how it felt to ride the bottom again with Cheryl – again – assuring them that this week is where she will show them. Divina pointed out that Blu and Baga were called out on the runway last week and told to step their bussies up. Blu countered that she did and plans to make an incremental improvement this week too, while Baga warned everyone that that was the challenge she was dreading and now there is nothing that will hold her back.

RuPaul interrupted the discussions to announce that this week’s challenge is the one they’ve all been waiting for – SNATCH GAME. Which honestly should have been called Skankety Skanks like the British/Australian version of the OG, but I digress. Crystal was thrilled to have made it far enough in the competition to compete in Snatch Game, before joining Baga and The Vivienne to discuss their characters. Baga locked in Margaret Thatcher … before we cut across the room where Divina de Campo was telling Blu, Cheryl and Sum Ting that she would be playing Margaret Thatcher. Terrified about a face off and knowing that Baga has more impersonations in her arsenal, Divina confronted Baga who had zero qualms about the idea of duelling Thatchers.

They then had a more genuine conversation, with Baga explaining that she has no decent outfits for any other person. And while Divina would argue Baga’s Maggie outfit was also terrible, she graciously stepped aside and decided to do Julia Child. AND THEN GAVE BAGA HER MARGARET THATCHER OUTFIT TO WEAR. I mean, this is some next level kindness right there and I fear it will come back to bite her.

Ru returned for a walk through with Alan Carr where we learnt that Blu would be playing the delightful Mary Berry from Bake Off. Ru was concerned that Blu may not have strengths in comedy, though reminded her that now is the time to start standing out. Divina shared that she was debating between Julia and Posh Spice, though neither seemed to wow the judges. Crystal settled on playing my love Rue McLanahan as Blanche, while The Vivienne wowed the boys with all three of her characters – Donald Trump, Kim Woodburn and Slilla Black. Meanwhile Sum Ting was tossing up between David Attenborough and Nigella Lawson and while Ru appeared to like the latter, sweet, crafty little Blu tried to guide her towards David so that she would be the only baker on the panel. Cheryl too guided her towards David, though that had more to do with the fact she was unprepared for Nigella.

The girls were joined by Stacey Dooley and Lorraine Kelly, with Divina going with Julia, Cheryl playing Gemma Collins and The Vivienne settling on Donald Trump. From her very first moment, The Vivienne took control of the stage and was the one to beat. Though Baga was nipping at her heels and keeping Ru laughing. Blu took Mary Berry down a very filthy path and was surprisingly strong, Sum Ting had the accent down but didn’t bring the jokes. And Crystal was Crystal, dressed kinda like Blanche. The Vivienne and Baga had the panel and Ru in absolute hysterics, bouncing off each other well. With Blu the only one that actually managed to stay up with them. Oh and before you think that I forgot about sweet Divina, she was there but never really stood out.

Elimination Day rolled around and The Vivienne and Baga were feeling super confident, while Sum Ting and Divina were terrified. And Blu was terrified about how poor Mary Berry will react to her performance and floated a televised apology. Divina was feeling nervous about the runway, knowing she kinda sorted bombed Snatch Game. While painting her face, she, Cheryl, Crystal and Blu spoke about their husbands and fiances, with Blu sharing that she is upset that Northern Island doesn’t have gay mariage (though it did just finally pass). He was sad that he and his partner couldn’t marry and how hard it must be for young kids to grow up without seeing it as a possibility.

On the runway Blu served one ball realness, eyeball that is – slaying with a bloodshot gown and a whole head eye. Baga was a letdown as a futuristic bond girl, Cheryl was a technicolour delight with breathing tubes out of her belly button, Sum Ting Wong was Oops I did it Again-era Britney Spears with a robot face and Divina well and truly made up for Snatch Game with an ethereal blue bottle garden nymph. Crystal brought that spark she was missing as Rue, sawing her metal garments with full Shape of Water prosthetics. Much to the terror of Geri Halliwell. And The Vivienne looked like a brown Who dressed as Beyonce’s pregnancy announcement.

Ru confronted Blu about lying about not being funny before sending her and Cheryl to safety … for the first time for poor Chez. The judges loved everything about Baga’s Snatch Game performance but agreed that her runway was pretty bland. Sum Ting’s performance was read for filth, except from Geri who is literally the sweetest thing and just loved that Sum Ting is the reason Sir David will tune in to Drag Race. And everything Sum Ting did. Divina admitted to sucking at Snatch Game as the judges labelled her as the supporting cast. She did receive universal praise for her runway look before making the judges laugh at her Posh Spice. And filling her with regret for not going that route. Crystal’s spooky look was praised, though her Blanche was read for filth. The Vivienne rightly was praised for her Donald Trump – one of the best Snatch Game performances ever – though her ill fitting leotard brought down an otherwise killer look.

Backstage the girls congratulated Cheryl for being safe, before Divina kinda lost control regretting her choice to hand over Margaret Thatcher to Baga. Baga then started to talk over her, leading to Divina calling her out for talking over her and then pointed out that that will stop and she will now treat the competition as such from now on, rather than helping everyone out and being a doormat. Crystal was disappointed in her Snatch Game, though hoped the runway will keep her safe. Sum Ting was nervous about being in the bottom for her boring runway, before Baga and The Vivienne gave her a pep talk and told her to bring it and not be afraid to ask for help if she needs it.

Ultimately Baga and The Vivienne were crowned joint winners, while Divina’s runway saved her from the bottom. Leaving Crystal and Sum Ting to battle it out to Spice Up Your Life to see another day. While Sum Ting stuck close to all the Spice Girl moves, Crystal leaned into her Weird Science runway look and injected some wacky, creepiness in her performance. And totally slayed, keeping sweet Geri in hysterics. As such, Crystal saved herself while poor Sum Ting Wong was eliminated from the competition.

Though before I got to cooking for her in the Werk Room, we were interrupted by Geri who couldn’t let her go without letting her know how much she connected with her on the stage. With her kind, clean, joyous fun.

I let them have their moment and reminded Geri that I will boot her from the Spicys again if she doesn’t leave the damn Werk Room and let me have my damn moment. Which she graciously did, apologising as I got to catching up with my friend Sum Ting.

We first met at our office day jobs, but I could see Sum had Sum Ting More to offer the world and just like that, her character was born. So I think that makes me her drag mother? I don’t know. What I do know is that only a mother would know the exact thing to cheer her up after her boot, which is my Summer Pudting Wong.

Now, I have a checkered past with puddings both fruit and pulled, but I can assure you that this one is delicious, despite the conceit being a bit weird for non-Brits. But let me tell you, bread dipped in sweet, sweet juice is delicious. Add to that, a muddle of bright berries and you’re well and truly happy.

Enjoy!

Summer Pudting Wong
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
175g raw caster sugar
150g blackberries, washed and dried
150g blueberries, washed and dried
600g raspberries, washed and dried
300g strawberries, washed, dried and tops removed
8 slices white bread, a little older if possible with the crusts removed
½ cup cream, whipped, to serve

Method
Combine the sugar in a large saucepan with ¼ cup sugar and place over a medium heat until dissolved. Bring to the boil before adding all berries, minus the strawbs, reducing the heat to low and cooking for five minutes, stirring infrequently, or until softened.

Remove the berries from the heat and strain them over a bowl to release the gloriously deep red juice.

Meanwhile cut 5 slices of bread in half on a slight angle and two into 4 triangles. Line a pudding basin with clingwrap and moving quickly, dip each slice of bread in the juice and line the bowl with the whole slice at the base and the halves forming the sides, pushing together at the joins to form the skin.

Mix the strawberries through the cooked berries and transfer the mix into the lined basin. Dip the small triangles into the juice and cover the top of the pudding. Wrap with cling to seal and transfer to the fridge to chill overnight. Reserve any juice for later.

When you’re ready to eat, transfer to a plate, carve and serve with excess juice and freshly whipped cream. Then, obviously, devour.


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Scaredy Kit Kat

Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul's Drag Race UK 1, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK Ru and Michelle took a trip across the pond to meet 10 charming British queens and oh girl, this is going to be a fun season. The first mini-challenge tasked the queens with posing with their own severed heads, leading to some football and birthing before baby queen Scaredy Kat shat herself to victory. Meanwhile on the mainstage Gothy struggled through her nerves, Vinegar didn’t connect with anyone and Michelle was so shocked by The Vivienne’s nose that she convinced Ru to bequeath her the first win of the season, while poor Gothy backed her way out of the competition. Literally.

We followed the queens back to the Werk Room where the reality that all but one will be eliminated has sunk in. They gathered around to praise Gothy as the icon that she is – I mean, she said it best, she is the UK Porkchop – and discuss how they all just felt the urge to mother her. Baga in particular, as she offered up her royal tit to keep the young one going. Vinegar meanwhile was less loving, just thrilled that she managed to survive the lip sync and still be in the competition. As Vinegar shared her pride at being the first to win a lip sync, Cheryl spoke about feeling part of it, given she was cheering from the back. Which  immediately annoyed The Vivienne and ooohhhh girl, I think we might finally have some drama as the game. Is. On.

The next day the queens returned to the Werk Room where The Vivienne was proudly wearing her literal victory badge – no prizes on the beeb, ok? – as a show of power before they were interrupted by the arrival of Ru. Before outlining this week’s challenge Ru wheeled out the very fine Brit Crew for this week’s mini-challenge, where the queens would have to line up their fellow competitors based on whether they were tops or bottoms, unaware that they’re all bottoms. Wait, no, it is based on who they view as competition.

The Vivienne went first and ranked Vinegar as the biggest competition, followed by Baga, Crystal, Divina, Sum Ting – much to her disgust at being so low – Blu, Cheryl and dead last she popped Scaredy Kat. But gasp, Ru is fucking with them and this is not a mini-challenge and instead, The Vivienne and her least threatening competition Scaredy Kat would instead act as team captains in a regal production of famed drag period piece – don’t tell Manila – Downton Draggy. Scaredy Kat was first to select someone, opting for Divina – much to her chagrin – Cheryl and Blu while The Vivienne went with Vinegar, Baga and Sum Ting Wong, leaving a gutted Crystal as the virgin that can’t drive, forcing her to Scaredy Kat’s team.

Sum Ting on the flipside was thrilled to be on her team, last choice be damned! They have last week’s top three and a bonafide West End star. The Vivienne knew that in order to do well in a team challenge, she needed everyone to do well so got to work assigning roles based on what the girls felt most comfortable with. Sum Ting got a Mariah Carey-esque role, before talk turned to Scaredy Kat and the girls agreed that she is not to be underestimated and they know that she is destined for greatness. Speaking of Scaredy, her team was less structured and instead all grabbed for their roles before gossiping about the other team automatically assuming that they have the challenge in the bag, and as such, need to prove themselves. Not that Cheryl is worried though, as she has been doing shows since she was knee high to a pig’s eye.

Ru made her triumphant ruturn for a quick walk through with the queens where she learnt that The Vivienne’s team were choosing to go with the name Team Slag. They then shared that Baga would be stretching herself to play the help while Sum Ting showed off her so-terrible-it-is-actually-terrible American accent. Speaking of accent work, Ru checked in with the other team where Crystal spoke about her so bad it’s good British accent. In other events, Divina was shocked to be cast as the old slag, before Blu shared that she was going to knock it out of the park. Despite being stuck in her head.

Team Slag arrived to film their scene with Michelle, with The Vivienne kicking things off by forgetting her first line. The Vinegar struggled to read, Sum Ting got to start mounting a member of the Brit Crew – relatable, no? – before Baga arrived and chewed up the bloody scenery, channelling Dick Van Dyk on crack, dressed as Mrs White. While she was missing her lines and confusing Michelle’s direction, she was so damn hilarious I don’t see how she loses. Particularly next to Sum Ting who was bombing. Badly.

Scaredy Kat’s team didn’t fare much better, with Cheryl forgetting her lines and Crystal’s accent work read for filth by Michelle. In the second scene Divina arrived and valiantly tried to save things, completely slaying, though next to Scaredy Kat anyone would look good. Even Blu, who couldn’t remember her lines in their final scene. Frustrating the hell out of Divina, knowing that she has been brought down by everyone else’s shitty performance.

Elimination Day rolled around with Scaredy mistakenly thinking the team did well before Blu and Sum Ting Wong got together to talk about how badly they did in the challenge. Like Scaredy, Cheryl was feeling good about her performance though told Blu that it was obvious that she was nervous in the challenge. This angered The Vivienne, as she was sick of hearing her run her mouth and act over the top for the cameras. At the other mirror Vinegar was talking to Scaredy and Sum Ting about whether they had come out. Scaredy spoke about not having come out nor identifying as anything, before Sum Ting admitted that her parents not only don’t acknowledge her being gay but have no idea that she is a drag queen. Nor know his partner of five years.

On the mainstage the queens served Bond Girl Glamarama, with The Vivienne channeling Grace Jones by way of IBS, Sum Ting looked good, albeit a little confusing and Vinegar Strokes went with HR realness. Baga was inspired by my girl Liza, Cheryl started off in a boring old gown but went with a reveal of a shimmering leotard, with one nip out. Which is always a win for me. Crystal slayed in a bondage inspired look, Scaredy went with a WWII inspired fighter pilot which made up for her lacklustre performance in the acting challenge, while Divina slayed serving soviet assassin realness while Blu rocked an ill fitting outfit, though had three tits, so I live.

The Vivienne’s team’s episode of Downton Draggy slayed from their opening line … until Sum Ting arrived on scene, and despite being better than expected, was completely dominated by a killer Baga. Who again, needs to win this competition. Scaredy Kat’s episode was far better than the filming would have you believe, though Scaredy and Blu were obviously the weaker performers of the team. While Divina dominated. From start to finish. Ultimately The Vivienne’s team took out the challenge, with Baga handed a very well deserved victory and Sum Ting saved by the skin of her teeth.

Of the losing team, the judges loved Cheryl’s runway and thought that she was solid in the challenge, though could have done more. Crystal’s performance warmed up throughout the episode and she received universal praise for her runway. Everyone loved Scaredy Kat’s runway, though were disappointed by her performance and the fact she painted her character as a cat. Divina received universal praise for both her performance and the runway, though she still felt she should have pushed herself further. Blu’s runway was praised, though her performance was deemed forgettable. Which is never a good thing.

Back stage the safe girls decided that Cheryl should be in the bottom, if for no other reason than the fact she is playing the role of Alyssa Edwards and not being herself. The bottom queens joined them and Cheryl immediately chimed in to admit that she said Sum Ting should have been in the bottom, which led to Sum Ting sharing that they all think that Cheryl is being fake. And Vinegar, who has worked with her, admitted that she doesn’t know who this person is. This led to her breaking down, as she admitted that she has been too scared to let her guard down and end up in the shadows. Crystal shut everyone up and pointed out that there will be some girls that are upset and they should stop talking about them and let them feel their feels rather than fighting. Meanwhile Divina was shocked how emotional she was, Blu felt alone and Scaredy just wanted to learn the bloody lip sync.

The queens returned to the mainstage where Divina and Crystal were deemed safe, while Cheryl narrowly avoided the bottom two, leaving Scaredy Kat and Blu to battle it out to survive. Blu came out firing as soon as the first bars of Bananarama’s Venus started playing, and while Scaredy killed it with her own aesthetic and style, Blu’s experience on stage won out and she was deemed safe, leaving poor Scaredy to sashay away from the competition.

While she was disappointed not to make it all the way, Scaredy was gagged that she made it on the show and past the first episode despite not having performed any gigs before. As such, it was less a comisatory tone and more one of celebrating my sister. What didn’t you know I’m part of the Kat Club? I’m her great great great great drag-grandmother, Kitty Litta so it was wonderful to toast her success with the crisp snap of a Scaredy Kit Kat.

You know I have a passion for not leaving the house and instead making my own version of readily available foods. But when they taste this good, who can blame me? Crisp wafer slathered in dripping chocolate? There is nothing better.

Enjoy!

Scaredy Kit Kat
Serves: 1-6.

Ingredients
500g milk chocolate
200g dark chocolate
10-20 chocolate wafers, cut in half lengthways

Method
Combine the chocolate in a bowl and melt together in a double boiler until smooth and glossy.

Pour the chocolate half-way up a rectangular mould before adding in the strips of wafer. Top with chocolate and give the mould a good tap to remove air bubbles. Repeat the process until done.

Transfer the moulds to the fridge to set for ten minutes before removing and storing in a cool, airtight container. Or you know, devouring like a sane person.


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Coffee Cakendoll

Baking, Cake, Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul's Drag Race UK 1, TV, TV Recap

I could go about doing my usual ‘previously on’ joke for the premiere of the newest season of Drag Race, but to be honest, I am just too damn excited to see these Brits slay. Pomp, circumstance and smutty banter has finally made its way across the pond and I have assumed the position. Because I. Am. READY.

The lucky first queen to take advantage of that sashay into the UK Werk Room is Baga Chipz who mentioned a passion for getting coated in cum and therefore, you know I already love her. She was joined by Ireland’s Blu Hydrangea who is an adorable little twink that I want to adopt and make sure is making wise choices. Divina De Campo was next and looks like Robbie Turner if Robbie had a talent for anything other than lying. Plus she mentioned the OG season 1 filter which is enough to win me over. In addition to the fact she is a legit celebrity. Crystal arrived with one of the best entry lines of all time and honestly, is very attractive and I love her.

Sum Ting Wong is my new favourite as she couldn’t get through her entry line without laughing at herself and kinda sounds like Ringo Starr. Cheryl Hole seems like the UK equivalent of Alyssa Edwards and I already love her. Particularly since they look alike out of drag. Maybe it’s the teeth? Gothy Kendoll arrived, filling Baga Chipz and Divina with an overwhelming feeling of senility given everyone is so young. Vinegar Strokes arrived quoting Eastenders, so she too, I already love her. Scaredy Kat was up next and I am a little bit terrified, though given she is bi and has only been doing drag for 11 months, I love that she is bringing something fresh. Rounding out the cast is The Vivienne, who won a pageant to be the UK’s Drag Race ambassador making her an early favourite.

Before they could celebrate their luck at being the cast of season one, Ru arrived doing some majestic accent work to welcome them to the competition. Mama Ru then explained that they would be competing for the chance to be whisked over to Hollywood to star in their very own digital series. Because BBC is a publicly funded network, FYI. She then wheeled out the Brit Crew – and honestly, I am wetter than a London’s day, the Thames and the newspaper wrapping fish and chips all rolled into one – before tasking the queens with the first mini challenge of the season to pose with the aforementioned Brit Crew and their own severed heads.

Baga Chips was up first and flashed her kooch so that her head could be inserted like she is birthing herself. Icon. Blu Hydrangea was adorable and quoted Cher by way of Chad Michaels. Divina was adorbs, Crystal gave herself head, Cheryl was cute, Gothy kicked herself in the head and made Ru lose his mind with the lack of energy. Vinegar Strokes had to explain what her name means to Ru, Scaredy Kat shat herself out and won my heart, Sum Ting Wong tried to prove that breast is best while The Vivienne gave a masterclass in accent work for Ru. Ultimately Scaredy Kat took out the first win, much to her delight and the chagrin of Divina who is shocked that a baby could do that.

The queens were then tasked with the first maxi challenge of the series, to serve their best Queen Lizzie realness on the runway in addition to a look that represents why they’re the queen of their hometowns. When Ru left the queens got out of drag with Baga wandering around to scope out the trade – Crystal’s little tuft of chest hair, swoon – and the group started talking about getting their teeth done. Since the stereotype is that British people have terrible teeth. This made Gothy Kendoll feel super insecure as she doesn’t like her teeth and didn’t want anyone to notice them, and instead focus on her killer looks.

Elimination Day rolled around as the queens panicked to get their looks together. Vinegar Strokes pulled Scaredy Kat under her wing, making the latter feel safe about her first time performing on stage. Baga Chipz, The Vivienne and Crystal got together to talk royalty and Trump while Blu, Divina and Gothy spoke about their small town upbringing and speculated just how harsh Michelle will be with everyone.

Ru and Michelle were joined by Alan Carr and Andrew Garfield on the judges panel for the girls first time which immediately made me jealous, since I’m still yet to have my first time with Andrew.

Crystal’s hometown look served my version of the Zombie film clip realness – you all did it with Christmas beads while decorating the tree, be honest – with chest hair and pits on display, instantly flooding my basement. Cheryl served Essex excellence channelling Paris Hilton. Sum Ting Wong was all bull and full of horn, Blu Hydrangea was beautiful with an homage to the company that built Titanic, neglecting the fact that building a sinking ship ain’t something to be proud of. Baga Chipz was hilarious in Amy Winehouse cosplay, The Vivienne was fierce as Pete Burns, Vinegar Strokes was belted by the Thames, Gothy Kendoll went for cheesy tiger – no joke – while Scaredy Kat was hippy chic, fresh from the marshlands and Divina was a trippy, cartoonish delight.

For their Lizzie realness Crystal served sexy military trooping of the colour, Cheryl served afternoon tea in the gardens, Sum Ting Wong went with snail mail realness, Blu was all about the coin, Baga went Lizzie with a Dolores Umbridge edge, The Vivienne went with hunting in Balmoral, Vinegar Strokes went with a sunny ‘70s look, Gothy went back to the queen’s early years while Scaredy one upped it and went for the Queen when she was just a baby princess. And Divina brought more sex to the palace than Prince Phillip.

Ultimately Crystal, Blu, Scaredy Kat and Divina were classed as safe and sent back to the Werk Room, leaving the tops and bottoms – I know, I know, we’re all bottoms – to stand around and be read for filth by Michelle. Cheryl’s first look received universal praise, while the second one was read for being bland and without Lizzie’s signature bag. Sum Ting Wong received universal praise for both looks, Baga’s Amy Winehouse performance was praised and while everyone liked her second look, any flaws were quickly charmed away by Baga’s wit. The Vivienne confused Michelle into thinking she came out in prosthetics and let’s be honest, is the clear frontrunner already. Vinegar’s Thames belt was read for filth and Michelle was disappointed in her lack of ironing. The judges could tell that Gothy’s nerves got the best of her, with Andrew trying to encourage her to use the nerves to drive her performance.

Backstage Divina was disappointed to find herself amongst the safe queens, before the tops and bottoms joined them to gasbag about the critiques. Cheryl was sure that she was in the bottom, Gothy was nervous and Vinegar was sad that the judges didn’t connect with her looks, breaking down and getting a pep talk from The Vivienne and Baga.

Back on the runway Baga and Sum Ting Wong were deemed safe before The Vivienne took out this week’s challenge. Cheryl narrowly avoided the bottom two, leaving Vinegar Strokes and Gothy Kendoll to battle it out lip syncing – I thought all the girls sang in the UK, Charlie? – to Dua Lipa’s New Rules. And honestly there wasn’t much competition as Vinegar’s West End background helped her slay, while Gothy’s nerves continued to keep her subdued. Vinegar pulled a Roxxxy and was flipping hats and wigs, and while Gothy grew into her performance, it wasn’t enough as she tragically found herself becoming the first queen to sashay away from Drag Race UK.

But not before pulling a Vanjie, backing off the stage chanting Miss Kendoll. Like a damn icon.

After literally backing into me backstage, I pulled Gothy into a massive hug and reminded her that being the first person ever booted from the series is the most iconic place to land. And that her look was definitely worth 60P.

I’ve known Gothy for years, meeting while I was working at a Leicester Cheese factory next to her daycare. I was trying to woo one of the father’s that dropped off there, so I took to stealing cheese to provide toasties for the tots and prove how great a step-father I can be.

While the plan quickly turned to shit when I was eventually arrested for grand theft fromage, I was able to impress young Gothy with a delightful Coffee Cakendoll. Who said giving kids coffee is a bad idea?

Packing a massive punch of coffee, there is something so delightfully nostalgic about this cake. A light fluffy crumb and a thick layer of rich frosting, this is the perfect way to block out the pain of being the first boot.

Enjoy!

Coffee Cakendoll
Serves: 8-12, or you know one sad first boot.

Ingredients
500g butter, softened
1 cup raw caster sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
4 eggs
2 cups flour
4 tsp baking powder
⅔ cup milk, at room temperature
⅓ cup espresso, plus 2 tbsp for the frosting
2 cups icing sugar, sifted
2 tbsp kahlua

Method
Preheat the oven to 180⁰C and grease and line the base of two 20cm cake tins.

To make the cake, combine half the butter, the raw caster sugar and the vanilla in a bowl and using a stand mixer, cream on medium speed until light and fluffy. And to clarify, the stand mixer is solely because when it comes to hand mixing, I’m unenthused.

Add the eggs one at a time, allowing the batter to become fully homogeneous before adding another. Did this queen just get a thesaurus or did I opt for using the Queen’s English? You’ll never know.

Remove the bowl from the mixer and fold through the flour and baking powder, followed by the milk and the espresso until it is gloriously tanned. Not Katya in tan with you tanned. Split the batter between the two cake tins and bake for 30 minutes, until an inserted skewer comes out clean. Remove from the oven and allow to cool for a couple of minutes before flipping out on a cooling rack to get as cool as an English evening.

While it is getting chill, get to work on the frosting by creaming the remaining butter with the icing sugar, remaining espresso and the kahlua. You know, to get tipsy. Beat together until light and fluffy before stepping back and taking in the moment. You’re doing amazing sweetie.

Once you’ve Kris Jenner’ed yourself, get to work assembling the cake by placing one on a serving dish. Generously dollop on some frosting and spread over the top so you have a thick filling. Top with the other cake and dollop on the rest of the frosting, smoothing the top and covering the sides as you go.

Allow to sit for fifteen minutes, if you can wait, before carving and devouring. The latter is really the only necessary part of that equation though.


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